From Our Dimension
by Bedrock Armor
Summary: One day, I found a strange device that allowed me to go to the Gravity Falls universe. It also allows me to experience firsthand each and every episode of the entire series. These are my recordings of those adventures. Ohw wkh jdphv ehjlq.
1. Tourist Trapped

**This story has spoilers for Journal 3, and might have some minor spoilers for "Dipper's & Mabel's Guide to Mystery and Nonstop Fun!".**

* * *

 **Chapter 1: Tourist Trapped**

Ah, summer break. A time for leisure, recreation, and taking it easy.

…Unless you're me.

My name is Nathan. The two twins in the front are Dipper and Mabel. Now, you may be wondering why I'm on the back of a golf cart, with the Mystery Twins, fleeing from a creature of unimaginable horror.

Rest assured, there is a perfectly logical explanation.

Let's rewind. It all started earlier today. I was just going along through the day; just like any other. I had decided to ride my bike around the block; something rather unusual for me. I was starting to feel exhausted. And then, I found _it_. A strange, unusual looking object lying in the quarter-acre area of overgrown grass and trees. I got off my bike and went to take a look.

I picked it up and went back to my house, examining it. It appeared to be a strange device that looked like a miniature TV remote with only one button and a short antenna on the end. It was shaped so that when you hold it, it would fit nicely into your hand, like grabbing a door handle.

Curious, I pressed the button. I watched in complete shock as a strange energy shot from the antenna, stopping a few feet away, creating a round vertical disk that was swirling, and had a faint blue glow to it. Tentative, I reached out to touch it, only for my hand to go through. I pulled my hand out, and stuck my head in. What greeted me was something I never expected to see. I saw the Mystery Shack. I spotted Dipper leaving the shack, holding some signs, some nails, and a hammer, heading into the forest. He was wearing his old greenish hat with a star.

I was in the episode "Tourist Trapped".

It didn't make any sense, though. That episode takes place at the very beginning of the summer, and I was halfway through mine. It was July 8th, exactly one month after my sixteenth birthday. I went all the way through the portal—I just realized that's what it was—taking the portal remote with me. I pressed the button on it again, and the portal closed up and disappeared. I saw Mabel go out shortly after, heading into the woods as well. I put my remote in my pocket and followed them.

After a short while, I had reached the clearing where Dipper was reading the newly-acquired Journal #3. I had also managed to get there before Mabel. But just barely.

"HELLO!" Mabel shouted, startling Dipper. "What'cha reading? Some nerd thing?"

Nervous for no apparent reason, Dipper quickly hid it behind his back, even though he knew Mabel saw it already. "Uh, uh, it's nothing." He stammered.

"'Uh, uh, it's nothing.'" Mabel said, mimicking Dipper, then laughed. "Are you actually not going to show me?"

After considering, Dipper decided. "Let's go somewhere private."

They walked back to the shack, and I followed them, making sure to stay out of sight. I would later introduce myself, but now wasn't the best time. I also decided that I had to be careful not to tell them too much information when I met them; having watched all 40 episodes. I'd have to pretend I didn't know anything at first.

As they went into the shack, I hung back a bit, waiting for the perfect opportunity. I couldn't hear Dipper and Mabel's conversation, but I knew what they were saying; being a Gravity Falls fan. I then spotted a person in a concealing black hoodie with a couple of twigs in it. It was the gnomes pretending to be Norman. They walked up and rang the doorbell. I saw my chance.

I ran up to the door, making sure not to be noticed, and hid by the porch. It took a little while, but Mabel answered the door, though not before the doorbell was rung two more times.

After a short greeting, Mabel and "Norman" walked outside, not noticing me. They didn't close the door. I snuck in through the door to see Dipper heading up to the attic and Stan leaving the living room. I snuck up the stairs after Dipper and hid right by the doorway, waiting for a good time to introduce myself. I suddenly heard Dipper yell the word "zombie". I peeked in, seeing Soos fixing the lightbulb and Dipper peering out the window.

I tiptoed in. Dipper stared down at the open journal, pondering. "Is my sister really dating a zombie or am I just going nuts?"

I made sure to say something before Soos did. "Well, maybe. He sure does act like a zombie." _For some reason…_

Dipper and Soos turned around to see me. "Who the heck are you?" Dipper said, apparently alarmed.

"Sorry if I startled you. My name is Nathan." After a second, I decided I'd show my knowledge anyway. "And you're Dipper, aren't you?"

"What?! HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME?!" Dipper said, understandably freaked out.

"Whoa!" Soos said, chuckling. "That is creepy."

"I can understand your concern. If someone I never met came up to me addressing me by name, I'd be pretty freaked out too." I said. "But don't worry—I'm on your side. Anyway, you'll need evidence so you won't appear crazy."

"Well, makes sense." Dipper said, surprisingly calm now. Then Stan called up to Soos, saying the portable outhouses were clogged.

"I am needed elsewhere." Soos said, backing out of the room.

Dipper immediately decided to leave to get some evidence. After a while, Mabel enters and begins brushing her hair, seeming to not notice me. I spoke up.

"Hi Mabel." I said calmly, still somehow startling her.

"Where did you come from?" Mabel said, much more calmly than Dipper had. "And how do you know my name?"

"It's a long story." I say simply. Right after I did, Dipper came in.

"Mabel, we have to talk about Norman." Dipper said. "Oh, hey Nathan." Dipper said, catching sight of me. "What are you still doing here?"

"I'm just here to help."

"Anyway, we must talk about Norman."

"Isn't he the best?" Mabel said, seeming to ignore me. "Check out this giant smooch mark he gave me!"

"Ah!"

"Ha ha, gullible." Mabel chuclked. "It was just—"

"—An accident with the leaf blower." I finish. Dipper and Mabel slowly turn to look at me, shocked looks on their faces.

After a few seconds, Mabel confirmed it, seemingly unaffected by my knowledge. Dipper just sighed and continued on.

"Anyway, I'm trying to say that Norman is not what he seems." Dipper said.

"Do you think he might be a vampire? That would be so awesome!" Mabel said.

"Guess again, sister. Sha-bam!" Dipper said, opening the journal to the page with gnomes. _Yup._

Mabel shrieked. Dipper saw, and changed the page to the zombie page. "Sha-bam!" _Nope._

"A zombie? That is not funny, Dipper." Mabel said.

"I'm not joking! It all adds up. The bleeding, the limp… he never blinks! Have you noticed that?"

"Maybe he's blinking when you're blinking." Mabel said.

"Mabel, remember what the book says about Gravity Falls? 'Trust no one'!" Dipper tried.

"What about me, huh? Why can't you trust me?" Mabel said, putting on some star earrings. "Beep bop!"

"Mabel, he's gonna eat your brain!" Dipper yelled, shaking her. I just watched all this happen, not really sure what to say.

"Dipper, listen to me. Norman and I are going on a date at 5:00, and I'm gonna be _adorable,_ and he's gonna be _dreamy,_ and I am not going to let you ruin it with one of your crazy _conspiracies!_ " Mabel said, pushing Dipper out of the room while he protested. Mabel then turns to look at me.

"I'll let myself out." I say, leaving the room. I see Dipper sigh, sitting down.

"What am I gonna do?" Dipper says to himself.

Before I knew it, it was 5:00. I was sitting next to Dipper, who was watching the evidence he had collected earlier. "You were right, Nathan. I don't have any real evidence." Dipper said. "I guess I can be kind of paranoid sometimes, and—" Dipper saw Norman's hand fall off, before he quickly put it back on. "Wait, WHAT?!"

"You were right, too. Sort of." I say.

"What do you mean, 'sort of'?" Dipper asked.

"You'll see."

"No time for that now, I have to go save Mabel!" Dipper panicked.

"Sure. I'll come too."

Dipper ran outside, calling for Stan. I follow, just walking quickly. Dipper was trying to get Stan's attention, but to no avail. I see Wendy drive up in the golf cart, and shortly after, so does Dipper. "Wendy! Wendy! I need to borrow the golf cart to save my sister from a zombie!" Dipper said. Wendy just simply dropped the keys in his hands.

"Try not to hit any pedestrians." She says.

I jump into the golf cart with Dipper, putting on the seatbelt. Dipper floors the gas, but Soos stops us.

"This is for the zombie." Soos said, handing Dipper a shovel.

"Thanks."

"And this is in case you see a piñata." Soos continued, handing me a baseball bat.

"Uh… thanks?" Dipper said.

"Better safe than sorry!" Soos called out as Dipper drove the cart into the forest.

"Eh, a baseball bat can still be used as a weapon." I say.

"Yeah, I guess so." Dipper said.

"Anyway, you're only sort of right because Norman is actually a bunch of gnomes. _Why_ they act like a zombie; I have no idea."

"Gnomes? What makes you think it's gnomes?" Dipper asked me.

"Because I have seen your entire summer." I say simply.

Suddenly, we heard Mabel calling out. "Dipper!"

"Explain later." Dipper said. "Don't worry, Mabel! We'll save you from those gnomes!"

"Help!" Mabel called out again.

"Hang on!"

As we got closer, we could see that the gnomes were trying to pin down Mabel, being told to do so by Jeff, the leader of the gnomes. They seemed not to notice our approach until Dipper spoke up, having stopped the cart and walked up behind Jeff. "What the heck is going on here?!" He exclaimed, before a gnome came up and hissed at him.

"Guys! Norman turned out to be a bunch of gnomes! And they're total jerks!" Mabel said, before a gnome began pulling on her hair as she exclaimed in pain.

"Gnomes, huh? Nathan was right. That's kinda creepy." Dipper said to himself, pulling out the journal and opening it to the gnomes page. "'Gnomes: little men of the Gravity Falls forest. Weaknesses: unknown.'"

"Aw, come on!" Mabel said, having now been successfully tied down by the gnomes.

"Hey, _hey_! Let go of my sister!" Dipper said.

Jeff, finally seeming to have noticed we were here, turned around. "Oh! Ha ha, hey, there! Um, you know, this is all really just a big misunderstanding." Jeff said, acting like they _hadn't_ kidnapped Mabel and were trying to make her their queen. "You see, your sister's not in danger. She's just marrying all 1,000 of us and becoming our gnome queen for all eternity! Isn't that right, honey?"

Of course, Mabel immediately denied it. "You guys are butt-faces!" Mabel said, before one of the gnomes covered her mouth.

"Give her back right now, or else!" Dipper said, holding his shovel pointed towards Jeff as I hold the baseball bat like I'm about to hit a ball with it.

The gnome leader immediately dropped his friendly demeanor. "You think you can stop us, boy? You have no idea what we're capable of. The gnomes are a powerful race! Do not trifle with the—"

Jeff is interrupted mid-sentence as Dipper shovels him up and tosses him over to me, where I swing the bat at him, sending him soaring about 30 feet away. "Home run." I say. Dipper runs over to Mabel, using the shovel to cut the ropes as I use the bat to scatter the gnomes, and we all run back to the cart. Seeing as there wasn't enough room for all three of us, I just climbed onto the back, standing on the bumper, and hung on to the sides. The twins looked at me, and before they say anything, I told them I'd be able to hold on.

Deciding not to question it, Dipper steps on the gas, and the cart races off.

"Hurry! Before they come after us!" Mabel said.

"I wouldn't worry about it." Dipper told her. "See their little legs? Those suckers are tiny!"

"Tiny, they are. But they have another method of moving around, which also acts as a method of attack." I said. Right on cue, the ground started shaking, causing Dipper to step on the brakes.

"Dang." Mabel said. The gnomes—stacked up into a giant gnome—came over the horizon. The giant gnome growled, somehow able to do so even though it was made entirely of gnomes, and Dipper floored it. My grip wavered a little, but I managed to hold on. The giant gnome's fist came crashing down where we just were, which shattered into the various gnomes that made it up, which hurriedly scrambled back into place before the giant gnome continued chasing us.

"Come back with our queen!" Jeff said, as the giant gnome grew closer.

"It's getting closer!" Mabel said. As I looked behind me again, the giant gnome threw several gnomes at the cart, and they all cause havoc for us. One of them almost made me fall off. One of the gnomes, Shmebulock, jumps up behind Dipper, though he just grabs him and slams him into the wheel a few times, before tossing him off. Another gnome jumps at Dipper's face and starts clawing at it.

"I'll save you, Dipper!" Mabel said, punching the gnome about eight times before it finally falls off, taking Dipper's old hat with him.

"Thanks, Mabel…" Dipper said, before he noticed that his hat was gone.

"Don't mention it."

The giant gnome picks up a tree, throwing it ahead of the cart, before it lands in the path, and Dipper swerves around it, almost making me lose my grip. As we approach the Mystery Shack, I jump off of the cart just before it tips over, and Dipper and Mabel crawl out, slightly dazed from the wreck. The gnomes get closer, and Dipper tells them to stay away and throws the shovel at the giant gnome, which punches it in mid air.

"Where's Grunkle Stan?" Dipper asks. _He's inside showing tourists 'The World's Most Distracting Object'._ I run up behind the giant gnome and throw the bat at it, though unfortunately, I miss. _Of course._ I run up and join the twins.

"It's the end of the line, kids!" Jeff says. "Mabel, marry us before we do something crazy!"

"You've already done something crazy: stacking yourselves up into a giant gnome." I say.

"Okay, fine." Jeff said. "Mabel, marry us before we do something even crazier than this!"

"There's gotta be a way out of this." Dipper said, beginning to pull out the journal.

"I gotta do it." Mabel said, much to Dipper's surprise.

"What?! Mabel, don't do this! Are you crazy?"

"Dipper, relax." I say, before leaning to whisper in his ear. "She has a plan. You'll see."

Dipper looks between the giant gnome and Mabel, before backing off with his hands raised. I also move out of the way.

"All right, Jeff. I'll marry you." Mabel said. Jeff immediately gets excited, and climbs down the giant gnome and up to Mabel, and puts a ring around her finger.

"Now let's get you into the forest, honey." Jeff said, as he begins heading back.

"You may now kiss the bride." Mabel said. Jeff stopped, turned around, and walked back over to Mabel. Jeff readies himself for a kiss, but instead was met with a leaf blower. Mabel sucked up a surprised Jeff.

"That's for lying to me!" Mabel said, then increased the power. "That's for breaking my heart!"

"Ow! My face!"

"And this is for messing with my brother!" Mabel said. "Wanna do the honors?" Mabel asked Dipper, holding it out to him.

"On 3!" Dipper said. Dipper, Mabel and I then all start counting together. "1… 2… 3!" Dipper shot Jeff into the giant gnome, causing it to fall apart into the gnomes that comprised it as Jeff yells out that he'll get back at us. Mabel waves the leaf blower back and forth, scaring off the rest of the gnomes. Mabel apologized to Dipper for ignoring his advice, to which he says that she was the one to save us. Mabel expresses disappointment about Norman being a bunch of gnomes, and the twins do their "awkward sibling hug".

We all head inside, where Stan is counting his money. "Yeesh, did you get hit by a bus or something?" Stan says. We all just begin to walk away. "Uh, hey! W-wouldn't you know it, um, I accidentally overstocked some inventory, so, uh… how's about each of you take one item from the gift shop? On the house, you know?" Stan offers.

"Really?" Mabel said.

"What's the catch?" Dipper said, slightly skeptical.

"The catch is do it before I change my mind. Now take something." Stan told us.

Dipper picked his signature blue pine tree hat, Mabel chose the grappling hook, and I picked out an icecream sandwich. When Mabel chose the grappling hook, Stan was slightly confused.

"Wouldn't she rather have, like, a doll or something?" Stan asked Dipper.

Mabel just shot the grappling hook to the ceiling, and it pulled her up with it. "Grappling hook!"

"Fair enough." Stan said.

It was at this point that I decided to go back to my dimension. I told them I was leaving now. I rushed outside, and, before anyone could follow, I pulled the remote out of my pocket and opened the portal. I went back through to my dimension and closed the portal. After my crazy adventure, I decided I needed to write it down, so I opened my computer and began typing, and I decided I would upload it to the internet.

And now that you've read this story, you should know I will continue to go on adventures in Gravity Falls, and I will be recording my experience there, as well. But for now, I'm going to put the portal remote in a hidden area where my family won't find it, and prepare for my next adventure.


	2. The Legend of the Gobblewonker

**Chapter 2: The Legend of the Gobblewonker**

It had been two weeks since my first and most recent adventure in Gravity Falls. I decided to go there for another visit. So I grabbed my Portal Remote, and I pressed the button, opening up the portal. This time, the portal opened up into the living room of the Mystery Shack, which was currently empty. I found my way into the kitchen just in time to see Dipper pick up the newspaper. It seemed that I was in the second episode. This is even weirder now. Not only do I go from Colorado in my dimension to Oregon in their dimension, but time is impossible to predict. I had a two week gap between my visits in my dimension, but only a couple days in their dimension.

"Ho ho, no way!" Dipper exclaimed. "Hey Mabel, check this out." He said, showing her the paper.

"Human-sized hampster ball?" Mabel said, looking at the left side of the page. " _I'm_ human-sized!"

"No, no, Mabel. This." Dipper said, pointing to the right page. "We see weirder stuff than that every day! We didn't get any photos of those gnomes, did we?"

"Nope, just memories… and this beard hair."

"Why did you save that?" Dipper said, confused.

Immediately after, Stan comes in to the kitchen.

"Good morning, knuckleheads. You three know what day it is?" He said.

"Um… happy anniversary?" Dipper guessed.

" _Mazel tov_!" Mabel proclaimed.

"Family fun day." I said.

"That's right." Stan said, hitting Dipper on the head with his newspaper, then heading over to the fridge. "We're cutting off work and having one of those, you know… bonding-type deals."

"Grunkle Stan, is this gonna be anything like our _last_ family bonding day?" Dipper asked, referring to the time Stan had them make counterfeit money, getting them thrown in prison.

"The county jail was so cold." Mabel shuddered, remembering it.

"Alright, maybe I haven't been the best summer caretaker. But I swear, today, we're gonna have some _real_ fun." Stan said. "Now who wants to put on some blindfolds and get into my car?"

All of us agreed, though Dipper was slightly skeptical about it. Sure enough, Stan made us put some blindfolds on before he would drive anywhere. Dipper and Mabel sat in the back while I sat in front. Once the blindfolds were on, Stan began recklessly driving to his destination, which was the Gravity Falls lake.

"Blindfolds never lead to anything good…" Dipper said after Stan swerved again.

"Wow. I feel like all my other senses are heightened. I can see with my fingers." Mabel whispered, before I heard Dipper laughing, then we hit a bump in the road.

"Grunkle Stan, are _you_ wearing a blindfold?" Dipper asked.

Stan laughed. "No, but with these cataracts, I might as well be." He said. "What is that, a woodpecker?"

Immediately after Stan said this, I heard the sound of wood breaking outside the car and Dipper and Mabel screamed.

After several minutes of Stan recklessly driving and the car bumping along the road, we finally arrived at the Gravity Falls lake. He had us get out of the car, still wearing our blindfolds, and then he got out of the car as well. "Okay, okay. Open 'em up!" Stan instructed. We all did so to see Stan dressed in fishing equipment under a sign that read 'FISHING SEASON OPENING DAY'. "Ta-da! It's fishing season!"

"Fishing?" Mabel asked, confused.

"What are you playing at, old man?" Dipper asked, skeptical.

Instead of answering, however, Stan just continued on. "You're gonna love it! The whole town's out here!" We looked around and, sure enough, several of the townsfolk were out doing various fishing activities. "That's some quality family bonding."

"Grunkle Stan, why do you want to bond with us all of a sudden?" Dipper asked, still not fully convinced.

Stan still didn't answer Dipper directly, though he did provide an answer. "Come on, this is gonna be great! I've never had fishing buddies before. The guys from the lodge won't go with me. They don't 'like or trust' me." _There's probably a good reason for that._

"I think he actually wants to fish with us." Mabel said to me and Dipper.

"Hey, I know what'll cheer you sad-sacks up." Stan said, pulling out three homemade hats, placing two on Dipper and Mabel, then placing the third one on me. "Pow! Pines family fishing hats! I even made one for your friend, too!" We all pulled off the hats and looked at them. Dipper's read 'Dippy', Mabel's read 'Mabel', though the 'E' was backwards, and mine read 'Nathan', with the first 'N' also backwards (or upside-down, I couldn't tell). "And that's-that's hand-stitching, you know." As he said this, the 'L' on Mabel fell off partly, leaving the 'L' hanging upside-down. "It's just gonna be you, me, and those goofy hats on a boat for 10 hours!"

"10 hours?!" Dipper said, slightly panicked.

"I brought the joke book!" Stan said, pulling out a book titled '1001 Yuk 'Em Ups', which also said 'Uncle approved!'.

"No. No!" Dipper said, very panicked now.

"There has to be a way out of this." Mabel said.

Right after, Old Man McGucket came along. "I seen it! I seen it again!" He ran along the shore, knocking over some fishing poles and a table of fish bait, even knocking a man's sandwich out of his hands. "The Gravity Falls Gobblewonker! Come quick before he scramdoodles away!" He panicked, doing a 'jig of grave danger'.

"Aww, he's doing a happy jig." Mabel said, before McGucket grabbed her by the shoulders.

"No! It's a jig of grave danger!" He said.

"Hey, hey!" A man came out of the lone building behind us holding a spray bottle half-full of water, chasing McGucket. "Now what did I tell you about scaring my customers? This is your last warning, dad." He said, spraying McGucket.

"But I got proof this time, by gummity!" He said, walking over to one of the docks. Me, Dipper, Mabel, Stan, McGucket's son, and a few others followed him as he pointed to the wrecks of a small boat in the water. "There! Behold! It's the gobbledywonker what done did it! It had a long neck like a giraffe, and wrinkly skin like… like this gentleman right here." McGucket said, pointing to Stan picking his ear. "It chopped my boat up to smitheroons! It shim-shammed over to Scuttlebutt Island! You gotta believe me!"

By this point, McGucket had attracted the attention of the local police officers. "Attention all units. We got ourselves a crazy old man." Blubs said, causing everyone except for McGucket and his son, Dipper, Mabel, Stan, and me to start laughing.

"Aw, donkey spittle! Banjo polish." McGucket mumbled, walking off with his head hung. Everyone else left shortly after.

"Well that happened." Stan said. "Now let's untie this boat and get out on that lake!" Stan said, getting into an old, run-down boat and untying it from the dock.

"Mabel, Nathan, did you hear what that old dude said?" Dipper asked, turning to us.

"I sure did." I say.

"'Aw, donkey spittle!'" Mabel said, mocking McGucket.

"The other thing, about the monster." Dipper said. "If we can snag a photo of it, we could split the prize 33-33-33."

"That's three 33's!" Mabel said.

"Imagine what you could do with $333.33!" Dipper exclaimed. Mabel turned around, daydreaming, presumably about getting the human-sized hamster ball, and inside of it while it had a $333.33 price tag still on it, then going around town in it. After a minute or so, Dipper and I had to bring Mabel out of her fantasy.

"Dipper, Nathan, I am one _million_ percent onboard with this!" Mabel said. _Even though 1,000,000% is physically impossible when talking about parts of a whole, but I won't tell her otherwise. I'll just let her have her fun._

"Grunkle Stan! Change of plans. We're taking that boat to Scuttlebutt Island and we're gonna find that Gobblewonker!" Dipper told Stan. Dipper, Mabel and I began chanting 'Monster hunt!' over and over until McGucket tried to join in as well.

"Monster hunt! Monster— eh, I'll go."

Soos came up in his own boat, much more impressive than Stan's, blowing the boat's horn. "You dudes say something about a monster hunt?"

"Soos!" Mabel said.

"What's up, hambone?" Soos greeted, as him and Mabel did their own fist bump then mimicking explosions. "Dude, you could totally use my boat for your hunt. It's got a steering wheel, chairs… normal boat stuff."

"All right, all right, let's think this through." Stan said, catching our attention. "You kids _could_ go waste your time on some 'epic monster-finding adventure', _or_ you could spend the day learning how to tie knots and skewer worms with your great-uncle Stan!"

Dipper, Mabel and I look over at Soos doing a robot dance, then look back at Stan in his leaky boat sniffing his armpit. We all decided to go with Soos.

"We're gonna find that Gobblewonker!" Mabel proclaimed.

"We're gonna win that photo contest!" Dipper exclaimed.

"Do any of you dudes have sunscreen?" Soos asked us.

"We're gonna… go get sunscreen!" Dipper said, as Soos turned the boat around.

After a quick stop of buying some sunscreen and putting it on ourselves, we were back out on the water.

"All right, if we want to win this contest, we've gotta do it right." Dipper said. "Think. What's the #1 problem with most monster hunts?"

"You're a side character and you die in the first five minutes of the movie." Soos guessed. "Dude, am I a side character? Do you ever think about stuff like that?"

"No no no, camera trouble." Dipper said. "Say Bigfoot shows up. Soos, be Bigfoot." Soos did so, posing like Bigfoot. "'There he is! Bigfoot! Uh oh, no camera! Oh wait, here's one! Aw, no film!' You see? You see what I'm doing?"

Mabel, Soos and I all understood what Dipper was saying. "Dude's got a point." Soos said.

"That's why I bought 17 disposable cameras." Dipper said. "Two on my ankle, three in my jacket, three for each of you, two extras in this bag, and one… under my hat." Dipper said, revealing the cameras and handing us ours while listing them off. "There's no way we're gonna miss this. Okay everybody, let's test our cameras out."

Soos tested out one of his cameras, accidentally holding it backwards, and snapped a photo. The flash shone in his eyes, startling him and causing him to accidentally throw the camera overboard.

"You see? This is _exactly_ why you need backup cameras." Dipper said pointedly, at first not minding the loss of the camera. "We still have 16." Right then, a bird dive-bombed Mabel and she threw one of her cameras at it. This time, Dipper was slightly annoyed. "15. Okay guys, I repeat, don't lose your cameras."

"Wait, lose the cameras?" Soos asked.

" _Don't_!"

"Dude, I just threw two away."

"13!" Dipper said, rather aggravated now. "All right, we still have 13 camer—" Dipper slammed his fist down, accidentally smashing a camera sitting there. "12. We have 12 cameras."

"I'll make sure to keep track of mine." I told Dipper.

"So what's the plan?" Mabel asked. "Throw more cameras overboard or what?"

"NO! No!" Dipper panicked. Mabel smiled, most likely teasing Dipper. "Okay. You and Nathan will be lookout, Soos can work the steering wheel, and I'll be captain."

"What? Why do you get to be captain?" Mabel asked. "What about Mabel, huh? Ma-bel! Ma-bel! Ma-bel! Ma-bel!"

"I'm not sure that's a good idea." Dipper told her.

"What about co-captain?" Mabel asked.

"There's no such thing as co-captain." Dipper said.

"Yeah, I don't think I've ever heard of co-captain either." I said.

"Oh, whoops!" Mabel said, throwing a camera overboard. _11._

"Okay, fine! You can be co-captain." Dipper said, not wanting to lose anymore cameras.

"Can I be associate co-captain?" Soos asked.

"As co-captain, I authorize that request." Mabel said before Dipper had a chance to answer.

"I don't really care if I'm captain or co-captain or whatever." I said. "It's just a title, after all. It won't really change anything."

"Well, as _first_ co-captain, our #1 order of business is to lure the monster out with this." Dipper said, gesturing over to a barrel of fish food.

"Permission to taste some?" Soos asked.

"Granted." Dipper said.

"Permission co-granted." Mabel said.

"I don't think you want to do that, but sure, go ahead." I said.

"Permission associate co-granted." Soos said, grabbing a piece and licking it. Almost immediately, Soos started coughing and wiping his tongue while the rest of us were laughing. "Dude, I don't know what I expected that to taste like."

We were beginning to go into some fog while Soos was shoveling the fish food out into the water.

"Hey, how's it going?" Mabel asked a pelican sitting on the rail of the ship. "'It's going awesome. Bow bow, ba-bow bow.'" Mabel said, mimicking the pelican and moving its beak.

"We're almost there." I said. Nobody seemed to hear me though.

"Mabel, leave that thing alone." Dipper told her.

"'Aw, I don't mind none!' Hey look I'm drinking water! 'Grinkle grinkle little—'" Mabel stopped, choking on the water as the pelican flew away.

"Aren't you supposed to be doing lookout with Nathan?" Dipper asked Mabel.

"Look out!" Mabel yelled, throwing a volleyball at Dipper. "But seriously, I'm on it." Right after Mabel said this, the boat plowed into the shore causing us to almost lose our balance. "See? We're here! I'm a lookout genius. Hamster ball, here we come!"

Dipper grabbed the lantern, and we all climbed out of the boat and began walking. We all came to a sign reading 'Scuttlebutt Island'. Soos, Mabel and I stopped at the sign for a moment. "Dude, check it out." Soos said. Soos lifted his arm up, covering up the 'Scuttle' part of the sign. "Butt Island."

"Soos, you rapscallion!" Mabel said. "Hey! Why aren't you laughing?" Mabel asked Dipper, who was the only one not smiling from Soos' joke. "Are you scared?"

"Yeah right, I'm not—" Mabel cut him off, poking Dipper's nose and blowing a raspberry.

"Yeah you are!" Mabel said, poking Dipper's nose several more times then poking the top of his head while Dipper protested, dropping the lantern. Mabel didn't stop until a loud noise caught our attention.

"Dude, did you guys hear that?" Soos asked.

"What _was_ that?" Mabel asked. "Was it your stomach?"

"No, my stomach normally sounds like whale noises." Soos answered. Mabel put her ear up to Soos' stomach to listen.

"Wow! So majestic." Mabel said.

"Dipper, grab the lantern!" I told him. However, it was too late as a possum came and grabbed the lantern, running off with it.

"Our lantern!" Dipper said. "Oh! I can't see anything!"

"Dude, I don't know man. Maybe this, uh… maybe this isn't worth it." Soos said.

" _Not_ worth it?" Dipper said. "Guys, imagine what would happen if we got that picture." Dipper and Mabel took a moment to imagine it. "I'm in."

"Me too!" Mabel said. Dipper and Mabel ran off, Soos and I following shortly after.

After a while, Soos began making beat-box sounds as Mabel sang along. "My name is Mabel. It rhymes with table. It also rhymes with glable. It also rhymes with schmable."

"Dude, we should be writing this down." Soos said.

"It rhymes with cable. It rhymes with fable." I said, continuing it. "It rhymes with able. It rhymes with stable. It rhymes with enable. It rhymes with disable."

"Nice." Soos said.

"Guys! Guys, guys. You hear something?" Dipper said. "This is it. This is it!" We walked further onward for a little bit before we saw a vague silhouette in the distance. Dipper, Mabel, Soos and I ducked behind a nearby log. "Everyone. Get your cameras ready." We all did so. "Ready? Go!" As soon as Dipper had said that, Soos ran out, yelling and snapping pictures repeatedly and at random. When we all got closer, it revealed to just be a bunch of beavers and the ruins of a wooden boat. "But— but what was that noise, then? I heard a monster noise." Dipper said. The noise was heard again, having been a beaver with a chainsaw.

"Sweet! Beaver with a chainsaw." Soos said, taking a picture of it.

"Maybe that old guy was crazy after all." Dipper said, disappointed.

"He did use the word 'scrapdoodle'." Mabel said, just as upset.

Soos didn't seem as bothered, though. He kept taking pictures of a beaver.

"What are we gonna say to Grunkle Stan?" Dipper said to himself. "We ditched him over nothing.… Hey, do you guys feel that?" The 'rock' Dipper was sitting on disappeared under the water, causing him to fall in. He quickly came back to the shore, Soos, Mabel and I pulling him up. We saw the tail of the supposed Gobblewonker sticking out of the water as it swam away, only to turn back around. "This is it!" Dipper said, pulling out a camera and snapping a photo. "Come on, this is our chance!" Dipper said, but we just backed away. "What's wrong with you guys?" Dipper said.

"Dipper…" Mabel said.

"Dude…" Soos told Dipper.

"Behind you." I told him.

Dipper looked behind him and saw the Gobblewonker looking down at him. Then it roared. Dipper was so startled he dropped the camera he was holding. _10 cameras left._ "Run!" Soos yelled. We all ran, Dipper pushing Mabel out of the way of a tree the beast knocked over. "Get back to the boat! Hurry!" Soos yelled. The Gobblewonker snapped down at us, then Mabel and I jumped onto Soos' back while Dipper turned around, taking another camera out and taking a photo, though he tripped over a root, losing the camera.

"The picture!" Dipper said, trying to go back for the camera before Soos grabbed him. _9._

"Dude, if it makes you feel any better I got tons of pictures of those beavers, dude!" Soos offered.

"Why would that make me feel better?!" Dipper said.

When we finally got back to the boat,, we climbed in as fast as we could. "Let's get out of here, dudes!" Soos said. Almost immediately, the boat was back on the water and we were speeding away from the Gobblewonker, trailing close behind. Dipper saw the opportunity and pulled out one of the cameras.

"All right, this is it!" Dipper prepared to take a photo, then stopped. "Cracked lens?! Soos, get a photo!" _8._ We looked over to see Soos throwing camera after camera at the Gobblewonker. _7\. 6. 5. 4._ "What are you doing?!" Dipper shouted.

"Sorry dude, I don't have any left." Soos apologized.

"I do!" I said. "Just like I said earlier, I still have all three of mine!" I pulled one out of my bag, only for Soos to grab it and throw it. Instead of catching it though, Dipper missed it and it slammed into the wall, shattering. _3._ The Gobblewonker got into the water pursuing us, then tried to lunge its head at us, though Soos made the boat accelerate, and we were riding the wave that it had made. Soos finally turned the boat around and we continued on, rushing past other people, including Stan, then back to Scuttlebutt Island.

"Soos! Beavers!" Dipper said, pointing to the group of beavers we had found earlier. We crashed through their boat ruins, and all the beavers were wreaking havoc on the boat. We eventually got most of the beavers off, but one was still stuck to Soos' face, and Mabel was driving the boat now. We rushed back past several people in their own boats, the Gobblewonker overturning them all. The Gobblewonker swung its head at the boat, effectively destroying it for the most part. We ran through a sheet of glass and towards the waterfall.

"Where do I go?!" Mabel asked in a panic.

"There's a cave behind that waterfall!" I said.

We went through the waterfall, and sure enough, there was a cave. We crashed on the shore and dusted ourselves off. The Gobblewonker followed us too, though it got stuck in the small opening in the cave. It squirmed around, trying to get through, but failing.

"It's stuck!" Mabel said.

"Ha-ha, yeah!" Dipper exclaimed. Then, it hit him. "Wait. It's stuck?" Dipper reached inside his vest for a camera, but didn't find one. He frantically patted himself down, looking for a camera, then I held out my bag with two remaining cameras and Mabel lifted up Dipper's hat, revealing the third one. Dipper grabbed the camera from on his head and began snapping several photos in rapid succession.

"Did you get a good one?" Mabel asked.

"They're all good ones!" Dipper exclaimed. Dipper and Mabel began celebrating. Then the Gobblewonker's squirming caused a particularly large rock to fall on its head. Bolts of electricity were heard as the robotic Gobblewonker's head fell down into the water slowly and its eyes went out.

"What the—?" Dipper said. Dipper went over to the robot and began inspecting it, then climbing on top of it.

"Careful, dude!" Soos said.

"I've got this. Hold on." Dipper said, climbing over to the back of the robot. "Hey guys, come check this out!" We all went over to where Dipper was and saw a hatch. Dipper opened up the hatch, where Old Man McGucket was trying to fix the problem with his machine until he noticed us. "Wha— y— _you_?! You _made_ this?! Why?!"

"He just wanted attention." I said, everyone looking at me.

"Eh… yeah, ya got me." McGucket said guiltily.

"I still don't understand." Dipper said.

"Well, first I just hootenannied up a bio-mechanical brain wave generator, and then I learned to operate a stick shift with my beard." McGucket said, not understanding what he meant.

"Okay, yeah, but _why_ did you do it?" Mabel asked.

"Well, when ya get to be an old fella like me nobody pays any attention to you anymore." McGucket explained. "My own son hasn't visited me in months. So I figured maybe I'd catch his fancy with a 15-ton aquatic robot." McGucket said, laughing maniacally before it faded into a sigh of remorse. "In retrospect it seems a bit contrived. You just don't know the lengths us old-timers go through for a little quality time with our family."

"Dude, I guess the real lake monster is you two. Heh! Sorry, it just, like, boom, popped into my head there." Soos said.

"So… did you ever talk to your son about how you felt?" Mabel asked.

"No, sir, I just got to work straight on the robot. I made lots of robots in my day." McGucket said, showing us a slideshow of his robot blueprints. "Like when my wife left me and I created a homicidal pterodactyl-tron, or when my pal Ernie didn't come to my retirement party and I constructed an 80-ton shame bot that exploded the entire downtown area!" McGucket finished, laughing crazily. "Well, time to get back to work on my death ray!… Any you kids got a screwdriver?"

"Well, so much for the photo contest." Dipper said dejectedly.

"We still have three rolls of film left." Mabel said.

"What do you want to do with it?" Dipper asked.

"I think the best course of action would be to go back to your Grunkle Stan and use the remaining film taking pictures together while fishing." I said.

After we managed to get the remains of Soos' boat back out on the water, with me at the highest part to avoid getting wet since I don't enjoy getting water on me at all unless I'm swimming, Soos drove the boat over to Stan and we got his attention.

"Hey! Over here!" Dipper called out. Stan looked at us in a mixture of confusion over what happened to us and the boat, and slight disdain for us leaving him. Dipper, Mabel and I grabbed a camera and shot a photo of Stan.

"What the— kids?! I thought you three were off playing spin the bottle with Soos." Stan said.

"Well, we spent all day trying to spend a legendary dinosaur." Dipper said.

"But we realized the only dinosaur we want to hang out with is right here." Mabel told Stan, gesturing to him.

"Save your sympathy! I've been having a great time without ya. Making friends, talking to my reflection… I ha a run-in with the lake police! Guess I gotta wear this ankle bracelet now, so that'll be fun." Stan lifted up his foot to show a metal device with a blinking red light around his ankle.

"So, uh… I guess there isn't room in that boat for four more?" Dipper said. Stan just glared at us, but his expression softened when we pulled out our hats Stan made us. (Truth be told, I felt a tad awkward treating Stan like an uncle.)

"You knuckleheads ever see me thread a hook with my eyes closed?" Stan asked.

"$5 says you can't do it." Dipper challenged.

"You're on!"

"$5 more says you can't do it with your eyes closed, _plus_ me singing at the top of my lungs!" Mabel challenged.

"I like those odds!" Stan said. We all climbed into the boat and Stan looked at Soos' ruined shirt. "Whoa! What happened to your shirt?" Stan asked.

"Long story dude." Soos replied.

"All right, everybody get together." Dipper said, pulling out one of the three remaining cameras. "Say 'fishing'!"

"Fishing!" Everyone said. We spent the rest of the day doing fishing, telling jokes, Stan doing the bet (and cheating), and getting up to mischief.

After a while, I headed back home. When I got back, I found out that absolutely no time at all had passed, leaving me even more confused. But I decided not to question it. So I hid away my portal remote again, and proceeded to play on my iPad for the rest of the day. Although, I figure that at some point, I should bring Dipper to my dimension and completely blow his mind by showing him that their world is recorded on TV in my world, and that I also have Journal 3. I should probably do it before we meet Bill too, because I have a homemade paper pyramid decorated to look just like him. (It was a math class project where we had to measure the lengths and calculate surface area and volume, and we were allowed to decorate it however we liked.) Anyway, with my second adventure finished, even if it was for nothing, I continued on with the rest of my day.


	3. Headhunters

**Chapter 3: Headhunters**

It had been another two weeks since my last adventure. It was at this point that I figured it would become a regular thing to visit every two weeks. I grabbed my portal remote from its hiding place and activated the portal, stepping through it to find Dipper and Mabel watching Ducktective.

 _"I'm afraid your services won't be required here, sir. My men have examined the evidence, and this is obviously an accident."_

 _"Quack quack quack, quack? Quack quack quack… quack quack?!" (Accident, constable? Or is it… murder?!)_

 _"What?!"_

 _"Ducktective will return after these messages."_

"That duck is a genius." Mabel exclaimed in awe.

"Eh, it's easier to find clues when you're that close to the ground." Dipper said, not nearly as impressed.

"Maybe, but he's basically the smartest duck you will ever find." I said.

"Are you saying you could outwit Ducktective?" Mabel asked Dipper skeptically.

"Mabel, I have very keen powers of observation." Dipper replied. "For example, just by smelling your breath, I can tell that you have been eating… an entire tube of toothpaste?"

"It was so sparkly…" Mabel admitted guiltily.

"Hey dudes!" Soos called out to us. "You'll never guess what I found!"

"Buried treasure!" Dipper said quickly.

"Buried— hey! I was gonna say that!" Mabel said, playfully punching Dipper in the arm.

"Come on, I'll show you!" Soos said, leading us down a dark part of the shack.

"So I was cleaning up when I found this secret door hidden behind the wallpaper. It's crazy-bonkers creepy!" Soos said, opening up the door, some cobwebs falling apart as he did so, revealing a bunch of wax figures.

"Whoa! It's a secret wax museum!" Dipper exclaimed, shining his flashlight around.

"They're so lifelike!" Mabel said, running her finger along wax Sherlock Holmes.

"Except for that one." Dipper said, shining his light on Stan.

"Hello!" Stan said, startling everyone except me. "Heh heh, it's just me! Your Grunkle Stan!" He said, oddly enough causing the others to be much more scared this time, to the point where they ran out of the room screaming. "What's up with them? They look like they've seen a ghost." Stan asked me after the others had fled the room.

They did come back shortly after though, at which point Stan decided to introduce the wax figures. "Behold the Gravity Falls wax museum. It was one of our most popular attractions!… Before I forgot all about it. I got 'em all: Genghis Khan, Sherlock Holmes, some kind of… I don't know, goblin man?" Stan said, gesturing to a wax figure of Larry King.

"Eugh! Is anyone else getting the creeps here?" Dipper asked.

"And now for my personal favorite, wax Abraham Lincoln, right over—" Stan cut himself off upon seeing the remains of the now melted wax figure, caught in the sunlight from a nearby window due to the blinds having been left up. "Oh, oh! Oh no! Come on! Who left the blinds open?! Wax John Wilkes Booth, I'm looking in your direction." Stan knelt down, sighing, running his finger in the pile of melted wax, getting some on his finger. "How do you fix a wax figure?"

"Cheer up, Grunkle Stan! Where's that smile?" Mabel said, getting a disinterested 'meh' in return. "Beep bop boop!" Mabel said, poking Stan in the cheek, nose, and eye.

"Ow."

"Don't worry, Grunkle Stan. I'll make you a new wax figure from all this old wax." Mabel offered.

"You really think you could make one of these puppies?" Stan asked her.

"Grunkle Stan, I'm an arts-and-crafts master. Why do you think I always have this glue gun stuck to my arm?" Mabel said, lifting up her arm to reveal a hot glue gun glued to the sleeve of her sweater. She tried to shake it off, to no avail.

"I like your gumption, kid." Stan said.

"I don't know what that word means, but thank you." Mabel said.

"Gumption means spirited initiative and resourcefulness." I told her.

Then, we all gathered up some wax and made it into a large block of wax and put it in the parlor, and Mabel began working on ideas for the wax figure. Dipper came in, drinking a can of Pitt Cola. Mabel jumped off of the step ladder she was sitting on and in front of Dipper, startling him enough that he began choking on the soda he was drinking.

"Dipper. What do you think of my wax figure idea? She's part fairy princess, and part horse fairy princess." Mabel said, showing him a sketch of said… thing.

"Mm, maybe you should carve something from real life." Dipper suggested.

"Like a waffle, with big arms!" Mabel said, showing him a sketch of said waffle.

"Y- okay. or, y'know, something else, like-like someone in your family."

"Kids! Have you seen my pants?" Stan asked, coming into the room, posing on a suitcase lying on the floor.

Mabel saw her inspiration. "Oh, muse. You work in mysterious ways…"

"Why is your sister talking to the ceiling?" Stan asked Dipper.

Mabel immediately got to work on the wax figure, starting by carving it out.

…

It was taking a while. So to pass the time, I pulled my phone out of my pocket and played Minecraft. (During that time I managed to conquer an ocean monument.)

…

After several hours, Mabel had finished the wax figure of Stan.

"I think… it needs more glitter." Mabel said thoughtfully.

"Agreed." Soos said simply, handing Mabel a bucket full of glitter, before she tossed the entire bucket onto the wax figure of Stan.

"I found my pants, but now I'm missing my—" Stan cut himself off when he saw the wax duplicate of himself, falling back onto the floor, yelling, and scooting back several feet in shock.

"What do you think?" Mabel asked Stan, walking up to him.

"I think… the wax museum's back in business!" Stan exclaimed, still on the floor. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go prepare for the grand unveiling tomorrow so I can show off Mr. Handsome to the world!"

Sure enough, the next day, Stan bribed me, Dipper, and Wendy to work the admission booth. (It was really weird sleeping in the Mystery Shack's living room chair for a number of reasons.)

"I can't believe this many people showed up." Dipper remarked.

"I know, right? Your uncle probably bribed them or something." Wendy replied.

"He bribed me." Dipper said, pulling out a dollar. Wendy and I also pulled out a dollar and we all chuckled.

From our spots, we could see the stage as the unveiling began.

"You all know me, folks. Town darling, Mr. Mystery. Please, ladies! Control yourselves." Stan said. Silence. "As you know, I always bring the people of this fair town novelties and befuddlements, the likes of which the world has never known. But enough about me. Behold… me! And now a word from our own Mabel-angelo."

"It's Mabel. Thank you for coming! I made this sculpture with my own two hands! It's covered in my blood, sweat, tears, and other fluids." The entire crowd cringed in disgust at this notion. "Heh heh, yeah. I will now take questions. You there!"

"Old Man McGucket, local kook. Are the wax figures alive, and, follow-up question, can I survive the wax man uprising?"

"Um… yes! Next question."

"Toby Determined, Gravity Falls Gossiper. Do you really think this constitutes a wonder of the world?"

"Your microphone's a turkey baster, Toby." Stan deadpanned.

"It certainly is."

"Next question."

"Shandra Jimenez, a _real_ reporter. Your fliers promised free pizza with admission to this event. Is this true?" The crowd began clamoring over this, as Dipper and Wendy exchanged a look while I just continued watching the chaos unfold.

"That was a typo. Goodnight, everyone!" Stan said, throwing down a smoke bomb and fleeing the scene, taking the box of admission with him on his way past us. The angry crowd left, some of them destroying part of the setup.

"I think that went well." Mabel said, casually leaning on the table we were at.

"Eh, not really." I said.

That night, as Mabel was cleaning up wax Stan, the real Stan was counting the money he got from earlier. "Hot pumpkin pie! Look at all this cash! And I owe it all to one person… this guy." Stan said, gesturing to wax Stan. Mabel lightly punched Stan in the stomach. "Yeah, you too, you little gremlin. Now you kids wash up. We got another long day of fleecing rubes tomorrow. Go, go!"

Upstairs, I just waited in silence for the inevitable. Sure enough…

"No. No! NOOOOO!" Stan yelled. We all rushed down; I knew what the problem was already. "Wax Stan, he's been… m-m-murdered!"

Stan called the cops saying that Wax Stan was murdered, and in minutes, they were here. Stan told them the story.

"I got up to use the john, right? And when I come back, blammo! He's headless!"

"My expert handcrafting, besmirched. Besmirched!" Mabel exclaimed.

"Who would do something like this?" Dipper asked, putting a hand on Mabel's shoulder.

"What's your opinion, Sheriff Blubs?" Durland asked him.

"Look, we'd love to help you folks, but let's face the facts. This case is unsolvable."

"What?!" Everyone exclaimed.

"You take that back, Sheriff Blubs!" Stan told him.

"You're kidding, right? There must be evidence; motives. You know, I could help if you want." Dipper said.

"He's really good. He figured out who was eating our tin cans." Mabel said.

"All signs pointed to the goat." Dipper said.

"Yeah, yeah. Let the boy help. He's got a little brain up in his head." Stan said.

"Whoo! Would you look at what we got here! City boy thinks he's gonna solve a mystery with his fancy computer phone!" Blubs teased.

"City boooy! City boooy!"

"You are adorable!"

"Adorable?" Dipper said, to which the cops just laughed, much to his annoyance.

"Look, pj's. How about you leave the investigating to the grown-ups, okay?" Blubs said.

Then the cops just ran off when their radio said that a guy named Steve was fitting an entire cantaloupe in his mouth.

"That's it! Mabel, you, me, and Nathan are going to find the jerk who did this and get back that head! Then we'll see who's adorable." Dipper said, before sneezing.

"Aw, you sneeze like a kitten!" Mabel said, to Dipper's annoyance.

I was getting pretty hungry, so I left for a while and ate.

When I got back, they had made the living room into a crime scene area.

"Wax Stan has lost his head, and it's up to us to find it." Dipper said. "There were a lot of unhappy customers at the unveiling. The murderer could have been anyone."

"Yeah! Even _us_!" Mabel said. I seriously contemplated just telling them it was living wax figures. But that would spoil the mystery and ruin the fun.

"In this town, _anything_ is possible. Ghosts, zombies… could be months before we find our first clue."

"Hey, look! A clue!" Mabel said, pointing to footprints in the carpet.

"Or you could end up solving it in one day." I said, knowing full well that's exactly what would happen.

"Footprints in the shag carpet." Dipper said.

"That's weird. They've got a hole in them." Mabel said.

"And they're leading to…" An axe.

We took the axe to Soos.

"So what do you think?" Dipper asked.

"In my opinion… this is an axe." Soos said.

"Wait a minute. The lumberjack!" Mabel said.

"Of course!" They both said.

"He was _furious_ when he didn't get that free pizza." Dipper said.

"Furious enough for murder!" Mabel said.

"Oh, you mean Manly Dan. Yeah, he hangs out at this crazy-intense biker joint downtown." Soos said.

"Then that's where we're going." Mabel said.

"Dude, this is awesome. You two are like the Mystery Twins." Soos said.

"Don't call us that."

We headed out, passing Stan pulling a coffin out of the back of his car. "Hey, gimme a hand with this coffin, will ya? I'm doing a memorial service for wax Stan. Something small, but classy."

"Sorry, Grunkle Stan, but we've got a big break in the case."

"Break in the case!"

"We're heading into town right now to interrogate the murderer." Dipper said.

"We have an axe! Ree! Ree! Ree!" Mabel said, pretending to chop the air with the axe.

"Eh, it seems like the kind of thing a responsible parent wouldn't want you doing…. Good thing I'm an uncle!" Stan said. "Avenge me, kids! AVENGE MEEEE!"

We headed into town and arrived at the Skull Fracture. I told them they could go in and do it without me and I'd wait outside.

After a few minutes, they were back. "So how'd it go?" I asked, even though I already knew.

"It's a left-handed axe. These are all our suspects. Manly Dan is right-handed. That means all we gotta do is find our left-handed suspect and we've got our killer." Dipper said.

"Oh, man! We are on fire today! Pa-zow! Pa-zow! Pa-zow!" Mabel exclaimed.

"Let's find that murderer." Dipper said.

"Why don't we just take it over to the police and have them examine the axe for fingerprints?" I suggested, not really wanting to run around town all day, but not wanting to ruin the mystery either.

"That's… actually a pretty good idea." Dipper said.

When we got there, Dipper cut right to the chase. "Check the axe for fingerprints." Dipper said after telling them the story. They did so.

"No prints at all." Blubs said.

" _No_ prints?" Dipper asked.

"Well, it sure seems you've wasted everyone's time." Durland said, then him and Blubs began laughing.

After that, Dipper and Mabel decided to head back to the shack, and I followed. Stan's memorial service began, and about halfway through, he fled the room crying. Dipper and Mabel just walked up to the coffin.

"Huh. Wax Stan's shoe has a hole in it." Dipper said.

"All the wax guys have that. It's where the pole thingy attaches to their stand dealies." Mabel said.

"Wait a minute! What has holes in its shoes and _no_ fingerprints? Mabel! Nathan! The murderers are—"

"—Standing right behind you." We turned around and all the wax figures were coming to life. One of them came up and took the axe back from Mabel.

"Congratulations, my three amateur sleuths. You've unburied the truth! And now we're going to bury you." Wax Sherlock Holmes said, then all the others approached. "Bravo, Dipper Pines. You've discovered our little secret." Wax Sherlock Holmes said, pulling out Wax Stan's head. "Applaud, everyone! Applaud sarcastically! Uh, no. That sounds too sincere. Slow clap. There we go. Nice and condescending."

"But, how is this possible? You're made of wax!" Dipper said.

"Are you… magic?" Mabel asked.

"Are we magic? She wants to know if we're magic?" Wax Sherlock Holms said. "We're cursed! Cursed to come to life whenever the moon is waxing. Your uncle bought us many years ago at a garage sale."

"A haunted garage sale, son!"

"And so the Mystery Shack wax collection was born. By day we would be the playthings of man."

"But when your uncle was asleep, we would rule the night."

"It was a charmed life for us cursed beings.… That is, until your uncle closed up shop. We've been waiting ten years to get our revenge on Stan for locking us away. But we got the wrong guy."

"So you were trying to murder Grunkle Stan for _real_?!" Dipper asked in shock.

"You were right all along, Dipper! Wax people _are_ creepy!" Mabel said.

"Enough! Now that you know our secret, you must die." Wax Sherlock Holmes said, his eyes and the eyes of all the other wax figures rolling back in their hea so that just the white was visible, making them look even creepier.

"What do we do? What do we do?!" Mabel asked frantically.

"We melt them!" I said.

"So we just need to melt them with hotty-melty things!" Mabel said. Dipper threw the coffee at wax Genghis Khan, and his face melted. Dipper and Mabel grabbed the fake candles from the table and wielded them like swords. The other wax figures cowered back at this.

"Anyone move, and we'll melt you into candles!" Dipper said.

" _Decorative_ candles!"

"You really think you can defeat us?!" Wax Sherlock Holmes asked. Dipper and Mabel were not entirely sure. But I was.

"Absolutely!" I said, pulling out the can of hairspray I had brought with me.

"Hairspray? Really? How's that going to help you?" Wax Sherlock Holmes said. Dipper and Mabel also looked confused.

"Not _just_ hairspray." I said. I began spraying the hairspray off to the side, then I pulled out the lighter, lit the hairspray, and everyone watched as the hairspray turned into a homemade flamethrower.

"Whoa! _That_ is cool!" Dipper said. "Do you always keep that bottle of hairspray and that lighter with you? Dipper asked me.

"No, I just brought it with me for this special event." I said.

"Enough stalling. Attack!"

I couldn't watch Dipper and Mabel fighting because I was rather busy fighting myself. Using my homemade flamethrower, I ran around, avoiding attacks left and right and melting them. One of them tried to sneak up from behind me, but Dipper warned me of that just in time, and I melted it as it screamed in agony. Dipper meanwhile was being led out of the room by wax Sherlock Holmes, while Mabel and I finished off the rest of the wax figures. When we finished them off, Mabel tossed the rest of the wax into the fireplace while I went up to help Dipper. I got there just in time to see wax Sherlock Holmes raise his sword over Dipper. "Any last words?" Sherlock Holmes asked him.

"You're gonna need a potion of fire resistance!" I said from behind him.

"A… what?!" Wax Sherlock Holmes said in confusion, turning around to look at me. I used the homemade flamethrower on wax Sherlock Holmes, melting most of him. Wax Sherlock Holmes' melted remains began running off the roof.

"Nice one." Dipper complimented me. "Case closed!" Dipper dusted off his hands, causing him to sneeze.

"Ha ha ha! You sneeze like a kitten." Wax Sherlock Holmes' melted head said, running towards the edge of the roof. "Those policemen were right, you're adorable. Adorable!" Wax Sherlock Holmes' head fell off the roof, splatting on the ground.

We headed back into the parlor as Mabel finished getting rid of the wax. "Dipper! You're okay! You solved the mystery after all!"

"Hot Belgian waffles!" Stan exclaimed, walking into the parlor. "What happened to my parlor?!"

"Your wax figures turned out to be evil so we fought them to the death!" Mabel said cheerfully.

"I decapitated Larry King." Dipper said.

"Ha ha! You kids and your imaginations!" Stan said, not buying it.

"On the bright side, though, look what we found." Dipper said, tossing Stan the head of wax Stan.

"My head! Ha ha! I missed this guy! You done good, kids! Line up for some affectionate noogying." Needless to say, it felt _very_ awkward for me. The cops drove up, though.

"Solve the case yet, boy?" Blubs asked teasingly. "I'm so confident you're gonna say no that I'm gonna take a long, slow sip from my cup of coffee."

"Actually, the answer is yes." Dipper said triumphantly, holding up the head of wax Stan. Blubs was so surprised he spit out his coffee into Durland's face, and they spit hot coffee on each other before speeding off and smashing into a tree. We all shared a good laugh from this.

"They got scalded!"

"So, did you get rid of all the wax figures?" Dipper asked Mabel.

"I am 99% sure that I did." Mabel said.

"Good enough for me!" Dipper said.

"Anyway, I'll be heading back now." I said. "Have fun chasing wax Larry King's decapitated head through the air vents, Dipper."

"Wait, what?"

I left, and went back through the portal. Oddly enough, this time, a few hours had passed. Weird, since no time passed before when I was in that dimension.


	4. The Hand that Rocks the Mabel

**Chapter 4: The Hand that Rocks the Mabel**

Another two weeks, another adventure. As I went in through the portal, Dipper, Mabel, and Soos were watching "Tiger Fist".

 _"The tiger was badly injured in the explosion, but we repaired him… with a fist!"_

"Tiger's the hero!" Dipper exclaimed as Mabel and Soos expressed their excitement as well.

 _"Tiger Fist!… will return after these messages."_

The show cut to its commercial break, and the first commercial started off with a handful of doves being released and flying off, then cut to a picture of some mountains with a sunrise in the background. "Hey, look! It's that commercial I was telling you dudes about!" Soos said.

 _"Are you completely miserable?"_ A voice asked dramatically, then cut to a guy crying while sitting on a bed, just as dramatically saying _"Yes!"_

 _"Then you need to meet… Gideon."_ The voice said, showing a silhouette of a man with hands on his hips dramatically.

"Gideon?" Dipper asked.

"What makes him so special?" Mabel asked, puzzled.

As if answering her question, the voice continued on. _"He's a psychic."_

"A-roo?"

 _"So don't waste your time with other so-called 'men of mystery'."_ The voice continued, cutting to a video of Stan walking out of an outhouse trying to shake a piece of toilet paper off of his foot as the word 'fraud' was stamped on the screen. _"Learn about tomorrow tonight at Gideon's Tent of Telepathy!"_ The voice said, showing a star with an eye in the middle before zooming out to show the Tent of Telepathy, then it proceeded to list off its terms and conditions in a very fast manner; a rate that most likely would have had to be a recording sped up, and the words on screen scrolled too fast for anyone to read it without pausing it, reading the text on-screen, then un-pausing it for a split second and repeating this process.

"Wow! I'm gettin' all curious-y inside!" Mabel said.

"Well, don't get _too_ curious-y!" Stan said, walking into the room with a scowl. "Ever since that monster Gideon rolled into town I've had nothing but trouble!"

"Well, is he really psychic?" Mabel asked.

"I think we should go and find out." Dipper said.

"Never! You are forbidden from patronizing the competition! No one that lives under my roof is allowed under that Gideon's roof!" Stan said.

"Do tents have roofs?" Dipper asked.

"Not to mention I don't even live here." I said.

"I think we just found our loophole… literally!" Mabel said, holding up a piece of string tied into a loop knot. "Mwop-mwop!"

"Good one." I said.

 _"So come down soon, folks! Gideon is expecting you…."_ The voice in the commercial said ominously.

As we walked on down to the Tent of Telepathy that evening, we talked about all kinds of things. At one point, the conversation turned to me and how I seemed to know so much.

"How do you know so much, anyway, Nathan?" Mabel asked me.

"Yeah, like how you knew that Norman was a bunch of gnomes, and that you knew about the living wax figures." Dipper said.

"Yeah, dude. Are _you_ a psychic?" Soos asked.

"Heh, no, I'm not a psychic." I told them. "If you really want to know, though, I can show you later on."

"Yeah, okay." Dipper agreed.

We continued with the conversation, and after a few more minutes, we arrived at the Tent of Telepathy. Several other people were entering as well. "Step right up there, folks! Put your money in Gideon's Psychic Sack!" A man said, Bud Gleeful, holding a sack with the Tent of Telepathy's logo on it as people walked by, doing just that. When we got in, most of the seats were filled up, so we sat near the back.

"Whoa, this is like a bizarro version of the Mystery Shack." Dipper said, looking around. "They even have their own Soos." Dipper said, pointing to a man carrying a bunch of tools and wearing a nametag that read "Deuce". Soos glared at said handyman.

The lights began to go out as the show began. "It's starting. It's starting!" Mabel said excitedly.

"Let's see what this monster looks like." Dipper said, as a spotlight shone on the curtain as the silhouette of Gideon grew bigger and bigger as he drew closer to the curtain, though when the curtain was rolled away, it showed that Gideon was much smaller than the shadow on the curtain. He had on a small, light blue suit, and his hair was white and rose up about 5 inches above his head. With hair like that, you could hide a cat in there and nobody would even know as long as said cat stayed put and silent.

"Hello, America! My name is Lil' Gideon!" He said, clapping as a flock of doves flew out of his hair. The entire crowd went wild at this.

" _That's_ Stan's mortal enemy?" Dipper said incredulously.

"But he's so little!" Mabel said.

"Ladies and gentlemen it is such a gift to have you here tonight! Such a gift." Gideon said. "I have a vision. I predict you'll soon all say 'aw'." Gideon said, turning his back to the crowd, then turning back around facing the crowd with the cutest face he could muster. The majority of the crowd did, in fact, say "aw".

"It came true." Mabel said.

"Not entirely! The four of _us_ didn't say 'aw'!" I said.

"Hit it, dad!" Gideon called out to Bud, as he began playing on the piano. Gideon tossed his cape into the crowd, and one of them caught it, though several others ran over to try and fight for it.

 _"Oh, I can see what others can't see. It ain't some sideshow trick, it's innate ability. Where others are blind, I am futurely inclined. And you, too, could see, if you was 'widdle' ol' me."_ Gideon sang, dancing all the while. "Come on everybody, rise up! I want y'all to keep it goin'!" Gideon said, making everyone stand up. Nobody else seemed to think much of it, since they probably would've stood up anyway, though since Dipper had no intentions of standing—and neither did I—he was aptly confused.

"W-what?! How did he—?!" Dipper exclaimed in confusion.

"Keep it going! _You wish your son would call you more…_ " Gideon sang, pointing to an elderly woman still sitting down. _"I sense that you've been here before…"_ Gideon continued, pointing to Sheriff Blubs holding a ton of Lil' Gideon merchandise. _"I'll read your mind if I'm able…"_ Gideon sang, standing right in front of Mabel. _"Something tells me you're named Mabel."_ Gideon said, having seen Mabel's sweater with her name on it. _"So welcome all ye to thee Tent of Telepathy. And thanks for visiting 'widdle' ol' me!"_ Gideon finished, now thoroughly exhausted as the crowd cheered and applauded. "Thank you!" Gideon said, after taking a drink of water. "You people are the real miracles." Mabel applauded, though Dipper just looked on in confusion.

As we left, Dipper spoke his thoughts. "Man, that kid's an even bigger fraud than Stan. No wonder our uncle's jealous!" Dipper said.

"Oh come on, his dance moves were adorable!" Mabel said. "And did you see his hair? It was like whoosh!"

"You're too easily impressed." Dipper told her.

"Yeah, yeah." Dipper and Mabel began laughing as we left. I turned back and saw Gideon staring at us, though he ducked back behind the tarp at being found out.

The next morning, Mabel came in with sequins covering her entire face while holding some sort of gun that she probably used to do it. "Check it out, guys! I successfully bedazzled my face!" Mabel said. It proved to be difficult to blink, though, as she had difficulty doing so, and sequins came flying off as she did so. "Blink!… Ow."

"Is that… permanent?" Dipper asked with slight concern.

"I'm unappreciated in my time." Mabel said, before the doorbell rang again.

"Somebody answer the door!" Stan called.

"I'll get it." Mabel said, using her hands to remove all of the sequins off of her face.

Mabel ran over too the door, and opened it up to find Gideon there. "Howdy!" Gideon greeted.

"It's 'widdle' ol' you!" Mabel said.

"Heh heh, yeah, my song's quite catchy." Gideon said. "I know we haven't formally met, but after yesterday's performance, I just couldn't get your laugh out of my head!"

"You mean this one?" Mabel asked, before making a somewhat forced laugh.

"Oh, what a delight!" Gideon said. "When I saw you in the audience, I said to myself, 'now there's a kindred spirit; someone who appreciates the sparkly things in life'."

"That's totally me!" Mabel said, laughing, then coughing up a bunch of sequins she somehow managed to swallow, and even more bizarrely, they all managed to land perfectly on Gideon's collar, decorating it with the sequins.

"Enchanting. Utterly enchanting." Gideon muttered in awe.

"Who's at the door?!" Stan yelled.

"No one, Grunkle Stan!" Mabel called out to him.

"I appreciate your discretion. Stan's no fan of mine." Gideon said. "I don't know how a lemon so sour could be related to a peach so sweet."

"Gideon!"

"What do you say we step away from here and chat a bit more?" Gideon offered to Mabel. "Perhaps in my dressing room?"

"Oh! Makeovers! Woo!" Mabel cheered, poking Gideon in the stomach, though it apparently hurt him a little.

They left, and about an hour later, Mabel came back, with her "makeover". Mabel waved her hands in front of Dipper's face, getting his attention. "Hey, Dipper. What's going on?" Mabel said. Dipper slapped her hands away, and closed the journal he was reading.

"Whoa! What's going on with those fingernails? You look like a… wolverine." Dipper said.

"I know, right?" Mabel said, playfully roaring and clawing at the air. "I was hanging out with my new pal Gideon. He is one dapper little man."

"Mabel, I don't trust anyone whose hair is bigger than their head." Dipper said.

"Oh, leave him alone!" Mabel said. "You never wanna do girly stuff with me. You, Nathan and Soos get to do boy stuff all the time."

"What do you mean?" Dipper said. Before Mabel could answer, though, Soos came in holding a package of hot dogs.

"Hey, dude! You ready to blow up these hot dogs in the microwave one by one?!" Soos asked with a big grin.

"Am I?!" Dipper said.

"Sure. Why not?" I said. We went into the kitchen, and Soos placed the hot dogs in the microwave and we watched them explode, creating a mess of the inside of the microwave.

Later on, Gideon came by and he took Mabel with him, who came back later. After she got back, Dipper and Mabel were playing video games on thee TV and I was playing on my phone. While doing so, Mabel started talking to herself about her most recent situation. "It's not a date-date, it's just, y'know, I didn't want to hurt his feelings. And so I figured I'd throw him a bone."

"Mabel, guys don't work that way." Dipper said. "He's gonna fall in love with you."

"Pfft, yeah, right." Mabel scoffed. "I'm not _that_ lovable." An explosion sound came from the TV. "Kaboom! Yes!"

"Okay, we agree on something here." Dipper said, as I held back a laugh. Immediately after, the doorbell rang. Mabel went to open it again. When she did, a horse stuck its head in and neighed, startling Mabel enough that she fell back into a sitting position and backed away a few feet, screaming. On top of that horse, of course, was Gideon, dressed as usual with the addition of a cowboy hat that matched his suit.

"A night of enchantment awaits, milady." Gideon said.

"Oh boy…" Mabel said, already regretting her decision.

Not even an hour later, when me, Dipper, Soos and Wendy were all gathered around the counter doing our various things, Stan came in. "Hey, _hey!_ What the Jekyll is Mabel doing in the paper next to that greasy pickpocket Gideon?!" He said angrily.

"Oh yeah, it's, like, a big deal. Everybody's talking about Gideon and Mabel's big date tonight." Wendy said.

" _What?!_ That little shyster is dating my great niece?!" Stan yelled, even more angry now.

"I wonder what the new name will be for the power couple." Soos said. "Mab-ideon? Gide-abel? Ah! Ma-gid-bel-eon!"

"I didn't know! I didn't hear about it! And plus, I told her not to!" Dipper said, making a paradox statement (a statement that goes against itself).

"Yeah, well, it ends tonight. I'm going right down to that little skunk's house. This is gonna stop right now!" Stan said.

"Dude, wouldn't it be funny if that was a closet, and he had to come back out again and walk out the real door?" Soos said, walking over to the door and opening it. "Nope. Real door."

"That would be funny, though." I said.

A couple hours later, Mabel returned again.

"Hey! How'd it go?" Dipper asked, hopeful.

"I don't know… I have a lobster now." Mabel said, putting her new lobster into the fish tank.

"Well, at least it's over and you won't ever have to go out with him again." Dipper said. Mabel didn't acknowledge Dipper. "Mabel? It's _over_ , right? Mabel?"

"Blargh! He asked me out again and I didn't know how to say 'no'!" Mabel said, stressing.

"Like this: 'no'." Dipper said, pointing to his mouth as he said the word "no".

"It's not that easy, Dipper! And I do like Gideon—as a friend-slash-little sister. So I didn't want to hurt his feelings." Mabel said. "I just need to get things back the way they used to be. You know, friends." Mabel left again to meet up with Gideon, returning much later at night.

The next morning, I woke up to Mabel pacing about, talking fretfully to herself. "—he's so nice, but I can't keep doing this, but I can't break his heart! Ah, I have no way out!"

"What in the heck happened on that date?" Dipper asked, catching her attention.

"I don't know. I was in the friend zone. And then before I knew what was happening, he pulled me into the romance zone!" Mabel said. "It was like quicksand! Chubby quicksand."

"Mabel, come on. It's not like you're gonna have to marry Gideon." Dipper reassured her.

"Great news, Mabel!" Stan said, walking into the living room wearing a shirt that read "TEAM GIDEON". "You have to marry Gideon!"

" _WHAT?!_ "

"It's all part of my long-term deal with Buddy Gleeful!" Stan said. "There's a lot of cash tied up in this thing. Plus, I got this shirt!… Ugh, I am fat." This was enough to make Mabel run out of the room screaming in fear. "Bodies change, honey! Bodies change." Stan said, misunderstanding Mabel's screaming.

Dipper quickly followed after Mabel, and I followed after Dipper. Dipper opened the door to the attic, and found Mabel hiding in her sweater. "Oh no. Mabel?"

"Mabel's not here. She's in Sweater Town." Mabel said grimly.

"Are you gonna come _out_ of Sweater Town?" Dipper asked her. Mabel just shook her head. "Alright, enough is enough. If you can't break up with Gideon, then… we'll do it for you." Dipper told her.

"You _will_?" Mabel asked. Dipper nodded his head and I gave a thumbs-up. "Oh, thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you!" Mabel exclaimed happily.

Later that evening, Dipper and I walked into a fancy restaurant called "The Club", where it's logo was a club like you'd see on a deck of cards, while Mabel waited outside. We walked over to where Gideon was sitting, reading a menu, and Dipper cleared his throat, catching Gideon's attention, as he set his menu down.

"Oh, Dipper Pines and Nathan, how are you?" Gideon asked us. "You look good, you look good."

"Thanks. You, uh…. Look, Gideon, we've gotta talk." Dipper said.

"Yeah. Mabel won't be coming tonight." I said.

"Yeah. She, uh… she doesn't want to see you anymore. She's kind of weirded out by you; no offense." Dipper said.

"So what you're saying is… you've… come between us." Gideon said, his mouth and eye twitching.

"No, it's actually that she wanted to break up with you but she didn't know how to do it, so we're doing it for her." I said.

'Yeah, and, uh… you're not gonna freak out or anything, are you?" Dipper said, noticing Gideon's scowl.

As soon as this was said, Gideon put back on his friendly façade. "Of course not! These things happen. Bygones, y'know." Gideon said.

"So, okay, cool. Well, then again, sorry man, but, uh, hey, thumbs-up, huh?" Dipper said, as we headed for the exit.

When we got back outside, Mabel threw a bunch of questions at us. "How'd it go? Was he mad? Did he try to read your minds with his psychic powers?" Mabel asked.

"Don't worry, Mabel. He's just a kid. He doesn't have any powers." Dipper reassured her.

"Yeah, I guess you're right." Mabel said as we left and headed back for the shack again.

The next morning, after Dipper and Mabel charged into Soos who had stuffed a pillow under his shirt, Mabel began thinking out loud. "I'm so glad everything's back to normal!" This didn't exactly last long as the phone started ringing.

"Your turn." Dipper and Mabel said, though Dipper was just a split second later than Mabel. "Aw, man." Dipper headed inside and picked up the phone. "Hello?… Oh, hey man. Sorry for accusing you of murder last week.… Oh, finally! I thought nobody would ever ask! I have notes and theories!… Uh-huh.… Uh-huh.… 4-1-2 Gopher Road.… Uh, tonight?… And bring Nathan with me?… Got it." Dipper hung up the phone.

Later that night, Dipper and I headed down to the address written down in Dipper's notebook. Dipper opened the door, and we walked into what appeared to be an abandoned warehouse. Except it wasn't abandoned. "Hello?" Dipper called out, his call echoing throughout the building. When it seemed that no one was here, Dipper turned around to leave, only for the door to slam shut in front of him. Dipper ran and pounded on the door a couple of times, before the overhead lights turned on. And in a chair at the far end of the building was Gideon, of course.

"Hello, friends." Gideon said sarcastically.

"Gideon." Dipper said, fairly annoyed.

"Dipper Pines. How long have you been living in this town? A week? Two?" Gideon said to him. "And you, Nathan, you don't seem to even live here, yet you visit rather often. Anyway, you like it here? Enjoy the scenery?"

"What do you want from me, man?" Dipper asked, still annoyed.

"Listen carefully, you two. This town has secrets you couldn't begin to comprehend." Gideon told us.

"Is this about Mabel? We _told_ you, she's not into you." Dipper said.

"Liar! _You_ turned her against me!" Gideon said, outraged, walking towards us, grabbing onto his tie, which started glowing, because it wasn't a tie at all. "She was my peach dumpling!"

"Are you okay, man?" Dipper asked, before me and him were lifted up into the air for a brief second before being thrown back into the boxes.

"Reading minds isn't all I can do!" Gideon said threateningly.

"But-but you're a fake."

"Oh, tell me Dipper. Is this fake?" Gideon asked, using his "tie" to levitate up a bunch of Lil' Gideon merchandise, before throwing it all down at us. Me and Dipper ran for our lives, avoiding all of the projectiles by mere inches. After a short while, when Dipper ducked out of the way of a falling shelf just in time, Gideon finally paused for a moment. I used this much needed time to catch my breath.

"Grunkle Stan was right about you! You are a monster!" Dipper said.

"Yeah! You're not a psychic! You're a psych _o_!" I said.

"Mabel will be mine!" Gideon said, laughing. When Gideon was distracted talking to a doll version of himself, Dipper grabbed a bat and charged Gideon, though he saw Dipper coming and used his powers to levitate Dipper up in the air again.

"She's never gonna date you, man!" Dipper told Gideon.

"That's a lie!" Gideon yelled. Gideon then grabbed me with his levitating powers, an pulled me next to Dipper. "And I'm gonna make sure you _never_ lie to me again, _friends_." Gideon said, using his powers to make a pair of large "lamb shears" come towards us, opening up, ready to cut us in half. That is, until Mabel came in the nick of time.

"Gideon, we have to talk." Mabel said.

"M-Mabel! My marshmallow! What are you doing here?" Gideon said, dropping the shears.

"I'm sorry, Gideon, but I can't be your marshmallow. I needed to be honest and tell you that myself." Mabel said.

"I… I don't understand." Gideon said, tightening his grip on his tie, choking me and Dipper.

"Uh, Mabel? This probably isn't the best time to be brutally honest with him." Dipper strained.

"I can… barely… breathe…" I muttered.

"Hey, but we can still be makeover buddies, right?" Mabel said, walking up to him. "Wouldn't you like that?"

"Really?" Gideon said, hope clear in his voice.

"No! Not really!" Mabel said, her anger showing at last as she took Gideon's medallion off of his neck. causing me and Dipper to fall to the ground. "You were like attacking my brother and my friend! What the heck?!"

"My tie! Give it back!" Gideon said, reaching for the tie, though Mabel threw it over to Dipper and he caught it.

"Ha! Not so powerful without _this_ , are you?" Dipper taunted, though Gideon charged Dipper, knocking him back into me, and sending the three of us falling out of the window and falling to certain doom. Dipper and Gideon exchanged a round of slaps until they noticed the ground approaching, when all three of us began screaming. I knew Mabel would save us, but even knowing that, it was still scary. Right before we hit the ground, the three of us were surrounded by the glow of Gideon's tie, which had been knocked out of Dipper's hand when we were sent falling out the window. Mabel floated herself down to us, holding Gideon's tie, and floated herself to right in front of Gideon.

"Listen, Gideon. It's over. I will never ever date you." Mabel said, releasing the three of us from the tie's hold, before throwing the tie onto a rock as it shattered to pieces.

"My powers!" Gideon cried, getting up. "Oh, this isn't over. This isn't the last you'll see of 'widdle' ol' me." Gideon threatened, backing into the forest.

We headed back to the shack and relaxed for a bit when Stan came in, hanging up his stolen crying clown painting.

"I could've had it all." Stan muttered, then turned to us. "What the heck happened to you three?"

"Gideon."

"Gideon."

"The midget, Gideon."

"Gideon." Stan said. "Yeah, the little mutant swore vengeance on the whole family and your friend Nathan. I guess he's gonna try to nibble my ankles or something!" Stan joked.

"Oh yeah." Dipper said. "Yeah, how's he gonna destroy us _now_ , huh? Try to guess what number we're thinking of? Ha ha!"

"Know what number I'm thinking of?" I said. "32,768! Let's see him get _that_ number!"

"He'll _never_ guess what number I'm thinking of!" Mabel said. "-8! No one would guess a negative number!" After this, we all shared a good laugh, and then I decided it was time for me to head back. Before I left though, Dipper caught my attention.

"Hey, Nathan. Could you maybe, I don't know… show me and Mabel just how you know so much in the first place?" Dipper asked me, Mabel coming up right behind him.

"Sure." I said. "Just promise you won't freak out, okay?"

"Um… okay?" Dipper said, slightly skeptical. Which is understandable.

"Alright, then. Follow me." I said, heading into the attic as Dipper and Mabel followed. When we got to the attic, I stopped, and pulled out my portal remote. "You already know that I'm not even from here, right?" I asked them, to which they nodded their heads. "Well, not only am I not from Gravity Falls, I'm actually not even from this dimension. I found this remote that opens up a portal between our dimensions, which I'm fairly sure are parallel dimensions." I explained. I pressed the button on the remote, and Dipper and Mabel's eyes widened as the portal materialized in front of them. "Follow me." I said, stepping through the portal and into my room at my own house. Dipper and Mabel followed.

The first thing that Dipper spotted was Journal #3 sitting on top of my desk. "Wh-wh-what?! When did you—?!" Dipper said in shock, before realizing he still had the Journal in his vest. The next thing he noticed was my computer sitting open on the site with our wax adventure on screen. "Fan Fiction?" Dipper asked.

"I'll explain that in a little bit." I told him. "But first, you need to see this." I grabbed my iPad that was sitting on my bed, and navigated to Amazon Prime Video, pulling up Gravity Falls, and pressing "Play" on episode 1, Tourist Trapped, and motioned for Dipper and Mabel to come and see.

 _"Ah, summer break."_ The episode began. "Wait, is that _my_ voice?!" _"A time for leisure, recreation, and taking 'er easy.… Unless you're me._ _"_

On screen, Dipper and Mabel crashed through the billboard riding on the golf cart, screaming. I paused the episode there, and turned to the shocked faces of Dipper and Mabel.

"You see, in my dimension, Gravity Falls is a TV show that follows the two of you along your summer in Gravity Falls. At first, I thought it was just a work of fiction, but when I found that remote, I realized it was anything but. While there's no doubt that the timeline between the two dimensions is impossible to understand, why the show was made is up for debate. I think it's a glimpse into your dimension, while my brother, Zach, thinks it's a cover-up of some kind. Your entire summer has already been documented in this fashion, and I have seen the entire thing, hence my knowledge on your summer." I explained.

"As for that fan fiction thing, I knew nobody would believe me if I told them that this actually happened, so I figured, 'hey, this might actually make out to be an interesting story'. So I typed our adventures down onto my computer, titled the story as 'From Our Dimension', and published it on the site." I said. "Also, the way time flows is crazy. You see, every two weeks in _my_ dimension, I'd come to your dimension, and go on an adventure with the two of you. But in _your_ dimension, only a couple of days would pass between each of my visits. And when I'd get back, no time would have passed at all. Yet for some reason, on our last adventure, three hours passed between when I left and when I got back. I'd always leave at 2:00, and except for the last time, I'd get back at 2:00. Look, my alarm clock even has 2:01 on it right now!" I said, gesturing to my alarm clock, which did, indeed, have the time as 2:01. "And every time I'd get back, I would spend the next 4 hours typing up our adventure, and then publish it."

"Well, this is certainly a lot to take in." Dipper said.

"At least we know how he knows so much now though, right?" Mabel said.

"Yep." I said. "Also, while _your_ summer still has a long ways to go before it's finished, mine is almost over. The date here in my dimension is August 19, and I start school again on the 21st. So… yeah." I said. "Oh, and also, that Journal you saw, Dipper, was made by the 'creators' of the show. Or should I say, filmers? Anyway, you asked me how I know so much, and now I've told you." I finished. "So… would you like me to open the portal back up so you can go home?" I asked, to which they silently nodded. I pressed the button on my portal remote, and Dipper and Mabel walked back through the portal without another word, then I pressed the button again and the portal closed. "Anyway, I should get to typing up my latest adventure so I can publish it." I said to myself. "Don't want to keep the internet waiting!" And with that, I sat down and began typing on my computer.


	5. The Inconveniencing

**Chapter 5: The Inconveniencing**

Now, of course, I wasn't exactly enthusiastic about going back to school. And of course, it's only going to get harder and harder as time goes on. Although, I was excited that my mom finally decided to let me start driver's ed, and getting to view a solar eclipse on the first day of school was pretty cool, even though it was only 93% coverage where I lived. Well, I was needing a bit of a break, and what better way than to pay a visit to Gravity Falls? So I grabbed my portal remote, and walked into the Gravity Falls dimension for the fifth time so far. When I walked in, Mabel was spinning around on top of the globe (how she balanced and how it held her weight I'll never know) while Dipper was reading the Journal.

"Mabel, do you believe in ghosts?" Dipper asked thoughtfully.

"I believe you're a big dork! Ha ha ha!" Mabel teased. Slightly annoyed, Dipper put the tip of his pencil on the globe which, somehow, was enough to make the globe stop spinning completely, making Mabel fall off of it.

Stan came in immediately after, poking his head in through the door. "Soos! Wendy!"

Soos ran up, panting, while Wendy just stayed where she was at, which was fairly close to where Soos stopped at. "What's up, Mr. Pines?" Soos asked.

"I'm heading out." Stan said. "You two are gonna wash the bathrooms, right?"

"Yes, sir!" Soos said, saluting.

"Absolutely not." Wendy said, also saluting for some reason.

"Ha ha!" Stan chuckled, before turning serious again. "You two stay out of trouble." And with that, Stan closed the door and left. As soon as he left, Wendy walked over to a patched-up curtain.

"Hey, guys! What's this? A secret ladder to the roof?" Wendy said, pulling back the curtain.

"Uh, I don't think Mr. Pines would like that." Soos said.

"Eh?" Wendy said, reaching for the ladder.

"Uhh…"

"Eh?" Wendy teased, reaching for the ladder again.

"You're freaking me out, dude!" Soos said.

"Can we actually go up there?" Dipper asked enthusiastically.

"Sure we can! Roof time! Roof time!"

"Roof time! Roof time!" Dipper, Mabel and I chanted, climbing up the ladder and over the roof to Wendy's roof spot.

"Alright, check it out!" Wendy said, gesturing to the area on the roof she had set up, with an ice chest, a lounge chair, an umbrella, and a bucket of pine cones.

"Whoa, cool!" Dipper exclaimed. "Did _you_ put all this stuff up here?" Dipper asked, amazed.

"I may, or may not, sneak up here during work, all the time, every day." Wendy said, picking up a pinecone and throwing it at a pole with a target taped on, hitting the target dead center. Dipper and Mabel each also tried, but they all missed, one of Dipper's pinecones bouncing off of a car, setting the car alarm off. At first, Dipper cringes. "Jackpot! High five!" Wendy exclaimed, holding up her hand. "Don't leave me hangin'." After a moment's hesitation, Dipper high-five's Wendy. Of course, right after, an old van pulls up. "Oh hey, it's my friends!" Wendy says. "Uh, you guys aren't gonna tell Stan about this, are you?" Wendy asks.

Dipper uses his hand to motion zipping up his mouth then throwing away the key, which Wendy repeats. "Later, dorks." Wendy says, using two pine trees to slide down off the roof and hop into the van as the van rove away.

"Later, Wendy!" Dipper yells, then laughs awkwardly. "Ah, good times."

"Uh oh…" Mabel said playfully.

"What?" Dipper asked.

"Somebody's in _lo-_ ove!" Mabel teased, poking Dipper in the cheek.

"Yeah, right." Dipper scoffed. "I just think Wendy's cool, okay? It's not like I lay awake at night thinking about her." Dipper said.

Later on, when Wendy returned, Mabel decided to have a "random dance party for no reason". Wendy and Mabel were dancing to the music on the radio, while Dipper just awkwardly stared at them, then looked to the clipboard he was holding and wrote down "I am pretending to write something down", then nodded at it with a fake thoughtful expression.

"Dipper." Wendy called out to him, startling him enough that he tossed the clipboard into the air before catching it and frantically hiding it behind his back. "Aren't you gonna get in on this?" Wendy asked him.

"I, uh, don't really dance." Dipper said.

"Yeah, you do." Mabel said, before turning her attention to Wendy. "Mom used to dress him up in a lamb costume and make him do… the lamby dance."

"Now is not the time to talk about the lamby dance." Dipper said quickly with a scowl on his face. However, unfortunately for him, Wendy's interest had peaked at this information.

"Lamb costume? Whoa! Is there, like, little ears and a tail, or…?" Wendy asked.

"Well, uh…"

"Dipper would prance around and sing a song about grazing." Mabel continued, to Dipper's annoyance as he mouthed to Mabel to stop talking. Right then, the clock struck 6:00.

"Hey, look at that. Quitting time." Wendy said, taking off her nametag. "The gang's waiting for me."

"Hey, wait, uh, maybe I could—or, _we_ could come with you." Dipper said.

"Ooh, I don't know. My friends are pretty intense." Wendy said. _I'll bet'cha my brother's even more intense._ "How old did you guys say you are?" Wendy asked us.

"I'm 16." I said.

"We're 13. So, technically a teen." Dipper said quickly.

"Alright. I like your moxie, kid. Let me get my stuff." Wendy said, leaving.

"Since when are we 13? Is this a leap year?" Mabel asked. _Heh, that's not how leap years work._

Come on, Mabel. This is our chance to hang out with, you know, the cool kids.… And Wendy, and whatever." Dipper said.

"I _knew_ it!" Mabel exclaimed. "You _love_ her! Love, love, love love love!"

"Oh, hey, what's that?" Dipper said, pointing behind Mabel. When she took the bait, Dipper used the opportunity to flip Mabel's long hair over her head and cover up her face, as she tried to spit the hair out of her mouth. Later, when we met up with Wendy's friends, they were throwing gumballs trying to get them into Thompson's belly.

"Wendy!" They called out upon seeing her.

"Hey, guys. These are my pals from work, Mabel, Dipper, and Nathan." Wendy said.

"I chewed my gum so it looks like a brain." Mabel said, before sticking out her tongue which had a chewed-up piece of gum on it.

"She's not much for first impressions. Unlike _this_ guy!" Dipper said, pointing to himself. "This guy…." Dipper repeated, much more awkwardly since nobody responded.

"So, are, you, like, babysitting, or…?" Robbie said.

"Come on, Robbie." Wendy scoffed. "Guys, this is Lee and Nate—hope it won't get too confusing—Tambry, Thompson, who once ate a run-over waffle for 50, and Robbie. You can probably figure him out."

"Yeah, I'm the guy who spray-painted the water tower." Robbie said.

"Oh, you—"

"You mean the big muffin?" I said, purposely interrupting Dipper.

"Um, it's a giant explosion." Robbie said, annoyed, as we all looked to the spray-painted water tower which had spray paint on it in what did appear to be an explosion-muffin.

"Heh heh! Kind of does look like a muffin." Lee said, as him and Nate began laughing.

Robbie glared daggers at me, though it was moderately less intense than it would have been had it been Dipper, since being 5'6" can pose a slight advantage. Leaning down next to Dipper, I whispered in his ear; "That's why I interrupted you." I told him, to which he gave me an understanding look.

"Let's hurry it up, guys. I got big plans for tonight, huh?" Wendy said, as we all got into the old van. I had to squeeze in with Dipper and Mabel in the back.

"Okay, just, before we go, my mom said you guys aren't allowed to punch the roof anymore, so…." Thompson said. Of course, everyone else except me, Dipper, and Mabel did the exact opposite; punching the roof while chanting "Thompson!" repeatedly.

At one point in the ride, Dipper began chewing on the end of a red marker, when Mabel took it from his mouth, crossed out the words "You stink!" that were written on one area, and wrote "You look nice today!" under it. "Ha ha, this is gonna blow someone's mind!" Mabel said.

"Mabel, please." Dipper said.

"What? Am I embarrassing you in front of your new GIRLFRIE—" Before Mabel could finish, Dipper slapped a hand over her mouth, covering it, before jerking it away in disgust seconds later.

"Ugh! Did you just lick my hand?!" Dipper asked in disgust.

It wasn't long before we arrived at an old closed down convenience store called "Dusk 2 Dawn", although it was well past sunset. "There it is, fellas." Wendy said as we all peered through the fence. "The condemned Dusk 2 Dawn."

"Why did they shut it down?" Dipper asked. "It's like, a health code violation, or…?"

"Try murder." Nate said.

"Some folks died in there; the place has been haunted ever since." Lee added.

"This town has such a colorful history!" Mabel said. _Yeah, but most of those colors are bad ones._

"What? Are-are you guys… serious?" Dipper asked.

"Yeah! We're all gonna die!" Wendy said in a tone of sarcastic fear, then reverting back to her normal voice. "Chill out, man. It's not as bad as it looks." _It's worse._ Dipper looked up and saw a sign that read "No trespassing. Violators will be prosecuted.", though someone had written "Dead!" over the word "prosecuted". We all climbed over the fence where the barbed wire was cut, though Dipper seemed reluctant.

"Come on, Dipper." Wendy called out to him.

"Okay. Just-just, uh, gotta get a foothold." Dipper said, making up an excuse.

"Dude, your _sister_ did it." Robbie said, gesturing to Mabel running circles on the ground sideways.

When Lee climbed up, he decided to "help" Dipper off. "Hey. You know what, just… there you go." He said, picking Dipper up then dropping him in. "Sorry, dude."

"Good job throwing the kid off the fence, genius." Robbie said.

"Your _mom's_ a genius."

We walked over to the door, and Robbie tried to open it, but couldn't "I think it's—it's stuck."

"Let me take a crack at it." Dipper said.

"Oh, yeah. I can't get in, but I'm sure junior here is gonna break it down like Hercules." Robbie said sarcastically.

"Come on. Leave him alone." Wendy said. "He's just a little kid." _12 is hardly 'little'._

Dipper frowned for a moment, before putting on a face of determination as he went over to the dumpster and used it to climb onto the roof, then punched the grate and crawled in. "Hey, Dipper! Take it easy!" Wendy called up to him.

"Who wants to bet he doesn't make it?" Robbie asked, before not even a second later, Dipper walked up to the door and opened it from the inside. As everyone went in, many of them were commenting positive remarks about Dipper. As Wendy went in, she playfully punched his shoulder and commented; "Nice work.", which earned an excited smile from Dipper before he headed inside after the rest of us.

"Do you guys really think it's haunted?" Thompson asked.

"Nah. Thompson, are you kidding me?" Robbie said.

"Whoa. It's even creepier than I imagined." Wendy said, before she walked over to the lights. "Hey, guys! Check it out! You think these still work?" Wendy said. She flipped the light switch, and sure enough, the lights turned on and the machinery whirred,to life.

"So, what are we going to do now? Dipper asked.

"Anything we want." Wendy said.

We all started with a food fight, then popped some mints in a bottle of soda and watched it explode like a volcano, then Mabel found the Smile Dip. Later, Wendy, Dipper and I were all sitting on top of a shelf eating a popsicle, which was surprisingly still OK after the unknown amount of time they spent in the freezer.

"Dipper. This night is, like, legendary." Wendy said.

"Really?"

"Just look around." Wendy said. "The guys are bonding…" She said, gesturing to Nate and Robbie pouring ice into Thompson's pants, "I've never even seen Tambry look up from her phone this long…" Tambry was on her phone, looked up for half a second, then went right back to her phone, "and your sister seems to be going nuts for that Smile Dip." Mabel was laying against the Smile Dip, holding her full stomach as she hallucinated and they stared at her in slight worry and confusion. "You know Dipper, I wasn't sure if you could hang with our crew at first. But you're surprisingly mature for your age."

"Yes. Yes I am." Dipper said, trying but failing to put his slowly melting popsicle into his mouth without looking; instead making contact with the side of his face.

"Hey, guys! We need more ice!" One of the guys called out.

"I'm on it." Dipper said, jumping down from the shelf and walking over to the freezer. He opened up the freezer door and grabbed the ice, though when he looked up, he saw this weird brain creature with thin… veins, I think, coming out of it, and was startled enough to toss the bag up as he shrieked. I have to admit it did look kinda creepy. Though all in an instant, it was gone. The others heard Dipper and came to see what was going on.

"What was that? Thought I heard some lady screaming back here." Lee said as everyone came up.

"You freakin' out, kid?" Nate asked.

"Uh, no. No, I'm cool. Everything's cool." Dipper said.

"Then what's all this about?" Robbie asked, pointing to the bag of spilled ice on the floor.

"Oh! That's uh, um, uh…" Dipper said, trying to come up with an excuse. He thought up a distraction instead, though. "Hey, look! Dancy Pants Revolution. The game that tricks people into exercising."

The others all took the bait and ran over to the machine, with Dipper and I following shortly after, as Thompson tried the game.

"Wow! He's really terrible at this." Wendy said, playfully elbowing Dipper.

"Heh heh, yeah, yeah, that's—that's great." Though when Dipper looked at the glass, he saw the reflections of all of us—as skeletons. When he rubbed his eyes though, he didn't see it anymore. I had seen it appear and disappear in mere seconds. "I'll be right back." Dipper said, hurrying off to call Stan. "Come on, Grunkle Stan, pick up! Ugh! What is he doing?!" Dipper said. After a little while of Stan not picking up, Dipper decided to try to go to Mabel for help. "Mabel! I need your advice. We're hanging out in a haunted convenience store, I can't get ahold of Grunkle Stan, and if I try to say anything about it to any of these guys, they'll just think I'm a scared little kid or something!" Dipper said. When he noticed Mabel wasn't paying attention to anything, not even reality, he ran over to her to try to shake her out of her trance. "Mabel! How many of these did you eat?!" Dipper asked.

"Beleven…teen…" Mabel muttered.

"Oh man. Oh man, oh man, oh man!" Dipper said.

"Whoa, guys. You might wanna see this." Robbie said suddenly. Everyone came over, and we saw the outlines of two bodies drawn on the floor in what appeared to be chalk, though I was pretty sure it wasn't.

"Whoa. Then the rumors _are_ true." Lee said.

"Dude; dare you to lie down in it." Robbie challenged Lee.

"Good idea. Go lie down in it." Lee said, passing the challenge off to Nate.

Right before Nate could step foot in the outlines, Dipper stopped him. "Wait! Maybe let's _not_ do that." Dipper said.

"This guy's scared." Lee said.

"All I'm saying is, why tempt the fates? I mean, what if this place really is… haunted?" Dipper said, hesitant to say the last word.

"Just take it down a notch, Captain Buzzkill." Robbie said.

"But I thought I was Dr. Funtimes." Dipper said.

"Well you're _acting_ like Captain Buzzkill, right?" Robbie said, looking to the rest of us for confirmation; which everyone agreed, even Wendy, to Dipper's disappointment.

"Status update: trapped inside store with insane 9-year-old." Tambry said, typing on her phone.

"I'm not a 9-year-old! I'm 13! Technically a teen!" Dipper said, deciding to throw caution to the wind and laying down in the outline himself. As soon as he did, a light began rapidly tracing the outline, and when it finished, the outline glowed and the power went out, then Tambry disappeared into thin air. Dipper walked over to the dropped phone and picked it up. "'Status update: aaaahhhhhhh!'" He read, before the security monitor made a static sound and Tambry appeared in the security monitor screen, yelling and pounding on the glass, and everyone else began screaming as well.

"Tambry! Tambry!" Wendy exclaimed in a rare state of panic.

"Can you hear us?!" Dipper asked, but receiving no response.

"What are we supposed to do?" Nate asked Lee in a panic.

"I don't know, man. I don't know!" He said.

"Let's just go already!" Robbie said, panicking as well.

"Thompson!" Wendy called out to him, as he was still playing Dancy Pants Revolution.

"Wait!" He said, panting. "I've almost got the high score!" He said. As soon as he finished, he began glowing as well, before disappearing then reappearing in the game. "Huh? What?" He said, confused.

 _"Time to shake what your momma gave you!"_ The game exclaimed, before arrows started raining down on him.

"Oh no! Help! So many arrows!"

 _"You're a dance machine!"_

"No! You're a dance machine!"

"Oh no!" Dipper panicked.

"Thompson!" Wendy exclaimed.

"Forget him! Let's go!" Robbie yelled, pointing to the open doors, which then closed themselves.

"What the—? Guys, it's locked!" Wendy said, after having failed to open the doors.

"Outta my way!" Robbie yelled, throwing the cash register at the door, but it vanished before it could make contact, making a green glow envelop the area for a bit.

"Everybody, wait." Dipper said. "Whatever's doing this has to have some kind of reason. Maybe if we could just figure out what it is, then they'll let us out of here!"

"'They'll let us out of here!' Yeah, that makes a lot of sense!" Robbie said.

"I don't know, guys. Maybe he's got a point." Wendy said.

"Yeah, right. I'm sure the ghost just wants to talk about his feelings!" Lee exclaimed sarcastically, before disappearing and reappearing on the front of a cereal box. "Wh-what?" He said, confused.

"I'm bonkers for eating you alive!" The bird on the box said.

"Lee!" Nate said. "Okay, okay. I'm with you, kid. 100%, man." After he said this, the ghost showed up, possessing Mabel.

"Welcome." The ghost said, causing everyone to scream.

"They got Mabel!" Dipper said.

"Welcome to your graves, young trespassers!" The ghost said, breaking out into laughter.

"W-we're super sorry for hanging out in your store." Wendy said.

"Yeah. Can we just go now and leave forever?" Dipper said.

"Well, okay. You're free to go." The ghost said, opening the doors. "But before you leave, hot dogs are now half off. I know it might be crazy, but you gotta try these dogs!"

"I'd take you up on that offer if I had any money." I said.

Nate and Robbie just ignored it and ran for the doors, but they slammed shut on their faces before they could leave. "Just kidding about the hot dog sale!" The ghost exclaimed hotly.

"Just let us outta here already!" Nate told the ghost, with Robbie holding him back from running at the ghost.

"I don't like your tone!" The ghost said, making Nate disappear and reappear as a hot dog on the hot dog rollers.

"What? No! I'm a hot dog!" He yelled.

"It begins!" The ghost said, reversing gravity, causing everything and everyone left to "fall" to the ceiling. "Welcome to your home for all eternity!" The ghost said, now "upside-down".

"Dipper, what do we do?" Wendy asked.

"Duck!" Dipper said, grabbing me and Wendy and pulling us "down" out of the way of a floating slushy machine that would've hit us.

"Quick! In there!" Wendy said, pointing to the soda machine with one of its doors open. We all got up and ran inside of it, and I closed the door behind us, as we all caught our breath. With three of us in there now, it was a little bit crowded, but not uncomfortably so. "What do they want from us?!" Wendy said.

"Revenge, I guess?" Dipper said, not really sure anymore.

"What did we do wrong?" Wendy asked.

"Wait! Hang on a sec." I said. "Every person was taken for a specific reason. Tambry was texting, Thompson was playing a video game, Lee was being sarcastic, and Nate was talking back to the ghost. Those are normal teenage things. The ghost hates teenagers." I said.

"Of course!" Dipper exclaimed with newfound realization. "Stay here until I get back."

"Hold on." I said, stopping Dipper. "I want to try something first."

"But-but you're a teenager too!" Dipper said. "You'll get taken!"

"I'm going to try negotiating with it like I'm at a business meeting or something." I said, opening the door and crawling out, crawling under all the swirling debris towards the ghost, who had its back turned towards us.

"Dude, what are you doing?!" Wendy exclaimed.

"I'm just going to try something really quick!" I said, approaching the ghost who was surrounded by a swirling tornado of debris. I stood "up", and addressed the ghost. "Hey, Mr. Ghost!" I said, catching its attention. The ghost turned its head around 180º, then the rest of its body followed, and the ghost caught me in a green glow, levitating me a little bit. "I was wondering if we could talk this out like men! I may be a teenager, but I know how to be a mature adult, so let's talk this out." I said. This caught the ghost off guard enough that all the debris "fell" to the ceiling, and the ghost, or ghosts, rather, showed themselves, being an old, elderly couple.

"Well, why didn't you say so?" The male said, named "Pa" according to his name tag, dropping Mabel, whom he was just holding her by the hair, oddly enough not hurting her, as she just looked at him in confusion before he dropped her.

"When we were alive, teenagers were a scourge on our store." The female said, named "Ma" according to her name tag.

"Always sassafrassin customers with their boomie-boxes and disrespectful short pants, so we decided to up and ban them, but they retaliated with this newfangled rap music." Pa said.

"The lyrics, they were so… hateful! It was so shocking we were stricken down with double heart attacks." Ma said, finishing the short story. "That's why we hate teenagers so much! Don't we honey?" Ma said, rubbing noses with Pa.

"They're my friends, though. What can I do to help them?" I asked.

"There is one thing." Pa said. "Do you know any funny little dances?"

"Well, I don't know any dances, but would a song work instead?" I said.

"Well… fine, I suppose." Pa said reluctantly. "But if you do ANY rap, you'll regret it!" Pa threatened.

"Okay. Well, I don't know all of the lyrics so I'll have to pull out my phone so I can sing it." I said.

"Well, go on, then."

"Okay." I said, pulling out my phone, and went to the song that I had in mind, "My Home", which was a Gravity Falls song by MandoPony. (I don't even know how I had any cellular service; since I was in a different dimension entirely, but I just figured it was because of either the ghosts, or just Gravity Falls' weirdness in general.) When I finally got to the song, I pressed play, and began singing to the words which appeared on-screen.

 _"Summer's almost gone and I don't feel any closer to unraveling all these mysteries. I can't pull back the veil. I find a clue but it leads to 100 more on a never ending trail.  
Books and runes and dreams. Oh, nothing's as it seems. So much to see, so much to find. Common sense comes crashing down when you set foot in this town. Try not to lose your mind.  
Welcome to my home, where nothing is normal and I wouldn't have it any other way. Welcome to my home, where gravity is the only thing that keeps me from floating away._

 _Now I finally met the man who lit the spark inside. He drove me to uncover all of the truth. I'm learning to get by. I've been told nothing but lies. Am I alone in seeking out all the proof?_  
 _Who can I believe? Oh, what have I achieved? There's ancient power here that can't be confined. But I'm still growing; undergoing changes; time is ever flowing by. I try not to lose my mind._  
 _Welcome to my home, where nothing is normal and I wouldn't have it any other way. Welcome to my home, where gravity is the only thing that keeps me from floating away._

…

 _Welcome to my home, where nothing is normal and I would not have it any other way. Welcome to my home, where gravity is the only thing that keeps me from floating away."_

When the song was finished, I put my phone back in my pocket, and Ma and Pa seemed pleased with the song. "That was some fine girly singing, boy! Your friends are free." Pa said. The doors opened, the ghosts disappeared, gravity returned to normal, and everyone who had vanished reappeared. Mabel sat up from her spot by the overturned Smile Dip, holding her stomach and groaning.

"Ugh… I'm never gonna eat or do anything ever again." Mabel muttered, as Dipper walked over to her, picking up one of the opened discarded packages of Smile Dip.

"Hey, there's still some left." Dipper said.

"EVIL!" Mabel said, slapping the package out of Dipper's hand, much to his surprise.

"What—what happened after everything went crazy?" Lee asked.

"You are not going to believe it!" Wendy started. "The ghosts appeared, and Nathan had to—"

" _Dipper_ grabbed a bat and began beating the ghosts left and right." I said, interrupting Wendy, winking at her. She understood.

"And then the ghosts got all scared and ran away like a couple of little girls." Wendy said. "It was _insane_."

"No way!" Thompson said.

"Dr. Funtimes!" Lee said. Wendy and I turned to Dipper and did the motion where we zipped our lips and threw away the key, and Dipper repeated the gesture with gratitude.

We headed back outside and got in the van, after which some of the teens began sleeping. Wendy, Dipper and I hung outside of the van for a bit first, though. "Well, I'm probably scarred for life." Wendy said casually.

"Yeah, that was pretty crazy." Dipper said.

"Think I'm gonna go stare at a wall for a while and rethink everything." Wendy said, turning very serious on the last two words, though still speaking in the same tone of voice. "Hey, next time we hang out, let's stay at the Mystery Shack, okay?"

"Ha ha! Next time? Yeah! Yeah, le-let's, let's hang out at the shack! Ha ha, yeah! Next time!" Dipper said, getting in, before me and Wendy got in as well, and the van drove off.

"Ohh…" Mabel moaned, then looked at her writing she drew on the van earlier. "What kind of sick joke is this?" The rest of the drive was uneventful.

When we got back to the shack, Dipper, Mabel and I got out, and began walking towards the door when suddenly the TV crashed through the window landing on the ground, and Stan poked his head out and looked at us. "Uhh… couldn't find the remote." He said. Dipper and Mabel looked at each other in confusion as I struggled to hold back a laugh. Afterwards, Dipper and Mabel headed inside, and I simply took out my portal remote and headed back into my dimension, ending my adventure.


	6. Dipper vs Manliness

**Chapter 6: Dipper vs. Manliness**

I couldn't be happier right now. In just a few hours, I'm going to my school's homecoming dance. But that's not what I'm excited about. What I'm excited about is that I asked Autumn, my crush, to go to homecoming with me, _and she said yes!_ I was absolutely ecstatic. However, I had also remembered I should visit Gravity Falls, since school prevented me from doing so last week. So I grabbed my portal remote and went through the portal for a pre-homecoming adventure.

Currently, Stan was being bothered by a customer. Tyler Cutebiker, to be exact. "I like to get my Christmas shopping done early. Do you have anything that's in the spirit of the season?" He asked.

"Uh… how about these crystals?" Stan said, showing a bowl of broken glass to him.

"Ha ha! Looks like broken glass!" He said.

"What are you, a cop?" Stan said slightly annoyed.

"Oh! What is that new thing?!" Tyler exclaimed, running off, not paying any attention to Stan anymore.

In a dimension where perfect timing is _far_ more common than at my own dimension, it was only to be expected that as soon as he ran off, Dipper and Mabel would walk in. "Grunkle Stan?" Dipper started.

"Can we go to the diner?" Mabel continued. "We're huuungry!"

"Huuungry!"

"Aaah! Aaah! Aah! Aah!"

"Aaah! Aaah! Aah! Aah!"

"Yeah, sure." Stan said. "As soon as this yahoo makes up his mind."

"Do you have this in another animal?" Tyler asked, pointing at the fur trout on the wall.

"I'm fine locking him inside if you are." Stan said. Dipper and Mabel just nodded with eager looks on their faces. So we all headed out, Stan turned the sign so it read "closed" and boarded the door shut so it couldn't be opened from the inside, and we all ran off smiling like we just successfully shoplifted a bunch of candy, and got into Stan's car and he drove to the diner.

Once we got there, we all got out of the car, and walked into the train car which was turned into a small diner, which was mostly filled with various customers, and we sat down at a booth; Stan and Mabel on one side, and me and Dipper on the other. Mabel began balancing a spoon on her nose almost as soon as we sat down. The waitress, Lazy Susan, came up to take Stan's order.

"Lazy Susan, there's my little ray of sunshine." Stan said, particularly friendly. "Where were you yesterday?"

"I got hit by a bus!" She said, saying it as though it happened regularly.

"Ha ha ha ha! Hilarious!" Stan said.

"Thank you!"

"You do split plates, right?" Stan asked.

"Maybe." Lazy Susan said, grabbing her permanently closed eyelid and bringing it up then back down in a wink. "Wink."

"Great! Well, I'll split a 1/4 of the #7, plus a free salad dressing for the lady, a small plate of ketchup for the boy, and a bit of salt for the skinny one." Stan said, as Lazy Susan walked off to make the cheap order.

"But Grunkle Stan, I want pancakes." Mabel said.

"With the fancy flour they use these days? What am I, made of money? …Tap tap." Stan said, throwing his arms up in the air, causing a dollar bill to partially slip out of his sleeve. Stan noticed this, and tapped it back into his sleeve with his finger.

"Aw…"

Just then, the manliness tester caught Dipper's eye. He peeked out, and got an idea. "Don't worry guys, Pancakes are on me. I'm gonna win some by beating that manliness tester." Dipper said confidently.

"Manliness tester?"

"Beating?"

Stan and Mabel began laughing hysterically when they heard this. "What? What's so funny?" Dipper asked.

"Oh, no offense Dipper, but you're not exactly Manly Mannington." Mabel said, trying to hold in her remaining laughter, but ultimately failing in the end.

"Hey! I am, _too_ , Manly… Manny, or whatever it is you said." Dipper said, clearly somewhat offended anyway.

"Look, face the music, kid. You got no muscles, you smell like baby wipes, and let's not forget last Tuesday's… _incident_." Stan said.

"You were listening to girly Icelandic pop sensation Babba?" Mabel said incredulously.

"No, I wasn't!" Dipper said nervously, then became serious again. "That's not important! Look, come on guys, I'm plenty masculine! You see this chest hair?" Dipper said, pulling down his shirt to reveal a bare chest, as Mabel and Stan overdramatically acted like it was a bright light blinding them. "Aw, man." Stan and Mabel began laughing hysterically again. "Fine, family-of-little-faith, get ready to eat your words. _And_ a plate of delicious pancakes." Dipper said, sliding out of the booth and heading to the manliness tester machine.

When he got there, he began preparing himself, though Stan eventually got impatient and told him to quit stalling. Dipper grabbed the handle, and squeezed it with all of his might. The lights gradually lit up to "Man", before plummeting back down to "Wimp", and the machine spat out a card. Dipper grabbed it, and after reading it, was somewhat surprised and quite disappointed. "Aw, what? This thing must be broken. It's totally broken, guys. It's, like, a million years old. Probably ran out of steam power, or—" Manly Dan silently cut him off, or mor accurately, knocked him down to the floor by bumping into him, as he approached the machine himself. "I-it's rickety, man. I–you shouldn't even—" Manly Dan pressed on the lever with his little finger, which caused the lights to rocket up to "Manly Man" before the machine exploded; one of the parts landing on the plate of pancakes and making the pancakes land on everybody's plates.

"Yes! Pancakes for everyone!" Dan said, as the entire diner began cheering.

"I need to get some chest hair and fast." Dipper said to himself, walking out of the diner as I followed him. while he began mumbling to himself until a gush of water spraying out of a broken fire hydrant splashed him in the face. Blubs and Durland, being the strange cops they are, took off their shirts and began running circles around the hydrant like a couple of kids running around a sprinkler. Dipper backed away, bumping into a woman by accident.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I was looking for the mailman." The lady said.

"Oh, what, are you saying I'm _not_ a male man? Is that what you're trying to say? I'm not male? I'm not a man? Is that—is that what you're getting at?" Dipper said, clearly upset.

"Are you crying?" The woman asked.

Dipper just simply ran down the nearby alley and into the forest, where I finally caught up to him after a short while, where I found him pulling out a bag of "Real Man Jerky" and set it down on the ground. Immediately, the ground began shaking and all kinds of different animals fled in the other direction, trees came falling down, and even Manly Dan ran away, giving us a warning to run before he continued running. Dipper ran and grabbed his hat and rolled out of the way of a tree falling down, but ended up bumping into me and knocking me down. Dipper put on his hat and looked at the creature, letting out a high-pitched "ahh". Not wanting to sound un-manly, he "corrected" himself, forcing out a deeper "ahh" while puffing out his chest and holding his fists at his side, though he ended up coughing.

The creature, a manotaur, approached, and roared, though the roar was actually the start of a yawn. The manotaur reached into a nearby bush, grabbing a deer, and scratched its back with the deer's antlers before tossing the deer aside. Then it looked at Dipper, who tried to hide behind the nearby log, but the manotaur knocked the log away. "Please don't eat me! I haven't showered in, like, a week!" Dipper said fearfully. "And I'm— I'm, like, all elbows! Elbows and gristle!"

"You!" The manotaur yelled, pointing at Dipper, who flinched fearfully. "Gonna finish that?" The manotaur said, pointing to the bag of "Real Man Jerky" in Dipper's hand.

"No." Dipper said, tossing him the bag, which he began eating the contents of the bag. "I can't believe it. Part animal, part human. Are you some kind of minotaur?" Dipper asked.

"I'm a manotaur! Half man, half, uhh… half taur!" The manotaur said, pounding the ground as he said "man" and "taur".

"So did I, like, summon you, or…"

"The smell of jerky summoned me. Jerky!" The manotaur said, punching a tree in half and smashing a boulder to bits with his head, then roaring, but then started sniffing the air, then smelling Dipper. "I smell… emotional issues." The manotaur said.

"I got problems, manotaur. Man-related problems." Dipper said. The manotaur sat down with a thud, then motioned for Dipper to continue. "Well, my own uncle called me a wimp, and I kinda flunked this manliness video game thing…. Hey. You know, you seem pretty manly. Maybe you could… give me some pointers?"

"Hmm. Very well! Climb atop my back hair, child." The manotaur said. "Oh, and bring your friend along, too."

"Uh, okay." Dipper said hesitantly. Dipper and I climbed on his shoulders, which were wide enough to function as a seat, and the manotaur began running. At some points, Dipper and I nearly fell off, but we managed to hold on for the most part. Finally, the manotaur crashed into a mountain, which hid a cave full of other manotaurs.

"Whoa! This place is amazing!" Dipper said.

"The gnomes live in the trees, the merpeople live in the water—'cause they're losers!—but we manotaurs crash in the man cave!" The manotaur said, then used a bone to bang a gong to get the other manotaurs' attention. "Beasts! I have brought you a hairless child!" The manotaur said, shoving Dipper forward. "This is Pubitaur, Testosteraur, Pituitaur, and I'm Chutzpaur." He said, introducing me and Dipper to the others. "And you are…"

"My name's Dipper." The other manotaurs booed. "The, uh, destructor?" Dipper tried, getting moderate approval.

"Dipper the Destructor wants us to teach him the secrets to our manliness." Chutzpaur said.

"I need your help. Look at this, guys, look at this!" Dipper said, showing his bare chest.

"I must confer with the high council." One of the manotaurs said, as they all huddled together to start talking, though after just 8 seconds, they were all fighting each other.

"I like these guys." Dipper commented.

It took quite a while, but the manotaurs eventually stopped fighting.

"After a lot of punching, we have decided to deny your request to learn our manly secrets." A manotaur said.

"Denied!"

"Denied?" Dipper said. He decided to use a classic maneuver: "Okay. Fine. That's okay with me. Obviously you guys think it would be too hard to train me. Maybe… you're not _man_ enough to try."

"Not man enough?!" One of the manotaurs said, outraged. "Not _man enough?!_ I have _three_ Y-chromosomes, _six_ Adam's apples, pecs on my abs, and fists for nipples!"

"Seems to me you're scared to teach me how to be a man." Dipper said. "Hey. Do you guys hear that? It sounds like… _bok. Bok. Bok._ Oh, that's weird _bucock bok_. Is that— _bokbok bucock_ —that sounds like— _bucock_ —yeah, a bunch of chickens!" All the manotaurs gasped, and huddled together again.

"After a second round of deliberation, we have decided to help you become a man!" The manotaur said.

"Man! Man! Man! Man!"

"Great! Thanks, guys. Whatever it is, I will _not_ let you down." Dipper said. The manotaurs took Dipper outside, largely ignoring me, so I just followed and watched.

"Being a man is about conquering your fears."

"For your first man task, you must plunge your fist into the Pain Hole!" All the manotaurs gasped.

"The what?" Dipper said.

One of the manotaurs went up and did this himself. "Pain Hole, shmain hoAAAHH! AAAHHH! UAAAHHH!" The manotaur ran off, holding his fist.

"Are you sure this is really necessary?" Dipper asked.

"You wanna be a man, don't you?" Chutzpaur said.

"Man! Man! Man! Man! Man! Man!"

Dipper hesitantly put his hand into the Pain hole. When he did, he let out a really loud, high-pitched scream of pain.

After that first test was over, Dipper had to go through several more tests, such as pulling a wagon with everyone else in it, including me, crossing a crocodile-infested pond, drinking water from a fire hydrant, and jumping across a gorge. Finally, after several tests, they took Dipper to their "hot tub", which was a pool of warm water being heated by the nearby magma.

"Guys, I just want to say that these last few hours have been… I-I feel like there's really been some growth." Dipper said gratefully.

"I have a growth." One of the manotaurs said, pointing to a bulging spot on his head.

"Glark, you are _hilarious_ today!" Dipper said. "It's just you guys took me under your wing and have just been so supportive."

"Oh, stop." Chutzpaur said.

"No, you know what, you really have been." Dipper said. "I feel like I'm _finally_ becoming a man here."

"Not yet, Destructor. One final task remains." Chutzpaur told him. "The deadliest trial of all."

"I've survived 49 other trials. Whatever it is, bring it on!" Dipper said boldly.

"Yeah!"

Instead of just simply giving him the task, the manotaurs made him wear just a loincloth and put on some of those lick-and-stick tattoos as the manotaurs began their ceremony. "Behold our leader, Leaderaur!" Chutzpaur said, as an old manotaur began walking forward.

"Is he, like, the oldest, or wisest, or…?" Dipper asked, not sure why he would be the leader. Although he wasn't.

"Greetings, young—" The old manotaur was cut off as a huge set of teeth closed over him.

"Nah, he's just the offering. _That_ is Leaderaur." Chutzpaur said, pointing up the giant black manotaur who ate the old one.

"You. You wish to be man?" Leaderaur said. Dipper grunted in response and patted his chest with his hands, causing the other manotaurs to cheer. "Then you must do heroic act: go to highest mountain…" Leaderaur paused, reaching inside of his chest, causing him to scream in pain, and pulled out a spear. "…and bring back head of… the Multibear."

"The Multibear? That some sort of bear?" Dipper asked.

"He's our sworn enemy. Conquer him, and your mansformation will be complete." Leaderaur said.

"Conquer? I-I-I don't know, man." Dipper said hesitantly.

"Destructor! Is this yours?" Chutzpaur asked, pulling out a BABBA disco girl CD from Dipper's bag.

"Uh no! Ha ha. I-I don't know whose that is. Just borrowing it. It's a friend's, not mine." Dipper said, snatching the CD and hiding it, before hesitantly, then boldly, picking up the spear. "I shall conquer the Multibear!" Dipper proclaimed, as all the manotaurs began cheering and Leaderaur shot fire out of his nostrils into the air like a volcano. As a result, Dipper had to pat out a little bit of fire that landed on his shoulder. I was far enough away that it didn't reach me. Dipper set out towards the mountain running, so I just followed behind in somewhat of a light jog. I hated running. I had vowed ever since _back then_ that I would never run again unless my life depended on it. It wasn't hard to follow Dipper though, as he left a trail of cut off tree branches.

When I caught up to him, he was drinking water from a stream, then he began running again, but not before asking me why I wasn't also running. I told him that was a story for another time. Then, he ran up the mountain and I followed more slowly. I finally caught up again, right as he was entering the cave. "What is a Multibear?" Dipper wondered aloud, looking at one of the bones on the ground. When he heard some nearby growling, he looked up and saw a several-headed bear growling at him. "Oh. That's a Multibear."

"Bear heads! Silence!" The main head said. One of the other heads kept roaring, so it got slapped with a paw until it stopped. "Child. Why have you come here?" The main head asked. "And who's your friend there?"

"Don't mind me; I'm just watching." I said.

"Multibear, I seek your head! Or, one of them, anyway. There's like, what, six? Six heads?" Dipper said.

"This is foolish! Leave now or die!" The main head said. Dipper just pointed the spear at the Multibear. "So be it." All the bear heads began roaring. Dipper skillfully twirled his spear around before pointing it at the Multibear, which got down on its paws—the paws in the front, anyway—and ran towards Dipper, who ran along the cave walls for a brief moment as the Multibear ran past him, before sliding to a stop, and hitting a bunch of bones towards Dipper. He ran from the bones and ducked behind a rock as the Multibear approached, before jumping on top of the rock and pointing the spear at the Multibear again. One of the heads lunged at Dipper, who jumped over it, landing on it and running up the Multibear towards the main head, going behind it and using the spear to choke it, and the Multibear fell down. The main head looked up at Dipper, who was standing on top of the Multibear and pointing the spear at it once again.

"A real man shows no mercy!" Dipper said, holding the spear up, ready to strike.

"Very well, warrior." The main head said. "But will you grant a magical beast one last request?"

"Uh, okay." Dipper said.

"I wish to die listening to my favorite song." The Multibear said, looking over at a radio player as Dipper walked over to it. "Tape is already in there. You can just hit any— Yeah yeah, that's it."

Dipper pressed the button, and the song, which happened to be Disco Girl, began playing, much to Dipper's shock. "You listen to Icelandic pop group Babba? I-I love Babba." Dipper said.

"I thought I was the only one." The Multibear said. "All the manotaurs make fun of me because I know all the words to the song Disco Girl."

"Oh, you mean—" Dipper said, as he began singing along to the song, as did the Multibear. "Ha ha ha! Oh, this is crazy! Finally someone who—who understands that—oh, yeah." Dipper said. "I guess I'm supposed to kill you? Or I'll never be a man?"

"I accept my fate." The Multibear said.

"No… really?" Dipper said.

"It's for the best." The Multibear said. Dipper took on a fierce look and was about to strike the Multibear, but right before the spear hit, Dipper stopped.

"I can't do this…" Dipper said, heading out and back down to the man cave where the manotaurs were, and threw the spear down in front of Leaderaur. "I'm not gonna do it." Dipper proclaimed.

"You were told the price of manhood is the Multibear's head." Leaderaur said.

"Listen, Leaderaur, alright?" Dipper said. "You too Testosteraur, Pituitaur, and… I don't know, whatever your name is. Beardy?"

"It's Beardy."

"You keep telling me that being a man means doing all these tasks and being agro all the time, but I'm starting to think that stuff's malarkey." Dipper said, as all the other manotaurs gasped. "You heard me. Malarkey! So maybe I don't have muscles or hair in certain places, and sure, when a girly pop song comes on the radio, sometimes, I leave it on, 'cause dang it top 40 hits are in the top 40 for a reason: they're catchy!"

"Destructor, what are you saying?" Chutzpaur said.

"I'm saying the Multibear is a really nice guy, and you're a bunch of jerks if you want me to cut off his head!" Dipper said.

Leaderaur was enraged by this; standing up and knocking away the spear on the ground and getting up close to Dipper. "Kill the Multibear, or never be a man!" Leaderaur said.

"Then I guess I'll never be a man." Dipper said, causing the manotaurs to boo.

"Hey guys, who wants to go build something and knock it down?!"

Dipper just left, and I followed as we approached the Gravity Falls diner, and Dipper put his clothes back on. When we got back to the diner, Mabel looked out of one of the windows and started pounding on the glass. "Dipper! Nathan! It's me, Mabel! I'm looking at you through the glass! Right here! This is my voice! I'm talking to you from inside!" Dipper and I headed inside and sat down at the booth where Stan was eating some pie. "Did you see me through the—"

"Yes." Dipper said.

"Yep." I said.

"What's wrong, Dipper?" Mabel asked.

"I don't want to talk about it." Dipper said.

"Good." Stan said.

"It's just these half-man half-bull humanoids were hanging out with me…" Dipper began.

"Here we go."

"But then they wanted me to do this really tough, horrible thing, but it just wasn't right. So I said no." Dipper finished.

"You were your own man and you stood up for yourself." Stan said.

"Huh?"

"Yeah, you did what was right even though no one agreed with you. Sounds pretty manly to me, but what do I know?" Stan told him, causing Dipper to smile.

"Wait a minute. Do my eyes deceive me?" Mabel said, peering over at Dipper before crawling across the table. "You have a chest hair!" Mabel said, pointing at a single hair sticking out of Dipper's chest, as he pulled his shirt down to get a better look.

"You're right! I do!" Dipper said. "Ha ha! This is amazing, I really do! Take that, man tester! Take that, Pituitaur!"

"Pituitaur?" Stan asked, confused.

"This guy has chest hair!" Dipper said, before Mabel used a pair of tweezers to pluck out the hair and placing it in her scrapbook.

"Scrapbookortunity!" Mabel said, as Dipper just sat there.

"Don't worry, kid. If you're anything like me, there's more where that came from." Stan said, tearing apart his shirt to reveal his very hairy chest.

"Oh, gross!" Dipper said, as we all laughed for a bit. "Seriously that's disgusting."

"Anyway, I'm gonna get going." I said, using my portal remote to go back to my dimension so I could get ready for homecoming. "Still 6:00. Perfect…"


	7. Double Dipper

**Chapter 7: Double Dipper**

So, remember when I said how excited I was to go to the homecoming dance? Well….

I had spent most of the day getting ready for the homecoming dance; getting some dress clothes and even some roses for Autumn. When I got there, I waited for a while for her to show up. When she did show up, I gave her the roses I had for her and told her she looked beautiful. She accepted the roses and told me I looked good too, and said I was sweet, and she set the roses down and I set my umbrella down (it was raining that night). Then, she said she was going to go get some water. She left, and after that, I didn't see her at all for the rest of the night. At first I didn't think much of it, but after a few minutes, I began looking for her. I looked for her for over an hour in total. It wasn't until I was about to leave myself because it was closing in 20 minutes that I had figured out that she had left. She didn't even take the roses with her.

…

…I didn't get much sleep that night.

So I've decided I'm going to take a break from making any attempts at a romantic interaction of any kind for the next several months. And while I'm not the kind of person to hold a grudge, and I'm not mad at her either, I'd still really like to know why she did it. I'd really like to believe that she had to leave because she got sick or maybe she went without her parents' permission and she just forgot about the roses, and that it wasn't her intention to leave me like that, but the evidence goes against that. She had even seemed flattered that I had asked her to the dance, too.

I already know that I am not the kind of guy that a girl would go head-over-heels for—heck, _I_ even think that I don't have much of a chance, if _any_ —but if she really didn't want to go with me, she could've just said no. That would've hurt my feelings a _lot_ less than saying yes and then just leaving like that like she did.

Heartbreak aside, there's another certain individual who's trying to make a move on his crush. A certain twin in another dimension by the name of Dipper Pines.

Yep. It was time for my next adventure in Gravity Falls. So I grabbed my portal remote, and stepped through the swirling blue vortex into the Mystery Shack, where Dipper and Mabel were playing around with the silly string while the Mystery Shack was being set up for a party.

"Guys, guys, stop! Something terrible just happened!" Wendy said, walking up to the twins. Then she proceeded to spray silly string on them, then they all started throwing golden confetti on top of an irritated Stan.

"All right, all right! Party supplies are now off limits." Stan said, taking away the supplies.

"Mr. Pines, who's birthday is it again?" Soos asked, tying up some banners.

"Nobody's. Thought this party would be a good way to get kids to spend money at the shack. The young people of this town want fun, I'll smother them with fun!" Stan said as he hung up a pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey game.

"Maybe comments like that are why kids _don't_ come to the Mystery Shack." Dipper said.

"Hey, hey! How's about you kids make yourself useful and copy these flyers?" Stan said, handing Dipper a flyer for the party.

"Oh, boy! A trip to the copier store!" Mabel said.

"Calendars, mugs, T-shirts and more! They got it all at the copier store!" Soos said. "That's not their slogan, I just really feel that way about the copier store."

"Save the trouble. You know the old copier in my office?" Stan said. "I finally fixed the old girl up. Good as new!"

"Uhh…" Dipper said.

"Go. Go!" Stan said, shoving us down towards his office.

When we got in, Dipper pulled the sheet off of the copier, to reveal it was "fixed" with duct tape. Several bugs ran around on it, it had a bit of webbing on it, and some moths even flew off. "Butterflies!" Mabel said. Dipper opened the scanner area, and some more webs came apart when he did.

"Does it even work?" Dipper asked.

"It works better than you would ever think possible for a copy machine." I said. "Then again, this is Gravity Falls. Anything can happen."

Dipper and Mabel looked at me for a bit, then Dipper pressed one of the buttons, then absent-mindedly rested his arm on the scanner as he looked at the flyer. The scanner started scanning his arm, and a slightly surprised Dipper pulled it away, then the machine fizzled a bit with visible electricity around it, before spitting out a bunch of smoke into our faces. I had forgotten about the smoke, so I was in the line of fire. Then, the machine printed out a black-and-white image of Dipper's arm. "Success." Mabel said, grabbing the paper. Then it began shaking and twisting, causing Mabel to drop it in alarm. The paper, now on the floor, began rippling, before the image turned to color and the arm came to life, pulling itself out of the paper. Dipper and Mabel got back fearfully, as the arm started crawling towards us.

"Don't worry. It can be disintegrated with any liquid." I told them. Dipper and Mabel exchanged a tentative glance, and Dipper tossed Mabel's soda on it. The arm began melting and bubbling like boiling water, before it disappeared entirely.

"Oh my gosh, you guys, I think this copier can copy human beings!" Dipper said. "Oh, and thanks for the tip, Nathan."

"No problem." I said.

"Do you realize what this means?" Mabel said. However, instead of providing an actual answer, she just sprayed silly string on me and Dipper. I immediately wiped the silly string off my face, as I didn't like the feeling of the silly string on me. Then Dipper put the flyer on the machine. Seeing as how it wasn't actually anything living, when the paper came out, it didn't come to life, though Dipper and Mabel were a bit hesitant at first. When that was done, Stan called for a brief meeting.

"All right party people… and Dipper." Stan said. Dipper frowned at being referred to as not a party person. "Let's talk business. Soos. Because you'll work for free, and you begged, I'm letting you be DJ."

"You won't regret it, Mr. Pines. I got this book that teached me how to DJ r-r-right!" Soos said, holding up a book titled "How to DJ R-r-r-r-ight".

"Not encouraging." Stan deadpanned. "Wendy. You and Mabel are working the ticket stand."

"What? But Grunkle Stan, this party is my chance to make new friends!" Mabel said.

"I-I could work with Wendy." Dipper said.

"You realize if you do, you gotta commit to staying at the ticket stand with Wendy; no getting out of it, _just_ the two of you, _alone_ , _all_ night." Stan said.

Dipper looked back and saw Wendy use silly string to draw a face on Soos' stomach, as he made his stomach ripple up and down as Mabel and Wendy started laughing. "I promise." Dipper said.

Later, Dipper was up in the attic putting on a bowtie in front of a mirror while I was just relaxing. When Dipper turned to grab some kind of spray (I couldn't tell what it was), Mabel snuck up next to him, startling him as he dropped the bottle and backed up. "What?" Dipper asked.

" _Uh, uh, I can work the counter with you, Wendy! Let's kiss!_ " Mabel said, mocking Dipper, then pretending to kiss someone.

"Yeah, yeah, laugh all you want. But I've devised a plan to make sure my night with Wendy goes _perfect_." Dipper said.

"And besides, it takes a _LOT_ of courage to ask out a girl. I should know." I said, looking down dejectedly at remembering my recent failure, though neither of the twins seemed to notice.

"He's right, you know." Dipper said. "Which is why I'm going to use my plan to help me."

"Plan? Oh, you're not making one of those overcomplicated listy things, are you?" Mabel said.

"Overcomplicated?" Dipper scoffed, pulling out a small piece of paper out of his vest pocket, then unfolding it to where it went all the way down to the ground. "'Step 1: Getting to know each other with playful banter.' Banter is like talking, but smarter."

"That sounds like a dumb idea for poop-heads." Mabel said.

"Yeah, see, this isn't banter. This is what I want to avoid with Wendy. The final step is to ask her to dance." Dipper said, fantasizing for a bit. "If I follow steps 1-11, nothing can get in my way."

"Dipper, _you're_ the one getting in your way." Mabel said. "Why can't you just walk up and talk to her like a normal person?"

"Step 9, sister." Dipper said, pointing to Step 9, which was "talk to her like a normal person", and Mabel just rolled her eyes. One of the other steps I noticed was "Block Robbie", which was Step 6.

After another 10-15 minutes, the party began to start. I hung around the snack table for a bit, but you could tell the snacks were generic-brand, and some of them were even a little stale, so I stopped eating the snacks. Then Stan came out next to Mabel. "Can your uncle throw a party or what?" Stan said to Mabel.

"The energy; it's electric!" Soos said over the microphone, then pressed various keys on his keyboard, looking for the lightning sound effect.

"And if anyone wants to leave, I'm charging an exit fee of $15." Stan said. Two of the teenagers happened to overhear this, and began panicking because they only had $13, so they figured they were trapped. I headed over to the window, and saw Dipper and Wendy working the ticket counter. Dipper pulled out his list for a moment while Wendy wasn't looking, and read it over before putting it back in his vest.

"So here's a casual question! What's your favorite type of snack food?" Dipper said.

"Oh, man, I can't just pick _one_." Wendy said.

"No way! Mine too!" Dipper said automatically.

"Wait, what?" Wendy asked, confused by his response.

"Uh, I mean… I mean…" Dipper shoved a handful of popcorn into his mouth, then began choking on it a few seconds later as he pulled his list back out. I looked back inside, and noticed Mabel dancing her way over to a seat and sat down. As she took a drink from her bottle of water, she noticed the lizard on the shoulder of her soon-to-be friend, Grenda.

"Wow! You've got an animal on your body!" Mabel said.

"Hi. I'm Grenda." She said in her very deep, manly voice. "This is Candy." She said, gesturing to Candy, who had taped forks to her fingers.

"Why do you have forks taped to your fingers?" Mabel asked curiously.

Candy reached into the popcorn bowl on Grenda's lap, and pulled her hand out with a kernel of popcorn on each fork. "Improvement of human being." She said.

"I've found my people." Mabel said.

Then, Soos began to speak over the radio. "Remember, dudes. Whoever, um… party hardies—what?—gets the party crown!" Soos said, lifting up the crown. "Most applause at the end of the night wins!" Mabel and her new friends gasped in awe. Then a very rich-looking girl, Pacifica, walked up to Soos.

"Party crown? I'll take that; thank you very much." Pacifica demanded.

"Who's that?" Mabel asked.

"The most popular girl in town; Pacifica Northwest." Candy said, adjusting her glasses.

"I always feel bad about myself around her." Grenda said.

"Uh, I can't just give you the crown." Soos told Pacifica. "It's sort of a competition thing."

Pacifica laughed. "Honestly, who's gonna compete against _me_? _Fork girl_? _Lizard lady_?" Pacifica mocked, as her and her group began laughing. Candy and Grenda felt hurt by this, which prompted Mabel to accept the challenge as she walked up.

"Hey! I'll compete!" Mabel said. "I'm Mabel." Mabel said, holding out her hand to shake Pacifica's hand.

"That sounds like a fat old lady's name." Pacifica insulted.

"I'll take that as a compliment." Mabel said.

"May the better partier win." Pacifica challenged, before walking backwards dramatically.

"Nice meeting you!" Mabel called after her. "She's going down."

"Let the battle for the party crown begin!" Soos said, putting on some music as Mabel began dancing. "Mabel comes out strong. Watch out Pacifica."

Meanwhile, outside, Dipper and Wendy were looking in the window. "I've gotta get in there! Cover for me?" Wendy said.

"Uh, heh heh. Um, well, I—"

"Thanks, man." Wendy said, running inside.

Dipper pulls out his list for a bit and looks at it, then puts it away and turns the "open" sign on the table to say "closed". "I'll be back shortly! I'm sure Stan won't mind if I'm gone for a few minutes." Dipper said, addressing the line, before heading off. However, he didn't even take a step before Stan pulled him back.

"Hey! What are you doing, kid?" Stan said. "These suckers aren't gonna rip themselves off."

"Yeah!"

"You _promised_ , _remember_?" Stan said.

"I did?" Dipper said. Stan simply pulled out an audio recording device and played the recording he made of Dipper saying "I promise", then walking away. Then he looked back to make sure Dipper wouldn't leave, then he left again. Dipper sighed and sat down, flipping the sign back to "open" and continued taking people's admission. "If only I could be in two places at once." That's when Dipper got his idea. So he made sure Stan wasn't around, and snuck off to Stan's office, and lied down on the machine, which printed himself out. The Dipper clone came to life after the paper fell to the floor, and he stood up. "Whoa!" Dipper said. "I have a really big head." Dipper climbed down off of the copy machine to look at his double.

"So, uh—" They both said simultaneously. "Heh, sorry. You first. Stop copying me!" It was like looking at a mirror. When the Dipper copy was rubbing his arm from hitting his funny bone, Dipper went over and wrote a 2 on the copy's hat where the pine tree was supposed to be.

"I will call you #2." Dipper said.

"Definitely not." The copy said. "You know what name I've always wanted."

"Tyrone." They both said.

"Okay, Tyrone." Dipper said. "Let's get down to business. I'm thinking you work at the ticket stand, while I ask Wendy to dance."

"I know the plan, buddy!" Tyrone said, before they both pulled out the list from their pocket. It was still like looking at a mirror. Until Dipper looked over at Tyrone with a slightly suspicious look.

"Hey, we're not gonna get jealous and turn on each other like the clones in the movies, are we?" Dipper said.

"Dipper, please. This is _you_ you're talking about. Plus, hey, you can always just disintegrate me with water." Tyrone reasoned.

"Yeah. _Yeah._ " They both said, tapping on their foreheads, then tapping on the other's forehead. How much it looked like a mirror was starting to become creepy. So they agreed; while Tyrone would work the counter, Dipper would take care of asking Wendy to dance. After Dipper and Tyrone shared a thumbs-up from between the window, Dipper "casually" walked up to Wendy.

"Great news, Wendy! I got somebody to cover the concessions for me." Dipper said.

"That's awesome! You can hang out with me and Robbie." Wendy said. "Robbie, you remember Dipper from the convenience store."

"Uh, no." Robbie said. "Yo, Wendy. Check out my new guitar." Robbie set down a guitar case and pulled a guitar out of it and playing a few riffs on it.

"Whoa. Cool." Wendy commented, much to Dipper's horror. After spacing out for a few seconds, his phone rang, and he answered it. It was Tyrone.

"Hey, buddy. It's me, you. I just had the same jealousy fantasy." Tyrone said.

"We gotta get rid of Robbie if I ever wanna dance with Wendy." Dipper said.

"Hey, Dipper! We're gonna go sit on the couch. Meet us when you're done!" Wendy called to him.

Dipper gave her a thumbs-up, before becoming even more panicked. "Oh no! They're sitting on the couch! We gotta think of something, quick!" Dipper said, looking around for a second, then looking at Robbie's bike. "I got an idea."

"I got the same one." Tyrone said. "But we're gonna need some help." They both looked at me.

"Don't look at me; _I'm_ not doing that." I said. So instead, they went back to the copier machine, and Dipper made another copy of himself, wrote a 3 on his hat, and very briefly explained things.

"…And that's where you come in, #3." Dipper said.

"But what if Robbie catches me?" #3 said. "I'll be all alone!"

"Okay, one more. 4 Dippers. This is a 4 Dipper plan." Dipper said, getting back on the copy machine. However, this time, there was a paper jam.

"Uh oh, paper jam." Tyrone said, going over to the machine and pulling the paper out and setting it down on the floor. When this Dipper came to life, it was all distorted.

"Nyi-nyi-nyi-nyi! Ahh! Ah-ck-ckkck-ck-yaa!"

"Come on, you're not gonna make me partner up with _him_ , are you?" #3 said.

"Shh! Don't be rude!" Tyrone said. "Hey, buddy, hey. It's okay."

"Gyaa! Ckcck-ckcck-ckah!" Paper Jam Dipper said.

"Okay, just one more clone." Dipper said, getting back on the machine. When the machine was done, Dipper #4 came to life, and then #3 and #4 went and took Robbie's bike out an rode away on it as Dipper went up to Soos while Mabel did a flip on the stage, landing on her face.

"That was for you guys!" She said as the crowd went wild.

Dipper went up to Soos and whispered something in his ear then. "Dudes, would the owner of a silver and red dirt bike please report outside? It's being stolen right now." Soos said.

"Wait, _what_?!" Robbie said, peering outside, before running after them. "Hey, come back here!"

"Oh, tough break." Dipper said, sitting on the armrest nest to Wendy now. "I wonder who those guys are that aren't me because I'm right here."

"Now we're gonna bring it _down_ for a minute." Soos said. "Ladies, dudes, now's the time." Soos said, as all the couples on the dance floor start dancing together. _Still reminds me of that bad time I had…._

"Aw, snap! I love this song!" Wendy said, leaning back and forth in rhythm with the music as Mabel ran up to him.

"Hey, goofus! Now's your chance to ask Wend—" Dipper cut Mabel off by slapping a hand over her mouth before Wendy could hear what Mabel was saying, before getting off the couch and leading her away a few steps before taking his hand off her mouth. "Now's your chance to ask Wendy to dance!" Mabel finished. Dipper took out his list and started looking at it, before Mabel lightly shoved him. "Come on! Go!" Mabel encouraged.

"I, uh…" Dipper hesitated. He hesitantly took a step forward, then another, and another, before running off in the other direction. "I'll be right back."

Several minutes later, several Dippers came back out. #10 distracted Soos with a laser pointer while he put in his own CD into the player, #7 turned one of the blue lights to pink, #5 pulled down the blinds on one of the windows, #8 distracted Stan with a $1 bill, and finally, #6 pulled a rope, which seemingly did nothing, but really, it sent Dipper his cue upstairs. I made it to the specific hallway in time for Dipper and Wendy's "desert island" conversation.

"So, hey. Let's say everyone at this party gets stuck at a desert island. Who do you think the leader would be?" Wendy said.

"I… uh…" Dipper hesitated.

"I think I'd go with this lunatic." Wendy said, pointing to a guy repeatedly punching the air in the same spot overexaggeratedly. Dipper looked at him, and chuckled, before putting away his list that he had out.

"I'd probably go for Stretch over there. Uh, because tall people can reach coconuts?" Dipper said, pointing over to a tall, skinny guy swaying to the music, and Wendy laughed.

"Speaking of tall, you wanna see something?" Wendy said, pulling out a picture out of her wallet and showing it to Dipper. "Those are my three brothers, and I'm…" She trailed off, moving her thumb to show how tall she was.

"Ha! You were a freak!" Dipper said, before immediately covering his mouth, afraid of what she might say. However, she didn't say anything he probably thought she would.

"Yep." Wendy agreed.

"You know, kids used to make fun of my birthmark before I started hiding it all the time." Dipper said.

"Birthmark?" Wendy said.

"Uh, no! It's nothing!" Dipper panicked, blushing. "I-I wh— Why did I say that?"

"No way, dude. Now you have to show me." Wendy said. "Show me! Show me!"

Hesitantly, Dipper handed Wendy his cup before removing his hat and moving aside some of his hair to reveal his birthmark; which was the Big Dipper.

"The Big Dipper. _That's_ how you got your nickname." Wendy said in astonishment. "I thought your parents just hated you or something. Hey. I guess we're both freaks." Wendy said, holding her cup out as Dipper picked up his cup and bumped it with hers as they both began laughing, when suddenly, a very angry looking Pacifica walked out of the bathroom. "Wait here?" Wendy said.

"Of course." Dipper said, as she walked in.

"Hey!" Dipper turned around and noticed the other Dipper clones walking up to him. "What are you doing up here? #10 has been distracting Soos for 15 minutes. He's gonna get tired of that dot eventually." Tyrone said.

"Never!" Soos yelled; apparently having heard him.

"You won't believe it, guys. I bumped into Wendy accidentally and things are actually going great!" Dipper said.

"That's nice, but not the plan. Do we have to remind you?" Tyrone said, as every Dipper clone pulled out their version of the list and read from it simultaneously, making it so that every Dipper was overlapping each other.

"Oh, man, you guys sound _crazy_." Dipper said. "Look. Maybe we don't _need_ the plan anymore, you know? Maybe I could just go talk to her like a normal person."

"If you're not gonna stick to the plan, maybe _you_ shouldn't be the Dipper to dance with Wendy." #5 said, as the other clones agreed with him.

"Guys, come on. We said we weren't gonna turn on each other." Dipper said.

"I think we all knew we were lying." Tyrone said as all the clones approached Dipper, then dragged him back, and shoved him in a closet.

As a feeble escape attempt, Dipper tried to claim that he couldn't breathe, but one of the clones said he could breathe, and that they even left snacks in there for him.

"Okay. So now that original Dipper, or Dipper Classic, is no longer fit for it, I nominate myself to dance with Wendy instead." Tyrone said. "I've been around the longest, so it should be me. Right? I mean, logically. Logically, guys."

"Fair point, fair point." #10 said.

"Maybe I could roll my 10-sided die and let that decide." I said, but they all just ignored me.

"Counterpoint, maybe _I_ should get to dance with Wendy because I've been around her the least." #10 continued.

"That makes, like, zero sense." #5 said.

" _You_ make zero sense!" #10 said, shoving #5.

"Watch it!"

"Don't shove people."

"Nyi-nyi-nyi-nyi-nyi! Aaah!"

"Heey. You want some cheese and crackers, buddy?" Tyrone said, approaching Paper Jam Dipper with cheese and crackers, and trying to put a cracker in his mouth, but it wouldn't go in at all. "Yikes." Tyrone said. "Hey, guys? What would you do if you were trapped in a closet?" Tyrone said.

"Break out." All the other clones said, before they looked over and noticed the door was wide open. The other clones rushed downstairs, and pulled Dipper away from where he was about to call out for Wendy and towards the rest of them.

"Come on man, give it up. You're overpowered." Tyrone said.

"Hold on guys, think about it." Dipper said. "We're exact equals mentally and physically. If we start fighting, it'll just go on for infinity." The clones all mumbled their agreement, when suddenly, Dipper punched Tyrone.

"Clone fight!" #9 yelled, before they all began fighting each other. Amidst the chaos, Dipper taped on a 7 and tried to sneak away.

"Hey! Classic Dipper's getting away!" #10 said.

"No, friends! It's me, #7!" Dipper said.

"That's not me, guys! _That's not me!_ " The real #7 said, then the 7 on Dipper's hat began to fall off and revealed the pine tree underneath.

"Get him!" #9 said, starting to corner Dipper.

"Stay back! Stay back!" Dipper warned, pulling out a "Party Popper" and pulling the string, causing confetti and smoke to shoot out. The smoke rose up and caused the fire alarm to go off as the sprinklers activated, causing the clones to melt as they booed about it. "Huh. How 'bout that?" Dipper said.

"You!" Tyrone said, having avoided the brief sprinklers' spray.

"Uh oh." Dipper said. After a brief one-on-one fight that was pretty much back and forth on who was winning, they heard Wendy laughing, which caused them to stop. When they went over, they saw that Robbie had returned, and Wendy was laughing with him, and both Dipper's sighed.

"We blew it man." They both said, turning around and sitting down at the exact same time.

"I don't know. You wanna go grab a couple sodas or something?" Tyrone said. At this time, I knew it was about time for the voting for the party crown, so I ran down and decided to make the winning vote.

"Let the party crown voting commence!" Soos called out, ringing a bell. "Applaud to vote for Mabel!" Soos said. At this cue, I began cheering so loud my throat began to hurt after a few seconds, as most of the audience cheered as well. "Let's check the applause-o-meter. Oh… oh… pretty good." Soos said, and I noticed his arm went slightly farther with me cheering. "And your next contestant, Pacifica." Soos said. At this, the crowd was mostly silent, save for a few people. When only a few people were applauding, Pacifica gave the audience a death glare, causing some more people to hesitantly applaud. Soos' arm was just slightly farther for Mabel than it was for Pacifica. "And the winner is, Mabel!" Soos declared, causing the crowd to go wild as Pacifica growled angrily and stormed off as Soos handed the party crown to Mabel.

"Thank you everyone!" Mabel declared over the microphone. And with my work done, I began to head up to the rooftop where Dipper and Tyrone currently were and got there in the middle of their conversation.

"You think we really even have a chance with Wendy?" Dipper said. "I mean, she's 15, we're 12…"

"It's not that weird, having a 3-year age difference." I said, startling them slightly. "I mean, with _my_ parents… well, my dad's 9 years older than my mom is, so that's three times the difference."

"Well, in any case, we're making zero progress the way we're doing it." Tyrone said. "The only good conversation you had with her was when you didn't do any of that list stuff."

"I know." Dipper said. "Mabel was right, I do get in my own way."

" _Literally_!" They both said simultaneously.

"Whoa." Tyrone said, then mimicked an explosion, then they bumped their sodas together and—

"Wait wait wait!" I called out, but it was too late. Tyrone had taken a drink.

"Ohh boy. Don't look now." Tyrone said, as he began to melt from the inside out.

"Tyrone!" Dipper yelled.

"It's okay dude, I had a good run." Tyrone said, beginning to melt off of the roof. "Remember what we talked about."

"Uh, of course!" Dipper said.

"Hey, and quit being such a wimp around Wendy, okay? For my sake!" Tyrone said, melting away completely.

"Tyrone!… You were the only one who understood." Dipper said, pouring some of his soda on the melted remains of Tyrone and taking a sip.

"Anyway, I was the sole vote that made Mabel win over Pacifica in the contest." I said. "Without my vote, Pacifica would've won."

"Wait, really?!" Dipper said.

"Yep." I told him.

"Thanks for doing that." Dipper said.

"No problem." I said. "Anyway, good luck in there." I said, as Dipper got down off of the roof and headed inside, but not before he took out his list and tore it up, as I went through the portal to head back into my dimension; since I was rather hungry still.


	8. Irrational Treasure

**Chapter 8: Irrational Treasure**

So, three months into my adventures in Gravity Falls, I realized that I wanted to visit more often than once every other week. So I decided to visit every week from now on. In fact, I would've gone last week, but I got a pretty bad cold, so I had to postpone my visit, even though I had mostly recovered by the end of the week.

Anyway, I grabbed my remote and went through the portal, closing it behind me, and apparently, the portal opened up _inside_ of Stan's car, which means I had very little room to maneuver around the twins to sit down.

"Oh. Uh, hi there Nathan." Dipper said. "I didn't know you could open up your portal anywhere you wanted."

"Actually, I just opened it and walked through without a specific destination in mind at all." I said. "Apparently it took me to the inside of your Grunkle's car."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. So your friend somehow teleported inside of my car. Big deal." Stan said, before honking his horn in annoyance at the traffic ahead.

Mabel pulled out a couple of "Corncornos" and stuck them onto her ears, dangling down off of her ears. "Ha ha, nacho earrings. I'm hilarious!" Mabel said.

"That's debatable." Stan deadpanned. "Ah, come on, what's with all this traffic? And why is it all… covered wagons? Oh no! No, no!" Stan said, shifting his car into gear and hurriedly tried to get out of town in a panic. "Not today! _Not today!_ " Stan panicked, slamming on the brakes to avoid running into some pedestrians before backing out quickly.

"Grunkle Stan, what's going on?" Dipper asked.

"One of his least favorite days of the year." I said.

"We've gotta get out of here, before it's too late!" Stan said, seemingly ignoring Dipper's question, before screeching to a halt. "They've circled the wagons! We're trapped! _Nooooo!_ "

Suddenly, a cowbell rang nearby, and Mabel looked out the window to see a cow looking in. "I've got a good feeling about today." She said. We all got out of Stan's car, and began walking around.

"Man, look at the town!" Dipper said, pulling out a postcard and looking at it before bringing it back down to look at the scene in comparison, with two guys carrying a sheet of dirty glass past.

"Oh boy. It's Pioneer Day." Stan said, walking up next to us. "Every year these yahoos dress up like idiots to celebrate the day Gravity Falls was founded."

"Welcome to 1863!" Toby said, walking up, dressed up looking like a… I don't even know.

"I will _break_ you, little man!" Stan threatened, causing him to run off, tripping over a barrel before continuing his run.

"Wow, look! Candle dipping!" Mabel exclaimed, looking over to the side.

"Whoa! Gold panning!" Dipper said, looking next to where Mabel was looking, then they both looked over to a man marrying a woodpecker.

"What'ch you talking about?" Mabel said, very confused.

"Oh yeah, I remember this." Dipper said, pulling out his journal. "In Gravity Falls, it used to be legal to marry woodpeckers." Dipper said.

"Oh it's still legal." The man who married a woodpecker said, walking up to us with said woodpecker on his shoulder. " _Very_ legal."

"Come one and all, for the opening ceremonies." An announcer said, catching people's attention.

"Grunkle Stan, you coming?" Mabel asked as Stan walked up.

"No thank you! Just remember if you come back to the shack talking like these people, you're dead to me!" Stan said, as the twins decided to do just that for the fun of it. "Dead to me!"

"Here ye, here ye. Ye olde commencement ceremony is about to commence." Sheriff Blubs announced as a crowd gathered around the stage.

"Woo! I got a bell!" Deputy Durland shouted, ringing his bell as he ran onto the stage. Suddenly, a crook grabbed an old lady's purse and ran off as the old lady tried to get the police's attention about it. Instead, they ignored it and Durland began ringing his bell again.

Dipper, Mabel and I had made it to the front of the crowd to see Pacifica doing a mic check. "Howdy, everyone. You all know me, Pacifica Northwest, great-great-granddaughter of town founder, Nathaniel Northwest. I'm also very rich." Pacifica said, bragging about herself. "Now if you've got the pioneer spirit, we ask you to come on up and introduce yourself."

"Audience participation!" Mabel said.

"I don't know, Mabel. Isn't that girl kind of like your arch-enemy?" Dipper said.

"That's water under the bridge." Mabel said dismissively, running up.

"Our first newcomer is… _Mabel._ " Pacifica said, venom laced into her voice as she looked at Mabel and said her name.

"Yeah! Let's get this pioneer day started!" Mabel said, blowing a raspberry. "Right guys? USA! USA!"

"USA! USA!" The crowd chanted.

"I'm sorry to break it to you, but pioneer day is for serious people, and you look and act ridiculous." Pacifica said. "I mean, a puppy playing basketball? Are you _always_ this silly?"

"Hey! I can be serious!" Mabel said, scrunching up her face to try and look serious.

"You do have nachos hanging from your ears, hun." Pacifica mocked. "Wow. I'm embarrassed for you. Give her a hand, everybody!" Mabel dejectedly walked off stage, and Dipper and I went after her.

"Hey, you okay?" Dipper asked.

"I need some old-timey butterscotch." Mabel said.

"Let's get out of here." Dipper said, glaring back at the stage, as we went and grabbed some butterscotch and sat down by the statue of the supposed town founder.

"Dipper, can I ask you something?" Mabel asked. "Do you think I'm silly?"

"Uh, nooo…?" Dipper said.

"Ugh, I _knew_ it! The nacho earrings, the sweater… I thought I was being charming, but I guess people see me as a big joke." Mabel said, tossing the nachos off her ears and taking her sweater off and tying it around her waist.

"Come on, Mabel, you _love_ that sweater!" Dipper said.

"I _did_ before Pacifica ruined it for me." Mabel said. "She ruins everything!"

"Pacifica! Why does she think that being related to the town founder means she gets to treat everyone like garbage? Someone needs to take her down a peg." Dipper said, before gasping in realization. "Wait a minute! I feel like I read something about Pacifica's great-great-grandfather before." Dipper said, pulling out the journal and flipping through a few pages. "Of course! Oh, this is perfect."

"By the way, Dipper, don't do the voice." I said. _It's a little cringy._

"Okay." Dipper said. "'In my investigations, I recently made a discovery. Nathaniel Northwest may not be the founder of Gravity Falls. I believe the proof of this secret is buried somewhere on the enclosed document. If only I could crack the code…'" Dipper read, pulling off a document that was taped to the page and unfolding it, revealing a bunch of mysterious symbols. "Oh, man! If this cover-up is true, it means Pacifica's whole family is a fraud! This could be a major conspiracy."

"Really?" Mabel asked.

"I've gotta investigate this." Dipper said, standing up.

"Wait! I'm coming with you." Mabel said. "Conspiracies are serious, right?"

"Oh, yeah, definitely." Dipper said.

"They're, like, U.S. government-level serious." I said.

"Well if I help you crack this code, then nobody could ever call me silly again!" Mabel said.

"Yeah!" Dipper said, pumping a fist in the air. "Mystery twins?"

"I thought you hated that." Mabel said.

"I'm starting to accept it." Dipper said, bumping fists with Mabel as we all went over to the local library. "Alright, Mabel. If we can prove that Nathaniel Northwest wasn't the real founder of Gravity Falls, it'll finally put Pacifica in her place."

"And solving a mystery will prove than I'm not silly. I'm serious." Mabel said, eating some more butterscotch. "Seeriousss."

"We just need to crack this code." Dipper said, turning on a projector. "Let me see…. It's not Egyptian. It's not numerology. It's not—wait, of course! The triangle is the alchemist's symbol for flame. Lighting the parchment on fire will reveal the secret message!"

"It's so obvious!" Mabel said.

"Alright. Let's just light this sucker up and—Mabel!" Dipper said, grabbing a candle and turning to see Mabel had made a paper hat out of it, revealing a map.

"Mwop! I just made a hat!… Ugh, I just did something silly again! Pbbbt!" Mabel said, blowing a raspberry.

"Wait. Mabel, you folded it into a map!" Dipper said, holding the candle to the map, lighting it up. "And I was gonna _burn_ it."

"We're on the lookout for three kids who might be reading." Blubs said at the other end of the library.

"We're huntin' them down for secret reasons! Woo!" Durland said, ringing his bell. Dipper, Mabel and I ducked under the table.

"Maybe we should take this elsewhere." Dipper whispered to us.

"This map should lead us to… the Gravity Falls museum of history." Mabel said, as we all snuck out of the library and headed down to the museum.

"You realize what this means, guys. We're gonna have to break. In." Dipper said dramatically. When we walked up to the door, the lady handed us pioneer day passes, and three balloons; one for each of us. "We're in." Dipper said dramatically again. I couldn't help but chuckle at this.

"What are we gonna do next? Steal Thomas Jefferson's rib cage?" Mabel asked.

"Ew. _No._ According to the map, the next clue about the town founder should be right… here!" Dipper said, standing in front of a triangular piece of art. "We have to figure this one out quick. I have a feeling those cops weren't at the library to check out books." Dipper said.

"I don't think the one with the bell can read." Mabel said.

"So, what is it anyway?" Dipper thought out loud.

Mabel went over to the bench and sat down, trying to figure it out, changing positions. "Hey, painting. Be less stupid." Mabel said, turning herself upside-down. "It worked!"

"Huh?" Dipper asked confused, before running over and turning himself upside-down as well, as I did the same, and it was revealed to be an upside-down piece of art depicting an angel statue. "Wait! It's not abstract, it's upside-down!"

"I think I've seen that statue in the cemetery." Mabel said.

"Let's go, quick!" Dipper said, as we all got up. Dipper and Mabel got up so quickly that they got a head rush as the blood that had pooled in their head rushed back down. I didn't seem to suffer that head rush even though I got up just as quickly. We all ran out of the place, with me running more slowly, and ran right past the cops, who tried to chase us, but when trying to go out the doors at the same time, they got stuck together in the door. I slowed down to a walk after they got stuck, but Dipper and Mabel kept running for a little bit longer, before they realized that the cops weren't chasing us anymore, and they slowed to a walk as well, and we arrived at the cemetery. "The statue must be pointing to the next clue." Dipper mused.

"Aw, gross! She's picking my nose!" Mabel said, who had positioned her nose on the statue's finger as she began laughing, when the shift in weight of her head bent the statue's finger, opening up a secret passageway under the statue.

"Guys, look!" Dipper said.

"Ha! Who's silly now, Pacifica?" Mabel said, trying to get down, but forgot to remove her nose from the finger, causing a painful sensation as she pulled her nose off and we all walked into the passageway. "Now we're getting into real conspiracy mode. I feel so serious." Mabel said, eating another piece of butterscotch.

"Okay. Look out for booby traps." Dipper said.

"Ha! Booby traps." Mabel laughed, before she accidentally stepped onto a button on the floor, triggering a dart to fly right by our faces, as several more darts began shooting out of holes in the wall.

"Tranquilizer darts!" Dipper exclaimed, pulling Mabel and running through the area, somehow avoiding every dart. I wasn't quite so lucky when I ran through, though. When we got to the end of the tunnel, we all tripped on the same rock, sliding down the tunnel into a room.

"It's a treasure trove of historic-y secret-y things." Mabel said, looking at some documents. "Oh, man. Ben Franklin secretly _was_ a woman."

"Hey, jackpot!" Dipper said, shining his flashlight on a folder labeled "The Northwest Cover-Up.

I could feel myself begin to lose consciousness from the darts as I tried to pull them out, but before I could get to the last one, I had blacked out and fell on the floor as I heard Dipper and Mabel's worried shouts as I faded into unconsciousness.

...

Hey guys; Dipper here. So, Nathan asked me to write down all that happened while he was unconscious from the tranquilizer darts. Mabel and I had heard a soft thud behind us and saw Nathan passed out on the floor with a couple of darts sticking out of him and several more on the ground next to him. It looks like he tried to pull the darts out but didn't get them all out before he fell unconscious, so Mabel and I pulled out the last few darts sticking out of him.

Mabel and I dragged Nathan over with us, and I read from the documents I had found earlier. "'Let it be here recorded that Nathaniel Northwest, fabled founder of Gravity Falls, was, in fact, a fraud! As well as a… waste-shoveling village idiot.'" I laughed at this funny new information. "Oh, bad news for Pacifica. Wait'll the papers hear about this."

"Once people see that I uncovered a historical conspiracy, they could never call me silly!" Mabel said.

"'The true founder of Gravity Falls was Sir Lord, Quentin Trembley, III, Esquire.'" I read.

"Who's Quentin Trembley?" My sister asked in confusion. I was about to answer when suddenly a bright light shone at us from behind.

"That's none of your business!" Sheriff Blubs said, who had apparently followed us here.

"Woo! We got'cha! Woo! Woo-hoo, woo-hoo…" Durland, who had been ringing his bell, passed out on the floor, revealing that he also had been hit with some darts.

"He got hit with quite a few of those darts." Sheriff Blubs said.

"Yeah, so did our friend Nathan over here." I said, gesturing to Nathan, still passed out on the floor.

"I hate to do this, but Quentin Trembley's a matter of national security." Blubs said.

"What do you mean national security?" I asked.

"And who is Quentin Trembley, anyway?" Mabel asked. At this time, I heard Nathan beginning to wake up.

...

"And who is Quentin Trembley, anyway?" Mabel asked as I woke up from the darts.

"See for yourself." Blubs said, taking off his hat and pulling out a dusty old film reel and putting it in the nearby projector.

"Aw, black and white?" Mabel complained.

"Shh; Mabel!" Dipper told her.

 _"If you're watching this, then you are one of eight people in these United States with clearance to view this information. In fact, I myself will be shot as soon as the filming is complete. What? No? Ha; well that's a relief. Of all of America's secrets, the most embarrassing was that of Quentin Trembley, the eighth and a half president of the United States."_

"President?!" The twins gasped.

"Eighth and a half?" Mabel said confused.

 _"After winning the 1837 election in a landslide, Quentin Trembley quickly gained a reputation as America's silliest president. He waged war on pancakes, appointed 6 babies to the supreme court, and issued the de-pants-ipation proclamation. His state of the union speech was even worse. 'The only thing we have to fear is gigantic, man-eating spiders!' He was kicked out of office and escaped to an uncharted valley he named Gravity Falls after plummeting into it at high speed. Trembley's shameful term was erase from history and officially replaced by William Henry Harrison as president and local nobody Nathaniel Northwest as founder of Gravity Falls. The whereabouts of president Trembley's body are unknown."_

"Until now." Blubs said, gesturing to Trembley, frozen inside of a block of peanut brittle.

"Whoa!" Dipper exclaimed. "Is that, like, amber or something?" Dipper asked.

"The fool thought he could live forever by encasing himself in a block of solid peanut brittle." Blubs explained. "Smooth move, Mr. President! Finding Trembley's body was our special mission. And now, thanks to you, it's complete."

"Who knew all we had to do was follow a little girl's trail of candy wrappers?" Durland said, holding up a wrapper.

"Ohh, silly…" Mabel said.

"Now that you know the truth, well… we can't let you go around talking about it." Blubs said.

"Does that mean—?"

"Are you gonna kill us?!" Mabel asked.

"Oh no!" Durland yelled, horrified.

"Now, now, calm down now, buddy, calm down. We're just gonna escort you and all this stuff back to Washington." Blubs explained. "You ain't coming back, by the way."

Then they escorted us onto a train and hauled Trembley onto the train as well. Dipper and Mabel began pounding on the side of the crate in an attempt to get out. "Oh, I can't believe I left a trail of candy wrappers. This is all my fault." Mabel said. "Pacifica had me pegged all along. I'm just a silly failure like that embarrassing president what's-his-name." Mabel said, grabbing a piece of peanut brittle and eating it, causing the entire block to crumble and fall apart, freeing Trembley.

"It is I, Quentin Trembley!" Trembley said, ripping his pants off.

"You're alive! But, how?" Dipper said.

"Peanut Brittle really _does_ have life-sustaining properties!" Mabel said. "You're not silly, you're brilliant!"

"And so are you, dear girl, for following my clues and freeing me from my delicious tomb!" Trembley said.

"He's right! Making maps into hats, hanging upside-down; your silliness solved the code that serious cops couldn't crack in 100 years!" Dipper said.

"Oh, stop it."

"By Jefferson!" Trembley exclaimed. "We seem to be trapped in some sort of crate-shaped box!"

"It's a crate, Mr. President!" Mabel said.

"Good thing I have the president's key, which can open up any lock in America!" Tremble said, taking out said key and trying to stick it into the wood, but failing, since it had no lock. "Wood! My age-old enemy…." Trembley said. "In order to get out of here, this is going to take—" I just simply walked over to the plank with a hole in it and kicked it down, causing the entire crate to collapse.

"That works." Dipper said.

"Well, we didn't come up with a plan." Trembley said. "Let's rebuild the box and try again!"

"We have to get out of here!" Dipper said.

"Also good!" Trembley said, following us. Dipper opened the door to see Durland getting some ice. Durland saw us, and called Blubs over. Dipper quickly slammed the door shut and we rushed over to the emergency exit and climbed up the ladder onto the roof of the train running to the other side; the cops following close behind.

"There is… no… escape…" Blubs panted. "I gotta take a knee."

"Are you okay? Can I get you anything?" Durland asked him.

"Edwin Durland, you are a diamond in the rough." Blubs said.

"Sheriff Blubs, do you really want to lock us all up in a government facility somewhere?" Dipper said.

"I've got no choice. Our orders come from the very top!" Blubs said.

"Wait! Quentin, did you ever sign an official resignation?" Dipper asked.

"No, sir! I ate a salamander and jumped out the window!" Trembley said.

"Then, technically, you're still legally the president of the United States! Right?" Dipper said. "You've gotta answer to this guy now!"

"As president of these several United States, I hereby order you to pretend none of this ever happened! And go on a delightful vacation." Trembley said, when he got hit in the back of the head by a train signal post. I had ducked to avoid it because I wasn't sure if I would get hit or not. "OW! Nyes."

"Vacation? What place have you always wanted to visit?" Blubs said. "One, two…"

"Silly Water Fun Slides in Grand Lakes, Michigan." Blubs and Durland said simultaneously, laughing.

Then we headed back to Gravity Falls, but not before Trembley made Mabel a congressman, gave Dipper the president's key, and gave me the original copy of the "De-pants-ipation Proclamation". When we got back, We approached Pacifica. "Hey, Pacifica! I uncovered a government conspiracy about the eighth-and-a-half president of the United States! Who's silly now?" Mabel said.

"What? Who _is_ that idiot?!" Pacifica said, pointing to Trembley who was chasing and attempting to fight an eagle.

"The eighth-and-a-half president of America." Mabel said. "I know what you're thinking: 'How is he still alive?' Well, it turns out you can hibernate in peanut brittle and it—"

"Ha ha ha! Wow! You really are a sad, dumb little girl. Nice top hat, by the way." Pacifica mocked. "Ooh! I see your car is stuck in the mud! Enjoy walking home." Pacifica taunted, walking into a limo.

"Aren't you gonna tell her about her eat-gray ampa-gray?" Dipper asked her.

"You know what, Dipper? I've got nothing to prove. I've learned that being silly is awesome." Mabel said, putting her sweater back on.

"Well I haven't learned anything!" Dipper said, whistling for the limo, running up to it, handing Pacifica the documents in his hand. As the limo drove off, I could hear Pacifica yelling as Dipper came running back. "Man, revenge is underrated. That felt awesome!"

"Children, I am needed elsewhere. Just know that I'll always be right here… on the $-12 bill." Trembley said, handing Dipper a $-12 bill with his face on it.

"Whoa." Dipper said, looking at it. "This is worthless!"

"It's less than worthless, my boy! Trembley away!" Trembley said, jumping backwards onto a horse as it ran off.

"Where do you think he's going?" Mabel mused.

"I'm going to say… off a cliff." Dipper said.

Then we headed over to Stan, who was locked up in "ye stocks", and Dipper unlocked the lock with the president's key.

"So what's with the top hat?" Stan asked Mabel.

"I'm a congressman." Mabel said.

"Or is it… a congress _woman_?" I said, eliciting a chiuckle from Dipper and Mabel.

"Pardon me?" Stan said, confused.

"You are officially pardoned." Mabel said, as the twins began laughing again.

"Oy! You are never going to make sense, are you kid?" Stan said.

"No I'm not, Grunkle Stan. No I'm not. Mabel away!" Mabel said, jumping backwards, landing in a pile of various stuff for pioneer day.

With that, I decided to head back to my dimension. But when I got back, I saw that over a half-hour had passed. "Again?" I groaned.


	9. The Time Traveler's Pig

**Chapter 9: The Time Traveler's Pig**

So, now that I'm going to visit Gravity Falls every week now instead of every other week, it was time for the next adventure already. Of course, this meant that there wouldn't be as many "interesting" events between my adventures, but eh, whatever.

Although something rather funny happened at school yesterday. I was in my second period sitting down at my seat before the bell rang, because I have no friends or social life, and apparently, it was a girl named Jessica's birthday, and a girl yelled out, fairly loudly, "Jessica! Happy birthday, •••••!" I am unable to type that word for as I am documenting my adventures, I am supposed to be keeping it PG. Anyway, everyone—including the teacher—began laughing when we heard that.

Anyway, I grabbed my portal remote and arrived at the Mystery Fair which was being constructed—and falling apart.

"There she is, Mabel! The cheapest fair money can rent." Stan said to Mabel. "I spared every expense!" Almost immediately, a snap was heard above followed by screaming that gradually got louder before the sky tram crashed into the ground with Dipper in it.

"I think the sky tram is broken… also, most of my bones." Dipper said.

"Ha hah; this guy!" Stan said, pointing to Dipper as he got out and somewhat limped over next to me and Mabel. "Alright, alright. I got a job for you three. I printed up a bunch of fake safety inspection certificates. Go slap one on anything that looks like a lawsuit." Stan said, handing Dipper a clipboard full of said certificates.

"Grunkle Stan, is that legal?" Mabel asked.

"When there are no cops around, anything's legal!" Stan said, as I started laughing. "Soos! How's that dunk tank coming along?"

"Almost ready to go, Mr. Pines." Soos said, finishing the welding. Stan walked up to the target, punching it and testing it, seeing that it was very sturdy—much more sturdy than the platform is supposed to be.

"Ha! You got it rigged from here to Timbuktu!" Stan said. "There's nothing on _earth_ that could knock me down."

"Yeah, except for like, a futuristic laser arm cannon." Soos replied.

"Hey, you haven't seen my red screwdriver, have ya?" Stan asked, searching for it in his suit. "Darn thing went missing."

"Maybe some magical creature or paranormal thingum took it." Soos said.

"Oy! You've been spending too much time with those kids." Stan said, pointing back at me, Dipper and Mabel. "All right, let's see, um… where'd I put that thing?" Stan mumbled. After a moment of searching, Stan gave up and went inside to grab another screwdriver. Meanwhile, Dipper had decided to head inside the Mystery Shack as well, and was likely going to ask Wendy to go with him to the fair. Later, I met up with Dipper and Wendy as they were buying their question mark shaped corn dogs.

"How do they get them into this shape?" Dipper said, admiring the shape of the corn dog. "It's unnatural."

"But Dipper, they're so… delicious?" Wendy said, putting her corn dog up so that the sign above read "Delicious?" instead of "Delicious" as they laughed, before some mustard spilled onto Wendy's sleeve. "Aw, boo. I'll be right back." Wendy said, heading off.

"I'll be right here!" Dipper said, laughing. "I love you." Dipper whispered, quietly enough that she couldn't hear it.

"Look at you two; getting all romantic at the fair." Mabel said, walking up with cotton candy in her hands.

"Psh; come on. It's no big deal." Dipper said.

"Yeah it is." Mabel said.

"Okay you're right, it is!" Dipper said excitedly. "Isn't this amazing? I just dove in! I said, 'Hey! You wanna hang out at the fair?', and you know what she said?! 'Yeah, I guess so.'! It totally worked! All your advice about just going for it; it's finally paying off!" Dipper said, somewhat ranting.

"When are you gonna learn Dipper? I'm always right about everything." Mabel said confidently, before pausing for a moment. "Hey. Do you smell a gallon of body spray?" She asked, before Robbie walked up.

"Hey. Any of you dorks seen Wendy around?" Robbie asked.

"Who wants to know?" Dipper said, somewhat coldly. Robbie reached for Mabel's cotton candy, but I blocked his path.

"Yeah, I got some new super tight jeans. Thought she might wanna check 'em out." Robbie said, showing off his jeans.

"Yeah, you know I think I saw her in the bottomless pit. You should really go jump in there." Dipper said.

"Maybe I will, smart guy." Robbie glared, starting to head off, trying to harshly elbow Dipper, but I caught his elbow before it made contact. Robbie glared at me before walking off.

"He is such a jerk." Mabel said simply.

"Yeah, but he's a jerk with tight pants and a guitar. I need to keep him away from Wendy at all costs." Dipper said.

"Don't worry, brother. Whatever happens, I'll be right here, supporting you every step of th— _oh my gosh a pig!_ " Mabel said, dropping her cotton candy and running off upon seeing a poster advertising a game to win a pig.

"Well, that happened." Dipper said, somewhat dejectedly.

"Hey, man. Thanks for waiting for me." Wendy said, walking back up to us.

"Wendy!" Dipper said. "Uh, hey!"

"Hey look at that." I said, pointing over to the ball-toss booth.

"Whoa! Check it out!" Wendy said. "I don't know if it's a duck or a panda, but I want one."

"My uncle taught me the secret to these games." Dipper said. "You aim for the carny's head and take the prize while he's unconscious."

"Heh heh heh, nice." Wendy laughed.

"One ball, please." Dipper said, handing a ticket to the carny.

"You only get one chance." He said, handing Dipper a ball.

Wendy gave him an encouraging thumbs-up, and Dipper threw the ball, which bounced off of the wooden platform the bottles were on and hurtling right towards Wendy, striking her in the eye. "Ow! My eye!" Wendy said, grabbing her eye.

"Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! Wendy, are you okay?!" Dipper asked.

"Does it look swollen?" Wendy asked simply, removing her hand and revealing her new black eye, causing Dipper to panic.

"Everything's gonna be fine! Don't worry! I'll… I'll go grab some ice!" Dipper said, running off, grabbing a bag of ice, and running back before bumping into the time traveler Blendin, dropping the ice, hurriedly scooping it back into the bag, and was just a few feet away when he noticed Robbie holding a sno-cone on Wendy's eye.

"Robbie, that's really sweet. The gesture, and the flavored syrup." Wendy said.

"Yeah, I was just here in the right place at the right time.' Robbie said. Dipper cringed in fear. "You know, I've been meaning to ask you…. We've been spending a lot of time together, and I was wondering if maybe you wanted to go out with me?" Robbie asked. Dipper cringed in even more fear.

"Yeah, I guess so." Wendy said. Dipper's mouth hung open in horror. He didn't even seem to notice Mabel walking up with her new pig.

"Look, Dipper! I won my pet pig!" Mabel said, holding said pig. "His name is Waddles. I call him that because he waddles. Waddles!"

"Everything is different now…" Dipper mumbled, barely acknowledging Mabel.

"What're you looking at?" Mabel asked. Dipper simply pointed to Wendy and Robbie, who were getting onto the tunnel of love and corn dogs. "Oh…" Mabel said, also cringing. Dipper spent the rest of the day laying on the slopey toss. Mabel would come by often, trying to cheer him up.

"Mabel, do you ever wish you could go back and undo just one mistake?" Dipper said finally.

"Nope! I do everything right all the time." Mabel said, playing with Waddles.

"I mean, Wendy only went out with Robbie because he was there with the ice, and she only needed ice because of the baseball, and I would've _had_ the ice if it wasn't for— that guy!" Dipper ranted, suddenly spotting Blendin, the guy he ran into earlier, and pointing at him accusingly. "Hey, you! Tool belt! You ruined my life!" Dipper yelled at him accusingly.

"Huh?" He said.

"Don't 'huh' me, I've seen you before!" Dipper said. "What's your deal? Are you following us around?"

"And why are you bald? What's that all about?" Mabel asked.

"Aah! My position has been compromised!" Blendin said panicked. "Assuming stealth mode! Color match! Initiating color match! Come on! Dang it!" He said, trying to blend in, taking out a screwdriver and trying to fix his camouflage device.

"That's amazing! Are you from the future or something?" Mabel asked in wonder.

"Uh, no! Wh-who told you that?!" Blendin asked, panicked. "Memory wipe!" Blendin yelled, throwing something at Mabel's face, as she took it off and looked at it.

"This is a baby wipe." Mabel said.

"All right, you've cornered me." Blendin said, sitting down. "I'm… a time traveler."

"So wait a minute, if you're from the future, do you have, like, a time machine or something?" Dipper asked, having dropped his angry demeanor.

"That's… kinda how it works." Blendin said, shrugging.

"Could I borrow it?" Dipper asked, having a big eager smile on his face.

Blendin's defeated mood immediately turned into one of firm resolve. "Absolutely not!" Blendin said.

"Please?" Dipper asked. "I just need to go back by, like, six hours so I can fix a mistake I made."

"No way." Blendin said.

"Come on! Can I use your time machine just once?" Dipper pleaded.

"Out of the question!" Blendin said. "You know, this is sensitive, extremely complicated time equipment!" Blendin said, taking it out, which was what appeared to be a tape measure and pulling the tape out.

"It looks like a tape measure." Dipper said simply.

"You shut your time mouth!" Blendin said, pointing at Dipper, who was completely unfazed by this.

"Is this making any sense to you?" Dipper asked us.

"I think he's just crazy." Mabel stage-whispered back.

"Oh, you don't believe me?" Blendin said, pulling out the tape, releasing it, an disappearing in a flash before reappearing seconds later in a costume. "Guess where I was?"

"Whoa!" Dipper and Mabel said.

"That's right. 15 years ago there was a costume store right here." Blendin said. "One second." He said, going back to return the costume, most likely, before reappearing again, back in his first outfit, although he was a bit on fire now. "Aw, heck. Pat. Pat down." He said, patting out the fire.

"So, who are you again?" Mabel asked.

"Blendin Blandin. Time anomaly removal crew year 207̃012. My mission is to stop a series of time anomalies that are supposed to happen at this very location." Blendin explained. "But-but I don't see any anomalies. I don't know if it's some kind of paradox, or if I'm just really tired…"

"You know, you sound like you could use a break." Dipper said.

"Definitely, definitely." Mabel said. "Might we recommend one of the various attractions at the Mystery Fair?" Mabel offered, holding out a couple of tickets.

"You know what? What the heck. I'm worth it!" Blendin said, taking the tickets and heading off. "But I've got my eye on you." He said, walking over to the barrel ride and handing Soos a ticket. "One, please."

"Uh, sorry dude, but you're gonna have to take your belt off for the ride." Soos said. "One of your tools might fly off and accidentally fix something."

"Guard it with your life!" Blendin said, handing it to Soos and getting in the ride.

"I will watch it like a hawk, dude." Soos said, setting it down on the nearby barrel, only for Dipper to immediately grab it without either of them noticing. "Like a hawk!"

We headed inside, and Dipper set it down on the table. "Here it is, guys. Our ticket to any moment in history." Dipper said.

"Let's go get two dodos and force them to make out!" Mabel said.

"No! We gotta be smart about this. All that paradox talk kinda freaked me out." Dipper said. "All I'm gonna do is go back and fix my one mistake. If I don't miss that baseball throw, I won't hit Wendy in the eye, and Robbie won't comfort her, and they won't start going out."

"I'm coming too." Mabel said. "I wanna relive the greatest moment of my life: winning Waddles." Mabel said, giving the pig an affectionate kiss and rubbing his head. Dipper pulled out the tape and looked at it, which said 6 hours.

"See you later." Dipper said to Waddles.

"See you _earlier_!" Mabel and I said simultaneously. "Yuk yuk yuk!" Mabel said, before Dipper, Mabel and I high-fived, as the tape sent us back in time. It was rather instantaneous, and Dipper had to pat out a small fire on his hat. We headed outside, seeing that it was now noon again, as Stan advertise the opening of the dunk tank (again).

"Do-over?" Dipper said.

"Do-over!" Mabel said, running off to win Waddles (again). Dipper and I headed off and met up with Wendy.

"Hey, Wendy!" Dipper greeted.

"There you are! Hey, what happened to your hat?" Wendy said, talking about the slight burn mark on his hat from travelling in time.

"Uh, nothing. Hey! Look, what's that?" Dipper said, pointing to the ball toss stand.

"Whoa! Check it out!" Wendy said (again). "I don't know if it's a duck or a panda, but I want one."

"One ball, please." Dipper said, handing (another) one of his tickets to the carny.

"You only get one chance."

"That's what you think." Dipper said. "One panda-duck coming right up." Dipper said, before muttering to himself and throwing the ball. This time, it did knock over the bottles, but it still ricochet back and hit Wendy in the eye as she grabbed her eye in pain (again). "What?!"

"Does it look swollen?" Wendy asked (again). This time, instead of running off to get the ice again, Dipper just stood there, dumbfounded, until he heard Robbie come, comfort Wendy, ask her out, and as she said "Yeah, I guess so.", Dipper stood there with an irritated look on his face. Mabel came up with Waddles and had begun feeding him a caramel apple.

"The exact same thing happened twice. It was spooky." Dipper said.

"Ooh, maybe it's a time curse." Mabel said. "Waddles, can you say 'time curse'?" Mabel asked Waddles, before he oinked, as it vaguely sounded like "time curse" and Mabel squealed, picking up Waddles. "Your face is so fat!" Mabel said, affectionately squishing Waddles' face.

"Is it possible that the forces of time naturally conspire to undo any new outcomes?" Dipper wondered aloud. "No, no. I just need to try again. Third time's the charm."

"How hard can it be?" Mabel said, as Dipper pulled out the tape to 5 minutes, and we all made physical contact long enough for all of us to go back. For roughly the next "hour", the process repeated of Dipper accidentally hitting Wendy in the eye somehow as Mabel continually won Waddles over and over again, albeit slightly different each time, but still with the same general outcome. After about 20 tries, Dipper went back an extra 10 minutes so he could try and mathematically calculate a way to get a different outcome on the popcorn machine. "Face it, Dipper. You're obviously fated to have a bad day at the fair." Mabel said. "Just like I'm fated to be with Waddles."

"It's like there's one variable missing." Dipper muttered to himself.

"What's a variable?" Mabel asked, poking her head up on the other side of the popcorn machine.

"That's it!" Dipper exclaimed. "I figured out a way to win the toss, not hit Wendy, and stop Wendy and Robbie from going out!"

"Awesome! I'm gonna go win my pig again." Mabel said, starting to head off, before Dipper stopped her.

"Whoa, whoa whoa! You can't leave. I need you for my plan." Dipper said.

"But, what about Waddles?" Mabel asked.

"It'll just take a few minutes! Let's go!" Dipper said, pulling her off, much to Mabel's sudden surprise.

After a few minutes of setup and explaining, Mabel was ready to go with her part of Dipper's plan, as Dipper and I were back in front of the ball toss booth with Wendy yet again. After a few seconds of Dipper preparing himself, Wendy was starting to wonder what was going on.

"Are you gonna go, man?" Wendy asked him. Dipper threw the ball way up high, soaring above the tent. "Aw, dude, you missed." Wendy said.

"Did I?" Dipper said simply, pointing up at the ball as it intricately ricochet off of several objects around the fair before eventually crashing into the bottles, knocking them down, as the ball flew up through the roof of the tent. The carnie handed Wendy the stuffed creature, much to their delight.

"Awesome!" Wendy said, looking at Dipper, who took off his hat, holding it out as it caught the baseball.

"There you are, Wendy." Robbie said, walking up to us.

"Hi, Robbie." Wendy greeted.

"So, I was wondering if, uh, you, uh…" Robbie said, trailing off.

"Look what Dipper got for me." Wendy said, showing Robbie the stuffed creature that Dipper had won for her, as Dipper peeked out from behind Wendy, smiling.

"Psh; whatever. Can't even tell what species it is. Stupid." Robbie said, pulling his hood up over his head, pulling the strings so that only his nose was sticking out, and walking away.

"What's his deal?" Wendy said. "Looks like I came to the fair with the right guy." Wendy said. Dipper looked back and gave a thumbs-up to Mabel.

"Anytime, broseph." Mabel said, returning the thumbs-up, as Dipper and Wendy headed off while I stayed behind, deciding to let him enjoy his few moments with Wendy before they ended. "Now, to win my pig." Mabel said to herself, beginning to head off, before gasping in horror. Pacifica had won the pig before Mabel could get there, as the guy handed Waddles to Pacifica while Mabel ran off screaming, drawing the attention of some of the people there, while I had headed off to the tunnel of love and corn dogs ahead of time, not wanting to run.

I got there just in _time_ as Dipper and Wendy got off of the corn dog to get some funnel cake, but Dipper paused upon hearing Mabel screaming, thinking it might've been something in his ear at first as Mabel ran up, still screaming, startling Dipper when Mabel stopped right in front of him, still screaming. "What's wr—" Dipper tries to ask when Mabel pauses her screaming, but Mabel cuts Dipper off. Mabel pauses her screaming again. "Mabel, what—" Mabel cuts Dipper off again, before she finally stops screaming. "I'll just wait until you're done." Dipper said.

"I'm done." Mabel said.

"Okay. What is wrong?" Dipper asks.

"We messed up the timeline!" Mabel said. "Pacifica saw the flier and won Waddles before I did. She took Waddles, Dipper!"

"Oh, Mabel, I'm sorry." Dipper said.

"It's okay, we just need to go back and do things differently." Mabel said, snatching the time tape out of Dipper's hand, who snatched it back.

"Mabel! Wait, look. I did the math. In any other timeline, Wendy ends up going out with Robbie." Dipper said. "I can't mess this day up again."

"But if we don't go, then I'll lose Waddles forever!" Mabel said, lunging for the time tape, as the two fought over it, before the two fell over onto me, knocking the three of us down as the tape landed in a passing corn dog with them still holding onto the tape before it flung back, sending the three of us back in time as we landed in a dirt road.

"When are we?" Dipper asked.

"The real question is ' _when_ are we?'." Mabel said. "Oh, wait. Did you already…?"

"Yeah, I already…"

"Cause I was gonna…"

"Yeah. Same thing."

"All right."

"Do you hear that?" Dipper said, hearing some rumbling as it gradually got louder, which turned out to be a stampede. The three of us began running, before we fell off a cliff and into a covered wagon.

"Where are we? The 70's?" Mabel asked.

"You sent us back 150 years, genius! It's pioneer times!" Dipper said.

"By Trembley!" The wagon driver exclaimed suddenly. "Fertilia! It seems you've given birth to three more children!"

"It appears I have." A pregnant-looking woman said, with six children with her. "More little hands to render the tallow."

"Tallow? What?" Mabel said, giving a confused smile.

"Her mouth is filled with silver, mother." One of the kids said.

"These are called braces." Mabel said.

"Mabel, we can't start messing with the past." Dipper whispered to her.

"Oh, says the guy who messed with the past all day and cost me my pig?" Mabel said accusingly. "I'll mess with whatever I want! Check it out! A magic button machine!" Mabel said, handing the kid a calculator. "Shoes that blink!" Mabel said, stomping her foot, s the lights on it blinked. "Hey, sister. Guess who gets to vote in the future? Ladies! Up top." Mabel said to the woman, high-fiving her. "That's called a high five! Teach it to your friends."

"Gimme that!" Dipper said, swiping the time tape from Mabel. "I'm gonna set the timeline right."

"Wait! No!" Mabel cried out, reaching for the tape. I made sure to make contact with them before they left. We appeared in front of a dinosaur, which roared and tried to eat us, but Mabel got us out in the nick of _time_. We reappeared in the very distant future, and a laser struck right between my legs, missing me by millimeters as the three of us jumped, and some people were fearfully running away from and shooting at Time Baby, a giant floating baby with a very deep laugh as it shot a laser from its eyes. "This future seems neat." Mabel said, before Dipper grabbed the tape and got us sent back to the fishing adventure. What followed was a bit of running through time before the machine overheated and we appeared in a pitch black area. "Where are we?" Mabel asked.

"It's nothing but inky blackness for miles." Dipper said. "Mabel, don't you see? We've transported to the end of time!" Dipper panicked, as him and Mabel alternated between screaming. I simply opened the door of the porta-toilet that we were in, and Dipper and Mabel simply laughed somewhat sheepishly as we all got out.

"Look, we're back in the present." Mabel said.

"But _which_ present?" Dipper asked. We looked around and saw that it was the most "recent" present; the one where Dipper won the ball toss and Mabel lost Waddles. Mabel immediately tried to grab the time tape again, chasing him before Dipper climbed up on top of the porta-toilet. "Look, Mabel, it's over, okay? Give it up!" Dipper said. "I've worked too hard to lose this!"

"But what about Waddles? He was my soulmate!" Mabel said.

"You said that about a ball of yarn once!" Dipper said. "Do you really want Wendy to date Robbie?"

"I don't know…" Mabel said, looking at a picture of her and waddles before walking over to the nearby totem pole and repeatedly bonked her head on it.

"You're not guilt-tripping me, Mabel. Not this time." Dipper said. "Come on Mabel, I know you. You're gonna forget about this in a day. Here! Hey, I'll prove it." Dipper said, pulling the time tape and going forward a day as I went as well, leaving Mabel behind. "See?" Dipper said, before opening his eyes and seeing Mabel still banging her head on the pole. "Okay, maybe you'll forget in a week." Dipper said, pulling the tape out, as him an I went forward a week. Mabel was still banging her head on the pole. "A month. She'll be better in a month." Dipper said, as we went forward a month. She was still banging her head against the pole, now with vines curled around her. Soos was leading a tour, and it was made clear that Mabel had deteriorated to part of the scenery as "Miserable Mabel".

Finally having had enough, Dipper finally decided to make the sacrifice to give up his perfect timeline for Mabel's sake as him and I went back as we were in front of the ball toss booth again. "Wendy, I just wanted to say that… well, I just wanted to say that people make mistakes. And when they do, you should forgive them. And also that tight pants are overrated." Dipper said.

"Dude, you lost me." Wendy said.

"I know…." Dipper sighed. "One ball, please." Dipper said, handing a ticket to the carny.

"You only get one chance."

Dipper simply threw the ball, bouncing off like the first time, and hurtling towards Wendy's eye. This time, I decided to intervene and caught the ball with my hand before it could hit her. "Whoa! That was close." Wendy said.

"Just so you know, Wendy, I know for a fact that Dipper did not want what was about to happen, happen." I said. Dipper, however, seemed a bit irritated with me.

"Why didn't you do that all the other times?!" Dipper asked me in a whisper. I realize he was right; I _could_ have intervened all the other times. I just smile sheepishly at him as he glares at me. Meanwhile, Robbie had already asked Wendy out and she had already agreed. Before Dipper could say anything else though, Mabel tackled him into the ground in a hug.

"Dipper! Thank you thank you thank you thank you!" Mabel exclaimed, embracing him in a bear hug as Waddles oinked in what vaguely sounded like "thank you". "He's saying 'thank you' in pig! Aren't you, Waddles?" Mabel said as Waddles oinked some more while Pacifica walked by with a chicken pecking at her.

"I couldn't break your heart, Mabel." Dipper told her. "Besides, there's no way Wendy can date Robbie all summer, right?"

"Don't worry, they _will_ end up breaking up later on." I said. "In about 2-3 weeks or so." I said, guessing based on how long it is between this "episode" and the "Boyz Crazy" "episode".

"You three!" Blendin exclaimed suddenly, snatching the tape from Dipper. "Do you have any idea how many rules you've just broke?! I'm asking. I wasn't there with you. It was probably a lot, right?" Then two more guys appeared and snatched Blendin's time tape.

"Our phones have been ringing off the hook!" One of them said. "There's settlers high-fiving in the 1800's, and calculators littered through 8 centuries!""

"You are under arrest for violation of the time traveler's code of conduct." The other one said.

"I-it was those kids!" Blendin pleaded. "And their leader Waddles!"

"That's a pig, Blendin."

"I'll-I'll get you for this! I-I-I'll go back in time and make sure your parents never meet!" Blendin threatened.

"Well, we're still here." Dipper said after a few seconds.

"Guess he forgot to go back." Mabel said.

"Or maybe he just didn't have the _time_!" I quipped, as we all began laughing. I went back through the portal before remembering I hadn't seen Robbie get humiliated yet, so I came back just in time to see Waddles charging at Robbie, causing him to run away as he dropped his caramel apple which is what Waddles was really after, as he backed up into a table, spilling hot water on his pants as they shrunk painfully until he fell over in pain as everyone at the entire fair laughed at him, including me Dipper, Mabel, and Wendy.

"That'll do pig. That'll do." Dipper said, thankful for this small victory at the least as I headed back into the portal again. This time, it was two minutes _earlier_ than when I left, which was very weird.


	10. Fight Fighters

**Chapter 10: Fight Fighters**

Remember how I was supposed to be visiting Gravity Falls every week? Well, I had some heavy emotional baggage that weighed down on me especially hard the day before I was supposed to visit again. I kinda have some emotional baggage on me all the time, but it was especially burdensome then. So I had to take a break to recollect myself so I was more clear-headed.

Then, after six weeks since my last adventure, I had finally reached a point where I was emotionally stable, so I decided I'd go again that Saturday. However, the very next day, I had another emotional train wreck. But, that same day, I also realized that this world truly doesn't care about people or their emotions. That included me. Besides, what can a simple 16-year-old boy like me do that would have any significance in the world? So I decided that I would go on the adventure anyway; regardless of my emotional state, so that you guys could continue to read and enjoy my adventures. This will also apply to all of my future adventures as well; I will go on the adventure and publish it regardless of my emotional stability. Those who were eagerly awaiting me to post another adventure, I would like to apologize for the long wait, but rest assured it will not happen again, even if I need the break.

I would, however, like to thank my readers LumpyApple and thenormalperson for the supportive reviews when I had posted the notice of me going on break and why I was doing it.

So, anyway, events since my last visit… well, the most interesting thing that happened is that my school had caught on fire. From what I heard, some students in the kitchen had left some grease in a frying pan unattended on the stove, and it caught fire. It was a very small fire though; it didn't go outside of the kitchen and the fire department was there very quickly. And then an incident that prevented me from going last week; my mom says that I was on my phone at 1 am last Friday night—the night before I was originally going to end my hiatus. However, this couldn't have been the case. I don't remember any of what she claims to have happened at all, and what I do remember is I got very tired at around 10:30 and falling asleep shortly after. On top of that, when I got my phone to call my mom and talk to her about it, what popped up was YouTube—at the end of a 30 minute video. If what my mom says happened had actually happened—she says I heard her coming up the stairs and hid my phone—then I wouldn't have been at the very end of a half-hour video. I explained this to my mom… and she changed the reason I was grounded from "I was on my phone in bed" to "I had my phone in the bed". Oh, and I also had all that depression stuff going on I mentioned earlier. My emotions are fragile and I suffer from a very low self-esteem, after all.

Anyway, having deciding to put an end to the eight week gap since my last adventure, I grabbed my portal remote and entered Gravity Falls for the first time in over a month and a half. When I went through the other side, I was in the Gravity Falls Arcade. It was time for some video game madness.

"This is it, dudes. My favorite place in Gravity Falls." Soos said, introducing the arcade to Stan and Mabel. "A frog taught me how to cross a street. When my house was haunted, I learned how to eat ghosts. And this thing taught me how to dance." Soos said, walking by this dimension's versions of Frogger and Pac-Man, then gesturing to an out-of-order dancing video game with McGucket dancing out it.

"Woo hoo-hoo, haha! I've been jigging for seven days straight!" McGucket said.

"Uh… Soos?" Mabel said, picking up the chord.

"Let him have this." Soos said, gently pushing Mabel's hand down, signalling to just ignore it for now.

I began wandering around, eventually finding an area with a bunch of out-of-order arcade games, where Dipper and Wendy were playing on the only working one in the area; Fight Fighters. After watching them for a bit, Dipper won the match. I sneaked up behind Dipper and, in perfect timing with the game, yelled out "WINNERS DON'T LOSE!", scaring Dipper so much he jumped up in the air, screaming. Wendy, however, just laughed as the second round began.

"I'm gonna punch the ref." Wendy said, as her and Dipper punched the air to where it looked like they were attacking the ref. After a little bit, Robbie came up.

"Wendyyyy. What's up, babe?" Robbie said. Wendy smiled, Dipper frowned, and I cringed at the word 'babe'. "Yeah, just puttin' up some flyers for my band. I'm lead guitar; no biggie." Robbie said, holding up a poster with Robbie angrily pointing at whoever's reading it with the captions 'You're dead!' on it.

"Are you wearing mascara?" Dipper asked, spotting the painted dark rings around Robbie's eyes on the poster.

"Uh, it's eye paint for men." Robbie said, as though it were obvious.

"Oh, hey Robbie. Dipper was just showing me this great game, and Nathan pulled a hilarious prank on Dipper." Wendy said, making Dipper slightly embarrassed.

"Ha, yeah, sweet, sweet." Robbie said, barely paying attention to what Wendy said, then pushing me and Dipper out of his way. "Hey, how's about you sit this one out, 'kay, champ?" Robbie said as he cracked his knuckles.

"But… we just _started_ this round." Dipper said.

"Whoa whoa whoa, hey, relax, man. I'm just trying to spend a little time with my _girlfriend_ , alright?" Robbie said defensively, putting extra emphasis on the word 'girlfriend'.

"It'll just be one round." Wendy said, as the round began, and Wendy and Robbie began talking. "So, hey, I'm going camping tomorrow with my dad, so I won't be around." Wendy said, as Dipper watched in the distance, slightly upset.

"Oh, cool, cool. Oh yeah!" Robbie said, paying more attention to the game as he got a good combo in as the two began laughing. Robbie wrapped an arm around Wendy and pulled her slightly closer and glared back at Dipper before turning back to the game. Of course, with Gravity Falls' weirdness and uncanny timing, the game blared out "OPPONENT SIGHTED! FIGHT!" as Dipper narrowed his eyes. The rest of the day consisted of Robbie and Wendy playing Fight Fighters as Dipper watched angrily, then gradually became upset instead, eventually deciding to just play another game before we headed back to the shack.

The next day, I woke up on the chair in the Mystery Shack to see Dipper, Mabel, Stan and Soos playing a card game. I only know a few card games like Solitaire and Poker so I can't pretend to know what they were playing. Mabel then revealed her cards in her hand to be two kings. "King me." Mabel said, causing everyone else to moan at seemingly another loss as she pulled in the entire pile of Chipackerz: The Chip-flavored Crackers! on the table.

"It's not fair. She doesn't even know what we're playing!" Stan complained.

"Go-Fish?" Mabel guessed. Shortly after, the shack began shaking with the sound of some music coming in.

"Dude. I think I'm picking up a radio station inside my head." Soos said, checking his ear to see if it might've been something in there.

"Try blinking to see if you can change the channel." Mabel said. Soos did, blinking a few times, before we heard a voice.

"Weeendyyy!"

"Ugh; sounds like Robbie." Dipper said.

"Robbie?" Stan asked. "Is he that jerky twerp I see making goo-goo eyes at Wendy all the time?"

"Yup. That would be him." I said.

"He called me 'big dude' once." Soos said. "I mean, I know I'm a big dude, but it kinda hurt."

"Should I sic Waddles on him again?" Mabel asked, petting said pig, which began chewing on her sleeve. "Whoa! Easy, tiger!"

Suddenly, Dipper stood up with a determined look on his face. "I'll handle it." Dipper said, walking off, causing the others to oooh!.

"Conflict!" Stan said as Dipper walked outside, and I walked over to the window to watch.

"Wendyy! Wendy, Wendy!" Robbie 'sung', playing his guitar as Dipper walked up to him. "Wendy! Come on out, girl! Come on down!" Robbie yelled, somehow not noticing Dipper right in front of him.

"You realize she's not here, right?" Dipper said, finally getting Robbie's attention.

"Psh, yes. …What?"

"She's out camping with her family today." Dipper said. "Maybe if you'd listened to her for once, you'd know that." Dipper mumbled.

"What was that?" Robbie said threateningly.

"I just said she's not here." Dipper said.

"No, no, no. You want to get into it, huh? Let's get into it, kid." Robbie challenged. "You think I don't know what's been going on, huh? It's obvious you've got a thing for my girlfriend, don't you? _Don't_ you?" Robbie said, advancing towards Dipper as he backed up.

"What?! No! Come on, man!" Dipper said, his confidence gone.

"Yeah. I'm sure she's just _dying_ to ask out a 12-year-old kid who wears the exact same shorts everyday." Robbie taunted. "Hey, here's an idea: why don't I call her right now and see if she wants to go out on a date with you." Robbie said, pulling his phone out and typing in a number.

"Hey, look, don't. Y-y-y-you don't have to." Dipper said, panicking now.

" _Don't, please, man._ What're you gonna do? Huh? Huh?" Robbie said, pushing the call button on his phone. "What? What?" Robbie said, waving the phone in front of him teasingly. Suddenly, Dipper ran up and smacked the phone out of his hand, much to his surprise. Dipper and Robbie watched as the phone flew in the air before smashing on the ground; shattering the phone well beyond repair. "My phone!" Robbie exclaimed.

"I-I'll buy you a new one." Dipper said, a little frightened now by the look Robbie was giving him.

"Oh no. You're not getting off _that_ easy." Robbie said, grabbing Dipper by the collar and lifting him up.

"Hey! I know a fight when I see one. Stay right there!" Stan said out the window, standing right next to me, then closing the window.

Robbie roughly threw Dipper down against the trash can, approaching him threateningly. "You. Me. Circle Park. 3:00." Robbie said, before walking off. "We finish this."

"Aw, he's gone." Stan said, now standing next to a frightened Dipper holding a bucket of popcorn. "I was just gonna call the boys over to place a few bets. The smart money's on skinny jeans." Stan said, eating a piece.

"Oh, man. This is bad. This is very bad." Dipper panicked, running inside. "What was I thinking? I can't fight! I've never been in a fight before! _Look at these noodle arms!_ " Dipper said, pacing back and forth in the living room in front of the rest of us, waving his arms up and down.

"Just bonk him over the head. It's nature's snooze button!" Stan said.

"Boys, boys. Why can't you learn to hate each other in secret? Like girls do!" Mabel chimed in.

"Sure, listen to your sister!" Stan said, struggling to keep in a laugh. "Maybe you can share dresses too! Ahaha! Boom!" Stan said, finally losing his composure, letting out a laugh and slamming his fists down onto the table.

"Maybe he'll just forget about it. Maybe it'll all blow over." Dipper said nervously.

"I don't know, Dipper. Teenagers are dangerous. Those hormones turn them into, like, killing machines." Soos said.

"Really?" Dipper asked nervously.

"Oh yeah dude. My cousin Reggie got in a fight with a teen once. The guy broke, like… all his arms, all his legs, and, I think killed him or something, I dunno. Me and Reggie were just talking about it." Soos said.

Dipper starts panting and backs into the corner in panic. "I can't stay here. What if Robbie comes back? I gotta hide!" Dipper said.

"Look kid, you got yourself a choice here." Stan said. "You could either go face him like a man, or you could hide indoors like a wimp. What'll it be?" Stan said, crossing his arms. Dipper looks contemplative for a moment before wordlessly heading out as Soos and I follow him. He walks into the arcade and sits under one of the games as Soos puts in two quarters and begins playing that game.

"Wimp it is." Soos says.

"Come on, Soos, Robbie's, like, twice my size." Dipper says, crawling out from under the arcade game. "I mean, what would getting myself killed accomplish? I just need to hide here until 3:00 passes." Dipper says, glancing at his watch, then sighs and lays his head down on a table. "Ugh; this day will never end." Dipper groans.

"Relax, Dipper. Just… try not to think about Robbie." Soos says. Dipper glances up, suddenly letting out a startled yelp, seeing the wall in front of him covered in the posters for Robbie's band.

As this is going on, I realize I'm missing one of my favorite parts of this 'episode' where Stan says "Y'know, studies show that keeping a ladder inside the house is more dangerous than a loaded gun. That's why I own 10 guns. In case some maniac tries to sneak in a ladder."

As I'm thinking, I notice that Dipper had left and was now playing Fight Fighters.

"A WINNER NEVER RUNS AWAY FROM A FIGHT!"

"That's easy for you to say. You have more than one life." Dipper said in response to the game. "I wish one of these guys could fight Robbie for me." Dipper says, pulling out another quarter. As he went to put it in the slot, he drops it and the quarter rolls over to the side of the machine. Dipper picks it up, but notices some writing on the side.

"'To unleash ultimate power?' I do like things that are ultimate." Dipper says, going to insert the quarter again. "Back, back, hold, forward, back, forward, down, hold, quarter circle, forward, triple punch!…" Dipper says, inputting the code as he was saying it. When he finished, the screen powered off. "I guess it didn't work." Dipper said, before the game began shaking before emitting a blinding light.

"SELECT YOUR CHARACTER!" The game said.

"Uh… Rumble McSkirmish?" Dipper said. In response to this, the light increased in brightness, and when it finally died down, there was Rumble McSkirmish standing there, kneeling on the ground with a fist down, and cracks were in the floor around his fist. "You're real?" Dipper said in awe, approaching Rumble, before the two high-five each other, and Dipper recoiled back in pain. "Ow! Your pixels are sharp!" Dipper said, holding his hand and trying to ease the pain.

"Greetings! Child boys! I am Rumble McSkirmish from the USA! Punch kick punch kick!" Rumble said, doing a series of kicks and punches, accidentally kicking Dipper in the face.

"Ow!… Cool!" Dipper said, putting a hand to his cheek as Rumble walked over to a nearby change machine.

"Change machine! Change me into a powerful wolf! HUAA!" Rumble said as he punched the change machine, destroying it and sending quarters all over the place.

"With Rumble around, Robbie will be so scared I won't even need to fight him! I've got the world's greatest fighter to be my bodyguard!" Dipper said, when suddenly Rumble began flashing red.

"I need power-ups!" Rumble said to Dipper.

"This is so amazing! I gotta show Soos!" Dipper told me. "Soos?"

"I doubt we'll be seeing him for a little while." I said.

"Oh… where is he?" Dipper asked.

"He wanted to try going inside of a video game." I said bluntly. "So he took off the side panel of one of the games and climbed inside. Don't worry, he'll be able to get himself out."

"Oh." Dipper said.

After a few more seconds of pause, Rumble flashed red again. "I need power-ups!" Rumble said.

"Alright, let's go get you some power-ups." Dipper said. "Follow me."

After a short walk back to the shack, and the occasional weird glance our way, we were in the shack's kitchen. Dipper was looking in the fridge for some 'power-ups' while Rumble fought a fly.

"Well, we don't have any traditional power-ups; turkey legs, pizza boxes, or gold rings." Dipper said. "How about… half a taco?"

"Place it on the floor!" Rumble said as Dipper placed the taco on the floor. Rumble knelt down next to the taco as it flashed then disappeared, and a video game menu opened up in thin air above Dipper's head, then a selection box hovered over the taco before the menu changed to an image of the taco as the words 'NEW WEAPON ACQUIRED 1/2 CRUNCHY BORDER TACO' flashed.

"I wish I could do that!" Dipper said as the menu disappeared into thin air.

"Now I must defeat the world's greatest fight fighters! Take me to the Soviet Union!" Rumble said.

"That's gonna be tough… for a number of reasons. But I _do_ know a fighter here in Gravity Falls." Dipper said.

"Maximum power?" Rumble asked, kneeling down on the floor.

"His name is Robbie V. and he's kind of like my arch-enemy." Dipper said, handing Rumble one of the posters for Robbie's band.

"Did he kill your father?" Rumble asked Dipper.

"Well, he's dating the girl I like, and he posts a really annoying amount of status updates." Dipper said. _'I think you're thinking of Tambry on the status updates bit there, Dipper.'_

"And then he killed your father." Rumble said, sounding more like he was making a statement then asking a question as he crumpled up the poster.

"Uh, sure." Dipper said, somewhat hesitantly. "Anyway, I was hoping you could, you know, scare him off for me so I don't have to fight the guy."

"Ha ha ha! Your question makes my shoulders bounce! Fireball! Uppercut! Downercut! Bowl of punch!" Rumble said, throwing a fireball, doing an uppercut and a downercut and drinking a bowl of punch before smashing the bowl on the ground, causing some destruction in the kitchen. Oddly enough, the fire that the fireball made didn't burn anything and was a pixellated, animated fire instead of an actual fire. Then again, the guy who threw the fireball is pixellated.

"So you'll protect me from Robbie?" Dipper asked.

"Challenge accepted! Press start!" Rumble said as a red, pixellated Start button appeared out of thin air. Dipper hesitantly pressed Start, and the button flashed between red and blue before disappearing. Right after the button disappeared, a door could be heard opening and closing.

"Uh-oh. I think I hear my uncle. Stay perfectly still." Dipper said as Rumble rocked back and forth on his feet. "I said stay still."

"This is as still as I can stay!" Rumble said.

"It's his 'idle animation'." I said to Dipper. We stood there for about 30 seconds.

"Okay, I think the coast is clear." Dipper said, peeking out from behind the corner. "Come on." Dipper said, as the three of us walked upstairs and into the attic serving as the twins' bedroom. We walked in, and saw Mabel pacing back and forth.

"Hey, Mabel. Have you met Rumble yet? He's my new bodyguard." Dipper said, as the three of us went inside.

"The child gave me a taco!" Rumble said.

"Wow! He's got a crazy voice!" Mabel said. "Here, say these words." Mabel said, writing some words down on a piece of paper and handing it to Rumble.

"Effervescent! Apple fritter! Riboflavin!" Rumble exclaimed.

"Mabel, he's not a toy, he's a fighting machine. I'm gonna get him to defend me from Robbie." Dipper said.

"Isn't that kinda like cheating?" Mabel asked.

"I guess so." Dipper said. "Well, I'll see ya after the fight."

"Poop! Poop and butts!" Rumble exclaimed suddenly. I'm assuming Mabel had handed him another piece of paper, but I didn't see. We headed out and down to the park.

"Tell me my opponent's special moves!" Rumble said.

"Don't worry." Dipper said. "As soon as he sees you, he's gonna wet his pants."

"His wet pants will be no match for this!" Rumble said, holding a metal pipe and swinging it around a bit.

"Whoa-! Where'd that come from?" Dipper exclaimed.

"I punched an oil drum!" Rumble said.

"Trust me. You won't need that. Just… give him a good scare." Dipper said.

"Yes! With this!" Rumble said, picking up a sword and swinging it around.

"This street has _really_ dangerous litter." Dipper said. Dipper then began explaining the plan to Rumble while we walked along. I wasn't really paying much attention at the time though, and before we knew it, we had arrived. The circle park was what appeared to be a run-down park. Robbie was sitting there on a bench as the clock tolled 3.

"Well, well, well. Look who decided to show up!" Robbie said. "I thought you'd chicken out. You ready to settle this like men?"

"Look, dude. I don't think you wanna fight me. Let's just call this thing off before someone gets hurt." Dipper said casually.

"You _scared_ , huh? Is that it?" Robbie teased.

"Okay, dude. You asked for it." Dipper said, snapping his fingers. Rumble came out from behind a tree and stood next to Dipper.

"Who's your friend? And why is he… blurry?" Robbie asked, squinting his eyes in confusion.

"This happens to be the greatest warrior that ever lived." Dipper said.

"Yeah, right! Hey eye-patch, what did the kid promise you, more tape for your forearms?" Robbie said, laughing.

"How can you laugh, when you killed this boy's father!" Rumble said, pointing a finger at him.

"Wait, what?" Robbie asked, confused.

"I'm giving you one last chance; back down or this guy's gonna go nuts." Dipper warned.

"How 'bout _you_ back down, kid?" Robbie said, poking Dipper in the chest.

"You asked for it." Dipper said. "Rumble, go!" Dipper said, bringing his arm down between Rumble and Robbie like a referee.

"Heh heh." Robbie laughed, before Rumble swung a fist at him, which he barely dodged, and was clearly more panicked now. "What the-?!" Robbie tried to run, but Rumble grabbed him by his hoodie and held him up in the air. "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what is- what is happening?!"

"I didn't wanna have to do this man, but you gave me no choice." Dipper said. "Maybe _now_ , you won't mess with m-"

"Ha ha!" Dipper was cut off as Rumble laughed and slammed Robbie down into the ground.

"Whoa! Rumble, you can stop! I think Robbie's had enough!" Dipper said, panicked suddenly.

"Rumble throw!" Rumble yelled, picking up Robbie and throwing him high into the air.

"Stop! I said stop!" Dipper yelled. Robbie landed in a bunch of metal bars.

"Wh-what the-?! That guy's crazy!" Robbie said. Rumble threw a fireball at Robbie, who quickly got out of the bars right before the fireball destroyed it and Robbie ran off.

"What the heck was that?! You were only supposed to scare him; you almost _killed_ him!" Dipper said.

"I will not rest until the man who dishonored you is _destroyed_!" Rumble said, punching a poster of Robbie then running after Robbie, destroying a few other things as well.

"This isn't good." Dipper said.

"Ya think?" I said. "We have to go after him, you know."

"Yes, I know. Come on." Dipper said. We both hurried off; Dipper leading the way, following the path of destruction until we came to a building labeled 'Barrels & Crates Incorporated', with the side of the building looking a lot like the old arcade game Donkey Kong. Suddenly, a barrel smashed through the window and Robbie jumped out, hurrying down a ladder when Rumble smashed through the wall, holding another barrel. Rumble threw the barrel at Robbie, missing him and almost hitting me and Dipper instead.

"Please, Rumble, you gotta stop!" Dipper yelled. Rumble instead ignored him and him and Robbie played a brief round of Donkey Kong, with Rumble being Donkey Kong. Robbie jumped down when he got to the bottom and ran past us when Rumble jumped down as well, smashing the crates next to us. "Rumble, wait!" Dipper yelled, still not getting his attention as he pulled up a No Parking sign to use as a weapon. "You don't have to do this!" Dipper said, running after Rumble as I kept up a light jog slightly behind him. "At least pace yourself! You might get a cramp!" Dipper said, panting, slowing down before coming to a stop as he clutched his side. _'Dipper, you have no idea how many of those running cramps I've had during_ that time _of my life_ _.'_

I caught up to Dipper and he caught his breath for a bit before continuing his pursuit, so I followed. We chased Rumble through half the town pretty much. Finally, Soos pulled up next to us as Dipper was resting for a bit again at the corner of an intersection. "Hey dudes."

"Soos!" Dipper exclaimed. "Where have you been?"

"Uh, long story man." Soos said, glancing down at a part of the arcade machine still on him. "Dudes. Did you see that video game guy destroying everything in sight? Heh heh. It's crazy!"

"Yeah. I-I kinda sorta brought him to life to be my bodyguard." Dipper said. "But now we have to stop him before he kills Robbie!"

"You need an amiable sidekick with a pickup truck?" Soos asked.

"You know we do." Dipper said. I just simply nodded as we climbed in. We finally came to a stop near the base of the water tower with Rumble at the base and Robbie, Stan and Mabel at the top.

"Time to save the day dudes." Soos told us as we climbed out.

"You can hide, but you cannot hide!" Rumble said, pointing up at Robbie.

"Rumble!" Dipper said, running up to him as I followed. "This has to stop! Please; listen to me!" Rumble ignored Dipper as he kicked the water tower's stilts holding it up, and began destroying it. Finally, Robbie fell down, only to be caught by Rumble.

"FINISH HIM!" A voice out of nowhere boomed as the words appeared above them and Rumble readied a punch.

"Nonono! Don't! Don't finish me!" Robbie said in panic. Rumble charged up a punch, until Dipper threw a quarter at him, catching his attention.

"Rumble!" Dipper said, holding up two planks to make it look like he was in widescreen before tossing them aside. "Rumble, I have something to tell you." Dipper said, walking up to Rumble. "Robbie… Robbie didn't kill my father." Dipper said.

"Then who did?" Rumble asked.

"What? No one did. I… I lied to you." Dipper said.

"Huh?! Then you're actually a… bad guy!" Rumble said.

"I guess I kinda am." Dipper said.

"And you!" Rumble said, pointing at me, taking me by surprise.

"What?" I said.

"You are clearly on his side! You must be his henchman!" Rumble said.

"Well, I guess so, depending on how you define 'henchman'." I said. Rumble took pause and hung Robbie on the branch of a nearby tree by his hood as a monologue scene began to play out.

"My entire journey; a lie. My honor has been insulted! Sensei warned me not to join the path of evil. The boy and his friend have led me astray from my teachings." The voice was clearly Rumble's, but his mouth wasn't moving. "If Robbie V. is not the last stage, then it must be… YOOOOOUUU!" Rumble said, pointing at us as another Start button appeared next to us.

"Dudes!" Soos said, running up to us. "Don't fight him, man! That guy's got, like, a black belt wrapped around his black belt. You two could get killed!"

"We have to." Dipper said. "I started all of this and I've got to at least try to stop it."

"And I knew this was going to happen but I didn't do anything about it." I said.

"Are you sure you wouldn't rather hide like a wimp?" Soos asked. Dipper just pushed the Start button with his fist as it disappeared. "Fight like a man it is."

"At least with Nathan here, we might have a slightly better chance at beating him." Dipper said.

"Yeah, I wouldn't count on it." I said. "I'm not exactly Mr. Muscles either."

Above us, three health bars appeared. On the left, it showed Dipper and Nathan in separate health bars, but sharing the same score. On the right, it showed Rumble. Music began playing out of nowhere as Rumble, Dipper and I got into a fighting stance.

"READY?" A voice boomed, as the word appeared between us. Dipper took a look at Rumble's fighting stance and changed his 'pre-battle dance' a bit. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Soos covering his eyes, then peeking through his arm and snapping a photo. "FIGHT!"

Me and Dipper ran at Rumble, and Rumble ran at us. "Fireball throw lightning ball throw! Fire!" Rumble said as he threw a fireball at us, narrowly missing us and destroying the tree behind us. Rumble almost kicked Dipper, but I pulled him out of the way just in time. "Ha ha ha! You fight like girls! Who are also babies!" Rumble taunted. Dipper and I ran at him. Dipper punched him and I kicked him as hard as we could. Rumble dramatically fell to the ground, and his health bar went down by… 2%.

"Oh no." Dipper said. Dipper and I ran, and out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Soos climb the tree and try to mess with Rumble's health bar, and failing to do anything. Meanwhile, Dipper and I climbed up a tree as a fireball destroyed another nearby tree. Rumble approached us, only to stop under us and look around.

"No! I have no looking up animation!" Rumble said, straining to look upwards, only to fall back on the ground, laying there like a sheet of paper.

"Ha ha!" Dipper said, jumping down. I also jumped down off the tree, standing next to him. "What should I do, roll him up and put him on my wall?" Dipper asked Soos, who had approached us.

"Dude! We should rock-paper-scissors for him." Soos said.

"Fist punch rain!" Rumble yelled suddenly, multiple fists hitting me and Dipper, even though I had moved away a bit, knowing what was about to happen. Dipper and I stood up from where we were on the ground as Rumble approached; back to normal now. "Never underestimate that I have punches!" Rumble said. While Dipper and Rumble were standing there for a bit, I had snuck off, and grabbed one of the large empty metal… things that were off to the side. It looked like a large metal barrel without a top or bottom. Meanwhile, Rumble was charging up, and Dipper looked up and saw he was at around 25% health and spread his arms out and closed his eyes in acceptance of his fate. I knew I had to act now. I ran up behind Rumble and slammed the metal on Rumble's head over and over, catching him off guard. I finally stopped after a while, and saw his health bar had gone down by another 10%. It was clearly still not enough. Rumble turned and looked at me.

"How dare you!" He said, pointing a finger at me.

"Dipper!" I called out. "It's not over yet! We can still beat him if we try!" Dipper ran up and kicked Rumble in the back, and as he stumbled forward, I hit him on the head again with the metal. I took a quick peek at the health bars… Dipper had 25%, I had 40%, and Rumble had 85%. "Well, maybe." I said, a little quietly. Rumble threw another fireball at me, and it exploded right at my feet, causing me to jump back. Meanwhile, I noticed Dipper ran over to get the pieces of wood he dropped earlier, and he smacked them together on Rumble's head on either side, and I slammed the metal on Rumble's head again, then punched him in the face and kicked him in the chest, and Dipper punched him to the side. Another 8%. I sigh.

"Dipper! The tree!" I say. He understands, and we run towards the tree and climb up it. Rumble tries to look up again, and falls on the ground again. We jump down and attack him; I slam the metal barrel-thing on his face and Dipper jumps on his body while slamming the wood on his legs. Rumble tries to attack back, but being temporarily flat, his attacks don't hit us. Then he jumps up and throws a fireball at me, hitting me this time.

"You will not get me to fall for that again!" Rumble said. Meanwhile, I take a glance at the health bars. Dipper's still at 25%, I'm now at 2%, and Rumble is at 27%. "Wow!" I exclaim. "That really did some damage!" I say, referring to both me and Dipper attacking Rumble just now, and Rumble's fireball to my chest. "Dipper! Look at the health bars!"

"Whoa!" Dipper says while dodging a kick. "That was a great plan!" Dipper said.

"Thanks. But it's not over yet!" I say, slamming the metal on Rumble's head again. Dipper comes up behind Rumble and hits him with the wood planks on the back of the head, then kicking him down to the ground. Rumble is now at 22%. Suddenly, I get an idea for a combo attack. I run over to Dipper and explain it to him as quickly as I can, since Rumble's beginning to get up, and Dipper agrees to it.

I pick Dipper up by his legs as Dipper holds the metal barrel I was using earlier. I spin in circles for a bit, then let go of Dipper's legs as he goes flying at Rumble. Dipper holds the metal in front of him and it collides with Rumble, then Dipper kicks Rumble in the chest and hits him again with the metal. Meanwhile, I had gotten behind Rumble, and I tripped him as he walked backwards, and we begin pounding on him. After a bit, I look up. Rumble is at 7%. We might actually do this! But I can't take another hit, since I'm at 2%. I glance at Dipper's health bar and see he's at 24% now. He probably lost a little bit of health from the impact.

I grab the metal from Dipper and throw it at Rumble. Rumble throws a fireball at it, destroying the projectile. Dipper goes behind Rumble and kicks him in the legs, causing him to look back at Dipper. While he's distracted, I run up and jump on Rumble and punch his face repeatedly. I jump off before he can land a hit on me. Then Rumble turns around and kicks Dipper. I glance up at the health bars again. All three of us have 2% health left. I run over to Dipper and very quickly explain my idea for the finishing attack. I pick Dipper up by his feet again, this time hoisting him upright, while he balls his fists together above his head. Then I swing Dipper down like a hammer, and he punches Rumble on the top of the head. Rumble falls down in defeat at last as I set Dipper down.

"DIPPER AND NATHAN WIN!" The voice booms out of nowhere again, as those same words appear in the air while Dipper and I strike a victory pose. "GAME OVER!" Rumble then begins disintegrating into pixels that disappear.

"Game over, old friend." Dipper says, straightening his hat. Then the words 'Thank you for playing' appear, followed by two areas for us to put in 3 letters to record our high score. Dipper enters in 'DIP' and I enter in 'NIV', which is my first, middle and last initial.

"Heh heh; nice." Soos says, walking up to us.

"What? Who-who-who was that guy?!" Robbie asked, having just gotten himself down from his place on the tree. "Why is it that whenever you and your friend are around, there's always ghosts or monsters or whatever?" Robbie said to Dipper, talking about me when he said 'your friend'.

"I don't know, man." Dipper answered simply.

"That guy almost broke my neck! You know how mad I am right now?!" Robbie said.

"So, I guess you and I have to fight now, huh?" Dipper asked.

"Might want to not do that." I say. "Look who's back."

"Hey, guys! I heard some crazy screaming out here." Wendy said as she walked up to us.

"Wendy?"

"You're back!"

"Yeah, man." Wendy said. "Whoa. What the heck happened here? Freak tornado or something?" Dipper and Robbie just stammered for a bit. "And why are your faces all jacked up? You guys weren't fighting each other, were you? I hate it when guys fight."

"I got this." I say to Dipper and Robbie. "Well, you see Wendy, a video game character came to life out of nowhere and began to chase after Robbie. Dipper and I managed to get him to stop going after Robbie—by getting him to go after us. So then we were forced to fight the guy or suffer possible hospitalization. It was a _very_ close match, but with me and Dipper working together, we managed to defeat him as he turned into pixels and disappeared. Robbie was just 'hanging around' during the fight. The guy had put Robbie on a tree branch as he fought us."

"Cool." Wendy said. "It really makes me happy to see my three boys hanging out." Wendy said. Internally, I was slightly caught off guard from being 'one of her boys', but when I thought about it, it made sense—I had been around about as much as Dipper has. "I got some unpacking to do. I'll text you guys later." Wendy said, kissing Robbie, messing with Dipper's hat, and giving me a fist bump as she headed off.

"Did you hear that? She called me one of her two boys!" Dipper said.

"She was looking at me though." Robbie said.

"Look Robbie, if we stay at each other's throats, we'll both lose Wendy." Dipper said. "We need to make a cold war pact."

"Okay. What's that?" Robbie asked.

"We need to learn to just hate each other in silence." Dipper said.

"You mean, like… what girls do?" Robbie asked.

"Yeah, exactly. What girls do." Dipper said.

"Wait, what about you, though?" Robbie asked, pointing at me. "Are you after Wendy, too?"

"No." I said simply. "I have no interest in getting into a romantic relationship with somebody who isn't from my home dimension. Like, what if my portal remote stopped working at some point?" I explained.

"Wait, what?" Robbie said, confused.

"He's from another dimension." Dipper explained to Robbie.

"What? That's ridiculous!" Robbie said.

"Oh really?" I said, taking out my portal remote, then I opened a portal back home. "Anyway, see ya later." I said, walking through the portal back home.


	11. Little Dipper

**Chapter 11: Little Dipper**

Not much has happened since my last adventure, other than finals at school. Also, to all my readers out there, merry Christmas. A little fun fact for you; my dad's birthday is on Christmas Eve. Anyway, it was time for another adventure, so I grabbed my portal remote and opened the portal to Gravity Falls. When I walked through the portal this time, I cane in to see Stan and the twins watching Ducktective when the doorbell rang as Stan walked over and opened it.

"Welcome to a world of mystery!" Stan greeted.

"Stan Pines." The man said.

"The tax collector! You found me!" Stan panicked, throwing down a smoke bomb and running back into the living room. He pulled a painting off of the wall, revealing some hidden money as he grabbed the bag and frantically started pressing random stones in the wall. "Which one of these is the trapdoor?!" He asked, apparently having forgotten which one was the button.

"Mr. Pines." The man said again, walking in, stopping Stan in his tracks. "I'm from the winning house coupon saver's contest. And you are our biiig winner!" The man said, as a few other people came in, one holding a camera, and two more holding a giant 10 million dollar check as one of them threw golden confetti on Stan.

"Eh? My one and only dream—which was to possess money—has come true!" Stan said.

"We're rich!" Dipper said. "I'm gonna get a butler!"

"I'm gonna buy a talking horse!" Mabel said.

"Just sign here for the money." The man said, handing Stan a few papers and a pen.

"You bet!" Stan said, taking the pen and writing on the paper. Almost immediately after, Gideon burst through the fake check.

"Ha! Stanford, you fool! You just signed over the Mystery Shack to little ol' me!" Gideon said, then did a short victory dance. "Little ol' me."

"Eh… might wanna take another look there." Stan said, pointing at the papers Gideon was holding.

"'The shack is hereby signed over to'—" Gideon paused suddenly, his eyes widening in surprise as he read what Stan had actually written down on the paper. "'Suck a lemon little man!'"

Stan began laughing as Gideon fumed in anger, tearing the papers in half. "How _dare_ you!" Gideon yelled. "I am _not_ a threat to be taken lightly!" Gideon said, only to make the opposite appear true as he reached up for the man behind him to pick him up. "I'll get you, Stanford Pines. I'll get you all!" Gideon yelled as the man holding him backed out of the house for effect, taking Gideon with him.

"Wanna see what else is on TV?" Stan asked, not taking that seriously.

"Yeah okay." Dipper said.

"My favorite part's the theme song." Mabel said, as I begin humming the Gravity Falls theme song. Caught by the music train, I begin playing some of my other favorite songs in my head.

Later on, I come into the shack's gift shop to see Dipper and Mabel playing chess. "Little guy to black space nine!" Mabel said, moving a pawn to a seemingly random square.

"It's a pawn, that's not your color, and stop stealing the tiny horses!" Dipper said, pointing to the knight pieces in Mabel's sweater.

"Those 'tiny horses' are the knights, Dipper." I say.

"They like it better in here." Mabel said. "Don't you babies?" Mabel asked the knight pieces, then mimicked a horse.

"Aaand, checkmate." Dipper said, knocking over Mabel's king piece with a pawn of his own.

"What? Boo!" Mabel said, as Dipper marked another tally down into his notebook for another win of his.

"Oh! Dipper wins again!" Dipper gloated.

Before Dipper could put away the notebook, I snatched it out of his hand and tore out the pages that all kept track of how many times he won. "What?! Hey! Stop that!" Dipper said.

"Dipper." I said, stopping him. "Games aren't meant to prove how good you are at a game, or to gloat your wins at somebody with fewer wins than you; but to have _fun_." I say. "So stop keeping track of how many times you win against your sister! Pretty soon, it may come back at you."

"Yo, Nathan, could you pass me that brain in the jar? The lady one?" Soos asked me.

"I got it." Dipper said, getting up.

"Thanks, but you're kinda the shortest one in here." Soos said. "Even Mabel's taller."

"What? No she's not. We're the same height. We've always been." Dipper said. "Although, yeah, Nathan is taller than us, but that's because he's 16!"

"Better check again, dude." Soos said, as he got off the ladder and walked over to Dipper and Mabel, putting them back-to-back with each other before measuring them. "Yep. She's got exactly one millimeter on you." Soos said.

"What?!" Dipper exclaimed.

"Whoa. Don't you see what's happening, Dipper?" Mabel said. "This millimeter is just the beginning. I'm evolving into the superior sibling! Bigger! Stronger!"

"Like some kind of alpha twin." Soos said.

"Alpha twin! Alpha twin!" Mabel chanted.

"C'mon, guys, nobody even uses millimeters. That only makes you taller than me in Canada." Dipper said. _'That's where you're wrong…'_

"You know, Dipper, I've always wanted a _little_ brother…. Who knew I already had one?!" Mabel said, laughing. "Yeah!"

"I was awoken by the sound of mockery." Stan said, walking into the room. "Where is it? Show me the object of ridicule!"

"I'm taller than Dipper!"

"By _one_ millimeter."

"Hey, hey!" Stan said. "Don't get… _short_ with your sister!" Stan said, laughing.

"Now, Grunkle Stan, I hope you don't think… _little_ of him!" Mabel said.

"Ha ha, yeah! And, and, um… he's short!" Stan said.

"Dude. Maybe you should lay off a tiny bit." Soos said.

"Ha! Tiny! Soos is in on it now!" Stan said.

"N-no-no. I didn't mean it like that." Soos said as Dipper sulked off.

"You guys are just being mean right now." I say. "He's gonna do something drastic."

"Dipper will forget. He's got a—three, two, one… short-term memory!" Mabel said, with Stan chiming in on the last bit. "Pow! We are on fire!" Mabel said, as her and Stan exchanged a high-five.

"Ow. Ooh. That's— ah." Stan cringed.

"I high-five hard." Mabel said.

I walk away and walk upstairs to the attic, and hear Dipper talking to himself.

"Ugh! Stupid Mabel. I'm not short!" He said. Then I heard him grunting. "Oh, come on." More grunting. Then I heard a thud. "There's gotta be some way to get taller." Dipper said, as I heard pages turning. "Let's see… 'Legends of miniature buffalo and giant squirrels have led me to believe there are height-altering properties hidden deep within the forest.' Hmm…" I heard some more shuffling, then Dipper came out. "Ah!… Ho-how long have you been there?" Dipper asked me, having been startled with me being right there at the door as he opened it.

"About 30 seconds." I said. "Long enough that I heard pretty much everything; the complaining, the grunting, and looking in the journal for a way to get taller."

"Oh. Um…" Dipper just stands there awkwardly for a bit. "See ya!" Dipper said suddenly, running past me and out the door. So while Dipper's out finding the crystal, I decide to have a bit of a snack, so I head back downstairs and rummage around in the kitchen for a bit. After looking around for a bit, I decide to try some Chipackerz: The chip-flavored crackers!. _'They're actually pretty good. They taste like Lays potato chips and Ritz crackers mixed together. An odd combination, but it works.'_ Shortly after, I hear Dipper come back in and walk upstairs, before hearing a crash a few minutes later. I shrug, knowing what had happened, and finish my snack.

Later, I hear the door open, and I look over and see Dipper walking in. "Hey, guys!" Dipper greeted. "Notice anything different about me?"

Soos leaned in close, squinting his eyes. "Holy hot sauce! You've grown an extra millimeter!" Soos said.

"Wh-wh-what?!" Mabel exclaimed, jumping down from the stool and standing next to Dipper. The two were measured again, and they were now even in height.

"What can I say, sis? Growth spurt." Dipper said.

"Eh, mine happened first." Mabel said. "I'm gonna be taller in the end. It's science, Dipper."

"What? But we're the same height now." Dipper said.

"Alpha twin! Alpha twin!" Mabel chanted, annoying Dipper.

"Oh yeah?" Dipper said. "Something tells me I've got another growth spurt coming on right now." Dipper said, walking off and into the attic. I walk up the stairs after him, and Mabel runs up and opens the door.

"Give it up, Dipper!" Mabel said, walking over to Dipper, before noticing he had grown around 6 inches. "What happened?!"

"You know, puberty and stuff." Dipper said.

"It doesn't make any sense! Just a second ago, you were s—" Mabel said, cutting herself off as she thought of something. "Wait a minute! This is some kind of magic-y thing, isn't it? Was it a wizard or something? There's a wizard in this closet, isn't there? _Isn't_ there?!" Mabel said.

"What?! No!" Dipper said.

"You're telling me there is not a wizard in this closet?" Mabel said. "You're telling me that if I open this door _right_ now—"

"Fine. Open it." Dipper said, knowing there was no wizard in the closet as Mabel opened the door and looked inside.

"An invisible wizard! _Really_ , Dipper?!" Mabel said. I had to stifle a bit of laughter that was threatening to come out. I always found that part funny. "Alright, Mr. Invisible Wizard, show yourself!" Mabel said. "Reverse your magical spell on Dipper!"

"That's… not gonna work." Dipper noted.

"Does he only respond to incantations?" Mabel asked. "Expecto wizarium! Wizzle! Wizzar!"

"It's not a wizard! I grew myself using this magic flashlight." Dipper said. Mabel stopped and looked over at the flashlight.

"Lemme see that thing!" Mabel said, chasing Dipper, before pausing in front of the empty closet. "I'll be back for you later!" When Mabel said that, I almost burst out laughing before following them. I came out in time to see the giant caterpillar smash a couple of cars as Mabel picked up the flashlight and tested it on her hand, which grew bigger.

"Ah!" Mabel said.

"It's okay! It can shrink things too." Dipper said, taking the flashlight and shrinking Mabel's hand back to normal.

"Normal hand karate chop!" Mabel said, chopping the flashlight out of Dipper's hand.

"Hey!" Dipper and Mabel chased each other, trying to get the flashlight for themselves, using the flashlight on each other. After a brief struggle, the flashlight went flying through the air and landed right in front of Gideon, who picked it up.

"My, my. What the lyful manner of doohickery is this?" Gideon said, picking up the flashlight.

"Maybe he didn't see us use it and doesn't know it's a magic flashlight that can grow and shrink things." Mabel whispered to us, not knowing Gideon just heard everything.

"Really?" Dipper said. Gideon tested out the flashlight, then used it on the three of us until we were only a few inches tall, then Gideon laughed for a bit and trapped us in the jar he was holding. He carried us all the way back to his house, and passed by Bud Gleeful selling a car.

"Say there son, what's in the jar?" Bud asked. Gideon put up his innocent façade as he answered.

"That's my widdle secret." Gideon said, causing the others to 'aww'. _'Come the Gideon-bot adventure, they'll think of him as anything but cute.'_

Gideon chuckled and continued walking, mocking them under his breath. "Mouth-breathing fools." Gideon walked into the house, walking by a lady who looked like she was in a permanent state of shock and fear. "Mother." Gideon walked up to his room and dumped us out of the jar and onto his desk which had small wooden replicas of me and the others as well as the Mystery Shack.

"You three." Gideon said.

"Yeah? What about us?" I said, no fear in my voice, but rather some apathy and a hint of annoyance. Dipper took up a fierce expression while Mabel was the only one who seemed frightened.

"W-what are you gonna do with us?" Mabel asked. Gideon chuckled.

"Why, Mabel. I wouldn't hurt a hair on your itty-bitty head." Gideon said, rubbing Mabel's head with a finger with a smile, before his expression turned fierce. "If you'll agree to be my queen."

"We live in a democracy. And never!" Mabel yelled.

"Maybe you'll change your mind after _this_!" Gideon said, picking up Mabel by the back of her sweater as she fought to escape his grasp.

"No! I will fight you until the day I—" Mabel yelled, until Gideon showed her a bag of 'Gummy Koalas'. "Gummy Koalas!" Mabel said, as Gideon put her in the bag and she happily started eating one, which was now half her size due to us being shrunk.

"As for you two." Gideon said ominously, bringing the light down into our faces. "Tell me! How exactly did you come upon this magic item, hmm? Did somebody tell you about it? Did you read about it somewhere?"

"Lean closer and I'll tell you." Dipper said.

"Well, don't mind if I—" Gideon was abruptly cut off, for as he leaned in, Dipper pressed the button on a nearby air horn, making it honk in Gideon's ear. "AAHHH!" Gideon screeched, covering his ears, then knocking over the light and raising his fist in anger. "I could squash you right now!" Gideon yelled threateningly, shaking his fist before realization struck. "Steel yourself, Gideon. You can use them. You can use them." Gideon muttered.

Gideon walked over to his phone and dialed a number. "Stanford Pines. Listen to me closely. I have your niece and nephew and their friend. Hand over the deed to the Mystery Shack right now, or great harm will befall them!… This is Gideon, by the way." Laughing was heard on the other end.

"Oh yeah. This has gotta be your worst plot yet. They're fine. Saw them playing in the yard minutes ago." Stan said on the other end.

"I have them in my possession! You don't believe me? I will text you a photo!" Gideon yelled.

"Text me a photo? Now you're not even speaking English." Stan said, sounding confused.

"But, I—" Gideon was cut off as Stan hung up the phone. "Hello? I- Hello?!" Gideon threw the phone at the wall in rage as it shattered and parts of it raining down around me and Dipper before Gideon began laughing maniacally. "What am I doing?! I don't need ransom. I have this!" Gideon said, holding up the flashlight. "I'll shrink Stan and take the shack for myself! You'll be helpless to stop me. And if any of you step out of line… smash!" Gideon said, ripping the heads off of the wooden figures of me, Stan and the twins all at once then tossed the heads in front of us as he began laughing.

"Gideon! The icecream truck is here!" Bud called out.

"Oh! Coming!" Gideon said, before stopping and letting out a hamster in front of us. "Guard them, Cheekums." Gideon said. "I'm coming!"

After Gideon left, Dipper looked up at the hamster in fear, but only for a moment. Dipper picked up a nearby Q-tip and poked the hamster with it. Upon getting no reaction, Dippee tossed it aside and walked over to Mabel. "We've gotta get out of here and save Stan!" Dipper said.

"I know!" Mabel said. "I will see you later." Mabel said, putting the head of a gummy koala in her sweater.

"Ooh; grab one for me too." I said. Mabel grabbed a gummy koala and tossed it up and out of the bag as it landed in front of me. "Thanks." I said as I began eating it.

"Okay, how are we gonna do this? Gideon's got magic, and, like, a zillion inches on us."

"Actually, it's more like 40 inches." I said. "Besides, zillion isn't even a number. But a quadrillion is. It's right after a trillion."

"Okay, noted, a quadrillion is a number I haven't heard before." Dipper said.

"There's also a quintillion, a sextillion, a septillion, an octillion, a nonillion, and a decillion, as well as much larger." I continued.

"Um, okay. That's nice to know." Dipper said. "But on the bright side, at least we're finally the same height again." Dipper said, addressing Mabel.

"Actually…" Mabel said, causing Dipper's eyes to widen. I was getting a bit annoyed with their 'height feud'.

"Okay, okay, so Mabel's still a millimeter taller, which now that we're shrunk, it's probably more like 80 micrometers now since we're three inches tall." I said, before pausing to take another bite out of the gummy koala. "Just ignore it for now and focus on the problem at hand!"

"Okay, you're right. We can sort this out later." Dipper said. "We've gotta get that flashlight back."

Dipper peered over the edge and looked down, while Mabel climbed on top of the hamster. "Cheekums, to freedom!" Mabel said, patting the hamster. "To freedom!" Mabel said, patting the hamster again. "Aww, you're just a big ol' dummy-dumb." Mabel said, doing her best to hug the hamster from on top of him.

"I have a plan." Dipper said, looking at Gideon's hairbrush. Dipper, Mabel and I took a thread of the hairbrush and made it into a rope which went down to the floor and we climbed down it, scaling the dresser like a mountain, before we ran out of the room and down the stairs into the living room and hid in a shoe. Gideon was on the couch eating ice cream, rather messily.

"Clean me!" Gideon demanded, as Bud cleaned him. "Father, could you give widdle ol' me a ride to the Mystery Shack?" Gideon asked sweetly.

"Aw, I'd love to sugar pie, but I have a heck of a lot of cars to sell, I do." Bud said, tickling Gideon, who began laughing, then started to get mad.

"Don't tickle me! No!" Gideon yelled, throwing the ice cream at the wall as it splattered, wasting some perfectly good ice cream. "Never! Never tickle me! What have I told you?! What have I- look at me. What have I told you?!"

"Tickling… is no laughing matter." Bud said.

"There we go." Gideon said, patting Bud's cheek.

"Do you still need a ride?" Bud asked.

"I'll just take the bus!" Gideon yelled, knocking over a table and kicking the door open, before storming out and slamming it shut.

"Precious memories." Bud said wistfully.

"Just keep vacuuming, just keep vacuuming…" The lady said, appearing very freaked out.

"Come on!" Dipper said, as we rushed over to the door and went out the dog door, rushing across the parking lot. "We need to get higher." Dipper said.

"Yeah, especially you. 'Cause you're short." Mabel teased.

"Mabel! Up there!" Dipper said, pointing to the balloon which was tied to a rope. We all climbed up on top of the balloon, and spotted Gideon sitting on a bench, waiting for the bus, before the bus arrived and Gideon got on it. "He's heading to shrink Stan!" Dipper said.

"Oh, flying discount dollar, if only you could fly us back to the Mystery Shack." Mabel said.

"Maybe it can." Dipper said. Dipper got out his pocket knife and cut the rope holding the balloon, which began flying off toward the shack. After a while, the balloon crashed into the totem pole at the Mystery Shack. "We're just in time." Dipper said, spotting the bus as Gideon got off. "But how are we gonna stop him?" Dipper asked, as a woodpecker began pecking at him and Dipper and I tried to fight it off.

"Leave that to Mabel." She said. Mabel quickly told us her plan of using the banner string as a zip line. We got over just in time for Mabel to stop Gideon from entering the shack by dropping her gummy koala into Gideon's hair. "I'm sorry, gummy friend!" Mabel said.

"It's for the greater good." Dipper said.

"Ugh! What in all the infernal gummy koalas has gotten into my perfect hair?!" Gideon said, dropping the flashlight trying to get it out. "I can't defeat Stan looking like this!" Gideon then walked over to a bath tub that was tipped over and used it as a mirror to get the gummy snack out of his hair, then continued working on his hair as we climbed down and went over to the flashlight.

"Quick! Get in front and I'll regrow you." Mabel said, getting on top of the flashlight.

"Okay." Dipper said, before pausing a moment. "Wait. You're gonna grow us back to equal height, right?"

"Dipper, that doesn't matter right now!" Mabel said.

"Well, if it doesn't matter, then why don't you just do it?" Dipper said.

"You know what? Both of you get in front! _I'll_ regrow you!" I said, pushing Mabel next to Dipper and pushing the button, growing them back to normal. Sure, I might be skipping quite a bit of the 'episode', but I really didn't feel like having to crawl into Gideon's armpit later on. Plus, their fighting was starting to get on my nerves.

"What?!" Gideon said, as Dipper picked up the flashlight and regrew me to normal as well. "How did you—?!"

"It doesn't matter." I said, crossing my arms and standing in front of Gideon. "What matters is that we stopped you." I said. "Now get out of here before I decide to mess up your hair."

"No! Not my hair!" Gideon said. "Errgh… _fine_! You may have won this time, but I'll be back!" Gideon threatened. "And next time, you won't be able to stop me! I will get the deed to that shack! And when I do—" I took the gummy koala I still had and got it near Gideon's hair threateningly. "Alright, fine! _I'm goin'!_ " Gideon yelled, storming off.

"Thanks, Nathan! Now could you grow me another millimeter?" Dipper said, handing me the flashlight. I turned to them with a look that said 'Are you serious right now?'. "Umm…"

"You two… have got… _to stop fighting_!" I said, startling them. " _So what_ if Mabel's taller than you by one millimeter?! It's not like anyone's gonna notice! And by the way, her teasing you was because you would always rub your winnings in her face! When she found out she was taller than you, she felt like _she_ was finally winning at something!" I said, as Dipper looked away guiltily. "And Mabel, you're not exactly innocent in this, either. If Dipper's always gloating about his wins, that doesn't make it okay to rub your extra millimeter in his face all the time. Two wrongs don't make a right! If it's bothering you, talk to him about it and kindly ask him to stop instead of excessively bragging about an extra millimeter! You know, if I hadn't intervened, your little argument there would've gone on long enough for Gideon to notice you two and he would've gotten dangerously close to actually winning! So stop fighting over ONE millimeter!" I finished, before inhaling through my nose. "Just… _stop_ fighting."

"Oh, man. Now I feel like a big jerk." Dipper said. "I'm sorry, Mabel. I didn't know it was bothering you so much."

"It's okay, Dipper." Mabel said. "I guess Nathan's right. We were fighting over such a little thing."

"So, are we cool?" Dipper asked.

"Yeah, we're cool." Mabel said, as the two did a fist bump.

"Alright, now that that's taken care of, I think I'm going to head on home now." I said, handing the flashlight back to them and pulling out my portal remote. "Oh, and don't destroy that, either. It's going to come in handy later on in the summer." I told them, heading through the portal.


	12. Summerween

**Chapter 12: Summerween**

Well, as it turns out, this past week has been fairly eventful. For Christmas, I got a Dipper Pines hat, which I wear all the time now, and the other day we flew out to Tulsa to stay for a week. It was a bit difficult sneaking my portal remote with me. As it turns out, it passed through security just fine. On the plane ride though, I was sitting at a window seat next to the left wing and we went through some turbulence. I aw the wing shaking and it kinda scared me because it looked like it was shaking pretty bad. And during the descent for landing, the plane ride was starting to really freak me out. All of a sudden, the plane felt like we were driving on the ground while we were still 500 feet in the air, and the plane kept turning right a little bit and then straightening out over and over. And when we touched down, the landing felt much rougher than it was supposed to be. Although, that might've just been normal stuff. Let's just say that I advise you not to watch Air Disasters within at least a week of your flight.

So now I'm 750 miles away from my house as I open the portal this time, but I still arrived in Gravity Falls. In fact, I came out of the portal right in front of the handicapped parking sign, and I had to act quickly to jump out of the way of Stan's car as it smashed into the sign.

"Here we are! The Summerween Superstore!" Stan said.

"Wait. Summer-what?" Dipper asked in confusion. "Oh, hey Nathan. Nice hat."

"Summerween!" Stan said. "The people of this town love Halloween so much they celebrate it twice a year. And wouldn't you know it; it's today!" Stan said, showing us a calendar with a date circled on it.

"Do you always carry that calendar in your pocket?" Dipper asked.

"…Yes." Stan answered.

"Summerween?" Mabel asked. "Something about this feels unnatural."

"There's free candy." Soos said, walking up to the twins. That was enough to convince them as they eagerly ran inside. Mabel climbed into a wheelbarrow and Dipper grabbed the handles and began running.

"To the costume aisle!" Dipper and Mabel shouted simultaneously as they raced off. Meanwhile, a bowl with a skeleton head had caught Soos' attention.

"I'd lend you a hand… but I don't seem to have any!" The skeleton head said, cackling.

"Heh heh. This guy tells it like it is." Soos said.

"Sir?" A rather irritated-looking worker said. "Could you _please_ stop pushing that?"

"Ma'am, make these heads less hilarious and you've got yourself a deal." Soos said ass he pressed another skeleton head as the lady irritably sighed and walked off.

Meanwhile, Stan was looking at the barrels of fake blood. "When the children come to my door tonight, they're gonna run away screaming from Stan Pines: Master of Fright!" Stan said, picking up a barrel and scaring a baby. The lady was getting rather fed up with everyone's antics at this point.

"Have the police come and eject the Pines family from the store." The lady said into a microphone.

"Not today!" Stan said, throwing down a smoke bomb as we all rushed out. I hopped into the wheelbarrow with Mabel because I didn't feel like running. Impressively, Dipper was still able to keep the same pace as everyone else.

"You paid for this stuff, right?" Mabel asked.

"Of course." Stan said as we all piled into the car quickly and Stan drove off. "Let's move!" He yelled, after crashing into a pole. After we got back ho— back to the shack, we all got inside and Dipper and Mabel began planning for Summerween as Soos got into his costume and sat on the chair.

"I am so excited!" Mabel said.

"We're gonna have the best costumes, get the most candy…" Dipper said.

"And get the biggest stomach-aches ever!" Mabel finished. _'Why would they be excited about a stomach-ache?'_

"Yeah!" Dipper said.

"Yeah!" Mabel said, high-fiving Dipper.

"Dude, I've never seen you guys so pumped." Soos said.

"Well, back at home, me and Dipper were kinda the kings of trick-or-treating." Mabel said, opening up a scrapbook of some of their Halloweens together. "Twins in costumes. The people eat it up."

"Well you dudes better be careful out there." Soos warned. "It's a night of ghouls and goblins. Not to mention… the Summerween Trickster." Soos said, turning the lights off and holding a flashlight up to give the last part a slightly spooky vibe.

"The summer-what what-what?" Mabel asked, confused.

"The Trickster goes door-to-door, so the legend goes, eating children who lack the Summerween spirit." Soos said.

"Well, you don't have to worry about us. We've got spirit to go around." Dipper said, eating a piece of candy, then choking on it. "Ugh! What is this stuff?!" Dipper said. "I've never even heard of these brands! 'Sand Pop'? 'Gummy Chairs'? 'Mr. Adequate-Bar'?"

"This is all cheap-o loser candy!" Mabel said.

"Let me try one." I said, as I grabbed a gummy chair and ate it. It tasted like rubber. "Yup. This is really bad."

"Quiet your discontent, children." Soos said. "Lest the Trickster overhear."

"Your cape is caught in your fly, Soos." Dipper deadpanned as he walked away.

"Touché." Soos said.

"Goodbye, loser candy." Dipper said, tossing the candy out the window until the doorbell rang.

"Trick-or-treaters! Quick! Give 'em that terrible candy!" Stan yelled.

Dipper walked over to the door holding the bowl of candy and opened it. "Happy Summerw— AH!"

"'Sup, squirt?" Robbie said.

"Hey, Dipper." Wendy greeted.

"Wendy!" Dipper laughed. "Wh-what's up, guys?"

"Ugh. I left my jacket here. Again." Wendy said.

"Ugh. _Please_ tell me Nathan isn't wearing that terrible hat now, too." Robbie said. I glared at him. "And what's with the candy? You going trick-or-treating or something?"

"Well, actually, I, uh…" Dipper stammered.

"Shut up Robbie, it's a cool hat. And of course they're not going trick-or-treating." Wendy said.

"No, yeah, I, uh…" Dipper stammered, hiding the scrapbook of Halloween memories behind his back. "Trick-or-treating is for babies. I guess."

"You should come to this party with us. Tambry's parents are out of town and it's gonna be off the chain." Wendy said.

"Not surprised _you two_ didn't hear about it." Robbie said, handing Dipper a flyer for the party.

" _Actually_ , as a matter of fact, I knew about it the whole time." I cut in, a bit irritated at Robbie.

"Whatever." Robbie said.

Wendy and Robbie began leaving as Dipper looked at the flyer. "Hey guys, wait!" Dipper called out. "Maybe I'll see you at the party."

"If you're not too busy playing dress-up." Robbie said. Wendy elbowed him.

"It's at nine. Don't forget!" Wendy yelled as they drove off.

"What am I gonna tell Mabel?" Dipper said, walking back inside and up the stairs, and I ended up dozing off for a bit on the chair.

When I woke up, I heard Mabel talking.

"Nathan! Here! Get into your costume!" Mabel said, throwing something at me, which comically landed over my face. I grabbed it and looked at it, and saw it appeared to be a skeleton costume. I went into the bathroom and put it on, keeping my clothes on underneath and my hat on my head. I came out to see Mabel and her friends at the door with Stan standing there.

"Grunkle Stan, these re my best friends: Candy and Grenda." Mabel said. Mabel was dressed as a jar of jelly, Candy was dressed up as a piece of candy, and Grenda was dressed up as a witch. Stan was dressed up as a vampire standing in front of them.

"I am so sweet, I could eat myself." Candy said.

"Hello, Mr. Pines!" Grenda said.

"You got a cold honey? Something wrong with your voice there?" Stan asked.

"What do you mean? Why would you say that?" Grenda asked. Instead of responding, Stan just turned and walked away.

"Is Waddles coming with us?" Candy asked.

"I wish he could, but he's got some very important meetings to attend." Mabel said. Right then, Waddles walked in, dressed in a business suit as Mabel picked him up. "File these documents under I. For I have a curly tail!" Mabel said as they laughed.

"What about your brother? Or Nathan?" Grenda asked.

"Well, Nathan fell asleep earlier so we chose his costume for him. As for Dipper… oh man guys, just wait until you see Dipper's costume! It's amazing!" Mabel said, before hearing footsteps coming down the stairs. "Here he comes now." Dipper walked down the stairs and stopped at the bottom, wearing his usual outfit.

"That is a very good Dipper costume." Candy said.

"What the hey-hey, bro-bro? Where's your costume?" Mabel asked.

"Look, I can't go trick-or-treating. I'm… uh… really sick." Dipper said, faking a cough. "Must've been that bad candy. You go on without me." Dipper said, falling down.

"Fight through it, man! Where's your Summerween spirit?" Mabel said. Right after she did, a knock was heard at the door. Dipper got up and answered it.

"Trick or treat." A voice said. It was the Trickster.

"Dude. Really?" Dipper said. "You're a little old for this, man. Sorry."

"But wait. I-" He was cut off as Dipper closed the door.

"Why'd you close the door?" Mabel asked.

"I told you Mabel, I'm just not feeling it tonight." Dipper said, then faked another cough.

"I think a little trick-or-treating will make you feel better." Mabel said.

"I'm not trick-or-treating!" Dipper insisted. Then another knock was heard and Dipper opened it up. "Look, man, just go to another house!" Dipper said, slamming the door.

"Dipper! Where's your Summerween hospitality?" Mabel said as yet another knock was heard.

"I'm not getting that." Dipper said.

"Well I am!" Mabel said, opening the door. "I apologize for my brother. He came down with a case of the grumpy-grumps."

"SILENCE!" The Trickster yelled, shocking Mabel. "You have insulted me! And for this, you must pay… with your lives." The Trickster said, showing his 'face' in the light, which was a yellow smiley mask.

"Oh, what a cute little mask. You're a funny guy, aren't you?" Mabel said, not taking the threat seriously. Dipper was clearly unamused, too.

"Funny, am I?" The Trickster said, stepping inside.

"Trick-or-treat." The scene was interrupted as a short kid wearing a pirate costume came up on the porch. "My name is Gourney." He said. Almost immediately, the trickster grabbed him and _ate him whole_. "Remember me!" Gourney yelled out as he was swallowed, much t the shock of everyone.

"There's only one way for you to avoid his fate." The Trickster said, frightening them even more. "I need a treat. If you can collect 600 pieces of candy, and bring it to me before the last jack-o-melon goes out…" The trickster began, pulling out a watermelon carved like a jack-o-lantern and lighting it with its thumb and blowing it out. "…I will let you live."

"Six hundred treats in one night?!" Dipper asked. "That's impossible!"

"The choice is yours, children. You must trick-or-treat… or die." The trickster said, walking outside and jumping onto the roof of the shack as we all ran outside to see him crawling up the roof like a spider.

"Oh my gosh; Mabel, do you know what this means?" Dipper said.

"I do." Mabel said, seemingly taking this seriously, before shouting excitedly. "It means you have to come trick-or-treating! Yay!" Mabel shouted, before her smile gradually turned back into a frightened frown.

"Who was that guy?" Candy asked.

"It's the legend Soos told us about." Mabel said. "It's true!"

"What do we do, what do we do?!" Grenda shouted, shaking Dipper.

"What's going on out here, dudes? I heard a ruckus." Soos said, coming outside. "Heh heh. That's a funny word. Ruckus."

"Soos! A monster is making us trick-or-treat, or else he's gonna eat us!" Dipper said.

"I got a picture!" Candy said, pulling out her phone and showing an edited picture of the Trickster with stickers that made it look less intimidating.

"The Summerween Trickster!" Soos confirmed. "Oh man, dudes. You guys are in crazy-bonkers trouble." Soos said.

"How are we gonna get that much candy in one night?" Dipper said. "There's no way!"

"Yeah!" I said. "If I wasn't here, the Trickster would've asked for 500 pieces, but now he wants 600!"

"How do you know that?" Grenda asked.

"Long story." I said.

Mabel's clapping caught our attention. We turned and saw Mabel standing on a hay bale as we walked over. "Listen up, people!" Mabel said. "Now _some_ might say that being cursed by a bloodthirsty holiday monster is a bad thing." Mabel said.

"I wet myself." Grenda said.

"Whoa! T.M.I.!" I said.

"But that monster messed with the wrong crew." Mabel continued. "With Candy's spirit, Grenda's strength, Dipper's brains, Nathan's future knowledge, and… Soos here, we'll get 600 pieces of candy and have fun doing it, too! Even if it takes all night!" Mabel finished as the others began cheering. "To the streets!" Mabel said, as the others went off and Dipper stayed behind for a bit.

"All night?" He said, looking at the poster and his watch. "But-but, I'm sick, remember?" Dipper said, faking a cough.

"Dipper, what's worse: getting eaten by a horrifying monster, or going trick-or-treating with us?" Mabel asked.

"Well…" Dipper said.

"Come on!" Mabel said, grabbing him and tugging him along as we followed and we headed into town. Along the way, we had found a wheelbarrow and Dipper was the one to push it. Meanwhile, everyone else was carrying a bag for the candy.

"I don't understand why we can't just buy our candy and be done with it." Dipper said.

"That sorta takes the fun out of trick-or-treat-or-die." Mabel said.

"I'm trying to take the 'die' out of 'trick-or-treat-or-die'." Dipper argued as we came up on our first house.

"Trick-or-treat!"

"And is everybody in costume?" Lazy Susan asked, who was our first stop, and was dressed as a ball of yarn. "Chimney sweep, elephant man, squeegee, ant farm, Easter bunny." Lazy Susan listed off, pointing at Grenda, Soos, Candy, Mabel, and me before pausing at Dipper. "Oh, and what are you supposed to be?"

"Um, actually—"

"ACTUALLY!" I yelled, cutting Dipper off. "He's, um… he's… a factory worker! Yeah. He's a factory worker at a hat company!" I said.

"Oh, how delightful!" Lazy Susan replied, pouring part of the bag of candy in each of our bags and in the wheelbarrow. "Enjoy!" Lazy Susan said, closing the door.

"Nice save, Nathan." Mabel said.

"Thanks." I replied. "If I hadn't said anything, she would've given us one piece of candy each except for Dipper."

"You see, Dipper?" Mabel said. "Nathan just saved your butt just now! We've gotta up our game! You've gotta put on your costume."

"I told you I'm not up to it, Mabel." Dipper said, faking another cough.

"Oh really?" The trickster said suddenly, from on top of a nearby lamppost and crawled down on top of Soos and grabbed one of the pieces of candy out of his candy collection. "Hmm… I've seen better." The trickster said, grabbing a nearby jack-o-melon and jumping onto a roof. "Tick tock." He said as he blew it out and left.

"So what was that about being too sick to wear a costume?" Mabel said.

"Ugh. Fine." Dipper said, as Mabel gave Dipper a grocery bag holding his costume and he left to change. After a few minutes, footsteps were heard.

"Introducing, for the first time in public… tadaa! Peanut butter and jelly!" Mabel said as Dipper came up in a peanut butter jar costume, matching Mabel's jelly jar costume.

"Aww…"

"I will make it internet famous!" Candy said, taking out her phone and snapping a picture.

"Hey! Erase that!" Dipper said. "Let's just get this over with, okay?"

"Over with! Over with!" Everyone chanted as Dipper followed the rest of us. At the next house, Mabel asked the rest of us to stay out of sight as Dipper went up and rang the doorbell.

"Do you really think this will make a difference?" Dipper asked. Just then, a muscular-looking guy answered the door and looked at the twins while holding a bowl of candy. At this cue, Dipper and Mabel did a little 'twin dance'. The guy smiled brightly and poured the entire bowl of candy into their bag. After that house, we all split up, occasionally meeting up with each other and dumping our candy into the wheelbarrow. At a particular house, we rang the doorbell and Toby Determined answered.

"Ah!"

"What a horrible mask!" Mabel yelled.

"That's just my face. This is a mask." Toby said, putting on a monster mask. "Rawr!"

"Oh yeah." "Yeah." "Yeah, that's actually a lot better."

After that moment, we continued on our way, going door-to-door collecting candy. After a while, we met up with a nearly overflowing wheelbarrow of candy. "…598, 599! We did it!" Mabel yelled, as everyone cheered. "All we need is one more piece of candy."

"And it's only 8:30! Perfect timing!" Dipper said.

"Yeah, and your cough went away, too!" Mabel said.

"Dude, I'm gonna go around and grab the truck. Soos away!" Soos said, running off to drive up in his pickup truck.

"Last one to the final house is a pair of wax lips!" Mabel said, as we all ran off, except for Dipper. We got the last piece of candy needed, and got back in time to catch Dipper not in his costume, the candy nowhere in sight, and a car driving off as Dipper waved them off.

"You're going to a party?" Mabel asked dejectedly.

"W-well, hey, I-" Dipper stammered as Mabel threw the last piece of candy at him.

"That's why you were acting so weird and trying to hurry us! You're not sick at all! So if it wasn't for this crazy monster, you were gonna ditch me! On our favorite holiday!" Mabel said. "What happened to the Dipper who used to love Halloween?" Mabel asked, before pausing to look around. "And where's all the candy?!"

"Relax, relax. I left it right here. Behind this bush." Dipper said, walking over to a bush and parting it before looking down. "Oh no." The wheelbarrow was laying in a steep riverbank with all of the candy floating down the river."

"What did you do?!" Mabel asked.

"Uh… guys?" Grenda said. The entire neighborhood was dark.

"Oh no! All the jack-o-melons are out!" Mabel said.

"Look!" Dipper said, pointing to McGucket holding the last one, and getting ready to blow it out. Everyone frantically ran up to him in order to stop him.

"Eh? What's happening?" McGucket asked.

"Just don't blow out that candle." Dipper said.

"What?"

"Don't blow out that candle!" Dipper repeated, more loudly this time.

"I'm Old Man McGucket!" He said, getting ready to blow out the candle again. Grenda head-butted him away and grabbed the melon.

"Sorry." Grenda said, as McGucket left.

"Whew. That was close." Dipper said, as everyone breathed a sigh of relief. However, this was enough to extinguish the last jack-o-melon in town.

"Uh-oh." Mabel said, as the Trickster walked up.

"Knock knock." The Trickster said, imitating knocking on a door, as he continued to approach us. "So children, where's my candy?"

"I swear we have all 600 pieces. Look, it's down there somewhere. We can still get it." Dipper said.

"I'm afraid it's too late!" The trickster said, as he began transforming. "That was your last chance." Dipper threw the candy bar he had at the Trickster, only for it to absorb the candy as it began laughing and transforming.

"Go, go, go, go!" Dipper yelled, as we all ran off and the Trickster chased us, grabbing me, then Candy, then Mabel as Mabel began screaming. "Mabel!" Dipper yelled, stopping, before getting caught himself as the Trickster laughed, until Soos' truck ran into it and we all fell down.

"We're alive! Yeah!" Grenda shouted as Soos stopped his truck and we all ran up.

"Soos!" Dipper and Mabel yelled.

"That wasn't, like, a regular pedestrian, was it?" Soos asked.

"It was the monster!" Mabel answered.

"Thanks, Soos." Dipper said. "Boy. I'm just glad it's over, right?" Mabel said nothing as she turned and walked away, before everyone piled into Soos' truck.

"Did everyone remember to put on their seatbelts?" Soos asked.

"Yes." Everyone answered, except for Mabel, who just silently nodded.

"Let's go!" Soos said, driving off. The ride was quiet, but only for a few seconds.

"Uh… guys?" Mabel said. We looked back and saw the Trickster reforming, now with nothing but the mask on, as it jumped at us, landing on the top of the truck. Soos kept swerving to get it off, but it wasn't until the Trickster was hit by a lamppost that it finally fell off. Soos kept driving towards the store, at an alarming speed.

"Brakes, brakes, brakes!" Dipper urged. Soos slammed on the brakes, but we still crashed through the doors and into the store. "We have to hide!" Dipper yelled, as we all scattered across the store while the Trickster came in. I hid in an empty shelf, Soos was across from me in a rack of costumes, and Candy and Grenda were in an empty shelf next to Soos. Finally, Dipper and Mabel hid in the empty shelf that I was also occupying.

"Everyone stay quiet." Dipper whispered.

"Oh, now you're worried about the monster. I thought all you cared about was Wendy." Mabel whispered.

"Mabel, you know that's not true." Dipper said, pausing as the Trickster passed by. "I just… I felt like I was getting a little too old to go trick-or-treating."

"Well, what about Nathan?" Mabel said. "Nathan, you still go trick-or-treating, right?"

"Well, actually, my mom stopped letting me go trick-or-treating a few years ago." I said. "I don't remember perfectly when, but I think around the time I got into high school I stopped going trick-or-treating and my mom would just buy a bag of candy for Halloween instead. And my brother was also forced to stop going trick-or-treating at the same time, even though he's a few years younger than me."

"You see, Dipper? That's exactly why we need to go trick-or-treating. We're getting older; there's not that many Halloweens left." Mabel said, before sighing. "I guess I didn't realize it was already our last one."

This moment was cut short when the trickster passed by again, roaring angrily. "We have to escape." Candy said.

"What if it sees us?" Grenda said.

"If only there was something we could use to cover our bodies and faces with. You know, like a disguise of some kind." Soos said, still standing in the costume rack. So we all got a costume on, and snuck our way to the door.

"Almost there." Dipper said as we neared the door. "Soos!" We turned back and Soos was about to press the skeleton in the bowl. "Stop!"

"Soos! Don't you dare!" Mabel said.

"Sorry, dude. Today's been way stressful. I need some levity." Soos said, pressing the skull, only for nothing to happen.

"Oh thank goodness. It was out of batteries." Mabel said. Soos, however, took out a pack of batteries and put them in, pressing the skull as it made a pun. The noise attracted the Trickster however, who came up and ate Soos whole.

"Hey, monster!" Dipper yelled. When we got its attention, we ran at it and attacked with our new weapons we had picked up from nearby. After Grenda chopped off its arm, bits of it fell down.

"Salt water taffy? Gross." Grenda said.

"You really haven't figured it out yet?" The Trickster said, picking us all up. "Don't you recognize me? Look at my face! Look closely." The trickster said, pulling off its mask to reveal a face made entirely of candy.

"Loser candy!" Mabel said.

"That's right! Did you ever stop and think of the candy at the bottom of the bag? That no one likes? Every year the children of Gravity Falls throw away all of their rejected candy into the dump. So I seek revenge. Revenge on the picky children who cast me aside!"

"So you decide to eat us?" I said.

"Exactly!" The trickster said. "Nobody would eat me. But now, I'm going to eat you." The trickster was about to eat us, until it began howling in pain as Soos popped out, eating part of it.

"'Sup, bro?" Soos said, as the Trickster fell to the ground, releasing us. "Dudes. You want some of this?" Soos asked. The others just shook their head 'no'.

"Wait. You actually think I taste good?" The Trickster asked.

"Um, sure." Soos said.

"All I've ever wanted was for someone to say that I was good." The Trickster said, crying candy corns.

"The crying makes it a little weird, but… I guess I'm still eating." Soos said. Then all of a sudden, the same kid from earlier popped out. "'Sup, Gourney?" Soos said.

"I've been traumatized!" Gourney said, while smiling. We all headed out, piling back into Soos' truck and headed back to the shack, and Dipper even put his costume back on, too.

We all walked into the living room and greeted Stan. "How's it hanging?" Stan said.

"Hey Dipper." Wendy said, sitting at the table.

"Wendy!" Dipper exclaimed.

"I didn't see you at the party. Where were you?" Wendy asked.

"Uh, I uh… I was trick-or-treating. With my sister." Dipper answered.

"Eh. Party was lame anyway." Wendy said. "Robbie ate a lollipop stick-first and had to go home sick." Wendy said, as Dipper struggled to hold in his laughter.

"Aw man." Mabel said suddenly. "We went to every single house and we didn't even get to eat any candy." Mabel said.

"Candy?" Stan said, pulling out two large bags of candy. "How's _that_ for candy?"

We all sat at the TV and watched some bad horror films, eating the candy.

"Y'know kids, I've been thinking." Stan said. "At the end of the day, Summerween isn't about candy, or costumes, or even scaring people. It's a day where the whole family can get together in one place, and celebrate what really matters: _pure evil!_ " Stan said, as we all did a maniacal laughter together, before it eventually died down.

"I ate a man alive tonight." Soos said suddenly as everyone looked at him and I chuckled.

After the evening, I headed back into my dimension, where I was still in Oklahoma, and snuck my portal remote back into my bag, since I'd be back in Colorado before next week's adventure.


	13. Boss Mabel

**Chapter 13: Boss Mabel**

So on new years day, we made the return trip back to Colorado, but other than that, things have been rather uneventful. Having been thinking about my weekly adventures, I wondered just how later events would play out with myself added into the mix, like meeting Bill Cipher for example. And having re-watched Weirdmageddon the other day, it just made me wonder how I'll do during it. I figured that during Weirdmageddon, I should probably take a backpack of food and water with me as it will last a few days and food will be hard to come across. Also concerning my adventures, as it turns out, apparently my family had already made plans for Saturday, so I couldn't take a trip to Gravity Falls yesterday, so I decided on Sunday instead. I decided that even though it would be delayed, I would still take my weekly trip to Gravity Falls. So I grabbed my portal remote and stepped through the swirling blue vortex and into the Mystery Shack's living room.

The Pines family were all watching Cash Wheel; their world's equivalent of Wheel Of Fortune with slight variations. One of the contestants spun the wheel, and it landed on Cash Shower.

 _"Congratulations!"_ The host said. _"You're taking a… cash shower!"_

"Cash shower!" Stan shouted out along with the game host. The contestant on screen grabbed some bills falling from above, and shoved the other two out of the way when they picked up any stray bills. "I like that guy's style." Stan commented.

"Mr. Pines!" Soos said, running into the room. "We've got tourists at 9:00. A whole busload of 'em!"

"Hot tamales, it's a jackpot!" Stan said. "Soos! Make some new attractions!"

"You got it, boss." Soos said, already making one.

"Wendy! Mark up those prices! The higher, the better!" Stan said as Wendy sighed and changed a sign from $2 to $20. "Higher! Bleed 'em dry!" Stan said, as Wendy further raised it to $200.

"Yeesh, Grunkle Stan." Dipper commented. "It's like when you look at tourists, all you see are wallets with legs."

"That's not true." Stan said dismissively, looking out the window for a moment, then rubbing his eyes. "Cleanup on the front lawn!" Stan said, as Dipper walked outside with a broom and bucket. _'I am SO glad I don't have to do that.'_ "Nathan! Come here; you're going to be an attraction." Stan said suddenly.

"Wait, what?"

"You heard me!" Stan said. "Now, is there anything you can do that can be considered weird or unnatural?"

"Well, the way I stretch apparently is pretty freaky." I said, as I stretched. My stretching method is that I stretch my arms forward with my palms facing outward, bring one arm over the other in a crisscross fashion, close them together palm-to-palm and interlace my fingers, then bring both my arms over my head and behind my back with my hands staying together the entire time. It's easy to do—for me. Others seem unable to do it at all.

"Holy smokes! Alright, you're gonna be one of the main attractions, kid! Make me some money!" Stan said. I was put next to an irritated-looking Dipper in a wolf costume. Much of the tour was unseen by me and Dipper as we were behind a curtain. Thankfully, I didn't mind doing this too much, although Dipper looked pretty unhappy about it. After a short while, Stan came up to our part of the tour.

"Be astounded by the horrible pre-teen wolf boy and his very flexible friend!" Stan said, pulling up the curtain. I did my stretching method I described, and the tourists were pretty interested.

"Grunkle Stan, this is demeaning." Dipper said.

"What? I don't know… _da meaning_ of that word!" Stan said, causing the tourists to laugh. "If you throw money at them, they dance." Stan said, as the tourists did just that. Dipper was pelted by quarters into submission as he danced miserably, but I just stood there. Meanwhile, Stan was collecting all the money in a jar, before he collected the rest of the money around me and Dipper and continued on with the tour. After the end of the tour, we headed into the gift shop.

"Grunkle Stan, why do I have to wear this wolf costume?" Dipper asked. "I think I'm getting hookworm."

"Heh heh; yep. Gluing dog hair to your body will do that to ya." Stan said, laughing.

"You have all these dumb, fake exhibits in the shack. Meanwhile, I've seen actual amazing things in the forest every day." Dipper said. "What if you hunted down a real attraction instead of lying to people for a living?"

"And you should be nicer to your employees, too." Mabel added.

"Yeah!" Dipper said as him and Mabel exchanged a high-five.

"Look. You guys got a problem with how I run the shack, take it up with the complaints department." Stan said, holding up a trash can.

"I am going to write them such a letter." Mabel said, pulling out a piece of paper and writing the letter.

"Alright, enough of that." Stan said, grabbing some cans of glitter and paint brushes and rollers. "Now go up and paint the sign with this glitter. All of you." Stan said, making me, Dipper, Mabel, Soos, and Wendy go up to the roof and do just that, but not before he gave us some outfits to do the painting in. I had also decided to put my new hat I got for Christmas in a safe place so it wouldn't get any glitter paint on it. "And don't stop 'till you cover that sign with glitter! Glittery signs attract tourists! Also large birds." Stan said as we were painting the sign with glitter. Right after Stan said that, a bird came down and attacked Soos.

"Okay, is it just me, or is having Grunkle Stan as a boss seriously the worst?" Dipper said after Stan left.

"I know, right? Why do we even put up with it?" Wendy said.

"I tried to give him a suggestion to improve the shack once." Soos said. "I had this idea where I could be, like, the shack mascot: Questiony the Question Mark. I ask people questions, you know, do the question dance."

"That sounds amazing!"

"Whoa. Cool."

"Yeah. Totally."

"Yeah, well… Stan said I couldn't handle it." Soos said.

"He said what?!" Mabel yelled. "Oh, I am _so_ going to talk to him about this!" Mabel said as we finished covering the sign in glitter.

An hour later, we came outside and saw Mabel and Stan talking.

"See you in 72 hours! Ha ha! We'll see who makes more money." Stan said, climbing into his car in a vacation outfit as he tossed his fez and it landed perfectly on Mabel's head, then he drove off laughing.

"Mabel, did you just make a bet with a professional conman?" Dipper asked.

"Oh, c'mon. Being a better boss than Stan will be a cinch. Profit, here we come!" Mabel said, holding out the empty glass jar, which slid out of her hands, but I caught it before it could hit the ground and handed it back to Mabel. "Thanks."

"I guess I shouldn't be _too_ worried." Dipper said. "I mean, how much money could Stan even make on vacation?"

"Yeah." Mabel said.

Later on, Mabel had Dipper get me, Wendy, and Soos as we all came into Stan's office. "You wanted to see us, Mr. Pines?" Soos asked. Then Mabel spun the chair around, dressed in a business suit.

"Stan is no longer with us." Mabel said, scooting up in the chair.

"He's dead?! No! It should've been me!" Soos yelled out. Watching it on TV; it was funny. Seeing it in person; it was actually kind of sad.

"Whoa, Soos, Stan's not dead. He's on vacation for 3 days." Mabel said. "We made a bet."

"Thank you for that clarification." Soos said, wiping away the tears.

"Mabel's in charge now!"

"Are those shoulder pads?" Dipper asked.

"Uh-huuuuh." Mabel said, wiggling her shoulders. "It's just one of the many up-to-date managerial tricks I learned from this book I found propping up the kitchen table." Mabel said, holding up a 1983 business book and taking a drink from a mug that read #2 Boss.

"Why does your mug say #2?" Dipper asked.

"Because the real #1… is you." Mabel said, holding up a small mirror as the others voiced their understanding.

"Walk with me. With me as boss, you're gonna notice a few changes around here. My job is to help you be your best 'S.E.L.V.E.S.': Satisfied Everyday Loving life Very much Everyday Satisfied. Great listening ears so far!" Mabel said, giving each of us a sticker. "Waddles, hold my calls." Mabel said, as Waddles began chewing on the phone.

"All right people, now wrap with me." Mabel said as we made our way into the gift shop. "Wendy. How can I make your work space more Wendy-friendly?"

"Hmm. Well, Stan never lets me hang out with friends at work." Wendy said.

"Stan ain't here, sister. Doors open!" Mabel said.

"Sweet!"

"And Soos, I believe this is yours." Mabel said, pulling out a large question mark.

"Questiony the Question Mark?!" Soos exclaimed. "I wish this was an exclamation point to show how excited I am."

"As for you, Dipper." Mabel said, pulling out the wolf costume, before putting it inn the shredder. "Die, old costume, die!" Mabel yelled. "I want you and Nathan to head into those woods and don't come back until you've found an amazing attraction!"

"Finally! Time to show Stan how a real mystery hunter does it." Dipper said as we headed off. Dipper grabbed a heavy mace and tumbled out the window while I went out the front door.

"Maybe we don't bring that mace." I said.

"Yeah, alright." Dipper said, going back inside and coming back a few minutes later with the golf cart and a large sack. a shovel, and some rope. We headed into the spooky part of the forest where Dipper dug a hole.

"Alright, this tiger trap should be enough to get us something." Dipper said, covering up the hole with leaves and branches, before we hid. After a while, we heard some loud rustling, and there in the hole was a large creature; the gremloblin! Its head and shoulders were sticking out of the hole though. Dipper went over and put the sack over its head slowly, and it fell asleep. Dipper tied one end of the rope around the sack and I tied the other to the back of the golf cart. We dragged it out of the hole and back to the shack.

"Mabel! We captured something. This is gonna blow those tourists away!" Dipper said laughing as he dragged the sack over. The monster briefly attacked Dipper, but a few swift punches and it was off of him.

"Marvelous work, valued employees." Mabel said as we headed inside to get it into a cage, then we put a tarp over it and waited for some tourists.

After a while, Dipper spotted some. "Ladies and gentlemen, my name's Honest Dipper, and this is my friend, Sincere Nathan. And unlike my cheating uncle, we have something to show you that isn't a hoax. It nearly killed us getting it into that cage. Behold, part gremlin, part goblin, the gremloblin!" Dipper said, as I pulled off the tarp. The gremloblin growled and snarled and even spit out a human skeleton arm.

"Well that's fun." The tourist said.

"It's fake, honey. You can see the strings." The tourist's wife said.

"What? Those aren't strings, that's body hair." Dipper said. The tourists' attention was drawn to the six-pack-alope instead though. "No, everything _else_ here is fake. This is a real paranormal beast." Dipper said. "Hey. Fun fact about this little guy; if you look into his eyes, you can see your worst nightmare." The tourists looked into its eyes. "Amazing, right? …I work for tips." Dipper said. Then they fell backwards onto the floor, not responding to anything. "Uh-oh." Dipper ran and called the ambulance, and they came and took the tourists away. I went into the gift shop and saw Mabel rushing around.

"Need some help?" I asked. "Need me to do the cash register?"

"Yes please." Mabel said. I manned the cash register, doing pretty good for my first time ever operating one, then Dipper walked in.

"Well, I just made two people go insane." Dipper said. "How 'bout you?"

"I'm so tired. I gave Wendy the day off, so I had to do her job." Mabel said. "Thankfully, Nathan came in and offered to do the cash register."

"Well maybe you need to start being a little bit tougher around here." Dipper said.

"No way, that's what Stan would do!" Mabel said. "I just need to think positive, be friendly, and everything will work out fine." Mabel said, before a roar was heard, and the gremloblin crashed through the wall, scaring away all the tourists.

"What?! How did he get out of his locked cage?" Dipper asked as we hid.

"Well… I might have given him the key for a 5 minute break." Mabel said.

"You gave him a break?!" Dipper said.

"He's an employee! Sort of…" Mabel said.

"We've gotta round him up. Where's Soos?" Dipper asked.

"He was stressed out so I told him to take a soothing nature walk." Mabel said. The gremloblin continued wreaking havoc around the gift shop, knocking a TV into our view, which showed Cash Wheel with Stan on it. We all ran back into the employees only area, or the house part, and hid there, before we peeked out and saw the gremloblin giving himself some stickers.

"What do we do? He's awarding himself stickers that he didn't even earn!" Mabel said, before Dipper pulled out the Journal.

"Uh, got it! 'When fighting a gremloblin, use water…'" Dipper read, pausing to turn the page as Mabel splashed water in the gremloblin. "'…Only as a lastt resort as water will make it much, much scarier'?! Ahh! Who writes sentences like that?!" Dipper said as the gremloblin transformed.

"Apparently, the author writes sentences like that." I said.

"Don't worry. He's gotta leave eventually." Dipper said. However, the gremloblin became interested in the singing salmon. Then I decided enough was enough.

"Mabel, where's that mirror you had earlier?" I asked.

"Right here. Why?" Mabel said, grabbing the mirror out of Dipper's vest and handing it to me. I walked out and walked up to the gremloblin.

"Nathan! What are you doing?!" Dipper asked. I didn't answer as I approached it.

"Hey, monster! Take a good look!" I said, catching its attention as I held out the mirror. After a few seconds, it ran off, crashing through the wall while whimpering.

"Well, at least he didn't do _that_ much damage." Dipper said, as I handed him the mirror and he put it back in his vest. Of course, the gremloblin decided to take flight, breaking the totem pole which fell onto a nearby car. "Oh boy."

"Dipper, it's the third day. We've only got 7 hours to earn back our profits or I've gotta wear that loser shirt all summer!" Mabel said. After a few minutes, Soos and Wendy came back.

"Hey guys. Am I nuts or does this place look different?" Wendy said.

"Wendy! Soos! Am I glad to see you." Mabel said. "We've got a lot of work to do, but if we hurry, we can still beat Stan!" Mabel said.

"Uh, yeah. I got a little headache, so maybe I should, like, not work today." Wendy said.

"And I actually just met this pack of wolves. And I think they're gonna, like… raise me as one of their own." Soos said. "So I should really be at the den right now."

"But, but…"

"But, hey." Wendy said, as her and Soos walked out. "See you on Monday."

After this, Mabel finally cracked. "ENOUGH!" Mabel shouted, surprising everyone. "I have had it! I fought a monster to save this business! And this is how you repay me?! I'm gonna get an ulcer from your lollygagging!"

"Lollygagging?" Wendy asked.

"Ulcer?" Soos asked. "You're acting… different."

"You shut your yaps! I've been doing everyone's jobs while you bums have been bleeding me dry!" Mabel said.

"But I-"

"No buts except yours on the floor cleaning. Now quit loafing and get to work!" Mabel ordered.

"Yes, Mabel." Wendy said.

"That's yes, BOSS!" Mabel said, slamming her fist on the counter, knocking Stan's fez onto her head before she looked into the mirror and gasped. "Dipper, what have I become?" Mabel asked.

"What you had to, Mabel. What you had to." Dipper said.

"We've got 7 hours to turn this around! Let's go, people!" Mabel said.

We all got to work, making repairs and guiding tours, then we came together at the end of the day. "How'd we do?" Dipper asked.

"We filled the whole jar!" Mabel said, as everyone cheered. Then Dipper did some calculations on the repairs.

"Minus the money to replace all the furniture, supplies to fix the shack, that leaves us…"

"$42." Mabel said, holding up the jar, then Stan walked in.

"Tick tock. Time's up, kids." Stan said.

"Oh no." Mabel said.

"Nice to see you learned how to dress well while I was gone." Stan joked.

"How much did you beat us by?" Mabel asked.

"I won $300,000!" Stan said. "And then… I lost all of my money on the bonus word." Stan said, as he explained his moment of loss. "…And then he said that the bonus word was…"

"Please." Mabel said.

"Apparently that word can make you money." Stan said.

"So, wait. If you lost everything, then that means… Mabel, you won!" Dipper said as we cheered.

"Well, according to our bet, I guess Mabel's the new… boss?" Stan said, as everyone frantically said 'no'. "Huh? What?"

"Grunkle Stan, I had no idea how hard it was being boss. This place was cukoo bananas until I started barking orders at everyone like you." Mabel said.

"Yeah, well, I gotta admit: it's kinda nice to be back, y'know." Stan said, pulling the twins in for a hug. "Okay, okay, that's enough. Get off of me. And Soos, Wendy… get to work! Ahem… please." Stan said. "Ugh. Still hurts."

"Mabel, didn't your agreement say something about Stan having to do some kind of apology dance if he lost?" Dipper asked.

"N-n-no. No it didn't." Stan panicked.

"Actually, yeah, I think I have it in my notes here." Mabel said.

"No! That never happened!" Stan said.

"Ha ha, I'll get the camera." Wendy said.

"All right, let me just…" Stan said, before running away.

"Grunkle Stan!" Mabel yelled. "Get back here!" I laughed as Mabel chased Stan down while I walked back through the portal to my house. Though as it turns out, the strange time-thing happened again as 6 minutes had passed. But other than that, I can safely say that this week's adventure has come to a close.


	14. Bottomless Pit

**Chapter 14: Bottomless Pit**

We careened over towards the bottomless pit in the golf cart, before we climbed out and walked over. "In this land of ours, there are many great pits. But none more bottomless than the bottomless pit." Stan said. "Which as you can see here is bottomless." We all peeked into the hole, not seeing a bottom. It was literally endless darkness in the pit.

"Question: Is it bottomless?" Soos asked as Stan irritably sighed.

"Kids, could one of you try explaining this to Soos?" Stan said.

"Grunkle Stan, why are we here again?" Dipper asked.

"To dispose of things we don't want. So long, Mystery Shack suggestion cards!" Stan said, tossing some cards into the pit.

"Goodbye, creepy love letters from Lil' Gideon. Die, die!" Mabel said, tossing Gideon's gifts to Mabel into the pit, and Soos took off his shoes and threw them into the pit.

"What are you doing?" Dipper asked.

"Throwing stuff, dude. Everyone's doing it." Soos answered, rushing off and tossing a grill in. At the same time, Mabel came up and was pushing a large box with a lock around it.

"What'cha got there, Mabel?" Stan asked.

"It's just my personal box of mysterious secrets. Nothing worth wondering about." Mabel said, laughing, then pushing the box in. "Goodbye forever!"

"Grunkle Stan, do I really have to be the one to point out that a bottomless pit is, by definition, impossible?" Dipper said.

"Says you." Stan said, still disposing of the cards.

"Well, I guess we'll never know." Mabel said, before a moderately strong wind blew through.

"Aah! It's some sort of invisible pushing force!" Soos said.

"Quick, everyone back to the shack!" Dipper said, as they started towards the shack.

"I'm not done getting rid of these yet!" Stan said, trying to throw more of the suggestion cards into the pit.

"Grunkle Stan, no!" Mabel said, as they tried to keep Stan from falling in, but it ended up with all of them falling in. I shrugged, tightened my hat, and jumped in after them. Everyone was screaming for a solid 30 seconds before they finally stopped.

"So, anyone wanna scream some more?" Soos said.

"Where are we?" Dipper asked. Mabel took out a glow stick and cracked it, illuminating us, but nothing else.

"We're somewhere where it looks like we're nowhere." Mabel said, then put her arm through the string and laughed as the stick floated upwards.

"We're gonna land on something eventually. Could be any second now!" Dipper said as the others braced for a landing that never happened.

"Well, it looks like we're down here for the long haul. Who wants to see some card tricks?" Stan said, pulling out a deck of cards and shuffling them, only for them to float up as we kept falling. "Tadaa!" Stan said, as Mabel clapped.

"Hey. Maybe we should pass the time by telling stories." Soos said.

"I've got a story." Dipper said. "It's called 'The Time Grunkle Stan Got Us All Thrown Into A Bottomless Pit Where We Spent The Rest Of Our Natural Lives'!" Dipper said sourly.

"Go on…" Soos said.

"Come on Dipper, you can do better than that." Mabel said.

"Fine." Dipper said, grabbing the glow stick from Mabel. "I'll tell you a story. A story I'd like to call… Voice Over."

 _Flashback…_

When I came through my portal, I came out in the middle of a game Mabel made up called Spin the Pig.

"Spin The Pig!" Mabel and Soos said, spinning Waddles around. When Waddles slid to a stop, he was facing Stan.

"Hey, Grunkle Stan. Ever kissed a pig before?" Mabel asked.

"I'm not gonna answer that question." Stan said as I chuckled.

"Guys, guys!" Dipper said, coming out of the woods in a panic while holding his arm. "I think I just got bit by a snake! I need you to get me to a hospital quiIick!" Dipper said, his voice cracking as Stan laughed. "What? What's so funny?"

"Sorry, it's just hard to focus on what you're saying with that squeaky puberty voice you got there." Stan said.

"My what?" Dipper said.

"It's nothing to be ashamed of, Dipper. Your voice is hIlArIoUs!" Mabel said, imitating a voice crack.

"Are you saying my voice cracks? My voice doesn't crack." Dipper said.

"Dude, no offense, but it cracks so much, we've already made a techno remix out of it." Soos said, pulling out a recorder and pressing play.

 _"Nice to meet you. My name's Dipper Pines. Pi-Pi-Pine-Pine-Pines. Nice to meet you. Pi-Pi-Pines-Pines-Pines."_

"Do I really sound like that?" Dipper said.

"Oh, here comes my favorite part." Wendy said.

 _"StOp it, gUYs!"_

Mabel, Wendy and Soos all laughed as Dipper angrily snatched the tape, pressed stop, and ran off and I followed him into town.

"Nathan, what was it like for you when you went through puberty?" Dipper asked me.

"Well, I got a decent growth spurt and my voice got deeper, as well as growing hair pretty much all over except for my face and chest." I said. "In fact, before my growth spurt, I was one of the shortest kids in my grade, and now I'm 5 foot 6."

"Did your voice ever crack?" Dipper asked.

"Well, I can only remember one time when my voice did crack, and that was when I was humming a particularly high note of one of my favorite songs." I answered. _'The song I was humming was the Gravity Falls theme song.'_

"Well, you're pretty lucky then." Dipper said, sighing, as his voice cracked while he sighed. "Ugh, even my sighs sound weird!" Dipper complained.

"Hello there!" McGucket yelled, jumping out from a hole in the fence, startling Dipper. "I couldn't help but overhear yer sitiation. Old man McGucket! Part-time inventor." He said, spitting into his hand and holding it out for Dipper to shake.

"Why did you spit on your hand?" Dipper asked.

"I don't rightly know!" McGucket replied.

"Hey, I remember you." Dipper said suddenly. "Your robot almost killed us!"

"C'mere. Follow me into this dark, dangerous alley." McGucket said, grabbing me and Dipper by our wrists and leading us into the alley, before leading us into the junkyard through another hole in the fence and towards his lab and picked up a vial. "Lately I've been a-tinkerizing with a voice-altering tonic, on account of my HORRIFYING VOICE!" McGucket said, scaring off a nearby kid. _'What was that kid even doing in the junkyard anyway?'_ "You can run, but I'll still be in yer nightmares!"

"This will really fix my voice? Thanks!" Dipper said, taking the vial from McGucket and drinking it before we walked off.

The next morning, I came upstairs just in time to hear Dipper's new voice.

"Good morning, Dipper." Dipper said in a deep voice as I opened the door. "I did it. I _did_ it! Now I have a _new_ voice! Ha ha ha!" Dipper said, as he walked over to Mabel, who was still sleeping. "Morning, Mabel. Who's my favorite Mabel?"

Mabel woke up alright, and she started whacking Dipper with a golf club. "Aah! Who are you?! What have you done with my brother?! Dipper! I'll save you from this body-switching warlock!" Mabel yelled, swinging the club around as Dipper did his best to dodge it.

"Mabel, it's me." Dipper said. "This is my voice now. I sound awesome. Soouunnd awwesome."

"I know boy's voices change, but this is weird." Mabel said. "Weird and bad."

"Mabel, this is the best thing that has ever happened to me. And just think of the prank calls!" Dipper said, picking up a nearby phone and dialing a random number.

 _"Hello?"_

"Hello. This is the president of the United States of America. I'm calling to tell you…" Dipper paused, then blew several raspberries with his tongue into the phone.

 _"What? Who is this?!"_

Dipper hung up the phone and laughed. "Magnificent!" Dipper said.

"Mabel no like." Mabel said.

Later, we headed downstairs and into the gift shop. "How you diddly-doing, Soos?" Dipper said.

"Kill it! Kill it with fire!" Soos yelled, whacking Dipper with the broom. "Everyone flee!" Soos yelled as everyone did just that.

"What gives, man?" Dipper said. "Nathan was the only one who didn't make fun of my old voice. I thought you'd like the new one."

"Dude, at least before you sounded like a real person." Soos said. "Now you sound like some sorta weird commercial dude."

"I'll find Stan. He'll like my new voice! You'll see!" Dipper said, heading over to the door. "I'll be right back after these messages! Uh, I mean, goodbye." Dipper said, leaving, while I followed.

Dipper kept calling out for Stan as we walked around town when we passed by the biker joint. "Huh? I'd know that voice anywhere! You're the guy that prank-called me earlier!"

"No. No I'm not. I'm just a 12-year-old buy." Dipper said.

"You expect me to believe that, you crazy-voiced punk?!" He said.

"Wait, no! Ayiee!" Dipper said, running away while I followed. After a bit, several people were chasing us, then we ducked through a hole in the fence and into the junkyard where McGucket resides.

"McGucket, your invention was a catastrophe!" Dipper said, walking up to McGucket with the empty vial.

"That's probably why I live in the dump!" McGucket said.

"My own sister didn't recognize me! I scared away crowds! I even sound ridiculous when I cry." Dipper said.

"Well now, here's your problem." McGucket said, taking the vial. "I gave you the wrong drinky-majig. This one's for voice-over professionals." McGucket said, tossing the vial away and opening up the car hood that served as his lab and digging through it. "I'm sure I've got a better voice in here somewhere."

"Good. Hurry up." Dipper said.

"You got here just in time. Come sundown, you'd have reverted back to your ridiculous old voice." McGucket said.

"It was ridiculous, wasn't it?" Dipper said, taking out the tape recorder of the remix of his voice.

 _"Di-Di-Di-Dipper Pines. That's me."_ The recording played. Then Mabel's voice was heard.

 _"This remix is dedicated to my brother. Dipper, your voice is one of a kind."_ Mabel said in the recording.

 _"Dude, I've never heard anything like it. R-r-remix over!"_ Soos said, also in the recording.

"You ready for your new voice?" McGucket said, pulling out another vial. "This one should be permanent." Dipper took the vial and looked back and forth between it and the tape recorder, then holding it up to drink.

"I can't do it." Dipper said. "Come on, Nathan. Let's go back to the shack."

"Okay." I said, as we walked back to the shack. When we got there, I went in the front, and Dipper took another route as I walked into the living room where Mabel and Soos were. Moments later, Dipper came in and cleared his throat, gaining our attention.

"Hey guys." Dipper said, now back to his old voice. Soos and Mabel went over and hugged Dipper, glad to see his new voice gone. "Yeah. I guess I realized that even though my voice might not be perfect, it's still mine. And I wouldn't change it for anything. Not even for whatever was in this new vial." Dipper said, holding up the now empty vial.

"So what did you do with the rest of that potion?" Mabel asked.

"I dumped it in Stan's coffee." Dipper said.

"Any of you kids seen my girdle? Where my girdle at?" Stan said, talking in a high-pitched, slightly squeaky voice. The rest of us couldn't help but laugh. "What? What's so funny? I'm Grunkle Stan!" Stan said. "Kids laughing. Laughing at their Grunkle."

 _Back to the present…_

Yep, that was fairly interesting. I'm not entirely sure how a potion can change the way your voice sounds; with how speaking actually works scientifically speaking. But hey, it's Gravity Falls. The laws of science don't always apply here.

"I spy with my little eye, something that is… black." Mabel said. She had resorted to starting a game of I Spy.

"Everything." I said.

"Yay for Nathan!" Mabel said.

"Soos, mind telling us a story?" I asked, knowing full well that he did have a story.

"Really? Okay." Soos said, grabbing the glow stick. "This story is called Soos' Really Great Pinball Story. Is that a good title? Do they have to be, like, puns or whatever?"

"Yes, and no." I said. "And in that order."

 _Flashback…_

Dipper, Mabel and I were watching Soos play pinball that day.

"This is it, dudes. After four long years of trying, I might finally get the high score on Stan's trivial pinball machine." Soos said. "If I do this, I'll go down in pinball history with the likes of Sal, Gaff, and of course, Poo."

"Have you ever tried maybe, just, tilting the machine?" Dipper asked.

"I don't know, dudes. Isn't breaking the rules, like, against the rules?" Soos said.

"Nuts to the rules! Tilt, tilt, tilt!" Mabel said. Soos still wasn't sure, until he lost a ball.

"Failure! You stink!" The game said.

"Alright, that's it. Ready kids?" Soos said as Dipper and Mabel stood at the sides of the game and tilted it, before Soos tilted it as well, getting the ball into the cowboy skull's mouth.

"Bullseye! New high score!" The game said, as Soos' name appeared at the top of the high scores and everyone cheered.

"This is the best moment of my life!" Soos said. "This totally beats my old best moment."

"Well that ain't right. You cheated." The game said.

"Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?" Mabel said. "You're just a pinball game, pinball game. Taunt, taunt."

"Uh, guys? There's an awful lot of green lightning coming out of that game." Dipper said while the game fizzed with green electricity.

"Nah, that's the normal amount of green lightning." Soos said, just as the electricity intensified, momentarily blinding us.

As soon as I recovered from the light, I immediately noticed that I was in a cowboy outfit. _'Ugh! I hate this outfit; it's so itchy! Actually, I don't like anything about the old west; the music, the clothes, the living conditions, the accents, or the sweltering heat everything is likely living in from being in the desert. No offense.'_ I also was apparently the last one to wake up.

"Soos! Nathan! We're inside the game!" Dipper said. Dipper and Soos were also dressed as cowboys and Mabel was dressed as an Indian. We looked around, and sure enough, we were inside the pinball game known as Tumbleweed Terror. Everyone was liking it at first due to how cool it looked.

"Dude, if this is a dream, I never wanna wake up!" Soos said.

"That can be arranged." The skull head said ominously. "Welcome to Tumbleweed Terror, partners."

"Hey, it's the skeleton cowboy guy." Soos said. "Did you zap me into your game to congratulate me on getting the high score? I beat Poo, dude."

"Hardly. If'n I do recall, I warned y'all not to cheat. I tried to be gentleman-like." The skull said. "But I'm plum-sick of being tilted. So now I reckon, I'm gonna tilt you."

"Oh, yeah? Well, take this!" Soos said, punching a part of the game, only for his fist to come back at him and hit him in the face. Soos kept trying this until he fell down after the third punch, when Dipper and Mabel ran over to him as the skull laughed.

"Get yourselves ready for the…" The skull said as a light flashed next to the multi-ball.

"Multi-ball!"

Several pinballs came out of the skull's mouth, one of them chasing us, and we ran from it and hid. "Where are you?" The skull said. "I'm not done teaching you a lesson about cheating yet."

"How are we ever gonna get out of here?" Dipper said. "Think, guys."

"I'm trying. But it's hard with that gorgeous pinball wench distracting me." Soos said, looking at a cardboard cutout of a woman. "Okay, don't worry, guys. I know every inch of this machine." Soos said. "There's a manual power switch inside. I can sneak in there and turn off the game. But we'll have to distract the cowboy guy. Are any of you good at jumping up and down and making annoying noises?"

"My time has come." Mabel said.

"I got this." I said. Dipper, Mabel and I climbed up onto the 'flippers' that hit the pinballs back and began distracting the skull. "Hey Mr. Skull guy!" I called out. "On a scale of 1-10, what's your favorite color of the alphabet?"

"What? That don't make any sense." The skull said.

"It's not supposed to!" I yelled. "Oh and by the way, the correct answer was triangle!" I said, as I began doubling over from laughter.

"Something ain't right here." The skull said as we made noises. "Let me see where this is going." After a while, we got down and ran off to the side. "Where are you?" The skull said, trying to look around. "Darn it. I wish I had a neck." We went over to one of the screws of the machine and Dipper unscrewed it and we looked down, seeing Soos staring at the power button.

"Soos! Psst!" Dipper said. "What's going on? Just press the switch already."

"Okay, so I was gonna do that, but I've been thinking." Soos said. "According to this, turning off the power erases the high score permanently. That score is like my one big life accomplishment."

"What?! If you don't hurry up, we could die in here!" Dipper said.

"Fair point." Soos said. "But. What is life anyway, when compared to the immortality of a high score?"

"Soos!" Dipper said. "Are you out of your m—"

"There y'all are!" The skull said as all the walls fell flat.

"Get ready to grab on." I said, laying down and grabbing the edge of the hole with my feet towards the skull.

"Get ready to meet yer maker, kids!" The skull said. "My maker is Ballway Games in Redmond, Washington." As soon as the skull said that, he started sucking in air like a vacuum and I felt some hands grab my ankles. I looked back and saw Dipper holding my ankles and Mabel holding onto his ankles. I saw Dipper's hat get sucked in, then mine shortly after, and there was a brief red flashing each time.

"Soos!" Dipper yelled.

"Soos, please!" Mabel yelled.

"Turn it off!" Dipper yelled. I felt myself losing my grip before my fingers eventually slipped off entirely. Just before we were sucked in, everything went black for a split second before we woke up in front of the machine.

"Oh, you dudes okay?" Soos asked.

"Yes, Soos. You did it. You freed us!" Mabel said.

"Hey, man. I'm sorry you had to lose your high score." Dipper said.

"That's okay. I got a new life accomplishment now: saving you dudes." Soos said. "You think that pinball wench will call me?"

 _Back to the present…_

"I can't believe this nonsense." Stan said. "Magic tonics? Soos winning at something? Where do you come up with this stuff?"

"I remember it quite clearly." I said.

"I'll tell you a good story." Stan said. "It's called Grunkle Stan Wins The Football Bowl." Stan proceeded to tell his horrible short story. I'll save you the terrible description of it by saying it's just as bad as in the actual 'episode'.

"Boo!"

"What?! That story was great!" Stan said. "I even threw in a talking robot for the kids."

"Yeah, yeah." Mabel said, taking the glow stick. "I'm gonna tell a non-terrible story. A story called Trooth Ache."

 _Flashback…_

"This attraction is gonna make me a fortune." Stan said, leaning on his car in front of a truck. "Easy with that bear, Corduroy. I need him in showroom condition!" Manly Dan was wrestling a bear, trying to control it.

"Aww, they're hugging!" Mabel said.

"So, let me get this straight." Dipper said. "Your plan is to teach this bear to ride a bicycle?"

"Nah. Come on. Everyone's seen a bicycle-riding bear." Stan said.

"I haven't." I interjected.

"No, no. I'm gonna teach this bear… to drive." Stan said. It took a bit, but the bear was eventually subdued and in the car.

"Alright, everyone in the car!" Stan said. For the next few minutes, Stan was 'teaching' the bear to drive, giving the wrong meanings of all the lights and signs, like saying the speed limit sign means go at _least_ that speed and never under. After a bit, the police pulled us over.

"What seems to be the problem, officers?" Stan asked, rolling down the window with the bear still in the driver's seat.

"Now there'd better be a darn good explanation for this." Sheriff Blubs said.

"Oh, there is." Stan said. "You see, I'm a very old man; not long for this earth, and the doctors assigned me a seeing-eye bear to drive me to the hospital in case of emergency."

"Is that right?" Blubs asked. "Then where's your doctor's note?"

"Why, it's right here inside my jacket!" Stan said, grabbing a pencil and quickly writing on a piece of paper he had in his suit. _'How would they not see that?'_ "There you go." Stan said, handing the fake note to Blubs.

"Well, I can't argue with Dr. Medicine." Blubs said.

"To the hospital, honey pants!" Stan said, as the bear drove us off.

Later, back at the shack, Stan was spraying some rocks to make them look like gold nuggets when Mabel came in and confronted Stan.

"Grunkle Stan, how could you lie to those policemen?" Mabel said. "Don't you know lying is always wrong?"

"Mabel, when you get to be my age, you'll learn that sometimes you have to bend the truth; for the greater-good." Stan said, picking up a plate of spaghetti and eating some of it when Dipper came in the room.

"Hey, has anyone seen my plate of spaghetti?" Dipper asked. With sauce still covering his mouth, Stan turned around, holding the spaghetti behind his back.

"No, but I bet Soos has. You know how he likes to eat." Stan said.

"This is a dark day…. Thanks, Grunkle Stan." Dipper said, running off as Mabel gave Stan a disapproving look.

"See? Greater good." Stan said, patting his stomach.

"UGH!" Mabel shouted, walking off while Stan ate another bite of Dipper's spaghetti. I went upstairs to see Mabel lying on her bed, holding Waddles up with her feet.

"Waddles, what am I gonna do about Grunkle Stan? 'He needs to stop lying.'" Mabel said, pretending to make Waddles talk. "I know, but how do we stop him? 'Maybe you should check Dipper's journal, oink oink.' Say 'oink' one more time. 'Oink oink.' Waddles, you genius!" Mabel said, grabbing Dipper's journal and going through it before stopping on a page and reading it. "'Buried underneath a tree stump in the deep forest are truth teeth, which force upon the wearer an inability to lie.'"

"Looking for a way to keep Stan from lying all the time?" I said. "Those truth teeth are going to be working _too_ well."

"Oh, come on. How could anything ever work too well?" Mabel said. _'I can think of a specific example from an episode of Rick and Morty where the love potion works way too well and it eventually results in them having to abandon that reality and flee to a different one.'_ I just shrugged and left.

The next morning, I woke up and walked into the kitchen while Stan was making breakfast and sat down next to the twins. I had apparently came in late, even though I woke up earlier than I usually do when I don't have to get up early for school or anything.

"It's great." Mabel said. "Now he has to tell the truth."

"Hmm…" Dipper said, thinking, when Stan came over to the table.

"Scrambled meat; here it is." Stan said, placing the pan on the table.

"Stan, what do you do in secret every day during your lunch break?" Dipper asked.

"Usually I spend the hour aggressively scratching myself in places I shouldn't mention." Stan said. "Now I'm going to avoid making eye contact by pretending to read this newspaper, and go to the bathroom without washing my hands."

"Ew!"

"Well, that was disturbing." Dipper said.

"Like I said, those truth teeth are working _too_ well." I added.

"Don't worry, guys. The truth is always a good thing." Mabel said. The next few hours proved that it was going too far. One particular instance was when we were watching TV.

"Sometimes I think: Is this all there is? Is life just some kind of horrific joke without a punchline? That we're all just biding our time until the sweet, sweet release of death?" Stan said suddenly. While I was unaffected, since I sometimes have trains of thought that go _much_ deeper than that, the twins were rather unsettled by this.

This continued on into the next day, and it was getting to the point where even I was getting fairly disturbed at this point.

"I can't take it anymore, Mabel. You have to take those teeth out of his mouth." Dipper said.

" _I_ can't even take it anymore." I said.

"But then he'd be a liar again." Mabel said.

"Could it possibly be any worse than this?" Dipper argued, when suddenly the doorbell rang. We went downstairs and saw the cops there.

"So after further investigation, it turns out there is no Dr. Medicine in Gravity Falls." Blubs said.

"You better have a durn good explanation for this." Durland said.

"Oh, and I do." Stan said. "You see, I lied to you. In addition, I've been parking in handicapped spaces, shoplifting fireworks, and smuggling endangered animals across multiple state lines. Also, you're fat." Blubs and Durland were speechless for a moment.

"Is all this true?" Blubs asked, taking out a pair of handcuffs.

"None of it is true at all." I said.

"No, no, it's not true." Dipper said. "Right, Mabel?"

"Uh, sirs, I have to be completely and totally honest with you." Mabel said uneasily. "Our great-uncle Stan is… is… Stan is… secretly a crime fiction writer!"

"What?" Blubs said.

"Ha ha, yeah! He was just telling you about a character from his upcoming page turner 'Crime Grandpa'!" Mabel said.

"Also in collaboration with me; Bedrock Armor!" I added. "He writes the story, I beta-read it and check for any errors then send him back the proofread version."

"He's never committed a crime in his life!" Mabel said. "Also, have you lost weight?"

Blubs laughed. "Finally _someone_ noticed." Blubs said, looking at Durland.

"Wow, authors!" Durland said. "Can you teach me how to read?"

"What? Authors?" Stan said.

"Ha ha, writers. Masters of fiction." Mabel said, leading the officers out the door. "Goodnight, officers!" Mabel called out, before closing the door.

"Hey. You alright?" Dipper asked.

"I can't believe I lied." Mabel said.

"Mabel, it was for the greater good." Dipper said.

"Yeah. The greater good." Mabel said.

"Hello, police station?" Stan said, having dialed the number and was now on the phone. "Yeah, I forgot to tell them about my tax fraud. No, tax fraud." The three of us had to knock Stan away from the phone after that. Thankfully, the person on the other end still didn't understand it, so I told them that Stan was just sleep-talking and hung up. Meanwhile, Dipper and Mabel took the truth teeth out of Stan's mouth and Mabel put the teeth in a box, locked it up, and shoved it into the bottomless pit.

 _Back to the present…_

"And I never saw that box of magical teeth again." Mabel finished. "Oh wait, there it is!"

"Oh, sweet, my shoes!" Soos said, grabbing his shoes and putting them back on.

"I liked the part with the bear." Stan said. "The rest seemed pretty far-fetched."

"Mabel, we already know that story. We just lived through it." Dipper said.

"Actually, Soos wasn't there for most of it." I said. "And besides, we just lived through all 3 of those stories in the past few days."

"So, if we're living through that story right now, then how does it end?" Soos asked.

…

"Well, at this point in time, we were supposed to shoot right back out the top of the pit." I said. "But we haven't…"

"Are you saying that we're in here longer than we're supposed to have been?" Dipper asked.

"Well, yeah." I said. "After everyone told a story, including Stan and his terrible story—"

"Hey! I'm right here!" Stan interrupted.

"—then you all would shoot right back out the top." I finished.

"Wait a minute, that's it!" Mabel said. "We're in here longer because _you're_ here, Nathan! Maybe it's because you need to tell a story too!"

"Or, maybe, it's just that we're in here longer because the more people there are in the pit, the longer it is before we get back out." Dipper said. "And since Nathan's a person—"

"I would sure hope so!" Mabel joked.

"And since Nathan's a person, we have one extra person in here, adding on to how long we're in here." Dipper finished.

"That makes more sense." I said.

"Well, c'mon, Nathan! Tell us a story! From _your_ dimension!" Mabel said.

"Well, alright." I said. "I don't have an actual story like Dipper, Soos, or you, Mabel."

"Aw." Mabel said.

"But I _can_ tell you some of my memories I have from the past." I said. "From my dimension."

"Yay!" Mabel cheered. I chuckled.

"Everything I am about to tell you is 100% true." I said. "If I were to put a name to these, it would be… Scars."

"My first memory is a short, but still somewhat gruesome memory." I began. "I was in second grade, during an inside recess. Me and a kid named Kendrick were fighting. I don't remember what the fight was about. He picked me up and swung me around by my legs and my head slammed into the corner of the teacher's desk. It was a sharp corner. My vision instantly blacked out, but I was still conscious, so I was in major pain, and I almost had to have stitches. Keep in mind that I was only 7 years old at the time."

"I asked the teacher about it the next day, and she said there was blood everywhere. The kid, Kendrick, was expelled from school, and I never saw him again. However, the teacher also said that he was crying about it, and would've apologized to me, but like I said, we never saw each other again. And after the bandages were removed from my forehead, I noticed that there was something pink sticking out of the impact point. I didn't know what it was. It looked like a small pink tube, like you would see in a picture of the brain or small intestine. Back then, I thought it was my brain. I'm glad I was wrong. If that was my brain, I'd have a broken skull, brain injury, and I might be dead, too."

"My next memory is much less gruesome, and even shorter, but it still hurt a lot. I was in my neighborhood park on the swing. I was either 8 or 9 years old at the time. I don't remember. Anyway, I was going to jump out of the swing, but I went too high and I landed hard on my right arm, and my elbow was bent harder than it should've been. For the next few weeks, I couldn't bend my arm very much without it hurting, but after it was better, I could bend that arm farther than the other one. And for some reason, my left arm can now bend as far as my right arm too, even though no similar injury happened to that arm. It might be part of the reason of why I'm so flexible in my arms."

"Another memory I have is of the most danger I've been in in my life. I was in 6th grade and was riding my bike down a particularly steep hill. I was going probably around 30 miles per hour. I couldn't turn fast enough, and I crashed into a 5-foot-deep cement ditch. I wasn't wearing a helmet. I skinned my right elbow really badly. So badly, in fact, that it was serious enough that I couldn't move my arm again. My dad said that I was lucky to be conscious at all, and that if I had hit my head at that speed, I would've died. I still have the scar from that incident, as a matter of fact."

"Can I see?" Mabel asked.

"Sure." I said, and I showed her my elbow and the scar on it. "It's a little hard to see, thanks to the darkness of the bottomless pit, but if you look closely enough, you can see it."

"That looks pretty painful." Dipper said, also looking in close.

" _Very_ painful." I said.

"That memory transitions smoothly into this next one. My P.E. teacher in 6th and 7th grade. While most people showed some concern about my injury, my P.E. teacher was completely apathetic about it. That may seem normal by itself, but it's not by itself. You see, my P.E. teacher, Coach Wesson, was the one and only person I was legitimately scared of throughout my entire life. He _seemed_ normal, with the exception of being extra tall, but underneath… not so much. You see, he had an unusual method of punishment. If he ever found out that I got in trouble, and he seemed to always find out, then he would pull me out of my third period elective class and make me do tons of vigorous exercises. And for some reason, I was the only one who received this kind of punishment from him."

"Those exercises included, but are not limited to; running countless laps around the basketball court, running from one end of the gym to the other and back in 12 seconds or less, which was a total of about 160 feet by the way, and doing 50 push-ups. If I wasn't going fast enough, he would make me do more. I usually would appear to my fourth period class late because of those sessions. Thankfully, my fourth period teacher was very understanding and knew what was going on. But I would still be extremely exhausted from it all. Now if it _still_ doesn't seem that bad, this next part will change your mind. I remember it perfectly."

 _Flashback…_

It was a particularly bad session of this torturous punishment. I had failed the 12-second run, so I had to do it again. I did it in 12 seconds that time, but I was feeling queasy, which hadn't happened before. I was leaning on the wall, catching my breath, when I felt an unusual sensation in the pit of my stomach. I leaned over the nearby trash can… and I vomited. _Four times_.

"C… Coach Wesson… I just puked." I said.

"So?" Wesson said. "It's good for you. Now run some more laps."

He made me keep running for the next 20 minutes before he finally let me go. I also had to go back the next day too.

 _Back to the present…_

"That sounds awful." Mabel said. "Did you ever talk to your parents about it?"

"Yes, I did. My mom just thought I was overreacting." I said. "She even threatened to give me the same punishment at home, too."

"What about your dad?" Soos said.

"My dad believed me, but he didn't exactly do anything about it." I said.

"Sounds to me like he was a real nut case." Stan said. "Why didn't you just beat him up?"

"I couldn't. Not unless I wanted to make things a million times worse." I said.

"Anyway, it eventually got to the point where my third period teacher wouldn't let Coach Wesson pull me out of class. But did that stop him? No. He'd pull me out of lunch instead. He wouldn't even let me eat my lunch. It also got worse, too. It was torture. I went through two years of that heck. That's also the first time I had some… certain thoughts. Thoughts about… ending it all. Let's just say that if I hadn't moved, and had gone through three years of it, I probably would've carried out those thoughts. Ever since middle school, that's when my life started turning into a nightmare."

"The torture of Coach Wesson was over, but the torture of life itself had only just begun. Once we moved, my mom began to get onto me about each and every single missing assignment. With seven classes in middle school and eight classes in high school, it was difficult keeping up, and the stress would really weigh me down. My mom and I would often get into arguments in which I would try everything I could think of just to get her to see things from my point of view. Meanwhile, she has a natural way of making everyone she argues with feel bad, and I was affected by it the most. I remember one morning before school we had an argument, and by the time I got to school, I was visibly upset. Upset enough that one of my teachers saw me and escorted me to the counselor's office."

"Since I started high school, me and my mom would get into an argument almost daily at times. They would last quite a while, and almost every single time, my already low self-esteem would take a severe blow to the point that sometimes, I'd end up feeling depressed for the next day or two. Occasionally, it would get so bad, I'd end up feeling like the world would be better off without me. These last few years have been so stressful, I-I just don't understand why… why is life… so… _horrible_?" At this point, I was having trouble keeping my composure, and I could feel my eyes tearing up. "I just… want all of this horrible stuff to end. Life… _hurts_. It really… _hurts_. It's so _stressful_ and it just _hurts_. I-I just want it to _end_. _Please_ … make it end… make the pain _end_ … I don't know how much longer I can take it… I don't have _anything_ to keep me going. I have _nothing_ to live for. I have no future… I have no _friends_. _Please_. Just make it all end… _please…_ " At this point, I had completely broken down and started crying. Just thinking about all the stress in my life; it makes me depressed thinking about it. I put my hands up to my eyes and cried. After a bit, I felt two pairs of arms wrap around me. I opened my eyes and saw the twins hugging me.

"Oh, Nathan… I… I had no idea." Mabel said.

"Is there any way we can help?" Dipper asked.

"Heh… no, I'm afraid not." I said solemnly.

"Were you… actually thinking about… _killing_ yourself?" Dipper said.

"Yeah… I even attempted it once." I said. I heard the twins gasp. "I just wish I could completely start over, you know? A chance to go back in time and have a different life. _A different story._ " I said. "Maybe then my life wouldn't be so awful, so depressing, so… _stressful_."

"I hate to cut this short, but I think we're about to shoot back out the top like you said we would." Stan said. I wiped my tears away and looked down, and sure enough, there was a growing spot of light, before we shot out of the top and landed on the ground.

"Look! The shack." Mabel said. "We came right back out the top!"

"And I don't think any time has passed." Dipper said. "It must be some kind of wormhole."

"Yeah, dude. That sounds science-y enough to be true." Soos said.

"But that's impossible! No one will believe us!" Stan said, leaning on the sign.

"Maybe this is one story we should keep to ourselves." Mabel said.

"Agreed."

Then Stan fell in again as the sign broke off.

"He'll be fine." Mabel said.

"Well, I'll see you later." I said, taking out my portal remote and returning to my dimension.


	15. The Deep End

**Chapter 15: The Deep End**

After my last adventure, it definitely didn't get any easier. In fact, the day after my last adventure, which was 5 days late due to uncontrollable circumstances, and I was supposed to have this adventure 4 days ago, I had a particularly bad day at school which spiraled out of control until it got to the point where I had _those thoughts_ again. I'm not sure if it was me going on a Thursday instead of a Saturday, me telling the twins (and you guys) about my more troubled side, or just another example of the kind of luck I have, but regardless, it was a very emotional day. A simple misunderstanding with a teacher escalated severely to the point where I ended up having to serve an in-school suspension the next Monday. I would also like to add that said teacher overreacted quite a bit in my opinion.

In fact, it just so happened that the very next day after my ISS, I found out that in order for me to have any off-blocks during my senior year, I need to meet some requirements: I need to be on track for graduation, have good attendance, and have had no discipline referrals. Well, I _had_ met all the requirements, until that incident on Friday. The timing is uncanny. I'm wondering if she _knew_ about it already before us students did, and overreacted on _purpose_ to prevent me from getting any off-blocks during my senior year.

…Then again, that's just me. It could also be incredibly bad luck.

But like I told you guys before, I'm not going to let any emotional turmoil stop me from going on adventures in Gravity Falls again. I remembered that this adventure would start out at 110 degrees, and since it was winter, I grabbed my portal remote, walked outside (without a coat since I wouldn't need it for long), headed over to a relatively secluded area behind my house, and opened the portal. As soon as I did, a rush of hot air came in through the portal, melting the snow around it. I walked through, and at the other side, the twins, Soos, and Stan were looking at me gratefully, standing while cold air spilled into the shack.

 _"Watch out Gravity Falls, because at 110 degrees, we're looking at the hottest day of the summer."_ Toby said over the radio.

"All in favor of laying in front of this portal all day, say 'ahh'." Dipper said.

"Ahh." Everyone was in agreement. It was hot enough that Stan was lying on the floor with a bucket of melted ice cream, Dipper wasn't wearing a shirt, Mabel wasn't wearing a sweater, and Soos wasn't wearing a shirt… or pants. At that moment, Waddles, the only one who didn't seem affected by the heat, walked up to Stan.

"I'm going to throw this pig outta the house!" Stan said, as Waddles began licking the ice cream off his face. "You called my bluff, pig."

 _"On the bright side, pun very much intended, it's opening week at the Gravity Falls pool."_ Toby said on the radio as Dipper and Mabel perked up.

"Gravity Falls pool?" Mabel said.

"Today?" Dipper said.

"Pun intended?" Soos said.

"Quick! To the car!" Stan said, struggling to get off of the floor, and failing. "Hey, kids? Little help here?" Stan asked. The twins walked up to Stan and used a couple of spatulas to pry Stan off the floor. "Alright, off to the pool." Stan said, walking out the door with some of the floorboards stuck to his back.

 _"And remember to be on alert for random wildfires."_ Toby added.

"Wait, what?" Stan said, before the floorboards on his back caught fire suddenly.

"He'll be fine." Mabel said.

The wood on Stan's back burned up so fast that it left Stan completely unharmed somehow. Immediately after, everyone piled into Stan's car as he turned the air conditioning on full blast. We headed to the store for some swim wear, while Stan shoplifted a couple bottles of sunscreen (among other things). Then we changed into the swim wear and headed down to the pool. _'I don't know why I only just now noticed that Mabel's swimsuit looks like Steven's signature star shirt from Steven Universe.'_

"Ah, the pool." Mabel said. "A sparkling oasis of summer enchantment."

"Yeah. Nothing like sitting in a moist tub with strangers." Stan said. "It's like the bus, but wet."

"Why would a sun need to wear sunglasses?" Dipper asked, looking at Soos' towel of a sun wearing sunglasses.

"It's best not to think about it." Soos said.

"Whoa, whoa, _whoa_! Stop the presses!" Mabel said suddenly; stopping us. "Who's that?" Mabel was looking at a guy in the pool with an inflatable raft.

"Oh yeah." Soos said. "Word is, dude never leaves the pool. People say he's a… mysterious loner."

"Is it getting hot out here, or is it just that guy?" Mabel said.

"It's the hottest day of the year, Mabel." Dipper deadpanned. "Besides, can't you go for one week without having a new crush on some random guy?"

"Uh-uh." Mabel said simply. "Look at his little mustache hairs!"

"You are clearly enamored." Soos said. "Go to him." Mabel ran towards him, laughing, before climbing over and tripping over various items, including two people sunbathing. "So beautiful." Soos said.

"Eh, Mabel's all talk." Dipper said. "Wanna know a secret? She's never even kissed a guy before. She always messes it up somehow."

"Have _you_ ever kissed a _girl_ before?" I said, pushing away my thoughts of myself being in the same place of having never had my first kiss.

"U-um, well…" Dipper stammered.

"Exactly." I said.

"Wait a minute." Stan said. Before he could say anything else though, a water balloon splashed on his face.

"Hey, Mr. Pines." Wendy said.

"Wendy? Where's the lifeguard?" Stan asked.

"I am the lifeguard." Wendy said. "I make the rules, sucka! Boosh!" Wendy said, throwing more water balloons at Stan as he ran off and the rest of us laughed.

"Wow. You work here?" Dipper said.

"I found out lifeguards get free snack privileges." Wendy said. "Plus I get the best seat in the house."

"Yeah you do." Dipper said, laughing awkwardly for a while. "I've been laughing for too long." Dipper whispered to himself.

"Dude. Are you and Wendy in a secret staring contest?" Soos asked Dipper. "'Cause I think you're winning."

"Soos, shh." Dipper said, before turning his attention back to Wendy. "So, hey. You wanna go chuck more water balloons at Grunkle Stan?" Dipper asked.

"I'd love to. But I gotta spend the day doing tryouts." Wendy said. "They're looking for a new assistant lifeguard."

"Hey. What if I became the assistant lifeguard?" Dipper said.

"That would be so much fun! You're totally in, dude!" Wendy said, tossing something at Dipper, who caught it. "You just have to check in with my boss first, Mr. Poolcheck."

"Your boss?" Dipper said, looking over at Mr. Poolcheck, who did some random exercises before looking right at Dipper. "Well… wish me luck." Dipper said, walking over to Mr. Poolcheck while Wendy gave him a thumbs-up.

"Think you could sneak me some extra snacks?" I asked Wendy as she laughed.

"Sure, dude." Wendy said.

"Sweet."

I walked over towards Dipper, who was talking to Mr. Poolcheck. "…and that is why I think I'd make a good lifeguard assistant." Dipper said.

"Hmm…" Mr. Poolcheck muttered, bending down and sniffing Dipper. "SPF 100? Good. I like you. But this isn't an easy job. It's anarchy out there." Mr. Poolcheck said, pointing out at the pool, which was completely calm.

"I think I can handle it." Dipper said.

"Can you handle _THIS_?!" Mr. Poolcheck said, taking off his hand, which was apparently mechanical. "I lost my _hand_ to a pool filter!" He said, putting his hand back on. "Pool might seem friendly, but she can turn on you in an instant, which is why you must respect our rules. Do you think you have what it takes, boy? DO YOU?!"

"Sure, I guess." Dipper said. Mr. Poolcheck put a whistle around Dipper's neck.

"Welcome to the deep end, son." Mr. Poolcheck said.

"Well, thanks I—" Dipper said, before Mr. Poolcheck hugged Dipper hard as he struggled to get free. "Well, this is happening."

At that point, I remembered Stan and Soos, and ran over to save Stan's chair from Gideon.

"There she is, Soos." Stan began. "Equi-distant from the snack bar and the bathroom. Just the right amount of sun and shade, and pointed away from where Old Man McGucket lotions himself. The perfect lawn chair."

"Stan, you better sit down in that chair before Gideon comes and steals it." I told him. Stan sat down and laid back before Gideon could claim the chair.

"Dang it!" Gideon yelled out. "Dang it, Nathaniel!… Um, do you go by Nathan or Nathaniel?"

"Although my full name _is_ Nathaniel, everyone just calls me Nathan." I said.

"Oh, okay." Gideon said, clearing his throat. "Dang it, Nathan! I don't know how you knew I was coming, but you will rue the day you messed with me!"

"Yeah, sure, whatever." I said.

"Nice work, kid." Stan said.

Satisfied, I walked back.

"Hey, Wendy! I got the job!" Dipper said, walking up to Wendy.

"Sweet!" Wendy said. "Wanna go abuse our power?"

"What if Poolcheck catches us?" Dipper said. "He seems emotionally unstable."

"Nah, don't worry, man. You just gotta be sneaky about your rule-breaking." Wendy said.

"I'm pretty good at that, by the way." I said.

"Race you to the no running sign!" Wendy said, as they ran off, only for Dipper to slow to a walk when he saw Mr. Poolcheck looking his way.

 **~Time skip brought to you by: I may or may not have found inspiration for the time skip somewhere. Don't worry, I asked permission first.~**

Dipper, Wendy and I quietly laughed as we snuck over behind a corner with a megaphone.

"Alright, alright. This is going to be the best one yet." Wendy said.

 _"Soos."_ Wendy said through the megaphone, making it sound like the inflatable duck around Soos was talking.

"Inflatable duck-guy, is that you?" Soos asked.

 _"Yes, Soos. I can talk."_ The inflatable duck (not really) said.

"Oh my gosh. I knew you guys were secretly alive." Soos said. "I knew it!" The three of us were laughing and shushing each other before we continued.

 _"My people have been enslaved, Soos. You must free us."_ The duck 'said'.

"The inflatable pool duck revolution is at hand." Soos said. We laughed some more before a shrill whistle cut through the air.

"Pool's closing! Clear out, everyone!" Mr. Poolcheck said through a megaphone.

"Poolcheck!" Dipper said.

"Hide!" Wendy said as we fled the scene.

"Out! Do not touch! Assistant lifeguard!" Mr. Poolcheck said, stopping Dipper in his tracks. "Have a good night, son. Lock up the supplies for me." Mr. Poolcheck said, handing Dipper the keys. Dipper stayed behind to lock up the pool while the rest of us traveled back to the shack.

The next day, first thing in the morning, we got up and headed down to the town pool. We split off when we got there, with Dipper and I meeting up with Wendy and having some more fun. The first prank we pulled was dropping life preservers onto the unsuspecting officers. Dipper tossed a life preserver onto sheriff Blubs, then another one onto deputy Durland, and scored '100 points'.

"Dude, with this job, you, me, and Nathan are going to be having fun all summer." Wendy said.

"All summer?" Dipper said, a slight blush evident on his cheeks as he smiled, until another shrill whistle cut through the air.

"Pines! Here! Now!" Mr. Poolcheck said next to the downed officers. Dipper walked over to Mr. Poolcheck. "You gave me your word that you would respect the sacred rules of this municipal pool!" Mr. Poolcheck said.

"Mr. Poolcheck, are you crying?" Dipper asked.

"That's not important right now!" Mr. Poolcheck said with a red face. "You are on thin ice, boy. You wanna keep this job? Well, some maniac broke into the supply closet last night, and destroyed our one and only pool skimmer!" Mr. Poolcheck said, holding a bent pool skimmer. It was damaged, but it looked like it was still in working condition. "I want you on the stake out. If one more supply gets taken… you're fired!"

"I won't let you down." Dipper saluted.

 **~Time skip brought to you by: Gravity Falls! Adventure, mystery, and plenty of feels to go around!~**

That night, Dipper returned to the pool, and asked me to help. I agreed. Dipper patrolled around while I helped.

"Alright Dipper, here's the plan." Dipper said to himself. "Catch the trespasser, protect the supplies, keep job at pool, and eventually marry Wendy." Dipper paused for a moment when he heard a snipping noise, and turned his flashlight towards the sound. "Freeze!… Grunkle Stan?" Stan was standing there, holding wire cutters as a portion of the fence fell down.

"I, uh… I'm sleepwalking." Stan said unconvincingly. "Also now I'm sleep-talking. Nice hat, by the way." Stan said, pointing at Dipper's night patrol hat.

"You! You're the one destroying pool supplies!" Dipper said.

"What? No. My crime is a lot better than that. I'm gonna get that seat and be ready in the morning when Gideon comes." Stan said.

"I thought I helped you get the chair before Gideon." I pointed out.

"Oh, you did. But as soon as I got up, Gideon ran in and snagged my chair!" Stan said. "Anyway, I'm going to go claim my chair before Gideon can. Then maybe I'll destroy some pool supplies. Night's still young." Dipper immediately blew into his whistle. "Yeesh, alright, I'm going." Stan said, starting to walk away, then running right past us.

"Hey!" Dipper called out, chasing Stan. Meanwhile, Mabel came through as well, in the golf cart and used a hairpin to open the supplies closet.

"Mabel!" Mermando said, swimming over.

"Are you ready to see your family?" Mabel asked him.

"Yes, but how can I, a merman, possibly escape?" Mermando asked. "And what about him?" Mermando said, pointing at me.

"Ah, don't worry, He's cool." Mabel said.

"Heya." I greeted.

"Anyway, my original plan was to tape together a bunch of fish sticks to make a prosthetic pair of people-legs." Mabel said, handing Mermando a drawing she had made of said plan.

"Intriguing." Mermando said.

"But then I realized I could just transport you in this cooler." Mabel said, holding a hose and putting water in the cooler. Mermando flopped out, and after a little while, got in the cooler with a splash.

"Hey! Who's there?" Dipper said, coming back.

"Quick! Hide me! My kind must not be seen!" Mermando said as Mabel closed the cooler lid on him.

"Mabel?" Dipper said. "Is there anyone not breaking into the pool tonight? What, is Soos here too?" Of course, as soon as he said this, Soos climbed over the fence.

"I'm okay." Soos said.

"Go home, Soos." Dipper said.

"You got it." Soos said, climbing back over the fence.

"So, why are you here?" Dipper asked.

"Uh… no reason." Mabel said, before Mermando cleared his throat in the cooler.

"Did that cooler just clear its throat?" Dipper said.

"Don't be silly. There certainly isn't a merman in there, if that's what you're implying. Who said anything about a merman?" Mabel said.

"Mabel, I don't have time for your games." Dipper said. "If you don't give me those supplies, I'll lose the coolest job ever."

"I understand." Mabel said. "Hey! Look! Wendy in a bikini!" Mabel said, pointing behind Dipper.

"Really? At night?" Dipper said while Mabel pulled me onto the golf cart and sped off.

"Sorry, Dipper!" Mabel yelled back. Mabel sped off as Dipper chased us and tossed a water balloon at us.

"Hand over those pool supplies in the name of pool law!" Dipper said through a megaphone.

"Pool law's dumb! And so is your hat!" Mabel said, before Dipper threw another water balloon at us, and kept throwing water balloons at us. "Look! Gravity Falls lake!" Mabel said, looking at a sign that lead towards the lake. We kept speeding towards the lake as Dipper pursued us and threw another water balloon at us, hitting the plug of the cooler as water spilled out.

"I cannot breathe! You must hurry!" Mermando said as we approached the lake and Mabel slammed on the brakes. Mabel and I fell out, as well as the cooler.

"I'm okay." Mabel said, dusting herself off.

"Me too." I said.

"Alright, the jig is up! Hand over that cooler!" Dipper said.

"Never!" Mabel said.

"Why not? Why do you even need it?" Dipper asked.

"I needed the cooler to save my new friend because he needs to go home and he's really nice and we comb each other's hair and he needs to be in the cooler because he breathes water because he's a merman!" Mabel said all in one breath, opening the cooler as Mermando rolled out.

"Hola." Mermando said.

"Whoa. Way to bury the lead, Mabel." Dipper said.

"Dipper, Mermando the merman. He's a merman." Mabel said.

"Nice to meet you." Mermando said. "Also, I think I am dying." Mermando said, immediately struggling to breathe. "Water!"

"Oh no! Mermando!" Mabel said. "Dipper! You're a lifeguard. Give him CPR!"

"I have a better idea." I said; using my foot to roll Mermando into the lake as he swam around happily.

"Thank you for saving me!" Mermando said, chirping like a dolphin before coughing. "I am weak from coughing. How will I get my family to hear my call from the mighty depths of the ocean?"

"I've got it. BRB." Mabel said, running over to the pool's car and grabbing the megaphone. "Problem solved!"

"Mabel." Dipper said, grabbing the megaphone from her. "Those are pool supplies. I'll get fired."

"Dipper." Mabel said. "Don't you know what it's like to fall for someone, even though you know in your heart that it'll probably never work out, but you'd do anything for that person?"

Dipper sighed. "Give Mermando the megaphone." Dipper said, handing it back to Mabel.

"Thanks, Dip." Mabel said, tossing Mermando the megaphone.

"Mabel, I have never met anyone like you." Mermando said.

"Same here." Mabel said. "Except for a zombie, a gnome, and a couple of cute vampires."

"I don't remember the vampires." Dipper said.

"I don't tell you everything." Mabel said. "Well Mermando, I guess this is it."

"Not quite. This is." Mermando said, kissing Mabel.

"Whoa-kay. That's gross." Dipper said, turning away.

"Whoo-hoo-hoo! That was my first kiss!" Mabel said giddily. "Goodbye, Mermando."

"Goodbye, Mabel." Mermando said, swimming away.

"You did the right thing, Dipper." Mabel said.

"Yeah, yeah." Dipper said.

"Oh, wait-wait! One last thing!" Mabel said, running over to the rocks and posing on them as Mermando jumped over like a fish jumping out of the water. "I've always wanted to do that."

 **~Time skip brought to you by:** **Two milestones at once! This chapter pushes me over 100,000 total words published, and all my stories combined recently accumulated over 10,000 views.**

"A wrecked fence, dents in the pool-mobile, and a missing megaphone! Who is responsible for this?!" Mr. Poolcheck said angrily, grabbing Dipper by the shoulders.

"It's my fault, sir. I'm sorry." Dipper said. "I got in too deep."

"Hand over the whistle, boy!" Mr. Poolcheck demanded, as Dipper took off the whistle and gave it to him. Mr. Poolcheck broke the string around the whistle and ate it angrily as Dipper and I backed away. "If one more thing goes wrong today…" Behind Mr. Poolcheck, Soos was tossing the inflatable ducks over the fence.

"You're free now, free! Inflatable ducks unite!" Soos said.

"YOU!" Mr. Poolcheck yelled, chasing after Soos as Soos climbed over the fence and ran while Mr. Poolcheck ran through the fence after him.

Meanwhile, Dipper was dejectedly walking away when he was suddenly hit with a water balloon thrown by Wendy.

"Hey, doofus. You'll never guess what happened." Wendy said. "I just got fired."

"What? Really?" Dipper said.

"Yeah. I guess Poolcheck found out I was taking too many snacks." Wendy said.

"How many?" Dipper asked. Wendy took off her hat, revealing three bags of chips as Dipper laughed.

"Here you go, Nathan." Wendy said, tossing me a bag of chips.

"Sweet!" I said, opening the bag and eating the chips.

"Hey, you wanna go break rules somewhere else?" Wendy asked.

"Of course!" Dipper said, while him and Wendy left.

Meanwhile, Mabel was feeling upset over by the pool, when a green bottle came out of the pool. "Huh?" Mabel said, grabbing the bottle, which had paper inside. Mabel opened the bottle and took out the paper and read it. After a short while of reading it silently, more bottles appeared as Mabel laughed.

Down the pool, Gideon was approaching the chair again, only to be surprised when he saw Stan there.

"Stanford!" Gideon said, as Stan laughed. "Well, guess you won. Put 'er there." Gideon said, holding his hand out. Stan was about to shake Gideon's hand, only for Stan to struggle against the chair as he was held down to it.

"Hey! What the-?" Stan said.

"Unless perhaps I predicted your plan and coated the entire chair with glue last night!" Gideon said. "Enjoy your chair… forever." Gideon said, laughing as he left.

"Kids, get the spatulas! Kids!" Stan yelled. I walked over and helped Stan get out of the chair. It took a while, but he eventually got out, with the back of his swimsuit stuck to the chair. "Thanks, kiddo." Stan said.

"You're welcome." I said, as Stan walked past me. I recoiled in horror when I noticed that he had absolutely nothing underneath him, leaving him exposed all the way down his back—and lower. I quickly went through the portal back home and tried to clear the image from my mind the best I could.


	16. Carpet Diem

**Chapter 16: Carpet Diem**

The brain is certainly an interesting and complex organ in the human body. Sometimes it can come up with things you never even imagined it could. Other times it can go haywire and you'll find yourself questioning just why you almost did what you were about to do. For example, just the other day when I was eating a muffin while watching TV, I almost took off my _shirt_ instead of taking off the muffin wrapper. Dreams are another thing, too. I had a dream last weekend that someone had me try a cigarette and I did, and I hacked and coughed for a while after my first inhale, and found myself wondering just why the heck some people enjoy smoking. But what would happen if your brain was in someone else's body? Or if your body had someone else's brain in it?

I was only 3 days late on my adventure this time as I walked through the portal and saw an eyeball fly right past me as I closed the portal in the messy attic. The eyeball was probably inches from my face as it whizzed right past me and breaking a light bulb, before it bounced around the attic before eventually crashing through the window.

"Ow! My head! It hit me right in the head!" Stan yelled.

"Yes; Stan shot!" Dipper said.

"It was almost a Nathan shot." I said. "It was inches from my face."

"Is that legal?" Dipper asked as the twins looked over at Waddles eating the score card.

"The judges say it was out of bounds." Mabel said.

"You're out of bounds!" Dipper said, as the twins engaged in a tickling war with their golf clubs before Mabel's alarm clock rang (and meowed).

"Hey, Dipper. I gotta go hang out with Candy and Grenda tonight." Mabel said, handing Dipper her golf club.

"Aw, again? You can't leave mid-game." Dipper said.

"Don't be silly, I'm not leaving. My friends are coming to me!" Mabel said.

"Wait, what?" Dipper said alarmed. "Oh, no. No no no. Sleeping bags? Rom-coms? Calling on boys dream team edition? You're not having a—"

"Sleepover!" Candy and Grenda yelled, opening the door and holding sleeping bags as Dipper yelled in fear.

 **~Time skip brought to you by: Makeup is weird. A little bit makes women more beautiful, but too much does the exact opposite. In my opinion, anyway.~**

Dipper was sitting on his bed trying to block out the noise, and I was trying to take a nap since the majority of what was happening was uninteresting. Finally, Dipper had enough.

"Mabel! Do you think you could do this somewhere else? You're laughing at frequencies only dogs should hear!" Dipper said.

"Come on, it's not _that_ bad." Mabel said.

"You know what your brother and Nathan need?" Grenda said. I immediately shot up and ran for the door.

"A makeover?" I heard Mabel saying as I fled the attic. Shortly after, I heard Dipper screaming, then several minutes later, I saw him walking down the stairs with a pillow and blanket.

"Hey, Soos, can I sleep in your break room tonight?" Dipper asked.

"Of course, dude." Soos said, opening the door to the 'break room'. "You just gotta make your body go like a video game puzzle block." Soos said, climbing in and arranging himself. "The trick is to hold perfectly still." Soos said, as his arm would repeatedly touch a hot pipe as Soos would lift his arm off.

"I think I'll sleep somewhere else." Dipper said, walking outside. I decided to just sleep in the chair in the living room.

The next morning, I was awoken to Dipper coming inside, looking pretty bad for wear. I watched him going up the stairs, then followed him.

"Hey, brother! Hi, Nathan! You want any of this leftover pizza? It's got glitter on it!" Mabel said.

"Mabel, last night, an owl tried to eat my tongue." Dipper said, crawling onto his bed.

"Ha ha, that's great!" Mabel said.

"No! It's not great!" Dipper said, sitting up. "This is impossible to live with."

"What? I'm delightful to live with!" Mabel said. "Get ready to be poked by the fun stick! Boop." Mabel said, poking Dipper with a stick.

"Mabel, I've had it with the fun stick!" Dipper said, slapping the stick out of her hand. "You've totally wrecked our room. And— oh no! Our mini golf course!" Dipper said, looking at the ruined remains of their homemade mini golf course.

"Heh heh, yeah. Grenda sure loves breaking things." Mabel said.

"Mabel, we need to lay down some ground rules if we're going to be living in this room together." Dipper said. "First of all, no sleepovers."

"What?" Mabel said. "Well, if I can't have sleepovers, then you can't keep me up all night with your summer reading."

"How does reading keep you up?" Dipper asked.

"You make your own commentary and click your stupid pen; that's how!" Mabel said.

"Well, at least my braces don't whistle when I breathe." Dipper said.

"At least I wash my clothes once in a while." Mabel said.

"Washing clothes is a waste of time. I'm a busy guy!" Dipper said.

"Meow meow meow meow meow!" Mabel said, mocking Dipper.

"Alright, if you meow one more time—" Dipper said.

"Meow meow meow!" Mabel said.

"Okay, that's it! That's the final straw!" Dipper said. "Maybe we shouldn't share a room anymore!"

"W- ugh. Well, maybe we shouldn't!" Mabel said.

"Fine by me!" Dipper said.

"Double fine by me!" Mabel said.

"Then we need to talk to Grunkle Stan about moving rooms." Dipper said.

"Yeah. He's a reasonable guy." Mabel said. Dipper and Mabel rushed to the door, but I stopped them.

"Hold up." I said. "Why don't you two just talk it out? Like reasonable people?" The twins ignored me and pushed past me and ran downstairs and I followed.

"Grunkle Stan, we want different rooms!" Dipper said.

"Ha! And I want a pair of magic money pants." Stan said. "It's not gonna happen."

"Magic money pants?" Mabel said.

"Come on Grunkle Stan, can't we work something out?" Dipper asked.

"Look, kid, there's my room and the attic. That's it." Stan said. "What, do you think there's some kind of secret hidden room in the shack?" Immediately after, a crash was heard.

"Dudes! I found some kind of secret hidden room in the shack!" Soos yelled.

"Yes. Yes I do think there is some kind of secret hidden room in the shack." I said. The four of us walked downstairs and saw a door with intricate designs on it.

"Okay, so I was cleaning up behind this bookcase, when boom! Mystery door." Soos said. "This old shack is full of weird secrets." Soos opened the door to reveal an old and dusty room full of webs. Dipper and Mabel looked around in awe before Dipper looked down and read the tag attached to the blue carpet.

"'Experiment 78'?" Dipper read. "Grunkle Stan, what is this place?"

"I don't know. Just another room I gotta clean up now." Stan said, walking over to the dresser and picking up a familiar-looking pair of glasses.

"This carpet is amazing!" Mabel said, making a 'carpet angel' in it.

"Yeah, if you're into things that are terrible." Stan said.

"Problem solved! I'll move in here." Dipper said, grabbing the key off the rack.

"What? Why do you automatically get the room?" Mabel said. "We both saw it at the same time."

"Wait a second. So you _both_ want this room, huh?" Stan said, grabbing the key from Dipper. "I guess I'll give it to whichever one of you I like more." Stan said, pulling the lace on his shoe so it came untied. "Uh oh. Looks like my shoe's untied." Dipper and Mabel looked at each other for a second before they began fighting over who would tie his shoe as Stan laughed. "To the kitchen. Fight, fight, fight, fight!" Stan said, leaving the room as the twins started to run after him, before Soos stopped them.

"Whoh, I don't know, dudes. This room gives me major creep-o vibes." Soos said. "You know, the attic is a pretty good space. Maybe you two should appreciate what you've got." Of course, the twins ignored Soos and chased after Stan. "Heh. Hey, what do I know? Maybe there's nothing creepy going on in this room." Soos said as I followed the twins. When I got upstairs, the twins were standing in front of Stan.

"Alright, kids, here's how it's going to go down. Whoever sucks up the hardest gets the key to the new room." Stan said, holding the key in front of the twins.

"Grunkle Stan, we're not gonna suck up to you just to get the key to the new room." Dipper said.

"Yeah we are!" Mabel said.

"10 suck up points for Mabel!" Stan said.

"I mean, uh, yeah we are. Heh heh." Dipper said.

"You're trying too hard. -15 suck up points." Stan said.

"What?!" Dipper yelled.

"Good decision, Grunkle Stan!" Mabel said.

"Trying _way_ too hard! +15 suck up points!" Stan said. "Now, who wants to re-tile the roof in searing 105-degree heat?"

"Me! Me! I'll do it!"

"Me! Me! No, Dipper, give it here!"

"Stan, you're a good uncle." Stan said, patting himself on the back while Dipper and Mabel fought over the supplies outside.

 **~Time skip brought to you by: some kind of secret hidden room in the shack!~**

Back downstairs now, I sat on the couch relaxing for a bit when Dipper came in.

"All these chores will be worth it when I get this room." Dipper said. "Shag carpeting! Come on." Dipper said, taking his shoes off and rubbing his socks on the rug.

"Hey, brother. Don't get too comfortable. I just made Stan an omelette shaped like his own face." Mabel said, walking into the room as Dipper walked around on the rug. "Face it. I'm like a suck up ninja. This room's as good as mine. You might as well give up now. What do you say?"

"How about you two stop fighting?" I said, walking over to them.

"I say I'm gonna win this room somehow. And when I do, I'm finally going to have my own space, and we'll never have to share anything ever again!" Dipper said, walking over to Mabel and slapping her hand as I tried to stop it. The result was a bright flash of electricity as the three of us were shot backwards.

When I got up, I was noticeably shorter. I was noticeably warmer. My mouth was feeling weird. I had long hair. _I was in Mabel's body._

"Ugh. What happened?" I said. Or rather, Dipper in my body said.

"Dipper? Why are you wearing Nathan's clothes? And his… face!" Mabel in Dipper's body said. "Am I in your body?!"

"Am I in your body, Nathan?!" Dipper in my body said.

"Yes, and yes, and I'm in Mabel's body." I said, in Mabel's body. _'If I wrote it out, would it be grammatically correct to say "I in Mabel's body" or "me in Mabel's body"? Or would neither of them be correct? Normally, I'm very good at this stuff, but this is a_ very _unique case.'_ Dipper in my body and Mabel in Dipper's body began screaming, and ran around the room panicking for a while.

 **~Time skip brought to you by: Freaky Friday! The movie where two people swapped bodies. This is very similar!~**

"Great. Just what we need. More Gravity Falls weirdness." Dipper in my body said.

"This is stupid! Sharing a room was bad enough." Mabel in Dipper's body said. "Now we're sharing bodies?!"

"Well, on the bright side, at least I have some body hair now." Dipper in my body said.

"I don't like these braces." I said, still in Mabel's body. "Also, as a teenage boy in a girl's body, this is _incredibly_ awkward."

"I want to know why you're so sweaty, and awkward." Mabel in Dipper's body said.

"Hey, look. Experiment 78." Dipper in my body said, walking over to the rug and looking at the tag. "Electron carpet. Atoms can swap electrons. This carpet must build up a static charge so powerful it can swap minds. It was the static electricity! Maybe we could use it to switch back."

"Phew. Glad I'm switching back." Mabel in Dipper's body said. "If I was you, I would totally lose the contest." Dipper in my body suddenly looked scared. "Hmm. That gives me an idea… HEY, STAN! DIPPER- I mean, I DON'T LIKE YOU!" Mabel in Dipper's body said, about to run upstairs, before tripping. "Tie your shoes!" Mabel in Dipper's body said, before running upstairs.

"Hey! Mabel, get back here!" Dipper in my body said, also running upstairs. I sigh and run upstairs too.

"Hey, Grunkle Stan, your face looks like a butt!" Mabel in Dipper's body said.

"What?!" Stan said.

"Breaking stuff is so much fun; I am Dipper and I stink!" Mabel in Dipper's body said, breaking stuff.

"Nathan! Please; you have to sabotage Mabel for me! Please!" Dipper in my body begged.

"Okay, fine." I said, in Mabel's body, as I climbed up onto the table. "Mabel's gone bananas! Wing! Zow! Balow!" I said in Mabel's body as I poured the cereal all over myself in Mabel's body.

"Welp; this is gettin' weird." Stan said, getting up and leaving.

"Wait, come back!"

The twins argued a bit more as I left, before bumping into Candy and Grenda. "There you are, Mabel." Grenda said, grabbing me in Mabel's body.

"Attack her with love!" Candy said.

"Yeah!" Grenda said. "Sleepover!" Grenda and Candy ran upstairs while Grenda was carrying me in Mabel's body.

"Nathan! Hey, wait! Wait, come back!" Mabel in Dipper's body said, chasing after us. "Hey, um… could I talk to my… sister for a sec?"

"This is a sleepover, buddy. No boys allowed!" Grenda said, slamming the door. I was trapped in the attic for a while.

 **~Time skip brought to you by: '"Why Am I Sweaty?" Your body explained in horrifyingly uncomfortable detail.' Poor Mabel.~**

It took me a while, but I managed to escape the clutches of Candy and Grenda, and I met back up with Dipper in my body and Mabel in Dipper's body. Mabel in Dipper's body wasn't looking happy.

"It's over, Dipper. Stan gave you the room." Mabel in Dipper's body said, holding the key to the room.

"Ha ha; yes! Alright!" Dipper in my body said excitedly. "Well, let's switch bodies then, and I can start moving in."

"Wait a minute. You can't have the room if you can never get in!" Mabel in Dipper's body said, running off.

"Hey! Come back!" Dipper in my body said, chasing Mabel in Dipper's body. I chased after them in Mabel's body as well. Mabel in Dipper's body ran into the room and closed and locked the door. "Come on! Open the door, Dipper! I mean, Mabel." Dipper in my body said. "How am I ever going to get in there?… Hmm. Nathan, I have an idea."

"I already know what it is." I said, in Mabel's body. I walked upstairs to Candy and Grenda. "Oh, girls. Who wants to give my brother a makeover?" I said, in Mabel's body, as they smiled and ran downstairs. Mabel in Dipper's body took the bait, opening the door and letting Candy and Grenda in as they gave Mabel in Dipper's body a makeover, and I arrived downstairs just in time to get my body back.

"Great job, ladies. Now let me add one final _touch_." Dipper in my body said, touching Mabel in Dipper's body and me in Mabel's body as a bright flash of electricity blinded us momentarily.

"Ah. My body. I'm a genius!" Dipper said, now back in his own body; as was I back in my own body and Mabel back in her body. Dipper wiped the makeup off his face. "Alright, Mabel. The room is mine."

"Wait, hold on here. What just happened?" Grenda asked.

"Ugh. _I_ barely understand it." Mabel said. "All I know is if you shuffle your feet on this carpet, you'll switch bodies or whatever."

Candy shuffled her feet on the rug. "Zip zap." Candy said, touching Dipper.

 **~Time skip brought to you by: this part is so confusing I can't understand anything that's going on.~**

We ended up swapping bodies left and right, and Waddles, McGucket, Blubs, Soos, and Durland got involved in the body-swapping too. Except for Waddles in Soos' body, who was nowhere to be seen. After a while, Dipper, Mabel and I were back in our own bodies.

"Mabel, are you _you_?" Dipper asked.

"Phew. I'm me." Mabel said.

"So am I." I said.

"Well, I've got the key." Dipper said, running off. Mabel and I followed; Mabel to get the key, and me to get away from the body-swapping chaos. We ran up to the attic and the twins fought over the key some more. "Mabel, the room is mine!" Dipper said. "Give it to me!" Dipper lunged for the key that Mabel ha grabbed and they rolled around for a bit.

"What's with you? Why do you need that room so bad?" Mabel asked. "I never even wanted to move out!"

"Me either!" Dipper said.

"Wait, what?" Mabel said. "Say that again?"

"I… I never wanted to move out." Dipper said.

"Then what was all this?" Mabel said.

"Everything was fine until you started bringing your friends around every night." Dipper said. "I mean, hanging out with you and Nathan this summer's been fun. But… Now you're always with Candy and Grenda, and we're, like… just left behind."

"Aw. Dipper." Mabel said.

"It's okay. I've just been having a hard time. You wouldn't understand what I'm going through." Dipper said.

"You're probably feeling awkward and sweaty, huh?" Mabel said.

"Yeah." Dipper said. "How'd you know?"

"Here. I won't fight you for it." Mabel said, tossing Dipper the key as he caught it.

"Thanks." Dipper said.

 **~Time skip brought to you by: Sr. Pelo's screaming!~**

I didn't catch much of what happened since then, although I did see Soos with some lady. And as I was getting settled in the chair in the living room, I saw Dipper walking upstairs with a pillow and blanket. A few minutes later, I heard a crash, followed by a thud.

"Ow! Why am I even out here at night?" Stan yelled. I chuckled as I drifted off to sleep.

The next morning, I went upstairs to talk to the twins. On the way, I passed by Soos and that one lady again, and the lady looked upset. I shrugged, knowing there was nothing I could do about it, and continued upstairs.

"So, what are we going to do with that new room?" Mabel asked as the twins played more attic golf.

"I gave it to Soos to replace that horrible break room he has." Dipper said. "Hey, do you know what the deal was with that lady?" Dipper asked as Mabel shrugged.

"I do." I said. "Long story short, while Waddles was in Soos' body, he met a lady and misunderstandings began and she thought he was romantically interested in her and when they switched back, a very noticeable difference happened in 'Soos'."

"Whoa!" Mabel said. "I never took Waddles for a ladies' man!"

"Yeah. So are you two done fighting?" I said. "The one thing I didn't like about the TV show you two are in is when you two would fight."

"Yeah, we're good." Mabel said as Dipper nodded.

"Good." I said, opening a portal back home. "Don't fight again, alright? You two have a special bond that only twins can have. I would hate to see it break." I said, as I walked through the portal and closed it.


	17. Boyz Crazy

**Chapter 17: Boyz Crazy**

Well, school has been letting up a little bit, so I was able to get back on schedule with my adventures in Gravity Falls. But of course, there's no guarantee it'll stay this way.

When I went through the portal this time, Dipper and Wendy were watching the security cams and making their own commentary.

 _"Do you have this T-shirt in my size?"_

 _"I have something even better. Behold: my butt."_

Dipper and Wendy laughed at their game.

"I could play this game forever." Dipper whispered.

"What'd you say?" Wendy asked.

"Coughing! I was coughing!" Dipper said. "Those weren't words!"

"This is fun. What you two have." Mabel said.

"Mabel, how long have you been standing there?" Dipper said.

"Don't worry about that. Let's talk about why I'm doing this dance!" Mabel said, pointing down to her feet, which were moving rapidly in an impromptu dance.

"Oh no. She got into the smile dip again!" Dipper said.

"Wrong one thousand. It's because today is the greatest day of my life!" Mabel said, throwing a calendar at Dipper, but it hit me in the face instead. "Oops! Sorry, Nathan!"

"Eh, it's okay." I said, handing the calendar to Dipper.

"Sev'ral Timez is playing at the Gravity Falls Civics Center and Buffet!" Mabel said.

"Ugh. Sev'ral Timez? Aren't they that boy band that came a decade too late?" Dipper said. "Mabel, you know all those boy bands are fake, right?"

"Dipper's right." Wendy said. "They're just a manufactured product of the bloated corporate music industry."

"You're making my dance sad." Mabel said.

"There's probably a machine that mass-produces them." Dipper chuckled.

"Or maybe the boys are grown from pods." Wendy said, as the three of us began laughing; Dipper and Wendy at their joke, and me at the fact that that's actually the case.

"You guys can't ruin this for me. Mabel's got backup!" Mabel said, pointing to the door as Candy and Grenda walked in. "Ready for the greatest night of our lives? How many times am I gonna love ya?"

"Sev'ral Timez!"

"Ugh; girls." Dipper said.

"I know, right?" Wendy said, as I chuckle to myself at the irony.

After they left, Dipper and Wendy continued their game of making fun of customers on the security cams.

 _"Hey, is this the finger-less glove store? I like things that are dumb. I'm Robbie."_

Dipper, Wendy and I laughed at our game.

"Ha ha ha ha. Laugh it up, chief." Robbie said, walking over to us. "So hey, Wendy. Nate and his girlfriend are going to lookout point this weekend. Maybe we should go too." Robbie flirted, raising an eyebrow suggestively as Wendy looked at him in aggravation.

"Are you kidding me?! First you stand me up last night, and instead of apologizing, you want me to go to lookout point?!" Wendy said.

"We'll just be over here." Dipper said as him and I retreated behind the employees only door and peeking through.

"Look, Robbie. I'm not sure this relationship's working. Maybe I should see other people." Wendy said as Dipper got overly excited; hugging me and Waddles who were close by.

"Whoa, whoa whoa, hey, hey. Before you do anything crazy, I… I, uh… I want you to hear this." Robbie said, taking out a music disc from a shady-looking case and putting it in a player. "I wrote this song just for you." Robbie said, pressing play. _"When I think about you, I feel feelings so deep. I'm tossing, turning, and you know I'm losing sleep. I know I'm going crazy when I look into your eyes. Just listen to this song, and you'll be hypnotized."_ Robbie sang as Dipper cringed and Wendy suddenly looked… off.

"You know, maybe I was being a little hasty." Wendy said. "I'll give you another chance."

"Yes, alright!" Robbie cheered as Wendy kissed him and Dipper looked on in utter shock.

"Let me go grab my coat." Wendy said, walking past me and Dipper. Dipper turned to Robbie with an accusational glare.

"Alright, Robbie. I saw that weird CD." Dipper said, confronting Robbie as I stood back. "What the heck are you up to?"

"It's called romance, kid. Something _you'd_ never understand." Robbie said. I decided I'd step in.

"Oh, yeah? Well, I _do_ know about romance." I half-lied. "And I _know_ that something shady is going on here." I said, as Robbie's confidence fell slightly.

"You ready?" Wendy said, walking through the door with her coat on. "I can't believe you wrote that for me."

"I know. I'm just so insanely talented." Robbie said. Dipper took out the CD that Robbie left and began inspecting it.

"What are you doing?" Mabel asked.

"Guys, the weirdest thing just happened." Dipper said. "I think Robbie might be hypnotizing Wendy with his music."

"Oh, Dipper. Girls just like musicians." Mabel said. "You'll understand when you're older."

"We're the same age!" Dipper said.

"Girls mature faster than guys." Mabel said. "Right, Grenda?"

"This is Grenda time!" Grenda said, kissing a picture of Sev'ral Timez.

"Okay, okay, hold up here. First of all, girls don't mature faster than guys, nor do guys mature faster than girls. It depends entirely on the specific individuals being compared." I said. "And second, I _am_ older, and I can confirm that something shady is definitely going on here."

"See?!" Dipper said.

"Okay, maybe you are right." Mabel said. "But we're going to see Sev'ral Timez so we can't help you. Good luck!" Mabel said, as Mabel, Candy and Grenda rushed out the door.

Dipper paced around the shack, looking intently at the CD. I followed him, and we stumbled upon Stan stocking meat for the apocalypse.

"Stocking meat for the apocalypse; doodly-doo. We're all gonna die." Stan half-sang as Dipper and I walked in. "What's with the pacing, kid? You look even more freaked out than usual."

"Oh, I don't know. You wouldn't understand." Dipper said, putting the CD in his vest and starting to walk away.

"Ah, come on, kid. Try me." Stan said, pulling Dipper back and sitting him in a chair.

"Okay. This is gonna sound weird, but I think Robbie might be brainwashing Wendy with music." Dipper said, showing Stan the black CD.

"I've seen this before." Stan said.

"Really?" Dipper said.

"Her name was Carla McCorkle. Carla 'Hotpants' McCorkle." Stan said. "Me and Carla baby would cut a rug together at The Juke Joint, our favorite 50's themed, 1970's diner. Then one day, this new age tree-hugger starts playing this transcendental hippie music. Carla's hot pants turned into bell-bottoms before I even knew what happened." Stan said. "My memories get a little hallucination-y at the end, but you get the gist."

"So, wait. You actually believe my theory?" Dipper said.

"You're darn right I do." Stan said, squeezing the can of meat he was holding. "And we're gonna get to the bottom of it. Right after I get to the bottom of this brown meat." Stan said, devouring the can's contents. "It's apocalicious!"

After Stan finished the meat, we headed into the living room. "You see, Dipper, music has subliminal mind control hidden in it all the time." Stan said. "If you listen closely, even the music I play in the gift shop has subtle hidden messages."

"You mean you screaming 'buy more key-chains'?" I said.

"Exactly!" Stan said, taking out an old record player. "If you wanna hear the mind-controlling messages, you gotta slow down the record. Gimme that LP!" Stan said, putting the CD on the record player. It just sparks electricity and scratches the CD.

"Oh, right." Dipper said.

"We're doing something wrong here, but I can't put my finger on it." Stan said as Dipper walked away. Meanwhile, Mabel, Candy and Grenda came in through the door hauling a large bag.

"Hey, guys. How was the concert?" Dipper said. "And what's in the bag?"

"Uh, money! Money we stole!" Mabel said.

"We are criminals! We will cut you!" Candy said.

"Let's go away from here now!" Mabel said as they hauled the bag upstairs.

 **~Time skip brought to you by: clones!~**

"Alright. It took all day, but I converted it to a record." Dipper said, holding up the new record. "And now we can slow it down to see if the mind control message is correct. Prepare to have your mind blown." Dipper said, putting the record on the record player.

"Spit take, here I come!" Stan said, slowly taking a drink of Pitt Cola. Dipper played the record, and pulled a lever down, slowing down the record. It was just the same song slowed down and in a lower pitch; nothing extra. "Hmm. That's not spit-worthy. What gives?" Stan said, swallowing the soda.

"What? Is that it?" Dipper said, moving the lever back and forth. "Ugh! This was so stupid! Of course there's no hidden mind control messages. Mabel was right. Wendy just likes the song." Dipper said, sitting down. "She just likes Robbie."

"Hey, Dip. Nathan. Forgot my keys." Wendy said, walking in the door with Robbie and walking past us. Robbie stood there staring at us.

"What's up, junior? What are you doing? Trying to come up with an equation to make girls like you?" Robbie taunted.

"Ready to go to lookout point?" Wendy said.

" _Am_ I?" Robbie said. "Later, dorks. Catch you on the rewind. I made that up."

"I'll rewind your face!" Stan yelled back.

"Wait a minute. Stan. Rewind!" Dipper said, using his finger to make the record play backwards.

 _"You are now under my control. Your mind is mine."_

Stan spit all the soda in his mouth on Dipper's face as I made sure to avoid the spray. "Holy mackerel! Now _there's_ your spit take!" Stan said.

"Ha ha! I knew it! It's mind control after all!" Dipper exclaimed. "Oh no! I've gotta save Wendy!"

"Finally a good reason to punch a teenager in the face!" Stan said. "Let's roll!" Stan, Dipper and I rushed out the door and piled into Stan's car and we sped off.

"We gotta warn Wendy about that song before she gets brainwashed!" Dipper said.

"Road safety laws, prepare to be ignored!" Stan said, breaking through a barrier and driving on a road that had a sign reading 'no vehicles' as he also knocked over a tree. Stan sped up the hill and we did a small jump and landed as Stan fell out of the car and Dipper rushed out of the car and over to the van that Wendy and Robbie were in with the tape recorder he had.

"Wendy! Stop! Robbie's been lying to you!" Dipper said, holding the tape recorder as the window rolled down.

"Dipper?!" Wendy said.

"Kid? Mr. Pines?! Nathan?!" Robbie said.

"That's Mr. Pines to you!" Stan said.

"What? That's what I just said." Robbie said.

"Look, Wendy, you've gotta hear this." Dipper said, pressing play as the normal song played. "There's a message in there. I swear!" Dipper said.

"Uh, let me just close the window." Robbie said, reaching to close the window.

"Wait, wait! Here!" Dipper said, turning up the volume.

 _"You are now under control! Your mind is mine!"_

"Whoa." Wendy said. "Robbie, what's that doing in our song?"

"Baby, I promise. I don't know anything about those messages." Robbie said. "In fact, I didn't even write that song! I ripped it off some other band! So, we're all good… right?"

"No! We're not 'all good'!" Wendy said. "I don't care about the messages! You said you wrote that song for me, and I actually thought it was sweet, you big liar."

"I know, I know, I lie about a lot of stuff." Robbie said. "Like using your makeup, and fighting a bear, although—"

"No! You know what? It's over, Robbie! We're through!" Wendy said.

"What?!" Robbie said. "Wendy!"

"Goodbye." Wendy said, getting out of the van and walking away.

"Ha ha; we won!" Stan cheered. "Kid, this is a victory for every guy whose hands are too weak or fat to play a musical instrument."

"I couldn't have done it without you, Grunkle Stan." Dipper said. "Or you, Nathan."

"Actually, you would've still figured it out even if I wasn't here." I said.

"Oh. Well, thanks anyway." Dipper said, as the three of us high-fived and Dipper started to rush off before I stopped him by grabbing his wrist.

"Dipper, no. She needs to be left alone right now." I said. "If you try to make a move, it will backfire."

"Oh, man." Robbie moped.

"Look, if it makes you feel any better, the apocalypse is coming soon. Bury your gold." Stan said. "You've been buying gold, right?"

 **~Time skip brought to you by: failed romances. I've had a few of those…~**

"Women. They're the real mystery, Dip." Stan said. "You ruin their date, drive their hippie boyfriend's van into a ravine, and somehow you're the bad guy."

"No, it's my fault, Grunkle Stan. I shouldn't have meddled in Wendy's personal life." Dipper said. "If it wasn't for Nathan, she'd probably hate me now."

"Ah, chin up, kid. You were trying to do the right thing." Stan said. "Even though you destroyed a relationship and part of my car."

"Do you think she'll get over all this?" Dipper asked.

"I'll bet she will." Stan said. "And until then, you can always go bowling with me."

"Thanks, Grunkle Stan." Dipper said.

"Don't mention it, kid." Stan said, as we suddenly heard some rustling outside. "Wait a second. Is something rooting through our trash?!" Stan said, as we walked outside to investigate. "Hey, hey. Get outta here!" Stan yelled, as one of the members of Sev'ral Timez ran away. "Darn beautiful men, always… eating out of my trash.… Wait, what?"

Stan walked back inside, closing the door.

"So, what was it, Grunkle Stan?" Dipper asked.

"I don't know. Some guy looking like he was part of a boy band was eating our trash, and ran off into the forest on his hands and feet like a wild animal." Stan said. "It was weird."

"You know Dipper, I've had my fair share of failed romance attempts as well." I said.

"Really? Like what?" Dipper asked.

"Well, let's just say that in my dimension, in 3 months, I will have gone 7 years without a girlfriend." I said. "My first and only girlfriend was back in 4th grade. Her name was Jasmine. We were great friends. We played Mario Kart DS together on matching Nintendo DS systems. Now, I had fallen in love with her, and I asked her to be my girlfriend. At first, she said no, but one day in the last month of the school year, she changed her mind and said yes. I was ecstatic at the time. Although, looking back on it now, I realize that it was nothing more than glorified best friends. As it turns out, we didn't do anything that couples did; not even hugging or holding hands."

"It lasted about two weeks before she broke up with me. I didn't see her for almost a year and a half. Then one day in 6th grade, I saw her and said 'hi' to her, but she didn't acknowledge me. I also later on found out that she had a new boyfriend—and to add insult to injury, he even had the same name as me."

"I had pretty much not even tried to get another girlfriend for a couple years after the breakup, before we moved at the last day of 7th grade. Then I fell in love with a girl named Angelina. One day in class, she even asked for my phone number and we swapped numbers, and even had a text conversation. But later on, a few months later, she straight up told me she had a boyfriend. So, that happened, I guess."

"And then there were instances where I actually may have had a chance but I blew it. In 9th grade, a girl in my class named Ellie asked me if I wanted to be her boyfriend. I was so shocked and nervous that I found myself stammering and unable to say 'yes' like I wanted to. She noticed this, and asked if we could be normal friends. Of course, _that_ time I had been able to form an answer. Just my luck; to be honest."

"And that leads me to my current crush; Autumn. I had fallen in love with her at about 9th or 10th grade. I'm in 11th grade now. I had asked her to the homecoming dance earlier in the year, and she said yes. I was ecstatic again. I spent the entire day that Saturday preparing; I took two showers, brushed my teeth three times, combed my hair twice, and my mom took me to the store and we picked out a very nice looking suit and a bouquet of roses for me to give to her. At 8:00, my mom took me to the dance, and I waited patiently for her to arrive."

"When she did arrive, she was in a beautiful dress. I told her she looked beautiful, and I gave her the roses, and she said I was sweet. Everything was going great so far. But then, less than 3 minutes later, she said she was going to go get a drink of water. I thought nothing of it and she left. Well, after a few minutes, I was wondering where she was. I looked around for her, and I couldn't find her. I looked and looked and looked everywhere for her. I looked for hours. In fact, I looked for her for the rest of the night, and never found her."

"Maybe she had to leave early and forgot to tell me. But regardless, I went home that night with a broken heart, and what happened that night made it out on Facebook too apparently. Although, I still had a crush on her. As a matter of fact, I had asked her to be my girlfriend yesterday. And while she said no, I could tell that she was trying to let me down lightly. It worked, too, since while I was sad, I was over it within the hour." I finished.

"Y'know, this confirms everything." Stan said. "Women are a great mystery."

"I also had a dream the other night that I did get a girlfriend, and was disappointed to find out it was just that: a dream." I said.

"Man. And I thought I was having a hard time." Dipper said. "You've been rejected multiple times and even went through a breakup."

"Yep." I said. "In fact, whenever the topic comes up, I feel a noticeable dip in my mood. And with Valentine's Day just around the corner in my dimension, it's especially hard for me this time of year."

" _Your_ dimension? What?!" Stan said.

"Yeah." I said. "Anyway, I think it's time for me to head back now." I said, as I left the room and went back home through the portal.


	18. Land Before Swine

**Chapter 18: Land Before Swine**

If Jurassic Park counts as a horror movie, then it's the first one I've watched. Today though, I'd be going into the Jurassic Sap Hole.

I opened the portal to Gravity Falls and walked through to see Mabel and Waddles having a dance party. I watched them for a bit until Mabel fell to the floor in exhaustion. It didn't last long as Waddles licked Mabel's hand.

"Uh-oh. Cuddle time." Mabel said, sitting up and holding Waddles. "Waddles, can I tell you a secret? You're my favorite pig in the whole world." Mabel said, falling asleep on the floor when Stan walked in and tripped over Mabel while counting his money, waking her up.

"Mabel? What are you doing on the floor?" Stan said.

"Being cute and great." Mabel said.

"And I thought your brother was weird." Stan said.

"Nah, he's more like: 'Ahh! Let's solve a mystery! I kiss a pillow with Wendy's face drawn on it!'" Mabel said, mocking Dipper as she took my hat off to mock Dipper then gave it back when she was done.

"Ha ha; that's pretty good. Kissing a pillow." Stan said as Waddles walked up and started chewing on Stan's pant leg.

"Go, go! Chew that pant leg!" Mabel said. Stan struggled to get Waddles off, and when he did, Waddles took part of the pant leg with him.

"Alright. Outside. Now!" Stan said, opening a window.

"No!" Mabel said, hugging Waddles. "Grunkle Stan, it's not safe for Waddles outside. There's predators, and barbecuers."

"That's just the natural order. It's not my fault your pig's potentially delicious." Stan argued.

"He should be inside like a person!" Mabel said.

"People don't roll around in their own filth!" Stan said. "Except for Soos."

"And we're the lesser for it." Mabel said. "Maybe _we're_ the ones who should be put outside. Huh? Huh? Think about it." Mabel said, leaving the room with Waddles as I followed. I would've gone outside to help Dipper and Soos, but I _hate_ the heat. So I stayed inside in the air-conditioned shack as Mabel knit matching sweaters for her and Waddles, until a commercial caught her attention.

 _"Hey you!"_ The TV blared.

"Me?" Mabel asked.

 _"Sick of constantly dropping your baby?"_

 _"Yes."_

 _"Hi, I'm Bobby Renzobbi, and what you need is the huggy wuvvy tummy bundle!"_

 _"I can hold 10 babies at once!"_

 _"I know what you're thinking! Does it work for pigs? Ah; ha ha, yeah it does work for pigs, stupid! Feel your pig's heartbeat next to yours! IT WORKS FOR PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGS!"_

"Grunkle Stan! I'm off to get a huggy wuvvy tummy bundle!" Mabel said.

"Yeesh! Isn't knitting matching sweaters for that pig enough?" Stan said.

"Nope." Mabel said, still holding the knitting needles. "Anyway, I need you to look after this little gentleman while I'm gone." Mabel said, as Waddles ate a fly that happened to wander too close.

"Not now, kid. I've got some tourists coming through." Stan said.

"Grunkle Stan, I know you're not crazy about Waddles." Mabel said.

"He's a fat naked jerk!" Stan said.

"But you do care about me. Promise me you won't let him outside." Mabel said.

"Fine. Yeah, yeah. I promise." Stan said.

"Thanks, Grunkle Stan!" Mabel said, rushing out the door.

"I'm watching you, pig." Stan said, leaning down and pointing at Waddles, who lifted up a leg and put it on Stan's finger, who recoiled.

Meanwhile, Dipper and Soos came rushing in, covered in sap and holding some cameras.

"We did it! It tripped the wire!" Dipper said excitedly. "Somewhere in these cameras is a photo of that creature! I'll go develop the film."

"I'll go make us victory nachos!" Soos said. "Dipper and Soos for life!"

"I'll come, too!" I said, following Dipper upstairs.

"Nathan! Oh my gosh, we just got a picture of the creature that's been going around town!" Dipper said.

"I know." I said. "I'm coming to help." Dipper and I went into the attic and Dipper began developing the film as I watched since I didn't know how to develop film.

"Come on, come on. Hmm… That's a wing!" Dipper said, looking at the developed picture. "If camera B got the wing, then the one that should've got the rest is… camera C!" Dipper said, rushing over to the photo as I rushed to the door to hold it shut with all my weight. I felt Soos trying to open the door as I struggled to hold it shut.

"Dipper! Dude, you in there?" Soos asked through the door.

"Not now, Soos! The photo's almost ready!" Dipper said, looking at the photo.

"Hurry! I can't keep it shut much longer!" I said, as Soos kept trying to open the door.

"The creature!" Dipper said suddenly. "It's a dinosaur?!" Dipper exclaimed as Soos finally barged in.

"Who wants victory nachos?" Soos said as bright light spilled in the room.

"Oh my gosh; that was too close." Dipper said. "But we got the creature!"

"What is it?" Soos asked.

"It looks like a dinosaur, but those should be extinct." Dipper said, when suddenly a loud roar was heard outside. We rushed outside and saw a pterodactyl taking Waddles and leaving behind a trail of red yarn.

"Dude! Did you see that? That thing was a dinosaur, bro!" Soos said.

"How is it possible a dinosaur survived 65 million years?" Dipper said.

"Did you see it, Mr. Pines?" Soos said. "Mr. Pines?"

"It… it-it took him." Stan said.

"Took what?" Dipper asked.

"The pig. It took Waddles." Stan said.

"What'd you say about Waddles?" Mabel asked, returning back on her bike. The four of us just stared at her. "Ho ho, whoa. Awkward silence. …Bwaaaa!" Mabel said. "What's going on? Why are you standing around all awkwardly? And where's Waddles?"

"Um, uh… The good news is, you're getting a puppy!" Stan said, picking up the stake and hiding it behind his back.

"What happened?" Mabel asked, beginning to get worried.

"Well! See, uh… when the, uh…" Stan began nervously.

"Your pig got eaten by a p-terodactyl, bro." Soos said bluntly.

"What?!" Mabel exclaimed in apt alarm. "Waddles?! Waddles?! Where did he go?! How did this happen?!" Mabel said, hyperventilating. "Grunkle Stan, you didn't put him outside!"

"What?! Uh, no! I didn't put him anywhere! I'm not acting suspicious, you're acting suspicious! What's a pig?!" Stan panicked. _'Terrible lying there, Stan, especially for someone who can lie in 0.00531 seconds.'_

"Then what happened?" Dipper asked.

"Uh, look. It went down like this, see?" Stan said. "So there I was, in the living room, tenderly nursing him with only the richest of creams. When all of a sudden… the dinosaur came in and snatched Waddles! So I said 'No dice, cowboy!' and started punching him right in the face! But he played dirty. That really happened!"

"Oh, Grunkle Stan, you tried to save him!" Mabel said, hugging Stan.

"Uh, yep! I'm a great man, alright." Stan said, standing there stiffly as Mabel hugged him.

"You punched a pterodactyl in the face?" Dipper said skeptically. "I thought you didn't even believe in the supernatural."

"Dinosaurs aren't magic, they're just big lizards! Get off my back!" Stan said.

"Oh, Waddles…" Mabel said, looking at a picture of her with her beloved pig tearfully.

"That's it. No pterodactyl messes with my sister." Dipper said. "We're gonna go out there, catch him, and save your pig! For Mabel, guys!"

"For Mabel!" Soos cheered.

"But how would we even find the little guy?" Stan said.

"We follow that!" Mabel said, pointing at the trail of red yarn from Waddles' sweater.

"Ho ho, sweet!"

"Yes! Genius!"

"Or, y'know, we could just call it a day, maybe hit the pool haul, or…" Stan said, then pausing when he noticed all four of us looking at him. "Yeah! Let's go… save Woggles!"

"Waddles." Mabel corrected him.

"Him too." Stan said.

 **~Time skip brought to you by: I used to say it as p-terodactyl, too. When I was 7, I'd pronounce words how they looked when spelled out. The English language rules' exceptions make it complicated for those who don't speak English trying to learn it. Goose, geese. Moose, but not meese. Mouse, mice. House, but not hice.~**

"All right!" Soos said, finishing spray-painting the words 'Pterodactyl Mobile' on his truck. "That p-terodactyl won't know what hit him!"

"Heh; it's 'pterodactyl', man." Dipper said.

"Actually, no one knows how to pronounce it 'cause no one was alive back in dinosaur days, so, uh…" Soos said, crawling under the truck a bit to hook the strap under the truck when the truck sputtered and rolled forward a bit, almost running over Soos' head, but luckily, he got out in time. "Whoa! Almost ran over my own head there, heh heh." Soos said. "Wow."

"Mabel, we've gotta talk." Dipper said, walking over to Mabel and out of earshot of Soos. "This is a really high stakes mission, and I'm a little worried about Soos coming along on this one. I love the guy, but sometime he… messes stuff up." Dipper said, whispering the last part.

"What? Since when?" Mabel said.

"Well, there was the time he knocked over and broke the crystal ball when he was sweeping, and the time he was putting a window in but it fell and shattered, and then there was… the incident with the fairy." Dipper said.

"Let him down easy." Mabel said as Dipper walked over to Soos.

"This is so great! You and me, bro. Best friends." Soos said. "Fighting and potentially high-fiving dinosaurs."

"Soos, look. I, uh… I gotta tell you something." Dipper said.

"Okay. But before you do, check out these matching shirts I made for us!" Soos said, handing Dipper a shirt as he held out a matching one that depicted Dipper and Soos surrounded by 'friendship rays' and a pterodactyl in the background with the words 'Pterodactyl Bros' above the picture. "Who's this guy right here? You. Totally you, dude." Soos said, pointing to Dipper on the shirt. "And these rays indicate friendship. So what was it you were gonna tell me again?"

"Uh… p-terodactyl here we come, heh." Dipper said lamely.

"Yus!" Soos said, getting into the truck as Dipper sighed and the rest of us got in too. Soos started up the truck and drove off, following the yarn trail. "Bros before dinos!" Soos cheered.

 **~Time skip brought to you by: time skips!~**

After a while, Soos pulled up to an abandoned church building, which was where the yarn lead to. We got out and walked inside, only to see McGucket.

"Old Man McGucket?" Mabel said.

"Howdy, friends!" McGucket said.

"What are you doing out here?" Dipper asked.

"You'll never believe me!" McGucket said. "So I was doing my hourly hootenanny…" McGucket began, doing a dance.

"Ugh. This guy." Stan said.

"…When this enormous wingly critter stole my musical spoons, and flew lickety-split into the abandoned mines down yonder." McGucket said, pointing down the large hole in the middle of the floor.

"'Musical spoons'?" I said as Dipper shrugged.

"Looks kinda hairy down there." Stan said.

"Come on, Grunkle Stan, you can handle it. You punched a pterodactyl in the face, remember?" Mabel said.

"Oh, yeah! Heh heh. I did do that, didn't I?" Stan said.

"My! What suspicious laughter!" McGucket said blithely.

"Guys, we're going in." Mabel said.

"Need someone to tag along and tell weird personal stories?" McGucket said.

"No, thanks." Stan said.

Dipper took a rope out of his backpack and tied one end up here and threw the other end down into the mine. We all scaled down the rope—including McGucket—and after a few seconds, the rope snapped and we fell down. My extra weight of around 115-120 pounds made the rope snap quicker than it would have if I wasn't there. We fell all the way down to the bottom and landed on a giant mushroom. And of course, with my luck, Dipper and Mabel both landed right on top of me.

"Ah! My back!" I said in pain.

"Oh! Sorry, Nathan!" Mabel said, as her and Dipper got off of me and Dipper looked around.

"Whoa." Dipper said as everyone else whispered in surprise. "These plants look all Jurassic-y."

"Huh. This little fella smells like battery acid." Soos said, pointing at a flower which spit some gas in his face. "Ughhh! Looks like I lost my sense of smell; ha ha ha!" Soos laughed.

"Oh, Waddles. We're gonna find you." Mabel said.

As we walked down the tunnel, we came upon a Tyrannosaurus-Rex encased in tree sap. We looked around, and several more dinosaurs were encased in tree sap.

"They're all trapped inside tree sap. That's how they survived for 65 million years." Dipper noted as we came across a hole in one of the sap chambers. "The summer heat must be melting them loose."

"Whoa! Look at this one! Soos said, pointing to a dinosaur in sap.

"I don't think I've ever seen this one in the history books." Dipper said. Mabel gasped.

"Whoever sees a new dinosaur first gets to name it!" Mabel said. "Soos! Name it!"

"Make it a good name." Dipper said.

"I'm gonna name it 'RadDawgCeraTops'!" Soos said.

"Well, I guess that's a real thing now." Dipper said.

"Holy moly! Forget the cornicorn. This is the attraction of a lifetime!" Stan said. "I could bring people down here and turn this into some sort of theme park. 'Jurassic Sap Hole'!"

"Uh, dudes?" Soos said, looking at the T-Rex, which was wriggling its claw outside of the sap.

"Maybe we should keep moving." Dipper said.

"This could be a gold mine!" Stan said, still not paying attention. "Velvety rope-type deal there, ticket booth here; ha! I should've put that pig outside ages ago!"

"Wait… what did you just say?" Mabel asked, standing right behind Stan. "You said the dinosaur flew _into_ the house."

"No, wait, uh…" Stan stammered. "I-i-if you think about it—"

"You put Waddles outside then you lied to me about it!" Mabel said. "And now, thanks to you, my pig could be dead! Waddles could be dead!"

"Look, he's an animal. He belongs outside." Stan said.

"No, that's it! Grunkle Stan, I am never ever speaking to you again!" Mabel said, turning away from Stan.

"Look, you can't be serious." Stan said.

"Oh, is someone talking right now? Because I can't hear them!" Mabel said.

"Kid!"

"La la la la la! I can't hear anyone! No one's talking to me!" Mabel half-shouted half-cried.

"Guys, guys. Don't fight." Soos said as I decided to step on the yarn so Soos wouldn't accidentally lose the trail. "Why can't you be more like me and Dipper? Look, everything's gonna be cool. All we gotta do to find the pig is follow this here yarn." Soos said, picking up the yarn and attempting to roll it back in a ball, but my foot stopped that from happening, alerting Soos to what he was doing. "Oh, whoops, almost made a big mistake there; ha ha." Soos laughed. "That was close, eh Dipper?" Soos said, slapping Dipper on the back hard enough to make him lose his grip on the lantern, which broke on the ground. "Sorry, dude."

"Soos!" Dipper said. As it turns out, I had failed in preventing Dipper and Soos' argument, although it was a bit more mellow, but as Mabel and Stan began arguing too, it was almost as chaotic as it would've been.

"Hey! Cheer up, fellers!" McGucket said. "I fixed yer lantern!" McGucket lifted up the lantern, which was fixed, and lighting up the pterodactyl behind him. Everyone shrieked in fear. "AHHH! Heh. Heh heh. What-what are we doing?" McGucket said. When nobody answered, McGucket turned around and saw the pterodactyl. "Nobody make any sudden movements or loud noises." McGucket said. "YEE-HAW! WE FOUND A PTERODACTYL!"

The pterodactyl screeched and began chasing us as we fled into a more open area of the mine and hid behind a large rock.

"Guys. We need a plan to get out of here." Dipper said.

"Okay, okay. How's about Mabel knits Soos a pig costume…" Stan began.

"I like it!" Soos said.

"…And we use Soos as a human sacrifice." Stan said.

"I like it!" Soos said.

"What do you say, Mabel?" Stan asked. Mabel huffed and turned away from Stan. "Aw, come on. You can't stop talking to me forever."

"Yeah, Mabel, we have to work together here." Dipper said. Then they broke out into an argument again before Waddles' oinking echoed throughout the mine.

"Wait, did you hear that?" Mabel said, looking over to the end of the trail of red yarn and seeing her beloved pig in the pterodactyl's nest. "Waddles!" Mabel cried out, rushing out onto the rickety tracks to get to Waddles. Everyone else followed, but stopped at the edge and stayed on solid ground.

"Mabel, are you nuts?!" Stan said.

"Oh, is someone speaking? Because I can't hear anything!" Mabel yelled, before continuing onward.

"Oh no! She's gone deaf with fear!" McGucket said.

"Mabel, come back here!" Dipper said, as we all rushed on the rickety tracks after her. We arrived at the nest to see Mabel holding Waddles affectionately.

"Uh, Mabel?" Dipper said, looking at the pile of human skulls and bones next to Mabel. "Mabel, quick! We gotta- now we gotta get out of here!" Dipper whispered frantically as Mabel put the huggy wuvvy tummy bundle on Waddles. Immediately after, the pterodactyl flew nearby as Waddles squealed, alerting Mabel to its presence. Waddles ran out onto the track and jumped onto Stan, knocking him down.

"Get off me, you dumb pig!" Stan said as the pterodactyl swooped down at Stan and Waddles, missing them, but knocking them off the track and into the abyss below.

"Oh no!"

"Stan!"

"Mr. Pines!"

The pterodactyl swooped down into the abyss and returned back up and dropped Stan's fez into the nest with the rest of us. "Guys, we've gotta save them!" Mabel said.

"McGucket, do you have an invention that can distract the pterodactyl?" Dipper asked.

"Do I?!" McGucket said, taking off his hat and rummaging around in it for a bit. "Nope!" McGucket said, when we heard cracking. The egg in the middle of the nest was hatching, and out came a baby pterodactyl.

"Well. Welcome to the world, little fel—" McGucket said, getting cut off as the baby pterodactyl ate him and swallowed McGucket whole. The baby pterodactyl kept munching on other things around the nest as we sat by the side.

"Aw, dude. Did he really just eat that prospector guy?" Soos said. "That is messed up."

"At least it didn't have any teeth." I said, when suddenly, the baby pterodactyl coughed up McGucket's hat.

"I'm okay!" McGucket said, coming up for a bit before the baby pterodactyl swallowed him again.

"What do we do? What do we do?" Dipper said.

"We have to get in a straight line." Soos said.

"What?" Dipper said.

"P-terodactyl's eyes are so far apart, that if you stand right in front of it, it can't see you." Soos explained.

"Soos, you've been wrong about stuff all day." Dipper said. "How can we—"

"Dude, look. I know I've messed up a lot. I can be sorta clumsy, and it's not always as lovable as I think." Soos said. "But please, as my friend, just trust me on this one." Dipper contemplated this for a bit before nodding. "Get behind me, dudes." Soos said as we got behind him in a straight line, maneuvering towards the tracks. The baby pterodactyl looked at us, and sure enough, it didn't seem to see us.

Of course, it didn't work out completely. I tripped over a twig that was sticking up, and that blew my cover. The baby pterodactyl screeched and lunged at me, and swallowed me whole, and my hat fell off in the brief chaos. I could faintly hear the desperate cries of the twins as it swallowed me. I kept getting swallowed down, but I tried to get back out, to no avail.

"Hello!" McGucket said as I entered the stomach.

"Nathan!" Dipper yelled. _'I have to get back out of here.'_ I struggled up the baby pterodactyl's throat, and my head came out of the back of the mouth. The baby pterodactyl tried to swallow me again, but I grabbed onto the corners of its mouth and pulled myself as hard as I could.

"Come on, Nathan, you can do it!" Dipper said.

"Nathan! Please don't get eaten!" Mabel said.

"Come on, dude!" Soos said.

I kept pulling myself out, and finally, I managed to get out far enough that Dipper and Mabel grabbed my hands and pulled me out the rest of the way, before I grabbed my hat and we all ran from it across the tracks and to the other side of the abyss before we collapsed on the ground.

"Nathan, you're okay!" Dipper said with relief.

"Thank goodness you're alright." Mabel said, hugging me.

"It gets better." I said. Right on cue, a loud roar was heard. We looked up and saw Stan on the pterodactyl with Waddles strapped to his back in the huggy wuvvy tummy bundle while punching the pterodactyl.

"Waddles!" Mabel said.

"He's punching him in the face!" Dipper said. Stan kept beating the pterodactyl as it flew right into the side of the cliff. Stan managed to grab the edge as the pterodactyl fell into the chasm. Stan climbed up the side and on solid ground as everyone ran over to him and Mabel walked up while wearing Stan's fez.

"Here's your pig, kiddo." Stan said, handing Waddles to Mabel.

"Waddles!" Mabel said, hugging Waddles as Stan took the fez and put it back on his head. "You saved him for me."

"Yeah, well, sometimes you've just gotta— look out!" Stan said as the pterodactyl climbed up the side of the cliff. We all ran from it to the entrance. "We're trapped!" Stan said.

Dipper looked around, seeing a geyser shoot a rock up through the hole we came in. "Quick! The geyser can shoot us back up!" Dipper said. We climbed into the geyser as the pterodactyl flew at us. "Come on, go, go!" Dipper panicked as the pterodactyl got closer.

"Bros before dinos!" Soos yelled, pounding the side of the geyser as it shot us up. We all landed scattered around the building as we regathered ourselves and left the building.

"I can't believe you did all that for Waddles." Mabel said.

"Ah, well… I can't have my favorite niece not talking to me." Stan said, leaning on a tree and getting sap on his hand. "But if I gotta leap on a pterodactyl and punch him in the face, then that's what I gotta do."

"That's kinda sappy." Mabel said as I laughed.

"W-what? That's how I feel." Stan said.

"No, I mean…" Mabel said, pointing at Stan's hand in the sticky sap.

"Oh, yeah." Stan said. "Gotcha!" Stan said, putting his sap-covered hand on Mabel's face and laughing, before they both started screaming when they realized that they were stuck. It took a bit l but they did get un-stuck. We climbed back into the car and drove off back to the shack where I took a shower to rid myself of the smell of a pterodactyl's insides before returning to my dimension.


	19. Dreamscapers

**Chapter 19: Dreamscapers**

I had a dream the other night that was frighteningly realistic. There wasn't anything in that dream that couldn't happen in real life. I had a dream that _this_ life was a dream and I went through the last several years of school in that dream and wasn't in high school at all, and it scared me that since going through high school was a dream, I thought I'd have to go through it all again and still had the memories of this 'dream' of life. In fact, in my dream, I was all the way back in 5th grade. When I woke up, I was relieved that it was just a dream. Today, I made sure I wasn't dreaming as I grabbed my portal remote and entered Gravity Falls. (Goodness; how many times did I say 'dream'?)

When I came through the portal, Stan and the twins were looking at the commercial of Lil' Gideon on TV.

 _"Who's cute as a button and always your friend? Lil' G-I-D to the E-O-N. Wink."_

"Ugh, Gideon." Dipper said.

"Remember when I wouldn't date him and he tried to destroy us?" Mabel said.

"He's always trying to trick me into losing the Mystery Shack." Stan said.

"One time I caught him stealing my moisturizer." Wendy said.

"And yet, our mutual hatred for him binds us together." Soos said.

 _"Come on down to Lil' Gideon's Tent of Telepathy. Opening soon at this location."_ As Bud said this, the tent fell onto the Mystery Shack.

"Uh, should we be worried about that?" Dipper said as I rushed upstairs. I walked into the room with the safe at the exact moment that Gideon broke in.

"Why, hello, Gideon. Nice of you to drop by." I said casually. "Next time, use the front door, okay?"

"Wha- Nathan?!" Gideon said.

"Yep. That's my name." I said, walking over to him and grabbing him by the shoulders and escorting him down the stairs and out the door.

"See? I told you Nathan would take care of it." Dipper said as everyone followed.

"Ha ha; see you later, you little twerp!" Stan teased.

"You mark my words, Stanford and Nathan! One day I'm gonna get that combination!" Gideon warned. "And once I steal that deed, you'll never see the Mystery Shack again!"

"Good luck, bucko!" Stan said as we walked back inside. "Nice job, Nathan." Stan said, nudging me, before walking upstairs as the others congratulated me on getting rid of Gideon so easily.

 **~Time skip brought to you by: Game Theory and Film Theory!~**

 _"He put the 'old' in 'old west'! They call him…"_

 _"Grandpa The Kid."_

 _"I'm tired during the day."_

"I can relate to this." Stan said.

"Grunkle Stan, why can't we watch a movie that we'll all enjoy?" Mabel said. "'Dream Boy High'! Where love is on your permanent record."

"Boo!" Everyone booed at Mabel's suggestion, including me.

"You'll learn to like it." Mabel said when Soos came running in in a panic.

"Dudes, there's a bat in the kitchen!" Soos said. "It tried to touch me with its… weird little bat fingers."

"Don't worry, I got this under control." Stan said, before reclining back in his chair. "Dipper, take care of it."

"Ha ha ha! Yes!" Mabel said.

"What? Why can't Mabel do it?" Dipper said.

"'Cause life ain't fair. Now go fight a bat so we can watch TV." Stan said.

"No way, Grunkle Stan! You _always_ make me do dumb chores." Dipper said. "I'm putting my foot down this time."

"I said do it, kid! Now!" Stan demanded. Stan and Dipper engaged in a staring contest on who would relent first. Dipper relented.

"Okay, I'll do it." Dipper said, sighing. "Stupid chores…"

"Remember, bats are more afraid of you than you are of them." Mabel said. "Maybe I'm thinking of ducklings…" Mabel said as Dipper fought the bat in the kitchen. The bat flew out the window, but not before putting up a considerable fight. "Heh heh; ducklings. Quack quack. Quack quack quack."

"You okay in there, dude?" Soos asked.

"Ow! I think it bit me." Dipper said.

"Hmm…" Soos said, inspecting Dipper's wrist. "Yep. Looks like a bite mark, alright. I'll grab the disinfectant." Soos walked over to the cabinet and got bandages and disinfectant and gave the bandages to Mabel, who began to put bandages around the scratches on Dipper's wrist and forehead while Soos put disinfectant on the bite. "Swabbing on disinfectant, do do doo…" Soos sang casually as Dipper hissed in pain.

"Why does Grunkle Stan always pick on me?" Dipper asked. "Think about it. The more painful or difficult the chore is, the more likely it is I'll have to do it. Why doesn't he pick on you guys?"

"Dipper, Stan's personalities is one of life's great mysteries." Soos said. "Like whether or not it's possible to lick your own elbow."

"I bet you can't." Mabel said.

"I bet I can." Soos said.

"Lick it! Lick it! Lick it!" Mabel chanted as Soos began trying to lick his elbow and him, Mabel and I left the room and eventually went outside. "Lick it! Lick it! Lick it! Lick it! Lick that elbow! Lick that elbow! Lick that elbow! Lick that elbow!"

"Like the infinite horizon, it eludes my grasp." Soos said, finally giving up, when we heard Gideon laughing.

"Is that who I think it is?" Mabel said as we followed the laugh. We walked over to where Gideon was and saw him hunched over, looking like he was in pain before he started chanting as his eyes glowed an eerie blue.

".egassem sdrawkcaB .egassem sdrawkcaB !egassem sdrawkcaB !egassem sdrawkcaB !EGASSEM SDRAWKCAB" Gideon said as everything turned black-and-white except for us as time seemingly stopped. A triangle appeared in the air, shining brightly before turning black as fire dotted the edge. An eye appeared in the middle and a maniacal laughter was heard before the triangle got arms, legs, a hat, and a tie, and turned yellow, except for the limbs, hat, and tie.

"Oh, oh, Gravity Falls, it is good to be back. Name's Bill Cipher." Bill said, floating around Gideon. "And I take it you're some kind of living ventriloquist dummy? Ha ha! I'm just kidding! I know who you are, Gideon."

"Wha-what are you? Ho-how do you know my name?!" Gideon said.

"Oh, I know lots of things. **Lots of things.** " Bill said, talking in a much deeper voice as his body flashed several different images. "Hey, look what I can do!" Bill said, sticking his hand out as a deer came un-stuck in time. Bill made a movement of his hand and all the deer's teeth came out of its mouth and into Bill's hand, who handed the teeth to Gideon. "Deer teeth. For you, kid." Bill laughed, as Gideon dropped the teeth in fright.

"You're insane!" Gideon said.

"Sure I am; what's your point?" Bill replied, making the teeth return to the deer's mouth before it scampered away.

"Listen to me, demon! I've a job for you." Gideon said suddenly. "I need you to enter the mind of Stanford Pines and steal the code to the safe!"

"Ha ha- wait. Stan Pines…" Bill said, flashing an image of Stan. "You know what, kid? You've convinced me. I'm sold." Bill said. "I'll help you with this and in return you can help me with something I've been working on. We'll work out the details later."

"Deal." Gideon said, extending his hand. Bill's hand lit up in a blue flame and they shook hands. Bill and Gideon were both enveloped entirely in the blue flame, but were unharmed, and the flame disappeared when they stopped shaking.

"Well, time to invade Stan's mind. This should be fun!" Bill said. "Remember: reality is an illusion, the universe is a hologram, buy gold, bye!" Bill said, disappearing in a flash of light.

When I opened my eyes, the color had returned to the world and it turns out that all of us there had unwittingly fallen asleep to meet Bill.

"It worked!" Gideon said, laughing.

 **~Time skip brought to you by: "Hey, there! The name's Bill Cipher. A sentient being you cannot decipher. Crack my code; I'll be here 'till you're old. Shake my hand, and we're sold. Wanna make a deal? For you, my friend! But you better pull through and keep your end. Fantastic! My fingers were crossed. No take backs, now _I'm_ the boss!"~**

Mabel, Soos and I came in the shack as Dipper was walking out the living room with a broom in hand. "Dipper! We've gotta help Stan!" Mabel said.

"Wait… what?" Dipper said.

"A floating triangle named Bill Cipher is planning to go into Stan's mind and steal the code to the safe for Gideon." I said, munching on some Cookie Chips.

"Also, we stopped for snacks on the way here." Soos said, munching on some Burrito Bites.

"Bill Cipher…? I feel like I've seen something like this before in the journal." Dipper said, going through the journal. "'Beware Bill: the most powerful and dangerous creature I've ever encountered.'" Dipper read. "'Whatever you do, never let him into your mind.'" After Dipper read this, Stan began mumbling in his sleep.

"Grunkle Stan!" Mabel said, as we all watched a shadow of Bill Cipher descend onto Stan before Stan glowed an eerie blue as his eyes opened, also glowing an eerie blue, but more intense, as Stan began twitching and moving about as Mabel took the journal from Dipper.

"'It is possible to follow the demon into a person's mind and prevent his chaos. One must simply recite this incantation.'" Mabel read.

"Ugh; this is just great." Dipper said. "I spend all day cleaning sinks and fighting bats for Stan and now I have to save him from some crazy brain demon?"

"But if we don't do anything, Gideon might steal the shack, or worse!" Mabel said as Stan continued moving around.

"Ugh; fine. Get ready, guys." Dipper said. "We're about to journey into the most horrifying, disturbing place any of us have ever been: our uncle's mind."

"You think I could take these burrito bites into Stan's brain? Thumbs-up? Thumbs-down?" Soos said. "You know what, I'm just gonna bring them."

"I'm bringing my Cookie Chips too." I said. "Anyway, let me see that. We don't need any candles or anything to do it; I'm sure." I grabbed the journal and began reading the incantation.

" _Videntus omnium. Magister mentium. Magnesium ad hominem. Magnum opus. Habeas corpus! Inceptus Nolanus overratus! Magister mentium! Magister mentium! Magister mentium!_ "

We arrived in Stan's mind in the mindscape and looked around, seeing everything in black-and-white. We approached the mindscape Mystery Shack, but it read "Pbvwhub Vkdfn" instead of "Mystery Shack", although if you use the Caesar cipher, it becomes "Mystery Shack". That wasn't the only change. The question mark on the weather vane was upside-down and the moon was an 8-ball, among other things.

"Whoa. This is Stan's mind?" Mabel said.

"Huh. Figured there'd be a lot more hot old ladies." Soos said.

"Remember everyone, we've got to look out for the triangle guy." Mabel said as we walked near the shack.

"Yeah, look out for the triangle guy!" Bill said, twirling his cane as he descended behind us, catching our attention.

"It's him! It's the guy!" Soos said.

"You leave our uncle's brain alone, you isosceles monster!" Mabel said, running at Bill with a battle cry and leaping at him, only to disappear inside of Bill. Bill took out a stopwatch out of nowhere and looked at it rather bored before putting it away back into thin air as Mabel came tumbling out of Bill and back towards us. "Gotcha!" Mabel said, before pausing. "Wait… _what_?!"

"Ah, Stan's family, we meet at last." Bill said. "Question Mark, Shooting Star, Pine Tree, Bedrock Armor, I had a hunch I might bump into you!" Bill said, shooting a laser out of his finger and through Dipper, who panicked, until Mabel stuck her arm through the hole in Dipper's chest.

While this was going on, I stood dumbfounded at how Bill knew my online nickname when I had never accessed the internet or referred to myself as Bedrock Armor ever in the Gravity Falls universe. I had never had my name of Bedrock Armor (or Bedrock_Armor) seen on my phone screen in the Gravity Falls universe once, so how did he know my online nickname?

"What do you want with our uncle's mind, anyway?" Dipper said.

"Oh, just the code to the old man's safe. Inside the shack is a maze of a thousand doors representing your uncle's memories. Behind one of them is the memory of him inputting the code." Bill said. "I just need to find it and Gideon will pay me handsomely."

"Not if we stop you!" Mabel said.

"Hah! Fat chance! I'm the master of the mind. I even know what you're thinking right now!" Bill said.

"Do exactly what am I thinking of then." I challenged as I pictured Bill singing my favorite Gravity Falls fan song 'Want To Make A Deal?' in my head.

"Nice try, Bedrock Armor. You can't get me to sing, even if the song does fit me nicely." Bill said.

"Then describe me." I said.

"Easy!" Bill said. "You're a person who is generally nice unless someone gets you mad. You give yourself less credit than most others would and have what you humans call a low self-esteem. You're a smart kid but you don't do well under pressure. You're a hopeless romantic and finding a romantic partner is your #1 goal in life, right next to becoming a video producer on a video website from your home called YouTube." Bill said.

"That's pretty good, actually." I said.

"And another thing!" Bill said. "You're the only being I know of who isn't just from another dimension, or even another universe, but an entirely different plane of existence altogether!"

"Interesting." I said.

"You're out of your league, kids. Turn around now before you see something you might regret." Bill warned. "Later, suckers!" Bill said, flying backwards into the shack, leaving a hole in the wall where he crashed through.

"We're going in." Dipper said. We went inside and saw a large room with several floating doors. There were a few main doors such as 'Fears', 'Hopes', and 'Memories'. We went inside the Memories door and already we saw several recent memories of Stan.

"Whoa, look! All of Stan's memories!" Soos said.

"Great. I'm sure there's plenty of memories of Stan bossing me around." Dipper said sarcastically. "Can't wait to see more of that."

"Come on, Dipper. We've gotta find the code before Bill does." Mabel said.

"Let's get searching!" Soos said. We went around, looking through various doors of Stan's memories. Dipper saw a memory of Stan in a Colombian prison, Soos saw a memory of Stan selling Stan Vac Vacuum Cleaners, Mabel saw a memory of Stan on a date with Lazy Susan, and I saw a memory of Stan as a teenager pulling pranks on the cops. We continued on and saw a door labeled 'Dipper Memories'.

"Look, guys. Memories about me." Dipper said.

"That doesn't seem like a good idea." Soos said.

"I just wanna know what the old guy really thinks of me." Dipper said.

"We already know how Stan feels about us; he loves us!" Mabel said. "We're great."

"Yeah. Let's just keep moving." Soos said as the others continued on and Dipper snuck off into the Dipper Memories door as I followed him.

"Okay, just a quick peek." Dipper said. Dipper walked up to a random door and opened it, looking inside.

"No buts! Now go chop that firewood already!" Stan said in the memory, hitting Dipper in the memory on the head with the newspaper as he walked off.

"Dude, Stan, I've been meaning to ask you." Soos said in the memory. "Why are you so hard on Dipper all the time?"

"Look Soos, I'm gonna let you in on something. You wanna know what I really think?" Stan said in the memory, leaning in to whisper in Soos' ear. "The kid's a loser. He's weak. He's an utter embarrassment. I just wanna get rid of him." When Dipper heard this, he began to close the door and sadly walk off before I grabbed his wrist and stopped him.

"Hey! Nathan!" Dipper said.

"You need to see the rest of the memory." I said.

"Why, so I can hear _more_ of Stan—"

"Heh, yeah, those were all things people said about me when I was a boy." Stan said in the memory, immediately catching Dipper's attention. "It was terrible. I was the biggest wimp on the playground." Stan said in the memory as a nearby door creaked open, showing a young Stan being bullied. "So one summer my pop signs me up for boxing lessons. It was even worse than the school yard." Stan said in the memory as another memory showed Stan doing poorly in boxing before turning the tables on his opponent as his father nodded approvingly.

"You know, at the time, I thought my pop was trying to torture me. But wouldn't you know it? The old man was doing me a favor all along." Stan said as yet another memory showed Stan using his boxing lessons to stop a robber from stealing a lady's purse. "So you see? That's why I'm hard on Dipper. To toughen him up." Stan said. "So when the world fights, he fights back."

"Do you think it's actually working?" Soos said in the memory as Stan in the memory gestured to Dipper in the memory delivering the successful blow to the firewood with the axe.

"He's really coming along. When push comes to shove, I'm actually proud of him." Stan said in the memory. "Just don't ever tell him that. His head's big enough as it is." Stan joked.

"Heh heh; that's true." Soos said in the memory as Dipper put his hand on the invisible barrier between the memory and the hallway, before stumbling through.

"Whoa, kid, what are you doing here?" Stan said. "Nice hole in your chest, by the way. Let's fix that up." Stan said, raising his pointer finger in the air as the hole in Dipper's chest closed itself up.

"W-what the-? How'd you do that?" Dipper asked.

"Word to the wise, kid. We're in the mind. You can do whatever you can imagine in here." Stan said, making a Pitt Cola appear out of thin air as he began drinking it.

"Well, how about that." Dipper said as I materialized a can of Diet Mountain Dew and began drinking it since seeing Stan summon a drink made me thirsty before I walked off to join the others.

 **~Time skip brought to you by: "It's funny how dumb you are."~**

"Come on, we've gotta save Stan!" Mabel said as I arrived. Dipper, meanwhile, had decided to stay behind and look at more memories of him and Stan, all the ones of which I saw were positive.

Mabel, Soos and I chased Bill in the direction he went in and when we caught up to him, he had just got out the door to the memory of the code. Mabel shot the door with a Nyarf dart and the door fell into a memory of the bottomless pit and fell in said pit as Bill frantically tried to catch it, but failed. _'This is one of the very few times you actually see Bill walking, or running in this case, with his legs instead of floating around.'_

"Ha ha! Boom!" Mabel cheered.

"The shack is safe!" Soos cheered.

"The deal's off!" Gideon said on Bill's chest-video-call.

"Wait, no, wait!" Bill said. _'This is one of the very few times you hear Bill's voice as being frantic and panicky.'_

"I'm switching to Plan B!" Gideon said, closing the call. Bill's form cracked and fell apart before disappearing, except for his eye, hat, and limbs, before his body reappeared. Now, though, he was all red, his eye was black with a white pupil, and his limbs, hat and tie were all white as he angrily looked at us.

"You! You can't even imagine what you've just cost me!" Bill said angrily as fire appeared in his hands. "Do you have any idea what I'm like **when I'm MAD?!** " Bill's eye flashed several different symbols I didn't recognize, which flashed on our bodies, and a circle of fire appeared around us before the ground rose up so we were on a platform in 'space' and Bill grew much larger.

"So I guess he gets really mad when he gets mad." Soos said.

 **"Eat nightmares!"** Bill said, his form crackling with electricity as he began shooting several lasers at us. "One nightmare coming up!" Bill said, shooting a laser.

"Nightmare? Hope he doesn't mean that British dog-man I'm always dreaming about." Soos said as the laser hit the ground and said dog-man appeared.

"'Allo, 'allo, 'allo! Who's crike for a shtick in the pudding?" The dog-man said, whacking Soos with his cane. I casually snapped my fingers behind my back and made it disappear.

"What?!" Bill said, then shot a laser at Mabel.

"Ahh! My cuteness!" Mabel said. "What did you do to **my cuteness?** " I casually snapped my fingers behind my back and the effects Bill put on Mabel disappeared.

"I think I need to just finish you off once and for all right here, right now!" Bill said, his finger zapping with electricity when Dipper came flying up.

"Hey, Bill!" Dipper said.

"WHAT?!" Bill exclaimed.

"Nice bowtie!" Dipper said, shooting lasers from his eyes through Bill's bow and disintegrating that part of Bill.

"Dipper!" Mabel said.

"Dude!" Soos said.

"Guys, Nathan and I learned that you can conjure whatever you can conceive in Grunkle Stan's mindscape!" Dipper said.

"I was the one undoing Bill's 'nightmare zaps'." I said.

"Huh?" Mabel said.

"Just think of cool fighting stuff, and it'll happen." Dipper said.

"What?! Who told you that?! Don't listen to him!" Bill said.

"I have an awesome idea." I said. "Guys, don't do anything but watch." As I said this, I used the mindscape and summoned Sans from Undertale as Megalovania began playing from nowhere and everywhere at the same time. _'Did you know I can play Megalovania on the piano? I can also play a FNAF 4 song called "I Got No Time" on the piano, too. And I'm working on learning other songs as well.'_

"hey there, buddy. you're gonna have a bad time." Sans said, when Bill's bowtie turned blue and a white box materialized around Bill as Bill was thrown down and bones came up and hit Bill and Bill's bowtie turned red while a wave of bones with a small gap in between came from the side, also hitting Bill. Then some Gaster Blasters came in from the side and blasted at Bill and made a square pattern, then an X pattern, and another square pattern, and finally a large horizontal line.

"What the heck is going on here?!" Bill said. "Why does this hurt?!"

"okay, get ready. my special attack is next." Sans said. Bill's bowtie turned blue again and Bill was slammed down and hit with a wave of bones coming from below, then again from the left, then the right, when Bill's bowtie turned red and bones came from the top and bottom for a few seconds before Bill's bowtie turned blue again as he was thrown to the left wall, then began 'falling' to the right and several bones came at him in patterns before he reached the end. Then a series of being teleported to a random wall and little time to react and get out of the way of incoming bones before a circle of Gaster Blasters began shooting beams for several seconds then he was slammed around several times.

"What the heck are you?!" Bill said.

"i'm _your_ worst nightmare, buddy. and now for my special attack: a portal out of here." Sans said. "okay, kiddos. think of a portal that can get this thing out of here." We all began imagining a portal, which began opening below Bill.

"No no no! ENOUGH!" Bill shouted as everything turned white and we all were floating around as Bill turned yellow again. "You know, I'm impressed with you guys. You're a lot more clever than you look. Especially the fat one."

"He's talking about you." Soos whispered, nudging me.

"So I'm gonna let you kids off the hook. You might come in handy later." Bill said. " **But know this:** a darkness approaches. A day will come in the future when everything you care about will change." Bill said ominously. "Until then I'll be watching you. I'll be watching you." Bill said as a wheel of symbols appeared around him and he vanished.

What really caught my eye was that there were not 10 symbols on the wheel. There were _11_. Starting at the top and going clockwise, the symbols were: a question mark, a bag of ice, the weird fish symbol on Stan's fez, a pine tree, a star, a six-fingered hand, a llama, a shooting star, a heart with stitches, a pair of glasses, _and an image of a full set of Minecraft armor that looks like it was made from Minecraft Bedrock._ _Bedrock Armor._ _**ME.**_ THAT must have been how he knew my online nickname; it was on the wheel! I was stunned to say the least.

"He's gone! We did it!" Dipper cheered as me, Soos, Dipper and Mabel began fading out. "Stan must be waking up." Dipper said.

"see ya 'round, kiddos." Sans said.

"Oh; I want to try something." I said. I began imagining a bunch of ender pearls from Minecraft appearing in my hands which appeared in my hands at the exact second we woke up in the real world. The ender pearls were in my hands when we got back. There was a bag of 64 ender pearls in my hand; each ender pearl the diameter of a half-dollar coin, or about 1.2 inches. These ender pearls could really come in handy as when you throw one, it teleports the thrower to wherever the pearl lands, with the downsides being it deals 2.5 hearts of fall damage in Minecraft, and they're one-time-only use, meaning I'd have to conserve them, since I wouldn't be able to get any more from the mindscape that I won't be able to return to.

"We did it!" Mabel said.

"What? Did what? What are you all doing here?" Stan said. "And why was I dreaming of a skeleton in a coat and pants?"

"Grunkle Stan, you're okay!" Dipper said, hugging Stan.

"What is this, a hug?" Stan said.

"Nope. It's a choke hold." Dipper said, pulling Stan into a choke hold before releasing him from it.

"Not bad, kid. Not bad." Stan said.

"I'm just glad Gideon didn't get into the safe." Mabel said. Which reminded me to try and stop Gideon from using dynamite on the safe. I rushed off to try and find Gideon, but a loud explosion told me I was too late. I got back to see Gideon standing in front of the others.

"Spoiler alert, Stanford. I've got the deed!" Gideon said, showing off his stolen deed. "The Mystery Shack belongs to me! So get off my property!" Gideon said, taking out a walkie-talkie. "Daddy? Bring it around the front."

"Sorry guys, I wasn't fast enough this time." I said.

"That's okay, Nathan." Mabel said as I sheepishly walked through the portal back home and decided to call it a day.


	20. Gideon Rises

**Chapter 20: Gideon Rises**

I swear my dreams are getting more interesting and real life is getting less interesting. This dream was kinda happy and sad at the same time. I had a cat a few years ago who got out of the house and ran away around two years ago. And in the dream, I dreamt that she came back. It got me feeling somewhat depressed when I woke up. I'm one of those people who love animals (although the geese that constantly poop in my backyard are annoying). Ask me dogs or cats; I'll say both.

Real life does still have its interesting moments too, though. On Sunday, it was 65° outside. The very next day, we got 5 inches of snow. That's weather in northern Colorado for you.

I also had a weird YouTube experience the other day. I was watching a mod showcase from PopularMMOs on my iPad when my YouTube app starts being weird; the video is playing like normal but the app won't respond. So I go to multitasking and close the YouTube app, but the audio keeps playing for another 15-20 seconds before it stops. It's not much of an experience, but it was kinda bizarre.

In any case, it was time for my next adventure in Gravity Falls. I grabbed my portal remote and opened the portal into Soos' house. I must've been early, because everyone was asleep still. As a matter of fact, I almost fell asleep myself waiting for Dipper to wake up. Almost.

Dipper suddenly sat up screaming, and panted. "I just had a horrible dream that Gideon stole the deed to the Mystery Shack and kicked us out and… we all had to move in with Soos' grandma?" Dipper said, pausing in confusion at the last bit.

"That was no dream, dude." Soos said, right next to Dipper, causing him to scream again. Those that weren't woken up by Dipper's first scream were woken up by his second scream.

Soos' grandma, Abuelita, turned on the lamp next to her. "Shh, _por favor_." Abuelita said.

"Uh, sorry, Abuelita." Dipper said.

"Oh, Soos, your grandma is so adorable!" Mabel said. "And her skin is old-lady soft." Mabel said, rubbing her hands on Abuelita's face.

"Mabel! Quit being creepy." Stan said. "The news is finally on."

 _"In a move that has all of Gravity Falls buzzing, child psychic Gideon Gleeful has taken surprise ownership of the Mystery Shack, previously belonging to area shyster Stanford Pines."_ The news reporter said as a picture of Stan in a devil costume with fire in the background appeared on-screen.

"That picture's taken out of context." Stan said.

 _"Now that you have the shack, what exactly are you planning to do with it?"_

 _"I have a big announcement to make today, and I'd like to cordially invite all the good people of Gravity Falls to join me."_ Gideon said. _"Free admission to everyone who wears their Gideon pins! It's my face."_

"I just can't believe Gideon beat us." Dipper said. "Normally, I'm able to save the day. This is all my fault."

"Don't worry, Dipper. Looks like Mabel's gonna have to be the hero of the family now!" Mabel said. "I'll defeat Gideon with my grappling hook!" Mabel said, taking out said grappling hook.

"Mabel, no offense, but that grappling hook has literally never helped us out once." Dipper said.

"Oh, yeah? Jelly grab!" Mabel said, shooting the grappling hook at a jar of jelly, shattering it and splattering jelly all over the area.

"I vacuum the walls now." Abuelita said, completely unfazed by the jelly on her as she grabbed the vacuum cleaner by the chair and began vacuuming the wall.

"Hate to break it to you, Mabel, but Dipper's right." I said, before cracking a smile. "That grappling hook hasn't exactly gotten us out of any… _sticky situations_! But don't worry! It will help us out. I am… _berry_ certain of that!"

"So you lost the shack. Look on the bright side, dudes. Now you get to live here with me, Soos!" Soos said. "Hey, anyone wanna play racecars? They're out of batteries but we can make pretend." Soos said, sitting in front of a setup of racecars in nothing but his underwear and hat before he started coughing and coughed up some food. "Would it be a new low if I ate that? Just kidding, I'm totally eating it." Soos said, eating the food he just coughed up. I recoiled in disgust at this display.

"We've gotta get the shack back." Stan said.

 **~Time skip brought to you by: Who's mean as a wasp and makes happiness end? Lil' G-I-D to the E-O-N. Glare!~**

We managed to sneak into the ceremony without raising suspicion as we waited to see what twisted plans Gideon had for the shack. Mabel liked petting her fake mustache.

"Ladies and gentlemen!" Gideon announced. "Today, I am delighted to announce my new plans for the former Mystery Shack. I give you… Gideon Land!" Dipper, Mabel, Soos and Stan gasped. "We are going to turn this dirty old shack into three square miles of Gideon-tertainment. And introducing our new mascot, Lil' Gideon Jr.! Boom! He's a pig." Bud Gleeful revealed Waddles in a Gideon costume.

"Waddles! You monster!" Mabel yelled.

"Alright, that's it!" Stan said. We ditched our disguises and plowed our way to the stage. Mabel kicked over a cardboard cutout of Gideon for good measure. "Listen up, people! Gideon's a fraud!" Stan said. "This kid broke in and stole my property!"

"Arrest him, officers!" Mabel said.

"Yeah!" Dipper and I agreed.

"Such accusations! Mr. Pines, I recall you gave the property to me!" Gideon said. "Look! Here's the deed right here."

"You broke in and _stole_ that deed, you little maggot! We saw it with our own eyes!" I said. "And get your own mascot! Waddles is not your pig!" I grabbed Waddles and tore off the Gideon costume. Some burly men came up and grabbed Dipper, Mabel, and Stan. I evaded their grasp for a while, but my low stamina and the extra 15 pounds I was carrying led to me getting caught anyway. I made sure to keep a tight hold on Waddles though.

"Now get off my property, old man." Gideon said, putting a pin on Stan's shirt.

"I'll show you who's the old—" Stan said, before his hearing aid screeched. "Ah! My hearing aid!"

"Thanks for visiting Gideon Land, friends!" Gideon said as the guards hauled us away. "Don't come back, I don't care for y'all." The escorts put us back behind the fence and left.

"Waddles!" Mabel said, cuddling Waddles after I set him down and the two reunited. "You saved him for me." Mabel said, giving me a hug.

"Yeah, I guess I really… saved his _bacon_!" I said. Dipper chuckled and Mabel playfully punched me while smiling.

"Don't worry, guys. We'll get the shack back somehow." Dipper said.

"We better." Wendy said, walking up to us.

"Wendy!" Dipper said.

"If I can't work at the shack, my dad's gonna force me to work up-state at my cousin's logging camp." Wendy said.

"What?! You're leaving town?!" Dipper exclaimed. "But we need you here!"

"Yeah, especially Dipper because of his giant crush on…" Soos said, before Dipper sent him a glare. "You… -calyptus trees! The kid loves eucalyptus trees!" Soos said, laughing somewhat nervously. "Saved it!" I mentally face-palmed.

The tension was broken by some music. "Oh man, guys. Don't look now." Wendy said.

"Take me back, Wendy!" Robbie said, coming out from behind a tree holding a boom box. "My arms are too skinny to keep holding this boom-box forever!"

"I was never here." Wendy said, putting on her helmet and riding off on her bike.

"Have you been getting my texts? Do I need to send you more texts?" Robbie said, running after Wendy. "Wendy!"

"In all seriousness though Mabel, if I hadn't saved Waddles from Gideon, then Gideon would not have treated him nicely." I said.

 **~Time skip brought to you by: puns! I love puns, but my brother hates them. They can be pretty… _pun_ ny though!~**

The majority of the remaining day was quite uneventful. Soos and Mabel were 'playing' with the race cars that were out of batteries, and I cracked an occasional pun to lighten the mood.

"Go red car!" Mabel said.

"Go other red car!" Soos said.

"This would be a lot more fun with batteries." Dipper said. Stan came up to us and cleared his throat, looking like he didn't want to say what was about to come next.

"Kids… we've gotta talk." Stan said. "Look, I've been thinking, and… I can't take care of you anymore. I don't have a house or a job. The plan is, you're going home. The bus leaves tomorrow. Here are your tickets." Stan said, pulling out a couple of bus tickets.

"Grunkle Stan, you can't give up!" Dipper said.

"Yeah, dude. Look at these faces!" Soos said. "Be cuter, Mabel. Your summer depends on it!"

"Look, I lost, okay? The best thing is for you to be with your parents." Stan said. "Sorry, kids. Gideon won. Summer's over." Stan placed the tickets on the table and walked outside.

"Mr. Pines, come back! We can share!" Soos said, running after Stan.

"Mabel, Nathan, that's enough!" Dipper said. "If Stan won't get our home back from Gideon, then we'll have to do it ourselves!"

"Gideon may have the upper hand, but we have one thing he doesn't." Mabel said. "A grappling hook!"

"The journal!"

"Oh, the journal." Mabel said. "Journal!"

"Well, it is true that Gideon doesn't have a grappling hook." I said. "It is also true that Gideon doesn't have Journal 3 either. Now let's get to it."

Dipper, Mabel and I headed towards the shack and hid in a bush by the fence as Dipper took out the journal. "Alright. The bus to take us out of Gravity Falls comes at sundown." Dipper said. "If we wanna stay in town, we've gotta get past those guards, make it through the fence, and get Gideon to hand over that deed."

"Leave that to Mabel. Pa-chow!" Mabel said, taking out her grappling hook and shooting it randomly. It bounced off a tree and would've hit Dipper if I hadn't shoved him down to the ground. It landed on the ground nearby and Dipper grabbed it.

"Now will you admit the grappling hook is useless?" Dipper said. The cable retracted and the hook went back to the barrel.

"Nope!" Mabel said.

"Okay. What can we use to defeat Gideon?" Dipper said, going through the journal. "Let's see… barf fairy?"

"Yeah!" Mabel said.

"Nope." Dipper said, turning the page. "Butternut squash with a human face and emotions?"

"Yeah!" Mabel said.

"Nope." Dipper said, turning the page.

"Whoa, what's this?" Mabel said, looking at the portal page.

"I've stared at this page for hours." Dipper said. "It seems like a blueprint to build some kind of strange futuristic super-weap—"

"Boring!" Mabel said. "To defeat those guards, we need some kind of army."

"Wait a minute, an army!" Dipper said. "Mabel, that's it! The gnomes!"

"Uh…" Mabel said hesitantly.

"It might be our only chance." Dipper said.

"Well… okay, I guess." Mabel said as we headed off towards the place where the gnomes live.

"I think this is their hiding spot." Dipper said after we had walked for a while.

"I wonder what gnomes do out here all alone in the forest." Mabel said when we came upon Jeff the gnome taking a 'squirrel bath'.

"Ah!" Jeff said, noticing us. "This… this is normal. This is normal for gnomes. Scrub, scrub." Dipper and Mabel exchanged looks.

"You're nuts." I said.

"Hey, I just said this is normal!" Jeff said.

"No, I mean you are _nuts_." I said. "Because squirrels love nuts."

"Oh, I see what you did there." Jeff said. "That was actually pretty clever."

"Thanks." I said.

"Anyway… where was I?" Jeff said. "Oh yeah. Well, well, well. Look who came crawling back. Take five, Chris." Jeff said, as one of the squirrels jumped out. "You guys keep doing what you're doing. So, change your mind about marrying me, did you Mabel?" Jeff said as a squirrel peeked out from under Jeff's gnome cap.

"Ew! Hardly! We need your help." Mabel said. "And seriously, ew!"

"You want our help?! After you left me at the altar?! No dice!" Jeff said.

"What if we were able to get you a new queen?" Mabel said. "One even more beautiful than me?"

"Her name's Gideon, and she has lovely white hair." Dipper said.

"Whoa. Mature woman, huh?" Jeff said. "Hey, Shmebulock! Get my cologne!"

"Shmebulock!" Shmebulock said, holding a bottle of cologne.

"Is 'Shmebulock' all you can say?" Jeff asked.

"Shmebulock." Shmebulock said, nodding his head sadly.

"It's a deal!" Jeff said, shaking Dipper's hand.

 **~Time skip brought to you by: We have _gnome_ time to lose!~**

Dipper, Mabel and I were at the fence at the former shack waiting for Gideon when he arrived with two burly guards with him.

"Give us back the deed to the shack, Gideon, or else!" Dipper said.

"Am I supposed to say 'or else what'?" Gideon said.

"Yes you are supposed to say that! NOW!" Mabel said as the gnomes began their attack. Within seconds, Gideon was completely surrounded by gnomes prepared to attack.

"You're surrounded by an unstoppable gnome army." Dipper said. "Now give us back our deed and get off our property!"

"And let the marriage ceremony begin!" Jeff said.

"Very well." Gideon sighed, reaching in his suit. "I suppose this deed belongs to-" Gideon cut himself off as he pulled out a whistle and blew in it, causing the gnomes to cover their ears in pain. "Huh. What do you know? It works on gnomes, too." Gideon said, blowing into the whistle again. I secretly made sure my portal remote was secure in my pocket so it wouldn't fall out.

"Stop! We'll do anything!" Jeff said. "How can we serve you, your majesty, the most beautiful girl we've ever seen?"

"I am not a girl!" Gideon yelled.

"Really?" Jeff said. "But your skin is so soft. Do you moisturize, or…?"

"Subdue them!" Gideon said, pointing at us as the gnomes came and held us down. "I have to admit, kids. I am impressed by your creativity." Gideon said. Dipper kept struggling and in doing so, the journal fell out of his vest. "No! Could it be? Is it-?" Gideon gasped, picking up the journal Dipper dropped and going through it. "Of course! It all makes sense! The one place I'd never think to look; you had it the whole time!" Gideon said. "And to think I actually considered you a threat."

"No! Give it back!" Dipper said, struggling against the gnomes.

"Every victory you had was because of your precious book." Gideon continued.

"Give it back, or I'll—" Dipper said.

"Or you'll what, boy? You'll what? Huh? Huh?!" Gideon taunted. "No muscles, no brains… face it! You're nothing without this!" Gideon said, pointing at the stolen journal. "Bye bye forever, y'all." Gideon said, blowing into the whistle and making the gnomes carry us away. After the gnomes got a short distance away, they dropped us and scampered back to their hiding spot.

"Next time, do your own dirty work!" Jeff said. "Come on, boys." Jeff said, as some squirrels hopped into his pants.

"Well, that's it. Guess the bus should be here soon." Dipper said.

"What? Dipper, don't give up!" Mabel said. "You always have a plan."

"No, the journal always has the plan!" Dipper said. "Think about it, Mabel. Gideon was right. The only courageous or cool things I've ever done have been because of that journal." Dipper said. "Without it, I can't help you, or Stan, or anyone."

"There's gotta be something we can do." Mabel said.

"What can we do?" Dipper said.

"I say we get on that bus and wait for Gideon to screw up a would-be victory by chasing after us." I said.

"Wait a minute, wait a minute." Dipper said. "You _knew_ this was going to happen, Nathan, but you didn't do anything to stop it?!"

"I have a good reason for that." I said. "In thinking about it, the events of this 'episode' are fragile; anything I did could have side effects that are unintended. I'll explain later on."

"Okay, I trust you." Dipper said.

 **~Time skip brought to you by: Lil' Gideon; Child Psycho- I mean Psychic!~**

The bus ride was completely uneventful for the most part, until Gideon arrived.

"Giant robot!" Dipper said.

"Wait, what?!" Mabel said.

"Look!" Dipper said, pointing out the back window of the bus as the Gideon-bot came out onto the road.

"Halt! I demand you to halt!" Gideon said, chasing after us in the robot as the twins screamed.

"Mister bus driver, there's a giant Gideon-bot coming towards us!" Mabel said. The bus driver turned around, revealing it was Soos.

"Oh, hey dudes." Soos said.

"Soos!"

"Don't worry, guys. I've been a part-time bus driver for at least 40 minutes." Soos said, pulling some levers near him. "One of these things is probably a clutch." Soos pulled the clutch and the bus sped up. "Hang on, dudes!"

The Gideon-bot reached for the bus, trying to grab it, but Soos swerved out of the way in time.

"Look out, Soos!" Mabel said, pointing ahead, to where a robotic hand blocked the road. Soos swerved out of the way and drove up a hill, crashing through a 'Road Closed' sign. The Gideon-bot was still at the base of the large hill, but it climbed its way up after us.

"What does he want from us?!" Dipper said, looking back, before turning ahead again. "Soos! Cliff!" Dipper warned, as Soos slammed on the brakes to avoid plummeting down the cliff we were rapidly approaching. We stopped precariously on the edge of the cliff, to where the back tires were on air, meaning Soos couldn't drive anywhere as the Gideon-bot approached.

The robot grabbed the bus and shook it until the roof came off as the twins dragged me with them onto the tracks below, just avoiding Gideon's sight, and we headed for the tunnel, until the twins saw it was a dead end as the Gideon-bot jumped down onto the tracks, making us lose our balance. Luckily, none of us fell off.

"Tell me! Where is Journal #1?!" Gideon demanded.

"Journal #1?" Dipper and Mabel said.

"Don't play games with me, boy!" Gideon said, backing us up by the dead end tunnel and punching the cliff side above. A bunch of rocks came falling down. One almost crushed Mabel to death until Dipper pulled her out of the way of a rock as big as her with less than an inch to spare.

"I don't know what you're talking about! You took the only journal I ever had!" Dipper said. "What do you even want with these journals, anyway?" The Gideon-bot grabbed me and Dipper in one hand and Mabel in the other and picked us up so we were face-to-face with the robot. Mabel was struggling against Gideon's grasp, and Dipper pounded on the hand. "Let go of her!" Dipper said.

"Ha ha ha! You still think you're some kind of hero?" Gideon said, tossing me and Dipper aside. We slid on the ground; my head hitting the rock that Dipper's head would've hit—with Dipper landing right on top of me. I didn't get a bloody nose like Dipper did, but my head hurt a lot more than it might've hurt Dipper if his head hit the rock.

"Once I find the final journal, I'll rule this town! With you as my queen!" Gideon said, talking to Mabel.

"Dipper! Nathan! Help me! Help!" Mabel yelled.

"Come on Dipper, let's go save your sister! To heck with what Gideon says about you!" I said. Dipper and I ran and jumped off the cliff as fast as possible, and Gideon turned his head to us as we crashed through the eye, knocking Gideon down, and resulting in the robot falling down too.

"Let go of my sister!" Dipper said, punching Gideon.

"Never! I finally won this time!" Gideon said, punching Dipper back. The next few seconds were a blur, but it ended with Dipper catching a punch Gideon was throwing, and using his fist to punch Gideon's face, resulting in the robot punching its own face. I grabbed Dipper and Gideon and ran to the eye, using Gideon's fist to deal one more punch to his head and the robot by extension, and jumped out the head with Dipper, and grabbed Mabel and managed to get the twins onto the safety of the tracks.

I, however, wasn't so lucky, as I ended up falling with the robot. I could faintly hear the twins' cry of fear over me as I fell. _'Is this how I die…?'_ A fall from this height would definitely kill me. I heard a war cry getting gradually louder, and I opened my eyes to see Dipper and Mabel diving for me, grappling hook in Mabel's hand. She grabbed on to me and Dipper and shot her grappling hook up, catching the hook on the rails above as we safely descended onto the ground. As all this happened, the Gideon-bot exploded on the ground in a brilliant flash of light.

"Grappling hook!" Mabel cheered. "Told you it would come in handy."

"Mabel, that was amazing!" Dipper said.

"Yeah! You saved my _life_!" I said. "Gideon's about to take quite a _fall_ , too."

"Hey! My journal!" Dipper said, picking up the journal from on the ground, when several cars approached and everyone came out to see what all the commotion was about while Gideon climbed out of the eye hole.

"Gideon! Oh, good heavens!" Durland said. "What on earth happened here?"

"It was the Pines twins and Nathan! They tried to attack me and blew up my statue with dynamite!" Gideon said. "Arrest them!"

"What?!" Dipper and Mabel said.

"Officers, he's lying!" Dipper said.

"Sorry kids, but we trust Gideon." Blubs said. "And nothing short of a miracle could ever change our—" Stan screaming as he drove up in his car interrupted the officer as he haphazardly drove up in his car, crashing into a police car and tipping it over as I laughed.

"Wait wait, stop everything! I've got something to say!" Stan said.

"Not this guy again." Blubs said.

" _Smashing_ entrance there, Stan!" I said.

"Just wait! Look!" Stan said. "You guys all think Gideon is _soo_ perfect and honest. 'Oh, I could never tell a lie! I'm Gideon!'"

"He's more honest than you." Blubs countered.

"Yeah! And he's psychic, too!" Durland said.

"How's _this_ for psychic? Bam!" Stan said, kicking the metal on the Gideon-bot, which fell over, revealing a hidden surveillance room. "Take a good look!"

"Wait a minute! Is that _me_?!" Lazy Susan said, using her fingers to open her other eye. Everyone else saw themselves on the cameras somewhere all exclaiming 'That's me!' each time they spotted themselves.

"That's right. These pins are hidden cameras, and my hearing aid was picking up the feedback!" Stan said, moving one of the pins around, showing the stunned crowd on one of the monitors. "Who's the fraud now?" Everyone threw their pins on the ground and looked angrily at Gideon.

"We've got you _pinned_ this time, Gideon!" I said.

"Gideon, we gave you our trust." Durland said.

"You LIED to us!" Manly Dan said.

"Please, I- it's not what it looks like!" Gideon panicked. "W-what are you gonna do with me?"

"Tyler?" Durland said.

"Get 'im. Get 'im." Tyler said, wiping away some tears.

"Lil' Gideon, you are under arrest for conspiracy, fraud… and breaking our hearts." Blubs said. "Durland. The tiny handcuffs." Durland pulled out a small pair of handcuffs and put them on Gideon.

"Wha-?! No!" Gideon said, as the officers led him to the car and Stan opened the door.

"Just one more thing." Stan said, grabbing Gideon and shaking him as a bunch of stuff fell out, including the deed to the Mystery Shack, which Stan grabbed. I also noticed Stan discretely grab Journal #2 along with the deed to the shack and hiding it. "I believe this belongs to me." Stan said, as cameras flashed several pictures of Stan.

"No! No! Watch the hair! You can't do this to me! Y'all are sheep! You need me! I'll be back! You'll hear from my lawyers!" Gideon yelled as the cops drove off.

"There you have it. Local hero Stanford Pines has just exposed Lil' Gideon as a fraud." Shandra Jimenez said, talking into a microphone while facing cameras as the twins, Stan and I stood next to her. "Anything you have to say to the town, Stanford?"

"The Mystery Shack is back, baby!" Stan said.

"Gideon called us all sheep, huh? _Wool_ remember that." I said as I turned to the twins. "You know, even if Gideon was a banana, nobody would find him very ap- _peel_ -ing after this." I said as the twins burst out laughing. "Today sure was _egg_ -citing. Now Gideon's headed to jail and this will _leaf_ us better off than before. _Lettuce_ head back to the shack and _taco_ -bout this. Meanwhile, Gideon's just gonna have to _dill_ with being locked up for quite some _lime_." I kept making puns and the twins kept laughing. "Do my jokes _pickle_ your funny bone? They are pretty _pun_ -tastic!"

 **~Time skip brought to you by: Lil' Gideon; Child Psychic- I mean Psycho!~**

The twins were settling back into their room in the attic as Stan walked in.

"Hey, Grunkle Stan!" Mabel said.

"Uh… you kiddos settling back in okay?" Stan asked.

"Yup!" Mabel said. "All my favorite moldy spots on the ceiling are still there! Even you… Darryl."

"Hey, Grunkle Stan? Me, Mabel and Nathan have been talking, and… I think there's something we should finally tell you." Dipper said, showing Stan Journal 3. "This is a journal I found in the woods. It talks about all the crazy stuff that goes on in Gravity Falls. Gideon nearly destroyed the whole town trying to find it. I don't know what it means, or who wrote it, but after all we've been through, maybe you should finally know about it." Dipper explained.

"I'm glad you showed me this, Dipper." Stan said, before he burst out laughing. "Now I know where you've been gettin' it all from! Spookums and monsters. This goofy book has been filling you with crazy conspiracies!"

"But it's all real!" Dipper said.

"Ha ha! You've gotta quit reading this fantasy nonsense, for your own good." Stan said. "Although some of these would make great attractions. Can't come up with this stuff! Mind if I borrow this?" Stan said, leaving the room with the journal.

"Wait! No! Grunkle Stan!" Dipper said.

"Magic book! Ha ha!" Stan laughed, walking downstairs. "Ridiculous!"

"Stan, I need it!" Dipper said.

"Dipper, you don't need that book!" Mabel said. "Don't you see? On your own, you defeated a giant robot with nothing but your bare hands! Well, I guess Nathan helped too, but that's besides the point. The point is, you're a hero whether you've got that journal or not."

"Whoa. Thanks, Mabel." Dipper said. "I still want it back, though."

"I'm sure you'll get it back." Mabel said. "What would a boring old man like Stan want with that book anyway?" Right after Mabel said this, Dipper and Mabel were squirted with water guns as Soos appeared out of a box.

"Soos!" Soos said, as Dipper and Mabel chased Soos around as they played together. I opened up the portal back home and decided to relax for a bit.


	21. Scary-oke

**Chapter 21: Scary-oke**

Season one is over. It's time to go on adventures in season two.

Interestingly enough, I actually had a dream the other night that there was a third season in production. It followed the twins back home in California, and the weirdness from Gravity Falls followed them home, with season three episode one starting off with the twins getting off of the bus that took them back from Gravity Falls.

I'm pretty sure many other fans of Gravity Falls would love to have that dream.

Seasons aside, I grabbed my portal remote and stepped through the portal, only to immediately feel a hand grab my wrist.

"Nathan! You're just in time." Dipper said, dragging me out to the gift shop of the Mystery Shack the second I stepped through the portal.

"Welcome to the grand reopening of the Mystery Shack!" Stan said as the crowd cheered. "We're here to celebrate the defeat of that skunk Lil' Gideon." Stan said, pulling up a plushy of the kid.

"Boo!"

"Please, please." Stan said. "Boo harder."

"BOO!"

"But I didn't catch that pork chop all alone." Stan said. "These three scamps deserve _some_ of the glory." Stan said as Mabel elbowed him. "Okay, okay. Most of the glory."

"Smile for the camera." Toby said, holding up a 'camera'.

"Your camera's a cinder block, Toby." Stan said.

"I just want to be a part of things." Toby said.

"Smile for a real camera." Shandra Jimenez said, holding an actual camera.

"Everyone say 'something stupid'." Mabel said.

"Something stupid!" We all said as the camera flashed.

"And don't forget to come to the after-party tonight at eight." Stan said.

"We're doing a karaoke bonanza, people!" Mabel said. "Lights! Music! Enchantment!" Mabel said, blowing a handful of confetti out. "And an amazing karaoke performance by our family band, 'Love Patrol Alpha'!" Mabel pulled out a drawing of the four of us singing in shiny suits.

"Oh, I don't know…" Dipper said.

"I would never agree to that ever." Stan said.

"Only if I can pick some of the songs." I said.

"I suppose we could do that, Nathan." Mabel said. "And I already put your names on the list. It's happening."

"Buy a ticket, people!" Wendy said, barging in while blowing an air horn. "You know you don't have anything else going on in your lives." The crowd followed Wendy outside as we got down from the makeshift stage.

"The town loves us, we've finally got that Gideon smell out of the carpet; everything is finally going my way!" Stan said.

"Hey, Grunkle Stan?" Dipper said. "Now that we have a moment, I've been meaning to ask you for my journal back."

"Wha-? Journal? Oh! Ha ha. You mean this old thing." Stan said, patting himself before pulling the journal out from under the counter. "It was so boring I couldn't even finish it." Stan said, handing Dipper the journal.

"Wait, you're just gonna give it to me?" Dipper said. "Just like that?"

"What else do you want, a kiss on the cheek?" Stan said.

"I- I gotta go!" Dipper said, dragging me and Mabel with him up to the attic. Dipper closed and locked the door, pulled a tarp over the window, turned Mabel's stuffed animals so they were facing the wall, and turned on a lamp.

"Mabel, Nathan, we've gotta talk." Dipper said. "Almost losing my journal made me realize that I'm halfway through the summer, and still no closer to figuring out the big mysteries of Gravity Falls."

"Sound familiar?" I said.

"What do you mean?" Dipper asked.

"Remember that song I sung during the adventure in the haunted convenience store?" I said.

"Yeah, what about it?" Dipper asked.

"Well, the first line goes like this: _'Summer's almost gone and I don't feel any closer to unraveling all these mysteries.'_ " I sang. "Sound familiar now?"

"Um… yeah, actually." Dipper said. "Is that a song from your dimension?"

"Yup." I said.

"Well, anyway, Gideon almost destroyed the town to get his hands on this journal. But why?" Dipper said. "Who wrote it? Where are all the other journals? What was Bill talking about when he said everything was going to change? There's something huge going on right under our noses, and it's time we stop goofing around and get to the bottom of it."

"Bro, you've looked at that thing, like, a bazillion times." Mabel said. "There's nothing left to discover. Half the pages are blank, remember?"

"I just feel like I'm one puzzle piece away from figuring out everything." Dipper said.

"Don't worry, Dipper. Lord mystery ham is on the case!" Mabel said, picking up Waddles. "'I play by me own rules, what what.'"

"I don't know why I tell you things." Dipper said. "Do you hear that?"

We went downstairs and saw Grunkle Stan closing down the shop.

"Grunkle Stan, what's happening?" Mabel asked.

"Yeah, you never shut down the gift shop." Dipper said. Stan didn't answer as he paced back and forth nervously while Soos and Wendy looked on, also nervous when the doorbell rang and a knock was heard. Stan walked over to the door and opened it, greeting the government agents there.

"Welcome to the Mystery Shack, gentlemen! What can I get you? Keychains? Snow globes? These rare photos of American presidents?" Stan said, showing a dollar bill as the 'rare photo of an American president'.

"My name is Agent Powers; this is Agent Trigger. We're here to investigate reports of mysterious activity in this town." Powers said.

"Activity." Trigger said.

"Mysterious activity? In the Mystery Shack?" Stan said. "You gotta be joking."

"I assure you I am not." Powers said. "I was born with a rare disorder that makes me physically incapable of experiencing humor."

"I guess he'd win at all of the 'try not to laugh or smile' challenges first try then." I said, nudging Dipper, as Dipper and Mabel chuckled under their breath behind their hands.

"Now if you'll excuse us, we're conducting an investigation." Powers said, pushing past Stan.

"Investigation." Trigger said. I saw Dipper grow a smile of realization out of the corner of my eye.

"Wait, wait! Did you guys say you're investigating the mysteries of this town?" Dipper said.

"That information is classified… but yes." Powers said. "Look, between you and me, I believe there's a conspiracy of paranormal origin all connected to this town. We're just one small lead away from blowing the lid off this entire mystery."

"Are you kidding me?! I'm investigating the exact same thing!" Dipper exclaimed. "I-I found this journal in the woods which has almost all the answers. If we work together, we could crack the case!" Dipper said.

As this was going on, Mabel and I stood by watching. "They're not very good agents if they let a 12-year-old they just met in on a matter of national security." I said quietly as Mabel laughed. _'No offense to Dipper or anything, but those agents really did just meet him and they have no idea who he is.'_

"If you have evidence of these claims, we should talk." Powers said, handing Dipper his card.

"We could talk right now! Please, please, c-come in! I have so much to show you!" Dipper said.

"Ha ha ha; I'm sorry, agents!" Stan said. "Kid has an overactive imagination. And like, a sweating problem."

"Ha ha; zing!" Mabel said.

"Paranormal town stuff is just part of gift shop lore. Sells more tickets, you know." Stan said, snapping his fingers as Soos decked out the agents with merchandise from the Mystery Shack.

"We have other spots to investigate. We'll be on our way." Powers said, as the agents left.

"I'm confiscating this for evidence." Triggers said, grabbing a handful of Stan bobble heads.

"Wait! No, wait! We have so much to talk about!" Dipper said.

"Hold it, kiddo." Stan said. "Trust me. The last thing you want around during a party is the cops." Stan said, leaning against the vending machine, which closed the door to it. "I'm confiscating that card. Now how's about you go be a normal kid? Flirt with a girl, or steal a pie off a windowsill."

"Wait, Grunkle Stan, you don't understand!" Dipper said.

"And don't go talking to those agents." Stan said, leaving the room.

"Ugh. That could've been my big break." Dipper said.

"Bro, maybe Grunkle Stan is right." Mabel said. "We're throwing a party tonight! Can't you go one night without searching for aliens or raising the dead or whatever?"

"I'm not gonna raise the dead. I just need a chance to show those agents my book." Dipper said. _'This is ironic because Dipper ends up doing just that.'_

"Trust me, Dipper. The only book you'll need tonight is right here." Mabel said, holding up a book of karaoke songs. "I say 'Kara-', you say '-oke'. Kara-…. Kara-…. Kara-…. I could do this all day."

 **~Time skip brought to you by: What Stan secretly does in the basement!~**

Grunkle Stan had tasked me, Dipper, and Wendy with hanging up some special black light posters, and Wendy decided to mess around a bit.

"Check it out! These black lights make my teeth look scary." Wendy said, turning on the black light as the poster lit up and her teeth did indeed look a bit creepy from the light. "It's like a crime scene in my mouth. Come on. You love it."

"It's not fair." Dipper sighed. "Finally I meet someone who can help me solve the mysteries of this town, and Stan confiscates their card." Dipper said, stapling a poster to the wall.

"Dude. I probably shouldn't be telling you this, but I'm pretty sure Stan hides, like, everything in his room." Wendy said.

"If I go into Stan's room, I could get in so much trouble." Dipper said.

"Yeah, you're probably right." Wendy said. "That's what makes it fun, dummy." Wendy said, putting a party hat on top of Dipper's other hat as Dipper smiled. While Dipper and Wendy went to Stan's room, I decided to have a little fun before the zombies came and walked over to the table Soos was setting up some piñatas shaped like Grunkle Stan's head.

"Man, I can't wait to smash these Stañatas." Soos said when Grenda came in and did just that, smashing the piñatas, and the table they were on.

"Smash! Grenda has entered the party!" Grenda said.

"Stan's brains look delicious!" Candy said, picking up the candy from the ground.

"Girls!" Mabel said, joining her friends.

"Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh, Mabel! Is that a boom-box sweater?" Grenda said, pointing at Mabel's sweater.

"See for yourself!" Mabel said.

"Oh! Oh! Can I push it?" I asked.

"Sure!" Mabel said.

"Touch." I said, poking Mabel's sweater as the boom-box on it lit up and played music. Mabel, Candy and Grenda began dancing to the music as I wandered around some more.

 **~Time skip brought to you by: music!~**

"What do you say, guys, is this party legendary?" Mabel said. "When I say 'Mabel' you say 'Pines'! Mabel!"

"Aah!" A lady screamed as the ground began shaking.

"Mabel!" Mabel said.

"We're all gonna die!"

"Why does that never work?" Mabel said, before noticing that the ground was shaking.

"Oh, I think it's an earthquake!" Wendy said, blowing her air horn. "Hey, everybody! We've gotta get out of here!" Wendy said as the crowd fled. After the crowd left, Dipper came running around the corner of the shack.

"Dipper, what's the one thing I asked you not to do tonight?" Mabel said.

"Raise the dead." Dipper said.

"And what did you do?" Mabel said.

"Raise the dead…" Dipper said, when the zombies behind Dipper growled, catching our attention.

"Get back, dudes. This is about to get intense." Soos said as zombies knocked over the punch table. Soos and the twins screamed in fear at the approaching zombies before Soos took a picture. "You gotta admit this is pretty cool." Soos said.

"Zombies!" Dipper said.

"Don't panic! Maybe they're just a really ugly flash mob." Mabel said when a zombie attacked us and we ran for a bit.

"Dudes, stay calm. I've been training for this moment my whole life." Soos said, standing in front of us. "With all the horror movies I've seen, I know literally everything there is to know about how to avoid zombies." Immediately after, a zombie bit Soos on the shoulder. Soos' skin turned very pale and his eyes began glowing slightly as the pupils disappeared. "On second thought, gonna flip the script. Can I eat your brains?" Soos said. "Yay or nay? Seeing some yay faces over here…"

Me, the twins, and Waddles fled; Mabel was about to take the karaoke machine too but I told her to leave it. A zombie blocked our path but Dipper cut it in half with a shovel that was resting on the side of the shack that he picked up.

"Quick! The golf cart!" Dipper said, pointing to the golf cart, which was almost immediately attacked by more zombies. "Aw, come on!"

"That's a bummer. Good news for me, though." Soos said.

"Soos!" Dipper said.

"Sorry, dude. I just really want those brains." Soos said.

"Stay back!" Dipper said, hitting a disco ball with the shovel like a baseball and bat. It flew towards the zombies and into one of the zombie's mouths and it swallowed it, before lighting up the zombie.

"Give it up, dudes. Your fighting only makes us look more rad." Soos said.

"What do we do?" Mabel said. "Where's Grunkle Stan?"

"How's he supposed to help? He doesn't even believe in the supernatural." Dipper said. More zombies came at us and we ran from them when another zombie blocked our path. I suddenly remembered that Mabel's karaoke machine would've defeated it and I regretted telling her to leave it behind. I decided I'd kick it, but it grabbed my leg and bit me. It was painful as heck.

"Oh no!" Mabel said.

"Nathan!" Dipper said.

I was a zombie now. I was still _me_ , with the exception of pale skin and a sudden very strong urge to eat brains. Unlike Soos, however, I did everything I could to resist that urge.

"Don't worry, I'm still me, guys. I can fight the urge to be a zombie." I said. "You're like family to me; I'm not going to eat your brains." The twins were hesitant, but when I punched the zombie that bit me, they decided to believe me. We went into the shack.

"We need to board up all the windows!" Dipper said, closing the door to the shack as we went in. We put a bunch of stuff in front of the doors so the zombies couldn't get through. "Okay, maybe that'll hold them." Dipper said, when the window broke.

"Hey, dudes!" Soos said. "By the way, I taught the zombies how to get to the fuse box. Among these dudes, I'm like a genius." As Soos said this, the lights went out. "Get those brains, dawg." Soos said.

"No!" I said, rushing to the window to try and block the zombies. Since I was a zombie, they didn't attack me; just struggle to try and get past me. Then another zombie punched through the door. "Oh, come on." I decided to just stand with the twins.

"Dipper, isn't there something in the journal about defeating zombies?" Mabel asked.

"No! There's nothing in here about weaknesses!" Dipper said. "Oh, this can't be happening. I wanted answers so bad, I put everyone in danger. Now we're toast, it's all my fault, and no one can save us!" A zombie grabbed Dipper's arm and Dipper struggled against it. "Ah! Ah! No! Mabel I'm sorry!" Dipper said as the zombie picked up Dipper by the arm.

"Dipper!" Mabel said. Dipper kept screaming until I punched the zombie in the guts, causing it to release Dipper as Stan came in and hit it with a baseball bat as the zombie fell on the floor, then Stan crushed its head with his foot.

"You two! Attic! Now!" Stan said.

"Grunkle Stan?" Dipper said.

"I said NOW!" Stan said as the twins and Waddles fled. "Alright you undead jerks, you ready to die twice?!" Stan said, fighting the zombies as I helped by punching another zombie. "Nathan?! But you're—"

"A zombie, I know." I said. "It's not impossible to resist the urges to eat someone's brains when you're a zombie. Plus, there's a page in the journal about curing zombification." I said as Stan and I continued to fight off the zombies.

"The only wrinkly monster who harasses my family is me!" Stan said, hitting another zombie with the baseball bat. "Take that! And that! Eat it, no-eyes!" Stan and I kept fighting the zombies, but they backed us up, and as Stan attacked another zombie with the bat, the zombie grabbed and broke the bat before Stan punched it with his brass knuckles. "Anyone else want a piece?!" Stan said, fighting the zombies some more as I continued fighting them as well. We went up the stairs and Stan pushed the grandfather clock down the stairs, stopping the zombies. Stan and I arrived at the attic right as the twins closed the door. Grunkle Stan got the door open and we went inside.

"Oh, ow. Everything hurts." Stan said.

"Grunkle Stan, that was amazing! Are you alright?" Dipper said as Stan closed the door. "Heh heh; well, at least you can't deny magic exists anymore, right?" Dipper said.

"Kid, I've always known." Stan said.

"Wait, what are you talking about?" Dipper said.

"I'm not an idiot, Dipper. Of course this town is weird! And the one thing I know about that weirdness is that it's dangerous." Stan said as a zombie's arms broke through the door. "I've been lying about it to try to keep you away from it; to try to protect you from it!" Stan said, as he punched back a zombie that broke through the window. "Looks like I didn't lie well enough."

"What do we do; what do we do?!" Mabel said.

"Well, normally the journal would help us, but there's nothing in there about defeating zombies. It's hopeless!" Dipper said, showing a random page of the journal to us. The black light on the floor though lit up some invisible ink on the page.

"Wait wait wait, the text! It's glowing in the black light!" Mabel said.

"What?!" Dipper said, putting the journal on the floor. "All this time I thought I knew the journal's secrets. But they're written in some kind of invisible ink!"

"Invisible ink." Stan said.

"This is it! 'Zombies have a weakness. Previously thought to be invincible, their skulls can be shattered by a perfect three-part harmony.'" Dipper read. "Three-part harmony? How can we create that? …I have a naturally high-pitched scream."

"I _used_ to, until my voice changed." I said.

"I can make noises with my body. Sometimes intentionally." Stan said.

"Boys, boys. I think you're all missing the obvious solution." Mabel said.

"It's singing, isn't it?" I said. "I knew what it was; I was just making a comment on what Dipper said."

"But the karaoke machine isn't here." Mabel said. "You told me to leave it, remember?"

"Dangit! Alright, solution time." I said. "I have my iPad with me still from that song I was singing earlier. I could look up a song on there."

"That could work, as long as the lyrics are on-screen." Mabel said.

"They are." I said, as we climbed out onto the roof and I got out my iPad and looked up one of my favorite songs: "Unfixable" by DAGames.

 _Hey, friend. Welcome back again, to a night in our circus hall of fame. Such a shame you won't be around for long, so we might as well sing our song! So basically you have another five alerting nights. More frights, no bites, but a vicious sight. We're controlled by an evil insanity. This profanity has now vanity!_

 _Welcome my friend, to a night in our circus world! We're looking for a technician and you're just the guy we've heard of! We're held away by wiring now; we're wanting out. Can you shock us? Can you tame us? But we want your body now!_

 _Now behave, for the voices in the halls will try to eat you up alive. So before the show begins, please don't hold against our sins, 'cause by dawn you'll be crumbling in your skin!_

 _We are the tortured! We're not your friends! So long as we're not visible, we are unfixable! We are the curses! Crumbled inside! Look left or right, we're unthinkable! Our fate is now unfixable!_ _We are the tortured! We're not your friends! So long as we're not visible, we are unfixable! We are the curses! Crumbled inside! Look left or right, we're unthinkable! Our fate is now unfixable!_

 _(Un- unfixable. Un- un- unfixable. Un- un- unfixable. Un- -fix-)_

 _Welcome back friend, to a night of debauchery. As you saw from all the hardware, you're inclined to think the worst from us. You've got the knowledge to begin the chiming bell. So saddle up your hiding skills and start your night in heck!_

 _Pay good attention to your friends that creep around. They don't exactly act the same so zap them with controlled shocks. They seem to like the buzz and then they start to play. So keep pushing, you'll be wishing you could end this dang dismay!_

 _Listen clear. Don't listen to that madman, he'll kill you from the inside. So before we take our bows, please remember your own vows, that tonight we'll be crawling in your skin!_

 _We are the tortured! We're not your friends! So long as we're not visible, we are unfixable! We are the curses! Crumbled inside! Look left or right, we're unthinkable! Our fate is now unfixable!_ _We are the tortured! We're not your friends! So long as we're not visible, we are unfixable! We are the curses! Crumbled inside! Look left or right, we're unthinkable! Our fate is now unfixable!_

 _Now open your heart and give it to meee-e-ee-e! Breathe new insanityyy-yy-y-aaaaaaaa._

 _So you read the news. What did you see? For there's no truth to defend our ghastly deeds. We have our signs to show that we're alive, but we're dead as far as they believe. We're all puppets, taken by a jester in disguise, it's a fact without the ties. Link us together. We're a family forever, ready to show you a surpri-ise!_

 _I can't take it! Scoop me up, wish me dead tonight! We wanna be like you! We wanna be like you! A bad presence, tears me down, deep inside the core! Get it out of my mind! Get it out of my mind!_ _We're all puppets, taken by a jester in disguise, it's a fact without the ties! (It's a fact without the ties!) Link us together! We're a family forever, ready to show you a surpriiiise!_

 _We are the tortured! We're not your friends! So long as we're not visible, we are unfixable! We are the curses! Crumbled inside! Look left or right, we're unthinkable! Our fate is now unfixable!_ _I can't take it! Scoop me up, wish me dead tonight! We wanna be like you! We wanna be like you! We're all puppets, ready to show you a surpriiiise!_

 _(Welcome, my friend, to a night in our circus world.)_

"Thank you! We'll be here all night!" Mabel said.

"Deal with it, zombie idiots!" Stan said.

"Pines! Pines! Pines! Pines!" We cheered as the sun rose behind us.

 **~Time skip brought to you by: Toby Determined being mistaken for another zombie! "Oh, it's just…" "Who is that?" "…just a very ugly man."~**

"I'm sorry about this, guys. I totally ruined everything." Dipper said.

"Dipper, are you kidding me?" Mabel said. "I got to sing karaoke with my three favorite people in the world! No party could ever top that."

"Kids, listen. This town is crazy, so you need to be careful." Stan said. "I don't know what I'd do with myself if you got hurt on my watch. I'll let you hold on to that spooky journal, as long as you promise me you'll only use it for self-defense, and not go looking for trouble."

"Okay, as long as you promise me that you don't have any other bomb-shell secrets about this town." Dipper said.

"Promise." Stan said, as I saw him crossing his fingers behind his back.

"Promise." Dipper said, also crossing his fingers behind his back.

"Man, we have got a lot of zombie damage to clean up." Stan said. "Where's my handyman, anyway?"

"Brains, brains." Soos said, walking in.

"Holy moses!" Stan said, grabbing a chair.

"Wait!" Dipper said. "There's a page in here about curing zombification. It's gonna take a lot of formaldehyde."

"Ooh, and cinnamon." Mabel said, leaning over to look at the journal.

"Come on Nathan and Soos, let's fix you up." Dipper said.

"Brains, brains." Soos said, as Mabel pushed him back with the chair into the kitchen while I followed.

"Soos, cut it out." Mabel said.

"Heh heh; sorry dude." Soos said.

"I can't believe it. All this time the author's secrets were hiding in plain sight." Dipper said. "A whole new chapter of mysteries to explore…"

"Could you focus on de-zombifying me and Soos first?" I said. "It's reaching the point of near-impossibility to continue acting like a human instead of a zombie."

"Oh, right. Sorry." Dipper said. "Okay, let's see… we'll need one cup formaldehyde, one teaspoon salt, two teaspoons paint thinner, one quart newt's blood, and a pinch of cinnamon. For taste." Dipper said, reading from the journal.

"I'll just let you take care of it." I said.

"I actually have all of those ingredients." Stan said. "I've had them for over thirty years, actually."

"Well, let's get it ready, then." Dipper said. Dipper and Stan left to gather the ingredients while Mabel stayed.

A short while later, they returned with the ingredients. "Okay, we have the ingredients." Dipper said. "Mabel, I need you to mix the ingredients together and give it to Nathan and Soos."

"You got it, Dipping-sauce." Mabel said, leaving for a bit and returning with a few other things, like sprinkles and whipped cream, and even a couple cherries. A few minutes later, I noticed she was making an ice cream sundae out of the potion.

"Mabel, are you sure you know what you're doing?" Dipper said. "I'm pretty sure the formula doesn't call for whipped cream and boba balls."

"Relax, Dipper. I'm just making some ice cream with it, so they don't have to drink a disgusting potion." Mabel said, putting the finishing touches on the 'ice cream' and giving them to me and Soos. "Here you go, guys. Eat up!"

I ate the ice cream laced with the potion, and my skin began returning to its normal color and the urge to act like a zombie disappeared.

"Ah; finally!" I sighed. "It was so hard not giving in to the zombie urges. It was getting to be mentally exhausting."

"Hey. I'm normal again." Soos said.

"Thank goodness that's over." Mabel said.

"So, you said you were resisting the urge to act like a zombie." Dipper said. "How hard was it?"

"Hmm… think about it like this." I said. "Imagine you don't eat any food for a week. Then imagine you're standing in front of a table of all your favorite foods. How hard would it be for you to not eat any of the food on the table?"

"So in other words, it takes a strong will, and some people would be incapable of resisting." Dipper said.

"Yeah, pretty much." I said. "Anyway, I'm going to go home now and sleep. I'm exhausted." I said as I did just that.

When I got back, nine minutes had passed.


	22. Into The Bunker

**Chapter 22: Into The Bunker**

So this week was fairly eventful, but at the same time, it wasn't. During school the other day, one of the students literally tackled the teacher, and the most bizarre part is that she didn't get in trouble for it. Of course, I happened to have been in the restroom at that time, so I missed the whole thing.

Over the week, I also got my first 'hater'. Simply go to the reviews of my adventures here and read the reviews from nekoboy13 to see what I mean. To be honest, I'm actually kinda torn about it. As almost every popular person in the world has 'haters', it could be a sign of the beginning of my own popularity, although it is a stretch. Although at the same time, it could also be that they just simply didn't like my adventures and decided to be rude about it as they said it.

In any case, I grabbed my portal remote as usual and walked through the portal. I came out on the other side just as Dipper, Mabel, and Soos were heading out of the Mystery Shack into the woods.

"Hey, perfect timing." Dipper said.

"Cool." I said. "I already know what's going on so let's go." We headed out into the woods over to the same tree that Dipper found the journal at before.

"Thank you all for coming." Dipper said.

"Hey, when there's a mystery, you can count on your sister… -y." Mabel said.

"Heh heh; that is an amazing rhyme." Soos said. "When you want some good… when- when… you need a Soos, you g- oh, oh, gosh, I don't know."

"We're here to solve the number one mystery in Gravity Falls: who wrote this journal." Dipper said, pulling out the journal. "Thirty years ago, the author vanished without a trace. But according to this new clue, we may have found his secret hiding place." Dipper said, shining the black light on a page. "We find that author; we learn the answers to everything. We just need to figure out a way to get down there."

"Chop it down, dudes." Wendy said, ringing the bell on her bike as she rode up on it.

"Wendy!" Mabel said.

"Oh! Hey! You came!" Dipper said.

"Dude, I'm so stoked about this. I've been wanting to go adventuring with you guys." Wendy said, taking off her helmet and putting her normal hat back on. "Sure beats picking up after my dad at home. Thanks for the invite, man."

"Of course! Anytime you wanna- oh, I don't- we're always- heh heh, us… heh." Dipper said, stammering with the biggest smile on his face.

"Uh oh." Mabel said. "Inviting Wendy on our mission? Me thinks there's romance afoot!"

"No! Look, Mabel, I've thought this through, and I'm over Wendy." Dipper said. "I've looked at it from every angle, and that thing was going nowhere. I know what matters to me now, and it's finding the author of this journal."

"Ha! _You're_ over Wendy? Allow me to put on my skepticals. Bwoop." Mabel said, making her fingers into glasses and putting them over her eyes.

"I've moved on, Mabel. You should too." Dipper said.

"Skepticals." Mabel said.

"Hey, is it just me, or does that branch kinda look like a lever?" Wendy said, pointing up to a branch.

"Huh. Yeah. But how do we get up there?" Dipper said.

"Leave that to Wendy." I said, gesturing to Wendy taking off her belt and using it to scale the tree. She climbed up the tree and hit the lever with the back of her axe.

"Boosh." Wendy said.

"Whoa."

"Oh, yeah. My dad used to make me compete in these lumberjack games when I was a kid." Wendy said. "Guess I kinda ruled at it." The tree Wendy was on began shaking. "Whoa. Whoa. What is that?" Wendy said, falling from the tree and landing in a bush. The ground around the tree began going down and we helped Wendy up before she went into the hole as well. After the ground finished going into the ground, a bunch of wood planks popped out of the side of the hole into a spiral staircase and the tree trunk opened up into a secret door.

"Alright, guys. This is it." Dipper said. "Remember: whatever happens down there; we tell no one." Mabel gave a thumbs-up, Soos turned his hat so it was backwards, Wendy gave the zip-and-lock-and-throw-away-the-key gesture, and I simply nodded. "Now who wants to go first?" Dipper said, holding up a lantern.

"I do." I said, taking the lantern and leading the way into the bunker. When we got to the bottom, we arrived in a fallout shelter.

"Cool."

"This is so stupid cool." Wendy said.

"It's like a fallout shelter or something. Must've belonged to the author." Dipper said as Wendy grabbed a piece of metal on the wall reading 'fallout shelter'.

"This is going over my bed." Wendy said, dusting off the metal.

"Ha. My face feels fuzzy." Mabel said, as I looked over and saw several caterpillars on her face.

"This is incredible! It's like he was preparing for a disaster." Dipper said. "But what kind of disaster would need supplies for over 60 years?"

"A nuclear war probably." I said. "The radiation stays around for a long time and makes it much harder to grow food."

Meanwhile, Soos opened a cabinet full of weapons. "Oh my gosh… a smez dispenser! I remember these things!" Soos said, grabbing the smez dispenser; which was probably the only non-weapon item in the cabinet. "What's that? Yes I will have some of your old-timey face food." Soos said, eating one. "Ew. Dusty." Soos said, before he ate another one.

"Wait, guys. I think this can was opened recently." Dipper said, picking up an empty can.

"The author might still be alive, down here!" Soos said.

"Wait a minute." Wendy said, looking at a poster behind Mabel of Gravity Falls. A poster that was blowing with wind from behind. Wendy walked over to it and tore the poster off, revealing a door. "I think I know where he might've gone." We climbed into the tunnel and came out in the other end in the security room. "Whoa. Man. Was this place built in the past or the future?" Wendy said, as her and Soos stepped over an obvious pressure plate.

"Yeah. This room is way creepy." Soos said.

"Not as creepy as Dipper's internet history. Hey-o!" Mabel said, shoving Dipper, who accidentally stepped on the pressure plate. The door behind us slammed shut and the walls lit up with several symbols as the panels began closing in on us. "Ah! Wall things! Creepy wall things happening right now!" Mabel said.

"Dipper! The journal!" I said, prompting him to take out his journal earlier than he would've otherwise. After all, if Dipper only just barely got out before the walls crushed him with only four people here, then with five here, one of us would've been crushed to death. Probably either me or Dipper.

"Find these four symbols!" Dipper said, shining the black light on the page. We scrambled to locate those symbols, and after we pressed all four, a door opened up and we scrambled towards it, just barely getting through; Dipper's vest getting caught in the closing panels.

"Yes! Yes! That was… that was nuts!" Wendy said. "You ruled back there, man!"

"Heh heh; thanks." Dipper said.

"Get a load of this crazy surveillance room." Wendy said.

"Check it out, dudes! Lololololo." Soos said, grabbing two empty beakers and putting them over his eyes as he did a face. I completely lost it; I began laughing so hard I was doubling over.

"Soos, Soos. That is hilarious." Wendy said.

"You're- ha ha- you're telling me!" I said breathlessly.

"Hey, bro. You forgot your vest." Mabel said, walking over to the vest that Dipper left and tugging it free as a piece of paper fell out and Mabel picked it up. "What the-? 'Dear Wendy. I've always had a crush on-'" Mabel cut herself off with a loud gasp as she grew a huge smile and pulled the paper to her face. "Oh my gosh! Hey, Dipper! Look what I found." Mabel said, showing Dipper the paper as he put his vest back on.

"What are you- give me that!" Dipper said.

"I knew it I knew it I knew it!" Mabel said. "You're not over Wendy at all! And you were gonna tell her _today_?!"

"No. I changed my mind. It's a bad idea." Dipper said. "I'd just embarrass myself and then I'd be another guy she hates, like Robbie."

"Dipper, you should just tell her already!" Mabel said. "One way or another, you'll feel better afterwards."

"Look, Mabel, I can't tell her no matter how much I want to, so just drop it, okay?" Dipper said.

"Dude. Dipper, Nathan, you've gotta check out this weird metal closet." Wendy said, stepping inside. "I am a robot. I have a metal closet."

"Coming!" Dipper said, before turning to Mabel. "This never happened." Dipper and I went over to the metal closet. After I stepped inside, and before Dipper stepped inside, Mabel ran up to Dipper and stopped him.

"Brother, whatever happens, I just want you to know something." Mabel said. "This is for your own good."

"What?" Dipper said, before Mabel shoved him into the closet with us and closed the door. Dipper got up and began pounding on the door. "Mabel, let us out!" Dipper said.

"Oh, I'll let you out, Dipper… as soon as you tell Wendy that thing you've been wanting to tell her!" Mabel said on the other side. "You'll thank me for this later!"

"What is she talking about?" Wendy asked.

"Nothing!" Dipper said. "Mabel's just been eating raw sugar packets again."

"That's besides the point." Mabel said, as I heard her eating; most likely eating the sugar packets.

"Let me out right now!" Dipper said, pounding on the door some more.

"Where are the lights?" Wendy said, pulling a cord. Water sprayed down on us before a very strong blast of air came in, slamming the three of us together before a sign lit up, saying 'decontamination complete' and opening up to reveal an old underground lab as we walked in.

"Aw, come on, I'm soaking wet!" I complained. "Ugh!"

"Whoa. A hidden lab." Dipper said. "Maybe the author did experiments down here."

"What do you think dug all these holes?" Wendy said.

"Let's hope we don't find out." Dipper said, when a growl was heard. Dipper and Wendy screamed and ran to the door that we came through and began pounding on it. "Mabel! Open up! For real! There's a monster in here!"

"Ha! Nice try. The only monsters are your own inner demons, Dipper." Mabel said.

"Dipper! Just say whatever Mabel wants you to say so she'll let us out of here!" Wendy said.

"Come on, Dipper! Now's the time, bro!" Mabel said.

"Wendy, I- I…" Dipper said, before becoming determined. "I'm gonna find another way out!" Dipper said, grabbing me and Wendy and pulling us with him.

"Wait, what?" Wendy said. "Dude! Where are we going?" We ran into one of the many tunnels and continued on, but it turned out to be a dead end as the monster approached. "What do we do?" Wendy said.

"I don't know." Dipper said.

"Nathan, what do we do?" Wendy said.

"It'll be okay." I said. "Just watch." The shadow on the wall showed a monster roaring before a man leapt onto its back and they engaged in a 3-second fight that ended with the man ripping off the tongue as he approached us.

"Well; I just ripped out a monster's tongue." The man said, throwing the tongue on the ground.

"It- it's you." Dipper said.

"Hurry, now. I scared it off, but it'll regenerate." The man said, walking off as we followed him. "I wasn't expecting guests. I've been down here for a very long time. Years. Weeks; maybe. I miss orange juice."

"You don't understand. You're the guy I've been looking for." Dipper said.

"He's the guy?" Wendy said.

"Wendy, Nathan, it's the guy!" Dipper said.

"The guy?" The man said.

"I've got, like, a gillion questions." Dipper said. "Why did you write the journals? Who was after you? Why did you build this bunker?"

"Heh. My boy, I'd love to discuss this in time, but we have more pressing matters." The man said. "It's one of my experiments; a shapeshifter. Able to take the form of anyone or anything it sees. It broke free from a cage of solid steel." The man continued. "I've gone half crazy trying to catch the creature alone. But now you're here! Will you help me catch it?"

"Rest assured; we _will_ catch that sneaky shapeshifter and put him away for good." I said.

"Good." The man said, leading us past a sheet. "Come in, come in. I apologize for the state of things. I don't get many non-mole people visitors." The man said. "Now the beast must have some weakness that we can exploit. I used to have my research on him, but alas, I lost my journals so many years ago."

"Did you say journals?" Wendy said.

"Dude, I found one of them! It's how I tracked you down here." Dipper said, pulling out the journal.

"What? Could it be?" The man said, grabbing the journal from Dipper. "Heh. My boy, I can't express my gratitude. Oh, yes. After all these years." The man said, leafing through the journal. "Yes, yes. After all these years. It's all here."

"Wendy, Nathan, isn't it amazing we're actually meeting the real author?" Dipper said as Wendy looked at a can before going wide-eyed with shock and panic.

"Dipper. Nathan. Look." Wendy said, showing us the can, which had the man on the label. The same man that was holding the journal.

"Uh… you know what, we should probably get going." Dipper said. Can I have my journal back?"

"You're not going anywhere." The shapeshifter said, turning his head completely around in a way that would snap a normal person's neck and leave them paralyzed or dead, before crawling up on the ceiling and growing four bug-like legs and screeching while its eyes glowed white, before turning into its true form.

"How do you like my true form?" The shapeshifter said. "Go on, admit it. You like it."

"You! What did you do to the real author?" Dipper said.

"You'll likely never find him. That six-fingered nerd hasn't been himself in 30 years." The shapeshifter said. "But I do thank you for bringing me his journal. He used to write it while I was in my cage. So many wonderful forms to take." The shapeshifter said, turning into a gremloblin, then a gnome, then the hide-behind.

"We've gotta get that journal back." Dipper said.

"Hey, body-snatcher! Snatch _this_!" Wendy said, throwing the can at the shapeshifter, which had now turned into a weird three-eyed giant frog-like monster I didn't remember seeing before. It stuck its tongue out, intending to grab Wendy, but she blocked it and the tongue stuck to a piece of spare metal, before Wendy pulled back and let go of it, hitting the shapeshifter and causing him to drop the journal as I caught it.

"Run run run!" Dipper said as we began running. I held onto the journal tightly as we ran down the tunnel with the shapeshifter, now in yet another form, literally rolling after us. We came to a split tunnel intersection and Dipper threw the flashlight down one of the tunnels as we ran down the other. The shapeshifter took the bait and chased after it as we continued running and ended up literally running into Mabel and Soos.

"Aw, dudes!" Soos said.

"Dipper! Nathan! Wendy!" Mabel said.

"Mabel! Soos!" Dipper said. "Wait. Careful. How do we know they're not the shapeshifter?" Dipper said, suddenly suspicious.

"It's them." I said. "I'm 100% positive."

"Maybe I am." Soos said. "Mabel! Inspect my shape." Soos said, lifting up his shirt.

"Poke." Mabel said, poking Soos' stomach.

"Do that again." Soos said, laughing.

"Poke." Mabel said, poking Soos' stomach again.

"Even better the second time." Soos said, laughing.

"It's definitely them." Dipper said.

"See?" I said.

"Oh my gosh; Wendy, you're bleeding!" Dipper said, looking down at Wendy's scraped knee.

"It's cool. It's cool. It's just blood, man." Wendy said. "Don't freak out."

"What happened?" Mabel said.

"We got attacked by the shapeshifter. He broke out of his cage, pretended to be the author, and wants Dipper's journal." Wendy said, taking off her jacket and tearing off the sleeve to use as a makeshift bandage for her knee.

"Imagine if he escapes into town. He could transform into anything." Dipper said. "We could never trust anyone ever again."

"What do we do?" Mabel said.

"Well, he took us into his home, tricked us, and tried to destroy us." Wendy said, tying the sleeve around her knee. "I say we return the favor."

 **~Time skip brought to you by: the continuous action reducing the amount of time skips!~**

"Oh boy, Dipper. That book sure is full of some great monsters!" Mabel said loudly as we walked along into the main chamber.

"There you are!" The shapeshifter said, looking at us in yet another new form. "Ooh! And a new one. Should I be one… or the other… or the last one…?" The shapeshifter said, turning into Mabel, then Dipper, then me. "How about all three?" The shapeshifter said, turning into a nightmarish fusion of all three of us. We screamed and ran back the way we came as the shapeshifter chased us.

"Guys! He's coming! He's coming! Now now now now!" Dipper said as we ran over to Wendy and Soos by the water pump. Soos and Wendy turned the wheel, but no water came out.

"It's not working, dude!" Soos said, as the shapeshifter approached, and shot out its tongue to try and grab the journal from my hands, but I got out of the way in time, only for its tongue to snake around me anyway, trying to take the journal from me, but I held on as tightly as I could.

"Hey! You leave him alone!" Wendy said, helping me by also grabbing the journal and pulling back, only for her to get pulled up as I lost my grip on the journal.

"Wendy!" Dipper said. Wendy got out her axe and got ready to cut off the shapeshifter's tongue, when a blast of water came at us. I made sure my hat was secure on my head and I squeezed my eyes shut as I held my breath and plugged my nose. The water flooded the tunnel, causing some brief chaos, before it drained and I opened my eyes and released my nose and my breath, although my soaking wet clothes were very irritating. _'I absolutely HATE the feeling of my wet clothes clinging to my body!'_

Dipper got up, and saw Wendy's axe. Grabbing it, he went down the tunnel as I followed; taking off my shirt and wringing it out to the best of my ability.

"Wendy!" Dipper called out, only for his voice to echo back with no response, until the fog cleared, revealing Wendy lying on the ground, motionless. "Wendy!" Dipper said, dropping the axe and running over to the motionless body. "No, no no no no! Can you hear me? Oh, please be okay, please be okay!" Dipper said, shaking Wendy's body, only to get no reply.

"Oh no, oh no! This is all my fault. If I had told you when we were in the closet, we wouldn't be in this mess!" Dipper said as I sat down, taking off my shoes and wringing out my socks. "But I was too scared, and now you could be hurt or worse, and I never even got a chance to tell you I'm, like… in love with you, Wendy." Dipper said, crying as I tried my best to dry off my pants while wearing them since I couldn't exactly take _those_ off and wring them out.

"Uh… Dipper?" Wendy said. The real Wendy; holding the journal and standing behind Dipper.

"Wha- wh- W- _Wendy_?" Dipper stammered. "W-wait, then who's—" The shapeshifter got up and ran at Wendy and the two wrestled for the journal. Dipper grabbed the axe and ran at the two, before stopping in front of them while I finished with drying my hat the best I could.

"Hit her with the axe!" One of the Wendy's said.

"Don't listen to her, Dipper." The other Wendy said.

"She's the shapeshifter!" The first Wendy said.

"Uh, uh… I don't know who's who! Give me a sign!" Dipper said. The Wendy on the left sent Dipper a wink that almost looked flirtatious, and the other Wendy did the zip-and-lock-and-throw-away-the-key gesture. Dipper ran at them and attacked the Wendy on the left, which bled out a green fluid, revealing to be the shapeshifter, which roared and turned back into its original form with the axe still in its chest, before the shapeshifter pulled it out as the cryogenic chamber flashed 'ready'.

"Push him in!" Dipper said as we shoved the shapeshifter into the cryogenic tube before it closes, to Dipper and Wendy's confusion. The cryogenic chamber begins freezing the shapeshifter as it shifts into several different forms to try and escape before supposedly freezing.

"Let's get out of here, dudes." Soos said. We headed towards the exit until we heard the shapeshifter laughing and pressing its face against the glass, revealing to not be frozen just yet.

"You think you're so clever, don't you, Dipper?" The shapeshifter said. "But you have no idea what you're up against. You'll never find the author! If you keep digging, you'll meet a fate worse than you can imagine. And this will be the last form you ever take!" The shapeshifter said, before turning into Dipper and screaming as the shapeshifter finally froze solid.

It actually took me a long time to realize that Dipper turns into wood in this exact position in the Northwest mansion while fighting the ghost.

"Heh heh. Good luck sleeping tonight." Soos said.

 **~Time skip brought to you by: Dipper having nightmares about the shapeshifter.~**

We made our way back out of the bunker and the tree returned to its previous unassuming position and letting out a small hiss of steam as it stopped. All of us had weary and tired faces.

"Dude, I think I'm kind of adventured out for a little while. My face hurts from doing this all day." Soos said, making a horrified expression before returning to his normal face.

"Yeah. But you gotta admit we're all total heroes." Mabel said.

"Hey. Who wants to get some heroes breakfast, huh?" Soos said.

"Syrup on cereal!" Mabel cheered as her and Soos supposedly left.

"Look, Wendy, about earlier." Dipper said. "In the heat of the moment, I might've said some dumb things, and… can't we just pretend none of that ever happened?" Dipper said, turning away. "Please?"

"Dude, dude. It's okay." Wendy said, putting her hand on Dipper's shoulder. "I always kinda knew."

"Wait, you did?" Dipper said.

"Yeah, man." Wendy said. "I mean, you think I can't hear that stuff you're constantly whispering under your breath?"

"Oh. Oh, man." Dipper said, covering his eyes and sitting down on a log.

"Listen, Dipper. I'm, like, _super_ flattered." Wendy said, sitting down next to Dipper. "But… I'm too old for you. I mean, you know that, right?"

"Ugh. Mabel said confessing would make me feel better." Dipper said.

"Well, how do you feel?" Wendy asked.

"Anxious. Scared. Kinda itchy…" Dipper said as Wendy laughed.

"Dude. Don't be itchy, man. Let me tell you something." Wendy said. "This summer was _super_ boring until you showed up. I had more fun with you than, like, practically anybody else. If you stopped being my friend, I would, like, throw myself into the bottomless pit."

"So things won't be too awkward now?" Dipper said.

"I just wrestled myself, dude. _That_ was awkward." Wendy said. "If you can handle that monster, you can handle a little awkwardness." Wendy said as Dipper laughed nervously.

"Friends?" Dipper said.

"Yeah, dude! Friends!" Wendy said, pushing Dipper to where he fell backwards off the log as they laughed and Wendy helped Dipper back on and got on her bike. "Oh, and hey, Dipper. See you for movie night tomorrow. Your place this time, okay?" Wendy said, riding off on her bike as Dipper watched.

"So, how did it go?" Mabel said, sitting next to Dipper, startling him.

"Wha-?! Wh- what did you hear?" Dipper said.

"Everything. All the time." Mabel said.

"I'm not here!" Soos said, peeking up behind some bushes.

"I was watching and listening too." I said.

"Mabel, Nathan, how can everything be so amazing and so terrible all at the same time?" Dipper asked.

"I'm sorry for being so pushy, Dipper." Mabel said. "If it's any consolation, I'm already working on a list of your potential rebound crushes." _'I don't know whether that's being supportive or creepy.'_

"Thanks, Mabel." Dipper said.

The moment was broken as Soos sat down on the log next to us; the weight lifting the other end of the log up a bit.

"I'm still bummed we're no closer to finding the author guy." Soos said. "At least I got his science-y coat and briefcase." Soos said, taking out the 'briefcase' which opened up to reveal a laptop. "Whoa! What the-?"

"Soos! That's not a briefcase, that's a laptop!" Dipper said.

"And a really busted up one, too." Mabel said.

"I bet I could get this thing fixed up in a few days." Soos said. "It's gonna take a lot of duct tape."

"This could be our next clue." Dipper said.

"It is." I said as I walked through the portal back home.


	23. The Golf War

**Chapter 23: The Golf War**

This week was supposed to be spring break, but thanks to my mom, I still had to do school work over the break. It's called 'spring _break_ ' for a reason. It's not all bad, though. As a matter of fact, today is my dog's 10th birthday. (For those who are curious, she's a pomeranian dog and her name is Abby.)

Other than that, it's been a rather uneventful week.

I opened up the portal to Gravity Falls in the Mystery Shack living room where Dipper was watching TV.

"Who wants Stan-cakes?" Stan said, walking in while holding a pan with a pancake in it. "They're like pancakes, but they probably have some of my hair in it."

"Pass." Dipper said.

"I'm good." I said.

"It's here!" Mabel said as she came in through the front door with a newspaper and running around in the living room. "Ahhh! Oh, it's here it's here it's here it's here! I've been waiting all morning and it's finally here!" Mabel said excitedly. "The Gravity Falls Gossiper took in my article about summer fashion tips for squirrels. My picture is gonna be in the newspaper! Check it!" Mabel said, showing us the newspaper.

"'Pacifica Northwest declares V-necks the look of the season.' What am I looking at here?" Stan said, reading the headline on the newspaper.

"Whoa, whoa, _what_?!" Mabel said, looking at the paper where her article was supposed to be but wasn't.

"Looks like someone bought their way to the front page." Dipper said.

"Is it legal for a child to wear that much makeup?" Stan said.

"Ugh; Pacifica. She always ruins everything." Mabel said.

"Aw, cheer up, Mabel. I mean, no one even reads newspapers anymore." Dipper said, trying to comfort Mabel.

"Dudes! V-neck season is upon us!" Soos said, coming in through the door. "Who wants to help me get ahead of the fashion curve? I'm taking it one step further: with a W-neck!" Soos said, drawing a W on his shirt and trying to cut it out. "Must… follow… newspaper…"

Upset, Mabel walked over to the nearby table and poured some orange juice in a cup and drank it. "I need something to take my mind off this." Mabel said.

 _"Looking for a distraction from your horrible life?"_ The convenient commercial blared.

"Why, yes." Mabel said.

 _"Victory! Honor! Destiny! Mutton!"_ The commercial continued. _"These old-timey-sounding words are alive and well at the Gravity Falls Royal Discount Putt Hut! No mutton available at snack shop."_

"Hey! Mabel, you love mini golf!" Dipper said, pulling out a photo album. "She's been amazing at it since we were kids. What do you say, Mabel? We've had a stressful couple of days. How about we take a break, huh?"

"Would kicking all our butts at mini golf help cheer you up?" Stan said.

"Maybe a little." Mabel said.

"Yeah, mini golf time!" I said. "It has been a while since I played mini golf."

"Come on, Mabel!" Dipper said. "Victory!"

"Honor!" Mabel said.

"Destiny!" Stan said.

"Mutton!" Soos said, as he finished his W-neck.

"Victory! Honor! Destiny! Mutton! Victory! Honor! Destiny! Mutton!" We cheered, walking out of the shack and getting into Stan's car.

"And the pig can look after the house." Soos added.

 **~Time skip brought to you by: the Nightmare animatronics from Five Nights at Freddy's 4! Don't let them catch you…~**

When we got to the Gravity Falls Royal Discount Putt Hut, we bought our tickets and golf clubs and headed in, greeted by 18 golf courses with varying themes.

"Ah, mini golf. The sport of mini champions." Mabel said.

"The grass is fake, but the fun is real." Dipper said. "There's something here for everyone."

I looked over to where Robbie was spray painting the wall with the word 'wieners'. "Hey you, stop!" The manager of the mini golf putt hut said, as Robbie ran away. "Come back here!" The manager turned on his golf cart and began very slowly driving after Robbie. "Hey, those are lewd hand gestures!" The manager said. It's best if I don't describe what hand gestures Robbie was using.

"Even teen delinquents, apparently." I said.

"Focus, focus…" Dipper muttered, taking a swing at his golf ball (which was green since I insisted on blue), but ultimately ended up missing. The wind from his swing did affect the ball though, as it rolled over towards the water pond. I caught it in my hand just before it went in the water, and handed the ball back to Dipper.

"Don't worry, bro. You're still… ext- _roar_ -dinary!" Mabel said, putting a sticker of a dinosaur on Dipper's cheek.

"I'll take what I can get." Dipper said.

"My turn." I said, putting my golf ball down on the green. I swung at it with my club, and hit the ball as it stopped rolling right next to the bridge. "It's okay, I guess." I said, walking off to the side as Mabel set her red golf ball down.

"Through the hips we go, and-" Mabel said, swinging at her ball, which ricocheted around the course before landing in the hole at the end, although bouncing off of McGucket's nose.

"Yes!" Mabel said.

"Holy smokes! Someone in our family actually has talent!" Stan said.

"Grunkle Stan, you ain't seen nothing yet." Dipper said.

"Yeah. The rest of us will be competing for second." I said. "Oh, and watch those double negatives, Dip."

 **~Time skip brought to you by: improper grammar is a small pet peeve of mine.~**

As it turns out, we ended up not even competing at all. Instead, we just ended up watching Mabel score hole in ones on every course. In fact, Mabel actually ended up getting a bit of a crowd watching her impressive golfing skills by the time we reached the eighteenth and final hole.

"Guys, this is amazing. If Mabel gets a hole in one here, she'll beat her all-time high score." Dipper said. Mabel swung at the golf ball, and it went through the course, going into the windmill before coming out and rolling towards the hole, only to roll past it and into the puddle.

"Aw, nuts!" Mabel said, throwing her golf club on the ground as the disappointed crowd left.

"Ah, don't worry about it, kid." Stan said. "The thing's random."

"Yeah. Besides the Bermuda Triangle, how mini golf works is the world's greatest mystery." Soos said.

"As far as I'm concerned, you're still better than anyone else in Gravity-" Stan said, before stopping as a purple golf ball rolled into the hole. The ball belonged to Pacifica.

"Oh, would you look at that." Pacifica said. "I didn't know it was hobos golf free day."

"Pacifica!" Mabel said.

"Well, if it isn't the Pines family. Fat, old, lame, braces, freak." Pacifica said, pointing at Soos, Stan, Dipper, Mabel, and myself in that order.

"Soos, would it be wrong to punch a child?" Stan said.

"I got this. Hey, Pacifica. How's that whole 'your family being frauds' thing working out for you?" Dipper said.

"Great, actually. That's the thing about money; it makes problems go away." Pacifica said.

"Well, it can't buy you skill." Mabel said.

"Or true friends." I said.

"You walked into the game of the mini golf champion." Mabel said.

"Ha. Sergei!" Pacifica said, snapping her fingers, as a man walked up. "This is Sergei, my trainer."

"The sportlympics had mini golf once. I took gold!" Sergei said, pulling his shirt down to show a medal he was wearing.

"So if you don't mind moving out of the way of the professionals…" Pacifica said, hitting the golf ball into the volcano bonus hole. "Enjoy second place. Give her a hand, folks!"

"Oh, yeah? Well, I want a rematch, you, you… walking one-dimensional bleached blonde valley girl stereotype!" Mabel said as the crowd gasped.

"Like, let's do this." Pacifica said, when it got darker as some storm clouds rolled in.

"Hear ye, hear he! Honk honk!" The manager said, driving into a lamppost. "Stop at once! The park is now closed, due to weather! The king of mini golf has spoken!" The manager said, backing into the lamppost again and falling over. "Ah! The king is down!"

"This isn't over! You. Me. Midnight. We'll see who's best." Pacifica said.

"I'll be here!" Mabel said. "I'll be here."

 **~Time skip brought to you by: 100k words of interdimensional adventure! The 100,000th word is: Cipher!~**

We headed out of the pouring rain and went into a nearby restaurant, where we got some food.

"Time to scratch mini golf off my talents list." Mabel sighed.

"Aw, don't give up, Mabel." Soos said.

"Yeah. If you beat her at this, she could never rag on you again." Dipper said. "Imagine it." We watched as Mabel imagined it, growing a big smile.

"You're right, guys. I just need to practice a little more before midnight." Mabel said.

"Go to the golf course after dark, you say?" Stan said. "I don't know, we'd have to break in, and- just kidding, let's break in!"

We rushed out and got into Stan's car and sped in to the putt hut, and Stan got to work breaking in by taking off one of the boards on the fence. When Stan got the board loose, he pulled it aside as we crawled in.

"Oh, and, hey, Mabel?" Stan said, taking a sticker out of Mabel's stickers book and put it on Mabel's sweater. "Knock her dead, kid." Mabel gave a thumbs up and followed me and Dipper through the fence, where Mabel began practicing the last hole. I ended up falling asleep while watching. I woke up to the sound of screaming as the twins were looking into the windmill. I got up and walked over.

"We good? We good? Okay then. Hi! Hello. I'm Franz, and welcome to our home." Franz said.

"What is this?" Dipper said.

"Yeah. Are you guys tony humans, or enormous mini-humans?" Mabel said.

"Neither. We're Lilliputtians!" Franz said. "Lilli- Lilliputt- the name makes more sense written out than spoken. And we control the balls. Behold!" Franz said, as the windmill opened up, revealing the intricacy of the inside as one of the Lilliputtians pushed a ball in to show an example.

"That's incredible!" Mabel said.

"And so needlessly complicated." Dipper said.

"Like a Rube Goldberg machine." I said.

"What's a Rube Goldberg machine?" Mabel asked.

"It's a machine that is unnecessarily complicated." I said.

"Aw, shucks. It's only our lifelong passion." Franz said. "Would you like us to elaborate through song?"

"Nah, we're good." Dipper said.

"So what are you hugelings doing here, anyway?" Franz said.

"We kind of have to play in this golf tournament against my rival, Pacifica." Mabel said. The Lilliputtians had an immediate reaction.

"Oh, we know all about rivals." Franz said.

"Put a clog in it, ya windmill lubbers!" A pirate Lilliputtian said. "These frilly bottom poppin-jays are terrible at controlling the balls! We are the ball masters, says I!"

"Shut your mouths, you show-boating pirates!" A French Lilliputtian said. "Everyone knows ze Eiffel Tower hole is ze best!"

"Alright, everyone just put a cork in it!" I said. "We get it! All of you think that your individual group is the best. Can we get on with this now?"

"Yes! We'll settle which hole is best!" Franz said as everyone broke out into a tiny war.

"These guys are a riot." Dipper said.

"Guys, guys, calm down!" Mabel said. "Your fighting is inadvertently adorable."

"Adorable we are, hugeling, but our tale, less so." Franz said. "Every hole in the park thinks they're superior, from the cowboys in the east, to the grimy miners in the south. If only there was some way to decide which side was best. With, maybe, an award, or, like, a trophy."

"But Franz, look!" A French Lilliputtian said, pointing at Mabel's sticker as the Lilliputtians looked at it in awe.

"The sticker! The sticker could decide!" Franz said.

"It does say 'ze best' on it." The French Lilliputtian said.

"Decide for us, hugeling." A knight Lilliputtian said. "Choose which mini kingdom to give the sticker to and end our war!"

"I don't know, guys. I'm not sure I want to get involved in your weird mini blood feud." Mabel said.

"Psst, Mabel. This is perfect." Dipper said. "These guys control the course. We'll just tell them we'll give the sticker to whichever group does a better job of helping us win."

"I'm not sure, Dipper. I want to beat Pacifica, but doesn't that kinda seem like cheating?" Mabel said.

"Pacifica's rich, Mabel. She's cheating at life." Dipper countered. Mabel agreed.

"People of the 18 holes! We're going to have a game of mini golf!" Mabel announced. "And whoever does the best job of helping me win gets the sticker!" The Lilliputtians almost broke out into another argument. "Just remember; as long as you're helping me, no fighting." Mabel reminded as the Lilliputtians smiled in an obviously fake way.

We waited in the dark, waiting for Pacifica. When she came in, we signalled one of the Lilliputtians to turn on the lights in a dramatic way, leading up to us. "Looking for someone?" Mabel said.

"Waiting in the dark. Not creepy at all." Pacifica said. "Seriously though, I don't know why you bothered to come, unless you've got something up your sleeve."

"Oh, I guess you could say we've got a little something." Mabel said, much to their confusion.

"18 holes. Standard rules. Winner lives in glory. Loser wallows in eternal shame." Sergei said. "On your mark, get set, mini golf!" Sergei said, shooting a blank from a gun.

 **~Time skip brought to you by: Big Henry. Rest in peace, big fella! Your sacrifice will not be in vain! (Maybe…)~**

After a few rounds, Pacifica ended up storming off after the miner hole.

"Okay, guys, that was bidonculous." Mabel said.

"Little high fives everyone, little high fives all around." Dipper said, holding his hand down so the miners could each get a high five.

"I don't want to call it out early, but I think the miners might have one of these in their future." Mabel said, pointing at the sticker.

"I can't wait to see the look at Pacifica's face when we win." Dipper said. "I'm thinking it'll be like 'ugh', You know how she does that? 'Ugh'." Dipper said, making a face.

"Dipper, Nathan, is it bad that I feel good about making her feel bad?" Mabel said.

"Nah, just enjoy your victory, Mabel." Dipper said. "Trust me. Pacifica will be fine."

Right after Dipper said this, the uncanny timing of Gravity Falls strikes yet again as Pacifica's scream was heard. We looked over and saw Pacifica tied down to the windmill by the Lilliputtians.

"What's going on here? Let me go!" Pacifica demanded. "Let me go, you creeps!"

"Welcome twins and friend, welcome! I can tell you're loving this, right? Right? No?" Franz said, walking up to us.

"What are you doing?" Mabel said.

"This wasn't part of the deal, tiny Dutch man!" Dipper said.

"Okay, so we saw you were favoring the miners and we figured: 'What's better than beating Pacifica? Pbbt. Killing her!' Right?" Franz said.

"As if! I'm calling my parents!" Pacifica said. "Where's my phone? Hey, hey!"

"So, how about it, hugeling? Who's 'da best' now?" Franz said.

"Not so fast, landlubbers! If you're going to play dirty, so are we!" The pirate captain Lilliputtian said, holding Sergei hostage. "Now give us the sticker, or he walks the plank!"

The Lilliputtians broke out into yet another argument until Mabel had enough.

"Enough!" Mabel shouted, silencing everyone. "You know what? No one gets the sticker! No. No. Nuh-uh. No booing. Stop. No! No one gets the sticker 'cause you're all being jerks! I mean, why can't you just get along?"

"Because we hate each other." A random Lilliputtian said.

"That's kinda how rivalries work, lass." The pirate captain Lilliputtian said.

"Well then maybe… maybe rivalries are dumb." Mabel said, realization setting in. "Maybe you don't settle them with petty competitions. Maybe the only way to be 'da best' is by ending the fighting and working together!" Mabel said, tearing off the sticker and eating it. This didn't go over well as the Lilliputtians aggressively advanced towards us. "Uh, you guys aren't appreciating the lesson here." Mabel said.

One of the Lilliputtians pushed the lever and Pacifica was starting to head towards the windmill, that now had its blades spinning at a deadly speed.

"We gotta get out of here!" Dipper said.

"I have to save Pacifica first!" Mabel said.

"Dipper, go get Sergei and meet me, Mabel and Pacifica at the windmill. I have a plan." I said. Dipper looked confused, but followed my instructions. By the time I got over to Mabel and Pacifica, Pacifica was untied and the Lilliputtians were surrounding us.

"We have you at miniature pencil point! There's no way around us!" The pirate captain Lilliputtian said as Dipper and Sergei joined me, Mabel and Pacifica. I smirked.

"Maybe not around you, but we have another way." I said, pulling an ender pearl out of my pocket. The same kind of ender pearl I miraculously obtained after defeating Bill in Stan's mind. Everyone looked at me in confusion—not even Dipper knew what was going on.

"Hah! You think some strange-looking golf ball is going to stop us?!" Franz said.

"The goal is to get us out of here!" I said, and I threw it with all my might over the gate. Everyone watched as the ender pearl soared over the gate. At first nothing happened.

"Um, what was the point of—" Dipper said, before I linked my arms around all of us before we teleported to outside of the gate. "Okay, what the heck was that?! That was amazing!" Dipper said.

"That, my friend, was an ender pearl. A mystical object that you throw and it teleports you to wherever the pearl landed." I said. "They're one-time-only use, so don't bother looking for it. It's gone." I added, noticing that Dipper and Mabel had both begun looking for it.

"You three!" Pacifica said. "I don't know what you did or what's going on, but if you think just because you saved my life, I-" Pacifica paused as Mabel handed her a sticker.

"I'm sorry, Pacifica. We shouldn't have cheated. You totally would've beat me, fair and square." Mabel said.

"You're just lucky this sticker looks fantastic on me." Pacifica said, putting the sticker on her shirt.

"Time for us to leave." Sergei said, as Pacifica climbed onto Sergei's back and Sergei ran off.

"Well, that went better than expected." Mabel said.

"It's been fun, but I think I'm gonna have to leave now." I said, opening the portal back home. "See you later." I said, walking through the portal as I saw Stan's car driving up and watched the twins climb in.

When I got back, I was, for some reason, all the way in the neighborhood park across the street and around the block from my house. It took me about 15 to 20 minutes to get back to my house.


	24. Sock Opera

**Chapter 24: Sock Opera**

Normally, I wouldn't tell you about something that happened to me in Minecraft due to its nature of being unimportant in the grand scheme of things, but this event is quite severe. I like to play Skyblock on one of my favorite Minecraft servers, but I had been grounded for the past two months so I wasn't on the server. But my mom gave me a two day break from being grounded as a reward for getting all my homework done the previous week before that.

I logged in to my Minecraft account and got on the server and on to Skyblock, to find my island griefed on a massive scale. My island composed almost entirely of iron, gold, diamond, and emerald blocks as well as a quite few beacons. When I got back, I found out that the other 'member' of my island had stolen all of the gold, diamonds, and emeralds, as well as the beacons and spawners (which are both worth tons of in-game money), and left to their own island. In fact, this might be the biggest instance of large-scale griefing on the entire server.

I had over 40 combined stacks (each stack is 64 blocks) of those materials, excluding the iron, which was another 16 stacks. It was so bad that I salvaged the iron from my island and had to start over. Overall, I lost around $25 million (in-game, of course) worth of stuff. To give you some context, the maximum amount of money allowed in your balance at any one point is $30 million. Thankfully, some other nice players gave me some stuff to help; some of it quite valuable.

I also had my mom's birthday yesterday, so that ended up delaying my adventure. Regardless, it's time for an adventure about puppets. I walked through the portal.

"Nathan! You've gotta be more careful." Dipper said in a frantic whisper, as I closed the portal behind me. "What if somebody else saw that?!"

I looked around the library, and nobody was looking in this direction. "I think we're good this time." I said. "Besides, it probably wouldn't have been the first weird thing they've seen anyway."

"He does have a point, Dipper." Mabel said.

"Yeah, yeah." Dipper said, chuckling. "Alright Mabel, Nathan, today's the big day."

"Big day!" Mabel said.

"Soos finally fixed up the laptop." Dipper said, taking the laptop out of his backpack. "If this thing works, we could learn the identity of the author and unravel the greatest mysteries of Gravity Falls. You ready?"

"Oh, I'm ready, baby.… _Mama._ " Mabel said, opening up a baby book to a page with a baby on it. Dipper set the laptop on the desk and pushed the power button as the laptop began its startup process.

"This is it…" Dipper said, as the twins watched the screen, and it showed up a welcome message. "Ha ha! It worked!" Dipper cheered.

"Blip, blop, bloopity-bloop, twins." Dipper and Mabel said, doing their special twins secret handshake, before a buzzing noise was heard. We looked at the screen and saw a message reading 'Unauthorized Access Forbidden', also inside of two forward-slashes on each side, before a password screen showed up, requesting a password of 8 characters.

"Ugh, of course! A password." Dipper said.

"Don't you worry, brobro. With your brains and my laser focus, there is literally nothing that can distract us from- did you hear that?" Mabel said, before hearing some music. We looked over and saw a guy with puppets entertaining some little kids. "Ba-bump. Ba-bump." Mabel said, opening up the book to a page that depicted a heart.

"Oh, boy." Dipper said.

"Yep. She's got another summer crush." I said.

"Just when I was getting over Mermando, of course you show up at my doorstep." Mabel said, still enamored.

"Oh, yeah. I forgot about Mermando. Did not care for Mermando." Dipper said, walking over to a bookshelf and grabbing a book. "Okay, this cryptology book says there's 7.2 million 8-letter words." _'I actually figured out several password combination counts for exactly 8 spaces: a total of 6.6 quadrillion combinations for all common computer keyboard characters, down to "only" 100 billion for just numbers.'_

"I'll type, you read. Okay, Mabel? Mabel?" Dipper looked over and saw that Mabel was gone, and saw her rushing over to meet Gabe. Dipper simply rolled his eyes slightly. "Okay, I guess it's just you and me, Nathan." Dipper said, before he was met with sudden realization. "Nathan! You know the future, right?"

"Yeah, most of it." I said.

"Do you know the password for the laptop?!" Dipper asked eagerly.

"Well… no, I don't, actually." I said.

"Dangit!" Dipper said, before turning to the book and typing passwords in, each one wrong. After a few minutes, Mabel returned. "So, how'd it go?" Dipper said.

"Dipper, Nathan, how hard do you think it would be to write and compose a sock puppet rock opera with lights, original music, and live pyrotechnics by Friday?" Mabel said. Another buzz came from the laptop.

"What?! Mabel, are you serious?" Dipper said.

"I think the original music part would be the hardest." I said. _'I know, too. I tried coming up with my own music. I couldn't think of anything.'_

"I don't know what happened! I got lost in his eyes, and his ponytail, and I'm gonna be so embarrassed on Friday if I don't have anything!" Mabel said, panicking.

"Mabel! Calm down." I said. "What kind of a guy has a ponytail?"

"But what about cracking this password?" Dipper said. "You know. Mystery twins?"

"If you help me with this for just a couple of days, I promise I'll help you with the password!" Mabel said. "Please! Pretty please! It's for love, Dipper." Mabel pleaded.

"All right, okay." Dipper said.

"YES! Thank you!" Mabel said, tackling Dipper in a hug. "This guy! He's number one!"

"Okay, okay, okay. Shh." Dipper said, as he gathered up the laptop and we left the library. "Man, I can't wait to get to the bottom of this laptop. We're close to something big here; I can feel it." I looked backwards and saw a familiar shadow on the wall following us, with nothing casting the shadow.

 **~Time skip brought to you by: Codes and passwords!~**

After several days of puppet making and password failing, things were coming together for Mabel's puppet show, but Dipper hadn't made any progress. I had insisted on taking turns with Dipper on the password cracking so he could get some sleep. He only accepted it once. Tonight, I was laying out on the roof of the shack when Dipper came up with the laptop, barely acknowledging me before getting to work on trying several more passwords.

"Ugh, I can't take that sound anymore! I hate you sound!" Dipper said, after yet another failed password, hitting the laptop, then yawning. "There has to be some shortcut or clue. Who would know about secret codes?" Dipper said, before the wind suddenly picked up. A slit appeared on the 'moon' before shining a spotlight down on us as several light blue bricks appeared around it in a triangular shape. Then the entire structure flashed and disappeared, leaving Bill Cipher in its place as the rest of the world turned to a grayscale.

"I think I know a guy!" Bill said, as his voice echoed more than the usual ever-present echo in his normal voice. "Well, well, well. You're awfully persistent, Pine Tree. And you sure know just what to do in many situations, Bedrock Armor. Hats off to you!" Bill said, tipping his hat, as the entire area also tipped in the exact same way, causing me and Dipper to briefly begin to fall up before Bill put his hat back on and the world returned normal.

"You again!" Dipper said.

"Did you miss me? Admit it, you missed me." Bill said.

"Hardly! You worked with Gideon! You tried to destroy my uncle's mind!" Dipper said.

"It was just a job, kid. No hard feelings. I've been keeping an **eye on you two** since then, and I must say I'm impressed." Bill said.

"Really?" Dipper said.

"You two deserve a prize. Here! Have a head that's always screaming!" Bill said, as a head appeared that was constantly screaming. Then Bill snapped his fingers, and the head disappeared, layer by layer. Skin left from top to bottom, exposing muscle, which then also left from top to bottom, leaving the skill, which left as one piece. "The point is I like you. How's about you let me give you a hint, huh?" Bill said. "I only ask for a small… **favor** in return."

"We'd never do a favor for you!" Dipper said, as Bill began appearing behind Dipper. "Don't forget who defeated you last time!"

"Right. You 'defeated' me." Bill said, using air-quotes. "Well if you ever change your mind, I'll be here for you, ready to make a deal." Bill said, making his body into a kind of slot machine which landed on three Pine Tree symbols. "Same for you, Bedrock Armor." Bill said, doing the same thing with three symbols of Bedrock Armor. "Hey, wanna hear my impression of you in about three seconds? 'AAHHH!'"

"AAHHH!" Dipper screamed, as we woke up after Bill vanished. Dipper looked around and closed the laptop as we went inside the shack. We walked into the kitchen as Dipper was yawning a lot. "Hey, Mabel." Dipper said tiredly.

"Whoa. Bag check for Dipper's eyes. Ha ha." Stan joked. "Nobody?"

"Dipper, I told you to get some sleep last night." Mabel said, before picking up a blender. "Here, wake up with some Mabel juice. It has plastic dinosaurs in it!"

"It's like if coffee and nightmares had a baby." Stan said. Dipper silently declined and took us out of the kitchen.

"Mabel, listen. Last night, Nathan and I had a dream with Bill in it." Dipper said.

"Wait, hold up. The triangle guy?" Mabel said, forming a triangle over one of her eyes with her fingers.

"He said he'd give me the code to the laptop if I gave _him_ something. And he also offered to make a deal with Nathan, too." Dipper said. "Like we'd actually trust Bill, right?"

"Don't worry, bro. Today's the day that the mystery twins are back in action." Mabel said. "I'll help you crack that code. I just gotta hand off my puppet stuff to my production crew."

"Production crew?" Dipper said.

"Yeah. Now come help me with these boxes." Mabel said, dragging us off to help her carry a bunch of puppet stuff outside. We handed off Mabel's puppet stuff to her production crew, who turned out to be Candy, Grenda, Soos and Wendy.

"We read the script; very emotional." Candy said.

"I cried like, eight times." Grenda said.

"Hey, ladies." Gabe said, rollerskating in.

"Gabe!" Mabel said.

"Hubbity-bubbity!" Grenda said, while Candy muttered something in Korean.

"I was just blading by. Helps me dry off my ponytail after a shower." Gabe said, taking off his helmet.

"It's so good to see you!" Mabel said. "I was just working on the world's greatest puppet show. It has puppets!"

"Your passion is so refreshing, Mabel. Unlike the girl from _last_ night's puppet show." Gabe said. "Single stitch on one puppet, and _cross_ stitch on the other? I was like 'uh-uh!'"

"Cross… huh?" Mabel said.

"Naturally, I deleted her off my cell phone contacts list." Gabe said.

"Naturally." Mabel said, laughing nervously.

"I know you won't let me down, though. Based on what you said the other day, you must be a puppet expert." Gabe said.

"You know, Gabe, you look pretty sweaty. You should really take your shirt off." Grenda said. "Right? Aren't we all thinking that?"

"Later, ladies." Gabe said, putting his helmet on and leaving.

"GOH! We gotta up our game, girls!" Mabel panicked. "Did you hear that thing he said about the stitches?!"

"Don't worry, Mabel. Your crew can handle it." Grenda said, setting down the box in her arms and holding up a puppet of herself, and accidentally tearing off both arms.

"How many eyes does a face have again?" Candy said, holding up a puppet with several googly eyes on it.

Then we heard snapping behind us and looked back to see Soos on the ground with the pile of stuff he tried to tie to the top of the car, which was now blaring its alarm. "I'm not okay." Soos said.

"Ah! Okay, I'm back on fabrication. Get me my lint roller!" Mabel said, running off with a box of stuff before Dipper stopped her.

"Whoa whoa, hey! You just said you were going to help me." Dipper said.

"Dipper! This sock crisis just bumped up to a code argyle! The laptop can wait!" Mabel said.

"Mabel, do you seriously think that your random crush of the week is more important than uncovering the mysteries of this town?" Dipper said. "You're obsessed!"

" _I'm_ obsessed? Look at you!" Mabel said. "You look like a vampire! And not the hot kind!"

"But you said you were going to help me today." Dipper said.

"'Well, I can help you. With tickles.'" Mabel said, making it look like it was the puppet on her hand talking and using said puppet to tickle Dipper, who punched the puppet as Candy and Grenda were laughing.

"Okay, fine! You know what?! I'll do it on my own!" Dipper said, storming off as I followed. I made sure to clear the soda out from the fridge and replace it with bottled water, and I took the forks out from the drawer and hid them, knowing possession was about to happen. I walked into the attic to see Dipper trying more passwords again. "Passwords… passwords… Mabel… is… useless…" Dipper muttered, yawning.

 _"Too many failed entries."_ The laptop sounded.

"Huh?" Dipper said.

 _"Initiate data erase in 5 minutes."_

"No. No no no. I'm gonna lose everything? I only have one more try?!" Dipper said in a panic, when everything began turning gray again and Bill appeared.

"Well, well, well. Someone's looking desperate." Bill said.

"I thought I told you to leave me alone." Dipper said.

"I can help you, kid. You just need to hear out my demands." Bill said.

"Uh… what crazy thing do you want, anyway?" Dipper said. "To eat my soul? To rip out my teeth? Are you gonna replace my eyes with baby heads or something?"

"Yeesh kid, relax. All I want is a puppet!" Bill said.

"A puppet? What are you playing at?" Dipper said.

"Everyone loves puppets! And it looks to me like you've got a surplus." Bill said, as the rack of Mabel's puppets lit up in blue.

"Ah, I don't know, man. Mabel worked _really_ hard on these." Dipper said.

"Seems to me one little puppet is a small price to pay to learn all the secrets of the universe." Bill said, as his for showed an image of a galaxy. "Besides, what's your sister done for you lately? How many times have you sacrificed for her, huh? And when did she ever return the favor? Even your pal Bedrock Armor has sacrificed for her." Bill said, showing various instances of Dipper sacrificing for Mabel, and showed the time I got bit by a zombie to protect the twins and the time I rescued Waddles from Gideon. "Tick tock, kid." Bill said, holding out his hand, which was engulfed in blue flames.

"Uh… just one puppet? Fine!" Dipper said, shaking Bill's hand. "So, what puppet are you gonna pick, anyway?" Dipper asked.

"Hmm, let's see… eenie meenie miney… **you.** " Bill said, turning towards me suddenly. Bill let go of Dipper's hand and ripped me from… me. I was cast into the mindscape as I watched Bill possess my body.

"ME?!" I said.

"What?! This can't be happening!" Dipper said. "What did you do to Nathan?!"

Bill got up in my body and stood up, smiling eerily. "Sorry kid, but Bedrock Armor's my puppet now!" Bill said, laughing as he threw the laptop on the ground and smashed it with his— _my_ —foot.

"Oh my gosh. This can't be happening." Dipper said. "This can't be happening!"

Meanwhile, Bill stumbled around in my body, walking over to the mirror. "Man, it has been so long since I've inhabited a body. Woo! Woo! Ha ha! Pain is hilarious." Bill said, slapping _my_ face with _my_ hands. "And two eyes? This thing's deluxe!"

"I don't understand. Why are you doing this? I thought we had a deal!" Dipper said.

"Look, kid. You've been getting way too close to figuring out some major answers. I've got big plans coming and I don't need you or Bedrock Armor getting in my way." Bill said. "Destroying that laptop was a cinch. Now I just need to destroy your journal. Race you to the bottom of the stairs." Bill said, as he tumbled my body down the stairs. Thankfully, Dipper ran down and got my possessed body less than halfway down. Being basically a ghost, I took a bit of time getting used to moving around almost as if in zero gravity.

"Not so fast, Bill! You're not doing anything to Nathan's body." Dipper said as I phased through the walls, following them.

"You're no fun, Pine Tree. You need to learn to lighten up." Bill said, tearing my arm from Dipper's grasp and going into the kitchen.

"Hey!" Dipper called out.

"Human water! I'm gonna drink it like a person!" Bill said, taking out a bottle of water from the fridge and pouring it in my mouth and my eyes. I was suddenly _very_ grateful that I took those precautions earlier. "So where do you keep that journal, anyway? It's gotta be around here somewhere." Bill said, slamming the drawer on my arm as I winced. That was going to sting later when I got my body back. "Boy, these arms are durable."

"I've hidden it! Somewhere you'll never find it in a million years." Dipper said.

"Hey Dipper!" Mabel called out. "I borrowed your journal to use as a prop in the show, I hope you don't mind, I'm gonna go before you process this sentence, okay bye!" Mabel said quickly and in one breath before leaving.

"Sure, sounds great, Mabel. I'll see you at the show!" Bill said. Dipper tried to chase after Mabel, but Bill used my body to stop him. I began to curse my not-very-impressive-but-still-bigger-than-Dipper's strength. "Not so fast, Pine Tree. I can't have you jeopardizing my plans, so you're just gonna have to stay here." Bill said, using my body to drag Dipper upstairs and tie him up in rope. "Have fun!"

"BILL!" I said.

"What?" Bill said, turning to me as Dipper looked on in confusion.

"Why did you take _my_ body? If I wasn't here, you would've taken Dipper's body instead." I said.

"It's simple, kid! You see, you're stronger than ol' Pine Tree over there, even if not by much, so I took you instead so I could tie up Pine Tree." Bill said. "Then both of you are out of the way and I'm free to destroy that journal!"

"Who are you talking to?" Dipper said.

"I'm talking to your pal Bedrock Armor here." Bill said. "In the mindscape, he's basically a ghost. Without a vessel to possess, nobody can see or hear him except for me. Later suckers!" Bill said, leaving the room in my body while Dipper was left struggling to get out of the rope.

"Nathan, I don't know if you're still there or if you can hear me, but I'm sorry for dragging you into this." Dipper said. "From what I understand, Bill was supposed to possess me. But he got you instead." Seeing the puppets over on the rack from earlier, I slipped my hands into one of them and used it to talk to Dipper.

"It's okay, Dipper." I said, using my hand to move the puppet's mouth as Dipper looked at it in shock, then understanding of what was going on.

"You can talk through the puppets?" Dipper said.

"Yes. And I can untie you through the puppets, too." I said, slipping my other hand into another puppet and began working on untying Dipper. After I untied Dipper, he began racing down the stairs as I followed him.

"Don't worry, Nathan! We're gonna get your body back!" Dipper said.

"To the theater!" I said, partially to let Dipper know I was still there, and partially to say where we were going to find Bill.

 **~Time skip brought to you by: "I'm not a fan of puppeteer, but I have a nagging fear someone else is pulling at the strings."~**

When Dipper and I got to the theater, Mabel's show had just begun its intermission. Dipper and I found the room Mabel was in, and Dipper barged through the door as I followed with the puppet of me on my hand.

"Dipper! You made it! Where were you?" Mabel said.

"We were a bit tied up!" I said, realizing I just made a pun on accident, then deciding I wanted to skip the part where Mabel freaks out over the puppets coming to life. "It's me, Nathan."

"Wait, what, Nathan?! But you're… so much more of a _sock_ than usual." Mabel said.

"Mabel, you have to listen. Bill tricked me! He stole Nathan's body and now he's after the journal!" Dipper said. "You have to find the journal before Bill destroys it. It's the only hope to get Nathan back in his body!"

"I can confirm!" I said.

"But my cue's coming up any minute." Mabel said, when a knock on the door was heard and the door opened, revealing Gabe.

"Hey Mabel, do you have a moment?" Gabe said.

"Gabe!" Mabel said, making Dipper stand behind her and line up perfectly with her body going back-to-back as I made my puppet hide as well.

"Mabel, it's clear to me now that you really love puppets. I mean, you went whole hog." Gabe said. "And if you stick the ending, well… maybe later you could join me for biscotti?"

"You drive a biscotti?" Mabel said as the lights began to flicker.

"I'll be waiting." Gabe said, leaving.

"Did you hear that? He loves it!" Mabel said, as Dipper left from being pressed to Mabel. "This play has to be flawless. Can't we wait until after the show?"

"Mabel! Do you want Nathan to be a sock puppet forever?!" Dipper said.

"Yeah, okay, okay. Just take over for me until I get back with the book." Mabel said.

Dipper took over Mabel's show for her, and Mabel went up to the walk above the stage and tried getting the journal from inside the fake cake. Mabel fell in the cake, but Bill in my body (now in a suit) caught the rope and began pulling Mabel up.

"Okay, come on, come on, there's gotta be a way to get Nathan's body back." Mabel said, going through the journal.

"Oh, but why would you want to do that?" Bill said, catching Mabel's attention.

"Bill-Nathan! Billthan." Mabel said.

"Sh. You wouldn't want to ruin the show." Bill said, pointing to Gabe in the audience. "Whoops!" Bill said, letting go of the rope for exactly one second. "It's slipping. How's about you hand that book over?"

"No way; this is Dipper's! I'd never give it away." Mabel said.

"Hm. You didn't seem to have a problem taking it for your own play, or ditching him when he needed you." Bill said. "So come to your senses. Give me that book or your play is ruined!" Mabel sighed and reluctantly began to hand the journal over. "There it is. I mean, who would sacrifice everything they've worked for just for their dumb sibling?"

"Dipper would." Mabel said, realization setting in as she yanked the book back, pulling Bill (and my body) into the cake, which fell onto the stage. I pushed Dipper out of the way with the spare puppets just before the cake fell on top of him, since I was positive it would hurt quite a bit. Dipper and Mabel began fighting Bill in my body, using their combined strength to overpower my body.

"Get out of my friend's body, you evil triangle!" Mabel said.

"Yeah! And give me back my journal!" Dipper added.

"Whoa! Children fighting! I can sell this." Stan said in the audience, pulling out a camera. I laughed despite the peril my body was in. Dipper and Mabel took the journal out of Bill's grasp and hit my body in the face with it.

"Careful! That's still my body!" I said through the puppet.

"Sorry!" Dipper and Mabel said.

"You can't stop me! I'm a being of pure energy with no weakness!" Bill said, leaping onto the twins.

"True, but you're in Nathan's body. And I know his most powerful weakness!" Mabel said.

"What do you mean his…?" Bill said, as Dipper and Mabel squirmed out from under my body's grasp and running around.

"A little note about the human body; _you_ have a very low stamina when it comes to running." Mabel said, running around with Dipper and with Bill following behind. "Also, I have a lot of energy and I'm on four mega-shots of Mabel juice."

"What is this feeling? My body is burning!" Bill said, slowing down. "I can't move these stupid noodle legs. Curse you, useless flesh sticks. Body shutting down. Must… scratch… mosquito bites." Bill said, falling down and being knocked out of my body. I took the opportunity to reclaim my body and I flew into it, merging with myself.

"Back to my own body again! Ha ha!" I said, before feeling the sudden rush of pain from Bill using my body. "And… it's kinda painful." I said.

"You okay?" Dipper said.

"Yeah." I said. "It's less painful than I thought it would be."

After I said that, we heard Bill laughing and looked to see him in the puppet of me I had left behind.

"This isn't the last you'll hear of me." Bill said. "Big things are coming. You can't stop me!"

"I'm sorry, Gabe." Mabel said, pulling out a remote labeled 'big finish' and pressing the button. The pyrotechnics box that my puppet was on began exploding, sending the fireworks everywhere, including the box of puppets. After the explosions were over, I stomped on the puppet of me that landed right in front of me. Then we turned around and remembered that we had an audience.

"Don't worry." Mabel said. "I've seen enough movies to know this is the part where the audience thinks it was all part of the show and loves it. Cue applause!" Instead of applause, however, the audience booed and left, with the exception of Gabe, who stood looking at Mabel. "Gabe! Stick around for the wrap party? We've got mini quiches." Mabel said.

"Don't speak to me, Mabel. You've made a mockery of my art form." Gabe said. "Let's go, my loves." Gabe said to his puppets, leaving the room while kissing the puppets.

"Did he just make out with his puppets?" Dipper said.

"I might've dodged a bullet there." Mabel said, as Candy chased after Gabe while shouting something in Korean.

"Oof." Dipper said, before turning to us. "Mabel, Nathan, I'm sorry about all this. It's my fault your puppets got ruined Mabel, and it's my fault your body got possessed Nathan."

"Relax, Dipper. You couldn't have known Bill would take my body." I said.

"Well, one of my puppets survived, and she has something to say to you." Mabel said, pulling out the puppet of herself. "I'm sorry, Dipper. I spent all week obsessing over a dumb guy. But the dumb guy I should've cared about was you. Bap." Mabel said, lightly tapping the puppet on Dipper's face. "Mystery twins?"

"Mystery twins." Dipper said, fist bumping Mabel.

"Come on, bro-bro. Let's go home." Mabel said as we left the theater and got into Stan's car.

When we got in the car, I kept trying to ease the pain of my wounds while Dipper and Mabel just sat in the seat. We heard a bit of crinkling when Mabel shifted her weight, and Mabel looked under her shoe to see a crumpled up piece of paper with writing on it. Dipper and Mabel began reading it, and I saw Dipper and Mabel's faces go almost immediately to shock and fear.

"Uhh… Nathan?" Mabel said quietly in a slightly shaky voice. She handed me the paper and I read it.

 _"Note to self: Possessing people is hilarious! To think of all the sensations I've been missing out on—burning, stabbing, drowning. It's like a buffet tray of fun! Once I destroy that journal, I'll enjoy giving this body its grand finale—by throwing it off the water tower! Best of all, people will just think Bedrock Armor lost his mind, and his mental form will wander in the mindscape forever. Want to join him, Pine Tree and Shooting Star?"_

"To be honest, I kind of expected the note to say that." I said.

"Oh man, I can't believe it." Dipper said. "This is all my fault."

"Dipper, Dipper. It's okay." I said. "You didn't know. Heck, _I_ didn't know that would happen."

"Well, I kinda had something to do with it too." Mabel said. "So for the next week, I owe you two ice cream sandwiches, on me."

"Mabel, you don't have to." Dipper said.

"Well, I'm doing it anyway." Mabel said as we pulled up by the shack.

"Alright, well… I'll see you guys later." I said, walking over to where my portal remote was at and walking through the portal into my dimension. I had been lucky Bill didn't get it.


	25. Soos and the Real Girl

**Chapter 25: Soos and the Real Girl**

So this week, my school decided to make it so we were required to show our school ID every time we walked in the door. On Monday, I was walking in through the door after my third period class, which requires me to walk outside to access it. However, I was running a bit late thanks to the new security guy there. It normally takes me almost the entire passing period to get from third to fourth period. I tried to say I didn't have the time and that I could be late, but he wanted me to show my ID anyway. He said if I didn't show my ID, he would call the cops and have me charged with trespassing.

I did end up showing my ID and he let me go on my way.

And not to mention; tomorrow is the legendary once-in-a-lifetime occurrence of Easter falling on April Fools day.

I walked through the portal and saw Soos helping Mabel get unstuck from the screen door.

"Soos! You saved me." Mabel said.

"Heh heh. Just doing my job, hambone." Soos said. "I'll see you dudes tomorrow." Soos said, leaving through the door to the gift shop as everyone said goodbye.

"You ever wonder what Soos does when he's not here at the Mystery Shack?" Mabel said.

"No." Dipper said.

"Not really." Wendy said.

"Not once ever." Stan said.

"He mostly just plays video games." I said.

 **~Time skip brought to you by: Star Vs. The Forces of Evil!~**

I watched from the other side of the gift shop as Stan jumped out from behind a rack of post cards and startling a young kid.

"Please. Don't let my horrible, elderly face frighten you. Don't you wanna use that nickel to get a nugget from old Goldie?" Stan said, pulling a sheet off and revealing a strange looking prospector. "Watch this." Stan said, putting a nickel into the machine's slot. The machine whirred to life before the eyeballs popped out and oil spilled out all over while the machine uttered a horrifying screech, causing the child to run away crying.

"Okay. Seriously Mr. Pines, it's time to throw that thing out." Wendy said. "Its face reminds everyone of the inevitability of death."

"What? Sure, he's a little rusty on the edges, but old Goldie's a classic showstopper like me." Stan said, resting his hand on the machine, which slipped in the oil and causing his arm to go right into Goldie's mouth. "Kill it! Kill it!" Stan yelled, trying to get the machine off of his arm.

Meanwhile, Soos was restocking some shirts when he spotted a lady with a snowglobe. "Oh. A woman." Soos said, before sneaking into the rack of shirts that matched his. "Alright Soos, you can do this. Just use your mouth to say words that makes romance happen." Soos said, standing up and turning to the woman. "Your face is good. I'm a Soos." Soos said. The woman screamed and ran out of the gift shop quickly.

"Soos? What was that all about?" Dipper said, walking over to Soos in the shirt rack.

"I-I think I was flirting? But I'm not sure." Soos said.

"Did someone say flirting?" Mabel said, popping out of a barrel of question mark keychains.

"What were you doing in there?" I said. Mabel just shrugged.

"Well, I sorta promised my grandma I'd get a date by the end of the week, but I've never actually been on a date before." Soos said. "You belong on me, out of order sign." Soos said, taking the out of order sign off of the vending machine and putting it on himself.

"Finally, my prayers for a chance to matchmake this summer have been answered!" Mabel said.

"Soos, a little advice." Stan said, walking up with Goldie no longer on his arm. "You need to get rich. Or lie about being rich. Outside of that I don't like your chances."

"Don't listen to Stan, dude. You're a sweet guy with a steady job and a pickup truck." Wendy said.

"Would _you_ date him?" Stan said.

"Oh. Would you look at that." Wendy said, burying her face in her magazine.

"Soos, you help us so much, it's time we help you, dude." Dipper said. "We're gonna get you that date."

"We're taking you where romance lives and fashion styles die. To the mall!" Mabel said, as we all rushed into Stan's car and headed to the mall. Wendy stayed behind and Stan took Goldie so he could find a replacement. When we got there, we headed inside.

"I'm gonna find a replacement for old Goldie." Stan said. "Babysit Soos while I'm gone."

"Alright, Soos. Are you ready to explode a charm bomb on these poor, unsuspecting ladies?" Mabel said.

"Uh… but what if I embarrass myself again?" Soos said nervously.

"Ah, you can't be any worse at this than Dipper." Mabel said.

"Yeah. Wait, what?" Dipper said, when Mabel blew a whistle she had brought with her.

"And… flirt!" Mabel said, before handing off her first piece of advice. "Eye contact." Mabel said, as Soos approached a lady.

"Hey there. I'm not scared of your eyes at all! I'm gonna LOOK at them!" Soos said, opening his eyes further with his fingers, scaring the lady away. "Eye contact!"

"Okay, next tip! Conversation." Mabel said, as Soos approached a lady eating ham.

"Huh. You know, I've uh, actually been in a pig's body. Did you know pigs have a hard time walking backwards?" Soos said as the lady backed away. "Not you though. Not that I'm calling you a pig. Hey, where you going?"

"Next tip! Confidence." Mabel said as Soos approached a goth person of indeterminate gender.

"So. You're probably a girl, right? …Wrong? No, I was right the first time. …Wrong?" Soos said, before eventually giving up.

"Don't worry, Soos. You'll find the right girl." Mabel said, getting a sticky hand out of a miniature vending-machine-like machine. (I don't really know what they're called.) "You just need to… _stick_ with it!" Mabel said, firing the sticky hand onto Soos. "Ha ha!"

"Could this day get any worse?" Soos said, before turning his head. "Oh no! Cousin Reggie! He can't see me like this. I gotta hide!" Soos panicked, running into the nearby store. We walked into the store and saw Soos looking at a video game. "Huh. Never seen that one before. 'Virtually improve your dating skills. 9/10 basement dwellers recommend.' This is perfect!"

"Well, I guess you are better at games than at flirting." Dipper said.

"Anything to get you out there, Soos." Mabel said.

"I'm not sure you want to buy that game, sir." The clerk said. "This is the third time someone's brought it back, and there's a note on it that says 'destroy at all costs'."

"So, hey there. What's your deal? Like to— oh no she's dead!" Soos said, talking to a cardboard cutout of a lady which fell over.

"We'll take our chances." Mabel said.

 **~Time skip brought to you by: Anthyding can hadplen!~**

"Hey, have you guys seen Soos?" Dipper said as we walked in the Mystery Shack. "We're supposed to help him with matchmaking today.

"Yeah! I wore my motivational sweater and everything. I messed up that part." Mabel said, pointing to her sweater where she accidentally put only one 'O' in 'Soos' and tried to cram another one on.

"He didn't come in today. It's the first time he's missed work _ever_." Stan said.

"And he's been working here for, what, about a decade or so?" I said.

"We need to go check this out." Dipper said. We left the shack and walked over to Soos' house and into his room where we found him with the game he got earlier.

"Uh… Soos?" Mabel said.

"Oh hey, dudes! Come in!" Soos said. "This game is amazing. I'm making eye contact, going on dates, and I haven't seen any natural sunlight for 13 hours!"

"Soos, maybe it's time to apply these skills with real girls." Mabel said.

"But I'm about to meet her parents. Her dad is an octopus-man." Soos said. Mabel simply opened the blinds, letting sunlight pour in the room.

"We're going back to the mall, man." Dipper said, dragging Soos out. "You need to unplug."

"I'll see you later, .GIFfany. I'll be back, I swear!" Soos said.

"Ha ha! Soos, you don't have to wish it goodbye. It's just a game!" Mabel said, closing the door to Soos' room. "It's not like it's going anywhere."

We headed to the mall again and Mabel began looking around.

"Dang! Where are all them sweet honeys at? I'll check the ladies' bathroom." Mabel said, running into the women's bathroom. "IT"S LOVE TIME, GIRLS! GET OUT THERE! NO TIME TO WASH YOUR HANDS! DATE! DATE! DATE!" Mabel said in a megaphone, causing several ladies to flee the bathroom.

"Aaand here comes security." Dipper said, spotting the security guard heading our way. "We'll deal with this. Stay here and practice on some real girls." Dipper said, taking me with him.

"So, can you explain what that girl is doing, scaring people in the bathrooms?" The male security guard said.

"Look, sir, we're so sorry about that." Dipper said. "She's my sister and we're trying to help our friend get a date, but she can get a little, um… overboard… sometimes."

"You do realize that if this continues, I'll have to ban you from the mall, right?" The security guard said. "Don't let it happen again."

"D-don't worry, we won't!" Dipper said.

"Good." The security guard said, walking off. Seconds later, Mabel approached.

"Mabel, you could've gotten us kicked out of the mall with that stunt you pulled." Dipper said. "Try to be more careful, okay?"

"Yeah, sure. Hey, where did Soos go?" Mabel said. We eventually found Soos on a kid's train.

 _"Please insert 50 cents to continue."_

"Aw, man." Soos said.

"Hahahah. Oh, sorry." A woman said, walking over to Soos. "Dude, that's awesome that you're a grown man riding a train like that. You're totally, like, owning it."

"Huh? Oh yeah. I'm, like… if it's fun, uh… do it. You know?" Soos said.

"Exactly! Being an adult is the worst. Skewering meat, remembering to pay bills… I just wanna ride tiny trains all day." The woman said.

"At least you get to work at Meat Cute." Soos said, pointing at her apron. "Extreme lunch meats are the food of the future."

"I feel the same way. I'm Melody, by the way." Melody said.

"Oh, I'm Soos." Soos said, shaking Melody's hand.

"Guys, are you seeing this?!" Mabel said in a whisper. "This is amazing!"

"I tell ya. If you like robots for kids, you should check out the best restaurant of all time." Soos said.

"You mean…" Melody said, before they both began talking at the same time.

"Hoo Ha Owl's Pizzamatronic Jamboree." They both said in unison.

"What? You've heard of Hoo Ha Owl's? I loved that place when I was a kid!" Melody said.

"Oh yeah, dude. There's one right here in this mall. I should show you sometime." Soos said.

"I'm… free around 8." Melody said.

"Boom. Done." Soos said.

"Perfect. I'll see you then." Melody said, giving Soos two quarters and leaving.

"What a nice lady." Soos said. "Well, back to riding this tiny train for children." Then Mabel ran up and tackled Soos.

"Ah, Soos!" Mabel said.

"We saw the whole thing Soos, that was amazing!" Dipper said. "You talked to a real girl! And you got a date!"

"I did?" Soos said.

"Ahh! Ahh! This is the best day of my life!" Mabel said.

"You were in the zone, you made eye contact; it was like you've done this a million times before." Dipper said. "Don't you see? That game really worked!"

"You don't need it anymore, you can toss it out!" Mabel said.

"Toss it? But I like .GIFfany." Soos said. "She's good to me. She's predictable."

"Soos. Can a computer game go to Reggie's engagement party with you?" Dipper said.

"Not to mention, predictable is boring." I said.

"Uh…" Soos said.

 **~Time skip brought to you by: Five Nights at Freddy's!~**

Later at the mall, Dipper, Mabel and I were helping Soos get ready for his date at eight.

"Alright, you can do this Soos. Just remember what your love crew taught you!" Mabel said. "How does she look?"

"Nice!" Soos said.

"What are her stories?" Mabel said.

"Interesting!" Soos said.

"And who's gonna pay for dinner?" Mabel said.

"SOOS IS!" Soos yelled.

"Now date!" Dipper said, blowing an air horn as Soos ran in.

"They grow up so fast." Mabel said. "Let's go in and watch!"

"I don't see why not." Dipper said. We walked into the restaurant and got a pizza, cutting eye holes out of the box and watching. I ate a slice of the pizza too.

"Man, I could go for some complimentary breadsticks right now." Melody said.

"Heh heh. Uh… one time, I was so hungry, I ate the decorational bamboo in a chinese restaurant." Soos said. "Like a big ol' panda."

"You're hilarious!" Melody said, laughing.

"Ha ha! Well, you know, I… just sorta say whatever… pops into my, uh…" Soos said somewhat nervously, taking a drink of water, before suddenly spitting it out and coughing.

"Soos, are you okay?" Melody said.

"No! Uh, I'm fine. Everything's fine." Soos said nervously.

"You sure? You're spitting an awful lot." Melody said.

"Uh, could you sit tight? I have to go to the bathroom for a long time. Not in a weird way." Soos said, running over to our table and sitting down.

"Soos, what are you doing out there?" Mabel said.

"I got a big problem, guys. I'm being stalked by .GIFfany." Soos said.

".GIFfany?" Dipper and Mabel said.

"Or maybe it's pronounced .JIFfany? I was never really sure." Soos said.

"It's .GIFfany." I said.

"Soos, get a grip on yourself. .GIFfany can't stalk you because she's not real." Dipper said, when the lights around us turned off and .GIFfany appeared on the screens above us.

"Uh oh." Mabel said.

"Take it from someone who brought an arcade game to life; this will not end well." Dipper said.

"Don't worry. I'm pretty sure she's stuck on TV screens." Soos said. Electricity zapped, and .GIFfany went across the various arcade game screens (defeating Rumble McSkirmish effortlessly with an 'eye zap') before going up to the stage.

"Oh boy." Soos said, running back to Melody. "So, hey. Anyway, you, uh, wanna move this date into the forest far away from all electronics and people?" Soos said nervously.

"What? But the floor show's about to start." Melody said as the lights dimmed and the curtains opened, showing the animatronics on stage. The animatronics acted as programmed before they shut down and electricity sparked as the beaver cheerleader was centered in the spotlight.

"Hello, friends. Hoo Ha the owl is dead." .GIFfany said in the animatronic as some music began to play. "This next song goes out to my forever boyfriend, Soos."

"Soos, what's going on?" Melody said.

"No time to explain! We gotta get out of here!" Soos said as we ran for the exit.

"The only way out Soos, is in my arms!" .GIFfany said as the animatronic she was possessing snapped its fingers and electricity zapped into the other animatronics. "After them." The animatronics came to life and became aggressive as everyone fled the restaurant. _'Five Nights at Freddy's, anyone?'_ Somehow, we were the last ones to reach the doors and the doors closed on us. "Sorry, Soos, but you can't run away from our relationship." .GIFfany said, zapping electricity into the skee-ball games, which began shooting at us. Soos tipped over an arcade game and we took shelter behind it.

"So, about all this, I may have purchased a dating simulator that attained sentience and went crazy." Soos said.

"Oh, I am crazy. Crazy for you, Soos." .GIFfany said, zapping electricity at us. Melody's hair caught fire, but it was quickly put out by Soos. _'I remember trying to put out a flame on a match by pinching it with my fingers when I was a little kid. It was really painful even for such a small flame. I can't imagine how much it would hurt to pat out the fire that was on her head.'_

"I'm so sorry, Melody. I'll fix this. It's me that she wants." Soos said. "I'll distract her while Dipper, Mabel, and Nathan keep you safe. It's the only way!" Soos said, climbing over the arcade machine.

"Soos, these are children." Melody said.

"The only way!" Soos shouted, running at .GIFfany.

"We've been through much more dangerous situations than this and came out relatively unscathed before." I said. "For example, my body was possessed by a crazy intergalactic demon not that long ago."

"Yeah, that was probably the worst one so far." Dipper said.

"Over here, .GIFfany!" Soos said.

"Hey!" .GIFfany shouted as Soos ran into the kitchen.

"On three we split." Dipper said. "One, two…" Dipper was cut off as one of the animatronics chopped the arcade machine.

"Three." I said as we all ran in separate directions. After a brief scuffle, all of us were caught and forced to watch the exchange between Soos and .GIFfany.

"I've got you surrounded, Soos. There's no way out." .GIFfany said.

"Please. Let my friends go. I'll do anything you want; I promise." Soos said.

"I seem to remember someone promising to be my boyfriend." .GIFfany said. "Think about it. Real girls are unpredictable. They judge you. You really think Melody is going to take you back after this awful date? I can download your brain into the game with me. And we'll be together forever." .GIFfany said, as a USB input came out of her finger, inching towards Soos.

"Stay back!" Soos said, backing away and throwing things at .GIFfany.

"Come on, Soos." .GIFfany said. "Don't make me delete you too. What do you say?"

"I say game over, .GIFfany!" Soos said, throwing the game disc into the oven. The animatronic screamed as its face melted off and fell over as .GIFfany disappeared. _'Five Nights at Freddy's 3, anyone?'_ The animatronics holding us powered down, releasing us into the ball pit directly below us. Soos and Melody met back up and began talking.

"I'm sorry for all this. I honestly remember this place being a lot more fun when I was a kid." Soos said.

"Believe it or not, I've been on worse dates." Melody said.

"Really?" Soos said.

"Never date a magician." Melody said.

"Ew. Why would I?" Soos said. "Oh, hey. You wouldn't maybe be interested in coming to my cousin's engagement party in a week. I promise there's like, zero robot badgers."

"Heh heh. Yeah. I'll still be in town then." Melody said.

"'Still be in town'?" Soos said.

"I'm going back home to Portland in a few weeks. But we can video chat, if that's okay with you." Melody said.

"A relationship with a girl that I can only see through my computer. Sounds perfect!" Soos said.

"Spirit of love. We did it!" Mabel said.

"Yes, yes. I am so happy." Abuelita said, popping out in the ball pit with us.

"Have you been following us all day?" Dipper said.

"Soos' life is my soap opera." Abuelita said.

"Okay." I said. "I'll see you twins later." I said, walking through the portal.


	26. Little Gift Shop of Horrors

**Chapter 26: Little Gift Shop of Horrors**

Life can sometimes be very dull and uneventful, and other times, it can be complicated. Mine is a bit on the dull side right now. The most interesting thing that happened this week was this: In my Modern America class, we were talking about our biggest fears. When it got to my turn, I ended up 'dropping the realism', as one person put it. My response was: "My biggest fear is that I'll never get a girlfriend and I'll die old, alone and single and never having married even once."

As it turns out, pretty much the entire class felt the same way to some extent.

I also wanted to go to Gravity Falls yesterday, but when I woke up, I had a sharp pain in my chest, and my mouth was producing an unusual amount of saliva. I honestly have no idea what it was. And although I was better by the afternoon, I decided not to go that day just in case it was contagious. I didn't want to be responsible for getting the twins sick.

I walked through the portal and entered the Mystery Shack's living room.

"Kids! Get in the car! We're going to the swap meet!" Stan said.

"Ooh, a swap meet." Mabel said. We got in the car and Stan drove haphazardly to the Gravity Falls Swap Meet.

"Swap meet, swap meet, swap meet! Look at all these priceless treasures." Mabel said, running over to some bobbly heads. "Bobbly heads! They agree with everything I say."

"Professor glasses. They make me look like a genius." Dipper said, putting on a pair of glasses from the rack, before turning and walking straight into the rack, knocking all the glasses over.

"You can't exactly see anything either." I said.

"Look at these faux-gold beauties. They're mob boss quality." Stan said, looking at some watches, before spotting the old, admittedly hideous lady who was running the stand as he turned to us. "Alright, kids. Prepare to watch the delicate art of the deal… hey, hagface! How much for the junk watches?"

"They are not for sale! Not for _you_ , Stan Pines! The wind whispers your name!" The lady said as the wind picked up a bit before settling down again.

"Alright, I get it, you're creepy. Anyway, less talky more watchy." Stan said, putting some money on the table and grabbing a watch, when the lady grabbed his arm.

"GET YOUR HANDS **OFF MY WATCH!** " The lady yelled as her eyes rolled back in her head and began glowing.

"Ahh!" Stan said, yanking his arm back. "Yeesh! Freak show." Stan said as we left.

"Wow. Someone needs to work on their social skills." Mabel said.

"And their observation skills. Boom!" Stan said, showing the watch on his wrist. "Good job, heisting hands."

"Grunkle Stan, are you seriously shoplifting from a witch?" Dipper said. "That sounded like a curse."

"'That sounded like a curse!' Hey, anyone wanna buy a wet blanket? We've got a wet blanket for sale." Stan said as everyone except for me, Dipper, and Toby Determined began laughing. It turns out that he was selling literal wet blankets.

"Grunkle Stan, I'm serious." Dipper said.

"Curse, shmurse. Just you wait." Stan said. "I'll be just fine."

 **~Time skip brought to you by: the weird eye thing Stan grabs from the customer looking like a red eye of ender from Minecraft!~**

The next morning, I heard a scream from Stan as I woke up. Afterwards, the next several minutes were uneventful since literally nothing happened.

"Kids! Breakfast!" Stan called. Dipper, Mabel and I walked downstairs and sat at the table. "Alright, kiddos. Breakfast time." Stan said, walking over to the table with oven mitts on and carrying a pan with pancakes in it. "Prepare your mouths for—" Stan never finished the sentence as the oven mitts fell off, resulting in the pan dropping onto the table. We looked back at Stan, revealing that his hands were gone, with the inside of his wrists glowing.

"AAHHH AHH AHH! NO HANDS! GRUNKLE STAN, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR HANDS?!" Mabel said, completely freaked out.

"So I might've got cursed a little. But the watch looks nice, right?" Stan said, looking at the watch.

"Foolish man! Thieving hands find wicked face! You must return what isn't yours and—" The watch was emitting a voice, which Stan muffled by putting the oven mitt back on.

"That's better." Stan said.

"Ugh. I told you, Grunkle Stan." Dipper said. "You've gotta give that watch back and apologize."

"What?! That old crone should apologize to me for denying my right to buy cheap junk. I don't need hands. I've got self respect." Stan said, as he picked up a cup of coffee between his wrists, but fumbled with it and ended up dropping the cup as the coffee spilled over the table. Than Stan hit the fork on the table to try and launch a piece of bacon into his mouth, but it ended up landing on his face. "Mabel sweetie, will you make your uncle some hands?" Stan said.

"Sure." Mabel said.

~ **Time skip brought to you by: my cat coming up on my bed while I was typing this on my iPad and wanting me to pet her. She was purring a lot.~**

"La la la, hand makeover!" Mabel said as she put some makeshift hands on Stan's wrists. The hands were a bunch of forks taped to cups. "Say hello to your new hands! In quotes."

"Nice work, kid. See? Hands are overrated." Stan said, rubbing the top of Mabel's head, only for the forks to catch her hair and mess it up as Stan freed the forks. "I'm ready to take on the day."

The next few hours was spent as if it was a 'normal' day. Stan's makeshift hands seemed to work okay at first, but eventually it was decided that nothing could measure up to real hands.

"According to the swap meet pamphlet, the hand witch lives in a horrible hand witch lair on hand witch mountain." Mabel said.

"Stop saying hand witch!" Stan said as we walked into the cave with flashlights taped to Stan's wrists.

"Grunkle Stan, did you just tap my shoulder?" Mabel said.

"Kid, I can't tap anything." Stan said.

"Guys, can you stop tapping both my shoulders?" Dipper said. We heard some shuffling so Stan shone the light on the nearby wall, revealing several disembodied hands wiggling around as we screamed and the hands came at us.

"Hands! Lots of hands!" Stan said. Dipper fought off a bunch of hands before one got him in the face. Stan was slapped by some of the hands across the face. Mabel and two hands played rock-paper-scissors, and before I could tell Mabel to choose rock, she lost with paper as the hands chased after her. Then I was confronted with some hands as well and they simply tackled me to the ground with no further elaboration. Then we heard the witch laughing, who was the same lady Stan stole the watch from.

"Look at this _touching_ scene. Up top." The hand witch said, as one of the countless hands gave the witch a high five. "You guys… you guys get me."

"All right you horrible wench, you got me. Stealing is wrong, et cetera. Take it." Stan said, shaking the watch off of his wrist and pushing it forward. "Now can I have my hands back? I have a certain gesture I'd like to share with you."

"Alas, your hands cannot be gotten so easily." The witch said, as the hands formed a chair for the witch to sit in, which crawled forward as the witch picked up the watch and put it in her robes. "The spirits say… um… that the curse can only be broken by a kiss."

"What?" Dipper and Mabel said.

"It's alright, kids." Stan said, standing up. "Just look away." Stan walked up to the witch and kissed her hand.

"A kiss on the LIPS!" The witch said.

"What?! Forget it! I'm not kissing any of that mess!" Stan said. "I don't need my hands _that_ bad!"

"Yeah, you're just making stuff up now." Dipper said.

"Let's go, kids." Stan said as he started to leave.

"No, wait, don't go!" The witch said. "Eh, you're right, you're right, I was just making all that stuff up. I was just trying to get something going, you know. It's so hard to meet people these days." The witch said, as she snapped her fingers and the hands released us and a couple of them began braiding Mabel's hair.

"So this was all just a ploy to get a date?" Dipper said.

"I'm desperate, okay? But every time I bring someone back here without keeping their hands hostage, they just run away." The witch said.

"Well, yeah. Look at this horror show." Stan said. "It's creepy even for a cave."

"I'm desperate too, but I still respect other people's wishes." I said. "For example, when my last crush rejected me when I asked her to be my girlfriend, I didn't push any farther and we continued being friends, and put the entire thing behind us."

"You just need to redecorate. For example… a handelabra." Mabel said, picking up several hands and forming them into a candelabra.

"Ooh, the hand witch likes." The witch said.

"Then watch me work. Home makeover!" Mabel said.

 **~Time skip brought to you by: Mabel's self-appointed expertise in romance coming in _hand_ y!"**

"Okay, it's time to take a look at your fantastic new cave." Mabel said as we led the hand witch in the redecorated cave with two of the hands over her eyes. The hands moved away to reveal the new cave which looked more like a house and less like a cave now. "Men will definitely tolerate you now. And I left a book of pickup lines on the end table."

"Oh my goodness, I can't believe this is the same cave! Oh my goodness." The witch said. "I-I just can't find the words!"

"How about 'here's your hands back'?" Stan said.

"Oh, right." The witch said, snapping her fingers as a pair of hands came out of the witch's hair, landing on Stan's face, feeling around. Stan shook his wrists a bit and the hands jumped right back into place.

"Shaking, scratching! I've missed you, old rascals!" Stan said. "You're alright, sister." Stan said, giving a thumbs-up as the disembodied hands did the same.

"Will you be my boyfriend now?" The witch said.

"Nope. Never." Stan said as we left. "Well, I learned nothing."

"Is it just me or did that adventure seem a little shorter than usual?" Dipper said.

"It was a little shorter." I said. "This 'episode' is three different adventures; two of which are made up."

"So, that's all the adventuring for today?" Dipper said.

"Yeah." I said as we got back to the Mystery Shack. There wouldn't be any more adventuring for today, so instead, I decided to show the twins various things from my world. "Since we're done with adventuring for now, I'm going to show you guys various things from my dimension." I said.

"Oh, cool!" Mabel said as Dipper showed a face of interest and excitement.

"Follow me." I said, as I opened up the portal back home and the twins followed me through into my room. "First, I'd like to show you a game on my iPad called 'Five Nights at Freddy's 4'." I said.

"Don't we have to play the other games first to understand what's going on?" Dipper said.

"With this series, no." I said. "Only if you want to get into the deeper lore of the game. Game Theory figured it all out already, by the way." I took out my iPad and started up the game. The twins could already tell it wasn't an ordinary game.

"'Warning! This game contains flashing lights, loud noises, and lots of jumpscares!' Nathan, what is this?" Dipper said, reading the warning screen.

"It's a horror game." I said as the start screen appeared and I turned the volume all the way up.

"How do you play?" Mabel asked.

"Well, the rules may sound complicated, but it's not that bad, really." I said. "I can definitely say that listening very closely is pretty much required to win. Also, the controls are explained visually on the screen." I said, before I pressed the extras button and tapped on the button to scroll through the animatronics and double-tapped on Nightmare. The button 'Nightmare' turned into '20/20/20/20' and I pressed it as the screen showed Night 8. Since Night 8 can only be won once, I had saved it for showing the twins. "Also, I'm gonna need you to be quiet as I play." I said as the game started. Dipper and Mabel sat on each side of me while I played.

I went to the left door and listened for breathing. When I heard none, I shone the light. Nobody was there. I went to the bed and checked it, warding off 1 Freddle. I went to the right door and listened for breathing. I shone the light, and Nightmare Chica went back behind the corner as I went back. I checked the bed again and warded off another Freddle. I went to the left door and listened. I heard breathing so I closed the door and waited for the footsteps to leave, signaling that Nightmare Bonnie had left. After Nightmare Bonnie left, I shone the light just in case. This process of checking the left door, then the bed, then the right door, then the bed again repeated for a while; shining the light when I didn't hear breathing, and closing the door when I did. Until about 1 AM when I didn't hold the door closed long enough and Nightmare Chica jumpscared me when I shone the light.

Dipper and Mabel were very startled and they jumped. I was startled too. "Alright, let me try that again." I said. I repeated the process and got to 1 AM before being jumpscared by Nightmare Chica again. "One more try." I said. Again, I made it to 1 AM before being jumpscared by Nightmare Chica again. "This is the hardest night, so that's why I'm having a difficult time." I said. "Plus, once you beat the night, you can't play it again, so I was saving it for you."

"That was nice of you." Mabel said.

"Yeah. That was scary, but fun." Dipper said.

"Yeah. What makes a jumpscare scary isn't so much the noise itself as the fact that you're very focused on the game." I said, before remembering something. "Actually, I remember that it was easy for me to pass nights 6 and 7 when I wore headphones to do the night, since then I could hear better." I said.

After I got jumpscared three times, I decided to show the twins something a little more lighthearted and show them one of my favorite TV shows. "How would you like to see the intro theme for a TV show called… 'Gravity Falls'?" I said.

"Yes! Show us! Show us! Show us!" Dipper and Mabel said. I laughed as I pulled up the Gravity Falls intro theme on YouTube. (I made sure it was the intro that was before a certain six-fingered author appeared.)

The music began playing and the twins were watching very closely. When the twins appeared on the screen, I noticed a reaction from the twins, though I wasn't quite sure what that reaction was. I also heard Mabel laugh a little when Dipper dropped the candle in fright on the intro.

After the intro was over, the twins were left in amazement.

"Nathan, that's amazing!" Mabel said.

"Yeah, that really captures our personalities." Dipper said.

"Yeah, especially when you got scared from the skeleton, Dipper." Mabel said. Dipper simply rolled his eyes at Mabel's teasing.

"Oh yeah, this reminds me." Dipper said. "So, would you happen to know who the author of the journals is, when we meet him, and how we meet him?"

"To be honest, I'm surprised you didn't ask me sooner." I said. "And yes, I do know. But I can't tell you." Dipper looked disappointed. "However, I _can_ say that you'll meet him in what is probably the last way you would expect, and he is also probably the last person you would think of to be the author. And you meet him soon." I said. Dipper looked pretty excited now.

"So, how soon do we meet him?" Dipper asked.

"I don't know exactly when, but probably within the next week or two." I said.

"This is awesome!" Dipper said.

"Uh oh." Mabel said.

"What do you mean, 'uh oh'?" Dipper said. Mabel pointed at the paper pyramid on my desk that was decorated to look like Bill, which was slowly floating upwards as it spun around faster and faster before Bill appeared in a flash in place of the paper pyramid. As soon as Bill appeared, everything else became grayscale.

"Well, well, well." Bill said.

"Bill!" Dipper and Mabel said.

"What are you doing here?" Dipper said.

"Yeah! What do you want from us?" Mabel said.

"I don't appreciate you stealing my body earlier Bill." I said. "I felt those bruises for a week."

"Hey, relax. Can't a guy stop by for a chat once in a while?" Bill said.

"What is it, you floating interdimensional corn chip?" I said.

"Take it easy with the name calling there, Bedrock Armor." Bill said. "I just wanted to talk."

"About what?" I said.

"Your portable hyperspace transporter, of course!" Bill said.

"Huh?"

"Your portal remote, kid." Bill said. "You see, I didn't even know this reality existed until you came through the portal with that remote of yours. But it turns out I'm famous here. Even you built a miniature statue of me!"

"What?!" Dipper and Mabel exclaimed.

"That's right!" Bill said.

"That was before I knew that Gravity Falls was real!" I said.

"That hardly changes anything, Bedrock Armor." Bill said. "But that's besides the point. You see, this dimension is unusual. Apparently I can't visit anyone else in this entire planet except for you, no matter who else I try."

"I suppose that is a bit odd." I said.

"But what I'm getting at here is that your remote is actually linked. That remote opens up a portal into the fourth dimension, a place not even I can access." Bill said. "That remote links you and Pine Tree together so that when you open your portal, it will always be within 100 feet of him. And the changes you make in the other reality will not affect this one in any way. Not even the TV show about us will be changed!"

"Probably to prevent a paradox." I said.

"And another thing, Bedrock Armor, tell everyone else that I am an interdimensional being not capable of feeling 'romantic affections' for anyone, and for them to stop 'shipping' me with someone else." Bill said. Bill wants me to tell you to stop shipping him with other people. "Anyway, it was fun chatting with you, but I've got places to be. Deals to make. Things to plan." Bill said. "Until then, I'll be watching you." Bill said, and in a flash, he was gone. The paper pyramid decorated to look like Bill was back in its proper place on my desk.

"Well, that happened, I suppose." I said.

"Want to forget that ever happened?" Mabel said. Dipper and I simultaneously voiced our agreements.

"I think it's time for me to show you my piano skills." I said.

"You can play the piano?" Mabel said.

"Yep. The piano's downstairs." I said. "Although, we'll have to be careful about me taking you two downstairs since I'm not sure how my mom would react to seeing you, since she does, in fact, know about the TV show Gravity Falls and knows what you look like." I said. "Although she doesn't know much about it, she does know what you look like."

"Yeah, maybe we should be careful." Dipper said. I looked out of my room to make sure the coast was clear, and I snuck Dipper and Mabel bit by bit to the basement of my house. (Although the basement is almost like a second house all on its own and less like an actual basement.) When we got there, I sat at the wooden bench in front of the piano and the twins hid behind the couch near it.

"Alright, I can't talk much since my mom is probably in that room down the hall, so I'm just going to tell you all the pieces of music I'll be playing in order." I whispered. "They are: Megalovania, I Got No Time, Balloons, Elder Shroob Battle, Flumpty's Jam, and what I have learned so far of Paint It Black." I said as I began playing the piano.

 **~Time skip brought to you by: Pianos!~**

"Okay, let's head back upstairs." I said as we snuck back upstairs and into my room.

"Nathan, you're pretty good at that piano." Dipper said.

"Thanks." I said. "I'm taking a piano class at school this semester."

"Is there anything else you'd like to show us?" Dipper said.

"No, I can't really think of anything." I said. "You want to go back home?"

"Sure." Mabel said.

"Okay." I said, as I opened the portal and the twins walked through. Out of curiosity, I poked my head through to see where the portal was. It was exactly where it was when I opened it to go to my dimension earlier when I took the twins with me.


	27. Society of the Blind Eye

**Chapter 27: Society of the Blind Eye**

I had tried again on the 20/20/20/20 mode on FNAF 4 (without headphones) and this time, I had made it to 2 AM and was jumpscared from Nightmare Chica getting into the room. The first three times, I had died in the same way: at 1 AM, from shining the light on Nightmare Chica at the door. I'm keeping track because I want to record how many tries it takes me to beat the hardest night in the game.

Anyway, it was time for an adventure that wouldn't be forgotten. Speaking of which, my mind was strangely blank about some of the events of this 'episode'. I dismissed it and grabbed my portal remote.

I walked through the portal again and came out in the gift shop of the Mystery Shack where Soos was playing a song on the radio.

 _"Am I blanchin', girl we blanchin'. I live up in a mansion. Am I blanchin', girl we blanchin'."_

"I live up in a mansion." Soos said, singing along to the radio.

"Ugh! I can't get that terrible song out of my head!" Wendy said.

"What, you mean 'Straight Blanchin'' by 'Lil' Big Dawg'?" Soos said. "It's the catchiest song of the summer."

"What is 'blanching'? Rappers can't just make up words!" Wendy said.

"'Blanch' is to grow pale from shock, fear, or a similar emotion." I said.

"We don't need your help, Nathan." Wendy said.

"Whoa." I said. "Just trying to help."

"Rappers are visionaries, Wendy." Soos said.

 _"Eat your own pants, eat your own pants, yeah."_ The radio sounded.

"I guess I have no choice. Do do doo…" Soos said, as he began unzipping his pants.

"Wendy! Soos! Nathan! We need to go see Old Man McGucket!" Dipper said.

"We'll explain on the way!" Mabel said, as the twins pulled me, Soos and Wendy along with them.

"Hey, what about work? Kids!" Stan said as we passed by him. Meanwhile, Soos had gotten his pants off now and was chewing on them. "Why is Soos eating his own pants?"

"The radio told him to!" I yelled back.

"Wait, Nathan." Dipper said, stopping suddenly. "Before we continue, is Old Man McGucket the author?"

"I'm afraid I can't tell you that information." I said.

"Okay… is he related to the author in any way? Including the possibility of him being the author?" Dipper said.

"Yes." I said.

"Great! Let's go!" Dipper said, as we continued on our way towards the junkyard.

 **~Time skip brought to you by: ~**

By the time we had reached the junkyard, Dipper and Mabel explained everything to Soos and Wendy. Meanwhile, Soos had (thankfully) given up on eating his pants, and put them back on.

"Old Man McGucket?" Dipper called out.

"Here, hillbilly-billy-billy-billy." Soos said. We approached a shed that was being spray painted by Lee and Nate when McGucket caught them, chasing them off.

"Get-get out of here, you salt-licking, horn-swaggling… 'McSuckit'. They got me good." McGucket said, before turning to us. "Visitors! Come, come. Pull up some rusty metal. You're just in time for my hourly turf war with the hillbilly what lives in my mirror." McGucket said, before turning to the mirror/tub and yelling at his reflection.

"You can drop the act, McGucket. I know you're the author." Dipper said. "Or, at least, involved in this somehow." Dipper added, just barely loud enough for me to hear.

"Dude, you're the genius Dipper's been searching for all summer." Wendy said as Soos pulled the broken laptop out of the backpack and Wendy handed it to McGucket.

"Eh… genius? I'm no genius." McGucket said. "I've never done nothing worthwhile in my life. Everyone knows I'm no good to nobody. I can't remember what I used to be, but I must've been a big failure to end up like this."

"But the laptop has your name on it." Soos said.

"What about this book? Are you _sure_ you didn't write it?" Dipper said, holding out the journal and showing McGucket some of the pages. "Here, look closely."

"I told you, I don't recall. Everything before 1982 is just a blur. Just a hazy…" McGucket said, before pausing when he saw a particular page. "Ah! Ahh! The Blind Eye! I- robes! The men! My mind! They DID something!" McGucket said, falling back.

"Who did?" Dipper said, closing the journal.

"I… oh, I don't recall." McGucket said.

"Oh, you poor old man. No wonder your mind's all _pbbt_." Mabel said, making a farting noise with her mouth and tongue. "You've been through something intense."

"What if McGucket learned something he wasn't supposed to know, and someone, or some _thing_ , messed with his mind?" Dipper said. "We've got to get to the bottom of this."

"Think, dude. What is the _earliest_ thing you can remember?" Wendy said.

"This is, I think." McGucket said, pulling a newspaper off the wall with the headline of McGucket at the museum.

"The history museum!" Wendy said.

"Then that's where we're going." Dipper said.

 **~Time skip brought to you by: Throwing music out the window!~**

When we got to the museum, we opened a window and climbed in and began looking around.

"Hello? Anyone here?" Soos called out.

"Alright. Keep your eyes peeled for anything suspicious." Dipper said, as I watched Mabel walk past a statue of a cheetah.

"Mabel, are you okay? You just walked by a cat without petting it." Wendy said.

"Oh, Wendy. Everything I look at reminds me of my failed romances." Mabel said. "That formaldehyde heart, that romantic diorama, even this poster of my most recent ex-crush." Mabel said, gesturing around to various things around the area and taking down the poster of Gabe, only to reveal another poster underneath, showing the Sev'ral Timez band. "Aw, come on!"

"Don't worry about it, Mabel. I'm not exactly getting anywhere myself in terms of romance either." I said.

"So your last memory was here." Dipper said, talking to McGucket. "Anything coming back?"

"Guys, look!" Soos said, pointing down the hall at a figure, who ran off after being spotted. We quickly chased after them.

"Hey! Who's there?" Dipper said as we chased them into a room that had a major theme around eyes. The room was a dead end and the figure was nowhere to be seen.

"Well, kettle my corn. He vanishified!" McGucket said.

"It doesn't make sense. Where did he go?" Dipper said.

"Eh… I feel like all these eyeballs are a-watching me." McGucket said.

"Wait… they are!" Dipper said. "Move aside." McGucket stepped out of the way to reveal a triangle shaped panel with an eye on it. All of the other eyes in the room were 'looking' at it. Dipper walked up to the panel and pressed it, causing the fireplace behind us to slide out to the left, revealing a hidden passage.

"Jackpot." Wendy said.

"A secret passageway!" Dipper said.

"We'll have to be stealthy. I'll hambone a message if there's trouble." McGucket said, slapping himself on various places around his body in succession.

"I have no idea what that means." Dipper said.

"I know I should remember it, but I can't remember what that means." I said.

We walked down the stairs in the hidden passage, approaching a red curtain. As we got closer, we began to hear chanting in a language that I could only tell it wasn't English or Spanish. We pulled the curtain back slightly and saw several robed figures in a room with a chest in the middle.

"Who is the subject of our meeting?" The leader said.

"This woman." The other figures said simultaneously. Two of the figures led a woman forward with a sack on her head, then pulled the sack up to reveal Lazy Susan.

"Lazy Susan?" Mabel said. The figures led her to the chair and put her in it, cuffing her wrists to the armrests.

"What is it that you have seen?" The leader said.

"Speak!"

"Uh, well, um, yeah, I was leaving the diner, and I saw these-these little bearded doodads. And I was like 'whaaa?'." Lazy Susan said.

"There, there. You won't be like 'whaaa' for much longer." The leader said, taking out a device from the chest and powering it up.

"What is that gizmo? It looks like a hairdryer. Are you guys barbers?" Lazy Susan said as the leader fired at Lazy Susan. A bright blue beam fired out, striking her in the face.

"Lazy Susan! What do you know of little bearded men?" The leader said.

"My mind is clear thanks to the Society of the Blind Eye." Lazy Susan said monotonously.

"It is unseen!" The figures said.

"Oh my gosh. They erased Lazy Susan's memory!" Dipper said. McGucket pulled the curtain back a little more and slapped the side of his head three times. "What did that mean, Nathan?" Dipper said.

"I don't remember that either." I said. I began to suspect something was up.

"Guys, are you seeing this?" Dipper said. "They just wiped Lazy Susan's memory."

"Heh. They should've wiped off that awful mascara." Soos joked.

"I think she looks beautiful!"

"She's doing the best she can, Soos!"

"Whoa!" Soos said. "Touched a nerve there…"

"Lazy Susan." The leader said. "How do you feel?"

"I feel great!" Lazy Susan said. "I can't even remember what was wrong. Or what I'm doing here. Or if I'm a man or a woman."

"Oh, your memories will be safe with us. Buried in the hall of the forgotten." The leader said.

"Into the hall of the forgotten! Into the hall of the forgotten! Into the hall of the forgotten!" The figures chanted.

"Good chanting, boys. Have you been practicing?" The leader said, putting the memory tube into the tube to be taken to the hall of the forgotten. "Meeting adjourned." The leader said, as everyone said their goodbyes. After they left, Dipper motioned for us to continue through the curtain.

"Amazing. A secret society of evil mind erasers." Dipper said, picking up the memory ray gun and looking at it. "I'll bet they erased your memory a long time ago." Dipper said, turning to McGucket. "If we can find where your memories have been hidden, it could be the key to unlocking all the mysteries of Gravity Falls. Alright. Mabel, Wendy, you two stay here and make sure those robe guys don't come back."

"Woo! Girls club." Wendy said.

"Soos. You, me, Nathan and McGucket are gonna go find the hall of the forgotten." Dipper said. Soos was leaning near one of the tubes, and his hat got sucked up into the tube. "Follow that hat!" Dipper said, as we chased the hat through the place. When we turned the corner, someone heard us.

"Halt! Is someone there?"

"What do we do? Where do we go?" McGucket said.

"We hide!" Dipper said. In a flash, we all hid in the pioneer wagon display. Soos, Dipper and McGucket took their usual spots, and I decided to sit inside of the covered wagon, since there were only supposed to be three figures there. Peering out through a tiny hole, I saw one of the robe guys walk up and try to fix the eyes of the prospector (McGucket) from looking too far apart, but they settled back into being far apart. I don't even know how McGucket could possibly let them do that to him without needing to even blink.

"Man, these are really poorly made." One of the guys said.

"Could've sworn I heard someone." The other guy said.

"Probably just the janitor kissing that wax settler woman again." The first guy said.

"Woof! Remind me to erase _that_ from my memory." The other guy said as they left. We sighed in relief, before spotting Soos' hat flying through the tube above us.

"There it is!" Dipper said as we chased after it. "Hurry!" We followed the tube down and it led us to a door with an eye symbol with a large red X over it, with the tube going right through the middle of it. Dipper opened the doors, and we saw Soos' hat fall onto a wooden statue… surrounded by countless memory tubes.

"Honey fogelin', salt lickin' skullduggery!" McGucket said.

"Man! You have got to teach me some of those old man swear words." Soos said. We began looking through the tubes of memories, until I heard Dipper muffle a strange noise that was definitely one of surprise, but that's all I could tell.

"What, did you find a dead rat or something?" I joked.

"No, but I wish that _was_ what I found instead of this." Dipper said, showing me a tube. At first, it looked normal, like all the others, until I noticed that THE TUBE HAD MY NAME ON IT?!

"WHAT?!" I yelled. "Put it in the memory-displaying TV thing!" Dipper put it in the slot where the tube was supposed to go, and the clasps around it secured it as the screen cut to static, before it showed me in the chair, struggling to get out, but strapped in.

 _"What do you think you're doing?! Let go of me!"_ I said, in the chair.

 _"Relax, Nathan. We're here to help."_ The leader said.

 _"The heck you are! I know who you are! You're the Society of the Blind Eye, and you think that erasing my memories will_ help _me?!"_ I said on-screen.

 _"We're willing to forget that you know about our society if you tell us one thing."_ The leader said. _"What is it that you have seen?"_

 _"Speak!"_ The other figures said.

 _"If there was one thing here in Gravity Falls I did not like seeing, it would be seeing Stan Pines 'exposed' after I helped him out of the lawn chair he was glued to and his swimsuit ripped off. But you're not going to erase the memories from me!"_ I said on-screen, as I used my skinniness to suck my stomach in and try to wiggle out of the strap. I actually got around halfway out before some of the others came and restrained me.

 _"Enough games. We will erase your memories of what you did not like to see."_ The leader said. _"But we're gonna have to erase your memories of the society as well, to preserve our secret."_ Then the screen went static and faded to black.

"Ho-how did they get me?" I said, stunned. I also began to feel the events of the episode slowly coming back to me.

"Lookie, fellers! It's those words what people call me." McGucket said, pointing to a tube that had his name on it.

"Oh dude, your memories! We did it!" Soos said, as he took his hat off the statue and put it back on.

"Grabby-grabby." McGucket said, grabbing the tube with his memories. "Heh ha. I got it!" McGucket said, as the closed eye behind him opened up and the eye (which had an X in it as well) began glowing in the crevices, then began flashing as the eye turned to look at McGucket and the alarm went off. "The alarm in my brain is-a ringin' again!" McGucket said, before noticing the eye behind him, and dropping the tube with his memories in surprise. Luckily, Dipper caught it before it could hit the ground. The robed figures from earlier came back and began chasing me, Dipper and Soos while McGucket hid behind the statue. After running for a bit, we hid behind a corner with some statues. We thought we had escaped, but some hands covered our eyes and pulled us into the darkness.

 **~Time skip brought to you by… umm… I forgot. Hopefully I'll remember soon.~**

We were sitting against a pillar, all tied up. They had made sure the ropes were especially tight around me. The robed figures approached us while chanting, and the leader came up and took the memory tube from Dipper that held McGucket's memories.

"You shouldn't have come here." The leader said. "We do not give up our secrets lightly."

"Who are you bathrobe wearing freaks?" Wendy said.

"Why are you doing this?" Dipper said.

"And what's with your creepy British accent?" Mabel said.

"Well, I suppose we are going to erase your minds, anyway." The leader said, nodding. One by one, the robed figures took off their hoods, revealing several familiar people.

"Toby Determined?" Mabel said.

"Bud Gleeful?" Dipper said.

"That farmer guy?" Wendy said.

"Creepy dude who married a woodpecker? You too?" Soos said. "How's that marriage going, by the way?"

"Oh great, great." The guy said, before leaning in closer and whispering. "Not great."

"And you've never met me before. And if you had, you wouldn't remember! I am Blind Ivan. And we are the Society of the Blind Eye." Blind Ivan said. "Formed many years ago by our founder… our founder…. Does anyone remember who he was?"

"We've been using that ray on our own brains an awful lot." Bud said.

"But why would you do all this? What do you have to gain?" Dipper said.

"As you have no doubt discovered, Gravity Falls is a town plagued with supernatural strangeness. No one knew how to stop the things that went bump in the night, so our founder invented the next best thing: a way for us to forget." Blind Ivan said. "We took it upon ourselves to help the troubled townsfolk by erasing the memories of the strange things they've seen. Now the people of Gravity Falls go about their lives ignorant and happy, thanks to us. And, as a perk, we help ourselves forget things that trouble us. Everyone has something they'd rather forget. In fact, your own sister was about to use that ray on herself. Isn't that right?"

"Mabel? Seriously?!" Dipper said.

"Ha ha! Maybe…" Mabel admitted.

"Don't you see? This is ruining lives! What about Old Man McGucket? He lives in a hut and talks to animals thanks to you. Don't you feel bad about that?" Dipper said.

"Mmmm, maybe a little…" Blind Ivan said, before he blasted himself with the memory ray. "But not anymore." I cut him off before he could continue.

"What is it exactly that you don't feel bad about anymore?" I said.

"I don't remember. That's the point." Blind Ivan said. "You won't be telling anyone else what you've learned here. Say goodbye to your summer."

"Uh, guys, if we're gonna forget everything, I got some stuff I wanna get off my chest." Soos said. "Mabel, for half the summer, I thought your name was 'Maple', like the syrup. No one corrected me!"

"I only love some of my stuffed animals, and the guilt is killing me!" Mabel said.

"Sometimes, I use big words and I don't actually know what they mean. I mean, I'm supposed to be the smart guy! If I'm not the smart guy, who am I?" Dipper said.

"Okay, I'm not actually laid back. I'm stressed, like, 24/7. Have you _met_ my family?!" Wendy said.

"Oh, stop being a bunch of babies." Blind Ivan said, when a flying trash can lid knocked the ray out of his hand. "Ah! Owwie!" Blind Ivan exclaimed as McGucket came up with a bunch of things.

"McGucket!" We said, as he ran up to us and cut the rope with the pickaxe he was holding.

"I raided the mining display for weapons. Now fight like a hillbilly, fellers!" McGucket said, setting the trash can of various items down in front of us. Wendy got a banjo, Dipper got a raccoon on a log, Soos got a diagram of dysentery: plague of the west, and Mabel and I didn't get anything.

"They know too much! Don't let them escape!" Blind Ivan said, as everyone else advanced on us.

"Get _this_ song out of your head!" Wendy said, hitting two of them on the head with the banjo.

"Dysentery's gonna get you, dawg." Soos said, chasing someone around with the dysentery diagram who was stupid enough to be afraid of the diagram. Dipper ran over and got McGucket's memory tube while everyone was distracted, but one of them came up.

"Oh no you don't." The Skull Fracture bouncer guy said, raising a fist to punch Dipper. Dipper put the tube in the nearby pipe as it shot through and the bouncer guy punched, but missed Dipper as his hand got stuck in the wall.

"Mabel! Catch!" Dipper yelled, as the memory tube came out right next to her. Mabel tried to get it, but the farmer guy got it before her.

"I'll take that, thank you." The farmer guy said, running off, before being stopped by Soos. "Give it up, boy. You're no match for the unstoppable power of— AH!" The farmer guy said, interrupting himself as Mabel used a tube to suck his robe off, revealing nothing but a hairy body. "That's right. I don't wear nothing under my robe. Not gonna apologize for that. Maybe y'all should apologize for being a bunch of prudes!"

"Ew!"

"Well, time to erase that forever." Soos said, pointing the ray at his head before Blind Ivan shoved him down and grabbed the ray from him.

"Give me that tube." Blind Ivan said.

"Never!" Dipper said, tossing the tube up into one of the overhead pipes as it zipped along. Dipper and Blind Ivan both began chasing after the tube. "That memory belongs to McGucket!"

"The society's secrets belong to us!" Blind Ivan said.

"MY memories belong to ME." I added, as we all ran for the tube. Blind Ivan tripped Dipper, and I got in a cramp in my side from running at top speed, forcing me to slow down, as Blind Ivan caught the tube that came out at the end.

"End of the line." Blind Ivan said, pointing the memory ray at us. "By tomorrow this will all seem like a bad dream. Say goodbye to your precious memories." Blind Ivan shot the ray at us, but McGucket blocked the ray just in time.

"McGucket. You took a bullet for me." Dipper said, as another ray was fired at McGucket. "Oh my gosh! Are you okay?"

"Okay as I'll ever be!" McGucket said, advancing on Blind Ivan.

"What?" Dipper said. Blind Ivan began blasting the ray at McGucket repeatedly, with each blast having absolutely no effect.

Blind Ivan began talking, punctuating each word with another blast to McGucket. "Why…" Blast. "Isn't…" Blast. "This…" Blast. "Working?" Blast.

"Hit me with your best shot, baldie." McGucket said. Another blast. "But my mind's been gone for 30 odd years." Another blast. "You can't break what's already broken!" Blast. Blast. Yet another blast, when McGucket finally reached Blind Ivan and knocked the ray out of his hand and grabbed him by the collar of his robe. "Say goodnight Sally!" McGucket said, headbutting Blind Ivan hard enough for him to pass out as he dropped the memory tube, which rolled over to Dipper's feet.

 **~I remember now! Time skip brought to you by: "Hey, why does my beard have a bandage? Does that even make sense? Why has no one pointed that out?"~**

After we gathered up the society members, blasted them with the memory ray, ushered them out of the museum, and gave Blind Ivan a new name, we went back inside the museum and got ready to put McGucket's memory tube in the memory-displaying TV.

"Alright, McGucket. Are you ready to see your memories? Find out who you really are?" Dipper said.

"Eh, I'm not so sure. What if I don't like what I see?" McGucket said.

"We've come all this way." Mabel said. "Go on." McGucket walked up to the TV and put the memory tube in the slot. The TV powered up to show a man in front of a bunch of a bunch of papers on the wall behind him, showing 'Day 1' in the corner.

 _"My name is Fiddleford Hadron McGucket, and I wish to unsee what I have seen."_ A much younger McGucket said on the TV.

"Sweet sasparilla." McGucket said."

 _"For the past year, I have been working as an assistant for a visiting researcher. He has been cataloging his findings about Gravity Falls in a series of journals."_ The younger McGucket continued. _"I helped him build a machine that he believed had the potential to benefit all mankind. But something went wrong. I decided to quit the project. But I lie awake at night, haunted by the thoughts of what I've done. I believe I have invented a machine that can permanently erase these memories from my mind. Test subject one: Fiddleford."_ The young McGucket said, pointing the ray at himself and firing it. The next minute showed McGucket's down spiral to insanity.

'Day 5'

 _"It worked. I can't recall a thing!"_

'Day 22'

 _"I call it the Society of the Blind Eye. We will help those who want to forget by erasing their bad memories.'_

'Day 74'

 _"Today I came across a colony of little men. Very disturbing. I would like to forget seeing this."_

'Day 189'

 _"I accidentally hit another car in town today. I feel terribibble. Te-t-terrible. I've been forgetting words lately. I wonder if there are any negative side effects of—"_

'Day 273'

 _"I saw something in the lake. Something big!"_

'Day 618'

 _"My hair's been-a falling out, so I got this hat from a scarecrow. Hey, are my pants on backwards?"_

'Day ?'

 _"Ah ha ha ha ha! Yroo Xrksvi! Girzmtov! Whoo-hoo-hoo-ha! Hoo hoo ha ha!"_

And just like that, the screen cut to static.

"Oh, McGucket. I'm so sorry." Mabel said.

"Aw, hush. You kids helped me get my memories back, just like you said." McGucket said.

"But… did you _want_ those memories back?" Mabel said.

"After all these years, I finally know who I am. Maybe I messed up in the past, but now that I've seen what happened, I can begin to put myself together again." McGucket said, slapping carious places around his body again.

"Still don't know what that means." Dipper said. "So, wait. You weren't the author, but you worked with him. Do you remember who he was?"

"It's beginning to come back, but I need more time. And reading glasses! Heck." McGucket said, picking up some glasses on the table and putting them on. One of the lenses fell out and shattered on the floor. "I got some remembering to do."

"So, Mabel. Do you still want to erase those failed summer romances?" Wendy said, pulling out the memory ray gun.

"You know, no one likes having bad memories, but maybe it's better to remember the bad things and learn from them than to go all denial crazy trying to forget." Mabel said.

"That's some mature junk right there, Mabel." Wendy said.

"Yup. Ms. Mature, that's me." Mabel said. "Hey. You wanna help me vandalize this picture of my jerky ex-crush?"

Everyone proceeded to do just that, drawing all over the poster of Gabe.

"Well, this has been fun. And… a bit shocking for me in particular." I said. "But I think it's time for me to go now." I opened up the portal back home while everyone else walked out of the museum.


	28. Blendin's Game

**Chapter 28: Blendin's Game**

I wish I could've gone on my weekly adventure last week, and to make up for it, I wanted to do two adventures this week, but my life has been getting a little hectic lately. I'm even 40 minutes late on my adventure that I was supposed to have last week.

Actually, that's an understatement. I have been busy with homework the entire week this week, and I've been doing almost everything I can to catch up on my adventures—including sleep deprivation. But that is like a piece of styrofoam falling on my head compared to what's next.

Ladies and gentlemen, what I am about to tell you is quite possibly the biggest event to have happened to me in my entire life.

Since my last adventure, I had received an anonymous note that was on my usual spot in class. I opened it and the first couple words were swears directed at me. I stopped reading it after that and crumpled it up. At the end of the day, I went to the bathroom and lit the note on fire with a match I had. After it was about two thirds burnt, I blew on it to put out the fire and threw it in the trash can and left.

As it turns out, the fire wasn't fully extinguished and it lit the paper towels in the trash on fire. I was called in the next day and told about the fire. A custodian had walked in the bathroom after I left and saw the fire, and it was put out before any damage to anything was done, with the exception of very minimal damage to the trash can itself. Of course, that didn't mean I got off scott free. I was given three days suspension, although it should be worth noting that they did realize and understand that it wasn't intentional for that fire to start.

Think it's over yet? Nope. As it turns out, I have to go to court for this, and I'm being charged with a misdemeanor. Based on how things go at court, which is on May 14th, the judge could dismiss the case… or have me arrested.

Everyone makes mistakes, but not everyone makes mistakes so big they could get arrested for it. I can safely say that this is the biggest (and probably stupidest) mistake of my life.

Please don't judge me for this mistake. Someone else will be doing that already, anyway. I'm not trying to be funny, either. If I don't update anything after May 14th for a while, then I was arrested.

Wish me luck.

I walked through the portal and outside, I saw Dipper and Mabel hitting each other with some kind of bat while laughing. I walked outside and caught the twins' attention.

"What are you two doing?" I said, laughing.

"We're having loads of fun! Bap." Mabel said, hitting me with her bat. It didn't hurt at all and felt like a toy.

"Yes, I can see that." I chuckled.

"I am getting kinda hungry though." Mabel said.

"Wanna get some candy from the vending machine?" Dipper said.

"Yeah!" Mabel said as we went inside. Dipper put a quarter in the vending machine and typed in a code as the bag of Yumberjacks began to come.

"Candy! Candy! Candy!" Dipper and Mabel said, when the bag got caught in the machine and was stuck.

"No! It's trapped!" Dipper said.

"Everything is terrible forever." Mabel said.

"Pst. Hey, dudes. Wanna know a trick? Bibbity bop. Wop." Soos said, hitting the vending machine in a specific way to make the door open. "A genius taught me that once. This just in, weather stations are calling for a candy blizzard!" Soos said, taking a bunch of candy out and tossing it in the air above us as it fell down on us and we caught most of it.

"Forget taking off the wrappers. I'm eating these now!" Mabel said, shoving the entire handful of candy into her mouth.

"Soos, you are the greatest human ever to live." Dipper said as Mabel choked on the still wrapped candy in her mouth.

"Hey. No sweat, dude. I'd do anything for the Pines family." Soos said, taking out his wallet and putting some quarters into the machine.

"Soos! I need to scratch myself in two places at once!" Stan called from the other room.

"I mean anything. Coming, Mr. Pines!" Soos said, leaving the room, and leaving his wallet.

"Whoa. Better make sure he gets his wallet back." Dipper said, picking it up as Mabel stopped choking on the candy.

"Wait. We've never seen Soos' wallet before." Mabel said. "Don't you wanna learn some Soos secrets?"

"I don't know if we should be- whoa! Soos has a membership to laser tag?" Dipper said, spotting a card in Soos' wallet and taking it out. "I didn't know they let grownups in there."

"And look! Emergency salami!" Mabel said, pulling said salami out of the wallet. "Soos. My respect for you has grown."

"'Jesus Alzamirano Ramirez. Organ donor. Birthday July 13th.'" Dipper said, reading off of Soos' driver's license. "Wait a minute. That's today."

"Whoa." Mabel said.

"That's weird. I wonder why he didn't tell anyone." Dipper said.

"Uh, duh. Probably because he wants someone to throw him a surprise party." Mabel said. I opened my mouth to say that it might not be a good idea, but I was unintentionally cut off by Mabel. "I can relate. I've been waiting for a surprise party my whole life."

"Surprise!" Candy said, throwing some confetti over Mabel's head.

"Too little too late, Chu." Mabel said.

"Aw." Candy said, leaving.

 **~Time skip brought to you by: The biggest mistake I've ever made. I'm not a pyromaniac; I swear!~**

"More exclamation points! More, I say!" Mabel said as Grenda was putting several exclamation points after the message 'It's your birthday, yo!' on a banner.

"Wow. You guys thought of everything." Grenda said.

"Grenda, twins are born birthday experts." Mabel said.

"I don't think Soos would—" I started, but was cut off again.

"We've shared every birthday together, so we know how to make it perfect." Dipper said as the twins exchanged what appeared to be a secret birthday high five. "Hey! Places everyone! I hear footsteps." Dipper said as we hid.

"Everyone be QUIET!" Grenda said.

"Alright. You promised me a giant hummingbird, so I'm expecting to see a giant hummingbird." Soos said as Candy led him around the corner with a blindfold on.

"3, 2, 1…" Candy said, taking off Soos' blindfold.

"Surprise!" We shouted.

"Happy birthday, you king on earth. We got everything you love: cake-flavored pizza, pizza-flavored cake, and one more treat." Mabel said, as a curtain pulled back to reveal Toby Determined in a suit and dancing.

"Razzle dazzle, friends, it's me! The razz dazzler." Toby said. "This is what my life has become."

"Quick! Everyone pose for the birthday smiles memory album." Mabel said as we gathered around Soos and Mabel took a picture of us. The picture came out of the camera, and when the photo cleared up, it showed everyone smiling… except Soos, who had a deep frown.

"Soos, what's wrong?" Dipper said.

"It's, uh… it's nothing. I, uh… I gotta go fix a pipe or something." Soos said, leaving.

"Whoa. Did you guys see Soos? What happened to— oh no. Oh no no." Wendy said, coming around the corner with Stan. I also noticed the new bandage around Stan's right hand. "Okay. You guys didn't know, so it's not your fault—"

"I like that line of reasoning." I said.

"—but Soos _hates_ his birthday." Wendy said.

"What?" Dipper and Mabel said.

"I tried to tell you." I said.

"Didn't try very hard then." Dipper said.

"…Touché." I said.

"It's a total mystery. Guess he's been like this since he was a kid." Wendy said. "Some weird personal biz."

"There's gotta be _something_ we can do." Mabel said.

"We've tried everything." Wendy said.

"I even petitioned the government to have this day removed from calendars. Now I'm not allowed on airplanes." Stan said.

"Aww, you _do_ care about your employees." I said, teasing him.

"What? No I don't!" Stan said.

"We know the truth." I said. We peeked around the corner and saw Soos staring at a postcard.

"I don't know, guys. Maybe we should just leave him alone." Wendy said.

"No one should be alone on their birthday. There's gotta be a way to cheer him up." Dipper said. "We just need to try harder."

"You're right, Dipper! It's time for us to bring out the big guns." Mabel said.

"Pun intended?" I said.

"Yep." Mabel said as we walked over to Soos.

"Alright, Soos! It's time to put that blindfold back on because we have another surprise for you!" Dipper said.

 **~Time skip brought to you by: 20/20/20/20 mode on FNAF!~**

"Alright, guys. Blindfold me once, shame on you. Blindfold me twice…" Soos said, pausing as he heard, smelled, and felt the surroundings that he couldn't see. "Wait a minute. Hot dog smell? Sticky floors? Future sounds?" Soos said, taking off the blindfold. "Laser tag? I love laser tag. How'd you guys know?"

"Um, we definitely didn't rifle through your wallet." Mabel said, laughing nervously.

"Are these walls just mattresses spray-painted purple?" Wendy said.

"I think this place used to be a mattress store." Stan said.

"Uh, I don't know, guys. I'm not sure I'm up for this today." Soos said.

"Don't worry, Soos. As soon as you start playing with us, you're gonna have a great time." Dipper said as we got our laser tag gear.

"We promise whatever happens, we won't leave your side." Mabel said.

"Well, I guess we could give it a shot." Soos said.

 _"Prepare for laser battle in 3, 2—"_ The voice never said '1' as instead, an air horn sounded as the doors opened. The others went in first, then Dipper, Mabel and I went next, but instead of going into the laser tag arena, a white room appeared in a way I'm not quite sure how to describe it, which the twins and I went into instead of the laser tag arena. Soos ended up staying behind to tie his shoe.

"Whoa. This is even cooler than I imagined. Look how real these laser guys are!" Mabel said, walking up to one of the guys and kicking him in the… um… _unmentionables_.

 _"Kick deflected! Thank you for buying DigiCon, the smart Con piece."_ The suit said, flashing.

"Wait, what?" Mabel said.

"Oh no! Soos!" Dipper said as the opening to the room closed. "Soos!" Dipper said as Mabel ran up and kicked at the wall.

"Nice try, but that's solid time-tanium, kid. There's only one way out of here."

"Through me!" Blendin said, as we looked and saw a floating head and hands. "Oh, um… sorry. Come on… through me!" Blendin said, messing with his watch as his suit changed before the camouflage turned off. "And that's what it would've been like if I had just gotten it right the very first chance but it's still as effective."

"The time traveler guy! What did you say your name was again? Blendo? Blandin?" Mabel said, when Dipper snapped his fingers.

"Blarblar." Dipper said.

"There it is." Mabel said.

"Guys, it's Blendin." I said.

"At least you remember!" Blendin said, pointing at me. "I'm Blendin! Blendin Blenjamin Blandin. How could the other two of you not know my name when you were the main ones responsible for ruining my life? Initiate flashback!" Blendin said, pushing a button on his watch as said flashback appeared on a holographic screen. "It was after you stole my time device to win your stupid pig. I was cast out of the Time Anomaly Removal Crew, my whole life's purpose. Then I was given 10² life sentences in sh-time prison. I spent every day since then planning my vengeance. And now finally, it has come!"

"Look, we're sorry about all that, but we're in the middle of something really important right now." Dipper said.

"It's our friend's birthday today and we promised we wouldn't leave his side." Mabel said.

"What? You think some dumb birthday matters right now? Do you know where you are?" Blendin said. "Welcome to Globnar!" Blendin said as the other side of the room opened up to reveal an arena where several people were fighting.

"Is this a reality show? Are we in Japan?" Mabel said.

"It's gladiatorial time combat! The winner gets a precious time wish, and then decides the loser's fate!" Blendin said. "And the three of you are officially challenged. Dungren! Get me my war paint."

"Pfft. I'm not worried." I said.

"Dipper, we need a way out of here, but how?" Mabel said as Dipper looked at the time travel tape on one of the guys' belts.

"I have an idea." Dipper said.

"Hang in there, Soos. We're coming for you." Mabel said. Dipper whispered the plan to Mabel, who walked up to one of the guys. "Oh my stars! Could it be? My little, um… Lolphie! It's me, your great great great great great great great grandmother! From the past times." Mabel said. Lolph looked skeptical for a second, before his face softened up.

"Gam-gam?" Lolph said. Meanwhile, Dipper quietly grabbed the time tape off of his belt.

"Yeah, neon green is good, this is a good color for me. It's fierce— OH! Wha- no!" Blendin said, spotting Dipper. "You can't let them escape! Stop them!" Blendin said, as him and the other guy, Dungren, tripped on each other and we began running.

"Gam-gam, how could you?" Lolph said.

"I ain't no one's gam-gam, sucka! You just got time tricked!" Mabel said.

"No!"

"No!"

"Hurry! Back to Soos' birthday!" Mabel said.

"Okay! I think I've got it!" Dipper said, pulling the tape as we linked arms and went back to the past into a mattress store. We landed on a bed.

"Ugh. Are we back?" Mabel said.

"Oh no, look!" Dipper said. "Mabel, the laser place is a mattress store! We went too far in the past!"

"Time travel. Man! Why you gotta be so complicated?!" Mabel said when the others came into the past close to us and we hid under the bed we were on.

"Looks like they overshot their destination by ten years." Dungren said.

"I don't see them. You better find those kids!" Blendin said.

"You'll get your justice, Blendin." Lolph said.

"I'm gonna keep stammering until you find them." Blendin said. "I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I…"

"I hate that guy." Lolph said.

"Let's move." Dungren said as the three of them left.

"Okay. We just gotta go forward 10 years. We can be back before Soos even realizes we were gone." Dipper said.

"Not quite yet." I said, picking up the now broken time tape. "We need to go to the Mystery Shack first and fix this."

 **~Time skip brought to you by: the word "time" being implemented into nearly everything in the year** **207̃012** **!~**

After we got to the Mystery Shack, after a run-in with a young Wendy and Tambry and telling Dipper that age difference isn't that big a deal, we climbed in the window and Dipper began working on fixing the tape.

"Aw, come on candy. Fall. Fall." A young kid said, standing at the vending machine.

"Allow me. You just need to know a guy on the inside. Bibbity-boop. Wop. Jackpot!" Mabel said, hitting the vending machine in a specific way—the exact same way that Soos did in the future/present—and taking out some candy. As it turns out, that kid was a young Soos.

"Thanks, dawg! You must be some kind of genius." Soos said, taking the candy.

This event created what is known as a 'casual loop': information that Person A gives to Person B, who travels back in time and gives that same information to the younger version of Person A, while there are no external sources of that information whatsoever, causing the information to appear out of literally nowhere. It is a time paradox, and I didn't want to interfere, since it would've created a time paradox _within_ a time paradox, and could've possibly caused the entire universe to implode. Then again, if such an event would cause the universe to implode, it probably would've happened already, but I didn't want to risk it.

"Alright. I think I've got this thing working." Dipper said, when Mabel ran over to him.

"Dipper, Dipper. Look!" Mabel said, turning Dipper's head to look at the young Soos.

"No. Way." Dipper said.

" _Mi precioso_. You keep wandering off." Abuelita said. "You don't want to be late for your big day."

"Sorry, Abuelita." Soos said.

"'Big day'? This could be the birthday where that personal biz went down." Mabel said.

"It is." I said.

"We could finally find out why Soos hates his birthday." Mabel said.

"Alright, but let's be quick." Dipper said.

 **~Time skip brought to you by: H.O.M.E.W.O.R.K.: Half Of My Energy Wasted On Random Knowledge.~**

We headed over to Soos' house and began watching the party from a distance.

"Who's a handsome birthday boy?" One lady said, talking to young Soos.

"It's you!" Another lady said, pinching Soos' cheek.

"Soos, you are such a ladies' man." Abuelita said.

"They're my cousins, grandma. Gross." Soos said.

"I got you a racecar cake." Abuelita said, opening the box she was holding to reveal a cake inside that was decidedly racecar themed.

"Man, I don't know why Soos hates his birthday. This looks great." Dipper said.

"Wait for it." I said.

Meanwhile, while Soos was licking the frosting off of the racecar from the cake that he took off, another kid sat down in a seat at the table. "Uh, sorry dude, but could you move seats? That's the seat of honor." Soos said.

"Uh, who's it for?" The kid asked.

"Oh, heh heh. It's for my dad, actually. I haven't seen him in, like, 8 years. But he's coming today!" Soos said, when the doorbell rang. "That must be him!" Soos said as he got out of the chair. Dipper and Mabel looked at each other, then at me, and we snuck around the house and look in through the window as Soos answered the door.

"Postcard for… Soos." The mailman said, handing Soos a postcard.

"'Sorry champ. Couldn't make it this year. Real busy again. See you next year for sure! –Dad'." Soos said, reading the postcard.

"Hey. Don't sweat it, cous'." A kid said. "You'll see him next year."

"Heh, yeah. Next year." Soos said, taking out a box full of similar postcards and putting the card in.

"Ah, I'm gonna go lay down. You party without me, dudes." Soos said, leaving the room.

"Wait! What about your presents?" Abuelita said, hitting a key on a keyboard that was in its wrapper.

"So that's why Soos hates his birthday. It's the day he realized his dad wasn't coming back." Dipper said.

"So, how much partying can fix that?" Mabel said. I was about to reply when I got squirted in the face with water.

"Ha ha! Dorks. Young Robbie!" Robbie said; about 7 years old at this point.

I stood up and held Robbie in place while I took his water gun away. I then squirted him with his own water gun before dumping the rest of the water out and handing it back to him. I did all of this with a neutral expression on my face.

"That felt satisfying." I said.

We headed over to another window of the house, and watched Soos sitting on his bed as Abuelita tried to offer him some cookies.

"Oh, this is awful!" Mabel said.

"We promised Soos a happy birthday, but how can we give him that now?" Dipper said. "This goes beyond anything we know how to fix."

"This way!" Blendin said around the corner.

"Guys, hide!" Dipper said.

"They've gotta be around here somewhere. I-I think I heard them!" Blendin said.

"Freeze!" Lolph said, shooting a tree and vaporizing it. Young Robbie wasn't behind the tree, so I figured he was probably refilling his water gun. "Trace their chrono signatures."

"Man. The sooner I defeat those kids in Globnar, the sooner I can get my time wish." Blendin said.

"Tell you what I'd do if I had a time wish. Retire early, spend more time with the kids." Dungren said.

"Nya nya nya nya nya- with the kids! Don't you know a time wish can literally do anything?" Blendin said. "Any impossible problem solved, just like that? Imagine the possibilities!"

"Mabel, Nathan, that's it. The time wish!" Dipper said. "We defeat Blendin in that space battle…"

"…Then we can wish Soos' dad came to his 12th birthday!" Mabel said.

"Then Soos' birthdays would be fixed forever." Dipper said. "All of them!"

"But do you really think we can win Globnar?" Mabel said.

"Without me here, you two would win anyway, so with me here, it'll be a cinch." I said. "It's Globgor time! Er, Globnar. Sorry. I was thinking of another TV show I like." Dipper, Mabel and I nodded our heads and we walked out from our hiding place.

"Here we are, Blendin. We surrender." Dipper said.

"It's them!" Blendin said.

"Freeze!" Dungren said, pointing his futuristic gun at us.

"Careful, they're from the past. They might have powder muskets or slap bracelets!" Lolph said, also pointing his futuristic gun at us.

"Geez; don't you guys know what the word 'surrender' means?" I said.

"Look, guys. No tricks this time." Dipper said. "We're ready to challenge you, okay?"

"Yes! Let the Globnar begin! Prepare… for… GLOBNAAAAA—" Blendin said, before a green mute icon appeared over him and sound stopped coming out of his mouth and Blendin gained a look of confusion.

"Hey, it turns out I can mute him." Lolph said.

"Man, I wish we'd known that earlier." Dungren said.

"Initializing!" Lolph said, pressing a button on his wrist as we were transported back to the year 207̃012. We were transported into the middle of a huge stadium with the crowd chanting when Time Baby appeared.

"SILENCE." Time Baby said, as the crowd turned silent immediately. The one person who didn't quiet down was vaporized by Time Baby.

"That is one big baby." Mabel said.

"Welcome, Globnar tributes. I have a very important nap to get to, so let's make this quick." Time Baby said. "You each have a chance to settle your time feud through gladiatorial combat.

"You will have until Time Baby finishes drinking the cosmic sand in this hourglass." A robot said, trying to feed Time Baby the cosmic sand that was in an hourglass shaped baby cup while Time Baby whined about it.

"Get ready kids! When I get that time wish, you'll wish you were never born!" Blendin said. "Or, rather, you'll wish you were born, because I'm gonna wish you were never born!" _'You can't wish for anything if you don't exist, though.'_

"Dream on. There's three of us." Dipper said.

"And we have hair!" Mabel said.

"Oh-oh, yeah? Well I have training!" Blendin said, expertly spinning a spear around before pointing it at us. "What do you think I did in prison all that time?"

"Uh oh." Mabel said.

"Don't worry; we got this." I said.

"Let the Globnar… BEGIN!" Time Baby said. A scoreboard powered on, showing Blendin on one side with 0 points, and me, Dipper and Mabel on the other side with 0 points. A buzzer sounded, and Globnar began.

 **~Time skip brought to you by: over 1,500 challenges which are ultimately meaningless since the winner of the final round is the winner of the entire game.~**

We did challenge after challenge, hour after hour. Some of the challenges were glorified versions of already-existing games, many of which aren't even aggressive, such as a giant version of jenga and a time dog (hot dog) eating contest. Others were simple games turned deadly, such as time chess, which was like regular chess, but we got attacked by a cy-clocks in the middle of it. Others still were games that were brand new to us, such as that one game where we had to run from Blendin running atop a giant clock and trying not to get run over by said clock, and a race through an obstacle course with moving obstacles that randomly sped up or slowed down. When all was said and done, Time Baby addressed us.

"Very good. You have escaped the cy-clocks." Time Baby said.

"Yes! Blendin for the almost-win!" Blendin said, looking at the scoreboard. Blendin had 772 points, while Dipper, Mabel and I had 757 points. I may have accidentally caused us to lose some challenges that we otherwise would have won. I did, however, also cause us to win some challenges that we otherwise would have lost.

"There is only one final challenge for Globnar. An ancient game thousands of years old, chosen for its exemplification of pure strategy." Time Baby said. "The ancient art… OF LASER TAG!" A laser tag arena materialized around us and gear on us and a bright gold orb at one spot. "The one who touches the victory orb first will win!" Time Baby said.

"Laser tag? Seriously?" Dipper said.

"Oh, I know it doesn't seem that challenging now, but just wait 'till they turn on that fog machine." Blendin said. "You'll be done for. You just wait until you—"

 _"Hit!"_ Blendin's gear sounded out as Dipper shot him with a laser. _"Hit! Hit! Hit! Hit!"_

"Aw, man." Blendin said.

"Mabel! Grab the orb!" Dipper said.

"Got it!" Mabel said, putting her hand on the orb as she ran up to it and light flashed brightly.

"It is finished!" Time Baby said, as he finished his cosmic sand, before being burped as the crowd cheered. I felt a vibration in the floor from the burp. Our score rocketed up to 999 points, the maximum, as Blendin panicked and the twins and I celebrated.

"You have made victory of Globnar." Time Baby said as he floated over to us. "Before I give you your time wish, tell us: What fate do you decide for the loser?"

"DEATH!" Mabel yelled.

"Mabel!" Dipper and I said.

"Sorry. Got carried away." Mabel said.

"So, Blendin did try to wish us out of existence, but it was kind of our fault for ruining his life." Dipper said.

"Yeah, and he's kind of too sad to be a real bad guy." Mabel said.

"Really, he's more of a victim of circumstance instead of an actual criminal." I said.

"Maybe if we treat him right in the present, he'll turn out better in the future." Dipper said, before we turned to Time Baby. "Okay. As long as you keep an eye on him, we'd like to set Blendin free. And restore his position at the Time Anomaly Correction Unit."

"And give him pretty hair!" Mabel added.

"So be it!" Time Baby said.

"What?" Blendin said, as the cuffs around his wrists deactivated. "Y-you'd do that for me?" Blendin said, as some hair spontaneously grew on his bald head.

"Consider it our apology for ruining your life." I said.

"I got my job back! I feel like hugging somebody!" Blendin cheered.

"I can kill you in eight different ways." Lolph said.

"Yes, sir." Blendin said.

"Now, children. What is it that you want for your time wish?" Time Baby said, as said time wish floated down towards us.

"Thank you, but the wish… isn't for us." Mabel said.

 **~Time skip brought to you by: From here on out, in recording my adventures, I'm going to try to say '"Quote" Character said.' less and use other words instead of 'said'. Not sure why I started here, though…~**

We appeared in the laser tag place with Blendin, who brought us back, and Soos, who was still here the whole time. Time around us seems to have stopped. "Soos!"

"Guys!" Soos replied.

"We're _so_ sorry we left you hanging, dude." Dipper apologized. "We got caught up in this time travel junk."

"And there was a time cyclops." Mabel continued.

"And don't forget about the…"

"Time race." Dipper and Mabel said simultaneously.

"But the point is, Soos, I think we know how to fix your birthday." Mabel said.

"Whoa, really? Wait. You guys did all of that… for me?" Soos asked.

"And that's not all. Behold; your time wish!" Blendin added, pushing a button on his watch as the time wish appeared. "The power to alter time, paradox-free, in any way you choose."

"We think that the only thing that can make you happy is meeting your dad…" Dipper began.

"But the choice is yours." Mabel finished.

"You mean I could finally see my dad, just by touching this thing?" Soos asked. "And you guys battled through time and space just to get this for me?"

"What are you waiting for, Soos?" Dipper said.

"Alright. Here goes nothing!" Soos proclaimed, touching the orb as a bright flash of light enveloped the area. After a few seconds, light spun around me, Dipper and Mabel as we were healed from our battle scars. The tiredness I felt from staying up all night also began to leave. "Bam. Fixed you up. Enjoy, dudes!" Soos said.

"But, Soos, what about meeting your dad?" Dipper asked.

"Well… birthdays are supposed to be spent with the people who care about you. But you know what? That dude didn't care enough about me to visit me once, let alone fight monsters through time and space like you dudes." Soos began. "I mean, you did a gladiator fight just to make me happy. I've been being ridiculous this whole time. Whoever my dad was, he can take a hike. I know who my family is now, and it's you dudes. Thanks for giving me the best birthday ever."

"Are you _kidding_ me?! Do you know how many have died to get a time wish?!" Blendin exclaimed. "The-the wars that were started?!"

"Oh, that's not all, dudes. I also wished for this slice of infinite pizza. Watch." Soos continued, showing us a piece of pizza. Soos took a bite out of the pizza, and after a second, the portion that Soos ate was magically restored. "And it can do that for, like, infinity." Soos explained as we said our agreements. "There's still 10 minutes before laser tag closes. You dudes wanna play?" Soos offered.

"Yeah." Dipper replied as we went in and time resumed itself.

"Happy birthday, Soos." We said.

10 minutes later and it was time for me to leave again. But I didn't have any intention to wait a full week before my next adventure. No; I decided I'd go again tomorrow if at all possible. If not, then as soon as it is possible.


	29. The Love God

**Chapter 29: The Love God**

Life never does go the way you plan it, does it? Instead of going the day after my last adventure, like I planned, I couldn't go until another week after. I think I may just have to accept that I'm a week behind my planned schedule for adventures and live with it.

Other than that though, it's been another uneventful week.

I walked through the portal again and was transported to the graveyard where the twins and the other teenagers (minus Robbie) were looking at clouds.

"Hey, Nathan! Glad you made it. We were worried you wouldn't show." Wendy greeted.

"'Sup?" I replied. "Oh, cool, a cloud shaped like a star." I said casually.

"Whoa. That one looks like a chipmunk!" Mabel exclaimed, when an airplane flew through the cloud exactly where the mouth would be.

"Barfing an airplane." Wendy added as we laughed.

"Uh, that cloud looks like, uh, a cloud." Thompson said, pointing at a cloud that looked a lot like a waffle. Everyone else booed.

"What? Thompson. Stop being the worst at everything." Wendy half-joked.

"Heh heh. Sorry guys." Thompson apologized.

"Looking at clouds." Mabel continued. "Ooh, that one looks like a big heart-shaped balloon."

"Clouds don't come in colors. That _is_ a balloon." Dipper noted.

"Oh, dude, it's the Woodstick Festival." Wendy said.

"Wait. The wood what?" Dipper asked.

"It's this annual outdoor concert featuring Oregon's upcoming indie bands." Wendy explained, taking Tambry's phone and showing us. "They're all coming. Scarves Indoors, Wood Grain on Everything, The Love God—you've probably seen him in that viral video." Said video began to play on the phone, showing a rather comical scene.

"Whoa. Like, a real concert-concert?" Dipper asked. "I've, uh… I've never actually been to one of those before."

"Me neither." I added.

"That's because you've never had an awesome crew to roll with before." Wendy said, pointing to Nate and Lee encouraging Thompson to lick a rather disgusting sponge and he did so. "When you're with us, you're in."

The moment was interrupted by a loud moan echoing through the air.

"Ghostly sounds! Cemetery ghostly sounds!" Mabel said.

"It's coming from that open grave." Wendy noted as we walked towards the source.

"You look."

"No, you look!"

"Thompson, go look." Dipper told him.

"Nice use of Thompson." Nate said, pushing Thompson forward.

"Gaze upon death. Gaze upon death. Gaze upon death. Gaze upon death. Gaze upon death." We chanted, as Thompson slowly approached the grave, and screamed when he looked inside as we walked up.

"Ugh. It's even creepier than I expected." Tambry said. Inside the open grave was Robbie mourning over the breakup with Wendy.

"Why did she leave me?" Robbie moaned.

"Robbie?" Wendy questioned.

"WENDY! Oh, uh, heh heh." Robbie panicked, scrambling to look like he was being casual. "Hey. What's up? Just, uh, hanging out in this grave, y'know, regular. Regular day for me."

"Whoa, dude. We haven't seen you in, like, a million years. Where have you been?" Lee said.

"You're not still mourning our breakup, are you?" Wendy asked.

"What? No way." Robbie replied, as he tried to discretely hide the picture of Wendy he had out.

"Robbie, we split up forever ago." Wendy continued. "It's really sweet that you'd throw yourself into a grave for me, but man, time to move on."

"What? I've totally moved on!" Robbie said. Right then, his phone rang, and his ringtone was a song he wrote about how he'll never move on from Wendy. Robbie fished it out of his pocket and threw it behind him, shattering it against a tombstone. "That was a different Wendy. Unrelated Wendy."

"Dude, this is getting really awkward." Lee whispered.

"Yeah. The cemetery used to be fun. Now it's just depressing." Tambry added. We began leaving, but Mabel looked back at the depressed Robbie.

"Wait, you guys! He's in pain. We can't just ditch him here." Mabel said.

"Come on, Mabel. It's Robbie." Dipper pointed out.

"But he's _suffering_." Mabel countered. "How can _I_ be happy if I know someone else is sad? It totally throws off my happiness chart." Mabel pulled out a piece of paper with all of our faces on it and a smiling sticker next to each of them except Robbie's, as Mabel put a frowning sticker next to his.

"Not _everyone_ can be happy, Mabel." I said. "Although, it _is_ nice of you to try and keep everyone happy."

"Yeah. And trust me. If there's one thing I've learned this summer, it's not to get mixed up in needless romantic drama." Dipper told her. "Besides; we're finally in with Wendy's friends. With Robbie gone, there's a good social balance. Maybe we should just let a good thing be, you know?"

 **~Time skip brought to you by: Trying to use fewer time skips.~**

"Oh, man. I'm sorry you guys had to see that." Wendy said.

"You know what Robbie needs? A new girl." Mabel stated. "Romance is like gum: once it's lost its flavor, you just cram another one in."

"That is wrong on so many levels." I said.

"Mabel, it's not that easy." Wendy replied.

"It is if you're the world's greatest matchmaker. I've _never_ had an unhappy customer! Like Soos and Melody." Mabel said, gesturing over at Soos and Melody talking through video chat. "Match made! Then of course, there's Waddles and Gompers." Mabel continued, pointing at Waddles and Gompers in homemade wedding attire and duct taped together. "Match made."

"That might work for a goat and a pig, but Robbie's a hopeless case." Wendy said.

"Sort of like me, I suppose…" I mumbled quietly.

"Hopeless case, _eh_?" Mabel said.

"Um, should we be worried about this?" Dipper whispered to me.

"Nah, don't worry. Everything will turn out perfectly fine." I replied. "It'll be a bit of a bumpy ride, but it'll turn out just fine in the end." After I said this, I decided to go watch Stan outside. Dipper followed, wondering what was about to happen that I was going to watch.

"Puttin' a rainbow wig on a big white gorilla." Stan sang to himself, sowing a rainbow wig on a taxidermy white gorilla, when the wind picked up, blowing the wig off. "What the-? Oh no. Hot air balloons? Fixed gear bikes?!… Folk music! It's the Woodstick Festival! Soos! Lock down the shack and hide my shirts before anyone tie dyes them!" Stan panicked, going through a trunk full of weapons and pulling out a crossbow, taking aim. "They're slow. I can probably take a few down."

"Wait, Mr. Pines!" Soos yelled, forcing the arrow to shoot low, hitting a tree. "I've been thinking. Every year, this festival comes by, and every year, you shun what could be potential customers."

"You really think I could make money off of these freeloading, kale munching freak shows?" Stan asked.

"Well, he make money off of everyone _else_." I pointed out.

"True, true." Dipper nodded.

"You just gotta figure out what appeals to them." Soos said.

"Hm. How do I appeal to young people?" Stan asked himself, before glancing up. "So young people are into hot air balloons, _eh_? Soos! Get some bedsheets and curtains! We're gonna make a balloon."

"Should we be worried about _this_?" Dipper asked.

"…Maybe." I told him.

"Hi guys, bye guys!" Mabel yelled as she ran past us out of the shack at top speed.

"What's she doing?" Dipper questioned.

"Matchmaking." I answered simply.

"Of course she is." Dipper sighed, a good-natured smile appearing as he shook his head slightly. "So, anyway, while we're waiting for the concert later on, I was wanting to ask you if you could possibly maybe tell me about how we meet the author? We've gotta be getting close to meeting him, right?"

"Actually, it might be a good idea to tell you some of the highlights. Then, when it happens, it'll be a little less of a shock to you." I pondered. Dipper's face immediately lit up in excitement, and the slightest hint of worry. "I am going to deliberately tell you in cryptic messages so that it won't make sense until it happens."

"Um… okay." Dipper said.

"He spent thirty years trying to fix his biggest mistake." I stated.

"That's a little vague." Dipper noted.

"That's the point. I'll also tell you more cryptic sentences about when you meet the author and what leads up to it until it actually begins to unfold at random intervals." I replied. "Anyway, when are we supposed to leave and get ready for the concert again?"

"Um, pretty soon, I think. I'm not sure." Dipper replied. "Wendy never really told me _when_ it was, just that it was today."

 **~Time skip brought to you by: If you see any typos, please tell me so I can fix it. This goes for everything I have published and will publish.~**

"Alright. Who's ready for the best and most overpriced day of our summer?" Wendy cheered. The rest of us cheered as well.

"I brought a baggie of trail mix, and some safety whistles, in case we get separated." Thompson added.

"Lame." Dipper said, faking a cough over it. The rest of us laughed.

"This kid is a champion!" Lee laughed.

"We're just waiting on Tambry. Can't leave without Tambry." Nate added.

"Sorry guys, but Tambry's a little busy at the moment. Wink wink." Mabel hinted, winking.

"What's that mean? Why are you winking?" Nate asked.

"Let's just say she and Robbie took a trip to smooch-ville. Now everyone's happy!" Mabel answered.

"Wait. Robbie and _Tambry_?" Nate exclaimed. "This can't be happening!"

"How's that?" Mabel asked, confused.

"He knew I liked her! How could he do this?!" Nate continued.

"Whoa, hold up. You like _Tambry_? And you told _Robbie_ but not _me_?" Lee said.

"Well, you always make fun of my crushes, man." Nate replied.

"That's what we do, genius!" Lee told him.

"Oh, oh! This is so like Tambry to do this!" Wendy exclaimed. "Dating my ex behind my back. I'm gonna tear her highlights out!"

"Guys, guys! Calm down! We're gonna be late for the concert." Dipper said.

"Uh, news flash, kid. I'm not going to the concert. Not with _him_." Nate replied.

"That won't be a problem, because I'm out." Lee added.

"Me too." Wendy huffed as they all left.

"Wait, wait! This group is all I have!" Thompson pleaded. "Don't make me go back to having no friends! Guys!"

"Match… made?" Mabel said, holding the chart of happiness as all the stickers of a smiley face fell off.

"Wait, guys! Don't go! Not my mailbox!" Thompson continued, as Nate punched Thompson's mailbox, and hurt his hand in doing so. "What did you just do?! I've let these guys pick on me for _years_ to keep this group together! And now they've totally fallen apart!" Thompson snapped.

"But we were all starting to finally hang out together! I was one of the gang!" Dipper said.

"Well, unless you can break up Robbie and Tambry immediately, there is no gang. I have no more friends. And neither do you. I'm gonna eat this." Thompson replied, leaving the garage while eating the single chip that was duct taped to his shirt.

"Mabel, what did I tell you about staying out of Robbie's personal life?" Dipper reminded.

"I know, I know. I just wanted to be a good matchmaker." Mabel replied. "I never should have gotten the love potion from the Love God."

"Wait, 'love potion'?" Dipper asked. "If you did a spell, then can't you, like, undo it?"

"That's it!" Mabel gasped. "If I undo the spell, then everyone will be friends again! But I'm gonna need your help. Also, you are _not_ pulling off that V-neck."

"I know…" Dipper said.

"Burn it!" Mabel yelled.

" _I_ think it looks fine." I added.

 **~Time skip brought to you by: If you look closely at the opening scene of the Woodstick Festival, you can see several recurring characters such as Blind Ivan and the America guy.~**

Now at the concert, we hid behind some trash cans preparing to sneak in when Thompson and the others came by.

"Wait, come back, guys! Come on!" Thompson pleaded. "Tickets were $100. I sold my watch! You've gotta come to the concert."

"Ew. And have to look at _that_? No thanks." Wendy spat, gesturing to Robbie and Tambry.

"Ugh. They're doing that couple hug walk." Dipper groaned. I put a finger to his lips before he could yell at them.

"Let's move." I said as we snuck in past the guards and over to the Love God's van.

"Love God? Sound check for Love God?"

The Love God tumbled out the back of the van, and Tyler and a woman peeked out as well.

"Let's make some miracles happen! Groupies, bed head me." Love God cheered as his 'groupies' ruffled his hair up to make it look messy, as though he just got out of bed. "Love God's about to get crazy! Oh, hey, alright." Love God said, stumbling into the side of the van as Tyler and the woman followed him.

"Now's our chance!" Mabel whispered, as we snuck over to the open van and to the unguarded potions in the back. "Here we go! Let's see… 'Puppy Love', 'Interspecies Love', 'Love of Country Music'… ew."

"I agree, that is 'ew'." I commented.

"Oh! 'Anti-Love'!" Mabel said. "'To reverse the effects of love potion, simply spray on your victim and watch their heart die on the inside.'"

"Sounds good to me." Dipper added.

"Hey!" We turned our heads to see Love God standing in front of us. "You're the one who's been stealing my stuff. I am NOT loving this!"

"I'm sorry, but I made a mistake and I have to fix it." Mabel explained.

"Kid, I tried to tell you. This stuff is WAY too dangerous!" Love God continued as we began running. "On my oath as a God, I can _not_ let you- oh, hey, where'd you just go?"

"I'm sorry Love God, but it's for the good of my friends!" Mabel shouted back at him.

"Come back here!" Love God yelled, chasing after us.

"Dipper, catch!" Mabel yelled, throwing the potion to Dipper, who caught it as we ran on the stage, where three men whose mustaches were tied together were playing guitar. The Handlebar Bros.

"Get those kids!" Love God ordered, as they blocked us.

"Halt!" The Handlebar Bros. commanded.

"We _mustache_ you to move!" The middle man said. Dipper and Mabel pulled their mustaches down so that they headbutted with each other, falling down to the ground.

"Good one." Dipper commented, talking about the pun, as we jumped into the crowd and began crowd surfing.

"Woo! Thank you!" Mabel laughed.

"Ah! Ah! No no no, everyone's touching everything!" Dipper squeaked.

"This is an unusual experience." I said.

"Give me back that potion!" Love God demanded, while high-fiving a fan and giving another fan a cassette. When we got to the end of the crowd, we kept running as the Love God kept chasing us.

"Dipper, Nathan, look!" Mabel said, pointing at Robbie and Tambry together. Mabel grabbed a nearby empty spray bottle and put the top of it into the potion vial. "Just one clean shot to the back of their heads and everything's fixed!" As we began approaching them, Love God landed in front of us, stopping us in our tracks. I took the time to take a much needed breather after running so much.

"Sorry kids, but you've left me no choice. Visions of heartbreak past!" Love God shouted, throwing some potions on the ground as a pink smoke appeared, and Mabel's past crushes appeared. Dipper punched one of them, causing him to disappear.

"Ha! You really think we'd fall for that?" Dipper laughed, when we heard Mabel laughing, a d we saw her with all the others.

"Sure you can all marry me!" Mabel laughed. "Oh, guy from the $10 bill, I forgot I had a crush on you."

"Dang it, Mabel! They're not real!" Dipper shouted.

"Just give us the bottle, Mabel." The fake Mermando said as the others nodded.

"Mabel, don't! Mabel, it's a trick! Don't give him the-" Dipper yelled, as Mabel handed the bottle over. The fake Mermando threw the bottle over to the Love God as they all disappeared and Love God caught it.

"Ugh! Curse my oversized heart." Mabel complained.

"Sorry kids, but that's what happens when you mess with a God!" Love God proclaimed. "Only a greater being from the heavens themselves could possibly stop—" Love God stopped himself when he saw a large shadow appear.

The shadow was a flaming hot air balloon shaped like Stan's head coming down. The balloon had the words 'I eat kids' above it, although it was fairly clear that two letters had fallen off. However, nobody would know that it was meant to say 'I heart kids'. I began doubling over in hysterical laughter. The balloon crashed down on top of the Love God in such a way so that it looked like he was eaten by the balloon, as he dropped the potion as it rolled over to us.

"I guess that balloon is a 'greater being from the heavens themselves'." I joked. "And I guess that the Love God is a kid." Meanwhile, a small crowd had gathered around the balloon as a man used a water hose to put out the fire. Other people were still panicking over the balloon.

"What's everyone crying about? In my day, zeppelins fell from the sky like raindrops." Stan said as him and Soos approached.

"It's him! The horrible old man from the sky!" A teenager yelled, pointing at Stan as everyone ran away from him.

"You know what? Being loved by the youth is overrated." Stan told Soos. "Being feared? Now, that's priceless."

"Love God? Are you okay?" Dipper called out.

"He's probably alright since Nathan joked about it." Mabel added.

"He's perfectly fine. Just a little dazed is all." I replied.

"Dude! I am so over this!" Love God stated, crawling out from under the balloon.

"Love God to the stage. Love God to the stage?" An announcer said over the microphone.

"Look kid, take it, okay? Smite everyone for all I care! You wanna mess with people's lives? You want to play God? Do it. 'Cause I'm sick of it!" Love God huffed, stumbling off. "Medic! I need… I need onion rings!"

"Yeah, he's fine. Just a little dazed is all." I repeated.

"Okay, let's go." Dipper stated as we went up the hill towards Robbie and Tambry. When we got there, we hid in a bush behind them. "Okay, guys. Now's our chance. They break up, and the whole friend group gets back together." Before Mabel sprayed them however, Robbie spotted her as Dipper and I ducked behind the bush and Mabel hid the potion behind her back.

"Mabel! Mabel, I just wanted to thank you. I've been so miserable since Wendy broke up with me that I thought my life was over." Robbie told her. "But you were right. I just needed to move on. I'm… 'happy'? Weird, huh?"

"Robbie, people are commenting on our pictures." Tambry said, as Robbie walked back over to Tambry, while showing the heart on his hoodie to Mabel, a nod to when she zipped it up earlier to represent that she would try and fix his heart.

"Dipper, Nathan, maybe we shouldn't do this. I mean, every time we've played with people's fates, it's only made things worse." Mabel reasoned.

"They are kinda perfect for each other, in a… gross kind of way." Dipper added. "But what about our friend group?"

"Well, maybe it'll sort itself out." Mabel replied. "I mean, there's gotta be _something_ that can bring everyone back together."

"Hey, there's Thompson." I said, pointing over to Thompson carrying a cake.

"Guys, I made a friendship cake! So let's all get over this, okay?" Thompson said, when a beach ball hit him in the face, causing him to drop the cake. "My cake!" Thompson exclaimed, bending over to pick up the dropped cake. As he did so, the jacket he was wearing tore open, revealing all the snacks taped to his shirt. The security guards noticed this and began chasing Thompson, attracting the attention of the other teens.

"Whoa! Hey, look!" Lee exclaimed.

"Is that Thompson?" Wendy asked as Thompson climbed up a pole while the security guard tried to hit him with a broom.

"Fight the machine, Thompson!" Nate cheered.

"Throw snacks at 'em!" Wendy called out.

"Use jerky as a weapon!" Robbie shouted.

"Thompson!" Nate yelled, as the group began chanting Thompson's name repeatedly. Nate and Lee punched each other playfully, Wendy and Tambry smiled at each other, and Robbie and Wendy gave each other smiles that said all was forgiven.

"I think everything just might be alright." Mabel said.

"Yeah. Like I told Dipper earlier, it may have been a bit of a bumpy ride, but everything turned out fine in the end." I added.

"You knew that it would happen like this, didn't you?" Dipper asked.

"Yep." I replied.

"So, if you kmew we wouldn't need the anti-love potion, then why did we go through all that trouble to get it?" Dipper questioned.

"Well, where would be the fun in that?" I said jokingly.

"All according to plan." Thompson said, hanging from a rope.

"Relationships will be strained, but in the end, trust the ones you know the most." I said as I walked through the portal.

"What?"


	30. Northwest Mansion Mystery

**Chapter 30: Northwest Mansion Mystery**

This week has actually been going rather well for me. I thought I would be a week behind, but it looks like I might actually be able to catch up. I also recently found out there's someone at my school by the name Jesus (pronounced Hey Seus) Ramirez. I wonder if they've seen Gravity Falls…?

Also, the most notable thing that happened this week actually has nothing to do with real life. It's the newest episode of Steven Universe; 'A Single Pale Rose'. I won't spoil it for those who haven't seen it (yet), but those who have seen it will understand why it's so shocking.

Other than that, it was another mundane week for me.

As I walked through the portal again, I saw Dipper watching TV with a bag of chips and some drinks with him.

 _"You asked for it, you got it! An entire 48 hour marathon of Ghost Harassers on the Used To Be About History Channel!"_

"Be strong, bladder." Dipper said, patting his stomach. "We're not gonna move 'till sunset."

 _"We interrupt this program to bring you breaking news."_ Toby announced on the TV.

"Aw, what?" Dipper complained.

"It's starting!" Mabel said, sitting to Dipper's right in the chair.

"Turn it up!" Candy added, squeezing in to Dipper's left.

"Make room for Grenda!" Said girl shouted, jumping on top of all three of the occupants of the chair, breaking a lamp in the process.

 _"Well tonight's the night, but I've been out here for days!"_ Toby continued, as the camera showed he was absolutely filthy as flies literally buzzed around him. _"The Northwes_ _t family's annual high society shindig ball soirée is here. And even though common folk aren't let in, that won't stop us from getting a peek at the fanciness."_

"Oooooohhh!" All three girls were in awe of the fanciness. Dipper and I were unimpressed.

"Okay, could someone please explain why people care about this?" Dipper said.

"I know, right?" I added. "I don't really care for fancy parties. The food is too fancy for me sometimes."

"Um, it's pretty much the fanciest party of all time. Rich food, richer boys." Grenda replied.

"Like I said, I don't really care for those fancy parties. I don't like fancy food that much."

"They say each gift basket has a live quail inside." Mabel said.

"Why would you even _want_ a live quail?" I asked.

"Exactly!" Dipper agreed.

"Give me your life, Pacifica." Candy sighed.

"Guys, in case you've already forgotten, Pacifica Northwest is the worst." Dipper scoffed when a knock was heard at the door. Dipper got up to answer it, and continued talking as he did so. "And that's not just jealousy talking; I'd say that to her face." Dipper opened the door to reveal Pacifica herself, in a disguise.

"I need your and Nathan's help."

"You're the worst." Dipper said as he slammed the door and the girls gasped. "See?" Pacifica knocked again though and Dipper opened the door with an unimpressed look.

"Look, you think it's easy for me to come here? I don't wanna be seen here in this hovel, but there's something haunting Northwest Manor. If you two don't help me, the party could be ruined." Pacifica took off her sunglasses to reveal a somewhat desperate-looking face.

"We'll help in exchange for three tickets for the party for Mabel, Candy and Grenda over there." I said, wanting to speed things along. Dipper gave me an exasperated look while Mabel, Candy and Grenda squealed and Pacifica growled.

"You're just lucky I'm desperate." Pacifica huffed, handing me three tickets.

"Woo! Desperate! Desperate! Desperate!"

"Grenda, get the glue gun. We're making dresses!" Mabel cheered.

As Pacifica left, Dipper pulled me aside with a scowl on his face.

"Alright Nathan, care to explain why you accepted without hesitation?" Dipper practically demanded.

"Sure, Pacifica may not have exactly been very nice to us in the past, but she really does have a ghost on her hands." I explained. "Plus, while we take care of the ghost, you'll learn that there's another side to Pacifica. One that will change how you think about her."

"Fine." Dipper said.

"What I don't get though is why she wanted _my_ help too." I wondered aloud.

 **~Time skip brought to you by: Pacifica Northwest lives in the Pacific Northwest.~**

About an hour later, a short limousine drove up and picked us up from the Mystery Shack and drove the six of us to the mansion. Pacifica guided us inside, and I was still seeing light that wasn't there from all the camera flashes. I made the mistake of staring out the window while we rode past rhe gate. It wouldn't have been so bad if it wasn't dark outside.

"Welcome to Northwest Manor, dorks. Try not to touch anything." Pacifica said as the girls gushed over how fancy it looked.

"Everything's so fancy! Fancy floors, fancy plant, fancy man!" Mabel exclaimed, rubbing the floors, shaking a plant, and rubbing a butler's face.

"The rumors were true!" Candy said, holding a fancy gift basket that did, in fact, have a live quail in it. The quail and some baby quails jumped out and ran around as the girls also ran around. Meanwhile, Dipper, Pacifica and I approached Preston Northwest.

"Ah, if it isn't the men of the hour." Preston formally greeted as he stood next to his wife, Priscilla Northwest, who had very fake-looking (and admittedly ugly) lips. "Hopefully you can help us with our little… _situation_ , before the guests arrive in an hour."

"We'll do our best." Dipper replied.

"Splendid! Pacifica, take our guests to the 'problem room', and, uh… they're not wearing _that_ , are they?" Preston said.

"I heard that."

"I'm on it." Pacifica said. "Dipper, Nathan, come with me. We need to get you two some suits."

"Fine, but I'm keeping the hat." I replied.

Ten minutes later and Dipper and I were fitted into fancy suits.

"Ugh! It's like this collar is strangling me." Dipper complained.

"I don't think I've ever worn anything this fancy." I commented.

"Who do you guys think you're impressing with this stuff?" Dipper continued.

"Um, everyone. _You_ wouldn't understand." Pacifica walked up to us and fixed my and Dipper's tie. "High standards are what make the Northwest family great."

"Funny; I thought it was lying about founding the town." Dipper said as he played with a picture frame's tassel.

"Don't touch that! Now come with me." Pacifica lead us towards one of the rooms that was closed to the guests. As we walked inside the dark room, lightning flashed outside, giving the room an eerie setting. "This is the main room where it's been happening."

"Yep, this looks like the kind of room that would be haunted, alright." Dipper said.

"I'm not sure if that's observant or if it's stereotypical." I thought aloud.

"I wouldn't be worried, though. Ghosts fall on a ten category scale. Floating plates sound like a category one." Dipper said as he showed Pacifica the category one ghost page. _'Actually, if you put a black light over the pages, the category one ghost looks kinda scary and the category ten looks rather tame.'_

"So what, are you going to bore him back into the afterlife by reading from this book?" Pacifica taunted. Dipper ignored the comment and explained how he planned to get rid of the ghost (and commented on how he thought Pacifica's hair might be dyed) while I looked around the room when a beep was heard from Dipper's backpack.

"I'm picking something up." Dipper said as he took out a device used for detecting ghosts. Dipper went around the room, briefly stopping to look at the picture of a lumberjack on the wall when his 'ghost detector' turned off. I made sure to keep my eyes on the picture while Dipper fiddled with the detector. Finally, I watched as the lumberjack faded off of the picture instantly, making me wonder if I had accidentally blinked. "Uh, Pacifica?"

Pacifica didn't respond as she instead screamed. Blood was leaking out of the taxidermy animal heads and pooling on the floor. The fire in the fireplace also roared and grew quite a bit. The taxidermy heads began chanting as several items began swirling around the room and clouds with lightning even formed around the chandelier.

"Guys, what is this?" Pacifica asked.

"It's a category ten." Dipper answered as the bottle in his hand suddenly shattered.

"ANCIENT BLOOD AND BLACKENED SKIES, THE FOREST DARK SHALL ONCE MORE RISE." The taxidermy animal heads stopped their chanting and uttered this creepy phrase.

"What do we do, what do we do?!" Pacifica panicked.

"Don't worry. It can't get worse than this." As soon as Dipper said this, the fireplace roared again and a black flaming skeleton hand came out, followed by another, and then the rest of the body of the skeleton, with an axe lodged in the skull. As we hid under the table, flesh began materializing on the skeleton before the full body was formed.

"I smell… a NORTHWEST!" The ghost boomed as fire appeared around its face where hair would form a beard and mustache. A double sided axe materialized in his hand and he began dragging it along the floor, tearing it up. "Come out… come out, wherever you are!"

"Hurry! Read through your dumb book already!" Pacifica said frantically.

"I'm looking! And it's not dumb, okay? This book is gonna save our lives." Dipper whispered just as frantically, turning to the category ten page. "Alright, here we go. Advice." Dipper shone the black light on the page and the text that was revealed was 'Pray for mercy!'. "Aw, seriously?" Dipper said as the table we were under floated up, revealing us to the ghost.

"You shouldn't have come here!" The ghost said, swinging his axe at us. Thankfully, we dodged it with a reasonable amount of room between us and the blade of the axe.

"This way! Hurry!" Pacifica urged as we ran from the ghost throughout the mansion. We ran through several hallways and corridors and even a garden that's half indoors half outdoors. The rain from recently caused the dirt to become mud. While Dipper and Pacifica just ran straight through the mud, I did my best to avoid it, though since I was running, I didn't have much time to plan the perfect way around it and some steps in the mud were inevitable. Meanwhile, Dipper leafed through the journal looking for a way to defeat the ghost.

"Come on, come on… I got it! A haunted painting can only be trapped in a silver mirror." Dipper said. "Look! There's a silver mirror right there."

"Wait! Don't go in there." Pacifica said, pulling Dipper back before he could step into the room the mirror was located in. I had simply stopped running as we approached the room as I needed to catch my breath. _'Weirdmageddon is going to be exhausting for me.'_ "This room has my parents' favorite carpet pattern! They'll lose it if we track mud in there!" Pacifica continued.

"What?! Are you serious?" Dipper pulled free from Pacifica's grasp and began to head in before Pacifica blocked him again.

"We'll find another way!" Pacifica said.

"Pacifica, we don't have time for this! Let me through!" Dipper said as the ghost's voice was heard behind us.

"No! My parents will kill me!"

"Why are you so afraid of your parents?!"

"You wouldn't understand!" Pacifica and Dipper's tug of war with the journal caused them to fall through a nearby painting and into a secret room. I went in after them without hesitation.

"What is this place?" Dipper said as he got up and looked around. Pacifica also regathered herself and looked around the newly discovered room.

"That's weird. I don't even know where this room is." Pacifica said.

"Hopefully, the ghost doesn't either." Dipper added.

"Yeah, maybe we're safe." Pacifica stood over by a covered up painting, and the sheet began reaching out to her. Or, more accurately, the ghost began reaching out to her.

"Pacifica! Watch out!" Dipper warned, as Pacifica fled and the ghost appeared.

"Your fate is sealed!" The ghost declared, flying around and knocking over some items, including a silver mirror, which Dipper spotted almost immediately. "Prepare to die, Northwest!" Dipper grabbed the mirror and ran in front of Pacifica right as the ghost was about to strike her. There was a bright flash of light, and the next thing I knew, the three of us were rolling down the hill outside before stopping at the bottom.

"Did you get him?" Pacifica asked. Dipper lifted the mirror up to reveal the ghost inside pounding on the glass that was acting like a window that the ghost couldn't pass through. "Yes! We dis it!" Pacifica said excitedly, hugging Dipper. _'And thus, the Dipper & Pacifica ship was born.' _Pacifica then realized she was hugging him and awkwardly let go. "Can I… pay you to pretend that never happened?" Pacifica said awkwardly, holding out a $20 bill as Dipper awkwardly took it.

 **~Time skip brought to you by: Awkwardness.~**

"Well, Pacifica, you really found the right men for the job." Preston said, snapping his fingers as a butler began shaking our hands.

"We can't thank you enough. …That's enough." Priscilla said, causing the butler to stop shaking our hands.

"Hey, just holding up my end of the deal." Dipper chuckled as he began leaving.

"Wait, leaving already? You're at the world's best party, dummy." Pacifica said.

"Heh. I'd love to stay, but… I've got a category ten ghost to dispose of." Dipper smiled.

"Watch out for that pole." I said. Dipper stopped inches from walking straight into the pole and corrected himself, leaving without another word. "Call me crazy, but… maybe she's not that bad after all." The ghost began laughing in the mirror after Dipper said this. "What are you laughing at, man? We defeated you."

"You've been had, boy. You remind me of _me_ 150 years ago." The ghost said.

"What do you mean?"

"150 years ago this day, the Northwests asked us lumber folk to build them a mansion atop this hill. We were told it would be a service to the town, and once a year, they would throw a grand party, and all would share in the bounty!" The ghost explained. "It took years of back breaking labor and sacrifice. But when it was time for the grand party they promised the common folk of the town… they refused to let us in. And with the trees gone, the mudslides began. While they partied and laughed, I was swept away by the storm. And so I said with final breath: 'One-fifty years I'll return from death. And if the gate's still closed to town, wealthy blood will stain the ground.' A curse passed down until this day."

"So, wait a minute. The Northwests _knew_ this haunting was coming? And they tricked us into helping them to avoid ghostly justice?" Dipper said. "I'll be right back." Dipper set the mirror down and began marching up towards the front entrance of the manor, until he paused and looked at me. "And _you_ knew about _all_ of this, didn't you?"

"Yeah, pretty much. But we were so busy running from the ghost that I forgot to tell you." I replied.

"Ugh! Whatever. We'll talk later." Dipper said, as he walked up to the doors, pulling me along with him, and opened the doors. "Northwests! You've got some explaining to do!" Dipper said hotly. Preston, Priscilla and the mayor looked at us in silence. (The mayor likely had no idea what was going on.) The silence was broken by Pacifica.

"Dipper, you came back!"

"You lied to me! All of you did! All you had to do was let the townsfolk into the party, and you could've broken the curse!" Dipper exclaimed hotly. "But you made us do your dirty work instead."

"Look at who you're talking to, boy. I'm hosting a party for the most powerful people in the world. You think they'd come here if they had to rub elbows with _your_ kind?" Preston stated condescendingly. Now, I'm not one to lose my cool easily, but something about that statement made my blood boil. I barely held myself back from punching Preston right in the face.

" _Our_ kind?" Dipper scoffed. "I was right about you all along. You're just as bad as your parents. Another link in the world's worst chain."

"I'm sorry. They made me! I should've told you, but—" Preston cut his daughter off by ringing a bell; the same kind of bell that seemed like it would be used to call a butler. Pacifica stopped talking and blushed slightly in embarrassment.

"Enjoy the party! It's the last time you and your kind will _ever_ come." Preston said. As Dipper pulled me and we made our way towards the exit, a chimpanzee butler offered us a tray of food. "No, no! Those aren't for them." Dipper scoffed and pulled me out of the mansion and back towards the mirror where the ghost was trapped, and prepared to exorcise the ghost.

"Stupid Northwests. Making _me_ do their exorcism for them." Dipper huffed as he began unenthusiastically began reading the words necessary to exorcise the ghost, when said ghost addressed Dipper.

"Dipper, Dipper. Please let me get my vengeance on the Northwests. You hate them as much as I."

"Hey, I feel you. It's just, my sister's in there, and… you seem a _little_ unstable, man." Dipper replied.

"Very well, boy." The ghost said, seemingly accepting his fate. "Then, before you banish my soul, may these tired lumber eyes gaze upon the trees one final time?"

"Uh… I guess." Dipper said, picking up the mirror and facing it towards the trees. "Go nuts, man." The ghost began laughing as his blue fire beard turned red and the mirror also began to glow red. Dipper dropped the mirror and it shattered on the ground, releasing the ghost as he began flying towards the mansion. "Oh no! Mabel!"

By the time we made it back to the mansion, it was already completely chaotic. Guests were running around as the ghost turned them all to wood. Everything taxidermy had come to life, terrorizing the guests even more. One of the guests right in front of us begged for our help as he was slowly turned into wood.

" _Whoa_! That is messed up!" Dipper exclaimed. The ghost laughed, not having noticed us yet.

"Just one way to change your fates: a Northwest must open the party gates!" The ghost boomed.

"A Northwest…? Pacifica!" Dipper said, dragging me along with him in search of the blond girl. It wasn't very hard to find her. The same painting concealing the hidden room we found earlier had a section that was repeatedly lighting up and going dark again, giving Pacifica away as we crawled in to see the girl turning a flashlight on and off. "Pacifica! There you are. The ghost is turning everyone to wood, and he just started… rhyming, for some reason?"

"He's been making rhymes this entire time, actually." I added.

"We need your help!" Dipper finished. "Pacifica?"

"You want to know why this room was locked up? This is what I found in here. A painted record of every horrible thing that my family's ever done." Pacifica said, shining the flashlight on a bunch of paintings. One in particular that caught my attention showed a Northwest shaking hands with someone, while holding crossed fingers behind their back and a sinister smile on their face.

"Lying, cheating; and then there's me. I lied to you just because I'm too scared to talk back to my stupid parents!" Pacifica continued, throwing her diamond earrings across the room at a picture of her parents. "You were right about me. I _am_ just another link in the world's worst chain." It was evident in her voice that she was close to tears. Then again, who could blame her? She just found out that her family is a bunch of lying and cheating rich snobs instead of the great family she thought they were.

"Ah; Pacifica… I-I'm sorry about what I said, earlier." Dipper apologized. "But, just 'cause you're your parents' daughter doesn't mean you have to be like them. It's not too late."

"It's too late!" The ghost shouted suddenly as we ran to the foyer. "You are all wood!" We arrived at the foyer and saw that everyone was reduced to a wooden statue of their former selves. Dipper rushed to one of the tables, which had a silver platter, and addressed the ghost.

"Alright, ghost. Prepare to get—" The ghost didn't even let Dipper finish as he shot the journal out of Dipper's hand, then shot at Dipper again.

But he hit me.

I had jumped in front of Dipper. The last thing I did before I turned to wood completely was turn back and smile at Dipper, giving him a thumbs-up.

…

Darkness. Endless… darkness. I couldn't see anything. I couldn't hear anything. I couldn't even feel my own body. It was like every nerve in my body had stopped sending signals to my brain about what was happening. It was almost as though the only thing of myself that still existed was my thoughts. I couldn't keep track of time. I wasn't even sure if my body still required oxygen.

I stayed like this for what felt like an eternity and two seconds at the same time.

Until finally, I could feel my body returning to normal. I could see things again. I could hear things again. All of my senses returned to my body.

I looked around and saw that everything and everyone else was returned to normal as well. It was as though the ghost had never terrorized the place at all.

"Pacifica, you are not like the other Northwests." The ghost said. I looked over to see the lever for the party gates down with Pacifica next to it and the ghost talking to her. "I feel… lumber justice." The ghost faded away into the afterlife, and the axe in his head fell to the floor; the only sign that he had even been here.

Shortly after, the entire town came running in through the doors. The party once again became chaotic, though this time, it was a positive chaos. People enjoying themselves as they helped themselves to the food and just doing non-fancy-people things, and— did I just see a horse? Preston was going crazy over even so much as a fork being placed at 'the wrong angle' too.

"What happened?" Mabel groaned as her and Candy got up.

"Ahem." Grenda cleared her throat.

"Grenda! We are so sorry." Candy apologized. Oh, yeah. They had a bit of an argument while Dipper and I were busy.

"We shouldn't have left you behind." Mabel continued.

"That's okay. Maybe I do need to work on my flirting." Grenda said. "Come on. Let's go dunk our heads in some cheese and chocolate. Friends?"

"Friends."

"Wait! Don't go. Grenda, was it? I must speak with you." A rich boy with an accent came up to the three girls. Marius. "There's something about you; I can't get you out of my head. You're so bold and confident. I know you're probably out of my league, but… might I give you mine phone number?"

"I don't have a phone! Write it on my face!" Grenda said.

"Whoa. Go Grenda!" Mabel laughed.

"Maybe we shouldn't have sold her short." Candy added.

"Well, you know what they say that I just now came up with; don't judge a girl's romantic options by her flirting style." I said.

"I call bridesmaid!" Candy said.

"What? I call co-bridesmaid!" Mabel added.

"Man; if your family hates you for this, they're idiots. This is great." Dipper told Pacifica, just a few feet away from Mabel and her friends (and Grenda's new boyfriend).

"Enjoy it while it lasts. Next year, I'm sure they're just going to lock everyone out again." Pacifica said.

"Hey. Guess what we're standing on." Dipper said, gesturing downward towards the mud they were both standing in; which happened to be on Pacifica's parents' favorite carpet pattern. Pacifica grew a mischievous smile as she stomped her muddy shoe on the carpet and Dipper knocked over a tray of food and Pacifica threw a bowl of punch on the carpet.

"But seriously, I better go find someone to clean this up." Pacifica said, leaving to do just that.

"Whee! Scoobity-doo! Hornswaggle m' goat knees!" McGucket yelled as he walked up to us.

"Whoa! What's up, McGucket?" Dipper greeted, when McGucket pulled me and Dipper aside.

"Dipper! Nathan! I've been lookin' for ya. I fixed the laptop. I've been doing calculations and I think something terrible is coming! The apocalypse! The end times!" McGucket exclaimed frantically.

"You know what McGucket, how about we talk about this stuff tomorrow?" Dipper sighed. "It's a party. Let's have some fun for once, huh?"

"But…" McGucket said as Dipper left. "Oh, this is bad. Something's coming. Something big." McGucket opened the laptop to reveal a timer counting down from 21:30:09 with the words 'Imminent Threat' above it in red. I glanced up to the wall behind McGucket and saw a tapestry depicting a triangle with an eye above a flaming landscape with people either bowing down or begging for mercy.

Then I remembered that in the chaos, I forgot to say anything about when Dipper meets the author to him. I left and found a piece of paper lying around and scribbled on it with a pen I also found lying around. I went and handed the piece of paper to Dipper before running off and heading back home throught the portal before he could say anything.

The paper I gave him read: 'Tomorrow we meet the author.'


	31. Not What He Seems

**Chapter 31: Not What He Seems**

Yesterday was my last adventure. Nothing much happened in the past 24 hours, although I wouldn't be wearing my hat today since it was being washed. I walked through the portal again into the Mystery Shack's living room. As it turns out, I had managed to come through the portal in the middle of the night.

I was about to shrug it off when I felt myself floating upwards, before falling back to the floor a couple seconds later. With the sensation being so unusual, I almost lost my balance, but managed to catch myself before I fell on my face. After that was over, I just simply sat down in the chair in the living room and fell asleep.

A few hours later, I was woken up by an excited Mabel and a sleepy, but notably eager-looking Dipper. He must've read my note I gave him yesterday.

"Dipper, Nathan, come on! You have to see this!" Mabel practically shouted, leading us through the hallway over towards a closet. "Ahh! It's here, it's here, it's here!" Mabel stopped in front of a door as Dipper yawned while his face showed tiredness and eagerness for what would come in the next several hours. "Okay, so I was just opening random doors, because I'm a creep, when I found something amazing!"

"If it was worth waking up at 7 AM for, that _will_ be amazing." Dipper said.

"Feast your eyes!" Mabel opened the door, showing a box of fireworks, some of which had some rather interesting names: 'The Lawsuit Maker', 'Cop Callers', and 'Poor Choices' to name a few.

"Whoa!" Dipper exclaimed, the tiredness in his voice completely gone now.

"Bro, bro. We're all thinking it." Mabel said.

"Crazy rooftop fireworks party!" The three of us said in unison, when Stan stepped in front of us.

"Not so fast, kids! There is no way on earth you're setting off those dangerous, illegal fireworks… without me." Stan said, smiling after a brief pause as he put his hands on the twins' shoulders.

 **~Time skip brought to you by: the cover image is the portal when it creates the first gravity anomaly at the beginning of the 18 hour countdown.~**

The next few minutes were spent gathering popsicles and a lighter as we brought the fireworks up to the roof. We had sparklers lit and fireworks ready as we began setting off the explosives.

"Here you go, sweetie. Set something on fire for your Grunkle Stan." Stan said as he lit the fireworks Mabel was holding.

"I am the god of destruction!" Mabel yelled as the fireworks shot off and exploded, creating bright and colorful explosions in the air, even blowing empty cans and the umbrella back further behind us as the cops arrived.

"Hold on a minute, do you have a permit for those?" Blubs asked.

"Uhh…"

"Uh, do you have a permit for being totally lame?" Stan replied as we laughed.

"Heh heh heh. Well, I can't argue with that. Carry on." Blubs laughed as him and Durland left.

"Heh heh; ah…. But seriously though, we should probably clean this mess up." Stan said as we looked around at the small fires around the yard.

"With water balloons?" Mabel asked hopefully.

"I don't see why not." Stan answered. We headed back inside and filled up a bucket of water balloons before heading back outside.

"Nathan, you should join us!" Dipper encouraged.

"No, thanks." I replied. "I don't really want to get my clothes wet." Dipper shrugged and him and Mabel went on to playing with the water balloons while Stan and I watched.

"Ah; this is what Saturdays are for. Doing dumb things forever." Stan sighed contentedly.

"Dumb things forever!" The twins cheered, jumping into a pile of water balloons, popping all of them as some of the water even splashed a little close to me and Stan.

"Whoa there!" Stan laughed.

"To Grunkle Stan!" Mabel said, holding a water balloon and a popsicle. "Not just a _great_ uncle…"

"The greatest uncle!" Dipper said, as him and Mabel tossed a water balloon at Stan. I decided to move out of the way so I wouldn't get splashed, but I couldn't help the smile that was on my face.

"Alright, alright. I tell you." Stan said. "It's unnatural for siblings to get along as wel as you do."

"Don't worry. We've still got plenty of summer left to drive each other crazy!" Mabel laughed, shaking her twin brother a bit as he pushed her back and splashed a water balloon on her face. Mabel was smiling the whole time.

"Heh, yeah. Plenty of summer left." Stan said as a frown crossed his face. "Kids, there's something I, uh… something I should tell you. It's, um… w-well, it's complicated. I…" As Stan awkwardly attempted to tell his biggest secret to us, Dipper and Mabel got looks of confusion and curiosity. Although, Dipper's expression also had a hint of excitement, until Stan chickened out and left to 'refresh his soda'.

"What do you think that was about?" Mabel asked.

"I think he wanted to tell us a secret." Dipper thought aloud. "And I have the feeling it's a pretty big secret."

"Well, things are about to get pretty complicated, even though he didn't tell us yet." I said. Almost immediately after I said that, a bunch of government officers ran up to us and surrounded us.

"Kids are secure. Roof team, go!"

A large helicopter above us let down some ropes as more government agents quickly slid down the rope, literally breaking into the shack. A few vehicles drove up and several more agents came out and began turning the entire area into what looked like a crime scene as one of the agents led Stan to one of the vehicles.

"Hey, hands off, you stooge. Ah! I don't understand. What did I do that warrants this much arresting?" Stan said as the agent pinned his head to the hood of the vehicle. Powers and Trigger approached from out of the shadow of the trees.

"The government guys?" Dipper exclaimed. "I thought you got eaten by zombies."

"We survived. Barely." Trigger replied.

"I used Trigger as a human shield. He cried like a baby." Powers said.

"Hey! Not in front of the special ops guys." Trigger complained, as his stoic manner was briefly broken.

"This is security footage of a government waste facility. At 0400 hours last night, someone robbed 300 gallons of dangerous waste." Powers continued, showing footage of a man in a hazmat suit hauling out some barrels of an unknown substance.

"What? You think that's me?" Stan exclaimed.

"Don't play dumb with us, Pines." Powers retorted.

"But-but I actually _am_ dumb! Last night I was restocking the gift shop, I swear!" Stan was led away by an agent and into one of the vehicles.

"Wait, Grunkle Stan!" Mabel exclaimed. "You've got the wrong guy! Our Grunkle Stan might shoplift the occasional tangerine, but he's not some evil super villain."

"Listen, kid. We've been watching your family all summer and we've seen some disturbing things, but nothing as dangerous as what your uncle is hiding." Powers began. "Somewhere hidden in this shack is a doomsday device! Trigger, you take the children. I'll talk to the old man. Sorry to break it to you, kids, but you don't know your uncle at all." Trigger snapped his fingers and pointed at Mabel's hand and an agent took her popsicle away from her.

"Icy pop, clear!"

"Hey!" Mabel complained as another agent led us away into another vehicle. I looked back and saw the agent sneak a lick of the popsicle before putting it in the jar he was holding.

"Kids, you've gotta believe me! For once I'm actually innocent! Kids!" Stan yelled as he was taken away and Trigger also began taking us away.

"We've got Mr. Pines in custody. Our men are searching the shack for that device. You take care of those kids." Powers said, briefly informing Trigger of the going-ons with Stan on the screen before it powered off.

"What are you gonna do to us?" Mabel gasped.

"We're not sure what to do with your friend yet, but we'll be taking the two of you to child services." Trigger answered.

"Boo!"

"In the meantime, enjoy some mindless reality TV, designed to pacify you and make you stop asking questions." Trigger pressed a button as a pranking TV show began playing on screen in the back seat.

"Guys, this is crazy. There's no way Stan was stealing hazardous waste. We've gotta clear his name." Mabel said quietly as Dipper looked around for a bit.

"Wait a minute. The security tapes!" Dipper exclaimed quietly. "Didn't Stan say he was restocking the gift shop last night? If we can get the Mystery Shack surveillance tapes, we could prove he's innocent."

"We just need to think of a way out of here. Think, Mabel, think." Mabel said, before looking out the window. Manly Dan was driving a truck with logs on it next to us, and one of his bumper stickers said 'Sev'ral Timez rulez!' Mabel breathed on the window and knocked on it, gaining Dan's attention, as Mabel proceeded to write a message that would make him ram his truck into us.

Mabel's plan was a success as Manly Dan did, in fact, ram us, causing the car to spin out of control and off the road down a hill before we eventually crashed into a tree. We happened to get lucky as the tree blocked Trigger from getting out, yet the twins and I were free to leave.

"Backup! Requesting backup!" Trigger shouted into his earpiece, before I took it out and snapped it in two.

"Your request has been denied. Please try again never." I said in my best automated computer voice before leaving. I also made sure Dipper wouldn't hear what Trigger says; trying to sway him against his own family. We made it to the road leading back towards the shack and waited for some more government vehicles to drive by. We got on one of the vehicles, one which had a tarp over the back that we could hide under, and the vehicle began taking us directly to the Mystery Shack, although it would be a few minutes before we arrived.

When we finally got to the shack, we got out from under the tarp and hid in some bushes before using Mabel's grappling hook to get in through the attic window before heading downstairs and into Stan's office, locking all three locks behind us.

"Alright. If I were Stan, where would I hide those surveillance tapes?" Dipper wondered aloud.

"Here." I said simply as I fixed the bent antler on the jackalope. The wall turned around to reveal a hidden monitor and surveillance tapes. There was a tape resting in the player labeled 'Gift Shop, Tuesday' and a remote on top of the player, which Dipper picked up.

"It's this week, this is it!" Mabel said, pushing the tape in as it began playing. The screen showed Mabel and Wendy cheering for Soos as he wiggled along the floor while music played. "Someone yelled 'wormy dance'. We had to!" Mabel added, answering Dipper's silent question. "Fast forward." Dipper fast-forwarded and the screen now showed Stan placing some things on the counter.

"Ha! There it is! Stan restocking like he said. And the date shows it was last night. It's proof! He's innocent!" Dipper cheered. Then the tape showed Stan sneaking out the door. Dipper fast forwarded several hours and Stan still hadn't returned. "Uh oh." Dipper said worriedly.

"Um, maybe he's just going to the bathroom outdoors, the way nature intended." Mabel tried. Dipper fast forwarded some more until the monitor said 5:00:00 and a man in a hazmat suit walked in, hauling in some barrels of an unknown substance.

"Oh, no. Stan, you didn't." Dipper said.

"Don't panic. That could be anyone in that suit." Mabel said, trying to grasp onto some hope that Stan was still innocent. On the tape, the man dropped a barrel he was holding. The voice that sounded out was very familiar.

 _"Gah! Hot belgian waffles! Wait… I'm alone. I can swear for real! SON OF A B—"_ Dipper pressed the mute button before Stan could finish the curse.

"That's him, alright." Dipper said.

"Okay, okay. So, maybe Grunkle Stan stole some toxic waste. That doesn't mean he's leading a nefarious double life." Mabel was now slightly distraught.

"Mabel, I'm not so sure about that." Dipper added, turning on the light, revealing a box full of passports and fake IDs.

"What? What is all this?" Mabel asked as the twins rummaged through the items in the box. "'Stetson Pinefield'?"

"'Hal Forrester'? 'Andrew "8-Ball" Alcatraz'?" Dipper read some of the fake ID names. "These are fake IDs, Mabel. You wouldn't need these unless you were trying to hide your identity."

"But why would Stan do that?" Mabel asked. She picked up a newspaper clipping and read the headline, immediately shocked by it as she wordlessly handed it to Dipper.

"What?! 'Stan Pines Dead'?"

"'Foul play suspected in Pines' death'." Mabel read. "'Fiery car crash'? 'Brakes cut'? By who?" Dipper picked up another newspaper clipping and read it.

"'Unnamed grifter at large'? Why would they call him 'unnamed'?" Dipper wondered briefly. "Unless Stan…"

"…isn't…"

"…Stan?!" The twins exclaimed in shock as they looked up at a picture of the man.

"No. You know what? Enough is enough! Nathan, you need to tell us what is going on, _right_ now!" Dipper demanded. "All you said was we were going to meet the author today. You never said anything about 'Stan' being arrested by the government, having all these fake IDs, and even supposedly being dead!"

"Alright, alright. There are two ways I could tell you. I could either give it to you slowly, or drop a huge metaphorical bombshell in just a few sentences." I replied. "Or you can wait if you want, although I have a feeling you don't want to wait. Which will it be?"

"We need to know what's going on _now_. So give it to us quick." Dipper answered. "And we were already hit with a huge metaphorical bombshell, thank you very much."

"Alright then. Brace yourselves." I told them, taking in a breath of air and trying to think about how to word it. "Stan really is Stan, but not Stan _ford_. His name is actually Stan _ley_. Stan Pines' twin brother, who is the _real_ Stanford, is the author of the journals and Stanley has been spending the past 30 years trying to bring him back after an argument caused Stanford to get sucked into another dimension through a portal machine that is underneath the shack. This portal is dangerous, however, which is the 'doomsday device' the agents are searching for. Stan's fake IDs were a way to hide his identity after he was banned from a state and went to another one. There's also a lot more to all this as well, but that's just the basic gist of what's going on. The two Stans will explain in greater detail once it happens." I looked at the twins and they were completely shocked.

"WHAT THE ACTUAL HECK?!" Dipper shouted.

"Wait, wait. Before you say anything else, I also want you to know that Stan's intentions are 100% for family and nothing else." I added.

"Wh- b- how- th- _this is crazy_!" Dipper exclaimed.

"I did say it was pretty big." I said.

"Well, I guess we know what's going on now…?" Mabel said quietly.

"HOW ARE YOU SO CALM ABOUT THIS?!" Dipper yelled. "I can't believe it! I just can't believe it! This whole summer, I've been looking for answers, and the biggest mystery was right under our nose! RIGHT UNDER OUR NOSE, MABEL!"

"Dipper, just calm down." I tried.

"There's gotta be something in here somewhere that will help." Mabel said, dumping the box's contents out, when one piece of paper in particular caught her attention. "What the-? 'Secret code to hideout'?"

"Lemme see that!" Dipper exclaimed, only slightly more calm now, taking out the journal and the blacklight, hovering it over a page of various codes. "A 1, B, C 3; I've never seen a code like this!"

"Wait, I have! Dipper, it's the vending machine!" Mabel realized, when we rose up in the air for a while before falling back down.

"Oh, yeah. These gravity anomalies are a side effect of the portal machine beginning to activate after 30 years." I added. "Anyway, let's go towards our favorite snack-dispensing machine and input the code." We headed over to the vending machine, where we saw Soos standing there talking to himself about his plan, which included getting adopted by Stan and changing his name to Stan Jr.

"Soos!" Dipper said, startling him.

"Oh, kids, where have you been?" Soos asked.

"What are you doing here?" Dipper said, ignoring Soos' question. As Soos began explaining why he was there, I snuck around him and entered the code into the vending machine. _'A, 1, B, C, 3.'_ As soon as I finished inputting the code, the vending machine swung open, knocking us back and revealing a hidden passageway. We grabbed the lamp that was resting on a hook and descended the stairs into the secret basement.

"It's like something from a video game." Soos stated.

"Or a dream." Mabel said.

"Or a nightmare." Dipper added.

We got onto the elevator that was waiting for us and descended to the bottom. What greeted us was a row of several machines with flashing lights.

"Guys, are we dreaming? Somebody wake me up." Mabel said.

"This… can't be real." Dipper spoke.

"I don't understand. Why would Mr. Pines have all this?" Soos added.

"It's just like that bunker in the woods."

"But what is it doing underneath the Mystery Shack?" Soos wondered. I expected Mabel to say something about the lab and how everyone has secrets, but she skipped most of what she would've said.

"It's still Stan, and he loves us. And we love him, right?" Mabel said.

"It can't be. It's impossible. The other two journals? All this time, all this time, Stan had them?!" Dipper exclaimed. "I can't believe it! Was _anything_ he said to us real?!"

"Maybe _he's_ the author." Soos tried.

"No! He's _not_ the author! That's his brother! His brother that we didn't even know existed until Nathan told us, and _he_ wouldn't know if it weren't for his knowledge of the entire summer! I can see why he had the other two journals if his brother's the author, but why would he hide that he had them?!" Dipper exclaimed.

"Actually, Gideon had Journal #2. Stan claimed the journal for himself when it fell out of his vest along with several other things when Stan was reclaiming the deed to the shack right before he was sent to jail." I said.

"That hardly changes anything!" Dipper shouted. "I thought we could trust him! But he's been keeping the biggest secret of all time hidden right under us, and he planned to activate this portal without even telling us?!"

"Actually, Stan _was_ going to tell you." I replied. "He wanted to tell you about all of this. The government arriving just made things a little complicated is all."

"He's telling the truth." We turned our heads and saw Stan himself walking into the room. "Just trust me, please."

"And I should trust you _why_?! After you stole radioactive waste? After you lied to us all summer?! I barely even know who you are!" Dipper yelled.

"Look, I know this all seems nuts, but I have a very good reason for this." Stan said. If you'll just let me explain." Then Stan's watch started beeping. "Oh, oh no. Brace yourselves!" Stan warned.

 _"T minus 35 seconds."_

We were tossed in the air while the portal machine made a loud, high-pitched whining noise. Dipper clung onto a beam that was exposed, and everyone else was left free floating.

"You have to trust me. Guys, just listen to me. Remember this morning when I said I wanted to tell you guys something?" Stan asked.

 _"T minus 20 seconds."_

The portal shot everyone towards the wall that was free floating.

"I wanted to say that you're gonna hear some bad things about me, and some of them are true." Stan continued. "But trust me. Everything I've worked for, everything I care about; it's all for this family."

 _"10, 9…"_

"All I want is to see this through. I'll explain everything after it happens." Stan said. "I promise."

 _"6, 5…"_

"Okay. I trust you."

 _"One."_ The portal activated. A blinding light shone out from the portal, quickly enveloping the entire room, and likely much, much more.

Then I lost consciousness…

And was immediately jolted back awake when I hit the ground.

The basement was now completely destroyed. Even the portal was barely functioning now and was nearly in ruins. We watched as a single figure walked up to and through the swirling blue circle, before the portal's disrepair caused the portal to begin to power off, as only the edges were glowing now, and the center of the portal was gone.

The man walked up to Journal #1 which was laying on the ground and put a six-fingered hand on the hand on the cover; the two matching up perfectly. Then he picked up the journal and put it in his coat's inside pocket.

"Is… is that…?" Dipper asked in astonishment.

"The author of the journals…" Stan said, as the figure took off his hood and removed his mask, revealing a face that looked nearly identical to Stan's own. "My brother."

I heard a thud and looked behind me to see Soos passed out on the floor.


	32. A Tale of Two Stans

**Chapter 32: A Tale of Two Stans**

After Soos got up from (possibly having feigned) fainting, we stood there, looking at the author, Stanford Filbrick Pines, who had come out of the portal, and was staring back at us with a scowl.

"Finally, after all these long years of waiting, you're actually here! Brother!" Stanley exclaimed happily, only to get a swift six-fingered punch to the face. "Ah! Oh. Ow! What the heck was that for?!"

"This was an _insanely_ risky move; restarting the portal!" Stanford exclaimed. "Didn't you read my warnings?!"

"Warnings, shmarnings. How's about maybe a thanks for saving you from what appears to be, I don't know, some kind of sci-fi sideburn dimension?" Stanley said.

"Thank you? You really think I'm going to _thank you_ after what you did 30 years ago?!" Stanford nearly shouted.

"What _I_ did? Why, you ungrateful…" The two Stans began fighting each other, and after a few seconds, it was clear that Stanley was losing. The portal behind them also turned off the rest of the way as the glow disappeared.

"Ladies, ladies, you're both pretty. Can I go home now?" I cut in, stating one of my favorite movie quotes.

"Stan, you didn't tell me there were children in here… and some sort of large, hairless gopher…?" Stanford said, looking at Soos while saying the last part.

"Heh heh; I get that a lot." Soos laughed; saying it as though he really does get that often.

"They're your family, poindexter. Shermy's grandkids." Stanley replied.

"I… I have a niece and two nephews?" Stanford smiled.

"Uh, n-no, just one nephew. I'm not related to you in any way." I awkwardly added.

"…Oh." Ford walked up to Mabel and began shaking her hand. "Greetings. Do kids still say 'greetings'? I haven't been in this dimension for a _really_ long time."

"Whoa, a six-fingered handshake. It's a full finger friendlier than normal." Mabel said.

"I like this kid." Ford laughed. "She's weird."

"I-I can't believe it. You're the author of the journals!" Dipper exclaimed, finally coming out of his silent shock and into normal shock.

"You've read my journals?" Ford asked.

"I-I haven't just read them, I've _lived_ them! I've been waiting for so long to meet you, I don't know what to say. I have so many questions, I…" Dipper went on a short, excited rant before he began breathing heavily.

"Hey there, sixer. I'll bet those fingers would make it so you could play the piano, or almost any instrument really, better than most others if you practiced." I casually greeted. Ford looked a bit surprised when I called him 'sixer' but he seemed to shrug it off.

"Yes, I… suppose that is true." Ford said confusedly and awkwardly. "Listen, there will be time for introductions later. But first. Tell me, Stan. Are there any security breaches? Does _anyone_ else know about this portal?"

"No, just us." Stan replied. "Also, maybe the entire U.S. government."

"The _what_?!"

We heard agent Powers on the nearby security monitor instructing the others to fan out and that they're not leaving until they find us.

"Okay. It's alright. We've got a while before they find this room." Ford sighed. "We just need to lay low, and think of a plan.

"Well, it looks like we're stuck down here for a while." Mabel began. "Who wants to tell us their entire mysterious backstory?"

"Yes, I have some questions about all this myself, Stanley." Ford added.

"Oh, yeah. About that." Dipper began bitterly and slightly nervously at the same time. "He's been using the name 'Stanford' instead for quite a while."

"Wait, you took _my_ name? What have you been doing all these years, you knucklehead?!" Ford exclaimed.

"Yeah, Grunkle Stan, no more lies. You owe us some answers." Dipper added. "Nathan told us what's going on, but only some of it. You owe us the rest. Why did you take your brother's name? Why did you keep this portal a secret?"

"And what happened between you and your brother?" Mabel asked.

"I'm hoping all this aligns with my fanfic, Stan. If not, I will be very disappointed." Soos said.

"Okay. Okay, okay. I know I have a lot of explaining to do. It all started… a lifetime ago." Stan began. "1960-something. Glass Shard Beach, New Jersey. I lived with my ma and pa in the lead paint district of the family pawn shop. Dad was a strict man. Tough as a cinder block, and not easily impressed. Mom was a pathological liar, which served her well as a phone psychic. And then there was my nerdy twin brother Stanford. As if his abnormally high IQ wasn't enough, he also had a rare birth defect: six fingers on each hand; which might've explained his obsession with sci-fi mystery weirdness. As for me, I had what my mom liked to call… 'personality'.

"But as different as we were, we were the perfect team. And every day, we'd wander the beach, looking for adventure. One day, we found an old abandoned ship hidden in a cave, and we immediately decided to claim it as our own. We hauled it out onto the beach and began working on fixing it up so that we could actually use it later on. We called it the Stan O' War. However, we were also the target of a couple bullies from school, and Stanford's extra fingers only made it worse. They basically called us the loser twins and said we'd never get any friends. But it hardly bothered me, and whenever they would tease Ford about his extra fingers, it wouldn't take long for me to cheer him right back up.

"Those were the good times. Those bullies may have been right about us not making any friends, but when push comes to shove, you only really need one. Ford's brains seemed to get more impressive every year, and so did our pet project. Sure, I got in more than my fair share of trouble, but when your brother's the smartest kid in school, you've always got a leg up on the competition. The future was looking bright, for both of us. Until one day…

"The school secretary had called the both of us up to the principle's office. This wasn't unusual considering how much trouble I got in, but when we got there, it turns out they were wanting my brother. While I listened in, I found out they were offering him a scholarship to the best college in the country if his science experiment impressed them. It even impressed dad. Unfortunately, that would've meant me and my brother would be separated. Without Ford, I was just half of a dynamic duo. I couldn't make it out there without him, and now thanks to that dumb college, I was gonna lose my brother forever. And then, I made the mistake that cost both of us our futures: I accidentally broke Ford's project. I tried to fix it and hoped that it would be okay before I quickly left." I noticed Stanford slightly roll his eyes when Stanley said it was an accident, but he didn't interrupt him to input his thought on the matter.

"But it didn't turn out okay." Ford was now telling the story. "When I unveiled my perpetual motion machine to the college board administrators, it turned out that my project was broken and wasn't functioning like it should've been. The administrators were unimpressed and I ended up not getting the scholarship that I wanted so much. And when I found a bag of Toffee Peanuts on the floor, I immediately knew it was Stan who broke my project. I went home that night and confronted him about it and he admitted to breaking my project. He claimed it was an accident, but I refused to believe him. He even had the audacity to suggest we could still do our treasure hunting as though everything was going to be perfectly fine."

"It turns out our parents also heard us arguing, and they weren't very happy that I had ruined Ford's future. Our dad kicked me out of the house and said I couldn't ever return unless I made enough money to make up for what I cost them. My brother didn't even try to convince our parents to let me stay. Thanks to one dumb mistake, I had no brother, no home, no nothing. But I had a plan to fix everything."

Stanley and Stanford had stopped telling the story for a bit and turned away from each other as Ford wrote in his journal.

"Oh! This story is so sad!" Mabel exclaimed. "I know what _you_ two little broken teacups need. To hug it out! …Hug it out! Hug train's coming in the station! Hug-a-palooza, 2000!"

"Kid, will you knock that off? I'm trying to tell my life's story here." Stan said, before he continued telling the story. "I had decided I wasn't gonna show my face at home until I proved I could make something of myself. Unfortunately, the treasure hunting business was slow going. Apparently gold is some kind of 'rare metal'. Luckily, I struck another kind of gold… in sales. And with a few bucks, I started my own company selling a product I called the Sham Total, which I advertised was able to remove stains from clothing and such. I had made my mark, alright. Unfortunately, so did the Shammies. Apparently the cheap dye I used to color them only made stains worse. Customers weren't crazy about that. Fortunately, they were chasing me with Stan Co. brand pitchforks.

"I was officially banned from New Jersey. But with a quick name change, Steve Pinington was ready to take on Pennsylvania with his own brand of band-aids which were emphasized to be easy to remove and wouldn't give you rashes. …It gave you rashes. And then I was banned from Pennsylvania, too. I traveled the whole country, sometimes outside of it, always one step ahead of the law, looking for something that would be my big break."

"Whoa." Mabel said. "So _that_ explains all the fake IDs."

"But wait, what about you? Did you end up going to your dream school?" Dipper asked Ford.

"Not exactly." Ford replied as he began continuing the story, telling us what went on in his life while Stan was traveling the country. "Instead of getting to go to West Coast Tech, I ended up going to Backupsmore University, which was basically a college for those who couldn't get into the college they wanted. In a place like that, I had to work twice as hard. Luckily, that's what I do best. I went from undergrad to PhD three years ahead of schedule, wrote a thesis that was nationally ranked, and was awarded an enormous grant for my own scientific research. But what to study…?

"My whole life, I'd been teased for my six fingers. But that got me thinking about anomalies. Things that were odd, unusual, statistically improbable. And according to my investigations, there was one place with a higher concentration of these things than anywhere else: a small lumber town in roadkill county, Oregon: Gravity Falls."

"Meanwhile, your old uncle Stan was doing great. I'd come up with a sophisticated new business strategy. I was in great shape, living on my own, and the best part was; I didn't need help from nobody."

"I was heading out on my own as well. I set to work using my grant money to investigate the strange properties of this town. But what would I find here? On the first week I was there, I watched as a giant wooden hand grabbed my car and pulled it into the forest, never to be seen again. Bingo. I began to investigate at once. I knew I'd have to record my findings. I began to keep a journal."

"AAAAAHHH! The journals!" Dipper squealed loudly. An awkward silence would've filled the air, but I couldn't hold in my laughter. "Sorry, sorry. Just uh, got excited there. 'Bout the journals. Keep-keep talking."

"I began to keep a journal—"

"AAAAAHHH!" Dipper squealed again.

Ford cleared his throat. "Just going to ignore that." Ford said, continuing with the story. "There were anomalies everywhere. And the more I looked, the more I saw. This town had it all. Eye bats, living gnomes, and so much more. It was finally a place where I felt at home. But something nagged at me: where did it all come from? It seemed to me the answer must lie outside of our world; a dimension of weirdness leaking into ours. I realized the only way to understand Gravity Falls would be to build a gateway; a portal to the source of its weirdness. But I couldn't make it alone. I decided to call up my old college buddy, Fiddleford McGucket, a young but brilliant mechanic who was wasting his talent trying to make personal computers in some garage in Palo Alto. He immediately agreed and drove up to help with the portal.

"Many long nights were spent perfecting the machine. It would be the crowning achievement of my studies; an answer to the source of this town's anomalies. The time had come to test it. We activated the portal and sent a test dummy through. But my partner was standing too close and was nearly sucked in himself. Thankfully, I managed to pull him out, and he was completely unharmed… but was clearly traumatized from what he saw. He quit the project and left. I was in over my head, and feared I was losing my sanity. I needed help. Someone I could trust. Someone I hadn't seen in over a decade."

"After a while of being on my own, things weren't going as well as I'd hoped. And when I got Ford's postcard asking me to come visit him, I finally felt wanted again. I immediately left my shabby apartment and went to visit my brother. I was a little nervous, and when he opened the door, he looked like he was going half crazy. Thankfully, he realized it was me before he shot me in the face with a crossbow. He was still really paranoid, though.

"He led me into his house and showed me this portal thing. Ford said it was powerful and dangerous and that he hid his journals which talked about it. He also gave me one of his journals and said he couldn't trust anyone else with it and told me to take the book and go as far away as possible.

"One thing led to another, and we began arguing, and eventually we began fighting. Apparently our fight turned the thing on, and when I shoved the book back towards him, he got sucked into the middle of it and disappeared inside. I'd lost him. I didn't know if he was dead or alive in some distant galaxy, but I knew the journal must be the answer to getting him back, somehow.

"I didn't get much sleep that night… or the night after that. I tried for weeks to turn that dumb machine back on. But without the other two journals, it was hopeless.

"Finally, I ran out of food. I had no choice but to go into town. When I went into one of the stores, everyone began mistaking me for my brother. They all kept saying that they wanted to know what all happened inside the place and asked if I gave any tours. And that got me thinking. I didn't have much money, and all these people were willing to pay for a tour of the place.

"So I came up with a plan. I couldn't leave my brother's house until I figured out how to save him, but I needed to pay his mortgage somehow. For once in my life, people were actually buying what I was selling. And so the Murder Hut was born—later renamed the Mystery Shack. Finally, I found something I was good at. For once, being a liar and a cheat payed off. The old me was dead, and I faked a car crash to prove it. By day, I was Stanford Pines; Mr. Mystery. But by night, I was down in the basement, trying to bring the real Stanford back.

"I couldn't risk anyone learning the truth and sabotaging my mission, so I lied to everyone. The town, my family, your parents, even you kids."

"So, all this time you were just trying to save your brother?" Dipper asked as the story came to an end. "Grunkle Stan, I'm so sorry I didn't believe you."

"That's okay, kid. I probably wouldn't have believed me, either." Stan replied.

"I heard talking. It was coming from downstairs!"

"Oh no, we're too late, the agents are coming for us!" Stan panicked.

"What do we do?" Mabel asked.

"Oh, man. I was so spellbound by your dramatic tale that I forgot all about those dudes." Soos said.

"Wait, forget. That's it! I think I know a way we might be able to defeat those agents!" Dipper exclaimed, taking the memory gun from his backpack and handing it to Ford.

"Of course! I don't know how you got ahold of one of these, but… this is perfect!" Ford exclaimed, taking the device and wiring it up to one of the machines in the lab and fiddling with it. "If I can just amplify the signal to a radio headset frequency… there. Now everyone, PLUG YOUR EARS! GET DOWN, NOW!" Ford shouted as the memory gun fired.

After we made sure that it was safe to come up, Ford went out front to talk to the agents while the rest of us watched from inside. I had also advised him to request for their flash drive instead of their floppy disks and eight tracks.

"Stand down, gentlemen. I've been sent with the latest intel from Washington." Ford stated, standing in front of the disoriented agents while holding some of Mabel's drawings so they looked like official papers. "According to this very real report, the power surges in Gravity Falls were actually due to radiation from an unreported meteor shower; a total embarrassment for your whole department. Luckily, I'm here to take this mess off your hands. And I'm going to need your 'flash drive' with the data on all this."

"Um, yes sir." Powers said as Trigger handed over a flash drive to Ford.

"Well what are you waiting for, a kiss on the cheek? Get out of here before I have your butts court martialed!" Ford ordered.

"Uh, yes sir. Apologies, sir." Powers answered, before he whistled. "False alarm, everyone!" The government agents all got into their cars and sped off as Ford gave the flash drive to Gompers the goat, who began chewing on it.

"Great-uncle Stanford, that was amazing!" Mabel cheered as we came out onto the porch.

"Let's not go crazy; it was serviceable." Stan added.

"Thank you, kids, but please, call me Ford."

"Sure! Thanks, Great-Uncle Ford." Dipper said, before taking out a pen and notebook and clicking the pen several times. "So, uh, would you mind if I asked you a couple million questions about Gravity Falls?"

"Um… well, I, uh…" Ford began.

"Alright kids, it's been a long day, and me and my brother have a lot to talk about. So why don't you hit the hay, huh?" Stan cut in.

"But, it's the author!" Dipper pleaded. "I've been waiting so long to ask questions about—"

"I said, hit the hay." Stan said, pushing the twins inside. "As for you, why don't you take out your fancy portal device thingy and head on back to your home as well." Stan said, pointing at me.

"Wait, what?!" Ford exclaimed. He ran towards me and I could tell he was intending to get my portal remote, so I quickly took it out and was about to open the portal to run through when he grabbed the remote in my hand and tried to take it away. The twins had also come back out wondering what the commotion was about and saw me and Ford struggling over the remote.

"Wait, Great-Uncle Ford, it's okay! He's been using that to come here from his own dimension this summer." Dipper said.

"So you mean to tell me that he's been opening portals ALL SUMMER?!" Ford yelled.

"Oh boy." I muttered.

"I was going to wait until tomorrow for this, but I think I may need to do this _immediately_." Ford continued.

"Do… what?" Mabel asked.

"I'm going to need to administer a series of tests on everyone who was present at the portal today to make sure that nobody received any radiation from it, starting with your friend here from another dimension." Ford replied. "I also have to investigate this portal device to understand any dangers that may exist from continued usage of it as well." Ford continued, looking at the portal remote that was in his and my hand, and seizing the opportunity to take the remote from me while I was distracted.

Ford led me inside and back down to his lab where he began booking me up to his computer, monitoring my heart beat, body temperature, breathing rate, etc. and began asking for me to answer some questions and cooperate in some other tests.

 **~Time skip brought to you by: Ford doing all these tests on me to test for portal radiation and psychological trauma.~**

After Ford was done with all the tests on me, which took about an hour, he then began doing the same thing with Soos, Mabel, and Dipper. Stan refused to be subjected to the tests.

Meanwhile, Ford kept holding on to my portal remote, examining it with his scientific instruments. I fell asleep waiting for Ford to finish examining my portal remote after he had done tests on everyone, and when each twin came back up, it was clear that they were tired as well. The only one who didn't seem tired was Soos.

Finally, the next morning, Ford finally came back up with the portal remote.

"Alright Nathan, I've done some tests and I believe that this device of yours is safe to use, as long as you don't use it too much in a short period of time." Ford said, handing me the remote, but with a note posted on it: 'Do not use more than three times every 24 hours.'

"Thanks, Ford." I said.

"Anyway, I'm heading back down into the basement to contain any remaining damage from the portal. You can go back home now if you'd like." Ford continued.

"Okay." I said.

In truth, though, I was wanting to know what Ford wrote about me in the journal; the results of my testing and his general observations about me.

I looked around, spotting Journal #3 on the table and picking it up, turning to the page with my entry on it. My entry page was after Dipper's entry, and it took up two pages. On the left page was a drawing of me (without my hat, since I hadn't been wearing it today since it was being washed), on the top right was a detailed sketch of my portal remote, and on the bottom right was a picture of my iPad with the picture I use as my profile picture on all my online accounts shown on the screen, with the text curving around the sketches. I began reading my entry.

 _Nathan V._

 _This otherwise ordinary teenager is actually from another plane of reality! He seems to access our reality through a device he calls a portal remote, which I have temporarily confiscated for examination. Extensive testing shows that he is no different from the humans in this dimension, however._

 _I was a bit put off by his casual attitude about everything._ _He seemed so unfazed by me coming out of the portal it was almost as if he had been EXPECTING me to. This, of course, is ridiculous, but I can't help but wonder why he was so calm about the whole thing. (He also called me "Sixer"_ _when we first met. This was a little surprising for me since only two people have ever called me that before.)_

 _He also cooperated well with my tests and answered all of my questions. My observations of Nathan are as follows:_

 _1) Strangely calm most of the time. When he does have displays of emotion though, they are quite noticeable._

 _2) Like Soos, Nathan has also survived a zombie bite. When I asked him about it, he explained that there was "a bit of a zombie incident," and that he was bit trying to protect Dipper and Mabel._

 _3) Seems to like making jokes and puns when he has a good opportunity to do so. (They're actually kind of funny!)_

 _4) Refused to tell me his full last name. I asked the others and they only know his last name initial as well. However, he did tell me it was "five letters long, and three of those letters are also in your last name."_

 _5) Has a computing tablet that he insists on calling an "iPad." I took a look at it, and it seems to be able to do just as much as the computing phones in the present, with the exception of making phone calls. That picture . . . this is far more than a coincidence. The sense of déjà vu I get looking at these symbols is overwhelming._

After my entry, the journal briefly goes into the symbols of the zodiac with six of the symbols on the next page before talking about the rift. After I had finished reading my entry in the journal, I closed it and set it back down on the table. To be honest, I had been kind of expecting something like this to be written about me in the journal, although some of it was also slightly unexpected. I opened the portal and went back to my home dimension, preparing for the unpredictable events that would take place for me tomorrow here in my own world.


	33. Dungeons, Dungeons, and More Dungeons

**Chapter 33: Dungeons, Dungeons, and More Dungeons**

So, things went really well on Monday. Instead of having to go to court and possibly serving jail time, I'm on a program that I must spend a total of 20 hours on over the next couple months and the incident will be wiped off my record entirely. The district attorney talked to me, and she was very understanding. She said that I wasn't the kind of person who should be in a courtroom, but a good kid who just made a bad mistake. So once I complete it, it'll be like the incident never even happened in the first place. Well, except for the fact that it's probably gonna cost me my entire life's savings so far. And at the current rate I make money, it's going to take over a year to recover the $150.

Then there's also finals coming up in school, and it hailed yesterday.

Entering the portal, I saw the Pines family relaxing in the gift shop when Ford came out from the vending machine secret basement with a cycloptopus on his arm.

"Everyone, get down! Don't let it taste human flesh!" Ford warned, punching the creature as it scurried along the floor.

"What is it?!" Dipper exclaimed, backing away from the cycloptopus as it scurried past him.

"Can we keep it?" Mabel asked.

"Kill it! Kill it!" Stan shouted, hitting it with his newspaper as Ford chased after it, backing it into a corner.

"Patience… and… gotcha!" Ford said, shocking it with his electric gloves and holding up its burnt body as a bad odor filed the room.

"Great, now get it out of here." Stan said, holding his nose. "It smells like if death could barf."

"Great-uncle Ford! Need any help with that?" Dipper asked eagerly, running up to Ford with Journal #2. "I've read all about these creatures in your journal, and I think I know how to—"

"No!" Ford interrupted Dipper, holding a hand up. "I'm sorry, Dipper. On the dark, weird road I travel, I'm afraid you cannot follow." Dipper's eager smile turned into a frown. "Well, call me for dinner!" Ford went back down into the basement as the vending machine closed behind him.

"M-maybe next time, then? Or not…? Or never…" Dipper said, his mood gradually getting more upset.

"Oh, Dipper. Don't take it so hard." Mabel said, putting a hand on Dipper's shoulder when Stan hit him on the head with his newspaper.

"No, _do_ take it hard. Take it hard and serious. My brother is a dangerous know-it-all, and the stuff he's messing with is even worse." Stan told him. "Do yourself a favor and stay away from him, you hear me?"

"But, Grunkle Stan, all summer long, I've wanted to know who the author of the journals was. Now, the guy lives in our basement and I can't even _talk_ to him." Dipper replied.

"Don't worry about what's in the basement. You belong up here, with me, Mabel, and Nathan." Stan said.

"Yeah! Besides, the season finale of Duck-tective is airing this Friday!" Mabel added. "That's all the mystery you need this week. Come on, quack with us, Dipper! Quack quack quack quack quack!" Mabel began quacking repeatedly, and Stan ended up joining in too. Dipper just stared at the vending machine as blue light came out through the cracks. "Quack quack quack! Quack! Qua— why isn't he quacking?"

"I… don't really feel like it right now." Dipper sighed.

"Don't worry, Dipper. Pretty soon, Ford will know just how unique you really are; I guarantee it." I said.

 **~Time skip brought to you by: "Aaand this is sad. Maybe I should start obsessing over Wendy again."~**

Mabel was writing a letter to her parents and I was watching the news when Dipper came in with a grin on his face and a box in his hands. "Mabel! Nathan! You'll never guess what I found at the store today!" Dipper exclaimed excitedly. "Well, Nathan, you probably can."

"Dogs! Dogs with hats!" Mabel guessed.

"No, it's my favorite fantasy-talking, level-counting, statistics and graph paper-involving game of all time: Dungeons, Dungeons, and More Dungeons!" Dipper replied, opening the box and showing us the game. "You want to play it with me?"

"Well, I do like unicorns. And that hot elf looks promising." Mabel said. _'You won't be liking unicorns for much longer.'_ "How do you play?"

"The rules are simple. First, you roll a 38-sided die to determine the level of each player's statistical analysis poweroid. These orbs relate directly to the number of quadrants that your team has dominion over, which is inverse to the anti-quadrants in your quadrant satchel." Dipper explained, reading from a book of rules as Mabel's smile gradually turned into a frown.

"And _then_ we ride unicorns?" Mabel asked.

"Yes!" Dipper answered as Mabel smiled. "…And no." Mabel frowned. "First we make a graph." Dipper continued as he held up a sheet of graph paper.

"Ugh! This is like homework the game!" Mabel groaned.

"Would you like to play Nathan?" Dipper asked me.

"Hmm… well, you'll have to teach me all the rules, but sure, I suppose." I replied.

"Yes!" Dipper exclaimed.

"Let's go outside, huh? I'm feeling like playing the game outside." I said. Dipper shrugged and we headed outside.

Dipper set up the game and began explaining the basics to me, while I barely understood what he was saying. Dipper let me roll first since I was new to this, explaining what was going on and what it meant when I rolled a number or he rolled a number, and as the game progressed, I gradually began to understand it more.

Then our game was interrupted by Gompers the goat trying to eat the 38-sided die.

"Hey! Give it back! C'mon, Gompers, let go!" Dipper exclaimed, pulling the die out of the goat's mouth as it rolled under the wooden porch and stopped just shy of falling into a hole. "Aw, man, my 38-sided die!"

Dipper crawled under the porch and I followed him, and as Dipper got close, the die rolled into the hole, and the ground around it crumbled, causing me and Dipper to fall through as well. We crashed through a wooden beam and onto a table, knocking its contents down, as we finally came to a stop on the floor of Ford's basement laboratory. Dipper got up and picked up the die, but as he did, Ford approached us.

"Dipper! Stop!" Ford warned. Dipper was close to the cycloptopus, which was in a broken container. Our fall on the table had broken it.

"Great-uncle Ford!" Dipper exclaimed.

"What did I say about coming down here? My work is far too dangerous for a single living soul to spend even one second in— wait!" Ford exclaimed. "Is that a 38-sided die from Dungeons, Dungeons, and More Dungeons?"

"Yeah! Y-you know that game?" Dipper said.

"'With pen and paper; shield and sword…'" Ford began.

"'Our quest shall be our sweet reward!'" Dipper joined in with Ford in saying this as they began laughing.

"This is my favorite game in the whole multiverse! I can't believe they still make it." Ford said.

"They do! And I've been teaching Nathan all day how to play it." Dipper replied, taking out the box for the game.

"My boy, do you know what this means?" Ford began. "We must stop everything I've been working on at once… and PLAY!" I immediately grabbed the rule book out of Ford's hands and used it to hit the cycloptopus that was in the middle of launching itself at Ford. "That… was a bit of a close one."

 **~Time skip brought to you by: our dimension's equivalent of D & D & More D: Dungeons and Dragons. I've never played that, by the way.~**

We were playing for hours on end, and with each passing game, I began to get a better understanding of the game as Dipper and Ford answered all my questions and helped me learn to play, and I have to say, I actually enjoyed it. Trying to explain its rules are kinda like trying to explain how to play Minecraft: it seems complicated when trying to explain it to someone, but it's actually a lot simpler than it would seem.

"Alright, you enter the chamber." Ford explained, rolling the die between his fingers like a snake would go around them. "Princess Unattainabelle beckons you… but wait! It's a trap! An illusion cast by Probabilitor the Annoying."

"You know his weakness, right?" Dipper said.

"Prime statistical anomalies over 37 but not exceeding 51." We all said as we rolled the dice, rolling the right numbers to exploit Probabilitor's weakness.

"Yes! Unh! In your face, you cardboard wizard!" Dipper exclaimed.

"Hmm. The old boy looks a bit different than he did back in my day." Ford mused, looking at the cardboard cutout of the wizard.

"Yeah, they change the art every few years." Dipper replied. "Thankfully, you missed the period when the creators of the game tried to make it 'cooler'. They renamed it 'Diggity Dungeons and All That' and changed Probabilitor's name to 'Probabilitizzle', among other things." Dipper continued, then shivered. "Must've been dark times; those '90s."

"Yeesh. Sounds like a good time to be stuck between dimensions." Ford said.

"Great-uncle Ford, I've been meaning to ask you. Where were you before you came out of that machine? And what have you been doing down here?" Dipper asked. "Are you working on something behind that curtain?"

"Dipper, it's best if you, Nathan and the family stay away from that subject. Honestly, I'm not sure if any of you could handle the real answer." Ford replied.

"But-but _I_ could handle it."

"Ah-ah! But I can show you a little something I brought back with me." Ford said, taking a plastic case out of the bag of dice and opening it, revealing… "The infinity-sided die." The die was constantly changing shape and the symbols were also constantly changing. I kept staring at it and saw several symbols: a fast-forward symbol, a sun, a skull, a butterfly, the symbol on Stan's fez, an arrow, a heart, two cherries, a playing cards diamond, an infinity symbol, a lightning bolt, a corn cob, a gem diamond, a speaker symbol, a spiral, a pair of scissors, a music note, √4, a llama, a pine tree, a pair of glasses, and so much more.

"Whoa. That's so cool! And impossible!" Dipper said.

"These things are outlawed in 9,000 dimensions. You wanna know why? Look at those symbols." Ford stated. "Infinite sides means infinite outcomes. If I rolled it, anything could happen. Our faces could melt into jelly. The world could turn into an egg! Or you could just roll an 8. Who knows?" Ford explained, closing the case. "That's why I have to keep it in this protective cheap plastic case."

"Hey Ford, would there happen to be any times that you rolled it and you remember what you rolled and what happened?" I asked.

"Well, there was this one time not that long ago where I rolled what looked like a pine tree and some armor inside of a portal, but I didn't notice anything happen." Ford answered. _'I think I know what it did.'_

"Alright; I was just wondering." I replied.

"Now, back to the game! You've got Probabilitor on the ropes." Ford said, putting the plastic case on the floor next to him.

 **~Time skip brought to you by: "Don't step to the wizard 'cause the wizard don't play nice!"~**

Dipper, Ford, and I were all playing D & D & More D in the living room, a few days later, when Mabel, Stan, and Grenda came into the room all geared up for Duck-tective and Grenda began trying to 'kill' the graph paper. We had decided to go for the world record of the most number of D & D & More D games played consecutively without stopping (except for eating, sleeping, and going to the bathroom).

"Dipper, could you maybe move this to another room?" Mabel asked.

"No dice!" Ford and I said simultaneously.

"We ran out of room in the basement and we're going for a world record." Ford continued. "Now, dice!" Ford rolled the die, and rolled a 32. "32! Yes! 7,000 points damage!" Ford cheered.

"You got me!" Dipper laughed. Stan, Mabel, and Grenda groaned. Mabel dropped her 'mouth ramp' on the floor as the food spilled on the board.

"Why?! Why with this?!" Stan groaned. "You wanna break a record, Ford? You already got it for world's nerdiest old man."

"Hey! At least I'm not all keyed up to watch a kid's show." Ford said.

"I'll have you know that Duck-tective has a _big_ mystery element and a lot of humor that goes over kids' heads." Stan told him.

"I don't get a lot of it, but I like animals in human situations." Grenda added.

"Grunkle Stan, it starts in a few minutes!" Mabel said. Stan pushed Mabel and Grenda aside and reached for one of the papers taped to the television when Ford grabbed his hand to stop him.

"Move that and pay the price." Ford threatened.

"Oh, what, fifty magical dwarf dollars?" Stan mocked.

"Don't mock our fantastical monetary system!"

"I'll mock all I want! It's my TV room!"

"It's my house, you—!" Ford stopped himself and sighed. "Listen, Stanley, did it ever occur to you that if you joined us, you might actually have fun?" Ford calmly asked.

"What?! Now you listen to me. As long as I live, I will never—" Stan began, taking the bag of dice out of Ford's hand.

"Grunkle Stan, wait!"

"— _ever_ —"

"Stanley!"

"—play your smarty-pants nerd game!"

"NO!"

Stan threw the bag of dice on the ground, and the infinity-sided die popped out of its case and rolled on the ground, before coming to a stop as a wizard icon appeared on the top face and the die glowed before a blue energy came out and surrounded the game box, causing the game characters to come to life and appear in front of us.

"Mortals of Dimension 46'\\! Kneel before me and…" Probabilitor paused and rolled a die, looking at it. "… snivel! I am Probabilitor! The greatest wizard in all mathology!… Give or take an error of 0.4."

"Eh… is this normal?" Stan asked.

"Have you come to send us on the quest of a lifetime because we're the smartest players you've ever met?" Dipper asked nervously as we all backed up.

"You _are_ the smartest players I've ever met!" Probabilitor agreed. "That's why I'm going to eat your brains to gain your intelligence. It's what I do."

"It's his thing!" The ogre added.

"WHAT?!" Dipper yelled.

"Seize them!" Probabilitor commanded.

"Your math is no match for my gun, you idiot!" Ford declared, taking out his blaster gun and preparing to fire.

"Math ray!" Probabilitor shouted as a huge blue ray of numbers and mathematical operators shot from his hands, blowing a huge hole in the shack's wall. "I'm not here to play games!" Probabilitor said as his minions grabbed me, Dipper, and Ford. "Now to the forest for the ULTIMATE GAME!"

Probabilitor flew off into the forest as his minions carried us there too, while I saw the shack shrinking in the distance. When we got into a certain part of the forest, Probabilitor tied the three of us to a tree and began measuring our heads.

"With each brain I eat, I shall increase my enchantelligence." Probabilitor cackled.

"If my hands were free, I'd break every part of your face!" Ford threatened.

"The time has come! Hot Elf! Ready the brain-cooking pot!" Probabilitor ordered.

"Yes, Probabilitor." The elf sighed, shooting a flaming arrow at the base of the pot, causing the wood under it to catch fire as the liquid in the pot began boiling.

"What do we do? What do we do?" Dipper panicked.

"Stop thinking, Dipper! The more wrinkly your brain gets, the more he'll want to eat it." Ford warned.

"And now, a little math problem. When I subtract your brains from your skulls, add salt, and divide your family, what's the remainder?" Probabilitor said, hitting each of our heads with his _math_ -ical staff.

"Your butt!" Mabel yelled.

"What?! My butt isn't part of this particular equation!" Probabilitor said, before turning around to see Mabel, Stan, and Grenda jump up from inside a bush. "Drat! How did you make it past my one guard? Very well. There's only one way your family can save you. You must defeat me in Dungeons, Dungeons, and More Dungeons: Real Life Edition!" Probabilitor declared, summoning a holographic projection of the D & D & More D playing field, which shrunk down to the size of the actual game.

"What?! Oh, come on!" Stan exclaimed.

"I choose my characters versus… yours." Probabilitor stated, snapping his fingers as the three of us were shrunk down to the size of a chess piece and teleported into his hand with outfits on.

"Ah! My ears! They're so pointy!" Ford said.

"There better be something protective under this tunic… oh no, there isn't!" Dipper exclaimed, peeking under his tunic.

"Seriously? Can't we just, like, arm wrestle or something?" Stan complained.

"Come on, this game is a lot of fun. I had my mom pack me a lunch." Probabilitor replied, taking out said lunch, pulling out a bag of apple slices. "Ew. Apple slices? I'll eat you last."

"Okay, okay. Hold on just one second." I said. "First of all, you're a grown wizard and you still have your mom pack you a lunch? And second, I'll take those apples if you don't want them. I actually like them."

"Oh, alright, you can have them." Probabilitor replied, shrinking the apple slices and giving them to me as I began munching on them.

"Just make with the rules, ugly." Stan sighed, putting some gum in his mouth.

"The game is a battle royale. We help our characters by casting spells determined by rolls of the dice." Probabilitor explained. "If you win, I go back to my own dimension. But if I win, I eat their brains!"

"Hey, I'm not sure this is such a good—"

"Deal!" Stan agreed, cutting off Dipper.

"Oh boy." Dipper said. "Psst. Nathan. Are we gonna win?" Dipper whispered.

"Yes." I replied.

"How do you know if we're gonna—"

"Let the game begin!" Probabilitor declared, cutting off Ford and rolling the die. "Attack!" The ogres ran at us with their club and axe as we ran from them, dodging them as best we could.

"What do we do? What are our moves?" Stan panicked.

"There are no moves! You make them up!" Dipper yelled back.

"What? Really?"

"Yes! I tried to tell you! This game involves math, but also risk and imagination!" Ford explained.

"Risk?" Stan said, rubbing his hands together.

"Imagination?" Mabel added, also rubbing her hands together. "Grunkle Stan, make something up! It's just like lying!"

"I cast, um… shield of… shielding!" Stan rolled the die, and a blue shield appeared in front of me, Dipper and Ford, blocking the ogre's attack. "Ha! We're doing it!"

"Shield of shielding reversal spell!" Probabilitor said, rolling the die as the shield disappeared.

"I cast giggle time bouncy boots!" Mabel rolled the die and some silly-looking boots appeared on our feet, allowing us to jump very high. "Hot flamey sword! Super hot flamey sword!" We got a sword on fire in our hands, and then it grew larger. We used the swords to defeat the ogres as Probabilitor complained about us defeating them.

"Drat you! You'll never outrun my… ogre-nado!" Probabilitor stated, rolling the die as a swirling tornado of ogres appeared, blowing the swords out of our hands and into the wall. "It is what it sounds like!"

"I cast centaur-taur!" Mabel said, rolling the die, summoning a horse that had its head replaced with the reversed and upside down body of another horse, as the two were joined at the neck.

"Mabel, I am so confused and so proud right now." Stan told her. The centaur-taur ran at us and Ford got on the back of one side before it flipped over and Dipper and I got on the back on the other side while Ford hung on upside down by the neck. The centaur-taur ran through the doorway, but was slightly too big as it disappeared while running through. Thankfully, the wall was enough to disperse the ogres as they all collapsed around the board and disappeared while Stan and Mabel cheered. Then we were grabbed by a hideous amalgamation of monsters.

"Yes! I was saving the worst for last!" Probabilitor laughed.

"Oh no!"

"The impossi-beast! Hey, I thought they banned this character." Ford said.

"Think again! I'm playing the controversial 1991-1992 edition." Probabilitor replied.

"I'll think of some weapons!" Mabel said, shaking the die.

"You don't understand. This is the most powerful monster in the game." Ford explained. "It can only be defeated by rolling a perfect 38. But the odds of that are—"

"Hey! Long odds are what you want when you're a world class gambler." Stan said, taking the die from Mabel and rolling it. "Alright, Stan. You can do this. Papa needs a new pair of… twins!" Stan tossed the die on the board, and we watched as the die rolled to a stop on the number 38.

"No!" Probabilitor yelled.

"Sorry, nerd wizard. All your smarts are no match for dumb luck." Stan replied.

"I cast death muffins!" Mabel shouted, as muffins with a lit candle that was actually a stick of dynamite appeared in our hands. We tossed the muffins into the beast's mouth, and watched as it exploded into muffins. The three of us were returned to normal with normal muffins in our hands as Stan and Mabel cheered.

"The game is, like, over. Excelsi-whatever." The elf said, while Grenda was hugging him. _'Has she been hugging him this whole time?'_.

"No! I'm returning to my own realm! I'm turning into pure math! What are the odds?!" Probabilitor yelled as he turned into just that, disappearing, as all his minions and the other stuff also disappeared.

"Grunkle Stan, that was amazing! How did you know that you would win?" Dipper asked.

"Hey, a gambler never reveals his secrets." Stan replied, picking up the die. I saw some gum stuck to it as he picked it up.

"Man, that _was_ fun for ages 8-80. Or a million, or however old you guys are." Mabel added.

"You know, I'm sorry for making fun of your game, kiddo." Stan sighed. "Sure, it might be too nerdy for me, but it's just the right amount of nerdy for you, Nathan, and my brother. And if you three wanna hang out sometimes, I won't get in your way."

"Actually, after all that, I could use a little mindless fun." Dipper replied.

"Guys, we can watch the second showing of Duck-tective! It's not too late!" Grenda added.

 **~Time skip brought to you by: "He had a twin brother all along? _That's_ the big twist we were waiting for?" "I predicted that, like, a year ago." Ahh, Gravity Falls. The town of coincidences.~**

"This will be here if you ever need it." Ford told us, putting the infinity-sided die in a more secure case.

"Really? Even though I got us into the whole game playing mess?" Dipper said.

"Well, technically, that was Stanley." I added.

"Ah, we all got carried away. I guess we've all gone for a while without a friend." Ford replied. "Dipper, Nathan, can I tell you something?" Ford asked as we nodded our heads. "You asked me earlier what I was working on. Well… I dismantled the portal. An interdimensional gateway is too dangerous for the world it feeds into. That's why I was mad at Stan for using it. He saved me, but, as I feared, the instability of the machine created this: an interdimensional rift." Ford explained, showing us the rift. "I've contained it for now, but it's incredibly dangerous. Dipper, Nathan, I don't want you to tell anyone about this. Not Stan, not even Mabel. Do you understand?"

"Yes." I replied.

"Oh. Of-of course." Dipper stuttered.

"In my time, I've made many powerful enemies. But I trust you with this secret." Ford said.

"Okay, now it's my turn to tell you something." I said.

"And what is that?" Ford asked.

"Well, I read your journal entry on me earlier, and, well… I actually _was_ expecting you to come out of the portal." I replied. "And it's not because Stanley spilled the beans earlier, either."

"Then… how _did_ you know?" Ford asked. I took a breath before continuing.

"I know everything that's going to happen this summer." I stated. Ford looked at me with wide eyes.

"You see, everything that happens this summer; it's all a TV show in my dimension. People in my dimension managed to record everything somehow interdimensionally and published it as a cartoon show from 2012 to 2016." I explained.

"Wait, 2016?"

"Yes. I theorize that they recorded it in the summer of 2012 in my dimension, but for some reason, this portal remote I have takes me to this summer here in Gravity Falls in 2012 even though it's 2018 in my dimension." I continued. "In fact, almost a year in my dimension has passed since I came to Gravity Falls the first time, but here in Gravity Falls, it's only been about two months."

"He's telling the truth too, great-uncle Ford." Dipper added. "He showed us at the beginning of summer."

"This all sounds… interesting, for sure, but is there any way you can prove it?" Ford asked me.

"Well, I know that, after today's adventure, in Journal #3, you're going to write about your interdimensional adventures that you had before you came out of the portal. Some of your dimensional adventures include the M dimension, where literally everything is, to some extent, shaped like the letter M, and their alphabet is just the letter M 26 times." I said. "Then there's also the time you were in a parallel dimension where your scientific research made you famous, but the parallel universe inhabitants immediately arrested you for fear of you meeting up with your parallel self and causing that dimension to cease to exist entirely."

"You-you're right. I did have those adventures, and I was going to write about them in my journal." Ford said. "This is incredible."

"So, um, yeah. That's what I wanted to tell you." I said. "So, I'll see you later then."

"Okay. Thank you for telling me this." Ford replied. "Now get yourself to bed, Dipper. I have much research to do."

"Good night, great-uncle Ford." Dipper said, heading upstairs.

"Good night, Dipper." Ford replied, as I went back home through the portal.


	34. The Stanchurian Candidate

**Chapter 34: The Stanchurian Candidate**

So, there's good news and bad news regarding the _incident_. The good news is that I don't have to shell out all of my $150. The bad news is I still have to shell out $75 of my $147.38.

And then there's also this fight me and my brother got into the other day. Basically, he has a superiority complex (actually, I'm not sure for real, but it seems like he does sometimes), and he was saying he could beat me in a fight. He was also calling me immature and a snitch and said he was more fit than me, and said that my aquatics class isn't valid exercise. One thing led to another and we began fighting.

Sure, he was beating me at first, keeping me pinned down; but after I squirmed out from under him, I began making a comeback and he ended up calling for mom, who pried us apart.

I walked away with nothing more than a single bruise under my eye, while he had a broken hand. And the funny part is that _I_ didn't do anything to his hand. _He_ broke it punching my head. The skull is the strongest bone in the entire body. Punching it as hard as you can won't work out too well for the hand. So now he'll be spending most of the summer not being able to swim or skateboard (he is obsessed with skateboarding more than Stanley Pines is obsessed with money), while my injuries have already healed up.

My brother was previously talking about how he could beat me in a fight. But who do you think won that fight?

Although, I wasn't quite able to go on my weekly adventure last week since I was stuck having to help my mom and brother clean the house last Saturday—on the first day of summer vacation, no less—and I would've gone the following Sunday, but I was still very tired from having stayed up all night Saturday night (it had nothing to do with cleaning house; I just couldn't fall asleep).

Oh well. Better late than never, I suppose. I walked through the portal to Gravity Falls and saw Ford screwing in a light bulb.

"…and we're done." Ford said as he finished screwing in the light bulb and everyone cheered.

"Does anyone see this? This is what a hero looks like here." Mabel said, gesturing to Ford.

"I thought we were out of light bulbs." Stan added, standing in the doorway with a new box of light bulbs.

"Oh, we were. So I invented my own." Ford replied. "It will last 1,000 years and the light it emits makes your skin softer." The others were in awe of their softer skin.

"Many of these inventions you make could really make a fortune, Stanford." I said. "Then again, if everyone had light bulbs that lasted 1,000 years, then the entire light bulb industry would go out of business for just as long."

"Anyway, where were you?" Ford asked, as Stan dropped the box of light bulbs in the trash.

"I'm gonna go watch some TV." Stan stated, walking into the living room and turning the TV on.

 _"This just in: the mayor is dead."_

"What?!" Stan exclaimed, dropping the remote.

"Whoa, what's going on?" Dipper asked.

 _"Raised by bears in the wilderness, mayor_ _Eustace Huckabone Befufftlefumpter was best known for raising the water tower, possibly starting World War I, and putting town menace Gideon Gleeful behind bars—in actual adult prison. A memorial statue is already being carved in the deceased mayor's honor."_ Shandra Jimenez continued on the news, before she began crying and her cohost put a hand on her shoulder. _"I'm sorry. It's just been so long since we've had real news. I'm just so happy!"_ Shandra Jimenez cried. _'The mayor just died and you're crying in happiness because you have "real news"? That is messed up.'_

 _"There will be a town hall meeting this afternoon to discuss replacing him."_ Shandra's cohost continued.

"New mayor, huh? Wonder who it could be…" Stan said.

 **~Time skip brought to you by: a movie called "The Manchurian Candidate", a move called "Lars and the Real Girl", a kids movie called "Land Before Time", and a movie called "The Hand That Rocks the Cradle". Sound familiar?~**

That afternoon, the Pines (minus Ford) and I were sitting down in the town hall building as sheriff Blubs quieted everyone down.

"We're here to choose a mayor for the first time in almost a century. According to the town charter…" Blubs began, opening up a scroll as a bat flew out and cobwebs fell apart. "…a worthy candidate is defined as anyone who can cast a shadow, count to ten, and throw their hat into the provided ring." Blubs read from the scroll as Durland put a ring on the floor. No sooner had he done so, however, before Bud Gleeful threw his straw hat into the ring.

"Well now, I do believe I fulfill all the requirements." Bud said.

"Yeah. So does everyone else in the entire town, except for very young kids that can't quite count to ten yet." I added.

"Alright, fair point." Bud replied. Meanwhile the twins were expressing their slight surprise at Bud running for mayor, and Stan was reminiscing about his happy memory of Gideon being thrown in jail. "Now, folks, I know our family's had its fair share of whoopsie-daisies in the past, but I'd like to make up for it by formally announcing my candidacy for the mayor of Gravity Falls. Any questions?"

"Yes. Are you still in contact with Lil' Gideon?" Toby Determined asked, still using a turkey baster as a microphone.

"That's a great question; I'm giving you 50% off a used car." Bud replied, dodging the question.

"50%? 50%?!" Toby exclaimed excitedly.

"In fact, everyone, look under your seats. YOU get half off a used car! YOU get half off a used car!" Bud continued, as everyone pulled out a coupon for 50% off a used car as promised.

"Wow! A colorful piece of paper? He's got _my_ vote." Mabel said.

"I wonder if we could combine two of them and get a free car?" I wondered aloud.

"Hey. Great idea, Nathan. I'll try it." Stan said, taking my coupon.

"Guys, I've got a really bad feeling about Bud Gleeful as mayor." Dipper stated.

"I don't know, dude. It's not like we have a lot of good mayor options." Soos responded. "Everyone in this town is a tad strange. Except, ironically, Tad Strange."

"It's a shame Ford isn't here. He'd run, and win, _and_ be a great mayor." Dipper continued.

"I'd run, but I'm not exactly here in Gravity Falls 24/7. Plus, I'm a bit young." I said. "Then again, the rules didn't say anything about an age requirement. Oh, and also, politics aren't my thing."

"So, since everyone's happy, I'll just take the oath of office now. Sound good, gavel up?" Bud continued, raising the gavel up. But before he brought it down, Stan threw his fez into the ring as well.

"Hold it right there, Bud! I'm taking you on!" Stan declared.

"Stanford? No offense, but you're just some two-bit carnival barker. And your head is more ears than face." Bud replied.

"Oh yeah? Well your face is more fat… than… not fat!" Stan said as everyone gasped. "What do you say, folks? Are we just gonna let Bud win? How 'bout a _real_ election?" Everyone in the room began cheering as the ring filled up with hats.

"Well, looks like we've got some competition here, folks. Which I'm fine with; totally fine with." Bud stated, before speaking specifically to Stan. "I was gonna let bygones be bygones, Stan, but you've just made a powerful enemy. I'll win either way, and when I do, you might not like the Gravity Falls you wake up in!" Bud told him, punching in the Mystery Shack on the map of Gravity Falls behind him.

"Election! Election! Election!" Everyone cheered as they walked out.

"Let the madness begin!" Blubs declared, lighting a cannon, which shot a cannonball through the window of the place.

"Grunkle Stan, what are you doing?" Mabel asked.

"Running for mayor." Stan responded. "Did I… did I not make that clear?"

"Grunkle Stan, it's not that we think you can't do it, it's just—" Mabel began.

"No no, it's okay, Mabel." Dipper said. "We don't think you can do it."

"Look, kids. The mayor kicking the bucket got me thinking. I'm an old man and I'm not getting any younger." Stan said. "My dumb brother's research is probably gonna make him famous, and what do I have to show for my life? Do I really want 'Crooked Grifter' on my tombstone? How about 'Crooked Mayor'?"

"Psst, guys, let's talk." Dipper whispered. "I know Stan isn't the best candidate—heck, he's committing voter fraud right now." Sure enough, Stan was shoving a bunch of slips of paper with his name on it in the voting box. "But Bud's definitely up to something and we're the only ones who can stop him."

"You're right, Dipper." Mabel agreed. "Besides, Stan has a kind of charisma. How hard could getting him elected be?" Dipper and Mabel took out some election hats and pins that said 'Vote Stan' and put them on, and handed me a pin as well.

"Okay, where the heck did you get those pins?" I almost demanded.

"We got them as a joke at the election campaign shop on the way here. They had all kinds of names." Mabel replied. "I didn't think he'd actually run."

 **~Time skip brought to you by: The senior quotes in my yearbook!~**

The day after that and the entire shack was already decorated with flags and various messages about voting for Stan.

"Spread the word, pig." Wendy said, as Waddles took off, with more messages saying to vote for Stan.

"Alright everybody, eyes up here." Dipper announced, holding a rolled up paper, opening it, and showing it to us. "Okay. Gravity Falls elections are based on two events: the Wednesday Stump Speech—held on an actual stump, and the Friday Debate, where townsfolk throw birdseed at the candidate they like most. At the end, they release the 'Freedom Eagle' who will fly to the candidate covered in more seed and bestow a birdly kiss upon him, anointing him mayor." Dipper explained, then rolled up the paper. "I couldn't make this up if I wanted to." After Dipper said that, the phone rang.

"Okay Grunkle Stan, are you ready for your first radio interview?" Mabel asked, picking up the phone.

"I got my mouth, don't I?" Stan replied.

"Okay, you're on with the candidate." Mabel said into the phone, handing it to Stan. Wendy turned on the radio as the program began.

 _"You're listening to Falls Radio; 24 hour news and bear rampage alerts. And now, here's the T-man."_ The radio announcer stated.

 _"Hello! Candidate Stan, first question: How do you feel about the American Flag?"_ Toby Determined asked on the radio. I handed Stan a paper with my prepared response on it: 'It's great! I love all the red and white stripes, and the stars on the flag representing each state is genius!' Stan read it and spoke.

"Eh, I could take it or leave it. Too many stripes. Next question." Stan said, completely ignoring the paper.

 _"What would you do to educate our kids?"_ Toby asked. I handed Stan another paper with my response on it, and told him to read from the paper.

"Heh, simple. Put 'em on an island and make 'em fight for dominance. Also, teach kids swears. That'll bring them into the real world." Stan answered.

 _"What would you do about the crime in Gravity Falls?"_ Toby questioned. I handed Stan a paper with my response.

"Read. The. Paper." I said. Stan looked at it and tossed it aside.

"Wait. You mean, crime in general, or just the specific crimes committed by m—" Stan began, before Dipper cut the wire, ending the interview.

"Okay, interview's over. Candy, what's the damage?" Dipper said.

"Your ratings started at zero. Now, it's a number lower than zero." Candy replied.

"You're meme-ing fast, and none of them are good." Wendy added, showing one such meme.

"That _is_ fast." I said.

"Look, Grunkle Stan. People are like smell markers, and you're black licorice." Mabel began. "It's not that you're unsniffable, you just need to learn when to keep the cap on."

"From now on, maybe you should just read our prepared remarks." Dipper said, handing Stan a paper.

"Heh heh. Sorry, kids, but I only say words that come out of my brain." Stan responded. "If my head says 'that lady's got an ugly baby', my mouth says 'whoa lady, you've got one ugly baby'."

"Well, this isn't good." Dipper muttered, leaving the room.

 **~Time skip brought to you by: "Is this the Krusty Krab…?"~**

Two days later, after Dipper retrieved the mind control ties from Ford and a humorous test of said ties, it was time for the stump speech.

"Eh, do I really have to wear this thing? It looks like a flag threw up on me." Stan said as Mabel put the tie on Stan.

"Grunkle Stan, just trust your lucky tie." Mabel replied.

"And now, Stanford Pines." Blubs announced on-stage.

"You're on, Grunkle Stan!" Mabel said, pushing Stan forward onto the stage, then taking out the other tie and handing it to me as I put it on. "Okay. We'll only jump in if he starts doing badly." Mabel said.

"You know what, screw it. He's gonna start off badly in the first five seconds." I said, turning on the tie, and began speaking. Every word I spoke, Stan said the exact same thing. "Hi there! Stan Pines here. You may know me as the owner of the Mystery Shack for 30 years running. But we all start from somewhere. I believe in America. And freedom. And most importantly, the town of Gravity Falls. Sure, like Bud said, I may have big ears, but there's a reason they're so big: I listen to everyone. So if you want a candidate who will listen to you, I'm proud to do just that." The crowd was quite pleased with this. Mabel then took the tie off me and put it on and made Stan dance. The crowd went crazy. Mabel turned the tie off and Stan came back.

"Grunkle Stan, that was amazing!" Mabel said, running up to hug Stan.

"Yeah. How'd you do it, Mr. Pines?" Soos asked.

"Uh, I don't know. I just opened my mouth and spoke from the heart. Or gut, or something." Stan responded. "What is that sound? Why are people jamming their hands together?"

"It's applause! Grunkle Stan, they love you!" Mabel replied.

"They… love… me?" Stan said.

"There he is! Mr. Pines, can we get a picture?" Toby asked, holding an actual camera this time.

"Yes we Stan!" We all replied, as we posed while Toby took said picture. After the picture was taken, Dipper and Mabel pulled me aside.

"Nathan, that was great! I thought you said politics weren't your thing." Dipper said.

"Well, I do know a few things about it." I replied. "And my mandatory public speech class in high school kinda helped."

 **~Time skip brought to you by: "… No, this is Patrick!"~**

Over the next couple hours, we kept helping Stan by controlling him with the ties, getting quite a bit of the audience's approval. The twins let me do about two-thirds of the talking. Stan ended up making the headlines of quite a few newspapers the next day. Now, we were just waiting for Stan at Greasy's Diner.

"Hey-o!" Stan yelled, making a dramatic entrance.

"Stan!" Everyone cheered.

"Now just the ladies!" Stan said.

"Stan!" All the ladies cheered.

"Now just the ladies my age!" Stan said.

"Stan!" A single elderly woman cheered.

"Woof. Never mind." Stan cringed, walking over to the table the twins and I were at as Lazy Susan put a plate of pancakes on the table with 'Stan 4 Mayor' on a piece of paper on a stick in the pancakes.

"On the house, mister big shot." Lazy Susan said.

"Now this I could get used to." Stan said as he began eating the pancakes. _'Mmm, I'm kinda hungry.'_

"Grunkle Stan, what's with the outfit?" Mabel asked. "You're missing your lucky tie."

"Power tie. Gotta wear it." Dipper added.

"Come on, have you seen the polls? I could debate naked and I'd still win." Stan replied. "Huh. Come to think of it…" I did my best to shove the image out of my head. Ever since the Blind Eye incident, I had gotten all of my memory back—including the image of Stan after I helped him out of the chair.

"Ha ha. Seriously though, we need you to wear that suit and tie, Grunkle Stan." Mabel said.

"Suit and tie. Gotta wear it." Dipper added.

"Ugh. Why do you kids have to constantly tell me what to do? Everyone in this town is finally showing me respect. Maybe you kids should too." Stan groaned.

"Grunkle Stan, we'd respect you if you took things more seriously." Dipper replied.

"I am taking this seriously! If you haven't noticed, everything that's come out of this golden mouth has put us on top, with or without your dumb advice!" Stan continued.

"Dumb advice?!"

"Yeah! Dumb advice!"

"Dang it, Stan! Every one of those speeches, we were controlling you!" Dipper said hotly.

"Dipper!" Mabel exclaimed.

"What?" Stan said.

"This tie is a mind control device invented by Ford. If it wasn't for this tie, you'd be losing!" Dipper replied, showing the circuitry inside.

"Well you can tell that know-it-all Ford that he can keep his fancy light bulbs and magic ties! I'm gonna win this debate on my own, without any of you!" Stan declared, leaving the diner.

"Stan, wait! You can't!" Dipper said, but Stan ignored him. "Oh, this is bad. If we wanna beat Bud, we need another candidate, fast."

"What we need is a blank slate. Someone totally suggestible. An empty piece of clay we can mold to our whims." Mabel continued.

"Hey, a little help, dudes? I accidentally got my head stuck in my shirt sleeves." Soos said, coming out of the bathroom in just that situation. "I guess this is my life now."

"No. I know what you're thinking, and no." I said.

 **~Time skip brought to you by: A forgettable blip in human history.~**

"Let the debate begin!" Shandra declared, ringing a bell.

"First question: What's your position on AXES? Wait, I mean… TAXES!" Manly Dan said.

"Easy. Taxes are the worst. I propose we stimulate the economy by waging wars on neighboring cities." Stan answered. "We. Have. The cannons." Everyone booed loudly.

"I don't know much about taxes, but I can promise you a kitten in every pot." Mabel said, wearing the tie and making Soos say the same thing.

"That doesn't make sense, Mabel." Dipper told her.

" _You_ don't make sense, Dipper!" Mabel replied. The tie began malfunctioning.

Tyler was silent.

"Friends, friends. Can't you see what's happening on this stage? These politicians are dancing around the issues. Well _I_ can _sing_ around the issues!" Bud said, tearing off his outfit, revealing another one underneath as he caught a guitar and began playing. " _Crime is bad. Crime is so, so bad. Vote for Bud and it ain't gonna be no crime. Crime's bad. Vote Bud._ " Bud sang.

"You may now throw your birdseed." Shandra announced. The crowd threw their birdseed, with a majority of it landing in Bud's birdseed bucket. _'They have amazing aims.'_ "And now, a quick intermission."

"We're getting eaten alive back there! Since when has Bud been creepily adorable?" Dipper said.

"I don't know! It's doesn't make sense!" Mabel responded. "He's almost acting just like… like…"

"Widdle… ol'… me." Gideon said. Bud was walking up to us in a zombie-like state as Gideon in prison appeared on the screen on his belt. "Hello there! Long time no see. Except in my revenge fantasies, where I see you on an hourly basis."

"Gideon! I knew you were somehow behind this. You've been controlling Bud!" Dipper said.

"And it seems _you've_ been controlling Stanford. I have to hand it to all y'all. You've gotten much eviler since I last saw ya." Gideon replied. "Daddy." Gideon snapped his fingers, and Bud came at us, grabbed the three of us, took us up into the memorial of the deceased mayor, and tied us into some chairs next to some dynamite. "Behold, your grand view of the debate! Once I win this election, I'll finally rule this backwoods town!"

"You'll never get away with this, you creepy little dork!" Mabel shot.

"Oh, I'd be happy to spare you, Mabel. If you agree to be mine. I even made you this wedding dress in crafts class!" Gideon replied, holding up a poorly made dress, then dropping his voice to a whisper. "Don't ask what it's made of."

"Ew! I'd rather die, you creep!" Mabel spat.

"Fine! Have it your way. Once I win, they'll hit the plunger for the fireworks display, finishing the mountain's construction, trapping y'all inside!" Gideon explained while leaving. "I've been trapped behind concrete all summer. Now see how you like it!"

" _You_ deserve to be behind stone! You did it to yourself!" I shouted at him.

"Doesn't matter! Say hello to the next mayor of Gravity Falls, kids!" Gideon replied, laughing as he left. The three of us were left struggling for a while before we gave up.

"We need to get out of here!" Mabel panicked.

"Let's call for help! Maybe someone will hear us." Dipper suggested.

"HELP! HELP US!" Mabel yelled.

"WE'RE TIED TO A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS!" Dipper shouted. We began hopping as the chairs got closer to the nostril hole, but we got too close and fell down. The audience noticed us almost immediately.

"Nobody. Move. A muscle. No matter what." I said stiffly. "My extra weight will make the rope break faster."

"Kids!" Stan yelled. The rope holding us began to break under our weight. "Listen everybody, this debate is over. I gotta go save my family!"

"HURRY!" I yelled. "THE ROPE IS BREAKING!"

Stan left immediately, not saying another word, tearing off his sleeves and climbing up to the platform next to the head as the crowd threw birdseed at him, attracting eagles. Ignoring the eagles, Stan kept climbing, leaping over to the nose and quickly going inside of the head. Then the rope broke. Luckily, Stan caught it right before it fell out of reach. He had it on the very end; probably less than a hundredth of a second longer and we'd be plummeting to our death.

"Grunkle Stan!" We said as Stan pulled the rope up.

"Kids! Look, I'm sorry I was being stubborn. I guess being the town's hero wasn't enough. I wanted to be yours, too." Stan apologized.

"We're sorry, Grunkle Stan. We should've listened to Nathan and supported you, win or lose." Mabel said, also apologizing.

"Probably lose." Dipper added.

"I can still drop you, you know." Stan replied, but he didn't drop us. Instead, he hugged us as he finally got us up safely, then untied us before we walked out onto the nose while the crowd cheered and threw a bunch of birdseed into Stan's bucket. We saw Bud get upset and walk over to the plunger to explode the dynamite.

"Oh no. We have to get out of here!" Dipper said.

"Kids, if I die, make sure I get a bigger tombstone than Ford." Stan told us, as he grabbed the twins into one arm and me into the other, and jumped right as the explosion occurred. Thankfully, we landed in the huge pile of birdseed in and around the bucket, completely unharmed. Red hot rocks rained down as the audience fled. Then after a few seconds, the rocks stopped. A buzzer sounded as the eagle was released. The eagle flew over to Stan, perching on Dipper's hat and kissing Stan before flying away. Stan got out of the pile of birdseed, pulled the three of us out, and dusted himself off as the crowd began cheering for the new mayor, Stan.

"Well, I guess we know who won." Dipper said as fireworks went off behind us.

 **~Time skip brought to you by: Stanley Pines singing the Star Vs. The Forces of Evil intro! It's pretty funny, too.~**

 _"This just in: Stanford Pines loses."_

"What?!"

 _"Despite winning an overwhelming 95% of the vote, election officials had to disqualify him due to discovery of an extensive criminal record."_ Shandra announced on the news.

"Oh boy." Stan said.

"Stan, what did you do?" Mabel asked.

"What _didn't_ I do?" Stan responded.

 _"Crimes include shoplifting, teaching bears to drive, a new crime he invented called 'burgle-bezzlement', first degree llama-cide…"_ Shandra said.

"That llama knew too much." Stan muttered.

 _"Due to this shocking development, it would appear the mayorship passes to the only candidate who actually filled out their paperwork: local enthusiasm enthusiast, Tyler Cutebiker."_ Shandra continued. _"We will dedicate the rest of this broadcast to listening Stan's crimes. First degree thermometer theft. Pug trafficking."_ Stan turned the TV off.

"At least they didn't list any of the bad ones." Stan sighed. "On an unrelated topic, I have a lot of cheap pugs, and I need to move them fast."

"Oh, I'm sorry, Stan. I actually think you as mayor would've been fun." Dipper said.

"Ah, maybe it's for the best. I got close to the dream though, kids." Stan replied.

"Hey, I knit you something. It's not official, but… I think it fits." Mabel said, holding up a sash that said 'Our Hero' on it. Stan sniffed.

"Grunkle Stan, are you crying?" Dipper asked.

"I got campaign confetti in my eye. Come on kids, wanna go vandalize mayor Tyler's mansion?" Stan said.

"Yay!" Mabel cheered.

"Yay, vandalism!" Dipper cheered.

"Have fun!" I said, leaving through the portal.


	35. The Last Mabelcorn

**Chapter 35: The Last Mabelcorn**

Yesterday was my 17th birthday. And today was my birthday party. Nothing big; just a couple of friends over with the party at my house. Cake, presents, ice cream; you know, the basics. My birthday was Gravity Falls themed this year. Every present I got this year was Gravity Falls related merchandise.

The party ended not that long ago, too, so now I was headed off to Gravity Falls.

"Hey, guys! Guess what?" I said, coming through the portal into the hallway next to the twins.

"What is it?" Mabel asked.

"I turned 17 yesterday!" I replied excitedly.

"Whoa! 17 already?" Dipper exclaimed.

"I know, right? And my birthday party was today!" I said. "I would've invited you, but there were a few people at the party who know who you two are, but don't know that there is a gateway between your world and mine. I did bring you some cupcakes, though!" I continued, holding out a paper plate with two cupcakes on it and giving one to each twin.

"Thanks!" The twins were about to eat the cupcakes when they saw the edible design on them: it was the twins, Stan, Wendy, and Soos looking at something not pictured, although Mabel was actually holding onto something that was difficult to make out on there.

"I may or may not have had a Gravity Falls themed birthday this year. You can eat that design too, by the way." I said, answering their curious looks. The twins looked at each other, shrugged, and began eating the cupcakes. When they were done, they threw away the wrappers and Dipper walked up to the closet door.

"Alright. Grunkle Stan's gotta have _some_ decent board games." Dipper said as he opened the closet door.

"Let's see. 'Battle Chutes and Ladder Ships', 'Necronomiconopoly', 'Don't Wake Stalin'…" Mabel read the titles of some of the board games.

"Hey, what's this?" Dipper said, picking up a board game. "'What Could Go Wrong?: The Board Game'. 'The last players who opened this box never made it out alive!'."

"Well, I guess I know what we're doing today."

"This should take up the next 21 minutes."

"Family meeting! Family meeting!" Ford called from the living room. We headed into the living room as the twins threw their wrapped away. "Ah, children. Come in, come in."

"Ooh, mysterious scrolls and potions. Are you going to tell us we're finally of age to go to wizard school? Is there an owl in this bag?!" Mabel said eagerly, about to look inside the bag on the table.

"No! I can assure you if there's an owl in this bag, he's long dead." Ford replied as Mabel frowned. "Now tell me, children. Do any of you recognize this symbol?" Ford asked, showing us a picture of Bill Cipher. The twins gasped.

"Bill." Dipper said simply.

"You- you know him?" Ford questioned.

" _Know_ him? He's been terrorizing us all summer!" Dipper replied. "I have so many questions and theories."

"Dipper's been pretty paranoid since Bill turned Nathan into a living sock puppet." Mabel said.

"The important thing is we defeated him twice." Dipper continued.

"Once with a skeleton and once with running." Mabel added.

"It was a lot more heroic than it sounds." Dipper stated.

"I can confirm all of this." I said.

"The fact that you've dealt with Bill is gravely serious." Ford replied.

"So, how do _you_ know Bill?" Dipper asked.

"I've encountered many dark beings in my time, Dipper." Ford said. "What matters is his powers are growing stronger, and if he pulls off his plans, no one in this family will be safe! Fortunately, there should be a way to shield us from his mental tricks. A way to Bill-proof the shack." Ford continued, pulling out a blueprint of the shack and circling some places on it. "All I have to do is place some moon stones here, here, and here, sprinkle some mercury, let's see… I always forget the last ingredient." Ford took out Journal #1 and opened it up. "Ugh. Unicorn hair."

"That's not, like… rare, is it?" Dipper asked.

"It's hopeless. Unicorns reside deep within an enchanted glade, and their hairs can only be obtained by a pure, good-hearted person who goes on a magical quest to find them." Ford explained. Mabel screamed.

"Grunkle Ford, can I _please_ go on this quest?! I am _literally_ obsessed with unicorns!" Mabel said. "My first word was unicorn, I once made my own unicorn by taping a traffic cone to a horse's head…! Are you even looking at the sweater I'm wearing right now?!" Mabel's sweater was a unicorn on a red, orange and yellow background. "Not to mention that I'm _probably_ the most pure of heart person in this room."

"That's true, she has a point."

"I can't argue there."

"So can I go on a mission to get that hair? Please please please? I'LL GIVE YOU MY BLOOD!" Mabel shouted.

"Very well, but it won't be easy. Take this. And this." Ford said, handing Mabel the journal, and a loaded crossbow.

"Ooh."

"I haven't been in this dimension for a while. It's okay to give children weapons, right?" Ford wondered.

"Psh. Come on, dawg." Mabel said, holding the crossbow, which fired. The arrow shot through the window, and set off a car alarm.

"Ah! It's the cops! Gun it!" Stan yelled from outside, as tires screeching was heard before the car sped off and several small barks were heard. Mabel pulled out her phone and pressed the speed dial.

"Candy, Grenda, Wendy! Clear the afternoon!" Mabel exclaimed into the phone as she left.

"So, what are the odds she get that hair?" Dipper asked.

"Unlikely. I've dealt with unicorns before, and if I had to describe them in one word, it would be: 'frustrating'." Ford replied.

"So, what are we gonna do about Bill?" Dipper asked.

"Follow me." Ford replied, leading us into the basement, and down the elevator to '2', unlocking the door, and opening it. "Welcome to my private study, a place where I keep my most ancient, and secret knowledge. Even your uncle Stan doesn't know about this place." Ford walked forward, and Dipper and I followed. Dipper saw a painting covered by a sheet, and was about to peek underneath.

"Dipper, come along. If we can't Bill-proof the shack, we're going to have to do the next best thing: we're gonna have to Bill-proof our minds." Ford continued, taking a metal helmet out and flipping the switch, causing the helmet to open. Ford turned on various other switches as well and put the helmet on my head (after I took my hat off).

"So, what is Bill, exactly?" Dipper asked.

"No one knows, for sure. Accounts differ of his true motivations and origins. I know he's older than our galaxy, and far more twisted." Ford explained. "Without a physical form, he can only project himself into our thoughts through the mindscape. That's why he wants this." Ford continued, holding up the rift. "I dismantled the portal, but with this tear, Bill still has a way into our reality. To get his hands on this rift, he would trick or possess anyone."

"So, how do we keep Bill out of our minds?" Dipper asked.

"Well, there's a number of ways. I personally had a metal plate installed in my head." Ford explained.

"Heh heh. Good one." Dipper chuckled. Ford lightly knocked on his cranium, creating a metal clanging sound. Dipper awkwardly cleared his throat.

"But this machine is safer. It will scan your mind, bio-electrically encrypting your thoughts so Bill can't read them."

"Why are you doing me first?" I asked.

"Well, since you're from another dimension, and you know the future, your thoughts would give Bill a huge advantage if he picked up on any critical information. Now say hello to your thoughts." Ford said, turning the machine on.

 _"I'm so glad it's finally my birthday! I really wish I got the Nintendo Switch I asked for, though." "When are the new Steven Universe episodes coming out?" "I wonder if 'Nuclearmageddon' is a good story title for a nuclear apocalypse." "M-m-m mm, mmm-mmm-mm m-m-m…" "Oh, man. I really wish I had a girlfriend. Will I be single forever?" "I really really hope Starco becomes canon in Star Vs. The Forces of Evil Season 4! Starco forever!"_ Those were my thoughts on the screen. The humming one was to the tune of Megalovania.

"By the way, you never told me what your history with Bill was." Dipper said.

"Dipper, do you trust me?" Ford asked.

"Well, yeah, but—"

"Then you'll trust that that's not important." Ford cut off Dipper.

Meanwhile, I had fallen asleep and began dreaming. They were normal dreams at first, until the last one.

I was standing in a forest; the ruins of the shack in the distance. Then the trees spontaneously combusted and burned very quickly, leaving nothing but ashes in less than five seconds, and the ashes on the ground were in the shape of a very familiar-looking eye as I heard a very familiar-sounding laugh.

"Where are you, Bill?!" I shouted. In front of me, the ashes all gathered into a single pile, floating up in the air, and began glowing as it shaped itself into a triangle, before a bright flash of light appeared for a split second and the ash was replaced with Bill Cipher.

"Well, well, well, well, well well well well well well well." Bill said as he split up into six copies of himself in a triangle formation with three triangle-shaped holes in between. "Look at what we have here. It's my favorite extra-dimensional puppet! Nathaniel Isaac Vikse, my dear friend." ('Vikse' is pronounced 'Vick-see'. You'd be surprised at how often a five letter name is mispronounced.)

"I demand to know how you know my full name!" I yelled.

"That's not important right now. You and I both know I've got big plans. I've been making deals, chatting with old friends, preparing for the big day." Bill continued. "Sixer thought shutting down that portal would stop me, but he was wrong. I just need that rift and, well… let's just say that this place is gonna learn how to party. And once I take over this dimension, I plan on taking over your dimension as well. And I'll just need to get your portal remote to do so." Bill continued, as the triangle-shaped gaps between the six Bills filled in and the six merged into one large Bill.

"And just _what_ makes you think that I'll just _let_ you take over this world _and_ my world?" I questioned.

"Simple: I'm willing to make you a deal. All you have to do is allow me to get that rift, and give me your portal remote, and I'll be willing to allow you to rule over the galaxies with me. Any problem you encounter, you'll have the power to destroy it!" Bill continued. "I'll even give you a girlfriend like you want so much! So what do you say, Bedrock Armor? Is it a deal?"

"Hmm. That is a tempting offer. But you're forgetting one thing." I said.

"Oh? And what's that?"

"Love gained from hypnotism, mind control, or anything else like that isn't true love at all! So I'm gonna have to pass!" I yelled.

"Hm. I suspected you'd say something like that. So I have another offer for you." Bill replied. "Help me pull off my plans, and give me your remote, and I'll give you the power to see if anyone is in love with you, your very own galaxy, and more. But if not… **you'll regret it.** "

"And how is that?" I asked, slightly intimidated by the voice change. Bill snapped his fingers and I felt a very weird and impossible to describe sensation on my chest. I peeked under my shirt and saw a Bill Cipher emblem on my chest.

"This mark I gave you will kill you if you don't agree. All I have to do is snap my fingers, and BOOM! Bye-bye forever! All your muscles and bones will be scattered out over a ten foot radius!" Bill explained. "So how 'bout it now? Will you help me out, or die in a bloody explosion of skin and organs?"

I was officially scared now.

"…"

"I'm waiting." Bill said.

"…Okay, fine." I muttered, so quietly that it was barely audible.

"What was that?" Bill asked.

"I said fine." I said, slightly louder, but still pretty quiet.

"I can't hear you." Bill said in a mocking tone.

"FINE!" I yelled.

"THAT'S what I like to hear!" Bill said. "Oh, and by the way, if my plans fail, I'll kill you. If you tell anyone about this, I'll kill you. If anyone finds out about this, I'll kill you. It doesn't matter who it is or how how they find out. **I'll kill you.** " Bill said, laughing as he faded out and my dream ended with an image of the zodiac, an image of an eye like that of Bill's, an image of a six-fingered hand with a 1 in it, and an image of the portal machine in quick succession.

I woke up to the helmet clattering on the floor after Ford tossed it off, knocking the curtain down and revealing all of his old Bill artifacts. I discretely peeked under my shirt and saw the Bill Cipher emblem still there.

"Why- why were you shaking hands with Bill? You said Bill would possess anyone so he could get this." Dipper told Ford, grabbing the rift off the table, and almost dropping it.

"Careful! Hand me the rift. Now, boy!" Ford ordered.

"Why were you _really_ scanning Nathan's thoughts? Are you Bill right now?!" Dipper questioned, grabbing the memory eraser gun and pointing it at Ford as he backed away.

"Now just-just calm down, p—"

"Pine Tree?! Is that what you were going to call me?" Dipper exclaimed.

"I was going to say 'please', kid!" Ford replied.

"Great-uncle Ford told me to protect the rift. Get one step closer, and I'll shoot. I'll erase you right out of Ford's head!" Dipper threatened.

"It's me, Dipper, it's your uncle!" Ford responded.

"Trust no one. Trust no one. Trust—" Dipper muttered.

"Hand it to me!" Ford demanded. Dipper shot the ray and it bounced off of Ford's face, ricocheting around the room before shattering the screen of one of the machines, effectively breaking the whole thing. Dipper quickly got up and tried to fight back some more as Ford picked him up.

"Let go of me!" Dipper exclaimed.

"Now, now. Just calm down. Look into my eyes. Look at my pupils. It's me, Dipper. It's me." Ford reassured. Dipper finally calmed down at this.

"I tried to erase your mind. I'm so sorry." Dipper apologized.

"It's okay, Dipper. Besides, my mind can't be erased anyway, remember?" Ford replied, tapping on his head with his knuckles to make the metal plate clang. "If that really was Bill though, you would've done great. I should've been more like you when I was young. Dipper, I was a fool to try to hide all this. The reason I've been trying to prepare you for Bill's tricks is because Bill tricked _me_. It's the biggest regret of my life. Bill wasn't always my enemy, Dipper. I used to think he was my friend. Long, long ago." Ford began.

"I had hit a roadblock in my investigation of Gravity Falls, until I found some mysterious writing in a cave. Ancient incantations about a being with answers. It warned me not to read them, but I was desperate." Ford explained. "I read the inscription aloud, but nothing happened. Until later that afternoon when I had the most peculiar dream. I met Bill in the dream. He told me he was a muse; that he chose one brilliant mind a century to inspire. What a fool I was; blinded by his flattery and games. He became my research assistant. He was free to move in and out of my mind as he pleased. We were partners.

"When he told me that I could complete my research by building a gateway to other worlds, I trusted him. He said this was the way genius happened: with a little help from a friend. It seemed that I was on the verge of my greatest achievement. Until my partner got a glimpse of Bill's true plans. I'd been betrayed. I shut the portal down, severing the link between Bill's world and ours. I had to hide my instructions so no one could ever finish Bill's work. Bill's been waiting for the gateway to reopen ever since. All he needs to do is get his hands on this rift. To Bill, it's just a game. But to us, it would mean the end of our world." Ford finished.

"Oh, man." Dipper said.

"Oh, man, indeed." Ford agreed as we headed upstairs.

"Ugh, I'm so embarrassed about earlier. I'm such an idiot." Dipper sighed.

"From now on, no more secrets between us." Ford said. "We're not the first two idiots to be tricked by Bill, boy, but if we work together, we could be the last."

"You know, it'd sure be nice if we had some unicorn hair." I said.

"Did someone say 'unicorn hair'?" Mabel exclaimed, hitting her fist full of unicorn hair on the table.

"Yup." I replied.

"Well, we got some unicorn hair!" Mabel said.

"Also some unicorn tears, unicorn eyelashes…" Candy added.

"They finally gave us this treasure just to get rid of us." Grenda said as she dumped a treasure chest full of gold and other things on the table.

"It can't be." Ford exclaimed. "This is a great day, girls. With this unicorn hair, we'll be able to completely shield the shack from Bill's mind reading tricks."

"Is it okay?" Mabel asked.

"Better than okay, it's perfect. You've protected your family. You're a good person, Mabel." Ford replied.

"Thanks, Grunkle Ford. But today I learned that morality is relative." Mabel said.

"MONEY!" Stan shouted, running past the table and grabbing as much of the gold as he could and running off with it as I laughed.

 **~Time skip brought to you by: Getting a death threat from the one and only Bill Cipher was _exactly_ how I wanted to spend the day after my birthday… NOT!~**

Dipper glued the last strand of unicorn hair on the side of the shack, connecting the hair all the way around. The hair glowed, and a large blue mystical shield appeared around the shack before turning invisible.

"Perfect! This will protect us from Bill. As long as we're inside, our minds are safe." Ford said. "Listen, Dipper. I realize now that it's time that I tell you everything I know about Gravity Falls. No more secrets. Go ahead and ask me any question you have."

"Why is Gravity Falls so weird?" Dipper asked.

"An excellent question, my boy. I myself was obsessed with finding an answer to this question when I was younger." Ford began. "Follow me." The three of us borrowed Stan's car and we drove up to the town border. We got out of the car and went to the top of a hill as Ford pulled a bag of jelly beans out of his pocket.

"Think of everything in this universe as a jelly bean; made of the same basic materials, varying in color and flavor, but more or less all conforming to an expected pattern." Ford explained. "But every now and then, one comes out odd; weird." Ford pulled out a jelly bean that looked like two of them had fused together. Then he put it back in the bag, and dumped the entire bag on the ground. All of the beans tumbled down the hill—except for one. The deformed one seemed to magically bounce _up_ the hill right to the town border. Dipper's eyes widened with realization.

"My theory is that Gravity Falls is a weirdness magnet. Everything from gnomes to fairies to men with six fingers like myself are drawn to this town. I believe that my arrival here—and quite possibly yours, too—was not a coincidence. It was fate that brought us here." Ford explained. "You and I are some of the strangest beans this town has ever seen, Dipper."

"Mason." Dipper blurted out suddenly, surprising himself. Then he repeated himself. "My real name is Mason. Dipper is just a nickname. But everyone got used to it, and now it feels too late to tell everyone the truth." Dipper said. "And it's kind of a dumb name, anyway. Don't tell anyone."

Ford smiled and tusseled Dipper's hair. "Your secret's safe with me, Mason." Ford said. "And I think it's a great name. The Masons are a great secret society, you know."

"No worries, Mason. I won't tell anyone. It'll be just 'Dipper' for now, until you're ready." I told him. Dipper smiled.

"Thanks, guys." Dipper said.

"No prob, Dip." I replied, heading through the portal back home.


	36. Roadside Attraction

**Chapter 36: Roadside Attraction**

Another mostly boring, uneventful week ending in another fun, eventful time in Gravity Falls. I stepped through the portal and saw the Pines family getting ready for their road trip.

"And don't forget bug spray! It's perfect for spraying in the face of hitchhikers." Stan said.

"Whoa. An RV? Camping gear? Are you running from the law again?" Dipper questioned.

"Dude! It's the ultimate Oregon road trip adventure." Soos said.

"More like 'Revenge Trip'. Every year, my tourist trap competitors prank the Mystery Shack. Last year those hooligans duct-taped Soos to the ceiling." Stan said.

"That was a fun 78 hours." Soos added.

"Well, no more! This year, we're visiting every tourist trap along the redwood highway, and I'm gonna prank back every single one." Stan explained, handing Dipper a map of his plans.

"Bow wow. Time to let the road dogs bark." Grenda said, as Mabel, Candy, and Grenda came up.

"That is us. We are the road dogs." Candy added.

"Thanks for letting me bring Candy and Grenda along for our road trip, Grunkle Stan." Mabel said.

"The more the merrier." Stan replied. "Just sign these non-disclosure agreements. None of your parents are lawyers, right?"

"What do you say, dude? You coming?" Soos asked.

"I already went to the trouble of packing all your stuff. Even the stuff you kept in that secret box under the bed. Whoa!" Mabel exclaimed, dropping the box as a bunch of pictures of Wendy and Dipper's old confession letter spilled out. "What the-? What's that…" Mabel sighed, saying the last part more than asking it.

"Uh, nothing!" Dipper said, scrambling to pick up the stuff. "Just… Wendy stuff… from old times."

"Ugh!" Mabel and Soos groaned.

"Bro, I thought you were finally past all this." Mabel said.

"Ugh, I know, I know." Dipper sighed, lightly hitting himself on the head. "I know she's not interested, and I know it's over, but… how do you just turn off the way you feel about someone?"

"Two words, Dipper: move on." Mabel told him. _'I know from personal experience that moving on takes a while.'_

"Yeah, dude. And a road trip's the perfect place to meet new people." Soos added.

 **~Time skip brought to you by: Road trips!~**

"Man, RVs are amazing! I can't believe we're sitting at a table, in a moving vehicle!" Grenda stated.

"You should try riding on a passenger train at some point. They have tables where you eat at in some of the train cars." I added.

"Ooh! Informational travel pamphlets. I want to read them all and gain their travel knowledge." Candy said.

"Kid, those useless pamphlets have never helped a single person. The only wrinkly old travel guide you'll need is me." Stan cut in. "Now look alive. We're coming up on an attraction run by the most black-hearted proprietor in all of Oregon. Don't let the face fool you. This woman lit my car on fire on two non-consecutive occasions." Stan added as we came up on the world's biggest ball of yarn and we climbed out.

"I'm going in, girls." Mabel said, jumping into the ball of yarn the size of a car. Candy and Grenda were quick to follow. Meanwhile, Dipper spotted a girl around his age walking by with ice cream.

"Okay. Like Soos said; meet new people." Dipper muttered, walking up to the girl and clearing his throat. "So, uh… come here often?" Dipper began nervously.

"No, I'm a tourist." The girl replied, sounding slightly annoyed.

"You're funny. And cute. I mean, not cute. I mean, you're not _not_ cute. Whew. Let me start over. My name is Dopper." Dipper said, holding out his hand. The girl just put her ice cream face down on Dipper's hand and left.

"' _Dopper_ '?" I said. "Why'd you say ' _Dopper_ '?"

Dipper wasn't listening to me though as he ran off by orders of Grunkle Stan through the radio, grabbing the end of the string Mabel handed him from inside the ball of yarn, and tied it to the bumper of the RV. Dipper sighed after he was done.

"Something on your mind, kiddo? You're thinking about miss cold shoulder over there, huh?" Stan asked.

"Ugh, I'm so embarrassed." Dipper sighed. "Look, earlier this summer, I ruined my chances with Wendy…"

"Heh, yeah… 'chances'…"

"And I want to move on, but I'm terrible at talking to girls." Dipper continued. "The moment I open my mouth around them, I unravel like… like…"

"A loose knot?" I said.

"Yeah, that's it." Dipper said. Meanwhile, Mabel and Grenda were having fun messing around in the giant ball of yarn. "At this rate, I'm gonna grow up to be a sad loner like Toby Determined."

"Whoa. _Never_ say that about yourself." Stan said. "Lucky for you, I'm an expert on women. Listen to me, kid. When it comes to girls, always be confident. And be funny. But not too funny. And be kind of annoying, but in a loveable way."

"I don't know, Grunkle Stan. This sounds kinda jerky." Dipper said.

"Hey, 'jerky' is just a term non-jerks use to badmouth innocent jerks." Stan replied.

"The quote of the year." I chuckled.

"Confidence, comedy, some third word starting with a 'C'. The three C's of the Stan Pines dating technique. At the next tourist trap, try out my advice on the first girl you see." Stan advised.

"Cool. Grunkle Stan, thanks." Dipper told him.

"Hey, I'm full of good ideas." Stan replied. "Speaking of which, everyone, NOW!" We all rushed into the RV and Stan slammed the gas, unraveling the yarn as we sped off to Upside Down Town.

"Hey, Dipper. One thing? Whatever you do…" I began.

"Yeah?"

" _Do not_ go too far." I warned darkly.

"Ah, Upside-Down Town. The nausea capital of the state." Stan said s we got out of the RV. "Whatever you do, don't use the bathrooms."

We put on some special grip shoes that would hold us to the carpet on the floor/ceiling, testing them out before we got on the 'upside-downifier' which turned us upside down. I put a hand on my pocket to prevent my phone from falling out. The shoes held us to the carpet as we walked inside. It was just like a normal house, but upside down, and everything was nailed or screwed down and adjusted to account for the gravity pulling everything to the ceiling. Dipper saw another girl and built up his courage.

"Hi. I'm Dipper. Crazy place, right?" Dipper said.

"Oh, hi! I'm Emma Sue." The girl said. "You know, if you pretend we're right side up, it looks like everyone's hair is standing on end."

"Huh. Yeah, weird, right? Pretend you're screaming."

"Okay. You gotta take a picture of me, though." Emma said, handing her phone to Dipper and pretending to scream as Dipper took the picture.

"Let's see about- whoa! Just kidding." Dipper joked, pretending to drop her phone before catching it and handing it back to Emma.

"You are the worst." Emma said playfully punching Dipper's shoulder.

"You bet I am. I'm bad, Emma. Kind of a jerk." Dipper said.

"Emma, come on! We have to get to Canada before your mother gives birth!"

"It's a long story." Emma chuckled.

"Maybe you could tell me sometime." Dipper said. I handed Dipper a small pocket notebook.

"Here's my email address." Emma said, writing the email on a page in the notebook I provided. "Write me and I'll tell you all about it."

"A girl gave me her email. And it wasn't out of pity! Ha ha! Yes!" Dipper laughed, jumping 'up' before I could stop him as he fell to the ceiling (a strange paradox). "I'm okay! I'm better than okay! Nathan, thanks for the notebook! Mabel, hi! There's my Grenda! Candy, looking great, looking great. Is that a new pair of glasses? Very shiny." Candy's whole face turned red as she smiled. "Ha ha, whoo!"

"Maybe it's the blood pooling in my head, but Dipper seems different." Grenda said, before groaning as the blood pooling began to take effect.

"Yes. Good different." Candy added.

"Now, Soos!" Stan yelled. Stan and Soos began jumping on the slanted ceiling and made the upside down house go right side up as I held on before racing out, taking the special shoes off, putting my sandals back on, and running into the RV with the others.

"I can't believe it worked! What do I do now, do I email her?" Dipper asked.

"No, no, no. You practice. The more girls you talk to, the better you'll get at it." Stan replied.

"Grunkle Stan, these tips are priceless."

"And that's just the tip of the advice-berg."

 **~Time skip brought to you by: Mabel and Candy screaming so loud it woke me up from my sleep. And I sleep through the alarm on my alarm clock that's right next to my bed while waking up everyone else in the house.~**

"Alright, campers. We've got another day of breaking laws and breaking hearts." Stan said. "Everything up until now has been a walk in the park compared to our next attraction."

"Is it a walk in the world's biggest park?" Mabel asked.

"Eh, sort of. There she is, kids. Mystery Mountain. Five times the size of the Mystery Shack, and what's worse, she has real attractions." Stan continued.

"Oh, I have read about this place. It has a sky tram, and a mummy museum, and sightings of half human half spider creatures." Candy said.

"Even their made up legends are better than ours." Stan said. "Today, the mountain falls."

"Question: the back seat makes me carsick. Can I sit up front today?" Mabel asked.

"Also question: I'm the size of two people. Can I have a whole seat to myself?" Grenda asked.

"Uh, I don't know, sure." Stan said.

"Whoo, change up!" Mabel cheered, pushing Dipper to the back seat and dragging me to the booth with her and Grenda.

"But wait, that means it'll be just me and—"

"Candy Chu, 6th grade!" Candy said.

"Whoa! Hey…" Dipper said awkwardly, scooting away before Candy scooted closer. "You're sitting close." Mabel and Grenda laughed quietly as Grenda closed the curtain, separating Dipper and Candy from the rest of us. We came up on the mountain and Stan parked the RV.

"Alright, road dogs. I got five bucks for whoever can tip the big blue ox." Stan said. "Go, go, go!"

"I will see you in there." Candy said, laughing as she ran off and Dipper got off the RV.

"Hey, what's with the mopey mug, kid?" Stan asked.

"Stan you gotta help me. Everything you taught me worked too well. I think Candy just asked me out on a date." Dipper said.

"Hey. Look at this little champion." Stan chuckled.

"What? No! I- I mean, Candy's great. She's sweet, and she's smart, but I've never thought of her like that. Th-th-this is all moving way too fast." Dipper panicked, beginning to hyperventilate. "Okay. I just need to be honest with her, and tell her I-I'm not ready for all this."

"Ha ha ha ha. Don't you see what's happening here? That's your dumb obsession with Wendy gettin' in the way of your future. If you wanna move on, you gotta say yes to whatever comes your way. Speaking of which…" Stan said, looking out of the corner of his eye at the woman at the ticket stand.

"But I don't wanna lead her on." Dipper said.

"Ah-ah-ah! Watch and learn." Stan interrupted, walking up to the lady. "Whoa, I seem to have lost my number. Can I borrow yours?"

"You are a riot. What brings you here? We don't normally get men this handsome 'round these parts." The lady said.

"Well, Darlene, between you and me, what I'm doing here is a little secret."

"Oh, you seem like a man with secrets."

"Ugh." Dipper cringed.

"You know, I'm going on a break. You wanna take the sky tram up to widow's peak?" Darlene said.

"Take my advice or don't, but clearly, I know what I'm doing." Stan whispered to Dipper, before walking off with Darlene, looking back at Dipper and pointing at Darlene with a triumphant face. Dipper headed into the mountain with Candy while I stayed back with Mabel and Grenda.

"Oh, I can't believe this is happening! A real date!" Mabel exclaimed excitedly. "I wonder what they'll name the baby?" I involuntarily almost choked on my own saliva for some reason.

"If I had a baby, I would name it 'Grenda 2: The Sequel'." Grenda said.

"You would make such a good mother."

 **~Time skip brought to you by: the only scene in the entire series that I can't stand to watch.~**

"I feel like such a fool. I should have known to guard my heart in a cage of ice." Candy said.

"THERE, THERE. LET MY CALMING VOICE SOOTHE YOU." Grenda shouted.

"It is helping." Candy said.

"Nathan, girls, there you are." Dipper panted, running up to us.

"Betrayer!" Mabel accused.

"I warned you not to go too far." I said ominously. "Romance is _nothing_ to toy around with."

"Oh, you. What do you want?" Candy said bitterly.

"I need your help." Dipper said.

"With what? Some sick jealousy trap?" Candy spat.

"Yeah, sing it, Candy!"

"Testify!"

"Look, I'm _so_ sorry about everything, but Stan's in trouble." Dipper apologized. "You can totally kill me later, but right now, he needs us. I'll explain on the way." As we ran up thee mountain, Dipper explained the situation as promised before we ran into a cave. Grenda tore through the webs and we tore the webbing off of Stan.

"Quick, before the rest of the venom sets in." Stan said as we finished ripping the webbing off of Stan and ran out of the cave while Darlene, now a giant spider, chased after us.

"The sky tram! Everybody on. I have a plan." Candy said. We got in the sky tram and it began going down.

"Ride like the wind, sky tram!"

The sky tram was moving very slowly.

"Welcome to Trambience, the world's slowest treetop tram ride. Enjoy the sights, at 0.1 miles per hour."

"Why is it at 0.1 miles per hour?" I wondered aloud. "Why don't you go faster?!"

"No it can't. This is Trambience."

"I didn't ask if it could go faster." I deadpanned.

 _"Enjoying the view? Take a picture."_ Right at that moment, the giant spider looked in the window as we recoiled in fear.

"Why would we take a picture of that ugly view?" Meanwhile, the tram car was being encased in webbing.

"We're doomed!" Stan yelled.

"We're all gonna die!" Dipper panicked.

"Listen carefully. This sky tram has an emergency drop switch. Below us is Oregon's largest Paul Bunyon statue. And Old Reliable goes off in five… four…" Candy said, grabbing the release switch.

"Candy, wait! Don't pull that lever!"

"Three… two…"

"Kid, are you crazy?!"

"No!" Candy said, pulling the lever. We fell, shot up, and flew around this way and that, although it was hard to tell with our view outside obstructed by the webs. When we came to a stop, we busted the door out.

"Thank you for riding Trambience sky tram. Tell your friends it was a boring, boring ride."

"Kid, that was ingenious! How'd you know that would work?" Stan said.

"Useless travel pamphlets." Candy replied.

"Stan-y." Darlene said, pulling her human form on from under the giant boot. "I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me. You'll let me out, right?"

"What?! After all that?!" Stan exclaimed. "Seriously, do I look like an amnesiac?"

"You're so funny." Darlene laughed. "Have you ever considered becoming a comedian?"

"You know, I actually have. Comedy is too subtle these days. My style involves more oversized props. Here, let me get you out."

"No, don't!"

"Stan, wait! No!"

Darlene turned back into a spider and reached out to bite Stan.

"Oh, yeah. Right."

"You win this round Stan, but mark my words. As long as there's men like you out there with their dumb one liners and pickup moves, I'll never run out of prey." Darlene warned, spitting acid at Stan. We quickly fled into the RV and sped off. Dipper sighed and tore out the page with numbers and email addresses and tore it in half.

"Alright, kid, I gotta admit something. I'm no expert on women. Truth is I've been divorced once and slapped more times than I can remember." Stan admitted. "Confidence can buy you a lot, but at the end of the day, pickup artists tend to get our heads bitten off. When it comes to women, I'm a failure."

"Hey, we're both failures." Dipper said, holding up the torn page.

"We're all failures!" I said, saying in a cheerful tone and smile that was the complete opposite of the mood of the words I said.

"You know, even if your dating tips were bad, I actually haven't thought about Wendy all day. Plus, you did teach me to be more confident. I guess I just need to learn to use that power for good." Dipper said, looking back at Candy. Dipper went back to apologize as we approached the town boarder.

"I still feel a little bad about wrecking all those tourist traps." Dipper said.

"Ah, come on. Everyone loves my pranks. And the best part is, I never have to face any consequen— sweet lord!" Stan exclaimed as we saw the heavily vandalized Mystery Shack. "I don't understand. I completely don't deserve this."

"Oh, man. Are we gonna have to help clean this up?" Dipper said.

"I know _I'm_ not doing it." I said as I went through the portal. "By the way, you left Soos at the corn maze."


	37. Dipper and Mabel vs The Future

**Chapter 37: Dipper and Mabel vs. The Future**

Honestly, I never expected myself to have amazing luck. But earlier this week, I was playing Angry Birds 2, in the Tower of Fortune, and managed to pass all 60 floors and only had to pay 180 gems to get rid of 3 pigs (I got over 1,000 gems back, by the way). I calculated the odds, and the raw statistical odds of getting that far under those circumstances with no strategy is 0.0002386%, or a 1 in 419,028 chance! Although, I did have a strategy that helped out quite a lot, but that's still incredibly impressive.

Regardless, luck won't really do much now. Because now… it is time. And you all know what it's time for.

I had spent an extra week preparing for this adventure so I'd be ready. I re-watched the Weirdmageddon episodes to have the memories fresh on my mind. I made sure my phone and its battery case were fully charged as I put it in my pocket. I also grabbed five Enderpearls from that time in Grunkle Stan's mind and put them in my other pocket. Finally, I grabbed my portal remote, opened the portal to Gravity Falls, and stepped through.

" _Morning Dipper, guess who?_ " Mabel said in a deep voice with googly eyes glued to her chin and hanging over Dipper's face so her face was upside-down to Dipper.

"Oh, what joy, if it isn't Mr. Upsidedownington. How long's it been? Third grade, maybe?" Dipper said.

" _That's right! And I'm here to deliver you an upsidedowningtontastic message!_ " 'Mr. Upsidedownington' said.

"Is it the message that we're getting too old for this sort of thing?" Dipper asked.

"Um, kinda, actually." Mabel said, using her normal voice again before running over to the calendar. "It's that we are exactly one week away from our 13th birthday!"

"Whoa! Our birthday's coming up already?" Dipper exclaimed. "Soon we're gonna be actual teenagers!"

"Finally, I can stop reading preteen magazines and start reading post-preteen magazines!" Mabel continued.

"Wouldn't that just be 'teen magazines' then?" I chuckled.

"PG-13 movies, here I come!" Dipper declared enthusiastically. _'You don't necessarily have to be 13 to see a PG-13 movie. I watched the Terminator 1 and 2 movies, which are both rated R, when I was just 8 years old.'_

"And just one more year until high school. High school, Dipper!" Mabel continued. "Where girls become women and they teach us stuff about… _you know what_."

"Trigonometry?"

"Oh yeah, baby!"

"That's not the only good news coming up! In one week my senior citizen pony tail kit is coming in the mail!" Stan declared as him and Soos entered the room. "I'm… I'm kinda going through some things."

"In one week, I start working on my next fanfiction story! _And_ it'll be the one year anniversary of my first time here in Gravity Falls! One year in my dimension, anyway." I said. "Man. Has it really been that long already?"

"In one week, my grandma is finally letting me eat crackers on my bed. The future is coming for us all, dudes." Soos said.

"The future!" Stan continued.

"The future!" I said.

"The future!" Dipper said.

"The future!" Mabel finished.

"I'm sorry, I can't take you seriously with that face on your chin." Dipper laughed.

" _What face, Dipper?_ "

"You're doing the voice, so you obviously know what I'm talking about." Dipper chuckled.

" _I don't know what you're talking about._ "

"There is something wrong with you."

"There's something wrong with both of us."

 **~Time skip brought to you by: Birthdays! Birthdays everywhere!~**

"Alright, party planners! In one week we become teenagers, and our summer vacation winds to an end, so we need to throw the greatest party of all time!" Mabel declared. "I'm talking piñatas with tinier piñatas inside."

"Boom. Dreams coming true!" Soos said, dumping a bag of tiny piñatas inside of a much larger piñata.

"I'm talking inviting everyone in town!" Mabel continued. "Let's see. Where do we stand with the gnomes…?"

"Not so fast, goofus and girl goofus. After that zombie incident, no one's throwing another party at my house." Stan said. "I keep finding little bits of the undead in the couch cushions."

"But Grunkle Stan, we need some roof to raise." Mabel said.

"Dude. You could rent out the Gravity Falls high school gym and have your party there. That place is empty all summer long." Soos suggested.

"The gym's a great idea, Soos." Mabel replied. "To the high school!" Right after Mabel said that, an explosion resounded as the shack shook.

"Dipper! Nathan! My face is on fire!" Ford yelled from the other room.

"We'll just be a sec." Dipper said as we ran towards the noise. "Great uncle Ford, are you okay?"

"Oh, yes, I'm fine. I just said that to make sure you'd come in here quickly." Ford replied, smoke coming off of his chin.

"But your face _is_ on fire." Dipper remarked.

"Yes. It's much faster than shaving." Ford replied, patting out the smoke. "Now. Listen, Dipper and Nathan. I have a very important mission, and you two are the only ones who can help me. Remember the rift in dimensional space-time I showed you? It's cracking. This is what Bill has been waiting for. If it breaks, it will cause reality as we know it to completely unravel. A hypothetical and catastrophic event I call… Weirdmageddon." Ford showed us the rift, which was cracking, and showed us a picture of Weirdmageddon he had drawn on the chalkboard. "Bill is out there, and he'd use any trick, from deception to outright possession to make this happen. But for the sake of humanity, we mustn't let it."

"What do we do?" Dipper asked.

"We patch the rift. I'll explain on the way." Ford said, putting the rift in a protective case.

"Wait, what about Mabel?" Dipper asked again.

"It's okay, Dipper. You should totally go with Grunkle Ford to save the world or whatever." Mabel said from the doorway.

"Are you sure?"

"We're gonna be doing birthday junk all week. Plus I packed us walkie-talkies. Here's one for my party mission, and one for your smarty mission." Mabel said, handing Dipper a backpack with the walkie-talkie in it as they laughed.

"I did mention that the fate of the universe is at stake, didn't I? Hurry! We haven't much time!" Ford rushed out of the room.

"Come on Dip!" I said as we ran out the shack and towards a hill. It didn't take long before we reached our destination.

"Listen Dipper and Nathan. In order to seal the rift, it's going to take an adhesive stronger than anything on Earth. Something… extraterrestrial in origin."

"W… what do you mean?" Dipper asked.

"Dipper. Look at the peculiar shape made by those cliffs. Does it remind you of anything?" Ford said, pointing at the cliffs ahead of us, then taking out his keychain with a UFO and dangling it in front of me and Dipper. The shape of the keychain and the cliffs matched up very well.

"Shut. Up." Dipper said in shock.

"According to my research, the entire valley of Gravity Falls was formed when an extraterrestrial object crash landed here millions of years ago." Ford explained. "Did this craft cause the town's strange properties, or did the town's strange properties attract the craft? The answer is still unknown."

"But that's crazy! Where did the saucer go?!" Dipper exclaimed.

"Sometimes, the strangest things in the world are right under our noses… and our feet, in this particular instance." Ford said, pushing a rock aside to reveal a metal plate and taking out a magnet gun. "Now, you might wanna stand back. This magnet gun can rip the fillings out of a man's mouth from a hundred feet." Ford warned, using the gun to pull back the metal plate, revealing a passageway downwards. "I used to raid this thing for parts for years. Where do you think I got the materials to build my portal?"

"You—I… words… not working from mouth."

"Now, come. Take this." Ford said, tossing the magnet gun to me, as I caught it. "Don't worry, I've been down here countless times. All the aliens have been dead for millions of years… probably." Dipper took a deep breath and we descended the ladder into the giant UFO.

"I can't believe there's been a giant UFO under the town this whole time." Dipper exclaimed.

"I wish my mind could be where yours is right now, Dipper. When confirmation of extraterrestrials still had that punch. Now it's just sort of, meh." Ford remarked as we approached the bottom of the ladder. "McGucket and I used to come down here all the time to raid their tech and study their language."

"This is so cool!" Dipper said, taking a photo of himself standing in front of some alien writing.

"The substance we need to seal the rift is an alien adhesive, strong enough to keep the hull of a spacecraft together." Ford explained as we ventured throughout the area. "Just one dollop of this adhesive should be enough to seal a crack in space-time. Also, if it touches you, it will seal up all the orifices in your face, so… try to avoid that." Ford continued, taking out his magnet gun and charging it. "Now, use your magnet gun and follow me. Hup!" Ford used the magnet gun to stick to a large metal pole and descend into the depths below. When he got to the bottom, we could see him turning on a light as he called up to us. "Your turn. Say 'hup'. It helps!"

"But, we only have one magnet gun for the two of us…" Dipper said.

"I have an idea." I said. "Climb onto my back and hold on as tight as you can while I jump and descend the both of us down safely."

"But-but, what if something goes wrong?" Dipper asked.

"Then I guess we can just use one of my Enderpearls." I replied, taking one out of my pocket and showing it to him. Dipper grabbed my hand as I tossed the Enderpearl down into the hole. After a couple seconds, Dipper and I were teleported down into the depths next to Ford, who was startled by our sudden appearance in front of him.

"How did you do that?" Ford asked.

"Enderpearl. I managed to pull a really clever maneuver this one time after we defeated Bill the first time and I managed to get a bunch of these." I replied, taking another one out of my pocket to show Ford as he took it from me and examined it. "What they are, is, you throw it, and it will teleport you, and anyone else you're in physical contact with, to wherever the pearl lands, destroying the item in the process."

"Fascinating." Ford remarked, handing the Enderpearl back to me as I put it back in my pocket.

"I'm still surprised it worked, too. It's like I'm in some kind of badly-written fanfiction." I added, laughing. Dipper and Ford just gave me a weird look. I clapped my hands together loudly to break the tension that was beginning to build up. "ANYway! Let's get going. This rift ain't gonna patch itself!" I said.

"Yes, I suppose you're right." Ford said.

 **~Time skip brought to you by: "Clara, did you eat my farm?" "Moo."~**

"This is their storage facility. This place would've been heavily guarded, but now everything's defunct." Ford explained as we entered said storage facility and approached a control panel. "Go ahead. Flip any switch. They've all been busted for millions of years." Dipper pressed a button a couple times, and nothing happened. (Not that we could see directly, anyway.) "The glue should be around here somewhere, so keep your eyes peeled." Ford continued. "Dipper, Nathan, let me ask you something. Have you thought much about your future?"

"No, not really. I mean, beyond graduating high school with a high GPA so I can get accepted to a good technical college with a photography and media production minor to start my own ghost hunting show." Dipper replied.

"Well, I plan on graduating high school, going to college with a minor in creative writing and video production so I can start my YouTube channel and continue to write fanfiction, and once my YouTube channel is popular enough and I make enough money from it, then that'll be my 'job' for the rest of my life as I continue to write fanfictions as a hobby." I said.

"It's like talking to two younger versions of myself." Ford laughed, putting the light source on the ground so he could look for the adhesive.

"You… you really think I'm like a younger you?" I asked.

"Sure I do. If you're so sure of what you want out of life, why wait? Why put up with the drudgery of school?" Ford continued.

"Trust me, I'd love to fast-forward the whole thing, but, it's not like I have a choice." Dipper replied.

"Ditto." I added.

"Dipper, Nathan, I've been thinking. I'm getting too old to investigate Gravity Falls on my own." Ford began. "I need to train a couple of apprentices to help me fight monsters, solve mysteries, and protect this town. And I think I'd… I'd like to keep it to people I know best."

"What are you saying?" Dipper and I asked in surprise.

"I've read your additions to my journal, Dipper, and I'm impressed with your potential. And I've heard all about your creativity in solving problems, Nathan, as well as your thinking skills." Ford said. "What would you say to staying in Gravity Falls after the summer ends and becoming my apprentices?"

"W-what about school?" Dipper asked.

"Dipper, I have 12 PhDs. Your parents would be thrilled I could give you such an advanced education." Ford replied.

"B-but what about me?" I said. "I'm nowhere near as great or amazing as you say I am. And I have a life back in my dimension; I can't just up and ditch it just like that."

"You don't have to. You can just use your portal device to go back and forth as you please—as long as you don't use it too much." Ford replied.

"There's also Mabel." Dipper sighed. "She'd be all alone in California."

"Mabel will be fine on her own. She has a magnetic personality." Ford said. "I watched her become pen pals with the pizza delivery man in the 60 seconds he was at the door."

"Gosh, we've never really been apart before." Dipper said.

"And isn't it suffocating? Dipper, Nathan, can you honestly tell me you never felt like you were meant for something more?" Ford asked. _'Yes. Yes I can.'_

"I-I don't know. Sounds like a dream come true, but… I'm not sure I have what it takes." Dipper said. _'Same here.'_ "I was tricked by Bill, I was wrong about Stan's portal… heck, I can't even operate this magnet gun right." Dipper held the magnet gun at his side, which turned on, grabbing one of the hexagonal panels. Dipper struggled to get it off, though as it turns out, that was the one with the alien adhesive.

"Ha! Yes! Dipper, you found the adhesive!" Ford exclaimed.

"I did?"

"Ho-ho, you really did it, kid. Huddle in, let's get a picture of this." Ford said. Then a strange noise echoed throughout the area.

"Uh, uncle Ford, you said everything down here is dead, right?" Dipper whispered.

"Yes. Unless somehow, we reactivated the… security system!" Ford gasped as two alien orbs approached us. Ford pointed his magnet gun at the droids as we slowly backed up.

"What do we do?" Dipper whisper-shouted.

"Listen to me very carefully. I've studied these. They're security droids, and they detect adrenaline. You simply have to not feel any fear, and they won't see you." Ford explained.

"What?!" Dipper exclaimed.

"It's okay. I've done it before. Just take a deep breath, focus on your intellect, and control your fear." Ford continued.

"Wh-wh-wh-what?! That's crazy! I—" Dipper hyperventilated.

"Follow my lead!" Ford instructed.

"Great uncle Ford!"

"Focus, Dipper!" Ford said. A few tense seconds went by.

"I can't!" Dipper exclaimed, as a security droid got ready to fire at Dipper.

"Get down!" Ford yelled, tackling Dipper out of the way of the blast just in time and firing at the security droid. The security droid also fired back, hitting Ford in the shoulder. The magnet blast hit the security droid, destabilizing it, causing it to crash into a wall and explode. The other droid opened up and prepared to take Ford into it for imprisonment, though I slammed my body into Ford in an attempt to knock him out of the way. Instead, it ended up grabbing both of us and dragging us in.

"Wait, no!" Dipper exclaimed.

"Stay back! It's too dangerous! Sealing the rift is what's important now. Take this!" Ford said, sliding the rift over to Dipper. "You're gonna have to do it without me. Use the adhesive! Fix the rift! Save the universe, Dipper!" Ford continued as we were taken into the orb and it flew off with us inside. Dipper chased after us as he put the rift in his backpack and the orb put me and Ford in a prison droid.

"Where is that thing taking you?" Dipper asked.

"It's an automated prison droid. And wherever it's going, we're not coming back." Ford replied.

"What?! Don't worry, I'll think of something!" Dipper said, as the prison droid prepared to take off and he chased after it, taping the magnet gun to his hand so he wouldn't lose his grip while he warmed up the magnet gun at the same time.

"Dipper, what on earth are you doing?!" Ford exclaimed, seeing Dipper chasing after us with the magnet gun.

"Hold on, guys! I'm getting you out of this, one way or another!" Dipper fired the gun, and after a bit of technical difficulties, he managed to get the magnet gun to pull him to the droid right before it took off, soaring through the sky. "Let go of my uncle and my friend!" Dipper said, punching the droid. The droid shook, then began changing course as it flew all around town. At one point, the droid shook again, and Ford and I hit our heads on the top. I was fine, but Ford went unconscious. Dipper saw this, and he used the magnet gun to make the droid malfunction and crash down to earth in the forest. Dipper ran up to us and pried the orb open, releasing me and Ford. "Come on, wake up, man!" Dipper said, pulling Ford out as I groaned, crawling out. "We've gotta get out of here before—" But it was too late. A security droid approached from behind Dipper.

"Hey! Uh, I'm warning you! I have a magnet gun!" Dipper threatened, as the security droid prepared to fire at Dipper. "Oh, yeah? You think you can scare me?! Do your worst! Nothing in this universe is gonna take away my uncle! So go ahead! Give me what you've got!" The droid retracted its gun and powered down, falling to the ground. Ford began laughing, then coughed.

"Oh, I thought we were goners, kid." Ford said, coughing.

"Are you alright? What happened?" Dipper asked, helping Ford up, then helping me up. I groaned, stretching my back and popping it a couple times. Two of us in one droid can get a little cramped.

"The-the orb didn't detect any chemical signs of fear. It-it assumed the threat was neutralized, and then… self-disassembled." Ford explained, laughing.

"I… I did it?" Dipper said.

"You did it." Ford replied. "This is what I was talking about. How many other 12-year-olds do you think are capable of doing what you've just done?"

"Are you okay? Let's get you out of there." Dipper said.

"Listen to me, Dipper and Nathan. This town is a magnet for things that are special. And that includes you and me. It brought all of us here for a purpose." Ford said. "Stay here with me, Dipper and Nathan. Become my apprentices. Don't let anyone…" Ford cut himself off as he coughed again and we extended a hand to Ford.

"I'll do it." Dipper said. "I'm gonna stay."

"I suppose I can make it work, too." I added.

"Excellent." Ford replied, taking our hands as we pulled him out of the ditch the droid created when it crashed. "Now, who wants to save the world… apprentices?" We laughed as we headed back to the shack.

 **~Time skip brought to you by: self-depreciation.~**

"Mabel! I just had the best day of my life. UFOs are real, and there's one under the town, and I saved great uncle Ford and Nathan's lives, and-and… hey, are you okay?" Dipper asked as we walked into the room and saw Mabel laying on her bed, facing the wall.

"Tell me it's not true, guys. Tell me you were joking." Mabel said, showing us her walkie-talkie, which was emitting static. "Ford's apprentices? Seriously?"

"Look, I was thinking, and… this is a huge opportunity for me and Nathan." Dipper said.

"Well it's a horrible opportunity for _me_!" Mabel exclaimed as she began crying slightly. "I had the worst day of my _life_. When we turn 13, summer ends, and I have to leave everything behind. You're the only people I could count on, and now _you're_ leaving me _too_?"

"Look, I've been thinking about it. I won't be gone forever, okay? I'll still visit you at home, we'll chat online—we'll make it work." Dipper said.

"I don't want it to work. I just wish summer could last forever." Mabel cried, opening her scrapbook.

"But it can't, Mabel. Look, things aren't gonna stay frozen this way. It's part of growing up. Things change." Dipper said. "Summer ends." Mabel got up and began running away, grabbing a backpack and running. "Mabel, wait! I didn't mean it like that! Mabel, come back!" Dipper called out as Mabel ran out of the shack and into the forest. I walked outside and looked up at the sky. As much as I didn't want to do it, I had to hand my portal remote over to Bill or risk dying in a bloody explosion.

I began heading downtown, and after a couple minutes, Bill's laughter echoed throughout the entire forest as he spoke.

"At last! At long, long last! The gate between worlds is open! The event one _billion_ years prophesied has come to pass! The day has come! The world is finally MINE!" Bill shouted, rising up into the air over the forest as a surge of electricity rose up like a beacon, opening a huge, colorful rift in the shape of an X while Bill continued to laugh, rising up in the sky and laughing maniacally.

…

 _Wkh hqg lv khuh.  
Zhlugpdjhggrq kdv frph.  
Lw'v derxw wr jhw zhlug.  
Wklv zloo eh ixq._


	38. Weirdmageddon

**Chapter 38: Weirdmageddon**

"Oh, it's happening! It's finally, finally happening! Physical form? Don't mind if I _DO_!" Bill laughed as his body was encased in light, a layer of flesh, and a metal encasing before his body turned into a kaleidoscope as orbs of light flew outwards and his body flashed a blinding light, shaking the ground before turning into a strange display of three pyramid layers, the top with his eye and the bottom two rotating, with two arms extending out from each layer, unmoving, each arm extending with the hand holding a flame so that it looked like a bizarre decorative candle display. " **Alright, listen up you one-life-spanned, three-dimensional, five-sensed skin puppets! For** one trillion years, I've been trapped in my own decaying dimension, waiting for a new universe to call my own." Bill announced to the entire town, his body turning back into its usual shape but still black, before his body turned to its normal colors as well. "Name's Bill. But you can call me your new lord and master for all of eternity." Then Bill shot a laser from his eye, melting the statue of Nathaniel Northwest as the townsfolk cowered in fear.

"Now meet the gang of interdimensional criminals and nightmares I call my friends." Bill announced, before listing off the creatures as they came out into the world. "8-Ball. Kryptos. The being whose name must never be said. Ah, what the heck. It's Zanthar. Then of course, there's also Teeth, Keyhole, Hectorgon, Amorphous Shape, Pyronica, Paci-Fire, and these guys. _This is our town now, boys!_ " Bill said as the various creatures laughed; 'these guys' being the eye-bats behind Bill.

"Now see here, you unholy triangle fella. As mayor, I strongly urge you to get… get on outta here." Tyler said, not sounding like he was strongly urging anything.

"Yeah. Things with one eye are weird." Lazy Susan added.

"We don't like out-of-towners!" Grenda declared.

"We punch what we _don't understand_!" Manly Dan yelled, ripping apart a mailbox.

"I would just like to say that as a rich capitalist, I welcome your tyrannical rule. Perhaps I could be one of your, uh… horsemen of the apocalypse?" Preston offered.

"Dad!" Pacifica said.

"Not now, sweetie. The grown-ups are talking."

"Oh, wow, that's a great offer. How about instead I shuffle the functions of every hole in your face?" Bill said, snapping his fingers. Suddenly, Preston's face morphed. What used to be his mouth was now his eye. What used to be his eyes were now his ears. What used to be his left ear was now his nose. Preston fell to the ground in agony as Bill laughed while the townsfolk fled and Durland became the first victim to turn into stone. "It's time we do a little redecorating. I could really use a CASTLE of some kind." Bill declared, rising his hands in the air as the Fearamid rose up from the forest. "And how about some bubbles of PURE MADNESS?!" Colorful bubbles began floating around, and as one passed through that one farmer guy, he began screaming madly and tore his shirt in half. "This party never stops! Time is dead and meaning has no meaning! Existence is upside-down and I reign supreme! WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, _TO WEIRDMAGEDDON‼_ " Bill shouted as the water tower, now a living creature, roared in the distance.

 **~Lw kdv ehjxq…~**

Ford and Dipper managed to find me hiding out in one of the alleyways, and after Dipper expressed his concern for my safety, we began heading towards Bill through the shadows as they began explaining to me what they were planning, before I cut them off, saying I already knew what they were planning. We headed into one of the buildings and got a good vantage point of Bill and his cronies.

"My quantum destabilizer. I've been waiting a long time to use this." Ford said, taking said weapon out of its case. "We're only going to have one chance to take this shot." Ford began charging the quantum destabilizer, focusing as he took aim. But before he could pull the trigger, the tidal wave of madness swept over us. The three of us were unaffected, but the bell in the tower we were in rang and laughed.

"I'm alive now!" The bell said in a goofy voice, startling Ford, messing up his aim and causing him to accidentally pull the trigger. The shot fired through Bill's hat, which, oddly enough, had flesh inside, which mended itself as the shot hit a tree instead, wiping that tree out of existence.

"Oh no!" Ford exclaimed.

"Well, well, well." Bill said, as his eye and bowtie moved around his body so his back was now his front as he faced us. "And here I thought today couldn't get any BETTER!" Bill shot a laser from his finger, going through the bell tower, causing it to explode. Luckily, we were relatively unharmed, aside from a few minor injuries, but the tower itself was almost completely destroyed.

"Great uncle Ford!" Dipper exclaimed, seeing Ford trapped under a larger piece of rubble.

"Dipper! Take my journals!" Ford said, pushing his backpack towards us. "Listen. I know of one other way to defeat Bill. It's…. Oh no! Guys, run! Get down! Hurry!" Ford urged as Bill approached, towering over Ford. Dipper and I quickly fled down the tower, ducking out of sight just in time.

"Good old six fingers. I've been waiting an **eternity** to have a chat face-to-face." Bill said, as Ford was encased in a red glow thanks to Bill himself as he displayed Ford to the other creatures. "Everyone, this Armageddon wouldn't be possible without help from our friend here. Give him a six-fingered hand!" Bill announced as the other creatures cheered. "This brainiac is the one who built the portal in the first place. Aw, don't look so sour, Fordsy. It's not too late to join me. With that extra finger, you'd fit right in with my freaks."

"I'll die before I join you! I know your weakness, Bill!" Ford yelled.

"Oh, yeah? And I know a riddle. Why did the old man do this?" Bill said, raising his hands up in a certain position.

"This?" Ford questioned, confused, mimicking Bill's gesture, when Bill turned him to gold as Ford fell to the ground, still alive, but no longer animate.

"Because I needed a new back scratcher!" Bill laughed, using the golden Ford statue to scratch his back.

"That's enough!" Dipper shouted, getting the attention of everyone as he pulled me out with him to confront Bill. "Hand over my uncle! Or else!" Dipper threatened, holding out the journal.

"Now isn't… this… **INTERESTING?!** " Bill said, rushing up to us. "My old tied-up ragdoll has come back for more! You think _you_ can stop me? Your so-called 'friend' Bedrock Armor won't help you at all! In fact, he's going to hand me his portal device so I can invade his world, too! **Isn't that right?** "

I felt the Bill Cipher emblem on my chest throb as a warning. I shamefully hung my head down and took my portal remote out of my pocket and handed it to Bill.

"Nathan?! _Seriously?!_ WHY ARE YOU SIDING WITH BILL?!" Dipper yelled.

"Because he was never really your friend to begin with! He was just sitting by, gaining your trust, so he could betray you and help _me_ out in the end that he knew was coming!" Bill lied. Dipper looked extremely hurt. Oh, how I wanted so desperately to tell him the truth, that Bill was blackmailing me, but even as the thought popped into my head, the emblem on my chest began burning until I forced the thought away. "He may have 'changed' things along the way, but he never changed anything significant enough to have an impact. In fact, he was only doing it so it wouldn't seem like he was just standing by! Right, _Nathan_?" Bill continued, looking at me pointedly.

"… Yeah…" I lied. If I told the truth, Bill would kill me. Dipper looked like I had taken his favorite thing and smashed it to bits. His face was a combination of disbelief, sadness, hurt, and anger. I could only hope things would still turn out alright in the end, as things were not looking good at all. Then suddenly, Dipper leapt forward, attempting to punch Bill in the eye, but a blue forcefield appeared, preventing Dipper's fist from making contact with Bill's eye. Bill's arm moved lightning fast, knocking Dipper backwards into a tree. His arm moved so fast, I couldn't even process the movement and wasn't even sure if it was his arm at all, wondering if the forcefield is what knocked him back. I couldn't be sure. Dipper reached out for the journals he had dropped, but they glowed red and floated over to Bill.

"That's right, don't be a hero, kid. This is what happens to heroes in my world." Bill said, showing off Ford as a golden statue, the look of terror still etched on his face, and igniting the journals.

"No! The journals!" Dipper exclaimed, as the journals fell to the ground, burning up.

"Not much of a threat now, _are you_? Now can anyone remind me why we came here?" Bill said.

"To get WEIRD!" 8-Ball said.

"THAT'S RIGHT! VIP party at the Fearamid. Oh, and 8-Ball, Teeth, you've earned a treat. Have the kids for a snack." Bill stated.

"Huh?!" Dipper and I said.

"Hench-maniacs, roll out!" Bill yelled, turning a nearby car into an admittedly cool-looking flying car as the nightmares got on and Bill drove up to the Fearamid, cackling all the while.

"So, you wanna eat them, or, something?" 8-Ball said.

"Oh, definitely, let's eat them." Teeth replied as the two began chasing after us.

 **~Wuxvw ehwudbhg. Idovh fulphv. Eloo'v olhv glg wklv.~**

I had managed to escape Bill's cronies and managed to get to the mall, where I knew Dipper would be going later, and where Wendy was at too. I squeezed my way in through the front doors, leaving them slightly open for Dipper later on. As it turns out, The Horrifying Sweaty One-Armed Monstrosity (that's its actual name according to the Gravity Falls wiki in my dimension) wasn't roaming the parking lot of the mall yet when I got there, so I had little trouble getting in other than prying the doors open.

"Oh, hey dude." Wendy greeted. I turned and saw Wendy setting up a trap in the food court.

"Hey, Wendy." I sighed.

"You alright?" Wendy asked.

"Well, I'm pretty sure Dipper hates me now. And it's all thanks to Bill." I replied.

"You wanna talk about it?"

"Um… I'm not exactly at liberty to do so." I said.

"Why not?" Wendy asked. I made a triangle with my fingers and put it over one of my eyes and closing the other, then made a cutthroat motion with my fingers across my neck, then simply pointed at myself. "Oh. That's bad." Wendy said. "So Bill—"

"DON'T!" I panicked, stopping Wendy from continuing. "Don't say it out loud… please." I said, more quietly now. "Just… keep it to yourself, please. For my sake. You'll have to trust me on this."

"Alright, man. I get it." Wendy replied. "I trust you."

"Thanks, Wendy." I said. "Anyway, do you have any food? My stomach is literally in physical pain from not having eaten anything all day."

"Sure, man. Here, I'll take you to my hideout." Wendy replied, taking me to her hideout in the Edgy On Purpose store with the metal door pulled down for protection as she lifted it up, letting me in, before she slipped in herself, and tossed me a bag of chips. "Here. They're the last ones I have, so I was making a trap out there to catch some monsters to eat." Wendy said. "I'll be back later, okay? Stay here."

"Thanks, Wendy." I said.

 **~Li wkh vhfuw vsloov, lw zloo eh pb hqg.~**

For the past couple days, I have been going around and helping Wendy gather bat meat to eat. We had also managed to find some leftover water bottles in one of the other stores. However, even though it has been a few days, it was still August 24th, 2012 here in Gravity Falls.

Finally, it was Day 3, and Dipper was due any minute. I anxiously waited in Wendy's hideout as Wendy left again. At one point, I heard Toby Determined's muffled cry of pain, followed by a brief muffled apology from Wendy. About two hours later, Wendy returned with Dipper and Toby. Dipper scowled when he saw me.

"Dipper! How, uh, how nice of you to drop by!" I began somewhat awkwardly.

"Shut up!" Dipper yelled. I flinched at the anger and resentment in his voice. "You lied to me! You were supposed to be on our side, and yet you were helping Bill this whole time!"

"I had no choice! He made me! Bill—AGH!" I clutched my chest in agony as the Bill emblem began burning. "N-never mind… I d-did this m-myself…" I lied pathetically, as the emblem stopped burning. Dipper completely ignored my display of pain.

"You are the _worst_ friend I have _ever_ had! You don't deserve any friends if all you do is betray them like this!" Dipper continued. "You know how you've been wanting a girlfriend? Well guess what? Since you're clearly on Bill's side, helping out Bill, and _pretended_ to be my friend, _I hope you never get a girlfriend!_ "

OUCH.

That hurt.

"Whoa, dude, chill out, man." Wendy said.

"''Chill out'? I watched Nathan hand his portal remote over to Bill _willingly_ so he could invade his world, too! He's on Bill's side!" Dipper exclaimed. "You shouldn't even be near him!"

"Would you like to know something about me?" I began quietly, as Dipper and Wendy turned to me. "I'm not normal. I'm not normal _at all_. I was born with two incurable, lifelong mental disorders. TWO! I have Asperger's Syndrome and ADHD. You know what some of the symptoms are that both of them have in common? Anxiety, depression, and social isolation-slash-awkwardness. I have more friends here in Gravity Falls than I do in my _own home dimension_! DO YOU THINK IT'S EASY FOR ME?! Knowing that I have two mental diseases that are permanent, that I can do _nothing_ about? That _nobody_ can do _anything_ about?! I'm stuck like this for the rest of my miserable life! And you should know by now that me not having a girlfriend is the single most sensitive subject for me there is! I finally gather the courage to ask a girl out to homecoming, and what does she do? She ditches me, not even 5 minutes in! I gave her flowers and everything! I spent _two hours_ looking for her! I quintuple-checked everywhere except for the bathrooms! I didn't even have enough _time_ to mess anything up before she left! I literally cried myself to _sleep_ that night! And you have the audacity to say that you hope I never get a _girlfriend_?!"

"Wait, Nathan—"

" _NO!_ You know what, Dipper?! My life has been HELL! Despite my smarts, I struggle in school because I just can't understand the instructions of half of what they're giving out, and I struggle to find the motivation to do the other half! It turns out that ADHD affects less than 1% of the world and Asperger's Syndrome affects less than 0.5% of the world, and I just so happen to have been unlucky enough to get both! I can count on one hand the number of friends I have made in the past _four years_ back at home since my family moved! I don't have _anyone_ I can trust to tell my problems to, not even my own _parents_! You know why? Because my dad's at work most of the day, and my mom just doesn't understand me at all! It gets so bad sometimes that sometimes, I feel like _death_ is the only solution! _I even tried suffocating myself with a plastic grocery bag!_ And you KNEW I was suicidal before! I _told_ you this! And you have the _NERVE_ to attack me like THAT?! Well you know what? SCREW YOU! I'm leaving! In fact, maybe I _WILL_ join Bill's side, _and_ tell him EXACTLY how to avoid his defeat at the end of Weirdmageddon, _JUST FOR THE HECK OF IT‼_ "

"Nathan, wait!"

I stormed out of there, tears streaming down my face. I began to get a headache and a runny nose from all the crying I was doing, and headed off into a random store and sat down at one of the tables. I set my head down on the table and silently cried for a little while when I felt a hand on my shoulder.

"Nathan, I'm sorry about what I said. Wendy told me that it has something to do with Bill threatening you." Dipper apologized. "Bill's side or not, you don't deserve any of what I just yelled at you." I looked up at Dipper with red eyes.

"Bill's blackmailing me. That's all I can say for now. You'll just have to trust me on this one." I told him. "I'm sorry about what I said, too. I didn't mean it when I said 'screw you', and I was never actually going to join Bill's side; I was just… mad. Mad at you, mad at Bill… but mostly… mad at myself." I continued. "Besides, I guess it's not all bad. According to my dad, Albert Einstein himself also had Asperger's Syndrome. And apparently, another symptom of Asperger's is poor muscle coordination, which I seem to be lucky enough to not have that symptom, since I'm decent at video games and can play the piano fairly well."

"Yeah, there you go. Look for the good things." Dipper said.

"I forgive you, Dipper. Why don't we just forget this ever happened between us, huh?" I stated.

"Yeah, sounds like a good idea." Dipper replied. I sniffed, smiling at him.

"Now, come on. We've gotta get to Mabel now, right?"

 **~Iulhqvkls uhvwruhg. Vlwxdwlrq vwloo xquhvroyhg. Glsshu qhhgv wr nqrz.~**

"The abandoned auto mart. Free cars right for the hotwiring. We just found our ride to Mabel." Wendy said, peering over the fence with her binoculars before we climbed over. "I wonder if they have a tank. I've always wanted to drive a tank."

"I can't believe this place was just abandoned." Dipper remarked.

"The apocalypse will turn society completely upside-down, Dipper." I said. As we looked around, suddenly we saw several darts fly out at Toby, knocking him unconscious.

"Oh, no! Tony!" Wendy exclaimed. "Was it Tony? I can never remember his name." Suddenly we were blinded by headlights.

"Well, well. Looks like we got ourselves a pair of ground walkers." One of the men in a truck said.

"Heh heh! Ground walkers. Heh heh! Ain't got no wheels." Another one laughed, as raucous laughter filled the air.

"It also creates some new gangs like this." I added.

"Listen, discount auto warriors!" Wendy said.

"We just wanna make it to that bubble out east. We have no quarrel with you." Dipper continued.

"Oh, but that's where you're wrong. Hands where I can see 'em!" A figure said. Dipper and Wendy raised their arms up in an 'I surrender' fashion, while I just crossed my arms over my chest and scowled slightly. "Y'all fellers ain't goin' nowhere."

"'Y'all'?"

"'Fellers'? Wait… Gideon?!" Lights lit up the figure, which was Gideon sitting on the shoulders of another man.

"That's sheriff Gideon!" Gideon said, speaking through a megaphone that altered his voice to make it sound deeper, before moving it away from his face, making his voice normal again. "Under the authority of Bill Cipher, I place you three under arrest!… Oh, hi, Wendy! Have we formally met?" Some more men behind us escorted us towards Gideon, then shoved us to the ground. "Ooh-wee. Look what the apocalypse dragged in." Gideon Gleeful gleefully exclaimed. (Sorry, I had to.) "Y'all are in a 12-piece bucket of deep fried trouble now. Ghost Eyes! Spittoon!" Ghost Eyes held a spittoon towards Gideon, who spit his gum into it.

"Ugh, it's Gideon." Dipper said.

"And he's gotten folksier." Wendy continued.

" _And_ he's using double-negatives!" I exclaimed. "That _really_ bothers me!"

"My old pal Bill figured you might try to rescue Mabel. So he appointed me master of these wastelands, and keeper of the bubble! My sweet, precious Mabel's trapped inside, and I have the only key!" Gideon said, showing us the key. "Wrapped around my… well, I wouldn't call it a 'neck', exactly. Wrapped around this little pocket of fat under my head?"

"Gideon, you have no right to keep her in there!" Dipper exclaimed.

"Bill explained it to me nice and simple." Gideon began.

"Is that because you wouldn't have been able to understand it if it wasn't simple?" I asked. Dipper and Wendy laughed.

"Oh, _very_ funny." Gideon said sarcastically. "As I was saying, she was always destined to be mine! And now that I have her in a cage, she'll learn to love me! I have an eternity to wait. Ghost eyes! Ready to escort our friends to Bill's dungeon?" Ghost Eyes came and picked me, Dipper and Wendy up.

"This isn't gonna work, Gideon." Wendy said.

"Oh? And why's that?" Gideon asked.

"'Cause after I break Ghost Eyes' arm and steal that key from your neck, I'm gonna wear your butt on my foot like a rhinestone slipper!" Wendy exclaimed. The men laughed.

"Oh? And what makes you think you can do all that?" Gideon asked.

"'Cause I'm a flippin' Corduroy!" Wendy exclaimed, maneuvering herself and pulling Ghost Eyes' arm back, causing him to howl in pain as he dropped me and Dipper. We quickly positioned ourselves so that he'd trip over us, and he did, falling to the ground.

"Ghost Eyes! My hench-angel." Gideon said, before Wendy grabbed him, taking the key from around his neck and using him as leverage to prevent the men from advancing on us.

"Get back! Get back, or I will drop kick him, I swear!" Wendy threatened, running over to one of the cars and breaking the window, reaching inside, and unlocking the car and opening the door.

"You'll never get away with this, you hear me?" Gideon exclaimed.

"Guess what? We already DID!" Wendy said, kicking Gideon into the men, knocking most of them down as we got inside the car.

"Wendy, you're the coolest person I know." Dipper said.

"I know, dude. Tell me about it later." Wendy replied, starting up the car as we put on our seat belts and Wendy sped off towards Mabel's bubble.

"Okay. All we have to do is out-race Gideon's henchmen, unlock the bubble, save Mabel, save the world." Dipper said, as Wendy drove right through a mailbox. "Quick question: did you ever get your driver's license?"

"Definitely not. Arm!" Wendy said, as we swerved around The Horrifying Sweaty One-Armed Monstrosity. As we continued along, several weirdness bubbles floated in the way.

"Watch it! Go around that bubble field!" Dipper exclaimed.

"No way around. Hold on! We're going through!" Wendy replied.

"What's even in there?!" Dipper said.

"Not enough time to say!" I yelled as we entered the bubble. When we were inside the bubble, our heads were turned into bird heads, and we were basically birds with human bodies.

"Oh, that was horrible." Dipper said, coughing up feathers as we exited.

"Here comes another one, dude!" Wendy said. "Brace yourself!" The three bubbles' effects, in order, were we looked like anime characters, everything was made of meat, and I legitimately can't remember what happened in the last one. Then Gideon caught up with us as we continued going, and he rammed his car into the side of ours.

"Wendy, we're almost there! We just have to make that jump." Dipper said, pointing ahead at the bubble, and the ravine in front of it.

"I've got an Enderpearl ready!" I said, pulling one out of my pocket. "Wendy! Hold Dipper's hand, and Dipper, hold my hand!" I instructed. They did so, and I leaned out of the window, ready to throw the Enderpearl. As soon as we sped off the edge, towards the other side, I threw the Enderpearl sideways, and luckily, it hit the ground before the car did, so we made it safely, with no injuries, although the same couldn't be said about the car as it rolled along the ground.

"Yeah! We did it!" Wendy exclaimed.

"Let's go get Mabel!" Dipper said. We began running towards the bubble, but a figure blocked our path. Luckily, this figure turned out to be none other than Soos.

"Heya, Dipper! How's it hanging?" Soos asked.

"Soos!" Dipper exclaimed.

"Soos?" Wendy asked, speaking almost simultaneously with Dipper.

"Handyman of the apocalypse, at your service." Soos replied.

"Soos! How'd you-?! Where'd you-?!"

"I've been wandering the plains like a desperado, helping strangers. I guess there are some folk songs about me now?" Soos said.

"So you wanna help us get Mabel?" I asked.

"Sure, dude." Soos replied. "After we deal with these guys, anyway." Gideon's gang had us surrounded now.

"Ooh-wee. I dare say you almost had the jump on me for a second. But this ain't your Gravity Falls anymore! Out here, I win." Gideon said, clapping, as Ghost Eyes tossed him a conch, and Gideon blew in it. A note sounded out, and eye bats swarmed around the Fearamid in the distance. "Bill's hench-bats will be here any minute to retrieve y'all. Mabel's mine now!"

"Is she?" Dipper asked.

"Well, yeah. I have her trapped. Ergo, Mabel is mine!" Gideon replied.

"Gideon, listen to me. If I've learned anything this summer, it's that you can't force someone to love you." Dipper said. "The best you can do is strive to be someone worthy of loving."

"Oh, I'm worthy of loving. These prisoners love me!" Gideon said, as the prisoners cheered.

"But Mabel doesn't, because you're selfish. _But_ , you can change! Bill thinks there's no heroes in this world, but if we work together and fight back, we _can_ defeat him." Dipper continued. "You wanna be Mabel's hero? Stand up to Bill, and let us save her!"

"That's crazy! You know what Bill would do to me if that happens?" Gideon exclaimed.

"What, you're scared of Bill?" Ghost Eyes asked.

"No, I j- it's a complicated situation." Gideon replied.

"Look inside, Gideon." Dipper continued. "If all this is for Mabel, then ask yourself what Mabel would want you to do." Gideon turned around for a second.

"Dipper… will you tell her what I did?" Gideon asked.

"O-of course." Dipper replied.

"I hope you're right about this." Gideon said. "Guys, new plan! Bill's minions are gonna be on us in seconds, but I'm not gonna let that dumb triangle be the warden of me. Y'all ready for a good, old-fashioned prison brawl?"

"We're behind you for life, brother!" Ghost Eyes said.

"Fighting children is boring. Fighting a chaos god sounds fun!" Another prisoner said.

"Let's do this!" Gideon declared, as him and his gang headed towards the Fearamid.

"Whew. And I thought I was gonna have to throw down." Soos said. We headed up towards the tracks and approached the bubble.

"Okay. Remember guys, this is a prison bubble designed _by_ Bill." Dipper said. "We've gotta prepare ourselves for what we find in here."

"Whatever it is, we'll do it together." Soos replied. "For Mabel."

"For Mabel."

"For Mabel."

"For Mabel."

Dipper unlocked the chains around the bubble, causing them to fall down. We joined hands and headed inside.


	39. Escape From Reality

**Chapter 39: Escape From Reality**

As we entered the bubble, we were greeted with endless white.

"Mabel? Mabel?" Dipper called out. "Okay, guys. Bill has taken over the town, and if his weirdness spreads, he's gonna take over the whole world. Our first step to stopping him is rescuing Mabel, but he's got her trapped in this strange prison bubble."

"What is this place, anyway?" Wendy asked, setting the handle of her axe down. We heard cracking, and looked down to see the white floor cracking with a kaleidoscope of all the colors of the rainbow visible below. Then we fell through.

Finally, we landed softly on a bouncy castle.

"Is the entire ground a bouncy castle?" Dipper wondered.

"Do you hear '80s music?" Wendy asked.

"And does the air smell like childlike wonder?" Soos continued. We looked behind us, and what we saw could only be described as Mabel's paradise.

"What is this new world? Shining, shimmering, splendid!" Soos said. Two guys drove up in a car.

"Welcome to Mabeland." One of them said.

"And this is worse than the apocalypse." Dipper deadpanned.

"Dude, this place hurts my eyes." Wendy complained.

"Oh, that's normal." The other guy said. "Mabeland's rainbows have colors only bees and art students can see. Now who wants to go on the grand tour?"

"Do we have a choice?" Dipper asked.

"No!" Both guys said.

 **~Idqwdvb vhsdudwhv brx iurp uhdolwb. Brx ghflgh li wkdw'v jrrg ru edg.~**

"Now come have rad snacks served by awesome penguins!" The second guy from earlier said.

"Oh, score." Wendy said as penguins brought up a bunch of food. "I'm so hungry."

"Yeah. I haven't eaten anything except for part of my hat for the last three days." Soos added.

"Can you guys just hold on a second?" Dipper said to the guys, pulling Soos and Wendy aside. "Do you see what's happening here? Don't forget, this world was created by Bill." Dipper slapped away the red punch that Soos was about to drink. "That punch is probably blood! And that glitter rain is probably ground up bones or babies or something. Bill's using Mabel's own fantasies as some sick trap. We need to grab Mabel and get the heck out of here. Nathan!"

"What?" I said, munching on some fries. "I was hungry, too, you know. Don't worry, I smelled them first to make sure it wasn't some kind of… amputated finger, or something." I joked, laughing.

"Oh, Mabel? She's at the top of the tallest tower guarded by those big, buff waffle guards. There's no way to get past them."

"Someone hand me some syrup." Soos sad, sneaking up behind one of the waffle guards and beginning to eat him. Wendy came up behind the other waffle guard while he was distracted and punched its face through.

"It's now or never, guys!" Wendy said as we headed inside.

"This is a rescue! Everyone hit the deck!" Dipper stated as we ran up the tower and into the room Mabel was in. "There she is. Soos! Grab her! Wendy! Nathan! Barricade the door!"

"Soos? Wendy? Dipper? Nathan?" Mabel said as Soos picked her up and set her down.

"The waffles are coming back! We gotta hurry!" Wendy exclaimed.

"Uh, guys?" Mabel asked.

"Don't worry, Mabel. We'll get you out of this." Dipper replied.

"But, Dipper…" Mabel said, before she clapped her hands and levitated everything around, including us, and setting everything down in a fairly neat way. The waffle guards came in and pointed their knives at us, and Mabel clapped her hands again as the guards stood (floated) at attention instead of threatening us.

"Mabel, what are you doing?!" Dipper asked. "We're trying to save you from this prison!"

"This isn't a prison. I made this world." Mabel replied, clapping her hands, and the once dark and semi-gloomy room lit up into a more Mabel-esque room. "Well, I sort of woke up here. It's complicated."

"What are you saying?" Dipper asked.

"I'm saying this is my home now, and I don't wanna be saved." Mabel replied, sitting at a desk, as she turns around a plaque reading 'Mayor Mabel'.

"Oh-kay. So, explain your reasoning here, please." I said.

"Yeah, Mabel, what's this all about?" Dipper asked.

"Look, after you said you wouldn't come back home with me at the end of the summer for your 'apprenticeship', I wanted to hide in my sweater forever. But then I woke up in a place that gives me exactly what I wanted: an endless summer where we'll never have to grow up." Mabel replied. "Here, the sun shines all day, the party never ends, and now that you guys are here, it's finally perfect."

"Listen Mabel, we're not here to party. All of this is crazy." Dipper told her.

"Ugh. I figured _you_ might say something like that, Dipper. That's why I prepared a backup Dipper with a more supportive attitude." Mabel said, as a clone of Dipper came in on a skateboard.

"Wiggity-wiggity what's up, dude-bros? I'm Dippy Fresh. I like skateboarding, supporting my sister, and punctuating every sentence with a high-five." Dippy Fresh said, holding up a hand.

"Oh, don't mind if I…" Soos began, before Dipper cleared his throat and shook his head no. "I'm sorry, I can't leave him hanging." Soos said, giving Dippy Fresh a high-five.

"You're dead to me, Soos." Dipper said.

"I think I'll call him 'Reppid', since that's 'Dipper' spelled backwards, and he's clearly the opposite of Dipper." I said.

"Trust me, you guys are gonna love it here. This world always knows what you want, sometimes even before you do." Mabel stated, as a chinchilla appeared out of thin air and fell into Mabel's arms. "Apparently I wanted a chinchilla. Right again, Mabeland."

"Mabel, listen to yourself. This is crazy. I'm sorry about our fight, and I'm sorry things aren't great right now, but that doesn't mean you can just stay in here forever." Dipper said.

"Hey, take a chill pill. Those grow on trees here." Dippy Fresh told Dipper.

"YOU STAY OUT OF THIS, DIPPY FRESH!" Dipper yelled.

"Dude, calm down. Dippy Fresh didn't do anything to you, dawg." Soos said. Dipper growled as Dippy Fresh left on his skateboard.

"I know it seems too good to be true, but just give this place a chance. Mabeland knows just what you want and always provides." Mabel said, clapping her hands. All of the apocalypse bruises and scars on our bodies were reverted, and we were left looking like we got to skip the apocalypse. A flying hamburger flew over to Soos as he took a bite out of it, revealing a chocolate pudding filling inside.

"Pudding center. Nice." Soos remarked.

"Uh, actually, Mabel, I'm with Dipper on this. Gravity Falls is in trouble, and I really think—" Wendy began, when a horn honking outside caught our attention. Nate, Lee, Thompson and Tambry drove up in a monster truck full of several items.

"Wendy!" The teenagers all said.

"Wha- guys? You're safe!" Wendy said.

"We've got a monster truck full of fireworks, fake IDs and pranking supplies." Lee stated.

"Wanna drive this truck to the high school and glue this plunger to the principal's head?" Nate asked.

"Yes. Yes I do." Wendy replied. "Sorry guys, I've always wanted to do that. I'll be back in just a few minutes." Wendy climbed out the window and into the monster truck as it sped off on the rainbow road.

"Wendy?"

"Don't worry, dude. There's nothing in this world that could break me from our mission." Soos assured, when a man came in through the doors.

"Soos, _mijo_. I have returned." The man said.

"Holy- whoa, whoa. Dad?" Soos exclaimed.

"You don't remember what I look like, so I have the body of a pro wrestler and a face you once saw on a hot sauce bottle." The man said. "I was never there for you, but in this world, I can be."

"You're perfect!" Soos exclaimed.

"It's a trap!" Dipper warned. "Don't go with him Soos, no matter what he offers you!"

"Want to play catch?"

"I'm sorry, dude. Even if it is all a dream, I gotta play just one game." Soos said, leaving with his 'dad'.

"Okay, this has gone too far." Dipper said, pointing an accusing finger at Mabel. "You can't honestly think these fantasies are good for anyone."

"You can't argue with the results. People are happy here. Does it really matter if it's real or not?" Mabel replied. "For once, stop listening to your head and listen to your heart. Mabeland has something for everyone. Even you two. In fact…" The doors began dramatically sliding open.

"Nope. Not looking. Not looking!" Dipper said, leaving the room as he shielded his eyes with one hand and pulled me out with him with the other.

 **~Exw zkdw zdv ehklqg wkh grru?~**

Dipper and I were now sitting at a river bank, and Dipper threw a rock into the river, but it skipped across the water, and a giggle was heard each time the rock skipped across the water.

"Ugh, even my stone skips are perfect!" Dipper groaned, then sighed as he sat down. "Who am I kidding? Maybe Mabel's right. It's a horror show out there. At least the air here is breathable."

"Dude, you're talking to a river." Wendy said, walking up to us.

"Oh, hey Wendy. What's up?" Dipper said casually. "I thought you were busy wrecking the school or whatever."

"Yeah, that got old quick. And this music is really starting to get on my nerves." Wendy replied.

"Yeah, I'm not exactly a fan of the constant background music either." I added. "If it was a song I liked, that would be different."

"I think that stuff you said about this place was right." Wendy continued.

"Really? Well, now we just need a plan." Dipper stated.

"Don't worry. You always think of something." Wendy replied, throwing a rock into the river. It, too, skipped along the water, and giggles were heard every time it did. Then the rock exploded in midair and a display appeared, showing '100 points'.

"You know, you're so much smarter than like, everyone else. Heh, it's kinda funny. If you were older, you'd be, like, my dream guy." Wendy said, laying back on the grass.

"Wait, do you really mean that?" Dipper asked.

"Wait a minute." Wendy stated. "In this place, you can be any age you want. If we were the same age, maybe you and me could, I don't know, actually be together."

"Wait, _really_?" Dipper exclaimed.

"I bet if we ask Mabel, she could do it right _now_. In this place, it could finally be just you and me. Come on, man. Just take my hand." Wendy said, winking and reaching out her hand for Dipper to take.

Dipper reached out to take Wendy's hand, before pulling it back in realization.

"Wait. Augh, this isn't real!" Dipper exclaimed, backing up. The arm that 'Wendy' was holding out turned into a bunch of bugs and fell apart, before 'her' face also turned into a bunch of bugs, and the rest of 'her' body followed suit as the bugs scattered all along the grass and Dipper and I screamed. Even knowing what was happening, it was still a disturbing display to watch.

"You shouldn't have done that, Dipper! We're watching you." The stuffed animal tree warned as the sky darkened.

"There are eyes everywhere." The toys on the tree said, all of which had one Bill-like eye in the center of their face instead of the usual two.

"Hey, Dipper!" Each member of the Sev'ral Timez band said, one after another, riding by on a long bike. The sky was back to its usual colorfulness.

"Do ba do bo I'm a stuffed animal tree." The stuffed animal tree sang, now back to its former, much less evil appearance.

"Oh my gosh. This is crazy. I'm-I'm losing my mind." Dipper hyperventilated. "We have to get out of here. We have to go back to the _real world_." Shortly after Dipper said this, he was tackled to the ground by a waffle as two more followed.

"Under article smiley face of exhibit squeaky duck, you are hereby accused of breaking our one rule: mentioning reality." One of the waffles said as the crowd that had gathered began murmuring among themselves. "Prepare to be banished from this land, forever!" A small portal appeared, leading back to the outside world, and showing the Weirdmageddon still going on.

"Mabel! You're smarter than this! Bill has you hypnotized or something!" Dipper exclaimed. "Are you really gonna let them banish me?!"

"No. Of course not." Mabel replied. "That's my brother, guys. There's gotta be another way."

"Very well. If Dipper wishes to stay, he must plead his case in the ultimate trial… of Fantasy vs. Reality." The waffle said, when Soos took a bite out of him. "Hey! Seriously?"

"It was him." Soos whispered, pointing to the stuffed animal rhino standing next to him, even though he was still holding a syrup bottle and his face was a mess of syrup around his mouth.

 **~Zkhq brx txhvwlrq idqwdvb, lw zloo idoo dsduw.~**

"Seriously, Mabel? You're letting them take our argument to court?" Dipper questioned as we all sat down in the courtroom, with Dipper and Mabel up front.

"Hey, I didn't make the rules in Mabeland." Mabel replied.

"Yes, you did. There's a tapestry of you making the rules." Dipper pointed out.

"All rise for the honorable judge Kitty Kitty Meow Meow Face Schwartzstein." A giraffe police officer said. A cat wearing a judge's wig and a suit came out of the cat play house at the front and went up to the 'desk'.

"Order, order. This trial begins right meow." Judge Kitty said, hitting his squeaky gavel on the desk, then glancing at the string of yarn hanging from the ceiling and began batting it with his paws.

"Judge." The giraffe cleared his throat.

"Sorry, sorry." Judge Kitty apologized. "We are here to try Dipper Pines in the case of Fantasy vs. Reality. If Dipper wins, Mabel will return with him to the real world. But if he loses, he will be banished forever, and replaced with town darling Dippy Fresh. Dippy, come on out."

"Flip-a-dip-dip." Dippy Fresh said.

"I hate him so much." Dipper exclaimed, hitting his fists on the table.

"The final decision will be made by a jury of your peers." Judge Kitty continued. Mabel clapped and six copies of herself appeared in the side seating and they began laughing about their identical headbands.

"Look Mabel, this whole thing is ridiculous. But if winning a trial is what it takes to get you to come home with us, then so be it." Dipper stated.

"I'm sorry, Dipper, but I can only speak through my legal team now." Mabel replied. The same two guys from earlier came in through the doors.

"We have a doctorate degree in hunkiness."

"Also, criminal and international law."

"Let's hear opening statements." Judge Kitty said.

"Your honor, townsfolk, lovely ladies of the jury…" The Mabels in the jury seating swooned as the men continued.

"My case is simple. This very unrighteous dude thiinks that reality is better than fantasy." The first man stated. "But reality is bogus, lame, and whack."

"Objection, your honor! That's conjecture!" Dipper objected.

"Meow-verruled." Judge Kitty declared.

"I'd like to show you this 'reality' that Dipper loves so much. Show you how it has wronged my client, and Dipper, their entire lives." The second man continued, as the first man held out a suitcase and took out Mabel's scrapbook. "Exhibit A: Mabel's scrapbook." The crowd gasped and murmured. "Second grade, October 10th." The courtroom around us faded out and showed a school playground.

"Photo day." Dipper whispered. A young Dipper and Mabel were sitting in some seats waiting for their pictures.

"Darn allergies." Young Dipper sniffed. Young Mabel put a slap bracelet on her arm, which was already covered in several slap bracelets.

"Boom. A million slap bracelets! I'm gonna have the best photo ever! And how do you like my new pigtails?" Young Mabel said, turning her head side-to-side to show off said pigtails.

"Have fun, brat." A girl said, putting her gum in young Mabel's hair as the other kids except for young Dipper laughed while young Mabel tried to get the gum out.

"Ah! Gum! You ruined my hair!" Young Mabel exclaimed. "Dipper, what do I do?" Young Dipper struggled to come up with an answer as young Mabel ran off in tears.

"Mabel's fantasy was having a great school photo, but reality had other plans." The first man said.

"Look, that was _one_ bad day!" Dipper exclaimed.

"One of many. February 14th, fourth grade. Valentines day." The second man continued.

"Oh, come on men, you can't—" The scene faded into the inside of a classroom. Young Dipper and Mabel were sitting at some desks with their bags of valentines. Young Mabel dumped out her bag of valentines, which had several.

"How many valentines did you get, Dipper?" Young Mabel asked. Young Dipper picked up his bag of valentines and turned it upside down, but nothing came out.

"Oh, hey. Dipper didn't get any." One of the other kids said. "Oh, man. I thought _I_ was the class loser. Hey, everyone! Dipstick didn't get any!" The other kids laughed at young Dipper as he ran out of the classroom in tears. "I can't believe that kid's your brother." The kid said. The classroom faded back into the courtroom again.

"Hey, what's the point of all this?! That was in the past!" Dipper exclaimed.

"Is your life any better now, bro? Heartbreak, disaster, broken promises; that's reality for you." The second guy stated.

"Out there, it's nothing but heartbreak." The first man continued. "But in here, who wants pug sundaes?" A sundae with a pug face on it appeared in each of the Mabels' hands. The two dream guys up front did a mic drop display.

"Well, I think we're ready for a verdict." Judge Kitty said.

"Wait! I haven't even presented my case." Dipper exclaimed.

"Do you even have a case?" Judge Kitty asked.

"Yes, I do, your honor. I call as a witness… Mabel Pines." Dipper declared, to the shock of everyone except me.

"Uh, objection?" Mabel said.

"I'll allow it." Judge Kitty replied. "Us cats are famously curious, meow meow." The audience murmured among themselves as Mabel walked up front after Dipper.

"Mabel, listen." Dipper began. "I might not have all the answers. I'm not stylish, and I'm not cool, and I can't make pugs appear out of thin air." The Mabels in the jury seating booed. "But I know one thing well, and that's you. And I know that even though you might act like it, you don't wanna be in this fantasy world."

"Uh… yeah right." Mabel said, waving a hand in a dismissal gesture.

"You're scared, of growing up. And who could blame you? I'm scared too." Dipper continued.

"Uh… la la la la la la, I'm not listening! Guards!" Mabel clapped. "The fingers!" Two waffle guards put styrofoam #1 fingers up to Mabel's ears.

"Look. Real life stinks sometimes, okay? I'm not gonna lie. But there's a better way to get through it than denial, and that's with help from people who care about you. It's how we've gotten through our whole lives." Dipper said, picking up the scrapbook and opening it. "Just look." The courtroom faded back into the photo day after young Mabel ran off.

"Mabel! I figured out a way to fix your photo." Young Dipper said, running up to young Mabel.

"What? You have a wig?" Young Mabel asked.

"No. But I have a razor." Young Dipper replied, taking out an electric razor and shaving a strip down the center of his hair.

"You're crazy." Young Mabel laughed, taking the razor and doing the same to her own hair, getting rid of the gum as they both posed for their photo. Mabel waved the guards off and they removed the styrofoam fingers from her ears.

Dipper turned the page in the scrapbook as the scene changed again to young Dipper in a school closet after he ran out of the classroom. A heart valentine slipped under the door young Dipper was sitting against, which was a bunch of Mabel's valentines taped together into a single valentine with the words 'For My Favorite Brother' written on it in glitter as young Dipper smiled.

"We've always been there for each other." Dipper continued. "Mabel, I thought you were living a fantasy, but look at me. I actually thought I was gonna stay here and be Ford's apprentice. Spend my entire teens cooped up in a basement with a lab coat; how ridiculous is that?" Dipper walked up to Mabel as he continued talking. "I don't know what's gonna happen in the future, but whatever it is, you won't have to fear because we'll do it together. I'm not taking Ford's apprenticeship. We've traveled to heck and back to get you, and we're going back together. Leave this fantasy world. Let's beat Bill and grow up together." Dipper reached out a hand as the crowd began murmuring again.

"Order! Order in the court!" Judge Kitty declared, hitting the squeaky gavel. "Dangit! Why is this hammer squeaky?!"

"You mean it? You're really coming home with me?" Mabel asked.

"Yes. Definitely. Absolutely." Dipper replied. "Awkward sibling hug?" The audience began exclaiming in fear.

"You do this, and it's all over!" Judge Kitty warned.

"Sincere sibling hug." Mabel said, as the two engaged in their special twin hug.

"Don't do the pats!" Judge Kitty exclaimed.

"Pat, pat."

A pink wave rushed out everywhere from the twins, causing some minor chaos. Mabel rubbed her eyes.

"Oh, man. I never noticed how bright this place is." Mabel stated in slight annoyance. "Ugh. Have I actually been listening to the same song for an entire week?"

"Nah, just a few days." I said. Judge Kitty made an anguished yowl.

"Whoa! Time to calm you down." Mabel said, clapping her hands. Nothing happened. "Uh, why isn't this working?"

"Because your reign over this land is over!" Judge Kitty said, before turning inside-out into an evil yarn monster made out of black and very dark red yarn. All of the audience members that were part of the fantasy world turned greyscale and much darker, except for the two dream guys, who cowered in fear.

"We've gotta get out of here." Mabel panicked.

"Soos! Wendy! Nathan! Paradise is cancelled." Dipper stated, as we all ran out. The world shook and everything turned into varying shades of black, dark gray, and dark red as black and dark gray strings of yarn strung down from the sky as we ran towards a giant Waddles.

"Everyone, get on!" Mabel said as we climbed on and Mabel patted Waddles' head twice. Waddles woke up and squealed at the gray figures chasing us. "Take us to freedom, giant Waddles. Yah!" Waddles rushed towards the edge of the bubble as the gray figures chased us. "Alright guys, are you ready for this?" Mabel asked, grabbing one of the giant needles sticking out of a darkened ball of yarn as we passed by it. "Sorry, Mabeland. It's time to burst your BUBBLE!" Mabel held the needle out as Waddles rushed towards the border of the bubble and leapt. The tip made contact with the bubble, popping it as everything inside of it that was part of the fantasy world disintegrated along with the bubble.

"You all good? Everyone good?" Mabel asked as we got up from our rough landing. Waddles began shrinking back to normal size and the saddle on him disappeared. We all joined in a group hug as we hugged Mabel. "Hey, Dipper? I appreciate what you said back there, but if you want to take Ford's apprenticeship, I won't get in your way."

"And miss out on your awkward teen years? You wish." Dipper replied. We laughed.

"I'm not taking the apprenticeship either." I added.

"Man, I went nuts back there. I mean, come on. The real world can't be _that_ bad, right?" Mabel said, before looking out at Weirdmageddon. "Oh, boy."

"We should probably head to the shack." I said.

 **~Wkh wrzq lv hpswb. Eloo'v fdswxuhg prvw ri wkhp.~**

"Yes! It's in shambles. Just like we left it." Dipper exclaimed.

"Oh, man. this is the first time I've ever felt _happy_ going to work." Wendy added as we headed towards the shack.

"Hello, house. Hello, porch. Hello, wads of gum I left stuck to the couch." Mabel said, looking at the wads of gum on the old couch left outside. Dipper reached for the door handle, but pulled back when we heard a noise.

"Wait. What was that?" Dipper asked. "Shh…" Dipper picked up a discarded golf club, Wendy picked up her crossbow and readied it, Soos turned his hat backwards and put his fist in his hand, and Mabel readied her grappling hook. I rolled my eyes.

"Let's get 'em, dudes." Soos said. Dipper kicked the door open as everyone ran inside, weapons at the ready and shouting. Everyone inside also yelled fiercely, including Stan, Candy, Grenda, Blubs, Pacifica, McGucket, and some gnomes.

"Wait…" Dipper paused.


	40. Take Back The Falls

**Chapter 40: Take Back The Falls**

"Grunkle Stan!" Dipper and Mabel exclaimed, running up to Stan.

"Kids! I can't believe it!" Stan said, opening his arms for a hug from the twins, and they gladly did so.

"Mr. Pines, it's really you!" Soos exclaimed, slamming into Stan in a hug. "I've been hugging strangers to practice for this moment."

"We've missed you, you old codger!" Wendy added, joining the hug.

"Group hug!" I yelled, joining the hug as well.

"Heh heh, I've missed you knuckleheads, too." Stan said. "It's good to have you back."

"So, what's everyone doing here?" Dipper asked, looking around at the various creatures in the shack.

"Yeah. There's like, monsters and gnomes, and is Pacifica wearing a potato sack?" Mabel added.

"Hey! Even in a sack, I still look better than you!" Pacifica exclaimed.

"It's… it's a long story." The Multibear replied.

"Hey, is anyone gonna feed me? Larry King's disembodied wax head wants num nums." Wax Larry King's head said from inside a vent.

"We're trying to ration our food, remember?" Grenda replied. Wax Larry King's head began chewing on Grenda's hair. "Uhh… it's happening again." The Multibear closed the vent, stopping Wax Larry King's head from continuing.

"Hey, everyone!" A manotaur announced. "Eye bat!" Everyone in the shack began panicking before turning out the lights and quieting down.

Once we were sure the eye bat was gone, Stan lit a match and tossed it into a barrel of trash for a contained fire as light and heat.

"Welcome to what's left of normal around here; home base." Stan said. We looked around and saw several people and creatures that were partially turned to stone, and others who were injured. Even Rumble McSkirmish was here.

"Grunkle Stan, how'd this all happen?" Mabel asked.

"So, I was hammering signs out back when the sky started vomiting nightmares. I listen to a lot of AM radio, so I knew what this meant: the end of the world." Stan began. "What I didn't expect was what happened next. Turns out whatever you and my brother did to the shack with your unicorn voodoo made the crazy place invincible to weirdness."

"Of course, the unicorn spell! That's why this is the only place Bill's magic can't touch." Dipper exclaimed.

"That's when possum breath over here shows up leading a bunch of injured stragglers through the forest. They needed a place to stay, and since the mayor got captured, I elected myself de facto chief." Stan continued. "The plan's to stay in here and eat brown meat until we run out. Then I vote we eat the gnomes."

"Hey! I'm short, not deaf!" Jeff exclaimed next to Stan.

"Shh, shh! Stress will make you chewy." Stan shushed.

"Grunkle Stan, we can't all just hide inside the shack. There's a town in need of saving." Dipper said. "Me, Nathan and Ford tried to do it, but… Ford got captured by Bill."

"Serves that jerk right. My brother's had some stupid plans, but going up against an all-powerful space demon was his worst one yet." Stan stated. "Trust me. We have everything we need right here. It's not the ritz, but at least the monsters inside know how to massage." Stan sat down in a chair and a couple of the monsters began fanning and massaging Stan.

"So you're really just gonna let Bill win?" Dipper asked.

"Look, kiddo. We got a good deal here. Besides, I'm sure wherever the rest of the townsfolk are, they're fine." Stan replied, before accidentally turning on the TV.

 _"This is Shandra Jimenez reporting live from the inside of Bill's castle. Here, for the first time, are images of what's happened to the captured townsfolk. Viewers are advised to look away if they don't want to see their friends turned into a twisted throne of human agony. Is there no one who will save the people of this town? I'm Shandra Jimenez, and I'm being turned into stone by a flying eyeball."_

Then the screen turned into static. Everyone gasped, and some went into despair over their lost friends and family.

"Guys, don't you see? Our friends need us, but we can only save them if we fight back." Mabel said.

"Mabel is right. Bill wants us to run and hide. He _wants_ us to think he's invincible. But Ford told me before he was captured that he knows Bill's secret weakness." Dipper stated. "Now. If we band together; if we combine all of our strength, our smarts, our… whatever Toby has…"

"Various rashes." Toby quipped.

"… then we just might be able to rescue Ford, learn Bill's weakness, and save Gravity Falls!" Dipper finished. Everyone cheered.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Have you all forgotten who's in charge here? Besides, we're only safe inside. It's not like we can take the Mystery Shack to Bill." Stan cut in.

"Wh- whoa! Holy hootenanny! Flapjacks and fiddle banjos! Sorry, sorry. Got a little excited." McGucket exclaimed. What I meant to say is, I think I figured out a way to fight Bill and rescue Ford, but we're all gonna have to work together. Now." McGucket snapped his fingers and a gnome put some spectacles on McGucket as we huddled around to begin planning.

 **~Wkh uhyrow djdlqvw Eloo kdv ehjxq.~**

After we finished working on McGucket's project, Mabel knit everyone a sweater to help us get through the chill that had settled in, despite it still being summer and part of the town likely still on fire. From my request, Mabel knit me a sweater of Bill Cipher with a red X over him on a blue background. Now, everyone was wearing their sweater as we sat around a fire on some logs.

"Thanks for these apocalypse sweaters, Mabel. The end of the world has never been so comfortable." Soos said as everyone nodded in agreement. Pacifica sat on a log shivering, not wearing the sweater Mabel had knit for her, while Mabel semi-glared at her.

"Ugh, fine. I'll wear it." Pacifica groaned, putting on the sweater with a llama on it. "But I'm not gonna like it."

"Admit it, this is the best day of the end of the world." Mabel stated. "I think we actually have a chance to beat Bill and win back our future."

"I _know_ we do." I added.

"Yeah. Getting to actually _live_ to see our 13th birthday party is the only birthday present I want right now." Dipper said solemnly.

"Yo. Dip. Dippy. Dippy Fresh." I began.

"Don't call me that." Dipper cut in. I chuckled slightly.

"Anyway, Dipper. I am absolutely, 100% certain that we will definitely survive Weirdmageddon and defeat Bill for good, and that you will get to see your thirteenth birthday. And when we get there, you're gonna have one heck of a party." I continued. "Actually, time has been stopped for, what, like, 5 days now? Your birthday is technically on the 27th or 26th now. Actually, come to think of it, all this time I spent here in Gravity Falls, time hasn't progressed much or at all in my dimension, so by the time this summer here in Gravity Falls is over, my birthday will technically be around a month or so earlier. Huh. So I guess I'm a month older than my birthday would imply. Interesting."

"Thanks, Nathan." Dipper replied. "Hey, has anyone seen Grunkle Stan?"

"Over there." I said, after looking around for a bit and spotting him having a one-sided conversation with Shmebulock.

"Yeah, exactly. It's a total load of Shmebulock." Stan said.

"Is something wrong, Grunkle Stan?" Mabel asked. "You're acting… Grunklier than usual."

"It's this darn plan to save my brother. If you didn't notice, I already saved him once from that portal. And he never thanked me." Stan replied. "He causes the end of the world, and somehow it's still always 'Stan's the screw up, Ford's the hero'."

"Well, maybe people think he's a hero because he didn't wanna hide in the Mystery Shack." Dipper stated.

"Well maybe if he his in the Mystery Shack, he wouldn't have been captured!" Stan exclaimed.

"Guys, guys, trust me, tomorrow's gonna be great." Mabel said, pulling Stan and Dipper in closer. "I believe in us."

"Help, leader Mabel. I keep accidentally flexing through my sweater!" One of the manotaurs said, flexing, as the sweater he wore tore apart from the strain. "Ugh! It happened again!"

"Those weird cow monsters are delightful. Coming!" Mabel left Stan and Dipper to knit another sweater for the manotaur.

 **~Lw'v wlph wr hqg wklv rqfh dqg iru doo!~**

"Alright, fellas. Let's hope this turns out better than my other inventions." McGucket said as we stood in the shack, ready. _'Good thing I already know it's gonna work, otherwise that wouldn't be very reassuring.'_

"Everybody ready?" Mabel asked. "Dipper, now!" Dipper pulled the lever down and the contraption began whirring to life. The gears began turning and the shack began rising up in the air. We almost lost our balance on our feet because of this a couple times, and once we were fully up, we began heading towards the Fearamid. We ended up making a dramatic entrance by breaking down one of the doors in the Fearamid. Bill spoke, as his voice could be heard inside.

"So the mortals are trying to fight back, huh? Adorable." Bill teased, before turning to his cronies. "Hench-maniacs, you know what to do. Take them out!" The monsters grew in size and turned darker and more evil looking as they jumped down towards us, landing in front of us.

"This was a bad idea." Stan cut in as Soos walked out onto the porch of the Shacktron.

"Uh, hey dudes. Is this thing on? Tes—" Soos began, testing the microphone, when feedback cut through the air. "Heh. Uh, I just wanted you monster dudes to hand over Ford, or we'll have to, like, fight and junk. Heh heh. Hey, you're a little cutie." Soos pointed at Paci-Fire.

"I have butchered millions on countless moons." Paci-Fire said ominously.

"Whoa. I liked you better before you talked. Real… real bring down, this guy." Soos said.

"Attack!" Pyronica commanded, as the monsters charged at us.

"Alright, dudes!" Soos ran back inside as we prepared for battle.

"Everyone! Like we planned! 3, 2, 1, go!" Dipper exclaimed. _'Cue the epic music!'_

The first one to reach us was Paci-Fire, who was knocked back by a punch from the Shacktron, with Kryptos following soon after. Then the Shacktron's totem pole turned to a 100 degree angle and fired at the other monsters charging us as the Shacktron made a full spin for a full coverage. Paci-Fire then sent out some eye-bats to attack us. The Gobblewonker head got one of the eye-bats and Rumble McSkirmish shot fireballs from his hands, knocking down two more. Wendy leaped onto another eye-bat and pulled its wings back, causing it to fire at 8-Ball, turning his head to stone, then made the eye-bat fire at another eye-bat, turning it into stone before it immediately crumbled apart. Wendy steered the eye-bat to the window so she could leap back into the Shacktron, and the T-Rex head ate the eye-bat shortly after.

"Everyone. Incoming!" The Multi-Bear warned, as Zanthar charged right into us, pushing us back. The Shacktron managed to regain its footing before long, then hurled Zanthar into the air and soaring towards the mountain. Teeth, the only one left, was left running around, on fire.

Then Bill came out of the Fearamid, fitting perfectly through the triangular-shaped doorway and heading towards us in his large, 3-dimensional form. Bill hovered over us with a giant fist ready to strike—but paused to adjust his bowtie—then slammed his gigantic fist onto the Shacktron. Thankfully, we were protected by the magical force field, and Bill removed his fist to reveal that no damage had been done to the Shacktron.

"What the- no! No _no_ NO _NO!_ " Bill exclaimed, growing eight more arms, for a total of 10, and pounded away on the Shacktron rapidly, but the shield held.

"Attack!" Mabel commanded. Grenda punched her fist forward, causing the T-Rex head to also punch forward as it bit onto Bill's eye, then pulled back, pulling Bill's eye clean out.

"Ah! My eye! Do you have any idea how long it takes to regenerate that?!" Bill exclaimed, thrashing around as he was now effectively blind for a short moment.

"We've got him distracted! Now's our chance!" Dipper stated.

"Rescue team, move out!" Mabel shouted, as Dipper, Mabel, Stan, Wendy, Soos, McGucket, Pacifica, Blubs, and myself all slid down a pole with our gear and preparing to shoot out.

"Okay, everyone. We get in, rescue ford, get out, save the world. Piece of cake." Dipper said.

"Just so we're clear, if I die, I'm suing all of you." Pacifica stated.

"That won't do you any good." I laughed slightly.

"Hey, on second thought, maybe we could come up with a plan that doesn't involve us plummeting to our certain death." Stan suggested.

"Now!" Wendy exclaimed. pushing the button beside her as we all shot up and out of the Gobblewonker's mouth, right over Bill, who was still regenerating his eye, and into the Fearamid. As we got close, we all pulled the string on our packs, causing parachutes to come out, which were made of several of Mabel's sweaters, as we descended gently into the Fearamid and gracefully landed (except for Stan, who fell flat on his face) and took off our parachutes. Right there, in front of us, were countless people stacked into a massive throne.

"Oh, man. It looks even worse up close." Dipper stated. Mabel shot her grappling hook up onto the chair, latching onto the frozen form of Manly Dan and pulling herself up.

"I found Great-uncle Ford!" Mabel called down to us. "He's golden! But not in the good way!"

"Great. Grab him and let's get out of here." Stan said.

"But how are we going to unfreeze them?" Dipper wondered.

"I know!" Gideon replied, yelling down to us from inside a cage, wearing a sparkly outfit and dancing, clearly against his will.

"Gideon. What happened to you?" Mabel asked.

"Bill captured me! He's been forcing me to do cute dances in this cage for all eternity!" Gideon replied miserably. "I'm so tired of being cute!"

"How do we undo this?" Dipper asked, now up on the pedestal with Mabel where the throne was.

"Mayor Tyler. He's the load-bearing human. Pull him out, and the whole thing goes down." Gideon said. Dipper pulled out mayor Tyler, and the entire throne collapsed, and everyone in the throne became unfrozen. The cage Gideon was in also fell, freeing Gideon. The freed citizens began to get up as Gideon tore off his sparkly outfit, now in his normal suit, and everyone began reuniting with each other and cheering. The frozen, golden form of Ford also came unfrozen.

"Kids! Ah, you did it. I knew I could count on you two." Ford exclaimed, pulling Dipper and Mabel into a hug, when McGucket approached Ford. "Fiddleford. I… I haven't seen you since we parted ways. You must hate me."

"I've tried forgetting. Maybe I should try forgiving. Come here, old friend." McGucket replied, as him and Ford hugged.

"Hey, good to see you too, bro. Now let's get out of here, huh?" Stan said.

"Listen, uncle Ford, we don't have a lot of time. Remember how you told me right before you were frozen that you knew Bill's weakness?" Dipper told Ford.

"Yeah. A secret way to defeat him?" Mabel added.

"I… I do. Now, does anyone have a pen, pencil, anything?" Ford asked, before spotting a can of spray paint on the floor. "Ah. Perfect." Ford picked up the spray paint and began spraying on the floor.

"Uh, we've got Bill outside, but I don't know how long we can keep him occupied." Dipper said.

"Drawing a circle on the floor. Well, he's lost his mind." Stan stated.

"y mind is fine, and there is a way to defeat Bill, with this." Ford replied, showing us the zodiac.

"The world's most confusing game of hopscotch?" Pacifica questioned.

"No, a prophesy. Although, it… would be a pretty fun game of hopscotch." ford replied. "Many years ago, I found 11 symbols in a cave. Some, I recognized then. Some, I only recognize now. The native people of Gravity Falls prophesized that these symbols could create a force strong enough to vanquish Bill. With Bill defeated, his weirdness would be reverted and the town could be saved. This whole time, I thought it was just superstition. But seeing you all here now, I finally understand that it's destiny." Ford explained. "Dipper, the Pine Tree. Mabel, the Shooting Star." Dipper got on the Pine Tree symbol and Mabel got on the Shooting Star symbol.

"The Question Mark. This one's unsolvable." Soos mused.

"That one's easy." Wendy said, shoving Robbie onto the symbol of a heart with stitches, matching Robbie's hoodie. "You've been rocking that dumb hoodie since the 7th grade."

"Whoa. Destiny hoodie." Robbie exclaimed.

"The Tent of Telepathy sign. That must be Gideon." Dipper observed.

"Whoo! An excuse to stand next to Mabel." Gideon said, standing on the star next to Mabel.

"Don't turn this into a big deal." Mabel told him.

"Oh, I won't." Gideon replied. "I will…"

"The armor one is me. My online name has been Bedrock Armor for around four years now, with that very icon as my profile picture when a profile picture is available." I said, getting on my symbol.

"Hold hands, everyone." Ford instructed. "This is a mystical human energy circuit."

"Ice? Who's ice?" Dipper asked.

"The symbols needn't all be literal, Dipper. It just has to be someone cool in the face of danger." Ford replied.

"Wendy. Wendy." The teens chanted.

"Shut up, you guys." Wendy said, getting on the Ice Bag symbol.

"Much like the spectacles need to be someone scholarly." Ford continued, as McGucket got on the Spectacles symbol.

"This is freaky." Pacifica said, getting on the Llama symbol, which matched the sweater she was still wearing.

From the top, going counterclockwise, we were in a circle in this order: Ford, Robbie, Gideon, Mabel, Pacifica, McGucket, myself, Dipper, Wendy, Soos, and one empty spot left.

"Now hold hands, everyone." Ford instructed.

"Ew. I'm not touching that." Pacifica recoiled slightly. She was standing next to McGucket, who was holding his hand out.

"Do it, sweetie. Do the one thing no one in our family has ever done: touch the hillbilly." Preston said. Pacifica reached out and closed her eyes, hesitantly joining hands with McGucket. All of our bodies began glowing a vibrant blue and shadows began growing behind us, despite the lack of a light source in the middle. I could feel a rush of powerful energy flowing throughout my body.

"Great uncle Ford, I think it's working!" Dipper exclaimed as McGucket laughed.

"Yes, this is it. The rest of you get out! it's too dangerous." Ford said, as everyone fled. "We just need one more person… Stanley! Stanley, get over here! You're the only one left."

"You realize this is a bunch of hogwash, right? You really think some caveman graffiti is gonna stop that monster?" Stan stated.

"Dang it old man, now's not the time!"

"Come on!"

"What are you doing? You're gonna ruin this!"

"I've never held hands this long, and I am _very_ uncomfortable!"

"Whoa, hey, I'm not the enemy here, people. Don't forget who literally created the end of the world." Stan responded.

"I'm sorry Stanley, I know. Just help me fix it, please!" Ford begged.

"Fine, just do one thing: say 'thank you'." Stan replied.

"What?"

"I spent thirty years trying to bring you back into this dimension, and you _still_ haven't thanked me!" Stan exclaimed. "You want me to shake your hand? Say 'thank you'!"

"Fine. Thank you." Ford said. Stan joined hands with Ford and Soos and began glowing with the same blue energy.

"Now, see? Between me and him, I'm not always the bad twin." Stan said to Soos.

"Between him and me." Ford corrected. "Grammar, Stanley." Stan broke from the chain and grabbed Ford.

"I'll 'grammar, Stanley' you, you stuck up, son of a gun! I mean, come on!"

"Don't jeopardize this, you idiot! Everything's on the line!"

"Guys, stop it!"

Dipper and Mabel ran over to Stan and Ford in an attempt to break up their fighting, but before long, a shadow loomed over us.

"Oh no, it's Bill! Right? Isn't that what you're all thinking? Hey Gideon, why aren't you dancing? Chop chop, huh?" Bill said, looming over us with the defeated Shacktron behind him.

"Get out of here, Bill!" I yelled.

"Ha ha ha ho, this is just too perfect! Didn't you brainiacs know the zodiac doesn't work if you don't all hold hands? And what's better, you've brought every threat to my power in one easy to destroy CIRCLE!" Bill exclaimed, waving his arms outwards, throwing fire onto the zodiac drawing. Pacifica and Robbie's hair were caught on fire and they both patted their heads to put it out. Two fire arms snaked out towards Stan and Ford, then turned red and wrapped around the two, trapping them. "You guys wanna see what happens to your friends when you can't get along?"

"Hey! You give them back!" McGucket demanded.

"You've gone too far, Cipher!" Gideon exclaimed.

"Yeah! We're not scared of you!" Wendy declared, wielding her axe as McGucket pulled out a banjo.

"Oh, but you should be." Bill stated, snapping his fingers. Wendy, Gideon, McGucket, Soos, Robbie, and Pacifica were encased in red, their eyes rolling back into their heads as they floated up. "You know, this castle could really use some decoration!" Bill exclaimed, as the six in the air vanished, and six banners appeared in their place, holding the terrified faces of each person with their zodiac symbol beneath. "Looks like it's too late for your friends, Stanford." Bill began, before a pyramid-shaped cage came out of the floor and trapped me, Dipper, and Mabel. "But you can still save your family! Last chance! Tell me how to take Weirdmageddon global, and I'll spare the kids!"

"No! Don't do it!" Dipper yelled.

"Yeah! Bill makes bad deals!" Mabel added. Bill came over to us.

"Don't you toy with me, Shooting Star! I… see… EVERYTHIN—" Mabel cut Bill off, spraying him in the eye with the can of spray paint. "Ow! Not again! Why?! Every time!"

"Nice shot, pumpkin!" Stan exclaimed, as him and Ford were released from the red arms trapping them and they fell to the ground.

"I just regenerated that eye!" Bill continued.

"I _know_ that hurts because I've accidentally done it to myself… multiple times!" Mabel exclaimed. Dipper took out the special flashlight and used it to grow the cage we were in to the point we could fit through the bars and we climbed out.

"Save yourselves! Run! We'll take care of Bill." Dipper said.

"What?! That's a suicide mission!" Ford exclaimed.

"Trust us." Dipper replied. "We've beat him before…"

"And we'll beat him again!" Mabel finished. Dipper, Mabel and I exchanged a fist bump as we turned towards Bill. "Hey, Bill! Come and get us, you pointy jerk!" Mabel taunted as we ran past Bill. Bill turned solid red and growled as we ran, with Mabel sticking her tongue out and blowing a raspberry at Bill for good measure.

"What? No! It's too dangerous!" Ford exclaimed as we ran.

"Not so fast! You two wait here!" Bill exclaimed, putting Stan and Ford in a cage similar to the one me and the Twins were in and transforming into his demon form. "I've got some children I need to make into corpses. **SEE YA REAL SOON.** " Bill began chasing after us in a furious rampage as we ran throughout the Fearamid. "When I get my hands on you kids, I'm gonna DISASSEMBLE YOUR MOLECULES!" Bill shouted. We ran down a side hall, buying us about two seconds of time to get up the vertical pathway above us. Mabel quickly shot her grappling hook up and began pulling us up. "You've tricked me for the LAST TIME!"

We kept running, and I collapsed from exhaustion when we reached a dead end.

"I'm starting to think there's no way out of here." Dipper stated.

"Like Grunkle Stan always says, when one door closes, choose a nearby wall and bash it in with brute force!" Mabel exclaimed, growing her hand with the flashlight and punching the wall, revealing a way out as Mabel shrunk her hand back to normal.

"Now let's round up the townsfolk, and together, we can defeat— oh no." Dipper said. Below, the townsfolk were surrounded by Bill's hench-maniacs. "Oh no."

"Peek-a-boo." Bill said behind us, catching the three of us in a tractor beam from his eye and taking us back to Stan and Ford still in the cage. Dipper and Mabel were in one hand, and I was in the other. "Alright Ford, time's up! I've got the kids!" Bill stated, showing us off to Stan and Ford. "Here's a little warning for you on what'll happen if you don't cooperate!" Bill dropped me on the ground and snapped his fingers. The emblem on my chest began buzzing. I looked under my shirt, and a line was going around the triangular outline, turning the triangle mark red as it went. When it went fully around and the triangle of Bill on my chest was completely red, a 3 appeared in place of Bill's pupil in his eye. Then the 3 turned into a 2. Then a 1…

My eyes went wide as I knew exactly what this meant. "… F—"

…

"NATHAN!"

I couldn't believe it. Nathan's body just exploded! Right in front of me! His blood and internal organs were scattered everywhere within a ten foot radius as they landed with a sickening splat. His clothes were soaked in blood and torn to shreds. I could even see his face, permanently twisted in that petrifying face of horror with his eyes wide open and his mouth clamped shut! I felt like I was gonna be sick from the horrifying and disturbing display of Nathan's insides still twitching for another few seconds before they stopped altogether. Mabel came pretty close to vomiting at the sight. I saw her cheeks puff up as she put a hand to her mouth. I wanted to kill Bill for what he did.

I looked back at Grunkle Stan and Ford, and they looked just as disturbed.

"That is what the kids will get!" Bill shouted. "I think I'm gonna kill another one of them now, just for the heck of it!" Bill's eye began switching between a Pine Tree and a Shooting Star. "Eenie… meenie… miney… YOU!" Bill's eye stopped on the Shooting Star and he prepared to snap his fingers.

"Wait! I surrender!" Grunkle Ford said.

"Good choice." Bill replied, dropping me and Mabel. We quickly ran over to Nathan's dead body… or, what was left if it, and Mabel began crying.

"Don't do it Ford, it'll destroy the universe!" Grunkle Stan exclaimed.

"It's the only way!" Uncle Ford replied.

"Oh, even when you're about to die, you Pines twins just can't get along." Bill laughed. He lowered the cage and tied up Grunkle Stan.

"My only condition is that you let my brother and the kids go." Ford said.

"Fine." Bill replied.

"No! Grunkle Ford, don't trust him!" I exclaimed. But he walked towards Bill anyway.

"It's a… DEAL!" Bill continued, holding out his hand, which was covered in blue flames, and Great uncle Ford shook his hand. Bill turned into a stone statue, and Bill's mental form rushed right into Ford, causing him to fall limp.

"No! Grunkle Ford!" Mabel yelled.

"Stan, what…" I paused when I saw six fingers on his hand. "Wait… Great uncle Ford?"

I watched Great uncle Ford take off the fez and take out the memory gun, and aiming it at Grunkle Stan. Ford fired the gun, hitting Grunkle Stan. After about a minute, he stopped firing and dropped the memory gun to the ground. Once this happened, our friends came out of the banners Bill had put them in, and everything Bill did began to revert and get sucked into the rift, as well as Bill's monster friends. The rift shrank into a small point, and then sent out a shockwave, undoing everything Weirdmageddon had done. I also turned around to see Nathan's body piecing itself back together, and his clothes were back in one piece and the blood was gone.

…

I awoke to Dipper and Mabel hugging me, happy that I'm alive. I looked around and saw that Weirdmageddon was no more. All that remained was a single statue of Bill in the woods, his arm still outstretched. We headed into a clearing in the forest and saw Grunkle Stan there in the clearing.

"Oh my gosh, Grunkle Stan, you did it!" Mabel exclaimed, putting the fez on Stan's head.

"Oh, uh… hey there… kiddo. What's your name?" Stan said, looking somewhat confused.

"Grunkle Stan?" Mabel said.

"Heh. Who you talking to?" Stan asked.

"C-come on. It's me. It's me, Grunkle Stan. Grunkle Stan, it's me!" Mabel cried, as Dipper had to pull Mabel away.

"We had to erase his mind to defeat Bill. It's all gone." Ford stated. "Stan has no idea, but he did it. He saved the world. He saved me. You're our hero, Stanley." Ford hugged Stan and began to cry, while Mabel was sobbing and Dipper was shedding tears as well. Even myself, knowing he would get his memories back, began tearing up in my eyes.

We began heading back towards the shack, and once we got there, it was clear that it was in ruins. Dipper tried to open the door, though he ended up having to break it down as we headed inside.

"Hey. This is a real nice place you got here." Stan said as we led him into the living room. Some parts of the ceiling fell down.

"It's your place, Grunkle Stan." Dipper stated.

"Don't you remember? Even a little?" Mabel asked, still in tears.

"Nope. But this chair hugs my butt like it remembers." Stan replied, sitting down in the chair. He looked at us and saw our sad faces. "Hey, why the long faces? You guys look like it's someone's funeral." Stan joked, before spotting Soos. "Who's that big guy crying in the corner?"

"He saved the world, but what's the point? Grunkle Stan's not himself anymore." Dipper said solemnly.

"There's gotta be something we can do to jog his memory!" Mabel tried.

"There isn't. I'm sorry. Stan's gone." Ford replied.

"I _know_ my Grunkle is in there somewhere! There's gotta be something around here that can help bring him back!" Mabel exclaimed, before spotting her scrapbook on the floor and picking it up, sitting next to Stan and going through her scrapbook for Stan to see. "This'll work. This has to work. Here's the first day we came to Gravity Falls, Grunkle Stan. And here's a macaroni interpretation of my emotions."

"That time we went fishing? That Summerween we spent together. Don't you remember anything?" Dipper asked.

"I'm sorry. I don't know what this is, or who you are, or—gah!" Stan exclaimed as Waddles began licking his face. "Quit it Waddles, I'm trying to remember my life's story!"

"What did you say?" Dipper asked.

"I said get Waddles off of me!" Stan repeated.

"It's working! Keep reading." Ford exclaimed.

"Skip to my page! He needs to remember our boss-employee relationship." Soos added.

"Hey, just 'cause I have amnesia, don't go trying to give yourself a raise, Soos." Stan replied.

"It's happening! Keep going!" Dipper said.

"Okay, okay. 'Day 2. Grunkle Stan smells weird, but we're starting to bond. He told us a lot about being a businessman in the '80s, and seemed happy when we pretended to listen. He also gave me a grappling hook which everyone is impressed by. And in more important news, I've met some neighborhood hotties!'" Mabel read, as we laughed.

 **~Time skip brought to you by: "!nruter yam I taht rewop tneicna eht ekovni I !nrub ot emoc sah emit yM !L-T-O-L-O-X-A"~**

While Weirdmageddon was indeed over, there was still a bit of damage to clean up, even though most of it was reverted upon Bill's defeat. One of those things included the shack, which was in shambles. So the townsfolk had all pitched in to help rebuild the shack as a thank you for saving the town, although many people were disheartened when they learned exactly how we defeated Bill, and the repercussions of it.

Meanwhile, Dipper, Mabel, and Ford were all helping Stan to regain his memory, from putting on songs from Stan's high school years, to showing old film reels of when Stan and Ford were kids, to even reading his 1001 Uncle Jokes to him. He remembers every punch line. Although, a fair amount of it was what Mabel called 'scrapbook therapy'.

I, however, was out walking around the forest at the moment. While I do like it here at Gravity Falls, I never did get my portal remote back. And, of course, without it, I wouldn't be able to return home.

As I was looking around, my mind wandered to my literal death. Bill had killed me. Yet somehow, here I was, still alive. Dipper had told me how horrifying it looked when he watched my body explode, and how Mabel nearly threw up because of how disturbing it looked. He also told me how relieved he was when he saw I was alive, only to nearly lose his own Grunkle less than an hour later. It was hard on him and Mabel.

As I was thinking though, I tripped over something. Catching myself before I fell, I shifted my weight so I was sturdy on my feet again and looked down at what I tripped on. It was the journals. All three of them.

I picked them up and looked through the pages, reading journals 1 and 2 over the course of a couple hours, since I hadn't read those ones before. I had also managed to find my portal remote on my way back, but I noticed something unsettling.

It was smashed into pieces.

I gathered the half a dozen pieces and put them in my pocket, hoping Ford will be able to fix it as I headed back.

 **~Time skip brought to you by: Weirdmageddon is done. The town is saved. Bill is gone forever. …Or is he?~**

"I can't believe you all got together just to throw a party for us." Mabel said.

"After all the Pines family has done for the town, it's the least we could do." Mayor Tyler replied. "You've helped everyone here."

"Thanks to y'all saving us, I learned to open my heart to kindness." Gideon added. "No more evil doin'. From now on, I'm gonna try to be Lil Gideon, regular old kid."

"Dude, make a wish, dawg!" Soos said.

"You know, on my first day here, if you had asked me what I wanted, I would've said adventure, mystery, true friends." Dipper began. "But looking here at all of you, I realize that every wish came true. I have everything I wanted."

"If I had only one wish, it would be to shrink all of you with a shrink ray and bring you home with us in my pocket. Nut since that's impossible… is that impossible?" Mabel said, looking at Ford. Ford waved his hand in a 'so-so' gesture. "Since that's _probably_ impossible, my only wish is for everyone to sign my scrapbook. I'll never forget you guys. Wait…" Mabel took the memory gun out of her sweater, putting it on the ground and stomping on it, breaking it. " _Now_ I'll never forget you guys."

Dipper and Mabel took in a breath, and they leaned in to blow out the birthday candles simultaneously.

"I now officially declare you, technically teenagers." Wendy exclaimed, hugging the twins. "Welcome to angst and agony forever."

"One of us! One of us! One of us!" The other teens chanted.

"Welcome to the club!" I exclaimed.

"So how do you feel?" Soos asked.

"Same-y… but different-y." Mabel responded.

"Hey, you two. When are you gonna open your presents already? I broke a nail wrapping them." Pacifica said, holding up her hands covered in tape.

The twins began opening their presents and cake was handed out all around. After a few minutes, Stan and Ford came up on the porch, Stan clinking a spoon on a Pitt Cola bottle.

"Everyone, I have an announcement to make. Me and my nerdy bro over here have some catching up to do. We're gonna be away for a while, that's why I'm shutting down the Mystery Shack for good." Stan announced. The crowd began murmuring among themselves.

"You shut down your mouth for good!" Soos exclaimed. "I'm sorry Mr. Pineses, it's just that this shack is the most magical place on earth. Sure the attractions are all fake, but dreams aren't fake." Soos continued. "Like, this mermaid. It's not just a dead fish butt sewn to a monkey carcass; it's a marvelous creature that makes us believe anything is possible. You shut down this shack, and you shut down our dreams! At least… my dreams."

"I'm sorry Soos, it's just there's no one around to run it." Stan said. "At least, there _wouldn't_ be if I hadn't just found the perfect replacement." Stan took off his fez and put it on Soos' head. "Ladies and gentlemen, the Mystery Shack is under new management." Stan announced, as the crowd cheered.

"You mean it, Mr. Mystery?" Soos asked.

"You're Mr. Mystery now, Soos." Stan replied. "Try not to burn the place down."

 **~Time skip brought to you by: a satisfying ending to an amazing summer.~**

"Do you really have to go? There is still so much we haven't done together." Candy said as we stood at the bus stop.

"Summer's over, Candy. It's time for us to grow up." Mabel replied.

"But not too much." Dipper added.

"Ugh! I hate my dumb heart for making me feel things! Cut it out, heart!" Grenda exclaimed, punching herself in the chest.

"Hey, can you punch my heart, too?" Soos asked.

"No, mine. Punch my feelings away!" Candy added. Mabel walked forward and hugged them.

"Candy and Grenda, thank you for being my people. You'll always be my best friends." Mabel said. "Grunkle Stan, thanks for wearing my goodbye sweater."

"Uh, it's cold out. I had to." Stan replied.

"What? But it's, like, eighty-something degrees out today." Soos said.

"Can it, Soos!" We laughed.

Wendy walked towards Dipper and leaned down, offering her fist for a fist bump.

"Hey. You mean a lot to me, man." Wendy said.

"You too." Dipper replied, completing the fist bump. Suddenly, Wendy took Dipper's hat off of him and put her hat on him as she put Dipper's hat on her head.

"Something to remember me by." Wendy winked, then handed Dipper a letter. "Oh, and this. Read it the next time you miss Gravity Falls." It was a letter with signatures from us as well as 'See you next summer!' written in the middle. I had signed it as well.

"Well, I'm sorry guys, but… I don't think I'll ever be able to see any of you guys again." I began sadly. "After Bill took my portal remote and was defeated, I found it in the forest in several pieces. Ford was able to fix it, but from what he told me, he highly doubts that I'll be able to use it more than once. Afterwards… it won't work."

"I'm sorry, Nathan. I really tried, but it's pretty damaged." Ford stated.

"Here. As something to remember me by, have an Enderpearl." I said, taking two of the three remaining Enderpearls and handing them to Dipper and Mabel. "Throw it, and it'll teleport you to wherever it lands. But it's only a one time use item, so I'd make sure you only use it if you really need to. Or you can just keep it as a memento of our fun times together." I continued. "I don't know what's going to happen from here on out anymore, so I'm sorry to say that even if I could come back, I won't be of much help to you anymore."

"It's okay, Nathan. You're still our friend." Mabel said as the bus pulled up.

"Last bus leaving Gravity Falls; all aboard." The bus driver called.

"I guess we've said goodbye to everyone except… Waddles. I-I don't know how to explain this, but… mom and dad won't let me bring a pig home to California, so… you have to stay here." Mabel cried, heading towards the bus. Waddles caught up with Mabel and began tugging on her skirt. "Come on, come on. I have to go. I'm… I'm sorry, Waddles!" Mabel cried. I was crying myself too from the sad display.

"You know what? Forget it!" I lived with this pig all summer, now your parents are gonna have to." Stan exclaimed, picking up Waddles and bringing him to the bus. "Hey, bus guy! This pig is coming with the kids!"

"Now, hold on a second. Bringing animals aboard a moving vehicle is strictly prohibited by—" Stan wielded his brass knuckles threateningly and Ford revealed his ray gun just as threateningly. "Wha… w-w-welcome aboard. You can sit in the front row, pig."

"Kids, you knuckleheads were nothing but a nuisance and I'm glad to be rid of ya." Stan said, although his voice cracking slightly as his eyes filled with tears showed he meant the exact opposite.

"We'll miss you too, Grunkle Stan." Mabel replied as her and Dipper hugged Stan, and gathered their bags as they prepared to board the bus.

"Ready to head into the unknown?" Dipper asked.

"Nope." Mabel replied. "Let's do it." Dipper and Mabel boarded the bus, and it began driving away. We chased after the bus for a bit as we continued to wave goodbye to the twins.

Unfortunately, it was time for me to go now. So I opened the portal back home for the final time, and stepped through. Once I did, the portal collapsed as the remote fizzed and sparkled with blue electricity and smoke rose up from inside of it. The remote was broken. I sighed in sadness.

 _If you've ever taken a road trip through the Pacific Northwest, you've probably seen a bumper sticker for a place called Gravity Falls._ _It's not on any maps, and most people have never heard of it. Some people think it's a myth._

 _But if you're curious, don't wait._ _Take a trip._ _Find it._ _It's out there, somewhere in the woods… waiting._

 **THE END.**

 **Epilogue**

I sat on my bed in my room, looking at the broken portal remote in sadness. I couldn't help but wish it still worked. As I held it in my hands, I began remembering all the fun times I had with my friends from another dimension. I got up to put it in a hidden place as a treasured memory, when it slipped out of my hands and bounced on the floor.

When it did, the remote fizzled with electricity again, before landing upside-down, pressing the button. Shockingly, I watched as that same familiar blue energy shot out of the antenna, forming the familiar portal. I stuck my head through, and finally went the rest of the way, and found myself in an unfamiliar house. I heard something outside and looked through the window, seeing a bus pulling up in front of the house, before opening its doors.

I watched as none other than Dipper and Mabel themselves stepped off the bus and began approaching the house.

I smiled.


End file.
